Perhaps everything has been going well in your relationship, or so you thought. Then out of the blue, your ex drops a bomb on you and tell you he wants to break up.
You just can’t figure out why.
After all, you don’t remember having any big argument recently. For some of you, maybe your ex was even talking about marriage just a few weeks ago.
You were caught unaware and totally blindsided.
Like most people, you probably begged and pleaded a little bit, hoping that he will come back. You also questioned your ex but received an answer you somehow knew was not true or at least not the entire truth.
Breakups Don’t Happen Out of the Blue
First, it is important to recognize that breakups are unlikely to happen suddenly.
I know it may seem that way to you but definitely not for your ex.
Most probably, your ex has been ruminating about it for at least a few weeks to a few months before announcing it to you.
Why is that so?
Because a breakup is a tough decision. It takes courage.
On one hand, there are things that your ex really treasure in the relationship. On the other hand, your ex is becoming increasingly dissatisfied.
That is why your ex wanted to take the time to carefully reconsider his decision. He doesn’t want to make a decision he will regret.
Once he has decided to breakup, he still need to figure out how to break the news to you.
For some men, this process alone can take a few weeks. Why is that so?
Well, let me go through their thought process with you.
“Hmmm… how can I break up with her without hurting her?”
“What reason should I use to break up with her?”
And you know what? I won’t be surprised if your ex decided to go online and research how to break up with you.
After some research, your ex finally concluded that no matter how he does it, regardless of what reason he uses, you are still going to be hurt.
He finally realized that he has to do it anyway. So he decided to break the news the next time he meet up with you.
However, on that fateful day, somehow he just couldn’t bring himself to say it.
Well, there are many possible reasons.
Maybe the date went well on that day and caused him to question his decision. Maybe he wanted to have more time to consider. Maybe he just didn’t have the courage to say it.
This can go back and forth for a few weeks.
All the while, you were oblivious to what was happening in his mind.
Then suddenly, he realized that in 2 weeks time, it will be your birthday. Or maybe it is a special occasion such as Valentines Day, Christmas or your anniversary.
He decided that it is not a good idea to break up with you during any of these special days.
Once again, another few weeks are gone before he finally drops the bombshell on you.
Now, obviously not every guy will go through the same thought process.
I am simply talking about the worst case scenario where the guy really dilly-dally before breaking up with you.
Some guys will breakup with you regardless of the occasion.
Some guys won’t even have the courage to break up with you face to face. They will just do it over the phone, text message, a letter or Facebook.
However, I believe that most guys will go through some of the processes mentioned above before breaking up with you.
The reason I am telling you all these is to illustrate to you that a breakup is a well thought out process. It is seldom as “out of the blue” as you think.
And that leads to another point.
Why Your Ex Won’t Tell You The Truth
As I explained above, a breakup is really tough and your ex wanted the relationship to end as smoothly as possible.
Most importantly, he wanted to minimize the hurt to you.
That is why your ex will try to use the easiest excuse to break up with you such as:
It’s not you, it’s me.
In fact, your ex will probably compliment you and say things like “you are the best thing that ever happened to me”.
What your ex is trying to do is to protect your feelings.
Why Your Ex Is So Sweet To You Even Though He Has Already Decided to Break Up With You
One reason why many women are so shocked is because their ex was so sweet to them just a few weeks or even a few days before the breakup.
Maybe they were even talking about marriage, buying a house and starting a family.
Maybe they just came back from vacation and had a really great time.
So why all of a sudden, their ex wanted to end the relationship?
Well, there are 3 possible reasons I can think of. In fact, it can be a combination of any of these 3 reasons.
Your Ex Doesn’t Want to Rock The Boat
Your ex is still in the decision making phase. Until he is absolutely sure about his decision, he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
Your Ex Wants To Alleviate His Guilt
Perhaps you have treated your ex really well, maybe even much better than he treated you. He finds you a really wonderful person.
That is why he feels guilty. In order to alleviate his guilt, he tries to treat you as well as he can before breaking up with you.
Your Ex Is Trying To Save The Relationship
As I mentioned above, a breakup is a really tough decision. If possible, he doesn’t even want to make a decision.
By going to a vacation with you, or talking about marriage, or doing romantic things together, he was hoping that he can convince himself to stay in the relationship.
At last, doing all these things doesn’t really get to the root of the problem because he is just doing it alone.
You weren’t even aware of what he was thinking, so it never occurred to you that something needs to change in order to save the relationship.
Eventually, he still decided to go ahead with the breakup.
What You Should Do Next
Chances are, you probably want to find out the real reason so that you can at least get closure.
However, I suggest that you just let go of it.
Closure is nothing more than a myth. The only person who can give you closure is yourself.
If you are truly ready to let go, you don’t need someone else to give you closure. If you need someone to give you closure, it means you are not ready to let go.
But Shouldn’t I Learn From My Mistakes?
Yes, if you can learn from your mistakes, that will be great. However, I don’t think the best way to do so is to ask your ex boyfriend.
Let me illustrate by asking you a simple question.
What do you want in life?
Chances are, 9 out of 10 people are going to be stumped by this question.
Alright, maybe the question is a bit too broad. Let’s be more specific.
What do you really want in your relationship?
Once again, I won’t be surprised if many people can’t answer the question.
The fact is, many people can clearly tell you what they don’t want but they have difficulties telling you exactly what they want.
When it comes to affairs of the heart, people are even more confused.
Earlier, I mentioned some reasons why your ex won’t tell you the truth. Perhaps I should add one more reason here.
It is because your ex is confused.
There is no way you can get a good answer out of a confused ex.
Your Ex Is Someone Who Doesn’t Speak His Mind
Somehow, I noticed this trend in the comments and emails I received. It may not be true all the time but whenever I received a “sudden breakup” situation, it is usually accompanied by an ex boyfriend who doesn’t speak his mind.
That is why I will see comment such as:
We seldom argue throughout our relationship but my boyfriend just broke up with me for no reason.
So if your ex boyfriend happens to be someone who tend to bottle up his feelings, what do you think is your chances of getting the real answer from him?
That is why I don’t encourage you to try and force the answer out from your ex. It will just create more tension and chances are you are still not going to get answers that are helpful.
Self Reflection Is The Way to Go
Most probably, you are not as clueless as you think.
If you are willing to spend a bit of time on self reflection and be honest with yourself, you will definitely be able figure out something you can improve on.
So I think it is unnecessary to learn your mistakes from your ex before you can improve yourself.
If you still insist on getting the answer from your ex, I suggest that you do it 2 years later.
Why 2 years later?
Because by then, both of you should be in a better place emotionally and he is more likely to tell you the truth.
But I believe when the time comes, you won’t be as interested in the answer because you have already moved on.
Which proves the point.
You are the only one who can give yourself closure.
The Ultimate Reason Why Your Ex Broke Up With You
If you want to get your ex back, this is something you have to know.
Yes, there can be many reasons for breaking up. Whether they are “real” or “crap” reasons, they are nothing more than surface level reasons.
The ultimate reason for any breakup is the loss of emotional connection.
If the emotional connection is strong enough, a couple will choose to stay together no matter what difficulties they are facing.
That is why if you want to save your relationship, it is totally pointless for you to find out why from your ex boyfriend.
Whatever reasons he can give you is only surface level. Even if you know the real answer, as long as you can’t connect with him emotionally, you are unlikely to get back together.
Therefore, if you want to get your ex back, you need to focus on the emotional connection.
Doing those things will not equip you with the necessary skills to connect with your ex on a deeper emotional level.
If you are interested to find out what these skills are, you can read this article:
Why Is My Opinion So Different From Other Relationship Experts?
I wouldn’t be surprised if you have read other articles of the same topic.
Most of them are telling you that if your ex dumped you out of the blue, he is probably a commitment phobe or he is emotionally immature. Therefore you should move on.
If I was writing about this topic 3 years ago, I would probably have sang the same tune.
But due to life experiences and what I have seen over these 3 years, it has broaden my perspective.
I now believe that even “impossible” situations can be turned possible. Of course, I am not saying that all relationships can be saved or are worth saving. But I do believe that most are.
So before you give up on your relationship because other websites are telling you to do so, I want to encourage you to at least give it your best shot first before giving up.
Even if you don’t succeed, at least you can pat yourself on the back because you have already tried your best. You can move on without any regrets.
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