How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Miss You

Don’t Try To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I know you are here to learn how to make your ex boyfriend miss you like crazy and want you back. But I am here to tell you not to do it.

And there are 3 very good reasons.

First, I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself.

Second, even if you don’t try to make your ex boyfriend miss you, he may still miss you.

Third, just because he misses you doesn’t mean he want to get back together with you.

I know all these may sound confusing to you right now. So let me explain in more details below.

If you have read the other articles on my site, you will know that I discourage my readers from playing mind games and using manipulation tactics to save a relationship.

So the purpose of this article is the same. My hope is to lead you away from playing manipulative mind games that can end up hurting yourself and your relationship.

 

The Myth Of Using No Contact To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

Before writing this article, I have actually done quite a bit of research on this topic. Basically, I was just curious. I want to see what other relationship experts were saying.

Guess what I see?

I think you probably know the answer already. 90% of the sites I came across were recommending “The No Contact Rule” to get your ex boyfriend to miss you.

Well, let me tell you the truth.

There is no way you can control when your ex will start to yearn for you. Some people will take a very long time before they start missing their ex, maybe a minimum of 6 months.

Unless you enjoy playing the waiting game, it is probably not a very smart way to get your ex back.

Now of course, there will be people who will start missing their ex after a short period of no contact. So maybe your ex will really start to miss you after around one month.

But there is a question I want to ask you. If your ex really started to miss you, what are you going to do next in order to get back together with him?

There is a reason why I am asking you this question.

You see, a lot of people seem to have this misconception that all it takes for you to get your ex boyfriend back is to make him miss you.  People seem to forget that there is a reason for breaking up in the first place.

Even if your ex boyfriend really decided to get back together with you because he misses you, eventually, he is going to leave you again if he realizes that nothing has changed in the relationship and the same old problems are still there.

I suggest that you read this article “What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back“. Don’t just rely on the passive approach of doing nothing during no contact and expecting that it will miraculously save your relationship  when he starts thinking about you. That’s not going to work in a million years.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but I am not here to sugarcoat things. I just want to point out the various possibilities to you so that while you are hoping for the best, you are prepared for the worst as well. At least when things don’t go your way, you will not feel so upset.

answers

Your Boyfriend May or May Not Want to Get Back Together With You

Let’s try to keep things simple here.

I know relationships can be complicated. Maybe your boyfriend wants you back. Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he is not sure what he wants right now. Or maybe he will change his mind sooner or later.

But to keep things simple, let us just stick to 2 possibilities.

 

1. He doesn’t want to get back together.

If your boyfriend has no intention to get back into the relationship, you can use no contact on him for as long as you want and that is not going to make him miss you. In fact, it will help him to forget about you.

Sure, he may think of you from time to time but that is probably not what you are hoping for.

 

2. He wants to get back together.

If he wants you back, no contact will probably work on him. He will probably start to miss you.

What I am trying to say here is that no contact does not work 100% of the time. There is no easy way for you to know whether your boyfriend has started to miss you.

Also, as mentioned earlier, there is no point getting him back if it is still the same old relationship because he will probably leave you again soon.

 

The Purpose Of No Contact Is Not To Make Him Miss You

In the first place, no contact is not meant to be used as a tactic to get your ex boyfriend to miss you. NC is supposed to be used purely as a tool for healing. This is because most people will be very emotional just after a break up. Dealing with an ex during this period of time is not going to make the situation better and may even make the situation worse.

Of course, it is very possible that your boyfriend will start missing you after a few weeks of no contact. But as mentioned above, it can also go the other way.

 

You Will Be The One Getting Hurt If You Resort To Mind Games

You may not like what I am going to say but I am still going to say it.

If you are trying to make your ex boyfriend miss you by using no contact, you are actually playing a mind game, whether you are aware of it or not.

You are actually trying to manipulate your boyfriend. You are actually trying to play with his feelings.

When you are playing this type of mind games, it is going to cause you a lot of mental sufferings. Why is that so?

Well, because in your mind, you will keep on asking yourself whether your boyfriend has started to miss you. You will keep on asking yourself whether the no contact is working. Unfortunately, you do not know the answer.

You see. No contact is supposed to be used as a tool for healing. When you keep on asking yourself whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, how are you going to heal? You are just going to feel worse with all these internal dialogue going on in your head.

That is why I never encourage people to use no contact to get an ex back or to make an ex miss you. No contact is all about you. It is never about your ex.

 

Your Mindset Makes A Big Difference!

Now, I want to make sure that you understand this very clearly.

There is nothing wrong with No Contact. It is how you use No Contact that makes the difference! It is your mindet that makes the difference!

If you are simply using No contact to heal yourself and recover from the break up without worrying about whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, you are going to feel so much better. In this case, you are not playing games.

If you are using No contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you, you are trying to play games. Because of that, you will find it hard to calm your mind down. Now, your own mind is playing games with you. You are always wondering whether he is missing you and just that thought alone will make you nervous.

Can you see the difference now?

It is the exactly the same No Contact.

But your mindset is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or worse.

 

Your Boyfriend May Start To Miss You Without You Doing Anything

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that your boyfriend may start to miss you even if you don’t try to make him miss you.

That is based on the assumption that he still wants you back.

So if you are using No Contact for the right purpose, which is to heal yourself, you may be happy to find that your boyfriend has started to miss after after these few weeks of no contact, especially if you want him back too.

And because you have used No Contact for the right purpose, you are starting to feel better. You have a clearer mind. You will be in a much better position to connect with your boyfriend.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend has no intention to get back with you in the first place, no amount of no contact is going to make him miss you.

In this case, if you are using No Contact for the wrong purpose of making him miss you, you are just wasting your time, not to mention that you will probably feel worse when you realize that No Contact is not working.

 

Missing You Does Not Mean Want You Back

I find it really weird when some “relationship gurus” say that in order to get your ex back, you need to make him miss you.

Nothing is further from the truth.

There are a few key areas you need to focus on in order to save your relationship. I talked about them in this article. Making your ex boyfriend miss you is definitely not one of them.

After all,  just because your ex misses you doesn’t mean he want you back.

Don’t believe me? It is very easy to prove.

If you have been in several relationships in the past, I am sure there are some exes that you do miss from time to time. However, you have absolutely no intention of getting back together with them. In fact, you probably don’t entertain the thought of having a relationship with them again in the future.

There are also many reasons why your ex may start missing you. Maybe he misses the friendship. Or maybe he misses the sex. So if you invite him for a booty call, he will say yes. Committed relationship? No way!

The point I want to drive across to you is this.

You are here probably because you want your ex back. And I am here to tell you that making your ex miss you is the wrong strategy to focus on. You are going to learn a much better approach to get your ex back when you sign up for my newsletter below.

 

Don’t Get Involved In Their Games

I am guessing that you do not believe in mind games in the first place. Unfortunately, there are so many websites that encourages people to play mind games or use psychological tactics to get an ex back.

Hopefully, you will not get involved in those games. Even if those mind games do work in the short run and help you get your boyfriend back, they won’t help you get to the root of the problems in your relationship.

While I was conducting my research on this topic, I saw so many people posting in various forums, saying that no contact has helped them got their ex back. But you know what? Within a short period of time, they broke up again.

Playing games is definitely not going to help anyone build a long lasting and loving relationship!

Don’t play mind games and use ineffective strategies to get your ex back. You will end up wasting a few months without seeing any result.

If you want to learn the correct strategies to focus on so that you can actually start seeing progress and get your ex back faster, you can sign up for my newsletter below.

 

168 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Miss You

  1. My ex deleted me on all social media because he said it “hurt to much”. I want him to see how well I’m doing. I know he cares A LOT. what do I do

  2. Hi Mark,
    I am reaching the end of 30 days NC period and my ex did not contact me. I read your post and not sure if I shall make first move or lot. Our relationship is only 3 months. Because we are in different cities we saw each other not more than 10 times. Every time we met to chat for a few hours and then had a meal together. I don’t really know much about him but I do really enjoyed our chat and found we had a lot of common interests. I like him but it so hurts me when he breaks up with me. The reason is he can’t see how I would fit into his plan to Japan plus he is not prepared to commit to someone yet. The break up come a week after he said I was important to him and sometimes he held up feelings to not show how much he loved to be with me. When I looked back to our relationship, I was disappointed that he was extremely selfish. He is not the caring person who I first like. He never followed through what he said. He never paid for a date though he always said he will return the favour next time. I never knew when is the next time we will meet. He always said he will contact me when to meet next. It made me unhappy and insecure as I don’t know when he will contact me and if I miss him shall I contact him. But I still miss him, I wished he could contact me back. However, on the other hand I thought even I can get him back he will hurt me again. I know as soon as I start to contact him, all the memories will come back, not only good ones but also bad ones. I wondered if I am Japanese he wouldn’t break up with me like this. Ever after he texted me to break up I replied I can understand. He said thanks. Then we never contacted each other again. Not because I am so pride that he has to apologize. It is because I am so hurt and I don’t want to be hurt again. However, after 30 days I am still missing our chat. Do you think I shall contact him after NC? Does him worth me the effort?

    • From what you say, he isn’t really into this relationship. It is probably better for you to move on. Find a guy who will treat you better.

      • Hi Mark,
        Thank you for your reply. I think you are right. Though sometimes I felt that he really wants the relationship to continue as he respects my decision to wait for sex. He is only a caring person in the first few weeks of our relationship and then he seems not to reply my text as often as before. I was really depressed and confused but I have to admit that he maybe only look for fun with Asian girls. A week before our break up, he was still saying he wanted to be with me now and as long as we can be no matter with or without sex. He also promised to go hiking together. How can a guy changed so suddenly? So all our pleasant time together is just the time he is hiding himself to be a different person. Once he loses patient and can’t wait for sex, he will leave?

        • Not all guys are like that. Anyway, try to look at the bright side of things.

          At least you get to see the nature of this relationship earlier rather than later.

          I think you did the right thing by withholding sex. After sex, things get really messy because of the depth of emotions involved and people’s judgement often get clouded

          At least, I can see that you are still able to think rationally about your situation.

          Anyway, wish you all the best! I am sure the right guy is waiting for you somewhere and hope you will meet him soon.

  3. I don’t think “friends with benefits” is a good idea. Think about it this way. If he can have sex with you without commitment, why would he want to get into a committed relationship with you again.

    The first thing you have to do is to stop sleeping with him.

    • I don’t think that is the real reason for the break up. Probably something deeper than that. For example, what leads to the argument? What makes you call him all that?

      As you mentioned, you have begged and pleaded with him for an entire month. So it is probably better for you to leave him alone for a while until both of you are more calm and ready to talk.

      But do take note. No contact is not going to help you get your ex back without resolving all those underlying issues.

      So while you are not in contact with him, take some time to think about these issues when you are less emotional.

  4. My ex broke up with me last june 18 because he caught me chatting my ex bf from new zealand because he was helping me financially for my family and myself aswell. I was chatting him for almost 1 year and my bf and i been together for almost 4 years now. My ex was angry as hell and broke up with me. I tried to explain everything to him bracause we no longer have any relationship were just friends though in my chat we had sweet talks and i think thats normal because he was helping me. I showed him screenshots as a proof that we wont talk again and its done helping me beacuse my bf knows it. He didnt understand why i did that and i feel really guilty because my ex was a good bf to me. After 1 week we tried to get back together then he gave me 3 weeks to try again and to gain his trust. I did everything to be a good and sweet gf on him but then i found out he was entertaining this girl from his chemistry classm. I feel horrible because i thought he was trying his best too but then he cheated on me. According to him They dont have any relationship she is just his rebound. Then after 3 weeks he broke up with me. He told me he tried his best to get back to normal but he no longer trust me and he didnt love me anymore. I know its my fault but i never cheated on him for another relationship. I kept secret because i love him and i dont want to worry about anything and i know i was wrong and i regret everything that i did. I love him so much and i want him again. After we broke up i keep on txtng,calling and fb message him for 1week but hes ignoring me until he blocked me on fb. Now im tired until i read about the no contact rule. Then on aug 10 is our 4th year anniversary and im planning to surprise him after the nc rule instead of txting him. I hope it works. I really miss him. Any advice guys? I feel so horrible.

    • What are you planning to do to surprise him?

      I don’t think that is a good idea. From the way I see it, you have been texting, calling and fb messaging him to the extent that he decided to block you on fb.

      Then you decided to go no contact for a while. And after no contact, you suddenly try to surprise him.

      It is sort of like starting from a HIGH (keep on contacting him) then to a low (no contact) and then to a HIGH (trying to surprise him) again if you understand what I mean.

      It may make you look too needy and desperate if you do so. It will probably be better if you start off more gradually. You may want to send a simple text message instead just to check how he is doing.

      If he doesn’t reply immediately, don’t lose control and start bombarding him with more messages.

  5. Actually, I think this relationship has a good chance. From what you shared, he obviously still has feelings for you.

    You actually answered the question yourself. He still has feelings for you but he is afraid of getting back together if the same thing is going to happen again.

    So now the question is, are you doing anything to work on your jealousy issue? Until he is convinced that you have changed, he is not going to get back into the relationship.

    I wouldn’t recommend you to go no contact or ignore him completely. It may make the situation worse.

    If you are not ready to initiate contact, at least pick up his call and reply his messages.

    Also, try to make your interaction with him more positive and friendly. Maybe I am wrong but I have the impression that your conversation with him has been quite negative so far.

    For example, when you found out that he talked to that girl, it is actually not a good idea to confront him. After all, at that point, he has broken up with you. So he has the rights to talk to anyone.

    So just take note of that.

    Patience is the key here. If jealousy is really the main issue, you need to spend time working on it. It will also take time to convince him that you have changed for the better.

  6. I used to date this guy 5 years ago, I was 19 at the time. This is mostly to me a religious thing. We ended up separating because he recieved an internship to Disney. I wanted him to persue his dream. And I believed at the time we were too young to have a relationship. We had an amazing relationship. I really didn’t want him to go. This was truely a love at first site type of relationship. Years later I am in the military and in a relationship in VA. I decided to call him because I really missed him. I just didn’t want to step on his toes. He said he missed me too. I decided to step out on my current relationship and go see him. While visiting we fell back into were we were before. But because of the military I had to go back home to VA. His family told me he had been waiting on me for 5 years and that he really wants to marry me. We are very open with each other but when it comes to our hurt in the relationship we only wish the best for each other. I came back to VA and told my current (long distance relationship) that I cheated on him. Hoping that would help him to move on and away. I know this is wrong, but it was all really sudden. My current relationship just told me that God told him we should be together. We broke up. Weeks later we got back together because I felt so bad as this is my first time cheating and breaking a heart. I am still in this relationship because he supports me financially and he is very fragile. My ex lives in Louisianna and now has a beautiful girlfriend which breaks my heart because I know we still love each other. He is 26 and I am 25 now. I am ready as ever to be with him. I am scared that he will fall in love with this woman. What do I do?

    • How was your relationship with your current boyfriend all along? What caused you to start missing your first love? Was it because of problems in the current relationship? Or did you miss him all the while?

  7. I just broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago and I didnt receive any calls or text from him up to now. I called him right after the breakup but the phone was switched off (I dont know). We broke up because I told him that our relationship is not working because of my family, they dont like him that much..he was also too tired of my being bossy to him, he said that directly to me…and also my friends and colleagues dont like him as well…he is younger than me, but he loves me that much, i know it….but I really miss him…what can i do? How can I get to know if he misses me too?

  8. On the surface, it may seems like the text message is responsible for pushing her away. But I don’t think so. There is an underlying reason.

    You mentioned that she was in an abusive relationship. So that is probably the real reason. She has been emotionally wounded.

    Subconsciously, she may not trust men and just doesn’t believe that she deserves to be in a healthy relationship.

    She is afraid of being hurt again. That is why she erected a wall around her heart to protect herself. In fact, she has already told you so as you have mentioned.

    Put it this way. If you want to get her back, you need to find a way to draw her out emotionally. And this is not an easy task.

    It depends on how badly she is hurt.

    If it is just a mild case, you just need to be patient and keep on showing her your unconditional love and support. Slowly win her trust and she will eventually open up to you.

    If she was hurt really badly, she may need help from a therapist. You may have to find an appropriate moment to mention it to her.

    It is hard for me to tell whether it is final or she just needs more time.

    But I will encourage you to assume the latter for three reasons.

    First, she has been in an abusive relationship in the past. So it is only normal that she will need time to get over it.

    Second, she has told you that there is a possibility for a fresh start in the future. If she really wants to end the relationship with you for good, she wouldn’t have told you this.

    Of course, there is always the possibility that she just doesn’t want to hurt you or she is just stringing you along. But I don’t think so. From your description, I can see that she has been very honest with you.

    Third, I have a feeling that you will regret not giving the relationship at least one last try.

    Personally, I think there is still hope for the relationship.

    However, it is not going to be easy. Nothing worth achieving is easy. You have to be very strong emotionally.

    Put it this way, she is now emotionally weak. She needs a man who is strong enough to be her pillar of support.

    So to win her back, you may have to put your emotions aside and help her break her emotional walls.

    I don’t think it will be helpful if I tell you what I will do.

    After all, this is your relationship and you have to decide for yourself what you are going to do. You have to decide whether you want to go after her and how long you want to try.

    I can only tell you that there are men in similar situation as you who has been successful but it does take a lot of persistence and of course emotional strength.

    It is definitely going to be painful and there is no guarantee that you will succeed. But isn’t this life?

    You can certainly go no contact for a while if you need some time to heal and think about what you want.

    One thing to take note. Unfriending her in Facebook is a really bad idea. And it is also not a good idea to add any girls as your friends for now even if you are just ordinary friends.

    As mentioned, she may have trust issues with men. By doing so, you are confirming her thoughts about “See, I know men cannot be trusted.”

    If possible, try not to login to Facebook for the time being unless you have a good reason for doing so such as work purposes.

    I see so many people making all kinds of mistakes on Facebook when they are trying to get their ex back. To prevent yourself from making the same mistake, the best way is not to login in the first place.

    But don’t worry too much about the mistakes already made. Just be sure not to make the same mistakes again. I don’t think that is the deal breaker even though she has ‘confirmed her decision’. It just means you may have to work harder to win her trust again.

  9. Hi Mark,
    My ex and I had been together for nearly 4 years. We got engaged last year and moved in together earlier this year. We’ve always fought as most couples do, but we would go through phases where the fighting drastically escalated. This had resulted in us breaking up a few times. It never lasted more than 2 weeks however. We would work it out and get through the issues.

    Shortly after moving in together, we seemed to hit one of our phases again but it was much more amplified due to the fact of us being around each other so often. Things became very tumultuous. Slowly, they settled and seemingly started to dissipate. At least the arguing.

    Well, out of the blue he texted me one day that he was moving out. It set me in a panic. It was totally unexpected. I cried and begged. Did all the things I’ve know you shouldn’t do. But he insisted he was leaving. The cruelest irony is that before that point, I was so angry at him that I really didn’t know if I wanted to be with him anymore. But once he was really gone, I realized how wrong I was. How much I did love him.

    Anyways, he left. And refused to even speak to me. I called. I texted. Much, much more than I should have. I was so distraught. And he would never respond more than just to say he was done, etc.

    Well nearly a month of this passed. And just when I was truly starting to lose hope, he began talking to me. It was polite. Friendly. Even flirtatious. I was elated. He even started coming by to see me. Of course, despite my better judgement, we would have sex. This continued for awhile. He would text me. All the while I was encouraging him to get back together with me. And at times he would say he did love me and was thinking about it. And then some days he would tell me to move on. The cycle continued.

    After so long of this, I became impatient and angry. Felt like I was being toyed with. I sent him a belligerent text expressing this. To which he replied that he was not using me and that he loved me and still loved me but that we could not be together. And he would cut off all contact because that would be for the better. And he did. He would not speak to me. I became desperate. A total wreck. Again, I began calling. Texting. Begging and crying. And I heard nothing. I began to lose the effort to text. It started to feel hopeless. So I did. For several days. I sent him one text saying I love you and to my surprise he text me back. Hes been texting me now and then. They are causal and brief. Not flirtatious as before.

    I truly do love my ex and I want more than anything to have a chance with him again. I don’t want to push him away. But I don’t want to set myself up for more pain. I don’t know what his intentions are. And I truly do not know how to proceed. I’m well aware of the no contact rule. However, apart of me is so fearful he will erase me from his mind and really move on.

    For all I know, maybe he already has and I just don’t want to accept it.

    • 4 years is not a short time. It is considered long enough for a man to decide whether he wants to commit to a woman.

      You mentioned about being engaged and moving in together. It seems to me that after moving in together, he has finally decided that this is not the relationship he wants.

      You are probably right about him using you. When he wants to have sex with you, he will flirt with you. Yet he doesn’t want to get back together after having sex with you. He seems to be playing mind games on you.

      He said he loves you but I doubt so. I am just telling you from a man’s perspective as I am a guy after all. A man who truly loves a woman will not treat her that way.

      Sometimes, it is about setting a minimum standard for yourself. You have to decide that you deserve to be treated with respect in a relationship.

      If a man doesn’t respect you and is playing mind games on you, then you know he is not worthy of your love.

      I would advice you to move on. It maybe a painful decision but holding on to the relationship is even worse.

  10. hmmm my bf broke up with me with reasons lyk I. don’t tell him things.I don’t respect him well.I insult him at every lil misunderstanding
    what I Dnt understand is that he said he his breaking up so he wud be able to watch me if am going to change my attitudes but I don’t understand what he meant by that he also said we sud be friends after the break up we continued talking but cudnt bear the pains in my heart that he his not mine so I decided to go on a no contact with him its just the fourth day do u think what am doing is right cause I would love to have him back

    • Well, do you want him back permanently?

      A man will not want to be in a relationship where he is not respected and insulted all the time. I believe you know what to do? It is just a matter of whether you want to change yourself.

      Hope you don’t mind me saying this. I think you love yourself more than you love him. Even at this point, you are trying to manipulate him and make him miss you.

      I don’t think no contact is the right thing to do. Not for your situation.

      By doing no contact, you are just telling your boyfriend that you have not changed.

  11. Hi Mark,

    I’ve just broke up with my first boyfriend of close to 5 years two weeks ago. He initiated the break as he felt that I’m not the one for him anymore and we are not compatible. He said he still loves me but not like before, and he don’t see a future in us. He said he has think through for year for him to make this decision but all along he didn’t tell me about his thoughts before. We still dated the day before he told me he wanted to break and everything seems fine. To me I just feel that our relationship was not as passionate as before but it was ok because I thought he would still love me anyway. So it was very difficult for me to accept his decision at the beginning. I tried to beg him to stay but he said I will just tie his hands up tighter. He wants to be free and doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. After several tries, I gave up because he was so determine. I entered the deverstated mode, thinking that we will not ever contact each other again, I have losed him forever even as a friend. Days after the break was spent at home crying and crying. I just can’t believe how heartless and different he became just over a night. I kept trying to make him stay because he will be leaving to somewhere really far away to presue his studies, I didn’t want to waste any chance that could get him back. But he was really determine to leave the relationship. Finally I gave up two days before he leaves, we met and I got so fed up with him being so firm and I just walk off without saying goodbye. I was back to feeling all deverstated again. I thought I wouldn’t meet him again, and wouldn’t send him off. On the day that he leaves, he wanted to meet me to have a proper goodbye. I didn’t want to at the beginning but end up I didn’t want him to feel regret too, so I agreed to it. However for no reason, just before I met him, I suddenly think through. I decided to move on, try to let him go and improve on myself for my own benefit. I will spend more time loving myself as in the past I put in all my effort, love and time on him. I told him if one day we meet again, if I still love him, and he finds the new me attractive, we might get back together. But we will see how things go, let things happen naturally. Told him my thoughts when we met and he was happy with my sudden change of mindset and agreed to the idea that if next time we might get back together but let thing goes naturally. We even hugged and kissed that day like usual. I finally decided to send him off at the airport and we even keep chatting even until the moment his plane take off.
    So it has been a week since he left now, we have been chatting everyday. He said now he thinks that we are possible in the future as he see really drastic change in my personally and mindset. I became more positive and cheerful. He said he starting to like me and attracted to me. Our conversations were even happier than when we were together. However, just yesterday, day 6 after he left, things on my side screwed up again. Because yesterday he texted me the first thing he woke up, I was so happy and excited. After we chatted non-stop in the morning(his time zone, 6hrs behind), he suddenly stopped talking to me as he was busy but he would just disappear for long time. I would be just waiting for his reply and did nothing. When I text him again to ask if he was busy, he would then tell me he was doing something and couldn’t reply. So I told him to tell me when he is caught up with something and couldn’t talk so I wouldn’t have to wait for hours. He apologies and agreed to it. But in the evening he disappeared again. I waited patiently for him, when to take a nap so I could talk to him till morning(my time zone). End up he didn’t text me back at all after a few hours until I texted him. We talked for awhile about us, as I felt really confused. We talked so often and sometimes about intimate stuff, but we are not together. I felt that we are more than friends but not couple at all. So I asked him about his thinking towards us, he said maybe we are moving too fast but he still emotionally not wanting to try anything new yet. Then I asked him why and he disappeared again. I waited for 3hrs and got worried for him. Finally I decided to go to bed as it’s already morning at my side. I dropped him a long text telling him my feelings and stuff. He finally replied and said he is out at a pub with his new friends and he didn’t see my text. I got really pissed at that time. He could have told me he will be away and I don’t have to wait for him. He didn’t say a single word and just left, I felt that he doesn’t even respect me as a person and as a girl who still loves him. He will forget about everything els when he is having fun. I felt so betrayed as I trusted him that he would at least tell me not to wait because he knows I will be waiting. Now I felt that those effort we put in in the past 6 days was vanished. Our conversation ended on such a bad note. Now I’m unsure what should I do next about us, how to get back on that happy conversation again? I see such a good progress and I didn’t want it to change before of the incident last night. Will he thinks that I’m being ridiculous and restraining him again even though I’m not his girlfriend anymore? Will he change his mind and goes back to his perception that things won’t work between us? I’m really confused and troubled now… Please advice!!!

    • Hi Kay,

      It is important to know what you are getting yourself into.

      There is a possibility that you will never get him back even if you do everything right that is within your control.

      Knowing this, I will leave it to you to decide whether to move on or to try getting him back.

      If you still decided to try getting your ex back, here are the things you should take note:

      First, you need to accept the fact that you have already broken up. As you mentioned, he has already thought about breaking up for one year. So his decision is definitely final.

      You may not agree with his decision but you need to accept it.

      In other words, he is no longer your boyfriend. So you cannot expect him to behave like your boyfriend and talk to you all the time.

      He has no obligation to report to you his every movement. Even a boyfriend wouldn’t want a girlfriend to keep track of his every activity, let alone an ex.

      If you have such expectation from him, it will only push him away. Basically, you are trying to move too fast.

      Remember, he is at most a friend now. Therefore, you should not have any expectation from him or else it will only lead to more disappointment.

      When you tell him that you are moving on, working on yourself and let nature take its course, you suddenly become more attractive to him.

      But your action does not match your words. You are lying to yourself and you have not truly moved on. Instead you are spending the whole day waiting for his message.

      This is desperation and it is not attractive.

      I know it may sound counter intuitive but if you really want to have a chance to get him back, you really need to move on.

      You really need to be working on yourself. This should be your main project. Messaging and talking to your ex boyfriend should be a side project.

      Until you have truly moved on, it is probably not a good idea to talk to your ex boyfriend unless he contacts you first. If not, you will end up making the same mistakes again.

      • He sounds controlling like he’s playing mind games . I’m saying this in a nice way your trying too hard instead do things you like singing dancing exercises just to get your mind off everything and find what makes you happy and move forward live life maybe he will maybe he won’t come back but life moves on for the better and your future is lookin bright never give up hope but never settle to be a door mat whenever he feel like he want you hope this helps

  12. Hi Mark
    I broke up with my boyfriend last summer. We were so great together but eventually I decided to go away because he said that he doesn’t have any intention or future .. He is just respects me and adores our friendship. I always treated him as a friend but there is a part of me loves him and he surely likes me so much. We have been together for 3 years. I understand that is hard to get married to me because of our different culture. I miss him a lot .. now we are apart and without contact for month and couple weeks.

  13. Hey Mark,
    My ex boyfriend wants to stay friends and says that I’m his bestfriend. He says that he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore but he still kisses me on lips whenever we meet. He says he loves kissing me. I love him alot but I really don’t get if he still loves me or not?

    • It is the typical “I love you but I am not in love with you”.

      The fact that he loves kissing you means he still enjoy your company but just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

  14. ok thanks for the help Mark but is there any chances of him coming back in my life? he says that he doesn’t want me now but he doesn’t know about the future. And says he doesn’t want any girl in his life for now because of his studies. he says I was his first and last love. then how his feelings can die so easily? should I stop him from kissing me b/c it’s making me fall more for him? what does this mean? please help!

    • The future is uncertain. He may or may not come back. In fact, there are so many possibilities.

      Just to list a few. Maybe he will meet a new girl. Maybe you will meet another man. Maybe both of you will go through several relationships and after years find yourself back together again.

      Respect his decision. You cannot force someone to want you back.

      It is normal for feelings to die off. It happens all the time in relationship. Just google “5 stages of a relationship”. Basically, your relationship didn’t get past the first stage, which is the “infatuation” phase.

      Yes, you should stop him from kissing you. Just be honest with him and tell him how it affects you emotionally if you continue to let him kiss you.

      After all, his is no longer your boyfriend. So he shouldn’t have the privilege to kiss you as and when he wants.

      Whether you should stay friends with him depends on your emotional strength. You can read my article about this topic here.

      Focus on having a life of your own. That will make you a more attractive woman.

  15. I’m only 16. I dated a guy for about 5 months after getting out of a 2 year relationship I thought I would never get over. The beginning of the relationship was really rocky due to me being really messed up about my last relationship but in time I began to trust him. He would take me by the hand and tell me he loved me so much and there’s no mistake I could make to ever make him leave of change his feelings for me-unless I cheated. Anytime we got into a little agreement he would stop replying to me or he’d finally answer my FaceTime call then wouldn’t talk or look at me he would just be blasting music. It didn’t happen often though. Anyway, I was always at his house or he was put with me somewhere and we were very happy. We’ll over the summer probably two months after we began to date I went to a camp where long story short a GIRL kissed me against my will and it was so quick I did not have time to stop it. When I came home I told him and he said it doesn’t bother him. We’ll more happy amazing dates and promises..then when school started I got really frustrated about never being able to see him (different schools) as much anymore so we would fight- but we were still in love. Before we hit 5 months I began telling him things I had been holding in out of fear he would leave. Like that I want a future with him. Then I thought if this was going to be serious he had to know the last thing I was keeping from him.. The day that the girl kissed me was on his birthday. He stopped texting me after I told him. So…not knowing what to do I blew up his phone. He would read them and not reply. The next afternoon he said he had exaggerated and he told me he loved every much. But..the next day he wasn’t really replying much so I gave him space. The next day after no texts are calls that afternoon I finally messaged him and was sorta rude because I was hurting… Like bad. And he told me that he has been taking to people who have been cheated on and he doesn’t think we can be happy again now and heist sure this will work out. Ouch. And I didn’t even cheat… Then I did something bad. I went into his iMessage account that he trusted me with the password to.. And he texted “how do I do it?” To a girl who doesn’t like me one bit. I knew what he meant. How do I dump her? It hurt bad so I messaged him a long message about how I felt about him and then said “..and I know you want to leave so I love you so much.. Bye ” and he replied “I love you too..” Then he texted the girl and said “I did it.” And started messaging more people saying we broke up because I made out with a girl at camp and he told them about how bad he as hurting. So I got mad and felt betrayed and started messaging him mean things. He ignored my messages later texted people that he kinda likes this girl… Oh. How long had this sweet caring “I’m never leaving you I want to marry you” guy been looking at another girl..? I remember me and him at his dad’s one night and we were cuddling then he started telling me how much he loves me and starts sniffling then I see he’s crying and he’s like “oh god this is so embarrassing I just love u so much and never want to lose you.” Anyway I them posted a picture of me smiling and talking about another guy and all go a sudden he wants me back.. I dunno why I did it.. I was just hurt and wanted to take a jab at him because I felt so broken. So I agreed to go back with him..it hurt he only wanted me beaches he was jealous but I loved him so much… I didn’t want to be without him. Next day we were trying to work things out and I new I wouldn’t be able to do this with a huge lie on my chest. I told him about me reading his messages. He got mad and left me. Said he cannot believe I did that. It’s been 5 days no contact and he seems happy on social media… He may even be seeing that other girl or talking to her idk… I just miss him. I’m grounded for the rest of the school year so I cannot contact him except thru letters or I’ll never get my phone back. What do I do. Have I lost him forever? He has all his friends against me too so…

    • Today a girl that is best friends with the girl he likes messages him and asked if he still loved me. I did not ask her to do this!! And he said “yes and no. I do but she’s done so much to ruin everything.” I don’t know whether to send him a letter or keep up the no contact and If I send him a letter what could I say?

    • Hi Nikki,

      You must be going through a tough time. Right now, you may want to take a step back. Stop contacting him for a while because you are just too emotional now. When you are too emotional, you won’t be able to stop yourself from making all kinds of mistakes and doing all the things that you shouldn’t be doing. Doing things such as logging into his account will make you look like a stalker.

      Take this time to let your emotions settle down. If you try to contact him now, there is a very high possibility that your emotions will cause you to make all the same mistakes again.

      Also, take the time to reflect on this relationship and your life in general. You are only 16. You are still young. Is this really the right time to be in a relationship? Are your parents aware of your relationship? Hopefully, you don’t allow this relationship to affect your grades in school.

      I don’t want to make a sweeping statement saying that all teenage relationships don’t last because that is not exactly true. I know there are people who get married at 18 and are still happily married decades later. However, those are really the exception rather than the norm. Most people just don’t have the emotional maturity to maintain a healthy relationship at this age.

      If possible, you may want to talk to adults whom you can trust. Obviously, you should talk to those who are in a healthy relationship themselves or at least seem to be wise enough to give you good advice. They will be able to help you put things in perspective.

  16. Hi i hope you respond sooner. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and husband of 1 year almost 2. So almost a total of 5 years together we have two kids together! i called it off because all he did was abuse me. i hated it and finally ended it but why do i hurt so much and how do i get over it? i don’t want him back but it just hurts. I want it too stop and i don’t want to respond to his ” how are the kids ” messages because it just hurts so much and i feel like im the only one hurting and in pain. He seems to be doing just fine without me. I don’t want him back but i want him to hurt as much as i am i guess deep down i want him to miss me as much as i miss him. i have blocked him on every site because i just cant deal with him liking other girls pictures and whatever. i guess i just need something to help me get over it because having him back and wanting him back is just a waste of my time and not even worth going through the abuse again i need something.. Please help.

    • Sorry to hear what you have been through. One possible reason why you find it so hard to get over him is because a part of you simply don’t want to. You are still holding on to something that no longer exist. For example, perhaps you are still thinking of the man who was so sweet to you in the beginning of the relationship.

      You cannot understand why the man who used to be so loving is now so nasty. The key is to look at the situation as it is now rather than live in the past. The fact is, he is now a man who abuses you. So, physically, you have made the right decision by ending the relationship. Now is time to end the relationship mentally and accept that the past is the past.

      Let go of any hatred you have towards him. Don’t wish him to suffer as much as you or make him miss you as much as you miss him. These negative feelings will make it harder for you to let go.

      Instead, wish him the best. Let him go and have the freedom to do whatever he wants. The first step to letting go is simply to decide to let go.

  17. I love the article. A lot of sources say to use NC but the big problem is that if the guy does not want to be with you, then it will definitely not solve anything and only make him feel happier with his decision.
    I got through an extremely rough break-up of two years and living together. We spent every moment together. I was blind-sided and I’m heartbroken.
    Of course, I really want to know if he misses me or not. The thing is though, since I’m going to use NC (a big piece of that is to do it just for me), how will I know if he misses me or not?? I won’t be in contact with him to actually know… if it’s been a couple of months, should I start to check his social media (assuming he doesn’t try to contact me)?
    It’s only been a day since we broke up so I haven’t exercised NC for long (except for occasionally when I’ve travelled while currently in the relationship for a few weeks).
    Should I be the first one to contact him if he didn’t contact me within a couple of months?
    How long should I wait for him to contact me before thinking that he really has no interest in me and where should I go from here?
    Thank you so much for reaching out to me..

    • How long or whether to even use no contact depends on the reasons for the break up. Is it loss of feelings, something like “I love you but I am no longer in love with you”? If that is the case, you can go no contact for 30 days. I wouldn’t recommend couple of months. By then the relationship is probably gone for good. Assuming that you are the one who wants him back, then you will have to contact him if he didn’t contact you after the no contact period.

      I will not encourage you to check his social media account. Usually, people who do so tend to over analyze everything their ex is doing on FB. For example, your ex may just add a girl and that girl may just be a normal friend. But you may end up thinking he is dating her and react out of jealousy.

    • My live in boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. Prior to the break up we went on a break so that he can get his life in order. Although he loved me and believed that I was the one, we had a fight one night and he ended things for good. Since then we have seen each other once, he came to my graduation event to show me that he still cares about me. A week earlier when I called him to apologise he told me that he loves me and that he is open to the possibility of one day getting back together. When I did see him, he was very affectionate, prolonged hugging, he kept on holding me to keep me warm, called me old pet names, told me that I looked beautiful etc. Suddenly he needed to go because this was not good for him. We seem to be on good terms, but are still broken up. When we went on the break it was with the intention of having space so that we can eventually find each other again. And we are still facebook official, neither one of us has taken it down. What is happening??? And what should I do next?

      • You mentioned he was trying to get his life in order. What happened to him? As much as a man loves you, he may decide to leave a relationship if there is a major problem in his life. For example, let say he loses his job, he may feel worthless or have low self esteem. He will think he doesn’t deserve to be together with you or think he can’t take care of you.

        And what was the argument about? A possible explanation of his hot and cold behavior is this. On one hand, he loves you. On the other hand, he is hesitant to get back together because he doesn’t want the same thing to happen again and lead to another breakup.

        • He failed some of his university courses, and he lost a lot of friends whilst spending his time with me, and he stopped playing football. Basically he lost a sense of self with me. The argument was basically just as he said he had a ‘watershed moment’ that it was not working and then just ended it. He is also worried about his potential job prospects, and having to do an additional CFA.

          Umm he arranged a trial basis for a cleaner for our apartment for tomorrow so he needs to be here from 9 to 5 so he says. Thereafter he says that we need to have a chat. What should I expect? He flirts with me slightly over IM, but then just stops texting. He has been texting me all week about arranging for this cleaner.

        • Don’t worry too much about the meeting. One single meeting is unlikely going to change anything. So just relax.

          Focus on what causes the breakup. From what you said, it seems like you were spending too much time together with each other before breaking up? Why is that so?

          Being together all the time and neglecting other areas of life is unhealthy.

    • Hi Ella,

      I have written one article that is relevant to your situation. Basically, you have fallen victim to “chemistry” and “wishful thinking”. You can read the article I have written here. Just read the section on “Chemistry” and “Wishful Thinking”.

      Don’t feel bad about it. Treat this as a lesson learned so that you will not make the same mistake again in the future.

      Because of chemistry, you can’t think straight and you end up falling in love with a man who doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

      Because of wishful thinking, you decided to stay in the relationship because you somehow hope that he will change his mind. Unfortunately, men don’t change unless they want to.

      Because of wishful thinking, you still hope to get back together with him. You hope that someday, he will suddenly want to be your boyfriend. Unfortunately, that is probably not going to happen, at least not now. Maybe in a few years time, but definitely not anytime soon.

      You should move on and don’t think about him anymore. It is not going to lead to anything meaningful. Men don’t change unless there is a big enough reason.

  18. hi mark

    im a gay man. im not sure whether my bf wanna get back together or not. after the broke up, he asked us to remain only being friend. but i still can feel that he still care of me. i just met him today and he said he is tired and let just meet each other once a month. does NC rule apply to my case? can i get him back?

    • It is better to meet once a month than not to meet at all. If you decide to go NC, what if he decided not to meet anymore? Consider the risk first before jumping straight into no contact.

      What was the reason for breaking up? Tired means relationship just fizzled out? How long have you been together?

      • wow. that’s amazing to hear from u, mark. highly appreciate your effort into this.

        Actually im very depressed and hopeless to get him back coz during our ten months period, It was up and down like roller coaster. I’ve cheated on him and destroy his trust on me. I had involved in a very complex relationship since i drag him into a triangle love and we had so many fights. Even though now i choose him and swear wit god not to lie him anymore and be everything he want of me, he still reject me and demand for breakup. i know im a total wrongdoer and deserve to be blamed. What else can i do to get him back, mark?

        • Treat this as a start of a new relationship with him. That old relationship is dead. So what you are trying to do is to build a better relationship this time round.

          It takes time to build up the trust again. Be patient, it cannot be rushed. You can start from the small things. If you make any promises, make sure you keep them no matter how small. Don’t date other men during this period. Avoid jealousy tactic or any thing that will destroy trust. Be careful of what you post on Facebook.

          Don’t neglect other areas of your life. You should have your own things going on. That makes you more attractive. Of course, do it for yourself, not for the sake of getting him back. Only then will the change be lasting.

          It is a good thing that he still want to meet you once per month. That way, he will be able to see you becoming a better person month after month and he will start to trust you again. Maybe gradually, he will want to see you more often.

  19. Hi..

    So i am 30yrs old and he is 36. We weren’t dating for a long time…two months but we were so into each other that we basically lived together from day 1 as we just knew that was IT and we didn’t even have one single argument just like in the movies…perfect and very attractive couple. Then he had exams to go, as he is doing extra degree for his job..and he cut me off. Once i came back home, we had a fight about my past thing (not a guy thing) and he all of the sudden moved out with all his stuff. I got super depressed but waited for another 2 weeks for him to do anything.

    Instead he was active everywhere but not towards me. It was enough for me and I broke up. He seemed fine with it. A month later after all of his exams, he calls me to tell me that he made it and he wanted to share it with me so he thought he’d call. Then he showed up in my office out of a blue to hijack me for a dinner. Then he texted few days later that he passes my office again..and then he got awkward….

    same week i am sitting at home, working late, he texts that there is a concert tonight. So i replied cool, you’re going? He answers, no, but you should. Take a friend and go…i was busy with work so i said i am not coming alone or…maybe he wants to go together and he got annoyed that he wanted to let me know his favorite band is playing and that’s it. So ok, i came back to work. Next day at work he made another excuse to pop up and asked if i had his stuff that he left at my place with me. I said no, i have them at home but if he feels like, we can have a coffee. Then he said, he doesn’t know if he can make it…told me do not take this personal but he is not “in mood for meetings”. I replied that if anything happened he can always talk to me (we used to share everything) and got reply that he deals with his own stuff by himself…

    seriously….hot and cold much? What’s that? He wants to stay in touch or what? why is he initiating contact then cutting it? does he want to come back or what? When he saw me it was like on our first date… the feelings are still on…but maybe he is killing them?

    • It is hard for anyone to tell why he is doing this. Can be any reason. Maybe he read some weird get your ex back advice and decided that he needs to play these games in order to get you to chase after him. Or maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants.

      What did you really fight about? How did he cut you off when you were living together? Did he ignore you totally or is it your perception? From what I know about men in general, they have a tendency to compartmentalized their life, to the extent of focusing on one urgent thing and temporarily ignoring other less urgent areas of life. In his case focusing on exams and paying less attention to you.

      So I am just wondering whether you over reacted? Did he totally ignore you during exam? Or did he simply spend less time with you? Maybe I can help you figure out more if you give me more details.

  20. My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me a month ago and up to now I still can’t wrap my head around the reasoning behind our break up.everything was going good, made plans for our future together. A month ago he took a new job it’s for what he studied for. A new line of work for him. Since then our communication became very little to non existent. He said that a relationship is a lot of work, we live at least about 1 away from each other, that driving to see me is exhausting. He used to drive every weekend to stay with me. I told him that I will drive to see him even for a couple of hours to hang out but he made it seem like it’s a chore to meet up with me. He said his got a lot on his plate enough to keep him busy and stressed. That all his focusing on is his career. That we just stay friends until he gets situated. He doesn’t talk to me at all. I really love him and I want what’s best for him. I’m having a hard time moving on. All I do day and night is think of him. I miss him so much. I wanted to text him to tell him how much I miss him but I know it’s not something he wants to hear. The last time I talked to him he told me he hasn’t moved on that his just focused on making money. I tried not to bother him and just hope that one day we’ll get back together.

    • Is his work giving him a lot of stress? Sometimes, men have the tendency to compartmentalize things. In his case, he is still trying to adapt to his new job. So he end up putting all his attention on his job and neglect other areas of his life temporarily. Did you react when he draws away and that’s why he broke up with you or did he just decide to break up with you out of the blue?

      • I supported his decision. I told him I was ok not to see him every weekend that I will wait patiently. But he kept on saying about the distance that separates us, he said it’s hard. He broke up with me out of the blue. No indication whatsoever. He said for us to be just friends that it’s too much for him.

        • Too much to be just friends? One possibility is that he still has so much feelings for you that he can’t bear to stay friends with you. He wants to cut contact so that it is easier for him to move on. Another possibility is he feels guilty and doesn’t want to hurt you further.

          Anyway, if you still want to get him back, you will have a better chance if you cultivate the core skills that I am going to write about in my new article. You can check the announcement here.

          On the other hand, you may also want to take some time to think about whether the relationship is worth saving. You can read this article and see whether it helps.

        • He texted me on Christmas and he said he misses me. He came to see me day after Christmas and hung out for 2 hours. We didn’t talk about our relationship it was just a friendly conversation about work. He wants to plan a day trip for us to go up the mountains with our kids (previous relationships). I get sporadic text messages from him. He tells me with this new job he is broke.

        • Why not go for the trip and just have fun with him and the kids? See whether you can start putting the skills mentioned here into practice.

          For example, instead of worrying about whether he still wants to get back together, just enjoy the scenery or the fresh air. Can also talk about his job and try to understand how he feels etc.

          of course, don’t talk about the relationship unless he is the one who initiated it.

  21. Hi, my boyfriend of 15 months broke up with me out of the blue 3 months ago. I tried the magic letter etc and he responded by text saying he knows I want to get back together and it won’t be happening, sorry.

    He has depression which I knew about (apart from the dr I was the only one who knew) and he ended up having major anxiety attacks a few weeks before he ended our relationship which he sought counselling for. Those anxiety attacks were in relation to how he was treating me, he believed he was treating me badly because he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. Up until a few weeks before that, we had a wonderful relationship, and I deeply love him. I did however put pressure on him to move in together and also to have this xmas with him, and his ex and meet his children. It was a big deal for him to even tell his ex about me even though they have been separated for 8 years because they live in a different state and last time he had a girlfriend she caused him trouble and he’s scared of life being hell and not seeing his kids. He did tell her about me though about 9 months after we were offical so to me I thought that was a massive step. Now I feel like I have pushed him away by trying to force him to take the next steps which in reality the timing or such were not important to me.
    Since then, almost 3 weeks ago, I have initiated no contact. At first I felt good and was hoping it would make me feel better as maybe I was ‘needy’. The last two days I have noticed that I actually miss him, the person and feel dreadful. I believe he is away visiting his kids, and after the message he sent me about us not getting back together I’m scared to contact him and even let him know my feelings as he said we cannot see each other until my feelings for him are gone, maybe after Xmas. I don’t get that..does he think my feelings for him will just go away by the time xmas is over or is that about him?

    Anyway what are your thoughts on the situation and sending him a poilite ‘merry xmas’ text would be?

    Kel4

    • Hey Kel4,

      Don’t worry about the polite ‘merry xmas’ text. In the grand scheme of things, whether you send the text or not is not going to make a big difference.

      Also, don’t worry too much about what he says. What he says is not necessary final. By the way, this is not a good time to tell him about your feelings. It will just push him further away.

      I think my new article will be very relevant to your situation. You can check my announcement here. In that article, I will answer your question in more details.

      • Thank you for the reply! I sent the text but it was a group one and didn’t get a reply, although most people didn’t reply. I also sent a card to his parents in my yearly xmas mail out and wished them the best for the new year. I’m away at the moment and really missing him but have resisted the temptation to message or share my feelings. I look forward to your article being finished.

  22. Hi. Me and my ex split 9 months ago. We were together for 3 years. We have a son together. And the reason we split is because I pushed him away. I didn’t do it on purpose I had a lot going on and was afraid to let him in on it. He is my life. We have split before and got back together again. But this is the longest time we been a part. He’s change his number and email address. He said it wasn’t cause of me. I told him I love him and he said yes I know. I asked if he loves me but never got a reply. He said he hates all this and it’s not what he wanted. I told him its done me the world of good being a part because I had a lot of time to think about what I did. He replied back and said oh thanks it’s not done me any good? .He’s not seeing anyone else he said he has not looked at another woman since me. I know he misses me and the kids loads. Cause every time he brings our son home he stands at the door talking to me. Most men would run and jump. He told me he is unhappy and not sleeping well. I told him he can come back. But deep in his mind he reckons things won’t change. But they have. How can I tell him. I can’t contact him as I have no number. Only time I see my ex is every time he gets our son which is once a fortnight I miss him so much and I definitely have found the one. I don’t want to give up on him no way. He means the world to me and my kids. Please help me

    • You mentioned you have split before and got back together. How many times did that happen? Is the break up always because of the same reason? Have you promised him many times that the situation will change but it still hasn’t?

      If that is the case, it is only normal for him to assume that the situation will never change. No amount of convincing is going to work. Actions speak louder than words. You have to show him that you have changed, not tell him that you have changed.

      I will give you an analogy here. Let say you are extremely tall, you don’t have to go around telling everyone that you are tall. They can see it for themselves. Similarly, if you have really changed, you will give out a different vibe. The way you communicate with your ex will naturally change and he will be able to notice the difference.

      If you still find it hard to get through to your ex, then maybe you have not really changed. You may think that you have changed but the truth is you have not. This can be easily verified when you are talking to your ex. For example, if you are always nervous around him or constantly thinking about what to say next to him in order to get him back, then you have not really changed.

      On the other hand, if you can be fully present without worrying about the past or future when you are talking to him, then he is going to notice the difference in you. This cannot be faked.

      It has been 9 months since you and your ex split. So maybe you have been using the wrong approach to get your ex back? Maybe you have been trying too hard to focus on the external stuff? Maybe I suggest that you use a different approach instead? Start focusing inward. Work on real lasting internal changes.

      What you need to focus on is “Awareness” and “Acceptance”. You can read my article here for more information about what you need to do. Take note, the article is not complete yet. But you can start practising “Awareness” first. I am still writing about the “Acceptance” part. Maybe you can check back again on 8th Jan 2015 for the “Acceptance” portion.

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