Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work For Everyone

The no contact rule has been overhyped by many relationship websites. It makes people think that no contact is the magic pill that will help everyone get their ex back regardless of the situation.

Unfortunately, nothing is further from the truth. If one person in the relationship has already decided to move on for good, no amount of no contact is going to work.

It doesn’t matter whether one implement n.c. for 30 days, 60 days or even 90 days. It is not going to work for a dysfunctional relationship whether you try it the first, second or even the third time.

 

Why Does The No Contact Rule Work For Some People?

You have probably heard of people saying things like, “No Contact Worked For Me!” Therefore, they assume that no contact is going to work for everyone.

But you need to understand that every relationship is different. Just because the no contact rule is working for some people doesn’t mean it is going to work for everyone.

 

Here is why no contact works for some people:

Consider a couple who have decided to break up. They are feeling all kinds of emotions, anger and hurt. Then they went into no contact mode for an extended period of time.

This allows them to heal their emotions, anger and hurt. Because of the time apart, they have enough time to think about their relationship and realize how much they miss each other and how much they still love one another.

Therefore, they decided to get back together and work on the relationship again. That is why the no contact rule is so effective for them.

 

Why The No Contact Rule Is Not Working For Others?

Consider the above example again. As mentioned above, time apart can help people see things more clearly.

So the no contact has helped them realize that they are not compatible with each other and the relationship is not going to work. They realize that it is probably better to move on.

In this scenario, the no contact rule clearly doesn’t work.

In other words, cutting off contact with your ex can go either way. Either you get your ex back or your don’t. It depends on the situation.

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The No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

I decided to write this article to give you more information, specifically what are the positive and negative consequences of using the no contact rule on your ex. After all, I want to help you make an informed decision.

After seeing so many dangerous, and often silly advice when it comes to using the “no contact rule” , I think it is important for you to see a more complete picture.

 

So What Exactly Is The No Contact Rule?

I am assuming that this is not the first article you have read about the no contact rule. So you are probably quite familiar with this term. But for the benefit of those who don’t, here is what it means.

According to many “relationship experts” on the internet, the no contact rule (also known as N.C.) simply means cutting off all contact with your ex for at least 30 days. In a nutshell, it means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no Facebook messages and no meetups.

There are a few exceptions when total NC is impossible.

a. You have kids with your ex.

b. Both of you are living in the same place.

c. You are colleagues, classmates or simply attending the same college.

d. You have important stuff at your ex home and you need to retrieve it or vice versa.

For these special situations, the general recommendation is to keep in limited contact. Basically, what it means is that you shouldn’t be nasty and totally ignore your ex. Just be polite but don’t go into deep conversation or talk about your break up.

Some “relationship experts” even try to take it further. They say that you should not reply your ex if they contact you first within the 30 days period. And that is where things become ridiculous.

If you really take this approach of completely ignoring your ex, it can permanently damage your relationship. (I will talk more about this below, under the consequences section.)

 

Am I Against The No Contact Rule?

If you have read this far, you are probably thinking that I disagree with NC.

Let’s make this clear!

I am not against NC. In fact, I believe that NC, when used correctly, with the right mindset, is the most important step to healing yourself or even getting your ex back.

Here is what I am against.

I am against Manipulation, Playing Mind Games and Dirty Psychological Tactics!

 

The Principle Of Relationship Will Never Change!

I am only thirty one this year. I don’t have years of wisdom to impart to you. And I certainly don’t consider myself to be a relationship expert or guru.

But there is no need to be a relationship guru or wise old man or woman to understand that relationship is not about playing games or silly manipulation.

The way we communicate can change based on existing technologies. But the principle of relationship will never change! It is based on love!

So if some “relationship experts” are teaching you to play manipulative mind games in order to get your ex back, think again! If your intuition is telling you that this is the wrong thing to do and is not going to work for your relationship, you are probably right.

 

The Right And Wrong Way To Use No Contact

Before we go into the consequences, it is important to talk about the right and wrong way to use No Contact.

After all, if you use no contact the right way, you are more likely to experience positive consequences.

If you use no contact the wrong way, you are more likely to experience negative consequences.

 

The Right Way

The right way to use no contact is to focus on yourself. It is all about healing yourself. It is all about giving yourself the time and space to recover from a breakup.

Not just that. It is also a time for personal development, especially the internal aspect like what I discussed in this article.

 

The Wrong Way

If you are trying to use no contact to elicit a response from your boyfriend, such as making him miss you, or making him afraid to lose you, you are doing it wrong.

In fact, I have written an article about why you should not use the no contact rule to make your ex miss you. I encourage you to read this article if you want to avoid unnecessary sufferings.

 

What Is The Difference Between The Right and Wrong Way?

The main difference is your mindset. And that is huge!

It is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or suffer throughout the period of no contact.

For example, if you often find yourself saying “No contact is so hard! It is killing me!”, then you are probably using it the wrong way.

When you are focusing on getting your ex boyfriend to miss you, your mind will keep on thinking about your ex boyfriend. You will keep on wondering whether your ex boyfriend is missing you but you don’t know the answer.

It is going to become a guessing game. This is going to be a mental torture for you, which is not the purpose of no contact in the first place. It is supposed to help you heal and feel better about yourself.

 

Don’t Use The Word “Rule” On “No Contact”

To be frank, I don’t really like to use the word “rule” with “no contact”.

Since when did no contact become a rule? Who invented it?

 

“Rule” Makes Things More Complicated Than It Needs To Be

Usually, having a set of rules do help to keep things simple. For example, we follow traffic rules to make sure we are safe on the road. In this case, traffic rules are necessary to keep the roads in order.

However, it doesn’t make sense to have a rule for no contact. Every relationship is unique and you just can’t impose a rule on a relationship.

Typically, most relationship experts recommend at least 30 days of no contact. As if this is not confusing enough, some experts even decided to throw in different numbers such as 21, 31, 45, 60 or even 90 days.

No wonder so many people are confused about no contact.

One rule is already making things more complicated. With so many different rules, things become more complicated than ever.

No contact is suppose to be a very simple concept. After a breakup, you feel emotional. You are upset and you can’t think clearly. The best way to recover and heal yourself is through no contact.

Once you truly feel better, you can consider contacting your ex, even if it happens to be the 19th day.
This is based more on how you feel rather than the number of days. Don’t get bogged down by those artificial numbers.

 

“Rule” Makes People Play All Kinds Of Mind Games

The way most experts teach no contact rule is based on playing games. Basically, to get your boyfriend to panic or to get him to start missing you.

That is probably where the rule and all the artificial numbers come into place. “Don’t contact him for 30 days and he will come crawling to you, begging you to take him back.” Sounds familiar?

If you are not playing this type of mind games, you don’t have to follow any rules. You simply allow yourself to heal and once you feel ready to face your boyfriend again, you can contact him if you still hope to get back together with him.

 

“Rule” Makes People Nervous

Attaching the word “rule” to no contact makes a lot of people nervous. I see so many people afraid of breaking the no contact rule.

Here are some common responses I see on the internet.

“Please help! My boyfriend text me yesterday! Should I reply now? Am I breaking the no contact rule if I reply? Should I reply him after the no contact?”

“I think I broke the no contact rule by talking to him yesterday! Should I restart the no contact rule again?”

As mentioned, you cannot impose a rule on a relationship. Every relationship is different. Just because you follow the rule and ignore your ex for a full 30 days will not guarantee that you will get him back. In fact, if you actually follow the rule, ignore him and don’t reply back, it can backfire.

 

The Consequences Of Using The No Contact Rule

As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, everything you do in life has a consequence. This includes the use of the no contact rule to get your boyfriend back.

Obviously, the consequences are either positive or negative.

Right now, you may think that getting your boyfriend back is positive while not getting him back is negative.

Well, it is not as simple as that. Getting your boyfriend back is not necessary a good thing. Not getting him back is not necessary a bad thing either.

For now, let’s try to keep things as simple as possible. In general, there are four possible scenarios that can result from the use of NC. Two are positives and two are negatives.

 

Here are the 4 possible scenarios:

 

1. You got your boyfriend back and you are happy. (positive)

You are using the no contact rule the right way. You are just trying to heal yourself. You are not using the no contact rule to play games with your ex. You are not using NC to make your ex miss you.

After some time, you feel so much happier. You have a clearer mind. You followed a proper plan to get your ex back without playing games and manipulation. With a happier and clearer mind, you put yourself in the right position to work on the root cause of your break up.

As a result, your relationship with your boyfriend improved. Both of you are back together and you are happy.

 

2. You didn’t get your boyfriend back but you are still happy. (positive)

Just like scenario 1, you are not trying to play game with the no contact rule. You are just trying to make yourself feel better. After a few weeks, with a clearer mind, you realized that you can be happy by yourself.

Although you didn’t get your boyfriend back, you are still happy because you realized that you don’t need him after all. You don’t even want to get back together anymore.

 

3. You got your boyfriend back but you are not happy. (negative)

Chances are you are using NC as a manipulation tactic, hoping that he will start to miss you. It works in the short run. You and your boyfriend did get back together.

However, you did not deal with the root cause of the break up. If that is the case, it is only a matter of time before the same issues arise again. As a result, the break up may happen again. That is probably why there are so many couples who are breaking up and getting back together again and again.

 

4. You didn’t get your boyfriend back and you are not happy. (negative)

This can happen if you take the no contact rule too far. Perhaps your boyfriend contacted you within the first 30 days of the no contact period.

Because some “relationship experts” say that you should ignore your ex during the first 30 days, even if they contacted you first, you decided not to reply your ex.

As a result, your ex has the impression that you have moved on and decided to give up on this relationship. Or your ex may think that you are playing games with him and feels angry. Now, he doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore.

Or maybe he decided to use no contact on you as well. Now, both of you are playing games with each other. How long will this game last? Well, who knows?

Can you see the danger of playing the no contact game now?

 

How To Get Positive Results And Avoid Negative Ones

As mentioned above, there are 2 positive scenarios and 2 negative ones. In general, the correct use of NC are more likely to bring you positive results. The wrong use of NC such as trying to play games or manipulating your ex will often bring negative results.

 

The Only Reason To Use No Contact

Many “relationship experts” recommend the use of no contact because it is a great way to make your ex miss you.

While it is possible that your ex may start missing you during the no contact period, this should never be your primary reason for using NC.

NC should only be used as a tool for healing and improving yourself. It is meant to give yourself the time to calm down. It is meant to give you the opportunity to reflect on your relationship. It is meant for you to work on yourself.

After all, you can’t get your ex back when you are too emotional. NC gives you the mental clarity to deal with the problems in your relationship. With mental clarity, you are more likely to make better decision.

 

Updates:

I first wrote this article more than 2 years ago. Over this period of time, I have encountered many interesting questions about the no contact rule.

So I think now is probably a good time for me to update this article by answering a few of these questions.

I do intend to update this article with more questions over time. Let’s start with three for now.

If you have any questions that are specifically related to the no contact rule, that are not already answered in this article, feel free to leave your questions in the comment below.

 

Q: Who Should Break The No Contact Rule – Dumper or Dumpee?

A: It doesn’t matter whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. If you are the one who wants your ex back, you have to be the one taking the initiative to contact your ex.

Ultimately, if no one takes the initiative to reach out first, then you can forget about getting back together.

I know some people may not like this answer, especially for the dumpees.

Why should I reach out first? He was the one who dumped me!

Well, if this is your reaction, then I need to ask you:

Pride more important or relationship more important?

In fact, if you are still feeling anger over your breakup, then you are not ready to save your relationship.

Maybe you shouldn’t reach out to your ex yet.

Also, worth mentioning are the labels “dumper” and “dumpee”.

How do these labels make you feel?

When you label your ex as a dumper, does that help you understand your ex more?

Does it inspire you to use empathy on your ex? Or does it cause you to see your ex as someone who is a “jerk”?

When you label yourself as the “dumpee”, does it empower you? Or makes you feel powerless like a victim?

If not for the sake of answering this question, I wouldn’t want to use these labels. I suggest you drop them too.

 

Q: Does No Contact Work On A Stubborn Ex?

A: Once again, don’t you think “stubborn” is another label?

If you see your ex as stubborn, how do you think that is going to affect the way you communicate with your ex?

Don’t you think that will become a self fulfilling prophecy?

You see, usually when people say their ex is stubborn, it is usually because they are frustrated. They just couldn’t get through to their ex.

Maybe it is more constructive to look at yourself?

Are you trying to force your will onto your ex?

Did you put yourself in the shoes of your ex?

How about changing the way you communicate with your ex so that you can finally get through to them.

Maybe it is time for you to upgrade your communication skills?

Put it this way. If you keep on using the same old methods that don’t work, don’t you think you are more stubborn than your ex?

I don’t know about you but I think this is certainly something worth reflecting on.

 

Q: How Does The No Contact Rule Work On A Scorpio Man?

A: This is a very interesting question.

You have to understand that getting your ex back is not about saving the old relationship. It is about creating a new and better relationship with your ex.

It is about rediscovering each other all over again. If you are doing it right, you will probably discover new things you never knew about your ex.

So in my opinion, I don’t think labeling your ex as “Scorpio” is a very constructive approach. When you see your ex as a Scorpio man, you already have a preconceived notion of who he is, which may not necessary be true.

You stopped being curious about who your ex really is and you will lose the opportunity to learn more about him.

After all, you can put 10 Scorpio men in a single room. I am pretty sure each of them will have their own unique personality, different likes and dislikes etc.

Obviously, my answer will be the same for other astrological signs, whether it is Capricorn, Gemini or Sagittarius.

I am Sagittarius by the way and I do have other Sagittarius friends who are completely different from me.

So don’t spend too much time on astrology. It will be more practical if you focus on developing your relationship skills.

If you like the information I share with you in this article, sign up for my newsletter below to get even better information to help you get your ex back.

229 thoughts on “Does The No Contact Rule Work?

  1. Mark
    What you are saying about NC makes a lot of sense. My bf broke up with me about a week ago. We were together for 1.5 years and in the last 6 months we fought a lot. It was an amicable split but I still love him. 2 questions:
    – I’m due to have a minor operation next Monday which he’d agreed to help me with – take me there and take me home. Should I still accept his help. It hurts me to see him as all signs from him indicate that the break is final.
    – his birthday is Dec 24. I’ve already bought presents for him. Should I give them to him or at least wish him Happy Birthday?
    I would really appreciate your advice as I’m in torment not knowing what to do with these two issues. Thanks so much in advance.

    • Looking at the grand scheme of things, I don’t see how accepting his help or giving him the birthday present will affect your chances of getting your boyfriend back.

      Maybe you have heard of the 80/20 principle. Basically, 20% of the things you do is going to get you 80% of the results.

      Saving a relationship is the same. Whether you accept his help or give him the presents, it is not going to make a big difference. So I wouldn’t worry too much about it. You can accept his help and give him the present.

  2. I agree with this article. I had a family member who decided to use nc with her ex. Because he told her he needed space. So she gave him what he ask for. She decided 30 days was a great solution. Well when she finally called her ex back,he replied “wrong number”. He even further extended to
    congratulate her on her new man. She later realize she made a mistake. But the damage was already done. So now here you have a relationship that may have had potential of the two gettimg back together, at one point, but no longer have those possibilities because of n/c.

    relationship. I think anyone in a serious relationship, should never give that much of space without some contact. Unless they are moving on with there life.

  3. I am about a 2 weeks or actually only 8 days into no contact because I had to talk to him while picking up my things. I live near my ex and his mom stopped on the side of the road to “make sure I was okay” and talked to me while I was taking a walk with a male friend. Was that against the no contact? Do I have to start over? Thank you.

    • Don’t worry too much about the rule. The important thing is your emotional state. Are you in control of your emotions? If you still get very emotional when you see him, then you are probably not ready get him back.

  4. Hi Mark, it’s Tyler from a while back.

    I retrieved my stuff from her 2 weeks ago, we gave each other a hug and she asked me if it was sour, I said it will never be sour. I then left, exchanged a smile and we both said see you soon.
    I haven’t spoken to her in 2 weeks, I thought I was doing alright, but I really miss her and want to talk to her. I wouldn’t know what to say to her anyway, although I am trying to make positive changes in my life.
    I just get the feeling she’s moved on, and doesn’t need me.

    How should I go about this, I feel like I have shown her the a lot of respect by not contacting her, but I really miss her.

    Is there still a chance?

    Tyler

    • Hi Tyler,

      No contact is not a magic pill. Put it this way, no contact is helpful in reducing the “intensity” she feels towards you but it doesn’t change her “perception” of you.

      (Intensity: Any negative emotions such as anger)
      (Perception: How she sees you depending on the cause of breakup,
      e.g. “he used to neglect me and take me for granted”
      “he was needy”
      “we always argue”)

      Let me give you an analogy here.

      Let say you own a restaurant and you serve tasty food. So you have this regular customer, let’s call her Jenny.

      For some reasons, the quality of your food is dropping day by day. Jenny is still patronizing you but she is getting upset that her favorite restaurant is on the decline.

      Then one day, you started serving rotten food. And that’s it! Jenny can’t take it anymore. As much as she feels attached to her favorite restaurant, there is no way she is going to force herself to eat rotten food.

      She is extremely angry (high intensity) with you, the restaurant owner. Now, she sees (perception) you as someone who serves rotten food. She decided to stay away from you (no contact).

      So after 30 days of staying away (no contact) from the restaurant, what is the situation?

      Well, she is no longer so angry (lower intensity) but she still sees you as someone who serves rotten food. Her perception of you has not changed.

      No contact is only helpful in lowering her intensity. To get her back as a customer is not going to be an easy task. You need to change her perception of the restaurant too.

      Obviously, you need to start serving good food again before she will even consider coming back. (Translation: You need change for the better, must be lasting changes)

      Even that is not enough because the trust is already lost.

      That is why you want her to at least pass by your restaurant regularly, so that she can smell the aroma of your improved recipe. (Translation: At least keep in touch with her so that when you have become a better person, at least she is aware of it.)

      After a few months, if she keeps on smelling the wonderful aroma, she may decide to patronize the restaurant again. (Translation: With enough time, you get to demonstrate to her that your change is lasting, she will then consider getting back together with you).

      By the way, no offense here. Not saying that you are serving rotten food. I am just using this analogy to help you see the situation you are in.

      When someone is hesitant to take back an ex, it is because she doesn’t want to go through the same thing again.

      So you really need to work on yourself before you can stand a chance to get her back. She needs to see that this time round, it will be different.

      If you need more support to get your ex back, you can take a look at my recommended resource page. I believe it can help you.

  5. Hey Mark,
    So I started dating my ex around early june we broke up around late september because he said he didnt want to be in a relationship later on he told me he felt like it both me and him are the reasons why we shouldn’t be together such as previous fights and supposed things I have said. But even after the breakup I still went to his house almost everyday. I would sleepover often and then recently around late October I brought up the possibility of us being together again we tried to work on it and around early December he confirms he doesnt want to be with me anymore. I told him thats fine and left his house two days later he calls me to see how I’m doing since then we’ve been hanging out once or twice every week or two I just want to either have that friendship with him back to where I sleepover often again because I feel like I might have scared him away or the possibility of us being together away but often bringing it up or I want to be with him again. Any advice? Should I started the nc rule or should I talk to him about how I feel and what I want out of this? Also he never brings up me sleeping over anymore and he hasn’t texted me in a week.

    • This is not a good time to talk about how you feel or what you want out of this. It will just push him further away. You will have a better chance to get him back if you cultivate the skills I am going to talk about in my new article. You can check back again around 1 Jan 2015. Hopefully, the article will be done by then.

    • Great question!

      You can’t control another person. But you can control yourself.

      I think my new article will be very relevant to your situation and will show you exactly what you need to focus on during no contact. See details here.

  6. My boyfriend wasn’t loyal when we first started dating over a year ago . I asked him for his password and he wouldn’t give it. I got fustrated and told him that I wanted to hit him . Then I slapped my boyfriend and he dumped me . I slapped him because he was yelling in my face “**** hit me **** do it you *****” and I did it . He tells me he misses me and calls me pookie , told me I’m beautiful , hugs me ALOT , asked if I was texting boys , but then told me we are never getting back together . But he told me he got me a necklace for Christmas ? What does this mean ?And how do I get him back ?

    • Not loyal means he is cheating on you? If that is the case, are you sure you want him back? Maybe you want to read this article first, especially the part on chemistry. Should I Get My Ex Boyfriend Back?

      Also, think long term. I am assuming that you do want to be happily married eventually. Do you think this is the guy you can rely on for the rest of your life?

  7. Hi Mark, I agree with you. When I was searching for ways to get a second chance with my ex girlfriend, I crossed paths with this method almost every time. I was always afraid that there could be a downside to this method but it was never addressed until I read your page. My ex and I had a connection. I really believe she is the one I am meant to be with. We had arguments and differences but nothing as bad as what I think destroyed us. We dated for a little over a year and during that time I had become overwhelmed with crippling anxiety. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t go any places with her or our friends, I avoided our vacations and holidays with her family. She started to dislike me because of this trait but stuck around for a while anyway in hopes I could tackle my issues and resolve them to save our relationship. Family is the biggest thing to her and she was (is) under the impression it doesn’t mean as much to me because of my lack of effort to change myself. We lived together and during a bad argument one night I told her to leave and I have no idea why. The next day she had moved out. She stayed in contact with me for about a month while trying to give me a chance to change myself. It was only when I finally lost her that I made the choice to better myself by any means necessary. During this time, I focused on my issues and how to resolve them to be a better partner. We remained in contact but I still didn’t fix myself enough to attend a thanksgiving dinner during that month. I believe that is when she lost faith in me and gave up on us. A week or so later, she is talking to a new guy and spending every minute with him. He gets invited to and attends her family’s Christmas dinner. When I see this over social media, I collapse. I begged and pleaded and wondered why this was happening to us. I texted her non stop, angry messages, sad messages, anything to get an answer. As this happened she slowly started not responding to my texts because lets face it, I was acting so desperate and it most likely pushed her more away. A few days ago, I sent her my last text. It was a few days after one of my desperate ones but basically I said that I was sorry for acting the way I have been over the past couple days and that I understand why she left me (and I do). I told her that I want her to be happy and that I am ready to be happy as well. I told her to find happiness in herself and maybe she will find me there when she does and maybe then we can try to have the relationship that I know we are capable of having. She didn’t respond to my text message. A few days after that message, she emails me a long few paragraphs claiming she feels she owes me an explanation. She states that she wants to make sure I understand what has happened over the past few months. She claims to have had such faith in us and what we were going to become. How we were going to have a family and live happily ever after. She then goes on to say that as the months went on that she realized we were on different pages. We were arguing kind of often and she felt bits of loneliness. Throughout the email, she apologizes for trying to make me something I’m not and apologizes for having certain expectations from me. She also says a few times throughout the email that she can’t risk giving me a second chance. That her heart won’t take it. That she wants me to be happy but she can not be my happiness. She thinks that she is wrong for wanting me to change. But I myself wanted to change. I received that email last night. I haven’t responded to it because I don’t know what to say. I can’t drive her away anymore. I feel like I have one shot to show her that I am doing better and plan on continuing to do better but don’t know how to show her. The way I was was not me, I lost her because I wasn’t me. But she thinks she left me because I was me and something that she doesn’t want. So I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about breakup scenarios and getting someone back. This is where as you said I so commonly found the no contact method. My question for you is do you think I should avoid contact at this point and continue to better myself? Do you think I should explain to her that who I was during our relationship was not who I am and that she shouldn’t blame herself for trying to change me? In you’re opinion do we have a chance??? I know I still have a chance to fix myself regardless of what happens between her and I and I plan on exploiting that to its fullest, but do you think I have a chance to fix her perception of me? Thank you so much for any advice.

    • Do you think I should avoid contact at this point and continue to better myself?

      For your situation, yes, I would recommend no contact.

      For 2 reasons.

      First, your last interaction with her didn’t end really well. Trying to force contact right now is probably going to push her away.

      Second, the more important reason is that you probably haven’t changed enough to be able to change her perception of you. So trying to change her perception of you when you are not there yet is counterproductive.

      Do you think I should explain to her that who I was during our relationship was not who I am?

      Don’t try to explain to her. It doesn’t work. She is not going to believe you.

      Here is an analogy. Let say you are a very tall guy, do you need to go around the room telling everyone that you are tall? No, you don’t need to do so. People can see for themselves that you are tall. If you go around and tell everyone that you are tall, it simply shows how insecure you are about yourself.

      The same theory applies here. If you have made enough changes, you don’t have to convince your ex girlfriend about it. She will be able to see the changes in you herself. If you need to explain to her, it means you are not there yet and you are just being insecure.

      I hope that explanation makes sense.

      In your opinion do we have a chance?

      As for whether you still have a chance, I can only tell you that people get back together all the time even when the situation seems impossible. So I don’t think that is a very empowering question to ask. If you want her back, then give it your best shot. Do whatever it takes.

      Do you think I have a chance to fix her perception of me?

      Yes. Obviously, you will have to make the changes first before she can change her perception of you.

      Maybe my new article here will give you some ideas on what to do. The article is not completed yet but I hope you will still find some value.

      I wrote that article for women but it is very applicable to men too.

  8. The relationship between my ex and I is complicated. We dated seven years ago and broke up because I was ready for the relationship to move forward with a possiblity of marriage and he was not ready. We got back together around the first of this year. I attended a function where I ended up seeing his mother and him at the function. His mother, that had not seen me in seven years, placed her hands on my face and asked me if I love her son. I told her that I do with all my heart. She then told me that he loves me and that she loves me and that I am the one. I got so excited about this as I figured that this time it was happening for me. I never mention what was said to me at that time to him, but I started to pressure him about us because I was so excited. I went to another function where he was attending after he told me that he didn’t want to move the relationship further. He told me at that function that he has love for me and does love me, but he is just not where I am yet. He told me that he keeps giving me mixed signals and he is sorry for that and I told him that I was sorry for pressuring him. We are both at fault and apologized to one another. Since that I have gone no contact not because I want him to miss me, but because I honestly don’t know what else to do at this point. We love each other but one is ready for more than the other can currently give. This hurts me deeply as all I want to do is be his wife. I truly don’t know what to do…any advice

    • Don’t take what his mother said to you too seriously. Maybe she is longing to see both of you get married but it doesn’t matter. As long as her son doesn’t want to get married, there is nothing his mother can do about it. What he says to you personally carries a lot more weight than what his mother says.

      Do you know why he is not ready to commit? Did he give you any reason or he just told you he is not ready without telling you why?

  9. Dear Mark,
    4 years ago I started a long distance relationship with a old friend from high school, it had been 22 years since we had last seen each other at graduation. He told me he always had a crush on me and we did go on one date back then, but at 15 I didn’t want a boyfriend so we remained friends. I live in Vegas and he still lived in our hometown in North Carolina. The relationship has been great for the most part, he even proposed marriage and we went ring shopping. Of course long distance isn’t easy but we were making it work. We would see each other about every 8 weeks and I had planned to move back to North Carolina as soon as possible but I have 3 adult children , one of which still lives at home since he’s still in college. I started sensing him pull away about a year ago, he didn’t seem himself, he would tell me everything was fine but he seemed cold and distant even when we were together. But we still communicated everyday. I have trust issues from my past relationships and as hard as I tried not to, I started accusing him of seeing someone else. Of course I knew in my heart he wasn’t, he’s a good man and he’s not that kind of guy. We started arguing more as things didn’t improve on either side and while visiting him last May I ended the relationship. It only lasted a day and I realized what a jerk I had been and I promised myself that I was going to do everything I could to save this relationship and I did, but he had shut down inside. I knew I needed to make the move out to him so I got my plan set, the kids taken care of and a position in my company became available for the city he lives in. I knew the chances of me getting the position would be slim since it would be a huge promotion from the management level that I currently am at, but I had to go for it. The day before Thanksgiving I got the news that I made it to the finalist round but was cut. I told my boyfriend the news and that I knew if I made it that far for a promotion that if a position at my level was open they would transfer me. He seemed relieved that I didn’t get it and over the waiting period to find out the news he wasn’t talking or texting me like usual. The following week I lost control and we got into a huge fight over it. I had plans to visit him over the holidays and 2 days after the fight I called him to talk. I asked if he still wanted me to come visit and he said he didn’t know. I asked if he still wanted me to move out there and he said he wasn’t sure. Of course that led to another fight and I accused him of having met someone new. We didn’t talk for a couple of days then he called to tell me that me not trusting him was killing him and he felt like he couldn’t go do things with friends in fear that I would accuse him of being with another woman and he got it in his head about a year ago that I was never going to move out there because of my kids. I explained to him that him pulling away from me rather than communicating that to me was what was causing me to panic and think the worst of him. He told me that there is no one else and that he loves me. I told him that I love him. We didn’t speak again until the day after Christmas and the conversation was similar to the last one. He again ended the conversation with the words I love you, but nothing as far as when we’d talk again. He text me happy new year and I text back the same. That afternoon I sent him a final text letting him know I am respecting his decision and would give him the time he needs. That I still love him and want to make things work but I was letting go and if we are meant to be together then God will see to it that we are. No response from him.
    I love this man, he is the love of my life and I know we are good together. I know we can have a happily ever after, but I don’t know if there is anything else that I can do other than work on my trust issues and letting go of my past. Since we are long distance I don’t know how I can show him the changes in myself. I need advice on if and/or when I should reach out to him again if I don’t hear from him.
    Thank you.

    Also, he has been engaged twice before once in his mid twenties and then to a different woman in his early thirties, both times he broke up then got back together then ended it for good. So this isn’t the first time he’s gotten cold feet.

    • For your situation, you need to be very patient. Because I noticed that you are trying to jump steps and move too fast. You are now in stage 1 and you are trying to jump to stage 5 immediately which is not going to work.

      You can watch these 5 videos to understand what I meant by stage 1 to stage 5.

      For example, you just broke up with him on May. You were still at stage 1 then, he was resistant towards you. Yet, you were trying to apply for a position in his city. It was actually a blessing in disguise that you didn’t get that position.

      If you did get that position, he is probably going to resent you for it. Why? Because at that point in time, he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. And he knows you are moving there for the sake of him. Therefore, he will feel obligated to take care of you and spend time with you even if you are capable of taking care of yourself. Basically, he will feel like he needs to do things he doesn’t really want to do, which will only push him further away.

      So make sure you understand that there are various stages when it comes to getting an ex back. At different stages, there are things you should and shouldn’t do. For example, in stage 1, you should avoid talking about the relationship or getting back together in general.

      Basically, avoid talking about anything that raises his resistance towards you. That is probably why your attempts to get him back haven’t been very effective so far.

      So yes, you should definitely work on your own issues and let go of your past. Also, make sure you taking things one step at a time. You now know that you are in stage 1. Your next goal is NOT stage 5(get your ex back). Don’t do anything drastic. Don’t try to move to his city.

      Your next goal is stage 2(get on talking terms with him again). In order to get to that stage, you need to make sure that your conversation is no pressure and lighthearted. Don’t force him to make a decision or talk about the relationship. Avoid text messages like the final text you sent him.

      If you want to get him back, then obviously, you have to reach out to him if he doesn’t contact you. As for when is the best time to contact him, it depends on you. When are you emotionally ready to talk to him again?

      When are you able to bring awareness and acceptance into your interaction with him?

      When you are truly able to bring awareness and acceptance when you are interacting with your ex, he should be able to notice the changes in you even if you are communicating long distance.

      I talk about the concept of awareness and acceptance in this article. Hopefully, the information in that article will give you an idea of what you need to focus on.

      Also, if you need more help and support to get your ex back, I encourage you to read my article here.

      After all, you have been trying for 6 months without any progress. So I suggest that you don’t waste anymore time on trial and error.

  10. Hi Mark,

    I really like your articles. I can so much relate. My boyfriend and I are 6 years and 9 mos together. We are both happy and contented. I love him so dearly and I know he loves me so much too. He always makes me happy. Actually I just found out few montha ago that he planned to proposed to me Last December 2013,on my birthday and it didn’t happen. But few months ago I noticed that he seems a bit sad and I can see it in his eyes and face. I always ask him what’s the matter, then he told me its because of the business that he is putting. I really understand it because I know what really is going on in his business. Then suddenly, I just felt something wrong with us, he can’t look into my eyes when I’m telling him about my day etc. We always see each other, we always have our date together but it seems that I was with him but he was not there. He seems lost. We always fight on the entire relationship but we never break up. We always say sorry then we’re okay again. Then yesterday I ask him what’s wrong, did he still see me as his future, and the mother of her child. Because we always talk about our future. Then just a snap it became blurry. He said that yes ofcourse. I saidDo you still love me? He said Yes he really do. But according to him he feels incomplete, he’s happy with but felt incomplete happiness. That he knows there is much happier feeling than this. I am really hurt. He assured me there’s no one else. I cried in front of him. He is my life. He is my one great love. I think the spark is gone that’s why. He wanted me to give him space for a month. He will just analize what’s wrong. I felt so guilty in all my shortcomings. He is a good man. I want him badly to be my husband and father if my child my future is so clear with him. So after reading all your articles i decided to respect his decision to give him space. But he said that He’s afraid to lose me and it hurts to see me hurting. He said that He don’t if he fall out of love.,Please help me how I regain that? I know he loves me but I wasn’t sure if its the same as before.
    I will pray, patiently wait for him and no matter what I will fight for our love. But I’m still hurting. Our last talk is earlier today. Please give some advice. Thank you hope to hear from you soon.

    • Is he facing financial difficulties now? Or is he struggling really hard in his business? It seems like this is the main trigger for the situation you are facing now.

  11. Hi

    I hope you can help. My boyfriend split up with me in decembr last month because we had been having silly little arguments pretty much every week. But they had been happening more than usual as i had found out he wanted to move out and get a plae and mortgage on his own. we had been together for more than 4 years. Im ashamed to say that when I met him on the day we split I thought we would be ok and I pretty much begged him to give us a second chance and he said no there was too many arguments and “we” werent happy. I never mentioned myself once. he said he didnt want to try and walked away but text me the next day to ask if i was ok because there was an accident in our town- i replied i was ok and asked if he was too. That was the last time we spoke and I left in 30 days of no contact I have been going to the gym and making sure I lose weight and change my attitude to. I was a bit upset he didnt text me on christmas or new years- but i didnt text him either. I text him 2 days ago just a simple” Hi how are you I hope you got the flat ok” but he hasnt text back yet. I havent text him back because I dont want to pester him but I want to try contacting him again? what should I say in the text this time? i just want to know if we can have second chance or not. please help I cant stop thinking about it all and believe me i have tried. H

    • I will encourage you to read my article here. I talked about why going to the gym is pointless.

      If you want to get your ex back, you really need to focus on real internal transformation, not superficial stuff like going to the gym. After all, I am sure your ex didn’t break up with you because you didn’t go to the gym.

      Do not contact him now because you may push him further away. There is no magic text that will help you get him back.

      If you want to get your ex back, you need to take a proactive approach and focus on becoming the best version of yourself. Your ex needs to see the changes in you before he will consider getting back together with you.

      If you need more help in this area, you can sign up for my newsletter here.

  12. Hi Mark,

    I was with my ex boyfriend for 11 months before he broke up with me. He said that he needed time to discover his old self again and he isn’t as happy as he used to be. He began to feel this way when we both have to all of a sudden deal with long distance. When he broke up with me, I begged and tried to convince him why we should be together, but I soon realize that he already made the decision and I can’t do anything about it. So I told him that let’s end the relationship on a good note by reminiscing about the good memories we have together. He say that he still loves me and I will always have a part of him since I’m his first love. We decided that it’s okay to still text each other, but I soon realize that I’m torturing myself by waiting for his reply to my text. I initiated the NC rule so I won’t torture myself waiting. I want to learn how to be happy by myself, but want to try to get him back in a month. Do you think there’s a good chance for us to get back together after a month of no contact? Let me know please. Thanks!

    • Unlikely. No contact is not a magic pill. You don’t just do nothing during no contact and expect him to come back. You need to take a more proactive approach. Work on the skills I mentioned in this article during no contact. You are going to stand a better chance.

      • Hey, so obviously since Im hear I’ve been scouring the Internet for advice and insight however my situation is very particular. My girlfriend and I were incredibly happy, hardly argued or faught, saw eye to eye in almost every regard and sexually and emotionally were so comfortable with one another. Here is what happened. She was recently divorced with two kids and then a year and a half ago we started talking all day everyday and eventually started dating… Things were a slow pace because she didn’t want her ex to know she had moved on until the divorce and child arrangements were finalized as well slow moving in not wanting to introduce her kids to me until she felt comfortable about it for there well being which I more than respected her for. The only thing we ever really “argued” about was her constantly feeling sorry for more or less forcing us to move things so slowly when she would think I wanted more. Which naturally I love her so wanted to but was very content moving at a pace that made her comfortable. On the day after Christmas we found out she was pregnant, unfortunately this is the second time this has happened to us and the first time obviously we didn’t keep the baby because of circumstances that we obviously were just not ready for that and it was incrediy hard for her to go that route. She can’t do certain types of birth control because of some health issues with her hormones and so despite trying other methods here we are again and decided yet again it was not the right time for us to have a baby together and both agreed that of it were down the road and things were different and our relationship had moved forward enough we would have no doubt about keeping it…..I finally met the kids on New Years eve and they loved me and got along great with them, however this lead to them telling there farther about me and inevitably him finding out she was dating, which apparently he was more than ok with… Her family (her sister is really all she’s close with) loves me and infact went out of the way to tell me how I’m such a great guy and how happy she is with me and us… Well a few days go by and she’s still pregnant, I can tell she’s acting distant so ask to have a talk, she said she wasn’t sure she was ready for me to meet the kids or when she will be ready and then said she was unsure about ever wanting another child again. I had lead on that Id like to one day but maybe wasn’t clear in stating I would like it but don’t feel it’s something I would plan or need at this point in my life…anyways This lead to some very hurt feelings and the relationship coming to an abrupt end. I don’t understand what happened literally days before we were the happiest couple the kind that make people sick at how in love we are..and now not. I tried talking to her the first 2 days after but she went to great lengths to not allow it. She never gave me an explanation or answers or anything to go off of just this extreme sudden change of heart, and it’s torturing me… Monday January the 26 was the appointment with the health clinic I had booked off time from work for a few days to support her through it but at this point were no longer talking or seeing each other at all… I texted her a couple days before to let her know I was there if she needed anything at all and that I supported her and this decision. Her response was very short… “Thank you” and “I just think it’s easier of we don’t talk” I responded by asking if she not wanted to talk for now or for good because I feel I have i lot of questions and non understanding of how things changed for what seems like over night and that it’s not easier on me this way… I never got a response back… Since then I’ve continued to respect her wishes to not contact her or see her. On the day of the appointment I messaged her sister just asking if she could let me know after everything was said and done that she was ok and in as good mental and physical health as one can be… She said she didn’t want to feel like she was going behind her sisters back but would. Shortly after I got word she was ok. And now A few very difficult days have passed my desire to be there for her and support her has been hard to handle with not seeing or talking but all in all Im now left with still not knowing what happend or where things went wrong or what to do. I feel I can’t move forward without ever having any reason other than what I can conjure up in my mind and of course having a hard time letting go since I felt we were a match made in heaven. Her birthday is coming up on February 5 I’ve respected her wish to not talk but I know myself and know I need some closure of this is really over or Id love to talk and get past all this on move forward again. What do I do?

        • I think she is probably feeling insecure about her future with you. And I suspect she wants to keep the kid this time round. If this is what she wants, then you need to take some time to think about whether you are ok with the decision. She is probably still confused and is not ready to talk to you yet. So give her some time and try again later. Don’t be in a rush to seek closure. Be patient.

  13. Dear Mark,
    Your blog seems really interesting. Hope you can help me. I was 4 years with my ex. We were living togheter for 2years in tiny apartament (30sq meters) which caused lot of stress for us. He was not convinced for looking for sth else so i decide to move out and give us some space. He didn’t like the idea, said we should look for something togheter. We broke up before Christmas, but during this time we were discussing how we can work it out, how to deal with apartament and what we expect from the relation. We met after New Year and then he said it was good decision to break up – that he has a gut feeling I am not the one for him, he doesn’t believe in it any anymore. He said he kissed someone on the party and felt the freedom and it was a relief feeling (I was his first serious gf (he’s 24 and I’m 27)…) After that we met 4-5 times, hanging out and even sleeping with each other, but when I asked how he imagine it further he said it was not good idea to hang out and that we shouldn’t meet anymore for some weeks. And that he will call and check up on me. He said he made up his mind and can’t change the fact that he is not in love with me now and don’t want to fix it, but he cares about me and I am definitly more then a friend for him after these years. I made all the mistakes like crying, apologizing for my mistakes, begging, trying to discuss, coming to his place, etc. Now we haven’t been talking for 5 days, he just passed my post and things through a friend.
    What should I do? Stay on no contact? I care a lot about him, but not sure there is any way to get him back.

  14. What to do if my guy dumped me and at the same time wants to be friends?
    I mean this no contact time is meant for me to be silent and to fix my heart.
    But he writes me nice things every day, asks questions and sends songs.
    According to the typical no contact rule I should act like I don’t care about him and that is why I am silent, but he is very active and I cannot admit him that I feel like “he is the bad guy who hurled me”.
    But if I answer every day, then he does not have time to think about our 3 year relationship (I know him- he thinks only when suffers), he has no time to miss me and I am not stable enough.

    He broke up because we had a quarrel and he cannot stand quarrels at all, though this one was small, he left me because of negative emotions. Now he is too proud to change his mind. At the same time he says that he loves me and always will, and that he feels sad, but he is sure that we do not ave future together. My opinion is that we are a great couple, but he does not understand that both should work on relationship and people use to fight sometimes. I am only his second girl, he is 27.

    • It is important to take care of your own emotions first. If you are affected every time he contacts you, then you need to tell him about it. Don’t just be silent. Be tactful in your approach. You can thank him for sending you nice things and tell him that you would love to talk to him in the future. However, right now, you just need some time to think about things and heal.

  15. I need some help trying to figure out a situation I have been in.I was involved with a man for the last 5 years,the first year was perfect,we did everything together,I met his children and we moved in together with 3months, I thought my life had started and I was really happy.But then one day it all changed,we went out and a had a big argument,he told me the next day to pack my bags and leave it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I did it. Weeks passed and I found out that he had stated to see his ex girlfriend it broke my heart,I begged him to talk to me,since then he never left my life kept coming back and fourth telling me its me he wanted,he’s never been happier with anyone but me and I feel for it every single time,this carried in for 2years no real commitment all he kept saying was we are working towards a realtionship.In March last year he finally decided to give us a proper go,things were looking good he again began to be the way he was when we first got together until I asked him where this realtionship was going,I wanted commitment to get married and have children,he left angry, I found out in June he was again cheating on me,it broke me all over again and this time I wanted answers to why this had gappened,he began ingoning me,I was ringing him,texting him but would get no reply,I even asked a close friend to ask to speak to me and all he said is that he would in his own time,it never came,because I worked with him I couldn’t face going in,I was signed off for stress for 10 weeks,not once did he pick up the phone to ask me how I was. Then 5 days before Christmas a girl we both used to work with rang me to tell me she was now with him,as you can imagine I was shocked as j thought he had left me for the other woman which he did not now again had moved on!!It again was the worst pain I had experienced,Its coming up to a month since I tried to contact him.someone said he sounds like narcasitic is he or is he just a player and wil he come ever come back?

  16. Last week, I just had this breakup with my boyfriend. The last night we met up to talk about the breakup was painful. I cried a lot that night, he tries to hold his tears. Then days after it, things goes really awkward, the text messages start become short (because I’m the one who starts it). He even said “miss u” to me but I didn’t respond the same way. Then I blocked him for 2 days so I won’t get his reply and so on. Now I guess he’s really leaving me? I wanna talk to him so bad, but I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for my self and mind to be clear first then go text him or what?

    • Get your emotions under control first. Trying to get him back before you are emotionally ready will just make things worse.

  17. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article; mainly because it emphasizes more on how important it is for the individual to create their own happiness and heal. I’ve fallen victim of NC for many selfish reasons, and it doesn’t work. Once you do NC for you, you are in a better place to receive the love from your ex or potentially a new partner that is willing to do the things your ex may not have been willing to do. I know for me, this time around, NC was solely based on me moving on with my life. Although it hurts like hell, I’ve also found inner peace and have seen many positive changes occurring because of it. I’m in a better place and I even love and respect myself more. Great article!!

  18. I LOVE this article! I absolutely enjoyed reading it and I 100% agree with everything you said about the no contact “rule”. My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. Our breakup was a bit nasty, and I’ll admit I’m the reason it ended. I smothered him to the point where he couldn’t take it no more so he ended it. However we have been in contact only 4 days after our breakup, so we both did not get enough time to heal. Emotions were all over the place and every time we contacted each other or met f2f it was difficult. It was hard to have a normal conversation with him because it was always filled with emotions – hurt/anger/frustration…
    I’ve been reading so many articles since my breakup and every article states to do NC. But there are several reasons I was afraid to do so. The points you made that “rule” makes people nervous and plays mind games are spot on. I have been wanting to ask my ex for some space to heal, but according to other “relationship experts” they state that I should do NC without informing my ex, then he would start wondering why I stopped contacting and would come running back to me. This I wasn’t so sure about. This also ties in with the “rule” of going 30 days minimum without talking to him. I told myself that if I decided to listen to these “experts” and do NC without informing him, and assuming he does in fact messages me, wouldn’t NOT responding just make him think I’ve moved on and drive him farther away? Of EVERY article I have read, this one is the ONLY one that makes so much sense to me, and answers all of my questions with regards to NC.
    When my ex asks to be friends for now, I immediately went into panic mode, thinking that my chances of getting back together are all lost. But then I read one of your articles yesterday, and you mentioned that if an ex asks to be friends for now, and you’re not ready for that, simply tell him that I’m not ready and I’d like some tine to heal. I thought it made sense. And so I called him and explained that my feelings for him still are still too strong, and it’s hard for me to just be friends with him for now. I further explained that I would like to build a friendship, but I want to do so when I’m not as emotionally involved, so that when we meet f2f or even text, I don’t expect too much too soon and we’re able to enjoy ourselves without having emotions running high. He was VERY understanding, and even said that he also needed time to think about things, but with us staying in touch immediately after the breakup wasn’t helping, and it was making him feel more frustrated and pressured. We agreed that once we end NC and start talking again, it will actually be a new, fresh start.
    I thought that I’d regret telling him I want NC, because I thought right after I’d have the urge to call/text him. But I did not. I felt so much better knowing we’re on the same page and where we both stand. I love this article so much, because it helped me realize that this NC “rule” does not need to go on for a minimum 30 days, but as long as it takes to get myself together and to find inner strength again :)

    • I also wanted to point out (if it wasn’t clear) that I really do want my ex back. But I know by staying in touch with him without any time and space to properly heal is only damaging things more. I was expecting too much, and it kept frustrating him more because he felt like I was pushing. I finally realized that we both need space and accepted that I was wrong and I need time to find myself again and to better myself; teach myself how to handle certain situations and how to respond to them.
      Again, this is a great article, as is all of your other articles that I have read. It’s logical and makes a lot of sense to me, and gives a great/true insight of what to expect and what not to expect.

      • WOW! my bf broke up with me for a similar reason, and also because his feelings are in and out because of the constant arguing that we’ve been going through. He tried doing a break with me twice and I didn’t let him go nor give him the space. I felt like I pressured him to get back into it, and for a week we were together but it was NOT good. His feelings were so in and out and it hurt me more than anything. Finally he broke up with me after feeling like I don’t do breaks well, and said he needs time to be by himself and for clarity. I’m so hurt and I’m definitely not trying to make the same mistake and smother him and make things worse. I’m so scared he won’t come back. My birthday is in 18 days, and we had so much plans together for this birthday because i’m doing something huge, and if he doesn’t come back before then, I will never forgive him. I’m so worried.

    • Yup, that’s the point. Human beings are not a piece of wood that cannot bend. I think we can all learn to be more flexible and act according to circumstances instead of just blindly following some arbitrary rules.

      It is great that you are able to think critically even though you are emotional. Glad you find this article helpful.

  19. Help me on this. My ex broke up with me a week ago. It was sudden to me because few days before he told me that we can see each other once a week and he was fine for me to text him all day. However he ended up saying he has no time for a relationship and we can be friends. I went crazy and started sending him heaps of texts asking why couldn’t you say this in person. And he didn’t respond to most of my texts. I think he blocked me on whatsapp. During the texting I asked him can we meet up and talk about this than finishing it up over a text. I tried calling him but he didn’t pick up the phone. Next day I asked him if I will ever see him again. He unblock me and said “sure when I have the time” I tried to keep it cool but I went out of control the next day I send him texts saying various things but never ask him to come back or take me. I told him you cause so much heartache for me and that’s why you are getting these texts. All I wanted him to do was send me a reply . In the end he sent a one saying I m busy,he blocked me after that. I asked him to unblock me and let’s have a normal chat. He said he’s abnormal (because I used to tell him that) I then told him It was a joke did you take it seriously , he goes and said no I was making a joke. I thought we are talking again. And sent him a message saying I keep looking at the pictures we took and can’t stop thinking about you this is more than liking some one, I really wish you are mine. After I sent this text he didn’t send me any text at all. Two days later I sent him a text saying sorry for hassling with texts and ruining all the good memories we had I to a bad one. Hope we can be friends one day if not now. All the best. I didn’t here anything from him since then. It’s been two days no sign what so ever.
    I actually want to ask again if we can have a casual chat and ask him to unblock me. Is it a good idea. I feel like he was going to talk and I sent an unwanted message and that’s why he is not responding.
    What should I do. I m not sure if I can wait 30 days without contact.
    Thanks
    P.s we have been together for two months however we were close and talk to each other everyday.

    • Did you sign up for my newsletter? If you did, you should be receiving an email about the 5 stages of getting your ex back on Day 11. It will tell you exactly how you should approach getting your ex back one stage at a time.

      Because of the heaps of text you have sent him after the breakup, you might have pushed him too far into stage 1. So his resistance towards you is probably very high right now. You need to give it some time for his resistance to come down. When you received that email, it will tell you what you should do and what you shouldn’t do during each of the 5 stages.

      Meanwhile, follow the advice I mentioned in this article. Work on internal transformation.

      At the end of the day, if you want your ex to consider getting back with you, he needs to have a good reason. I am not exactly sure why he broke up with you. But based on what you told me so far, I have a feeling that it was due to neediness. Anyway, he needs to be able to see that the relationship will be better before he will even consider getting back together with you.

      Therefore, you should definitely take the time to practise the skills I mentioned in this article. The tips in this article is meant to complement the 5 stages of getting your ex back that I sent in my newsletter.

  20. Dear Mark,

    Mabuhay!

    I love your article. I’ve learned a lot from you.

    Just want to ask you about my ex boyfriend. He broke up with me last month ago. He said that he don’t love me anymore. That he want time for himself. He also said that he tried to back the love lost feeling but he can’t.
    I feel so sad and confused. I asked him if there is a 3rd party. He answered me no. Just want to have time for himself.

    I love him so much. We’re getting near for our 2nd anniversary this month. He was angry when he broke up with me over the phone. I tried to call him back but he didn’t answer.

    What will i do? Last night he went where i am working. I realize i still love him and want to be his gf again. And when i had a conversation with him the way before he talked to me on the phone is not like the way last time.
    He was shy just like we are when just starting. Do i have to do the first move to be with him again?

    Thank you.

    • Yes, if you want to get your ex back, you have to be proactive. This is true not just for getting your ex back. It is true for anything you want to achieve. You want something, you have to take action. You don’t wait for things to happen.

  21. Hi,
    I wanted to get a different perspective on my recent break up. My girlfriend and I had been together for two years. Left on our own, we got on incredibly well, but I am the kind of person who always tries to keep people happy, and this always caused tension between my mum and my partner.

    After almost two years together, my partner and I moved in together and lived together for four months, during which the same tension was there between my mum and my partner. Things came to a head around Christmas where I found my partner in tears over the whole thing, and then the same with my mum on Christmas Day. This broke me. The plan for the day had been to spend the day with my family and my partner would come round in the evening. After the incident in the morning, my partner said I should do what I had to to make me happy. I was so shell shocked I didn’t ask my partner to come over, so she spent Christmas evening alone. Looking back I hate myself for this.

    During the Christmas break, my partner and I talked about this, and I said that I didn’t know if I could find a way to balance things, and that I didn’t know if I could stand up for her. We split up that week.

    That was four weeks ago, during which time I have moved out. It took two weeks for it to hit me, but I am devastated about it and ashamed of myself. My partner seems to have moved on, says she is talking to some new people, and that we should not talk for a while, after which we can be mates. I tried to explain my regrets, but she said that the time had passed for that, that she only looked back on the relationship and saw the negatives. As part of this conversation, she said that she didn’t know if we would ever get back together, but if I change down the line, it could happen.

    These are really mixed signals for me. That was 4 days ago, and we have kept NC since. I am desperately trying to fight the urge to try and win her back, but the only way I can stop myself is by thinking that this would work better after the NC period. I know this isn’t a constructive way of thinking, but what can I do?

    • Sometimes, when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. So this is an aspect of yourself you need to work on while you are trying to get your ex back. This is especially important when you are dealing with the 2 most important women in your life.

      There are many resources out there that teaches you how to handle girlfriend/wife and mother issues. It is simply a matter of you doing a few Google searches. So I will leave it to you to conduct your own research on that area. Put it this way. If you don’t learn this skill now, you are going to continue having problems in your relationship in the future.

      So instead of feeling ashamed of yourself, which is hardly constructive at all, go and research and read up like I mentioned above. Learn to stand up for your girlfriend while taking care of your mum’s feelings at the same time. Stop being passive. Be more proactive. Upgrade your communication and listening skills.

      You can consider getting this book, Nonviolent Communication. I am pretty sure after reading this book, you will realize how poor your communication skill was. At least, that was my realization about my own communication skills after reading that book.

      As for how to get your ex back, you need to understand that you are not the only one who has emotions. Your ex is going through a lot of pain as well. When someone is very emotional, they tend to be in a confused state of mind. That is why you see them sending you mixed signals from time to time.

      One moment, they think they have moved on and doesn’t want you back. That is why they are cold towards you. Another moment, they started to miss you and want you back. That is why they are hot towards you.

      That is why you need to heal yourself first before you even attempt to get your ex back. Put it this way. If you keep on reacting to her emotions, how is she going to trust you? How are you going to connect with her on a deeper emotional level? You must get yourself out of reaction mode first. Learn to respond to situation instead of react to situation. I explained more in this article here.

      Also, you need to understand that there are 5 distinct stages when it comes to getting your ex back. Depending on which stage your ex is in, you need to respond accordingly. You will find out more about the 5 stages on Day 11 of my newsletter, so I am not going to repeat it here. If you are interested to learn more, you can sign up for my newsletter.

  22. Is there still hope if I broke the no contact after 29 days? We went on a date but I got too emotional and he said he was much happier during the time we didn’t talk. Is it too late ?

    • Yes, there is hope, if the next time you meet him, you can truly present a better self to him. However, that is not going to happen overnight. It takes a lot of inner work, probably much more than 30 days for most people. You may want to read this article for more information on what to do.

      No contact is never about the number of days. It is about whether you have actually healed. If after 60 days, you still haven’t properly healed, then you still won’t be able to connect with him on an emotional level.

      Forget about the number of days. Some people heal faster. Some people heal slower. So I suggest that you check in with yourself before you reach out to your ex. Are you breaking no contact because you truly believe you are emotionally ready and have already developed the skills that will help you connect with your ex? Or are you breaking no contact out of fear of losing him?

      If it is the latter, it means you are not ready to date your ex. You may want to read the article I linked to above to learn more about how to do no contact the proper way.

  23. Hi Mark,
    I loved your article, finally someone honest about nc!

    This is my story:
    My ex and I met a year ago, kept in touch for months and finally got together. Since I got a job in his town he asked me to move in with him and I did. After few months he told me he realized he needed to change job cause he was sick of it (he knew that for a long time, before we even met, but he thought that after few months of traveling it would be fine again, but it wasn’t) and he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He also told me things were going too fast, he’s got feelings but he’s scared they’ll become too deep, he also mentioned he’s got commitment issues and want to take things slowly.
    I gave him my support cause I knew he was going through a bad time because he didn’t know what to do with his job. He eventually realized what he wanted to do and moved to a different city. In these months we kept talking as friends but when we see each other it’s obvious we still both have feelings, he seems still interested when we meet but when we text we look like two friends.
    Since this situation is not good for me anymore, cause I feel vulnerable, I’ve decided To start the nc rule. It’s now 11 days of nc, he contacted me a week ago but I didn’t reply and I feel awful! I feel like I’m playing with him and I feel that this will just create more distance.

    What I’d like from you is some advice.

    Do you think I should keep doing nc or contact him back?

    Hope everything is clear.

    Thanks for your time.

  24. Hi Mark, my girlfriend and I broke up. She officially called it off but we were both at a place where we needed space and were not sure where the relationship is going. Since the breakup(30 days ago), i have really gained some wonderful insights about myself and what was both missing from my life and the relationship. I am now moving on and getting my own life to where it needs to be. I feel like sending her an email sharing this awareness and letting her know that though we broke up, I gained quite a bit in terms of learning about myself, what I needed to do feel more grounded and more. In short, the relationship gave me a strong glimpse into myself that I would not have had otherwise.

    • That’s a good start. Keep it up! However, for your first contact with her, it may not be a good idea.

      While it may be true that you have made some improvements, she may not believe you. It will be more convincing to show through your action rather than tell.

      For example, maybe in the past, you used to have a very negative outlook about life. You constantly have this unhappy look on your face. If she can see that the new you have this zest about life, that is going to be a lot more convincing than a thousand words you say.

      Also, having wonderful insights is just the first step. To truly transform yourself, it is still going to take a period of time. So don’t be in a hurry to tell her you have changed. Really work on the change so that eventually, she can see the change in you with her own eyes.

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