How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – Dispelling The Myths

I understand you are here because you want to learn how to get your ex back. But before we get into the whole process, it is important to dispel some of the common myths that are circulating on the Internet.

Put it this way. Believing in those myths can actually hurt your relationship. You can end up hurting yourself and your ex.

 

Myth # 1: No Contact Will Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

If you have been searching for information on how to get back together with your ex lover, you are probably no stranger to this concept of no contact.

There are so many relationship blogs out there recommending no contact as a way to get your ex boyfriend to miss you. Sure, your boyfriend may miss you. But you won’t know how long it is going to take.

Not all men will miss their ex after 30 days. Some can take 3 months, 6 months or even a year. He may also move on and forget about you.

In fact, I have written an article about why it is not a good idea to make your boyfriend miss you using no contact. I encourage you to read this article before you use no contact for the wrong reasons.

 

Myth # 2: No Contact Is Working If Your Boyfriend Contacts You First

I have seen similar types of comments so many times.

“No Contact works! My boyfriend contacted me after 3 weeks of NC. We got back together but we broke up again soon after.”

Many people say NC works for them because their ex contacted them after a few weeks. Well, just because your boyfriend contacted you doesn’t mean no contact is working. After all, you want to get your ex back permanently and keep him forever.

Getting back together and breaking up again soon usually means people are using no contact for the wrong purpose, to manipulate an ex. This doesn’t get to the real reasons behind the breakup. That is why the relationship doesn’t last even if they do get back together. Sooner or later, the breakup is going to happen again.

In fact, the only reason to use no contact is to heal and work on yourself. It is not to make your ex boyfriend miss you or contact you first.

If you are only using no contact as a way to heal and work on yourself, you don’t even have to worry about whether it is working. As long as you start to feel better, you know it is working because that is the purpose of no contact in the first place.

No contact should not be a way to get your ex back. It is only a step to get your ex back. We will discuss this in more details below.

video

Myth # 3: Your Ex Will Not Move On During No Contact

Many relationship experts claim that your ex will not move on when you are implementing the no contact rule. This is not always true, especially if you handle the situation wrongly.

What you need to understand is that every relationship is unique. Sometimes, it is a good idea to implement no contact if you think you need the time to heal or maybe both of you are too angry to talk to each other at the moment. However, there are times when no contact is a bad idea.

There are many people who have lost their relationship for good because they follow the no contact rule to the letter. If your ex wants to keep in touch with you but you insist on following the no contact rule and ignoring him completely, your ex may simply decide to move on because he thought you have already moved on.

If you really need the time to heal, here is a better approach. Just tell your ex that you are very happy to hear from him and you really love to talk to him again in the future. But right now, because of all the things that have happen so far, it is probably best for both of you not to contact each other for a while. Tell him that you will get back to him once you feel better.

As long as you are tactful in your approach, you don’t have to worry about pushing him away.

There are a number of benefits to this approach.

First, it doesn’t make you look needy or desperate.

Second, you are not playing mind games with him.

Third, he won’t think that you have moved on.

So you have the chance to use no contact to heal without pushing him away.

Of course, don’t be too rigid about it. Different situations require different approaches. Let say you have kids with your ex, obviously you can’t strictly adhere to no contact. Or maybe there is death in your ex’s family. You don’t want to be mean and just focus on healing yourself and ignoring him.

 

Myth # 4: There Are Dirty Psychological Tricks You Can Use To Get Your Ex Back

There is no place for dirty psychological tricks in a healthy relationship. Sure, those tricks may work in the short run, mostly on people who are insecure, but they are not going to work in the long run.

In fact, implementing those dirty psychological tricks may cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

With all that said, let us get into the actual steps of getting your ex back.

 

Step 1: Manage Your Expectation

Before embarking on any important journey in your life, it is always a good idea to know what to expect so that you are not thrown off by surprises and you are prepared to deal with the challenges ahead.

Getting your boyfriend back is definitely important to you. After all, if things go well, this man can become your husband in the future.

So let us talk about what you should expect if you decide to save your relationship.

Also, you may want to read this article. There are people who told me that this is best get your ex back article they have ever read.

What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

 

You May Not Get Your Boyfriend Back

First, you need to accept the possibility that you will never get him back. When I wrote this guide, my intention is to help you get your ex back permanently, without playing mind games or using manipulation tactics.

However, no one can promise you that you will definitely get your ex back. My intention for writing this guide is not to give you false hope, but to increase your chances of getting your ex back for good.

 

It Can Take A Long Time For You To Get Your Ex Back Especially After A Really Bad Break Up

I know you really want to get your ex back fast and right now. However, there are no magic pills when it comes to saving a relationship. Don’t believe in any claims that say you will win him back within 7 days, 14 days or any numbers for that matter.

Sure, you may have heard of couples who got back together within days or even on a single date. However, you need to remember that every situation is different.

If you realize that you are making good progress with your ex but are still not officially back together, do be patient. After all, Rome is not built overnight.

In fact, it is actually better for you to do it slowly so that you actually have enough time to change the relationship dynamics before getting back together.

Why is that important?

Because if both of you get back together too quickly without changing the relationship dynamics, the reunion is probably not going to last. Before you know it, he is going to break up with you again because he realized that nothing has changed.

That is why patience is extremely important.

 

You Can Get Hurt During The Process

Let’s put it this way. If you really want to get your ex back no matter what, you need to assume that you want him back more than he wants you back. In other words, you need to be the one doing most of the work to save the relationship.

I know this sounds hard. But you can learn to look at it more positively. This mean you are taking control of your relationship. You are actually taking action to fight for your happiness.

I understand that you are a woman. As a woman, you probably expect your ex boyfriend to contact you first. But you need to remember this. The relationship dynamic is very different now. It is not like when he was first pursuing you.

Sure, there is always the possibility that your boyfriend will contact you first. But what if he doesn’t? Are you going to wait forever?

There is always the possibility of getting rejected and hurt if you are the one initiating contact. However, there may be a greater reward waiting for you at the other side, which is true love. After all, no pain, no gain. If you want true love, you need to be willing to show your vulnerable side.

 

Step 2: Healing Yourself

Before you even try to contact your ex, make sure you are not an emotional wreck. When you are too emotional, you will tend to do all kinds of things that will push your ex away.

 

How Do You Start The Healing Process?

Well, the way to do so is through no contact. Basically, that means no calling, texting, sending emails or any other forms of contact. During no contact, you should work on the skills mentioned in this article.

As mentioned above, no contact can be considered as a step for getting your ex back. Basically, you need this step to heal yourself first before you are ready to talk to your ex again.

However, it should not be considered as a way to get your ex back. Implementing no contact is not going to help you get your ex back automatically. Don’t try to use no contact to manipulate your boyfriend or to make him miss you.

In fact, I have written about the consequences of using no contact for the wrong reasons. You can read more about the consequences here.

 

What If No Contact Is Impossible?

Sometimes, it is just not possible to implement no contact due to various reasons. Maybe you are working in the same place. Maybe both of you have kids.

If that is the case, just keep in limited contact with them. Try to be as friendly as you can be. You don’t want to be nasty or simply ignore them. If you do so, your ex will think that you are immature and that is definitely not going to help you get him back.

On the other hand, you don’t want to be overly friendly or talk too much about your relationship right now. If you are still emotional over the break up, that will show during your conversation and it may push your ex away.

 

How Long To Keep In No Contact?

You have probably seen many websites recommending at least 30 days. Personally, I do not believe in such a rule because every relationship is unique. In fact, for certain situations, sticking to 30 days or more of no contact can actually hurt the relationship more than it helps.

After all, no contact is meant to be a tool to heal yourself. Some people are just better at handling their own emotions after a breakup. If you are already feeling better after a few days and you really know what you want, you can go ahead and contact your ex.

However, if you are still extremely emotional even after 30 days, then it is better for you to stay in no contact.

 

What If Your Ex Contact You During No Contact?

Don’t be rude. Don’t ignore them. Make sure you give them a reply.

Some experts may advise you to ignore your ex completely during the no contact period. This is very dangerous. Your ex may think that you are immature or you are simply playing mind games with them.

Many people have lost their relationship for good because they are going overboard with the no contact rule. It is usually not a good idea to take things to the extreme.

If you still need some time to heal yourself and think about the relationship, just let your ex know in your reply. Use the approach mentioned earlier in this article under Myth 3.

 

Your Ex Is Also Using The Internet To Learn How To Get You Back!

You are reading this now because you are using the Internet to learn how to get your ex back. If you can do so, don’t you think that your ex may be doing the same thing?

That is why I do not encourage you to play mind games with your ex. Your ex may know what you are trying to do to him. Imagine how he is going to react if he knows you are playing mind games on him and toying with his feelings.

That is why if he contacts you during the no contact period, you shouldn’t ignore him completely.

 

Step 3: Contact Your Ex

Hopefully by now, you are feeling much better. If that is the case, you can start contacting your ex.

You are probably wondering how you should contact your ex. Is it a good idea to write a letter? How about a text message? Maybe it is better to contact him through Facebook? Or should you just call him straightaway?

Well, there is no hard and fast rule for this. After all, you know your ex best. How did you contact each other when you were still together with your ex. Do you call or text more often?

Sometimes, it is also about personal preferences. Perhaps your ex is someone who prefers talking over the phone. If that is the case, you can consider calling him.

Of course, it is also about you. After all, it can be intimidating for you to initiate that first contact. If you feel uncomfortable using the phone right now or is afraid that you will say the wrong thing, you can use text message instead. At least, you will have the time to think about what you want to say.

Obviously, you can’t get your ex back if you are still in panic mode. That is why I created the Calm Down Newsletter to help you relax.

Once you signed up, I will send you an exercise that you can start practicing today. If you have the discipline to pratise the exercise for at least 5 minutes every day, you will be in a much better place emotionally 30 days from now.

The faster you heal, the faster you can start contacting your ex and get him back. So sign up below to get started.

279 Comments

279 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – Dispelling The Myths

  1. Dear Mark,

    My name is Rick, and i broke up with my ex around one and a half month ago. i must tell you that i happened to be in a gay relationship, but i belive that love is still love no matter what race and gender it is. i’m 31 years old asian guy and going to be 32 this week.

    i’ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years. it’s a long distance relationship. but we live in the same country but different city. i know this might sound cliche but i do love him with all of my heart. But i’ve break his heart cause i lied to him. i replied other guys who chatted me, and i install an app for meeting up. i did meet up with one guy, but we just talking and i told him that i already have a boyfriend but living in other city. i abselutely no intention to have sex with him or what so ever.

    But my boyfriend find out and want to break up. i’ve tried apollogizing and beg him to give me another chance. but he still dont want me back. i tried no contact with him for 20 days. and i go to his city to meet him. he dont want to meet me at first, but i said i just want to clear everything out. he said he still hates me, and dont want to get back together, which i understand. i only said that i want him to open his heart, and he said he’ll try. and then we hug and simple kiss.

    The next day i go back home and hoping that our relationship will be back the way it was. but i was wrong. I admit i push him too much, i said i miss you all the time. and call him all the time. and suddenly he disapeared. he wont answer my text or call. and then i went into panic mode. i keep texting him why he dont call and even asking his friend.

    And i decided to give him another time and didn’t contact him again. I ask my friend to ask just please answer my text (he didn’t know that i was the one who ask my friend to tell him) because i cant think about anything but him. i even send him his stuffed animal and a letter saying that if he want to move on then i will move on. and after 12 days of him not contacting me, he text me and said that he’s ok. and already forgive me. and said he want to move on and i should too.

    I know deep in my heart i still can’t move on from him. we still chat after that for a while. so the next week i went back to his city to meet him. When i was there, he don’t want to see me alone. so he brought his 2 friends with him. i feel sad but i put on a happy face. and then we get the chance for a talk alone just 10 minutes. and he said he still hates me, he no longer has feelings for me, and that he’s seeing someone else. i was broken hearted that time. so i was acting like i dont care about him anymore. and then i went back home. and he text me saying sorry for the way he treated me etc. i replied the next day saying : ok, no worries. and then we stop communicating after that.

    Last night my friend call him and asking if he want to go to my city to give me surprise for my birthday. and then they talk a lot of things. He said that he still hates me, and there’s a lot of people make a move on him but he still don’t want to have a relationship for now. And he said he don’t want to come to my birthday because he dont want me to get the wrong idea. and it’s very hard for him to give me another chance because he still hates me very much. He don’t want to give me promises. if we’re meant to be together then we will be together in the future. but he still want to be friend with me.

    And now im confused what to do. my friends said i have to move on and forget about him. i just can’t because i know he’s the one for me. We already have our future plan. He’s going to my city for study and work here. and i already have plan to bought an apartment together.

    I trully accept my mistake. i know i was wrong. i just want him to give me another chance. im closer to God because of this experience. Im starting my baptism study this week. Can you please help me Mark? i don’t know what to do. What to say when he said happy birthday to me? and how to get him back? cause i trully want to change and make him happy. i know he’s the love if my life. i had past love but none is as powerful as this.

    thank you

    Rick

    • Right now, he is resisting you. So you shouldn’t be pushing for getting back together now. Also, don’t keep on telling him how much you love him at this stage. That will just push him further away. You will understand why after you go through the information here.

      Don’t worry too much about the birthday greetings. However you are going to reply him is not going to make a big difference. The key to getting your ex back is emotional connection. Before the emotional connection can happen, you need to be in a good place emotionally yourself. You need to heal first. You also need to cultivate the necessary relationship skills. You can read this article for more information.

      With these 2 pieces of information, I hope you have a much better idea of what to focus on.

  2. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and 2 months. We were great at the beginning, have a lot in common and had a lot of laughs together. But the last 3 months was tough on us because we had small fights and it was getting too much for him because I always wanted him around. And also I am 24 and he’s 21. He thinks we are going on different path in life as well even though I told him it’s not that far off. I have a feeling that he’s just finding all the excuses to tell himself and me how we are not meant to be. He broke it off with me and I told him to reconsider because I know I was wrong and we would work this out and he did. But few days later, he received a scholarship that he didn’t tell me about and he is going away for a year to China for studies within 2 months time.

    He told me a lot has happened and he going away is not helping as well. He said he can’t do long distance relationship. And I was devastated. He said if he comes back, if we still love each other, we might resume things. But I am not sure if he is just saying that to make me feel better? We had sex the day he left me as well before he break up with me. He was crying. And saying how he love me so much and he don’t understand why. He want to stay but he can’t. He said we should keep in contact and stay friends. The next day, I told him that I can apply to go to China to study with him as well but he said no that he want to be independent and grow by himself.

    We have been messaging each other ever since our break up. And we hang out 6 days after we broke up and had sex again. And he freaked out and said we should never meet again one on one because he want us to move on. I am very confused with what he said about being maybe being together in the future and also moving on as well. Is there a plan where I could do to make this work out? I wanted to start the no contact rule but I don’t want to regret losing him when he went off to China.

    • First, it is best to refrain from having sex after breaking up. You may want to read this article “Should You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend or Be Friends With Benefits?” to find out why.

      Second, try not to set an artificial time limit for yourself. This is because you can’t force a relationship to happen. You have to accept the fact that most probably, you won’t get him within 2 months. That doesn’t mean it is impossible to get back together after he goes to China.

      I know this may not be what you want to hear but I don’t want to sugarcoat you. It is also important for you to have the right expectation so that you can follow a realistic plan to get your ex back.

      If you keep on telling yourself that you have to get him back within 2 months, you will have the tendency to force things to happen. That will backfire and end up pushing him further away. This may cause him not to even want to keep in contact with you after he goes to China.

      At least right now, he wants to stay in touch with you. As long as you are in contact with him, there will always be a chance for you to get back together with him. Don’t worry too much about him saying that he can’t do long distance. That’s what he thinks right now probably because his emotional connection with you is not strong enough at this moment.

      If you want to get back together with him, focus on the emotional connection. Learn the skills that will help you do so. You can read this article for more information of the skills you should focus on.

      • Thank you for your reply. I realized when I stop begging and asking him to work the relationship out and accept the break up, he is more open to talk to me. He actually initiated to meet up with me now instead of the other way round. At first, he was opposed to the idea of me going to China to visit him. But now he is open to the idea of visiting me in Hong Kong when I’m going there for a graduation trip.

        I am just confused about his actions right now. We can have a good day out together but once the date ends, I notice he is messaging me less when he goes home. I try not to freak out and never question him about it. I just wait for his reply and talk like normal because that’s what friends are meant to do anyway. I asked why we are meeting up he said it makes him happy to see me? I hope he is not just using me to fill up his loneliness or void.. He did confess that he still loves me. But I noticed that he has been looking up on videos about girls in China, and dating girls in China. And whether Chinese girls are into European men.. Which hurts me.

        I am not hoping to get back together within 2 months anymore. Right now I’m focusing on the present on creating fun and happy memories with him before he leaves to create a stronger emotional bond. He seek me out when his parents had an argument lately… I’m hoping that it meant he still has a emotional connection with me. I don’t know how to create a strong emotional bond with him when he is far away in China, when he is open to the idea of dating based on his watched youtube list.

        • Emotional connection is not limited to face to face meeting only. It can also be done over text message. Of course, it is going to be harder to build emotional connection over text but not impossible. The key is to work on your awareness and stay in the present moment so that you can be more in tune with his emotions. If he is open to keeping in contact through Skype, that is even better since you can see him.

  3. Hi,

    My bf and I have been together for over 2 years. We broke up for 2 months last year because we both wanted to mature a bit more before continuing the relationship. Last time we broke up, we maintained a friendship, and we eventually got back together when he became worried I was considering dating someone else. We get along well other than that, and rarely fight.

    Yesterday we broke up again because he said that although there is nothing wrong with the relationship, he wants to be single and wants to find out who he is as a person. I was hurt, because he had promised me that he wouldn’t hurt me again. He’s a great person, and I hope that we can can get back together again. I haven’t contacted him since we broke up, should I maintain this for 25-30 days and then contact him to see if he wants to try the relationship again?

    Thanks :)

    • It is not a good idea to talk about the relationship on the first contact. Usually when people do that, they end up pushing their ex further away. As for the reasons, this is actually covered in great detail in my newsletter. You should receive that information on Day 11.

  4. Hi Mark,

    My ex bf of 2.5 years broke up with me a month ago. We have been long distance all this time and been able to travel to see each other 6 times. He has always been loving sweet caring and overall we’ve had a wonderful relationship. Two months before the break up he was planning to finally come to live here but his Parents were giving him a hard time and he fell into depression. His dream has always been to live in America. I didn’t realize his depression until he started ignoring and I became needy and clingy and I belittle him everytime we fought. Even though I apologized later those words were always on the back of his mind. So after one of those fights he broke up with me even telling me he doesn’t love me anymore. A week before he was telling me how much he misses me and he was sweet and all so it was confusing to accept his words. I begged and pleaded miserably for 4 days after the break up . He had blocked me from social media but then he unblock and even though he was reading my messages he didn’t reply. During this 26 Days of NC he hasn’t contacted me neither have I. I have worked intensively on my healing and made lots of changes with my personality realizing so many mistakes I made . I feel I’m healed now. Problem is I don’t know how to approach him. How to break the silence ? What to say if he was the one broke up with me ? I forgave all at this point I had to for my healing process I hold no grudges but I do have a hard time finding what to say to him ? What do u suggest ? He should be coming here soon to a friend of his in Michigan . Should I travel to see him and just show up in his country and contact him to see if he would like to meet up even as a friend? I mean all of this break up situation was over the phone not even skype :/ I haven’t seen him in person since February. Please I need your help

    • Although he told you that he doesn’t love you anymore, you don’t have to worry about it. He said that due to his emotional state at that time. It is simply a matter of content vs context. Hope that clears up your confusion.

      I know right now, a single day may feel like a year to you. However, 26 days is not really considered long when it comes to getting your ex back or even healing. Are you sure you have healed from the breakup? Are you truly emotionally ready to contact your ex?

      If you are sure you are ready, then just send a simple short message just to break the ice. Maybe a message he will appreciate. For example, “Hey, I heard your favorite band is going to your country. Just want to inform you in case you are not aware of it.”

      You have known him for 2.5 years after all, so I am sure you know at least a few things he may be interested in.

      I don’t recommend just showing up in his country unless you have a legitimate reason to be there like you are there for work. He may not like the “surprise”. Try to break the ice first. Don’t do anything too drastic.

      When you send the message to him, make sure you are doing so without any expectation. Your mindset is very important here. Send it to him because you really think he will be interested. If he replies you, great. If he doesn’t, that’s alright too. Don’t panic and bombard him with more messages. That will push him further away.

      Maybe he is just not ready to talk to you yet. That’s why he doesn’t reply. Just send him an ice breaking message every now and then until he replies you. No fixed timing here. Sometimes, you can send him once a week. Sometimes, once every 2 weeks. Sometimes, once every 2 months. You get the idea here.

      Getting your ex back can be a very slow process. You need a lot of patience here.

      With that said, I am not telling you to spend all your time thinking about your ex. You should focus on leading a meaningful and enriching life. Getting your ex back just happen to be one of the many goals in your life. That is a more constructive approach to take to get your ex back and when you are having a good time, you have more things to share with your ex so that you can invite him back into your life.

  5. Hi Mark,

    Me and my boyfriend were in a relationship 2 yrs. We connected on a lot of levels, shared a number of interests like music, comics, science…so on. We have mostly lived far away. Met perhaps twice a month at most when for a short duration I moved to a city close to him and have once even gone six months without seeing each other at most. Off late we were having some nasty fights and some of it were due to my insecurity that we werentn’t talking much as we was really busy at work and his insistence that he has to till he gets somewhere with his career. We did have some wonderful moments whenever we met. He didn’t abandon me even for a second. Recently after a nasty fight he told me he really needed to break up as he was hating these and he would if this continued. Then all was good for a few days. Both of us were taking care to actually be considerate. Then he sort of didnt talk to me at all on my birthday, the reason being he was traveling inter country and didn’t have network for sometime. I got really upset, he too got angry as he felt i was too impatient. He dumped me. Didn’t listen to me at all.We have not spoken in 6 days now. I don’t know what to do.
    On the same day, He told his mother, who is very close to me, that he ended it because of me being rude and then asked her to call me to ask how I was doing. She refused. He didn’t say anything. I later came to to know this when his mother called me. I feel shattered Mark. Don’t know what is happening. Help me.

    • It seems that all these fights has eroded the emotional connection between the two of you. When the emotional connection is gone, the break up will happen. So what you need to do is if you want to get him back is to build up the emotional connection again.

      Obviously, that is going to take time. Give yourself some time to heal first and work on developing new relationship skills. You may want to read this article for more information on what are the important areas to focus on.

      Then once you are healed and emotionally ready, reach out to him again. That is sort of a big picture plan on what you need to do.

  6. Hi,

    I was with a guy for a year. When we met he was very nice and telling he wants a relationship with me, that we should do many things together etc…
    After he became distant but he still text me maybe once per 2 weeks, he was very busy with his work. But when we met each other we had a nice time and he was all the time saying that we have to spent more time together, go on holidays etc…few months later he became even more distant, I saw that he is all the time traveling and with his friends but he still text me sometimes…only for sex I think!
    He went on holidays without telling me anything and texting me and when he comeback he told me that he changed his job and is moving to another city and he wanted to apologize. Since he left he still text me only for sexting, even if he is telling me he likes me a lot and if he wouldn’t moved we would he together. Told him that don’t want sextext anymore and he reply to me to be friends. What should I do? I am confused and don’t know what to think. Thanks

    • He isn’t serious about you. That is actually quite obvious and most probably, you know it but you don’t want to accept it.

      Have the courage to let go. I know it is painful but clinging on to this guy is not going to lead to anywhere. Don’t let your emotions cloud your thinking.

      Believe in yourself. I am sure you will find another man who is serious about you and will treat you well.

  7. Hello Mark,

    I have a “philosophical” question.
    I am torn apart. I don’t know if I should hope and try to get back with an ex or just focus on forgetting about him with time. From this break up, I learned a lot. But I am afraid to try and end up hurt again. We’ve had arguments, obviously. My pride and my feelings are in a constant fight.

    We all read those quotes about exes:
    Going back to an ex is like reading a book again, when you already know the ending
    OR
    Once something is broke, you can glue it back together but you still can see the cracks (if people can be compared to objects, what would they be? A glass or a bone, for instance?)
    OR (in a more vulgar way)
    Going back to an ex is like eating your vomit

    I was wondering what were your rational thoughts about that…

    • Going back to an ex is like reading a book again, when you already know the ending.

      Well, there are some good books that I have read several times. Every time I read them, I learned something new. While the ending may be the same, assuming you are talking about a novel, your experience and your appreciation of it may be totally different.

      After all, different people have different ways of reading a book. Some people just skim through a book quickly, thinking that they know the big picture but miss the finer details. Some people read from cover to cover, too obsessed with every detail that they miss the bigger picture. Some people are distracted or multi tasking when reading a book and miss out the gems.

      So you can consider reading the book a second time using a different approach.

      With that said, it is worth noting that some books are worth reading over and over again because they are so profound. Some books are not worth reading a second time. Some books are not worth reading at all.

      Of course, at the end of the day, it is you who have to decide whether a book is worth reading again or even worth reading in the first place. After all, different people have different opinions and preferences.

      Once something is broke, you can glue it back together but you still can see the cracks.

      Well, sometimes objects can be used as a good analogy but not always right?

      Most probably, you have heard of people who broke up because of affairs but eventually got back together, the relationship stronger than ever.

      You have to understand that sometimes, these quotes are written by people who are feeling rejected themselves. They are writing these quotes just to console themselves.

      Why?

      Most probably because they have no idea how to solve their problems.

      If you want to achieve something, why would you want to waste time listening to people who don’t know how to solve their own problem?

      You have a choice here.

      Either take personal responsibility for your own relationship so that you are more likely to get what you want.

      Alternatively, you can let the people who wrote these quotes to take responsibility for you by following those quotes. Just know that if you choose that option, you are probably not going to get what you want.

  8. Afternoon Mark,

    My boyfriend and I had been dating each other for three months. About a month ago he broke up with me saying that he didn’t think he was emotionally stable to be dating someone right now and didn’t think it would be fair for me. Before all of this, he said that he had no intentions of going back to his ex girlfriend and wanted to keep dating me and did not see us breaking up anytime soon but later on he drunk texted me and said that he still loved his ex and he couldn’t deny it. The next day, he called me up and apologized to me. He said he needed time to think and I gave him space even though at first I pestered him and got mad even though I didn’t show my anger when he didn’t tell me Happy Birthday and blocked me on Facebook (on my birthday) when we were still dating. A week or so after, he broke up with me. His reason was that he was too busy with school and military to be with me since we used to hang out all the time and he didn’t think that he could give me what I needed all the time even though I told him that I did not need to be around him 24/7 and that we could work it out. But he told me that it would just be better if we broke up, so I agreed with him, even though I didn’t want to. I knew I wouldn’t have won that fight. He told me that we might get back together “in a few weeks, perhaps a month, or a few months. Maybe a few weeks.” in his own words, he kept saying a few weeks. He did tell me that he wanted to be friends but I was like okay but I don’t know how that will work out since I am not friends with any of my exes. He acted hot and cold with me and still sort of is. Though he does contact me, usually every few days and I do not initiate contact with him since I need time to heal myself but I do answer him back but yet if I text, he will ignore me sometimes. But lately, he has been better at contacting. He wanted to keep having sex with me but I told him I couldn’t any longer, not unless we were dating. He respected my decision and told me later on that “I think you’re right.. We shouldn’t do it anymore.. I think you are right.. We shouldn’t unless we are dating..” Was what he texted me. He has told me a few times that he did not feel like I connected with him and that I was too shy at communicating certain things perhaps, he never specified on which aspect of it. As time grows between us, I can understand what i did wrong even though he never put any blame on me and I can see that he was expecting more from me and moving faster that I could keep up which ended in us breaking up. But I do remember him sometimes comparing me to my ex (i.e. told me he didn’t feel like i connected to him like his ex did. and he told me that his ex would complain on how much he wanted sex when we were dating but he said that he enjoyed that I wouldn’t complain to him about it). I love this guy very much even though we haven’t been dating for long. I want him back and its been pretty much about a month now. I am sort of stuck on where to go from here. Any advice? People have been telling me to let go of him and move on but I don’t want to and I’m trying to be as optimistic as I can.

    • The key to getting your ex back is emotional connection. So this is what you need to focus on. If you are able to connect with him at a much deeper level than what his ex used to do, then your chances of getting back together with him will increase significantly.

      As for how to connect with him emotionally, this is a skill that can be learned. You may want to read this article for more information.

  9. Hello Mark,
    My ex boyfriend broke up with me 1 month ago and I really want him back. We had been together for 6 years. The reason we broke up was because I found out him and my cousin had been texting each other for months, it upset me so much but I still loved him. He told me all the texting had ended then a few months later. I figured out they were still texting each other. It got to me so much. I was so angry and upset I was taking it out on everyone especially my ex. We argued a lot and most of the time was because of my cousin. When we broke up, I tried everything to get him back but nothing has worked. Last night I drove down his road (not on purpose).
    And saw him and my cousin with their arms wrapped around each other. Walking down the road my heart truly sunk. I stopped and my cousin walked off. We haven’t talked in months and months. My ex came over to my car and I said calmly, I knew this would happen and he got really annoyed and said nothing was going on with them. They were not together, just friends. I told him how upset it made me and I could tell he felt bad and I could see the sadness in his eyes when I got upset. He said to me who knows what might happen in the future, we might end up together when we’re older but I didn’t know what to say . He went on to say how miserable he is now and he thinks about everything that happened everyday and that when he’s not at work, he sits at home wanting to be alone. The following night, I tried to send him an urgency text saying I was hoping we could still be friends we had so many good time together it’s a shame and that I wish him all the best. He replied “and you”. Then I text him saying how much I admired him for the things he has done for me in the past and that he is a good person. And that I think we just needed time apart but things could workout and he said its too late it’s all in the past now and that too much has happened. Please help me. I’m so in love with him it’s crazy. Please help me get him back I’m so worried about what may happen with my cousin it would crush my heart if they get together.

  10. Hi Mark,

    It’s been 2.5 months since my ex broke up with me (Valentine’s Day), and a little over 2 months since we last spoke to each other. The relationship lasted for 10.5 months, becoming long distance halfway through when he decided to finish up school and transferred to a university on the other end of the state.

    Let me start by saying that the foundation of our relationship was a bit rocky to start. We started off as friends and were in the same circle of friends. He lived down the street from me, so we would often carpool with each other which eventually led to spending one on one time together just because he lived so close. He was originally very against being in relationship because of the nature of the last one he had before me. To sum things up, he ended up moving out of his family’s home against their wishes to be with a woman 5 years older than him that he met online. She moved across the country to be with him. This was the reason he dropped out of school to begin with, and they were barely able to make ends meet and he didn’t have any financial support from his family, which included lack of transportation, allowance, etc. The woman he was with also displayed suicidal tendencies because their life together was so difficult. Eventually he decided he couldn’t take it anymore, ended the relationship with her, and moved back home, essentially starting his higher education again from scratch. This left him with an incredibly jaded view on relationships, and I remember him telling me that he did not have the desire to be in one until after he’d finished school and was in a stable career so that he would be ready.

    I met him around 10 months after this had all happened. I developed feelings for him rather early in our friendship, but respecting his wishes of not wanting a relationship I just kept them to myself. A good year or so passed and eventually, he began to warm up to me. He was the one who actually displayed direct hints of interest towards me first, which surprised me. But not wanting to be toyed with, I eventually confronted him about it and he admitted to having feelings for me, but was still unsure as to if he wanted to be in a relationship. We left it at that, but eventually the change in atmosphere between us led him to be willing to give it a try. But while it was good at first, eventually his doubts started to creep in again and he closed himself off a good deal, being present but “not really there,” if you know what I mean because he didn’t know if it was what he should be doing and ended up either cancelling plans with me for other ones or simply just not having his heart in it when he was with me, which ended up hurting me a lot when moments like that came.
    .
    For a couple of months I stuck through it. He kept me at an arms length, caring for me but not letting me get too close and not giving the relationship as much time and effort as I would have liked. Although he was keen on spending time with our mutual friends, when it came to spending time with me he clammed up and would hold himself back. But slowly, things began to improve again. It took a lot of patience and care, but I remained steadfast because I thought that the relationship was worth the struggle I would have to endure. He was one of my closest friends, after all, plus I’d grown to care about him a lot so I wasn’t going to give up on him so easily. I waited for him to gradually open himself up again, respecting his wishes even though I would have wanted his all, I was okay with what he could offer until he was confident in himself again. And it paid off. Things eventually were good again. He was able to manage our relationship with school and even though we were in the same friend group, we were able to spend ample time together as well, and opened himself up and allowed himself to truly care for me.

    And then he chose to transfer to a university across the state out of junior college. I was devastated by the news at first, because long distance is difficult. Communication issues arose after he left, but we managed to pull through for a few months while he was there. He was never the best communicator outside of face to face with anyone really, and it was like this for a little while when he left but again, my patience paid off and he began to converse with me more, just for the sake of it. When he would come back for holidays he would be happy to see me and we would enjoy our time together knowing it was limited. Over winter break, we spent New Year’s Eve together, just the two of us, and he met my parents. He also finally came out to his parents about dating me, which was a big step for him. I thought that we could make it through the year and a half he had left of university and that things would be fine.

    However, when he got back things started to slide. I blame myself a little bit for needing so much validation when he was far away, and him simply not able and not willing to provide it because he knows that I struggle with self esteem issues. He closed himself off again, not very eager or willing to talk to me. And sensing that things were going sour, I tried so desperately to fix it. I’d badger him to talk and the issues would be brought up, only to have him refute me or say it wasn’t the time to talk about this. There would never be resolution to the conflict, and this continued for a couple of weeks before he was due back in town – Valentine’s day weekend. Even though things weren’t the best at the time, I was still eager to see him and hoped we could work things out.
    When he got back though, he seemed very distant. When we would have pockets of alone time together, he would act disinterested and do his own thing like be on his phone or watching TV. And when we were with our friends, he acted like I didn’t even exist, giving them all his time and attention and making me feel like I didn’t have a place there anymore. This only made things more tense as it got me very upset, and mini arguments ensued leading up to Valentine’s day. We went out on an actual date and things were fine, but then when we got back to my place and finished a move after dinner, I wanted to be able to talk to him, have a real conversation with him. But again, he distanced himself and seemed completely uninterested in talking, which made me upset again. I told him to tell me if anything was bothering him, and he finally admitted that he’d been unhappy with the direction the relationship was going and wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in it anymore.

    This led to me panicking and trying to bargain, which only pushed him farther away. We ended up arguing for a long while. He said things like he couldn’t see a future with me and that he couldn’t see himself falling in love with me, that he’d given me so many chances to change things concerning how I wanted is time and attention and that even though I had just begun seeing a therapist, it wasn’t doing anything to make him believe that things would be different. Eventually we were both too tired to try anymore and he left. I was devastated. I was able to speak with him again the next day before he left for school and tried one last ditch effort to get him back, but he refused, saying that he would still like to remain friends. I refused to give him that though, deeming that I wanted nothing to do with him if we didn’t want the same thing. Following that exchange, I deleted his number, blocked him from my Skype and other internet chat mediums, and deactivated my Facebook altogether.

    But what stung even more was that the mutual friends we had chose to make it more of a pick sides situation, and ultimately with them being mostly guys, they picked his. They ended up saying lots of nasty things about me behind my back to each other as well as to my ex when he explained to them that we broke up. And when I tried to make amends with them for whatever stress the breakup may have put on them, they either ignored me or made an excuse so that they didn’t have to talk to me. One of them did relay what he’d said to them concerning the breakup, quoting that problems had arisen because of wanting his time and attention, which led to conflicts concerning things he wasn’t doing and eventually he became displeased with my behavior and the direction of the relationship, choosing to end it for the sake of his own happiness and well-being. And reading that really hurt me because to me, it felt like he wasn’t nurturing the relationship at all when he was away and that’s what made me upset. Relationships, especially ones that are in long distance situations, need care. And even when I would try to find compromises, he would be unwilling to bend, deeming it as not in his nature to do so, which led me to think that I was just the problem completely when I shouldn’t be, since a relationship takes two people. And another thing was that through this experience, he learned that the relationship he wanted was one that was “mature and understanding” when I don’t think he was either of those half the time. I did my best to respect his wishes an hobbies that made me wait until 2 or 3AM just to be able to talk to him since he plays games all the time, and then apparently he wasn’t sensitive to understand why it might make me upset when he deems that he’s too tired to talk afterwards among other recurring problems. He basically thought he was in the right all the time, when I really did try to understand things from his perspective hence the ideas for compromise, but even then he would still refute the suggestions because he was so stubborn and unwilling to bend.

    All of this has created a lot of adversity in my conviction to want him back, especially with the former friends essentially disliking me now. He’s also a very stubborn individual, which makes me afraid that he’s cut out any possibility of being in a relationship with me again, especially after all the things he said, especially about not seeing himself able to fall in love with me. He’s going to be away at university for another year or so, so I really don’t know how to go about this. I feel like the longer I’m in NC, the farther away he gets. But with someone like him, I feel like I would need to bide my time and be careful about it until he really is at that point where he’s mature enough to nurture a relationship. I apologize for the length of this message, but if you could give me some insight and feedback on the steps I need to take in a situation like this, I would really appreciate it.

  11. Hi Mark, I have been doing the no contact rule and currently in week 3, the first two weeks were the hardest but it seemed to get easier as time goes on. I have analysed the relationship that I had with my ex and realise where I went wrong. I feel like a different person then I was when I was dumped. The break up really hit me at first because I thought that my whole world was falling around me, but after a while I realised I have been acting needy and desperate. Unfortunately my ex has dropped all contact and is a stubborn guy. Is there anyway I could communicate with him without looking desperate or needy? Or should I just wait it out as just see if he contacts me?

    • Are you emotionally ready to contact him? Are you still in reaction mode? You may want to read this article where I talk about healing yourself, reacting to situation versus responding to situation as well as internal transformation.

      Ultimately, if you are not truly emotionally ready and you still feel insecure in your core, he will probably be able to sense your desperation and neediness.

      So no contact is totally useless if you don’t spend the time really working on yourself. I think you should be honest with yourself. Most people don’t transform themselves within 3 weeks. So you may want to ask yourself how much have you improved during those 3 weeks? Most probably, you still need more time to work on yourself.

      So I suggest that you don’t be in a hurry to contact him. I also don’t recommend taking the passive approach and waiting for him to contact you. Instead, I suggest that you really spend this period of time healing yourself, developing new relationship skills like I mentioned in that article I ask you to read. Only when you are truly ready do you start reaching out to him.

      Trying to reach out to him before you are ready will only confirm to him that he has made the right decision to breakup with you because he can see that you are still the same old person he broke up with. So be patient. Make sure you really feel secure in your core before reaching out to him.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *