Does He Still Love Me?

If you’ve recently been dumped, or in some other unfortunate way found yourself suddenly without your man, your mind is probably full of scary questions. “Does he still love me? Can I still get him back?” You can spend all day on his Facebook page and be no closer to an answer.

Worse yet, you may think you’ve found clues that he definitely doesn’t still like you — it may seem as if he’s completely moved on, in fact, and left you far behind. Based on what he’s doing and how he’s acting, it can really seem like he’s found a hundred and one things more interesting than you.

This, of course, makes that breakup a thousand times harder. The pain you feel — the almost physical effects of emotional pain that seem to completely overwhelm you only gets worse when it seems like he’s just not experiencing any.

But does your ex-boyfriend really want you back? Determining the answer to this question is not possible to 100% accuracy, since even he probably doesn’t completely know, especially not at first. The signs that he might still be interested often read backwards: whatever it may seem like the answer is, it may very well be the exact opposite. Here’s a few ideas to get you started on the process.

 

Anger: The First Sign

Most people think that hate is the opposite of love, and if you’re talking about a kindergartener learning opposites, then sure, you might be right. But when it comes to relationships, hate is definitely not the opposite of love. In fact, they’re a lot closer than you might think. On the other hand, you may have been through emotional storms before, and know how quickly hate and love can transmute into one another, and how easily.

So what, then, you might be asking, is the opposite of love? And what does this all have to do with me?

answers

The opposite of love is apathy.

Think about it: if you really love someone, and they betray you deeply, you probably go straight to the other end of the spectrum and hate them, at least for a little while. If things go well, you may very well switch back to love again. But you don’t slide on a scale, loving them less and less until you don’t care about them, and then disliking them more and more until you hate them.

You switch instantly from one to the other. If asked, in that moment, why you hated that person so much, you’d answer “because I loved him so much, and he… [insert betrayal].” Because I loved him so much. That’s the key. It’s almost as if there are two components to any emotion: intensity, and type. It’s much easier to switch types of emotions than it is to switch intensities.

Going from love to apathy is actually a lot harder, and a lot rarer than switching from love to hate. And it’s a lot harder to go back from apathy to love. If he’s truly over you, he doesn’t hate you. He’s apathetic.

Now, what does this have to do with you? Well, it means that if he went from deeply loving you to acting like he hates you, that means that he has switched the category of emotion, not the intensity. And it also means that it’s much easier to switch back to the one you want him to feel: love.

So, if you find that your ex-boyfriend is extremely angry with you, and especially if you broke up while he was angry, he’s probably got some serious emotional baggage, some voices in his head telling him that leaving you was a really bad idea. They’re probably describing to him in great detail (as he goes about his day) how it felt to have you in his arms. How safe it was. How awesome it was.

Which brings us to Sign #2.

 

The No Contact Rule: The Second Sign

This is a hard one for many women to understand, and it can seem manipulative or conniving at first glance. But, in all likelihood, it is not. What’s going on here is that, since he’s broken up with you, and it’s probably going to be public knowledge at some point, his masculine training from early childhood says that he should be picking up and moving on, like a “real man” would. Now, this has nothing to do with the reality of how he’s feeling about the whole thing, but it’s important because it affects the way he’s going to seem to you right now.

Expect lots of Facebook updates and statuses about how super-fantastic everything in his life right now. You might see pictures of him with other women, or just with his buddies, having just a fantastic time. It can really seem like he never even knew you existed, but he’s trying to cover up—from you perhaps as much as himself—how he’s really feeling. There is still a part of him that wants to come back, most likely, but he’s not about to show that face to the world. Not right now, while he’s supposedly moving on from that relationship that he ended.

 

Partying Hard: The Third Sign

The third sign is related to the second, but it is slightly different, also. If it seems like he’s spending an awful lot of time partying, drinking, and maybe—it’s hard to hear, but be brave—flirting or sleeping with other women, that can be another sign that he’s trying hard to get over you, or at least to quell that part of him that’s telling him that he made a mistake ending things.

This is classic guy behavior, and it can be a big tell-tale that the façade of things being great that he’s desperately trying to keep up is not the whole story.

Stay on the lookout for these signs, as they are often the biggest signs that your boyfriend does want you back. Of course, every case is different, but this will give you at least a place to start.

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86 thoughts on “Does He Still Love Me?

    • Hi Jane,

      It is hard for me to say without knowing more about your relationship. There is a possibility that he just want to move on, that’s why he is ignoring you. There is also the possibility that he is using no contact on you to make you miss him in order to get you back.

    • Did you do anything that causes him to block you on Facebook? For example, are you sending him too many text messages or acting too needy?

  1. I admit. I cheated on my boyfriend and he told me that he hates me. I regretted my mistakes and I still love him. Does he still love me?

    • Hi Tracy, as mentioned in the article, the opposite of love is apathy or indifference. If he says he hates you, it means he still has feelings for you.

  2. I dated a man for over 3 years and 4 weeks ago I told him not to contact me anymore if he can’t commit to me or make plans or build a future with me. He knows what I want in a relationship. I haven’t heard since!

  3. Well its alittle complicated ,We were talking on phone as usual very cool , warm , both saying that we love each other then he asked me for some thing and i refused ,explaining why then he respectfully understood though didn’t convenced then i asked for some thing and he said he would do it if i eccept to do what he asked and i some how accept then he did what i asked but when it was my turn to do what he asked i figure out that i can’t but he felt angry thought that i fooled him then i begged to him to belive me that i realy cant but he didn’t believe and he said if you will not do what i asked then we shall not talk i felt angry and told him that i can leave him without even look behind if he said that again then he was so quite saying ok keep the phone on but not talking then i kept talking but he didnt then after minutes i turn it off and after few days i tried to get him back many times but he refused to talk any more
    Any way that thing he asked me for wasnt big deal ,( it was some kind of response to him)
    If he loves me that much how could he left for such reason knowing how much i loved him? Will he back?

    • Is that a norm in your relationship or is this the first time? Because his behavior seems a bit childish to me, especially if it is over something that is not a big deal.

      • First time , we never realy seperate we used to love each other so much , m not so sure of why is that happened, even children miss thier loved ones after fight. he’s kinda disappeared i haven’t hear from him about nearly a month

        • I know this is not what you want to hear.

          Ask any guys and they will probably give you the same answer.
          A man who truly loves you will not disappear on you for an insignificant reason like what you said.

          I know it is painful but holding on to it makes it worse.

          You have a choice here.
          You can choose to hold on to a relationship that will never work or to move on so that you can meet a better man who will not disappear on you.

          It is so easy for a man to tell you that he loves you. But his action doesn’t match his words.
          You are not losing anything by letting go. He is not even yours in the first place.

  4. my ex broke up with me coz i was pressuring him too much, he loved me more than i love him but he told me that its over, evrytime i tried communicating and apologizing he will alwYS point out all the wrong things that i have done which can be easily work on, he loved me more than i love him he got tired and told me its over and i heard that she is dating someone new after 2 weeks and the girl is also in a relationship with another man, im so lost dont know what to do, i want him back..

    • You need to take a step back for now.

      An apology is pointless now because first, the timing is not right and second, it doesn’t show him that you have changed. And I suspect that you are apologizing in a way that only makes him more resistant to you.

      For example, saying “I am sorry and I will change” is not going to work because it is all words and no action. Even if you have really changed, at least your ex has not seen the changes in you yet.

      A more effective way to apologize will be something like “I must have caused you a lot of pain because of my action”. The key to an effective apology is to acknowledge your ex’s feelings.

      However, as mentioned above, this is not the right time for apology. Let the dust settle first. You have mentioned that your ex broke up with you because you are giving him too much pressure.

      If you keep on contacting him now, you are only telling him that you have not changed and he is right to break up with you.

      Take this opportunity to heal and reflect on what your ex has told you. Is he reasonable? If he is, then you really need to work on yourself so that he can see the changes in you.

      You mentioned that your ex is dating a girl now and yet that girl is dating another man. That is not necessary a bad thing for you.

      It probably means his current relationship is not really serious and may even be a rebound relationship. And usually, a rebound relationship doesn’t last.

      Don’t go crazy and prevent him from dating another girl. Take this opportunity to work on yourself.

  5. hi mark,
    i wrote you a few months ago and got really good answers from you. i can’t find my post now so can’t copy-paste it here for you to see the progress so i’ll put it in short –

    i moved back to my country after he broke up with me (long distance relationship after having lived together for 2 years) citing “needing to be on my own while i’m still young”. this happened in january. i was still in europe then, studying, but we were in different countries.

    a few weeks ago he apologized for running away from the relationship so fast, he could see i was trying to make it work and he doesn’t know where we are right now and where we’ll be later but he wants me to know that he remembers only the good we had. after that he sent me the link of a company i should apply to work freelance for (i’m a designer).two days ago he sent me a link of some stupid page of “30 awkward moments a short girl goes thru” or some crap. yes, i’m pretty tiny. i didn’t reply to this.

    what’s going on? is this his way of trying to be friends? what should i do? he lives in europe, i in asia. would love to know what you think.

    thanks and best

    • Yes, I remember you. I just read through your previous comments.

      It is hard to tell his exact intention. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Maybe he wants to get back together with you. Only time will tell.

      For now, don’t assume anything. See what other actions he is taking next so that his intention is clearer.

      As for what you should do, you need to ask yourself what do you really want?

      Do you just want to be friends with him? I doubt so.

      I suspect a part of you still want him back. That is probably why you are posting here.

      The thing is, you don’t have to make a decision right now. After all, you are not even sure of his intention yet.
      Just wait and see. You can just give him a neutral reply, such as a simple “thank you” and leave it as that.

      The keyword here is “Observe”. See what he is doing and respond accordingly.

      Even if you know that he wants you back, you should not take him back immediately. After all, he left you because he wants to be “independent” and sleep around. So, you don’t want to give him the impression that he can walk in and out of your door as and when he wants.

      Do take some time to think about whether this relationship is worth it. Let’s not forget that it is a long distance relationship after all. Maintaining a LDR is definitely not easy and you never know whether he is going to walk out of you again.

      Also, do not put your life on hold because of him. If somewhere along the line, you meet a man you like, go ahead and date him. Don’t close off your other options because of a LDR that may or may not bear fruits.

      Another thing you want to consider is this. He told you he wanted to sleep around. If he really did, can you accept that?

      • Hi Mark,
        Thanks so much for your advice. It makes a lot of sense, especially the “observe” bit. The funny part is that he usually writes to me on his day off from work (tuesdays) or when (as he says) he’s tipsy. Hahaha!
        Will keep you in the loop if you don’t mind, I don’t trust myself anymore to do the right thing.
        Again, thanks so so much.

  6. At this point idk if I would take him back, but I want your opinion Mark.

    We had been together for 4 years, he and I. This past year was rough because he moved 45 mins away and got two jobs, therefore had no time for me. In this time, he rarely contacted me or saw me. He was never big into communication to begin with, but it was ok because we saw each other three times a week. When he moved, he applied the same effort but with never seeing each other, this was detrimental. He is my first real love, and I am his first long term girlfriend, I might add.

    So he told me he had a friend at work, who was a lesbian and therefore I shouldn’t be jealous. I had a strange intuition and found her on FB to discover he had lied about that lesbian bit.

    So after 4 years together, and a fight barely worth mentioning, he emails me that it’s over, he was unhappy and not to bother trying to contact him because he blocked me everywhere. We had been an on-off couple and he frequently broke up with me, to prove points, or win arguments, or to just be hurtful, and the next week we would be fine.

    So I prayed on it, I meditated long and hard and decided I would act out of love. I was so frustrated that he barely contacted me, but maybe he didn’t because of his own demons. I decided to make him feel better the next week, hoping to reconcile, I brought a gift, I wanted him to know I cared and supported his dreams. When I arrived, he wasn’t there, but the manager was, and I asked if he could give my gift to him, he said he would, asked who I was, and when I did, he said “oh, but I thought he was dating a girl who we work with”.

    And my heart shattered, 4 years together to be broken up via EMAIL and to find out he barely wasted anytime to be with the new girl. She was groomed to be his rebound! (which I think is tantamount to cheating)! The disturbing bit is that she actually looks a lot like me, we are both half Asian. And he had mentioned once to me that Asian girls weren’t attractive to him, except me, so it’s not a “type” thing. I want to know what’s going on. I feel like he’s trying to find a new me. Idk, but I know rebounds don’t last. He hasn’t dealt with his feelings for me. He knows now that I know, and I’ve not tried to contact him since. He told me that because of this drama he got fired. What do you think he is doing? And why?

    • Hi Jane,

      I am sorry to hear what you have been going through.

      I know it can be hard to hear the truth but accepting the truth can set you free and help you to move on.

      I really hope I am wrong. The way I see it, it may not be a rebound relationship after all.

      Not every relationship just after a breakup is considered a rebound relationship. Most probably, he has already decided to breakup with you for quite some time. And it seems like he has no intention to get back together with you anymore which is why he blocks you. Also, he is the one who initiated the break up. Therefore, he doesn’t have any feelings to process in the first place. Even if that is a rebound relationship, it doesn’t mean he will get back together with you when the rebound ends.

      You may also want to consider the fact that he often break up with you just to hurt you. Based on that alone, he is just not worth getting back together with.

      I know this may not be what you want to hear. However, you have to face it sooner or later. I know he is your first love but he doesn’t have to be your last. Learn from this experience and you will definitely become a much stronger person. You deserve a better man who will treat you well, love you and respect you. Take care.

      • I guess I should have mentioned, this wasn’t the first time this happened. Last year he broke up with me and found a new girl the very next week. That lasted only a week. He always came back to me, after that ended. He’d want me again after every break up. I don’t think he ever thought through about these break ups.

        By definition though, hooking up within days, and from what he’s done before, I do believe she’s a rebound. He’s obviously highly unstable, and I don’t think he would react in such extremes if he didn’t have any feelings about me.

        But I think you are right about whether or not I should want him to come back. He was abusive and hurtful, immature and selfish.

  7. Hi Mark, I met my boyfriend while renting a house on his families farm. We dated, fell in love & everything was great. I noticed he was disappearing sometimes & it wasn’t hard to notice when I lived across from him. I instantly thought he was cheating but come to find out he has other issues. I thought I could overlook them but our arguing intensified. After a year & 8 months on his farm (he was deeded the farm while i lived there) I received an eviction notice. I was devastated but moved out. He wanted to keep seeing me occasionally & that was very hard for me. He stopped contacting me, I had a brief fling with someone he knew & when he found out he went ballistic. We tried working thru what I did but he got angrier by the day until he lost it. Let’s just say he was arrested, has 2 years probation & 26 weeks of anger mgt classes. Even after all this we kept seeing each other. Recently I got angry because he did not attend a wedding with me & canceled at the last second. I blocked his calls/texts & when he did get in touch with me, he was very hateful. He’s been telling me he hates my guts, I’m ugly, I’m deformed, he’s going to find someone else, etc… My family & friends dispise him but I still love him. What is wrong with me? Is he being this cruel because of apathy? I live far away from family & friends & he’s all I have so now I’m lonely, sad & have no money to go out & feel better about myself. Is he a waste of time? One more thing, both of us have anger issues but I would never be so cruel like him. Thank you

    • Are you saying that he hit you? If that is the case, you should definitely consider leaving him. If it can happen once, it can happen again in the future.

      I know it may not be easy for you to leave the relationship now but it is definitely something you need to do when the time is right. Are you staying in the relationship because of financial constraint or fear that he may do something to you or other reasons? Do you have any friends that you can call and get help?

      • He didn’t hit me but his actions were violent, I called the police & he resisted arrest according to them. I have stayed in this relationship because I really do love him. He taught me a lot of things on his farm & I enjoyed being with him. I think he is more insecure than I am & his farm along with his four wheelers & other amenities make him feel like a king. I am not the type to walk away & I have jealousy issues so we clashed sometimes. You are right, his actions do speak louder than his words & I don’t think I could trust him to move forward in a more exclusive relationship. Marc, thank you.

  8. Sorry Mark, I forgot one more thing this guy has said to me other than his cruel words. He told me several times in the past two years that he only loved me the first year we were together. That’s very confusing when he always told me he loved me up until a few weeks ago. Thank you

    • It is normal for couples to be in love (infatuated with each other) in the first year of the relationship, when everything is new and the chemistry is high. So when he says he loved (still have infatuation for) you in the first year, that is probably true.

      If you want to know whether a person really love you, judge him by his actions rather than his words. Then it won’t be so confusing. The things he does to you is the true answer.

  9. Hello Mark

    Unfortunately the name of my bf is Marc too. Im not sure of what is really happening with us now.

    We’ve been in relationship for more than 3 years and now i dont know if he still loves me. Like what others said. He also blocked me in facebook and i cant contact him anymore. We’ve become cold because of me i guess. He never introduced me yet to his family because i was an ex seminarian, he said that his family is not yet ready about him being in a relationship. We are both 25 years old already and i thought that we are matured enough to be brave to tell them about our realtionship. I feel that he doesnt love me everytime i remember that and everytime he is strict on me. I also told him to brake up about 3 times because he is so possessive. He doesnt like me to be always with my friends.i already introduced him in and brought him in my house. He doesnt go to their house but he often come to my house. I know how he showed he doesnt like to leave me because everytime i brake him up, he travels for 4-5 hours just to fix our relationship.

    One day he ask me that he will have an outing with his officemates, i said its okay, but after 4 days he didnt even texted me , on the third day, i was trying to call him but no answer at all even he is online in skype and facebook. I got mad. So i sent him harsh words. I know its my fault but i just want to express my feelings. I just want to know where is he because i miss him a lot already. But he got mad at me. And dint show up.

    I though he’s going home for us to talk, but he said. “Nothing to talk about. So i traveled going to their office because i want us to talk. Im really hurt and i dont know what to do. When i went there i just said sorry. I cant say anything because i was still in trauma trying to find his house and waiting until morning infront of his house. He just told me he is confuse. He said he will go to our house because he promised to my mom the next day. So i went home again.

    When i arrived home, he was already there. He already talked to my mom, he said he love me and he complain about me. My mom asked us to talked. I cant say anything again, i just said im really sorry and i love him so much. He said, he forgave me already but he cant immediately bring back the same feelings he had on me. He promise that he will come back after 2 weeks. I waited but he didnt show up. Now i dont know what to do. I dont know if he still loves me. If not then, ill try my best to think of it so that i could have reason to move on. But he doesnt show up until now. Then , i checked his offismates fb, i saw a girl there, always with him. I’m really hurt again. What should i do now. I cant go to work, i cant eat, i cant sleep. Please help me. :(

    • The fact that he doesn’t introduce you to his family after 3 years of relationship is already a very big red flag. And a lot of the things you mentioned about him already shows that he doesn’t love you. He loves himself more.

      Look at his actions, not his words and you will be able to tell whether he loves you. Most probably, you already know the answer. It is just a matter of whether you are willing to accept the truth. The truth hurts but it can set you free.

      Let him go. If you continue staying in this relationship, it will just drain you. You deserve a man who respects you and can’t wait to show you to his friends and family.

      • Mark, i found out that he already told his parents about it and they dont have problem anymore. I feel guilty about my actions with him. We talked last night and he said he is confused. He said he want to let me go. I said no, because i did the same thing on him before. I tried to let him go but he did some efforts to fix our relationship. Im trying to do it now.

        Then i sent him my last message. That if he doesnt love me anymore then i will let him go. Is it still possible for us to be together again?

        • the next morning, he sent me message if I’m still awake. only that. I think my mistake is that I replied. I told him ” I just read your message. What is it? good morning” then he didn’t reply. Now I am applying the NC rule. what do you think he is thinking?

  10. Hi Mark,

    My boyfriend and I were in a serious relationship for 3 months before I left my hometown and further my studies in UK which is about 6000 miles away & 7-8 hours different from him which he already am aware of before we even got together. Initially, I was not up on the idea of being in a long distance relationship because I know it will be difficult it is to maintain this LDR but he convince me and said that this will work. Hence, that’s how we got together.

    After being apart from him for 3 weeks, he finally broke the news to me and said that he no longer feels committed in our relationship anymore as he felt that he could not be able to carry out his duty as my bf and be there for me and etc. I knew it was all a lie so when I finally got the real answer, it was the ugly truth about him being less attracted to me. He no longer feels like saying ‘I Miss You’ or ‘I Love You’ willingly and felt that he was oblige to do so when I told him that I miss him. Hence, he felt guilty and could no longer bear with that guilt and told me the truth.

    I know what we had for the past few months was real although everything escalated really fast because we knew that our time together will be limited. I’ve met his parents and friends and vice versa. We are really compatible in everything. The problem we are facing now is distance. I know that he is not seeing anyone at the moment but he has been really cold to me in a friendly way. He reply my messages and all but from an average of maybe 60 messages a day has now dropped to only 5-6 messages as he would take hours before he would reply me (he was busy with sports according to him & due to the time lapse, it’s understandable that he’ll be busy at certain times which Im not and vice versa)

    During the no contact period, he did message me but, our intimacy level dropped drastically. I can see that he’s just being friendly and nice now. Do you think he still loves me ??

    • Love will grow if the emotional connection is there. So it is not about whether he still loves you. It is more about whether you are willing to take the necessary steps to build the emotional connection so that love will grow again. For more information about how to build emotional connection, you can refer to this article.

  11. Hey Mark,

    I’m wondering if you can help me in my situation, me and my ex girlfriend have been together for about 8 years and have a 6 six year old son together but we broke up about 2 months ago because of pain she was holding on for 6 years because of what I did to her 6 years ago. I cheated and left her when she was pregnant with our child but I came back to her because I loved her so much and wanted to be with my child. Before we broke up 2 months ago and when we first started arguing about the situation she would say that she wanted space so she could miss me again but would never give me a clear answer of what kind of space she wanted. I didn’t know if she wanted to break up or not but it got to the point where I couldn’t handle it no more and I wanted to leave because it was hurting me as well to but right before I was going to leave, she told me she didn’t want me to leave that she wanted me stay and she was gonna try to forget the situation and try for our family, so I went with it. But the next couple of days, I felt scared that she might change her mind and her bad feelings might come back and leave me but it was bothering me because she was never able to forgive me. So the following weekend came and I decided to leave when she wasn’t home and packed a few things and left to my parents for the weekend and me thinking she was gonna realize I’m gone and finally forgive me. But the next day, I felt regret and tried coming back but she rejected me and had a lot of anger towards me and just told me to leave. So basically my “plan” backfired and since I knew I was gonna see her soon since she works for my dad still. Till now, the first couple of weeks I was desperate and needy trying to get her back but that wasn’t working obviously. But the following weeks, I stopped being needy but every time I saw her she would kiss me hug me and sometimes tell me she loves and also flirted with me and this would happen every time we saw each other at least twice a week. But eventually she started asking for child support even though she was being loveable to me still which was getting me upset and heartbroken and confused. I got fed up and starting doing limited no contact and within 2 weeks, she was calling me and texting me saying she misses my hugs and sending me sad pictures of her and actually wanted to go somewhere together with our son. I’m not sure if I did the right thing or not but I rejected her by telling her I didn’t know if it was such a good idea to do that and so I couldn’t go. And to be honest I rejected her because I was upset that she wouldn’t take me back even though she misses me and also I didn’t wanna get hurt by putting my hopes up. The following days, she would have attitude towards me and I just told her off to stop giving mix signals if she was really done with me because if that was the case, it wasn’t letting me heal and that’s what I was trying to do. Obviously, that wasn’t the right way to go but I couldn’t handle it. I was getting confused and hurt because she kept mentioning child support. The same day, I told her off. I saw her later and she acted normal like if the argument we just had never happen. So this happen last week Thursday and then Friday night she called me randomly, wondering where I was at and just being curious what I was up to, but this wasn’t the first time she does that. Saturday came and I wished her happy birthday and she replied saying “thank you so much means a lot to me” and I replied “it means a lot to me too hope you have a good one” and then she said I’m just gonna go to eat with my son and I just never replied to her at all. The following Tuesday came and I received a call from my son’s school and said that he didn’t go to school for 2 days which had me worried so I tried contacting my ex to see if everything was ok but I had no reply. So I called her mom to see if she was there and they said no they haven’t seen her for a couple days so I continued to contact my ex. I was really worried. Eventually she ends up texting me saying she left town and didn’t know when she was gonna be back because she said she was feeling lost lonely and also said she wishes that I never messed up on her. I replied saying I how I felt still and she said that we needed to talk in person one last time to figure this out because it was getting hard on her. I ended up calling her mom back to let her know that I was able to contact her and where she was at. The next day came, she came to my parents house when I wasn’t home and she called me from the house phone and started yelling at me saying because I told her mom where she was at and just told me to stay out of her life for good and never wanted to see me again. Eventually I got home and she was still there and again she was acting like if the argument we just had never happen. I tried talking to her nicely and ask her what was going on with her, what was going on through her mind about her feeling lost and about her telling me that she never wanted to see me again but an argument escalated from and she was so angry. I was trying my best not to get angry but she was so mad and started saying she was done with me and that she doesn’t care about me no more or even love me anymore. I’m so confused why she’s so mad ever since we broke up I’ve been respecting her decisions. I’ve been giving her space and I’m not being needy or desperate like she wanted. She acts like she misses me one day and then a couple days after she’s another person. Another thing I forgot to mention within these 2 months that we been broken up, she tells me she’s doing fine on her own but her room mates tell me that she is behind a lot of bills and also she tells her roommates that she is doing good too. Its almost like if she is trying to hide that she really can’t do it on her own. Me and her roommates came to the conclusion that she has too much pride to let people know she is miserable deep inside. I’m really confused. I want her back so badly but I’m not sure what’s going on in her head, she acts like she cares but then yesterday she was really mad and just told me she doesn’t love me no more and doesn’t wanna see no more but yet she still wants to work with my knowing that she has to come to the house and is gonna see me no matter what. Did she really meant what she told me or is it out of anger? Does she still love me? Is there a chance I could get back with her still? Am I too late to still get her back? Through all of this I’ve been trying to stay positive with her still the times that we argued she would start it not me. Is it wrong of me that I still have hope? I have hope because I feel like this isn’t her its almost like if something is blocking her real love for me, I know she loves me she wouldn’t stick with me for years if she didn’t love me. Also I didn’t cheat for no reason either I had my reasons but obviously that wasn’t the way to go. Please help me figure out whats going on in her head. Is there certain signs I missed that I should approach?

  12. Really great blog you have here Mark. I understand my boyfriend a lot better with your analogy on love and hate.
    Best of luck to you !

  13. Hi Mark.
    I really appreciate your honest and realistic articles. They are really positive and help me clear my mind of mind games.
    I have a little situation here. Please help me.

    My husband and I separated a month back. It was his idea to split. Its been a year since we got married. And there were a lot of disagreements and fights during that one year. Also we only knew each other for six months before we got married. So it was difficult for us to understand each other. And in a fit of anger he asked me to leave his house. I left. Since then we have not contacted each other. It was our first anniversary few days back and I called him but he never answered my calls.

    I got angry and I posted a few mean things indirectly pointing out towards our situation.
    Now two days back he unfriends me from Facebook and blocked me on whatsapp. Although at this time I had deleted those posts and had remained quiet. But he just suddenly removed me from facebook. I don’t understand what he is thinking of me. Today he communicated through his father that I may take my things back and settle for divorce. And they have told me to decide in few days and let them know.
    I don’t understand whether his father was serious or he is playing games to scare me. I tried calling him today but again no answer.
    Please tell me what you think of my situation and how much chance do I have of getting him back. I have gone crazy and tried taking help of several people on the internet. You are my last hope now. Please help me and tell me if you think my husband will come back to me. I really love him and he also loved me but recently I feel he fell out of love. What should I do? Move on or wait for him.

    • Most relationships can be saved. So I don’t suggest you give up without even trying. Waiting for him is also not the answer. Waiting and doing nothing is not going to help you save your relationship.

      The first thing you need to do in order to save your relationship is to get yourself in a healthy place emotionally. It is impossible to save your relationship if you are doing so from a place of anger, fear or hurt.

      For example, the post you made on FB. How do you think this kind of action is going to get him to open up? It will just make the situation worse.

      That is why it is so important to heal first before you even try to save your marriage. Otherwise, you will have the tendency to sabotage yourself.

      So right now, focus on healing first. I also recommend that you read this article.

  14. My case is a bit different my ex is still staying with me bt moving out soon,but now we make luv almost every day n he regret it after a while n he say he want to 4give me but cnt get pass de idea tht I slept with another man,n he say we will never be 2gether again pls help before I loose him for good,now he got a girlfriend tht he claim to luv so much its only a week togeter bt everday he come n make luve to me,is dere any chance tht I can still get him to change his mind.please help.I’m misarable without him.n when we tlk he understands bt after he changes.

  15. I broke up with my ex 7 month ago and he is my first and I was his.. the breakup was bad, complicated. Today he texted me saying “ I am not mad at u or hate u, I don’t hv any hard feeling at all, don’t want u to hv the wrong idea, we cool….” I was so happy at first cuz I tot he hated me, but he doesn’t so I tot it’s a gud thing. But after reading your blog I realized am wrong! This means he’s moved on, right?? He’s apathetic, right??? do u think I should give up and move me 2??

    • Don’t worry too much. There are a whole range of emotions. Just because he doesn’t hate you doesn’t necessary mean he is totally indifferent towards you.

  16. Hi Mark
    My ex broke up with me about a week ago saying he had been thinking for over a month now and that he does not love me anymore. He said he was confused as well and wanted to see if he could live without me. I recently contacted him and he told me the only way we would ever get back together is if we started fresh, but he is still open to other people not just me. Do you think he is right and does not love me anymore and that I should move on, or should I try, because I still love him and think it will work. When I text him he’s not that friendly, but I think he’s trying not to get my hopes up. Thanks

    • He is right when he says the only way you can get back together is to start afresh. In fact, I talked about it in this article. Just scroll all the way down to “The Number One Equation for Getting Your Ex Back”. In fact, I suggest that you read the entire article so that you can get a good idea of what I am talking about. The article is quite long, so be prepared to spend about 10 minutes to read it.

      If you still love him, then maybe you want to ask yourself a question. Will you regret if you give up without even trying? If yes, then I think it is worth giving your best shot.

      There are 5 stages of getting your ex back. He’s not that friendly because he is still in the stage 1, the wall of reactance. So that is normal. Don’t worry too much about it. If you have already subscribed to my newsletter, you will receive more information about the 5 stages of getting your ex back on Day 11.

      As long as you work on the skills mentioned in this article, it is possible for you to progress to stage 2 and beyond.

      You should also try to understand the difference between context and content. This video will explain the difference between context and content.

      So don’t worry too much about what he is saying to you now. It is simply based on his emotions at that time and emotions can change.

      When your ex told you he doesn’t love you anymore, it doesn’t mean he is no longer attracted to you. It simply means the attraction is blocked by negative emotions. The video here explained more about this phenomenon.

  17. Hi,
    My boyfriend and I split four days ago, and last talked 3 days ago. Now I know it is too early to contact him because I know it is still too early for the both of us.
    For background:
    We got into an argument, which honestly came from insecurity. Which at first, I got mad because he didn’t contact me all day (we are in a long distance relationship he is in the USA, I am in Canada). I don’t know why I got so angry, other than I was in a really bad mood. I know how he feels about me, and just the previous week he said he loved me, and we booked other tickets to see each other again. I know he wasn’t cheating on me. I just wanted attention.
    I realize this is stupid, and I did something completely inappropriate by calling him repeatedly to pick up. We have had arguments before, and I have never done this to him, or anyone actually. I have no idea what had overcome me.
    The next day (once he woke up), He obviously saw all the phone calls. He decided to break up with me. However, he said “You’re really amazing, and maybe if we lived closer together this could be something. But its clear to me that you have some insecurities that are going to stop this as is. I am not saying this is all your fault. I’m just saying, we are done. I don’t like how you blew up my phone. It is clear that we handle arguments differently.” I panicked, and apologized right away. Which clearly got me no where, because I was acting out of desperation. I asked for forgiveness. He said he did but he still thinks it’s for the best.
    The next day I asked to settle a few things. He asked settle what? I asked if he wanted his stuff back. He said no, it was okay. I could keep them since it was just articles of clothing. I also said I would give him an address to send a package I got from a friend (they sent it to his house for me since it’s cheaper to send USA to USA than USA to Canada), that he owed me money for the flights I booked recently to see him (One I just got back from on New Years, and one I am supposed to take Feb 26-29th). He paid for his half like we agreed willingly. He said hopefully I could still go to see my friends, since I went to college and still keep in touch with some of them where he lives. After some difficulty sending the money via PayPal, he quickly said he would give the package to my friend he works with and she can deal with it then said bye.
    I never responded back.

    I am unsure if I should contact him in a few weeks if he doesn’t contact me, apologize for my behaviour sincerely? Not asking to take me back, but just to talk face to face about the event that occurred. I was definitely at fault for my actions and they differently out of character.
    Or just contact him and not mention anything about what happened that night. Should I try and repair things before this trip, or just take the trip and see friends?

    Surely he hasn’t flipped a switch to not being interested at all in me anymore?

    • An apology alone is not going to help you get your ex back. He broke up with you and didn’t want to get back together not because you didn’t apologize. It is because he has this impression that you are someone who is insecure. This negative impression has blocked the emotional connections he had for you.

      So even if you spent all your time crafting the perfect apology, it is not going to help you get your ex back.

      The only way he will ever consider getting back together with you is if he can see the changes in you. And this is not going to happening overnight. It probably won’t happen in a few weeks time. In fact, it is probably going to take at least a few months, especially since this is a LDR.

      So it is very unlikely that you can simply just repair everything over a span of a few weeks. I know this is not what you want to hear but I think you need to hear the truth.

      You need to gradually build up your emotional connection with him again. This is going to take a lot of skills on your part. Read this article to find out what skills I am talking about. In the first place, mastering these skills is already going to take you at least a few weeks.

      So the main question for you is this. Are you willing to put in all these effort to get your ex back?

      Trip or no trip, see friends or don’t see friends, that is not going to make too much difference. The key lies in whether you have the skills to get him to open up. If you can’t even get him to open up to you, then you won’t be able to connect with him at an emotional level, which means he won’t desire to get back together with you.

      In other words, instead of asking how to get your ex back, you should ask yourself what kind of person do you need to become before he will want to get back together with you. It is only through asking the right questions that you will get the answers you are seeking for.

      I am not saying that you have to become a totally different person. I am talking more about the skills you need to develop in order to increase your chances of getting him back. These skills will help you not just in your relationship, but it various areas of your life.

      Specifically, you want to develop your awareness. As you mentioned, you don’t even know why you reacted on him and called him too many times. So this is definitely an area you want to work on. Read this article for more information.

  18. Hi Mark,

    My ex and I were dating for 5 years. Everything was good besides arguments we had at times. Towards the 4th year he began to push me away and I pushed myself away from him. I told him I wanted a break because my feelings were mixed up. During those two months he kept on looking for me and I would talk to him and see him. The only thing was I wouldn’t take him back. When I finally realized I did want to be with him he told me he wanted to break up. I looked for him for about a month. I begged him and said I was sorry thousands of times. But I stop because I asked him if he had love for me and he said “I would be lying if I said I still love you ..there is not love there anymore “. It really hurt me to hear that because how could he not love me when we were together for so long. What should I do ? Does he really not have any love for me?

    Thank you

    • It was just his emotions speaking to you. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

      He was chasing you for like 2 months and kept on getting rejected by you. Therefore, he must have felt very hurt. In order to prevent himself from getting hurt further, he decided to build a wall around his heart.

      So it is not because he doesn’t have any more love for you. It is just that his love is blocked by the wall.

      Also, don’t blame yourself. I know you were going through a tough time as well. Instead, focus on what you can do from today onwards in order to melt the wall around his heart. I suggest that you start by developing your relationship skills. You will need the skills to get your ex to open up to you again. Read this article for more information.

      If you are still worried about him not loving you anymore, hope this example can set your heart at ease.

      You are the best example! Still remember a few months ago, you wouldn’t take him back no matter what. But 2 months later, you changed your mind. If this can happen to you, it can happen to him as well.

      Remember, it is just the emotions speaking. Emotions can change over time and influence a person’s decision. It is not cast in stone. So don’t get discouraged simply because of what he said.

      • Thank you so much for your response ! He thinks I don’t love him for not taking him back when he looked for me those two months but I did. It’s been a week since we last spoke. Many tell me to leave him so that he could miss me and figure his feelings out. Do you think I should continue with the no contact or what do you suggest?

  19. I hope you can help. My Bf and I of 4 years just broke up. We broke up 2 weeks ago because he was going through a hard time in life and didn’t see a future of us together. I admit the last 1 year things got really rocky between us. We stopped communicating and he was trying to reach out a couple of times to tell me but there was no open communication so we didn’t have the chance to solve the problem. Our issue is we didn’t talk. Anyway, the whole break up was amicable with loads of crying and saying we both needed to work on ourselves if we can be together again. I did NC for 2 weeks and he texted me yesterday asking me how I was and wanted to meet for dinner this Monday. I kept the conversation short and told him I won’t be free till Sat. So we are meeting on Sat. I didn’t want to meet him so soon because is I didn’t know his intentions and I’m afraid I will crumble when I do meet him. (He doesn’t know that, just thinks I’m busy) point is he got all angry after that posting on social media and stuff. Now I’m contemplating to call him and tell him why I didn’t want to meet up or stick to NC and meet him on Sat but I’m scared he won’t turn up. What should I do? Hope you can help.

    • Let’s look at the big picture side of things. What do you really want?

      I am assuming that you do want to get back together with him. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting here.

      But do you just want to get back together with him and get back into the same old rocky relationship? Or do you prefer to change the relationship dynamics so that your relationship with him will be much better than before?

      The reason I am telling you this is because I want you have a realistic expectation.

      Obviously, there is no way for me to know what he is going to tell you on Saturday. Anything is possible.

      Maybe he will tell you that he doesn’t want to breakup and want to work on the relationship. I am not going to rule out that possibility.

      Maybe he will confirm his decision for breaking up, which I believe is what you are worried about.

      I just want you to understand that it is not necessary a bad thing. Don’t just look at the short term, like this Saturday.

      Learn to look at the long term perspective, the big picture so to speak.

      When you are able to look at the big picture, you will realize that this breakup is just temporary. In fact, it can be a catalyst to help you build a much better relationship with him.

      Chances are, if he has already decided to confirm the breakup with you, there is nothing you can do this Saturday to stop it from happening.

      So What Should You Do?

      Be prepared and be willing to accept whatever outcome. Just because you can’t stop the breakup on Saturday doesn’t mean you can’t get back together with him in the future.

      So if he wants to breakup with you, don’t try to resist it. Make the meeting as comfortable as possible for both of you so that at the very least, you are leaving the door open.

      As for whether you should call him or wait till Saturday, when you look at the big picture, it really doesn’t make a whole lot of difference. So don’t worry too much about it.

      If waiting till Saturday can help you get prepared, then just wait. You can always tell him the truth on Saturday and apologize. I am assuming that your ex boyfriend is a reasonable person and will understand what you are going through.

      As for him not turning up, I think you might be worrying too much?

      I am assuming on Friday, you will at least text him to confirm the meeting? Unless he has the habit of standing you up in the past, I don’t think this is something you need to worry about.

  20. My ex (29) and I (26) broke up after 1.5 years because he was angry at how I lied about keeping in touch with my previous ex-boyfriend (texting, occasionally meeting up but no physical infidelity). He knew all along because he was reading my messages/checking my phone, but kept silent about it because he didn’t want to fight with me. He finally broke up with me about a month ago when I discovered he’s been checking my stuff and confronted him. That’s when he just blew up. He said he still loves me but can’t be in a relationship with me because he can’t trust me anymore.

    The breakup was very nasty with him being angry, swearing/lashing out, and telling me to leave him alone. I begged and pleaded but he wouldn’t change his mind. He just said he needed time and space to heal from the pain, and that he might reconsider once his anger subsides/when he feels like he is ready to interact again (but said this is an “unlikely” scenario). He also told me to move on in the meantime and made me promise not to initiate any contact with him, i.e. if there is any communication, HE has to be the one to reach out first.

    This is my dilemma. I’m already in my 13th day of NC. My question is:

    1) If he doesn’t contact me after the 30 days is up, should I GO AGAINST what he asked me to do and reach out via text first? I fear this may upset him.
    2) There is no physical cheating involved. He is positive of this (since he read my messages) but he is angry about how I lied to him about keeping in touch with my ex. He said I have no credibility and that he has trouble believing in anything I say. Is this an impossible situation?

    Thank you for your help.

    • 30 is not a magic number. The question is, will you be emotionally ready to reach out to him in 30 days? I think that’s a more important question you have to ask yourself. Only reach out to him when you are emotionally ready, which will probably take more than 30 days. Your situation is definitely not impossible. There are people out there with situation worse than yours that managed to get back together.

  21. So me and my ex just recently broke up. We were dating for about 3 years. His reason for breaking up with me was because I was too mean. I’m not mean we were just arguing a lot because he started to turn cold. When we first started seeing each other I didn’t take him serious because I thought he was just gonna mess around. So I kinda treated it like we were friends with benefits. But I had like this other guy who hit me up from high school. He was like my dream crush so when he was messaging me I was really interested and started to pursue him. I didn’t think my ex would care because I thought we were kinda just like hook up buddies. So me and the guy from high school started dating and right when we did I let my ex know. He took it very hard and started to do a lot of drugs and almost died in two car accidents because of it. Through my whole relationship with the other guy I was still always there for my ex. As I started spending more time with my boyfriend from high school I realized I really didn’t like him and just wanted to be with my ex. So I ended up breaking up with him for my ex. We then were official and good for a while but the trust just wasn’t there. He didn’t believe anything I said even tho I was taking him serious. So eventually he became cold and broke up with me last week. We’ve talked on the phone like 3x and texted a little, him and me both share our location with find my friends but he hasn’t took me off since the break up. He is nothing but mean to me and tries to make me feel like he is moving on. I try to be nice and just be friendly but get shut down because I feel like he hates me. He says we are done but still follows my location and let’s me follow his like if we were still dating. I really love him and I feel like he still loves me too but I’m not sure. I want him back but I don’t know how to convince him that I am loyal. Do I have a chance on getting back with him or do I just have false hope?

    • Yes, the chance is definitely there. You just have to be patient and consistent.

      Let me give you an analogy to help you understand your situation better.

      Imagine a dog is being abused and abandoned and you wanted to save the dog. Initially, the dog is not going to trust you because it is scared.

      It will try to bite you whenever you go near. It will take several attempts before the dog will start to trust you and accept your help.

      You need to be patient and consistent.

      So the same situation applies to getting your ex back. Because of past negative experiences, your ex doesn’t trust you. He is hurt and there is fear inside of him.

      Even though you try to be nice, he is nasty to you, just like a scared dog will try to bite you because of the lack of trust. So if you want to gain your ex’s trust, don’t give up. You need to be patient and more importantly, consistent with your action. Don’t be discouraged by his coldness.

  22. Hi there, my bf and i happen to be in arguements and then ask each other for forgiveness. This time we go and visit at his place and i had prepare a nice Sunday meal on the 17/08/2016 with our baby we have. The Monday morning he told me that he is going late to work and kiss me and our baby as i left him in my place to sleep. That morning he packed his bags and left without any arguement. Ever since today he has never told me what his reason was for leaving and never bother to call or send me messages to ask how our baby is doing.

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