Does He Still Love Me?

If you’ve recently been dumped, or in some other unfortunate way found yourself suddenly without your man, your mind is probably full of scary questions. “Does he still love me? Can I still get him back?” You can spend all day on his Facebook page and be no closer to an answer.

Worse yet, you may think you’ve found clues that he definitely doesn’t still like you — it may seem as if he’s completely moved on, in fact, and left you far behind. Based on what he’s doing and how he’s acting, it can really seem like he’s found a hundred and one things more interesting than you.

This, of course, makes that breakup a thousand times harder. The pain you feel — the almost physical effects of emotional pain that seem to completely overwhelm you only gets worse when it seems like he’s just not experiencing any.

But does your ex-boyfriend really want you back? Determining the answer to this question is not possible to 100% accuracy, since even he probably doesn’t completely know, especially not at first. The signs that he might still be interested often read backwards: whatever it may seem like the answer is, it may very well be the exact opposite. Here’s a few ideas to get you started on the process.

 

Anger: The First Sign

Most people think that hate is the opposite of love, and if you’re talking about a kindergartener learning opposites, then sure, you might be right. But when it comes to relationships, hate is definitely not the opposite of love. In fact, they’re a lot closer than you might think. On the other hand, you may have been through emotional storms before, and know how quickly hate and love can transmute into one another, and how easily.

So what, then, you might be asking, is the opposite of love? And what does this all have to do with me?

answers

The opposite of love is apathy.

Think about it: if you really love someone, and they betray you deeply, you probably go straight to the other end of the spectrum and hate them, at least for a little while. If things go well, you may very well switch back to love again. But you don’t slide on a scale, loving them less and less until you don’t care about them, and then disliking them more and more until you hate them.

You switch instantly from one to the other. If asked, in that moment, why you hated that person so much, you’d answer “because I loved him so much, and he… [insert betrayal].” Because I loved him so much. That’s the key. It’s almost as if there are two components to any emotion: intensity, and type. It’s much easier to switch types of emotions than it is to switch intensities.

Going from love to apathy is actually a lot harder, and a lot rarer than switching from love to hate. And it’s a lot harder to go back from apathy to love. If he’s truly over you, he doesn’t hate you. He’s apathetic.

Now, what does this have to do with you? Well, it means that if he went from deeply loving you to acting like he hates you, that means that he has switched the category of emotion, not the intensity. And it also means that it’s much easier to switch back to the one you want him to feel: love.

So, if you find that your ex-boyfriend is extremely angry with you, and especially if you broke up while he was angry, he’s probably got some serious emotional baggage, some voices in his head telling him that leaving you was a really bad idea. They’re probably describing to him in great detail (as he goes about his day) how it felt to have you in his arms. How safe it was. How awesome it was.

Which brings us to Sign #2.

 

The No Contact Rule: The Second Sign

This is a hard one for many women to understand, and it can seem manipulative or conniving at first glance. But, in all likelihood, it is not. What’s going on here is that, since he’s broken up with you, and it’s probably going to be public knowledge at some point, his masculine training from early childhood says that he should be picking up and moving on, like a “real man” would. Now, this has nothing to do with the reality of how he’s feeling about the whole thing, but it’s important because it affects the way he’s going to seem to you right now.

Expect lots of Facebook updates and statuses about how super-fantastic everything in his life right now. You might see pictures of him with other women, or just with his buddies, having just a fantastic time. It can really seem like he never even knew you existed, but he’s trying to cover up—from you perhaps as much as himself—how he’s really feeling. There is still a part of him that wants to come back, most likely, but he’s not about to show that face to the world. Not right now, while he’s supposedly moving on from that relationship that he ended.

 

Partying Hard: The Third Sign

The third sign is related to the second, but it is slightly different, also. If it seems like he’s spending an awful lot of time partying, drinking, and maybe—it’s hard to hear, but be brave—flirting or sleeping with other women, that can be another sign that he’s trying hard to get over you, or at least to quell that part of him that’s telling him that he made a mistake ending things.

This is classic guy behavior, and it can be a big tell-tale that the façade of things being great that he’s desperately trying to keep up is not the whole story.

Stay on the lookout for these signs, as they are often the biggest signs that your boyfriend does want you back. Of course, every case is different, but this will give you at least a place to start.

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85 thoughts on “Does He Still Love Me?

  1. Hi Mark,

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for 1.5 years and he broke up with over 4 months ago. The split came as a complete surprise to me and took me a long time to accept and move forward from.
    He was extremely stressed from university for weeks prior to the breakup and our schedules clashed causing us to only see each other about once a week until his university exams were over (which was 3 weeks after out breakup). The break up wasn’t bad, there was no fighting or mean exchanges, he even said he would like to be friends in the future. There was minimal contact after the split and none in recent months.
    I am in a good place, I feel good I’m myself and was actually going to reach out to him this week just to see how he’s been doing, and possibly reconcile. But tonight I have found that he has just now unfriended me from fb and blocked me on Instagram, as well as blocking my family members as well. I don’t understand why he would do that now when it’s so unnecessary as we haven’t spoken in so long. I still have his family and friends on fb, so why would he all of a sudden remove me? I am quiet shocked and hurt by this as I still care about him and probably always will.

    I don’t understand why he would do it now when he was the one who ended things, and is not like I have been harassing him or anything. I have been told by friends that he isn’t seeing anyone new and even if he was it wouldn’t matter cause we are no longer together, so why now block me and my family while his family still have me on fb.

    Please help me Mark!

    • No, this is not the right time to reconcile. If you talk about getting back together way too early, you may end up pushing him away. You have to understand that just because you feel good doesn’t mean he feels good as well.

      I can see that you have signed up for my newsletter. Just wait till day 11 and you should receive an email about the 5 phases of saving a relationship. Once you gone through the material, you will understand why you shouldn’t try to reconcile now. You should only do so if you have reached phase 5.

      As for why he is doing what he is doing, don’t worry too much about that. He is just acting out of his emotions. Just like you, he has emotions. Let his emotions settle first. Meanwhile, you may want to work on the skills I mentioned in this article.

      • Thank you Mark, I will take some more time to work on myself and give hint the space he wants and try to reach out in the near future when i feel i am ready. I still love him and a part of me probably always will, i believe what we had was and is worth fighting for!
        Thank you for your advice.

  2. Hi Mark,
    I hope you can give me an insight into what I’m going through. When my marriage of eleven years ended, I suffered terribly and reached out to many people for their friendship and advice. This is where I met this guy, I had no intentions of anything because I was still traumatised from the loss of my marriage. But he pursued me, knowing I was not ready, but he said he would wait for me. He was so sweet, and would contact me everyday. We decide to start a relationship, although it was silly of me because I hadn’t had my “alone” time. Many times, I would push him away saying I needed space, but he would maintain contact, and eventually, we would start again. After awhile, I let my guard down and let him in, I fell in love.
    Now with him, his ex is making his life quite difficult, not letting him see his kids, ruining him financially, he has to live with his parents because she won’t move out of his house (which she is taking him to court for even though he owns it). Recently, things have gotten really nasty on his ex’s side, and he started to retreat from me. We talked through things and stuck together, but he recently sent me a text saying we’re over because he can’t handle everything that’s going on in his life. Then two minutes later, sent another one asking to catch up soon to talk. I mean, wtf??
    He told me he loved me and wanted a future with me (this was while we were dating)!! Was it all just a lie?
    Anyway, I sent him back a message saying we can’t be friends and he’s lost me, I’m going to move on and make room for someone new who will appreciate me. I haven’t heard from him since. That was two days ago. I’m going to maintain the no contact rule. I’m so angry and hurt. How could I be so stupid to let someone in again? He promised he would look after my heart, especially what I had been through with the loss of my marriage. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost

    • Empathy.

      When you were going through a hard time after your marriage ended, you wanted someone to be there for you.

      He was there for you.

      He is going through a very hard time right now.

      Are you willing to be there for him?

      Men have the tendency to withdraw when they are going through a very tough time.

      So you have 2 choices here.

      1. Cut him off so that you can make room for someone new. If you choose this option, obviously you won’t be able to get him back.

      2. Show empathy. Let him go so that he can focus on his problems for the time being and once he has settled his problems, allow him to come back.

      There is no right or wrong choice here. It depends on what you want.

      If you can’t show empathy, that’s probably because you are still holding on to the hurt and anger from your previous marriage. If that is the case, then you need to take responsibility for your own healing.

      Relationship is about give and take. You need to heal first before you have the capacity to give more and show empathy.

  3. My ex used to tell me that he loves me more then anything and wanted me to be in his life forever. But he just left without a trace and even not trying to contact me either. If he truly loved me, then why did he left? He said that only I understood him and cared for him. I am the only good that have ever happened in his life then why did he leave me?

    • I can’t give you a constructive answer without knowing more details about your relationship.

      Like how long have you been together? How did you meet him? Is this a long distance relationship? What was the nature of your relationship? Did you notice anything unusual before he left?

      Also, what do you think you have done that lead to the breakup? I am not saying that the breakup is your fault because both parties are responsible. I am just trying to get you to reflect on yourself and maybe you can gain some insight by doing so.

  4. My ex is not doing any of these things. Isn’t partying. Is in complete no contact which was my choice. I know he will reply to every text and call. Isn’t adding women on Facebook. No sign of any change. He isn’t a party guy. I can’t see any sign. What should I make of that?

    • Don’t worry too much about the signs.

      Many people panic when their ex does all sort of wild stuff like partying, dating around and posting all sort of status on Facebook. My intention for this article is simply to help these people put their heart at ease.

      That doesn’t mean you should worry if your ex is not doing these things. Don’t waste your time looking for signs. It is not going to help you get your ex back. All it does is to take you out of the present moment.

      You should focus on improving your emotional connection with your ex instead. Read this article for more information.

  5. Hi Mark!,

    You’re very insightful, and this website has really lifted my spirits. I love how it doesn’t focus on manipulative tactics and instead focuses on changing the self for the better. But, I digress.

    So, I have a question: what if he doesn’t express apathy or anger? I noticed a bit of annoyance when I asked him about our future a couple days after (yeah, that was a mistake. I’m giving him the space he has asked for now.), but very little anger. In fact, the day of the breakup he told me he cared about me very much and that he didn’t hate me. He also cried and admitted to crying several days later (I didn’t even ask if he did). He initiated no contact right away because he is ‘afraid he will fall back into the relationship’. If he seems to go from sad to acting normal (we are in school together and currently don’t talk), is that a good sign for me, or is he truly intending to move on? He told me a romantic relationship with me might be possible in the future…

    We dated for nearly 2 years, and he had every intention of ‘growing old with me’ because he finds me to be the only one for him, and him for I. He was very serious about us.

    We broke up suddenly due to a fight the day prior, and because my insecurities had started to affect how I would act during any sort of disagreement. Our relationship started to fall away a bit for a couple months, but he always reassured me that he would never leave because his love for me is eternal. I’m getting help for those issues now, because regardless of what happens, being insecure to that degree isn’t healthy. When I got upset, I was rude and I would shun him and act mean, or panicked. It wasn’t something I could control, though, but rather it was anxious and irrational behavior.

    That aside, what do you think I should do? He said he will reach out to me when he is ready and also suggested being friends. I’m respecting his wishes, but I’m afraid that during this period of no contact he is erasing his feelings for me…

    Thank you for your insight!

  6. My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Before and while we were together his exgirfriend would send him occasional emails. He would at times tell me about it and sometimes he would reply. I guess no big deal, but I’d did bother me. After he broke with me, he still wanted to hang out and have sex with me. I did it for a while, then he had one day where he clearly was going through whatever he was going through and said to me, angrily, that I was not getting the message that we were through and broke up with me again. I spent 30 days with no contact. He emailed me and apologized for his last breakup with me. Now, during this no contact period, I realized that he defriended me on Facebook and friended this ex-girlfriend. He also went to go see her two days after our last brutal breakup. I’m not sure why I responded to his email but this lead into us talking again. Since we opened our communication again he has expressed he does not want to get back together, tells me loves me, tells me he missed me. After 3 months of talking, he is back in the state and had made it possible to spend every possible moment with me. I’m moving in a couple of weeks and he wants to go with me to my new home and check out the area. I’m confused. I’m just going to stop here and state the facts:
    He does not want me back.
    He keeps telling me that he loves me even tho I’ve stopped saying it to him.
    He is following his ex on social media and does not want to be my friend on any social media.

    What does this guy want?

    • What do you want? That’s more important. If you are absolutely clear about what you want, then the situation becomes a lot less complicated.

      Most probably, you want him back. Otherwise, you won’t be posting here. If that is the case, then don’t get distracted by him. He is simply confused. You don’t have to be confused together with him.

      Just focus on the emotional connection. When the emotional connection is strong enough, he will start to consider getting back together with you again. You can sign up for my newsletter. On Day 11, you will receive information about 5 stages of getting your ex back.

      Currently, you are somewhere in Stage 3. During stage 3, it is very normal for your ex to exhibit hot and cold behavior. So don’t be thrown off by that. Sign up for my newsletter and educate yourself so that you know how to handle this situation.

  7. My ex and I broke about about a month ago. We had a short relationship, about 4 months. When we first met I was separated and waiting on the finalization of a divorce. I hadn’t been actively looking to date but did want to. I wanted the finalization of my divorce to happen to make it feel like I could have a real relationship. I felt funny being separated and dating. Anyway friends set us up and we got along really well.

    He understood my situation and it didn’t bother him. He cared and loved me enough that I was what he wanted and worth the “baggage” I had. He liked me a lot and I had a big guard up due to being scared of being hurt again and wanting the goal of marriage but never to be divorced again.

    We did become a couple and things changed. At the time I had a lot of things going on with the divorce becoming final and then work being done on my house and going through a refinance of my house, a lot of stress to say the least. I didn’t have time for my boyfriend and instead of talking to him about it pushed him away. We then both decided to break up, that we were better as friends. At first it was fine and I was okay with it. We still talked all the time and hung out here and there for the first month. During that time all the stress that were happening in the beginning of our relationship had settled out and complete. I felt like I had weight off my shoulder and I was starting to see my ex in a new light. We both thought we should date other people during this time and were supportive to each other.

    Now my ex has moved on and I want our relationship back. I only feel like I got to give a fair chance in us and he now feels that I took him for granted. He wants to see where things go with his new girl and it breaks my heart. He cared so much more for me and now when I’m ready to try at this relationship, he doesn’t want me and is able to ignore me. I really want him back and to give our relationship a try without my guard up but I’m so scared that I hurt him that he won’t let that happen. I told him that I cared enough about him that I would give him this time that he needed but it’s so hard. I miss him so much and want to restart our relationship. I think that he is a great guy for me that compliments me for the future. Do you think there is any hope in him coming back into this with me?

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