Should I Get Back Together With My Ex Boyfriend?

Perhaps you have a really hard time deciding whether to get back together with your ex boyfriend.

Well, here is my opinion of whether you should get back together with him.

 

1. Is There Any Violence or Physical Abuse?

I believe most, if not all relationship experts will agree with this. If your ex boyfriend is physically abusing you in anyway, it is really time to leave the relationship for the sake of your own safety. A man’s responsibility should be to protect you, not to do the opposite.

 

2. Do You Trust Him?

Do you always have a hard time believing in what he says? Do you always feel like you have to check his cell phone or login to his Facebook account?

Of course, it is important to differentiate between whether it is due to your own insecurity or he is simply not a trustworthy person.

If it is due to your own insecurity, then you really have to work on it. However, if he just happens to be the guy you find you can’t trust, then you really have to consider whether it is even a good idea to take him back.

A relationship without trust is going to crumble anytime. It is a lot of easier to get into a relationship with someone you can trust.

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3. Are You Compatible?

A lot of times, you shouldn’t get back together with a man not because he is a bad person, but simply because both of you are not compatible.

For example, maybe he is a pilot. Due to the nature of his job, he has to travel a lot, which means you are not going to see him as often as you like to.

Perhaps that is the reason for breaking up. So there is really no point getting back together unless you have decided that this is something you can accept, as long as he does make an effort to spend time with you whenever he is not working.

However, it is important to understand that a lot of the so called incompatibility issues can be resolved simply by better communication. So before you dismiss a relationship because of incompatibility, maybe you should upgrade your communication skills instead.

 

4. Are There Any Deal Breakers

If there is even one deal breaker, then it is probably not a good idea to get back together.

For example, if you want to get married and have kids and he doesn’t and has already told you so, then it is time for you to move on. Don’t try to hang on to this relationship, hoping that he will eventually change his mind.

Maybe he will but most likely, he won’t.

 

5. Have You Tried Your Best At Least Once?

If you have none of the problems mentioned above and you really think this relationship is worth saving, then you have to ask yourself whether you have tried your best to get him back at least once.

If you never even try even though you really feel there is a potential in this relationship, then you will keep on wondering “what if”. There might be a sense of regret and you will find it harder to let go and move on.

On the other hand, if you have tried at least once and he doesn’t want to get back together with you, then at least you know it is time to let go. You know that you have given it a shot and tried your best. So you can finally let go without any regrets.

Of course, trying your best means taking an educated approach. Trying to get your ex back without the proper knowledge and making all kinds of mistakes and pushing your ex away is not called trying your best.

So make sure you get a proper education on how to get your ex back.

24 thoughts on “Should I Get Back Together With My Ex Boyfriend?

  1. Hello Mark. I am so glad that I found your post-very straightforward. I was in a more-than-a-year relationship with a guy who had been very good to me. Although there was no real definition of a title boyfriend-girlfriend, but we acted as couple. We had fun and understand each other. He ended the relationship two weeks ago citing the reason as me smothering him (excessive text messaging, phone calls..) I tried to explained but he would not listen. Mind you, he used to answer every text that I sent him, but lately no. I pointed out to him that if I sent him two texts a day and he don’t respond then I stop. We see each other and stay together every weekend, the last (two weeks ago), he just overreacted, to something that I don’t even remember what it was. Practically drove me out of his apartment and said he does not want to be with me. I responded by texting him so much, begging and pleading for valid explanation to which he responded “that I am smothering him”. He was so angry that he said that he does not even want to have sex with me….I was hurt, so hurt and then I stopped contact. It has been more than a week now of nc until this afternoon when I texted him “hello, it’s been a while, how’s it going… no response. What should I do? Should I go nc again? For how long? Is there any chance for this type of relationship to get rolling? Thanks.

    • How often do you text or call him when you were in a relationship? Just asking to find out whether he is over reacting or you have really contacted him too much.

      Anyway, if he tells you that you are smothering him, then it is better to cut back on contact. Do it for 30 days and see how it goes.

      • Hi Mark, I admit that I have smothered him with excessive texts and phone calls. Just to keep the communication going, I usually text messaged him almost every day when we were together. Last time that we spoke I was not able to make him listen to me. I just heaved a deep sigh and left him. I initiated no contact but failed. I saw him on social gatherings, one time he looked so down and depressed, I did not approach him. There was one time when we exchanged brief hello. After each incident I text messaged him but no response, this broke the nc that I started. Since I have not received any response to my text messages, I decided to be true to myself and stopped communicating and re-started no contact – today is day 21. Day 30 is almost here. I am at a loss, what should I do. How do I contact him and what will I say. Should I risk the chance of being rejected again? He is a stubborn guy, and full of pride and ego. I’d like him to be part of my life again. To start anew, so to say. Lately, one of my friends saw him in one of those single dances, but alone. Don’t you think that if he is interested to get back with me, he should have contacted me? What should I do? SOS!

  2. P.S. Mark,

    I don’t want playing mind games. We are both mature enough to be in this situation. What if he is doing no contact on me because he is aware that I am doing the same on him. I am practically healed as of this time. I have been exercising (even before I met him), and have done or completed doing your suggestions and it is the real me now. I have taken time to know exactly what caused him to leave the relationship. I have forgiven both of us in the unexpected end of the relationship. I don’t want the old relationship, I want to start a brand new one taking into consideration the good memories that we have in the past. And I think I am ready to face him. But don’t know where, when and how to initiate contact. Inspire me Mark. Let me know how to get into his head that I am the same person that he was first attracted to, more than a year ago.

    • Are you sure you are ready to contact him? Just want to make sure.

      The reason I am asking you is because I often see people who say they are healed and ready to contact their ex but as soon as they receive a negative response from their ex, they are crushed, they panic etc.

      Here are some differences between someone who is ready and someone who isn’t:

      Ready

      You contact your ex, he doesn’t reply you. You are okay and at peace with that. You know you can always try again a few weeks later. You don’t worry about whether he is using no contact on you. Even if he is using no contact on you, it is not such a big deal. After all, the no contact period will end eventually. Once the no contact has ended, you can always reach him.

      Not Ready

      You contact your ex. He doesn’t reply you. You feel rejected and overwhelmed with negative emotions. You started over analyzing things. You started wondering whether he is using no contact on you etc.

      Ready

      You are happy by yourself even if you don’t get him back. You want your ex back but you don’t need him back.

      Not Ready

      You derive your happiness from your ex. You are not happy by yourself. You feel that you need him to get back together with you before you can be happy.

      So are you sure you are ready to contact him? Let me know.

  3. Hello Mark, thanks for responding so quick. He broke up with me in mid-October of last year. That was a weekend and I was blindsided as his outburst came unexpected. On several days the week that follows, I spoke with him to make him see reasons. He did not listen, and he even hang up the phone on me. I tried to talk to him when I saw him at the dance on Friday that week. Although he was adamant not to talk to me, I was able to make him go outside the hall and we spoke. Just the same, futile. This is when he said the I was smothering him a lot. I told him to send back all my pictures that he saved on his phone (which he did later in the week). I also told him to delete my phone number but he refused to do so. That time I felt that the conversation was going nowhere and that nothing I do or say can make him change his decision. I felt so hopeless, and just made a deep sigh, left him and went back inside the hall. Later that night I saw him looking at me while I danced with a friend of mine. I sent him text messages on the following Fridays for 3 consecutive weeks but I got no responses. I saw him on Fridays at the dance, at times looking so sad. However, late December he was also at the dance, and so was I. He was dancing so close with another woman. Our eyes met and just held there for a few minutes. I was the first one to look away. I felt so heartbroken but managed to show that I am enjoying the night. When I left, he was still dancing with this woman. As if he is trying to let me see what he is doing. Note: I was also dancing with other guys that night. You see Mark, this is not what I wanted to happen. We are both playing mind games, which is not correct. Jealousy? Not sure. From that day on, Dec 27th – I started nc. Until today, I have been good at sticking with my plan. My feelings got stirred up again when one of my friends told me that he saw him at another single dance party (not the one that I used to frequent and mentioned previously). Dancing. I should not let my self be affected but it did. (Calm down, Yolanda). Mark, I want to contact him via text at the end of my 30d nc. But I need a stronger (if not the strongest) plan of action. And I know you can inspire me to do just that. Thanks Mark.

    • Your situation is not as bad as you think. I have seen people in worse situation than you but eventually manage to get their ex back by following a proven plan.

      One thing you have to take note is this. Yes, it is not right to use jealousy. But the fact that he is trying to make you feel jealous by dancing with another woman means he still care about you. Just like why you are making him jealous. Otherwise, why bother? So your situation is not so bad.

      The reason why you can’t get through to him is because you are using the wrong methods. You are making some common mistakes like trying to convince an ex to come back, trying to get your ex to see reasons. He is already resisting you. Using those methods will just make him resist you more.

      Whether you have a good chance to get him back is up to you. It depends on whether you are willing to follow a proven plan. Also, I am not going to sugarcoat you. It is going to take some effort. It can take a few months. So it is up to you how much effort you are willing to put in to get the relationship you want.

      If you want the strongest plan of action, you can read this article.

  4. Hey Mark, appreciate your response. It made me happy when you said that my situation is not as bad as I think it is. I am aware that getting him back will take some time and effort. Who says this is an easy job! But hey, I am willing to put up the works. I am not going to back down now that I know I stand a very good chance. There’s always a reward for thinking positive and being persistent. With the right positive attitude to follow through an appropriate plan, nothing is impossible.

    I could not just sit and wait for him to initiate contact. He has been quiet since the breakup. If he responds to my initial text, I will be delighted and take action from that point on. If not, I am willing to try again in a couple of weeks. Like you said, even though he is using no-contact on me, it’s not a big deal. I also believe in getting rewards for being persistent. I am happy with my life. My happiness does not totally depend on him. I still have myself, my family and friends that contribute to my total happiness. I want him back but I don’t need him back.

    In one of my previous messages to him, right after the breakup, I admitted and apologize for my part in the collapse of our relationship. And that I have accepted the break up. It has been 3 months (Oct-Jan) now since the breakup (2 months Nov-Dec tried nc but broke nc since I tried contacting him- but no response; 1 month Jan re-started no contact). Having said that, I am now ready to make initial contact. I will text him next week when my 30-day no contact period ends. But I don’t know what to say to him and when to send it. I’m at a loss here. I need your expert guidance.

    How should I word my hello text to him? A simple text that will make him respond to me without any qualms. I need your expert guidance – what to text him and the timing of sending these messages to him.

    Warm regards to you.

    • You can go to google and type “across the bow text” and you should be able to find some text message templates you can use.

      Alternatively, you can use the templates in this program.

      Don’t worry too much about the video. It may seem like playing mind games but I have seen the templates in the program and they are pretty solid.

      Of course, please make sure you are really emotionally ready before you contact your ex. Otherwise, even the best templates will not help you.

      The templates are just there to give you a good start. But you will need the awareness and acceptance I mentioned in this article to handle any obstacles or unexpected situations (e.g. you find your ex dating another woman, can you handle that and be ok with it emotionally) your ex throws in front of you.

      For example, when dealing with an ex who is still angry, most people will react on autopilot. They will start defending or explaining themselves. Needless to say, that approach is not going to work.

      On the other hand, if you are able to bring awareness and acceptance in your interaction with him, you won’t worry too much about him being angry with you. Instead, you are able to accept it calmly and actually be more curious about him. You will be able to ask questions and say things like, “I notice you are still angry with me. Can you tell me why?” “What does it feel like for you?” With this approach, you are more likely to establish an emotional connection with him.

  5. Hello Mark. Further to my earlier messages, I did send him a text message, something like “it’s been a while, hope all is well”. But like before, he did not respond. Later that night, he was also at the dance where I was. I did not expect him to be there. This was the first time that I went dancing after a month of absence. I did not go dancing since I know that I might see him there. Not going to the dance was also part of my 30-day no contact period. For a month I did not go dancing since there is always a possibility of me seeing him and I don’t want to break my nc period. Although dancing is my passion, I did a very good job at staying true to myself. That dance night, he initiated the contact, he said hello to me first and I politely responded hello back. He looked happy. Every time there was a opportunity that I will be along his proximity, even if he was talking to his friends with his back on me, he looked and he reached out his hand to me, sometimes blocking my way deliberately so he can hold my hand and capture my attention. He even flirted with me, approached me and jokingly introduced himself to me, then asked me to dance. Which I accepted. We danced and it feels like the first time that he danced with me. It was all fun. All night long he was flirty and touchy with me. I responded to his actions but not as much because we are in a public place. We both admitted that we missed each other, no dating others, during the 3 months of absence, asked about our families, etc. He looked at me wherever I am and whoever I am dancing with. He always searched for me and locked our eyes together, he even make a thumbs up while I was dancing. As I was leaving the dance that night, he caught up to me and we talked (again) about us. Standing so close to me. He mentioned that I have gotten so possessive over the course of our relationship. I did not respond to him I just listened. All the while he is being sweet and flirty to me. I asked him if we could continue our chat over coffee some time which he said ok, and that he will contact me when we could meet. That was last Friday and it has almost been a week now and I have not heard back from him. I know that I should not over-analyze but now I don’t know my next course of action. I saw the look in his eyes that night and I want to continue on the momentum. I am at a loss what to do next.. Should I wait for him to make contact? Or should I be the one to invite him for coffee?

    • Since it has been 1 week, just invite him. Maybe he was busy or life just got in the way, so he forgotten about it. So just invite him. Of course, if he turns you down, just be calm and cool about it. Be emotionally okay with whatever outcome.

  6. Hey Mark,
    My bf broke up with me about two weeks ago. And I was devastated.
    But you see, after that break up, several good things happened regarding me.
    Also, within a week, I found out that I did not want to crawl into a hole and cry myself a river (thank my friend for that). Sure I feel hurt, more than I can ever imagine, but I distract myself. Even while I was with him, there were times I had doubts regarding us: was he really the one for me? And stuff like that.
    Right now, I feel I am better off without him. Like maybe God put him in my life to make me realize certain things, and then pulled him out to make me realize even better things.
    It’s just, letting go is becoming difficult. I fear I wouldn’t be able to move on completely, and that he’ll be perfectly OK with someone else. I fear that I’ll never find someone better than him. Paradoxical isn’t it?
    I fear I would never find a guy who’d completely sweep me off my feet.
    It’s been two weeks, and he’s not contacted me yet. I just wished him on a festival, and he just sent back a curt message wishing me back. So I know he’s not interested in talking anymore. And really, I feel it shouldn’t bother me. He was very rude when he broke up. He just doesn’t deserve the best of me.
    Can you please help? I know I don’t make sense, but I hope you’d figure it out.

    • If you want to get back together with your ex, it should be for the right reason. It should never be because you are worried about not finding a better person.

      I suggest you spend some time doing the exercise mentioned in this video. This will help you decide whether the relationship is worth saving.

      Don’t worry about not being able to find someone to sweep you off your feet. It is just a limiting belief that doesn’t serve you in anyway.

      Believe in yourself and have faith that someone better will be coming your way. If a relationship is not suitable for you, you need to have the courage to let go of it so that you can create space for the new person.

      Do the exercise in the video so that you can gain more clarity of your situation.

  7. Hey, I just recently went through a breakup on Wednesday. It was his and I’s 5 month anniversary. We had been going through some hard times together already. He would hang out with other girls in front of me, and lets just say in my opinion the girl was flirting with him. All of my friends had told me that she was trying to break us up. Well on Wednesday we had a 2 hour conversation on the phone, and he ended up saying that he wanted to be just friends for like a week or so, until he can learn to be a better boyfriend. I really don’t understand what he was getting by this. Can’t you just fix things together? He told me he loves me, and that he wants things to work out between us. Today I had recently just talked with him and he just said he was tired of being in a relationship. That did hurt me quite a lot, so I just backed off. I really don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I’m not exactly sure if he feels the same. If he does want me back should I get back together with him? I need him to not just say he loves me, but prove it as well. Do you think we have any chance in being together?

    • You can follow the suggestion in the article and this video to determine whether you should get back together with him. It might take you a few hours or even a few days to do the exercise but that is alright. What matters most is you need to get clear about your criteria for a relationship.

      This is a very important first step. Once you are very clear about what you want or don’t want, the next step becomes more obvious.

      If after doing the exercises, you realized that the relationship is not worth saving, then your next step is to learn how to let go and move on.

      If you decided that the relationship is worth saving, then you need to approach it with a realistic expectation. You have to understand that you cannot control other people. So if you want your ex back more than your ex wants you back, then you have to do most of the work, at least initially.

      So don’t expect him to prove anything in the beginning.

      As for whether there is a chance of getting back together, there is no way I can give you a definite answer. A large part depends on you.

      It depends on whether you are willing to put in the necessary effort and whether you are following a proven plan so that you can increase your chances of success.

  8. I am trying to reflect on my ex:

    1. There were no violence ever. We don’t like it
    2. I used to trust him a lot. But in the last few months I was always struggling if I should believe him or not.
    3. We are very compatible. We like the personality of each other and have a similar view of our future.
    4. There are no Deal Breakers (or at least I cannot think of any)
    5. After the breakup (which I suggested) I was trying so hard to get him back, but I was doing it the wrong way. I cried and tried to convince him, but of course he rejected me, he was probably still very angry and sad.

    But I made a few researches on my ex’s behavior, and it seems like he is some kind of “emotional unavailable”.
    He cannot handle conflicts (he ignores me when I say I have a problem), hates talking about his feelings, it seems like he always have an excuse, had some really bad relationship experiences, his mind is always on the sex topic etc.

    But there were also times when he spilled his heart out and told me things no one else know. Or he made it very clear that I mean very much to him.

    So it seems like I was breaking it somehow. But after the breakup he is – of course- back to his old pattern.

    So do you think I have a man that is “emotionally unavailable”. Is it worth a try? I mean, I am so stubborn I will probably still try, but I would like to have your opinion :)

    • Let’s put it this way. There is no perfect relationship in this world. What I mean is even the best relationship in the world comes with its own set of problems. It just depends on how the couples deal with those problems.

      I am not sure if there are other problems in your relationship but from what you mentioned so far, your relationship may not be perfect but it doesn’t seem that bad that it is not worth trying.

      Sure, it is a lot of easier to just walk away from the relationship, but maybe there is a valuable lesson for you to learn here?

      Could it be that he is not really “emotionally unavailable”. Maybe he just don’t feel comfortable enough to express himself for one reason or another. Could it be because of the way you are bringing yourself to the interaction? Maybe you can draw him out of his shell by working on your communication skills?

      You see. I think “emotionally unavailable” is just a label and is not really the truth. I talked about label in this article.

      Since you mentioned that you will probably try to get him back anyway, why not learn how to look beyond the label. Why not work on the skills I mentioned in the article?

      Who knows? When you bring more awareness and empathy in your interaction with him and you upgrade your communication skills, you might just be able to make him feel safe about expressing himself. This will help you connect with him on a deeper emotional level and increase your chances of getting back together with him.

  9. Hi Mark,
    I need an advice and thanks for your posts. They are encouraging.
    I am a 37 year old woman dating a 24 year old guy in the same community. We grew to love each other so much so that it became difficult to hide the rlship. I have been divorced about a year ago.
    Suddenly, the guy started creating his distance and we have gradually lost the connection though he gets in touch once in awhile.
    I claims he still likes me and adore me but he cannot be in a serious relationship with me but want me as a friend…his confidant..his helper..and motivator cos that it was I have been to him. I am his strength. But at the same time, he claims he now feel guilty dating a married woman though he knows I am divorced but I have not made it public in my vicinity.
    I, on the otherhand, want to quit so that he can be on his own. But he seems not to be ok with my decision. He claims he cannot afford to lose me and now he calls constantly than previous.
    How can I leave or quit this affair since I don’t want to establish the no contact rule.

    Hope to hear from you.

    • Hope you don’t mind me saying this. It seems like you are not really sure what you want in the first place.

      On one hand, there is probably a part of you that wants to be in a relationship with him.

      However, upon hearing that he just wants you as sort of a big sister, you wanted to cut off the relationship.

      Yet, you probably secretly wished that he continues contacting you, even just as a big sister, that is why you don’t want to implement no contact.

      So I think you need to get clear about what you want first. What kind of relationship do you want to have with him? Are you ok with being a big sister to him? Will that hurt you?

      You need to understand that sometimes in life, we cannot have the cake and eat it too.

      Once you are clear about what you really want, what you are willing and not willing to accept, you should be able to come up with the solution yourself. I can’t give you an answer if you don’t even know what you want.

  10. Hi Mark,
    I have implemented the NCR, it has been one month and 5days since I last communicated with my ex. I have used my time to heal and process what I want. I have initiated no contact, made no mistakes and have been faithful to the NCR.

    My bf of 6years broke up with me because a close friend of his told him I cheated with someone and he has always had a sneaky suspicion that me and this other person always liked one another and we are very flirty. in his words the man acts like a love sick puppy around you. He believed the friend and refuses to listen to anything I have to say. He has moved on and has a new GF but close friends of ours tell me he asks about me and if I have made any contact with them. He has blocked me from his phone and he has even blocked my daughter.

    I cry sometimes because I still miss him, but the grief does not feel suffocating anymore. Hind sight is the best sight they say and as I think I keep pondering if 1. was he not looking for an excuse to leave me, 2. why would he not be missing me after all this time and making no contact, does it mean I meant nothing at all seeing that I am easily replaced. 3. How do you know something is worth fighting for? should he not approach me as I was never unfaithful and his friend is a liar. I am not wrong here, I have been honest always.

    I want closure and I feel after all this time I want to move on. Will it require contact where I ask to meet face to face and say what lies inside me or do I just continue with NCR and just heal and move on?

    Thank you for your help

    Regards
    Ray

    • If moving on is really what you want, then you need to find closure yourself. No one else can give you closure. If you are not ready to let go, meeting him one more time is probably not going to make you feel better. In fact, it may even make you feel worse. If you are truly ready to let go, that meeting is not necessary.

      Also, based on what you have written, I can sensed that moving on is not what you really want. Deep inside your heart, you still want to save the relationship. So you are not really moving on, you are just giving up because you don’t know what to do.

      This means you still need more time to heal because you are still very emotional and you are still in reaction mode.

      Next, let’s answer the questions you have asked.

      How do you know whether the relationship is worth fighting for?

      Well, you might want to spend some time doing this exercise. It should give you more clarity about whether the relationship is worth saving.

      Shouldn’t he be the one to approach me because I have not done anything wrong?

      That’s your ego speaking. If there is one reason why so many people fail to save their relationship, it is because of ego.

      Let me paint your situation for you.

      Your ex thought you have cheated and refused to listen to you. Why is that? Because of ego. What do you think is the chances of your ex approaching you? Not very likely, at least for now.

      And now, you are taking the passive approach, waiting for your ex to contact you because of your ego. If a relationship is to be saved, one of you have to drop the ego. Obviously, you can’t control other people. So that person has to be you.

      You have to take the initiative. Of course, I am not asking you to contact your ex now. I don’t think you are emotionally ready to do that now. Just know that if you want to save your relationship, you have to be the one to reach out to him eventually.

  11. I’m in a really sticky situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years and broke up about four days ago. We are seniors in college about to graduate in two weeks, so I’m under a VERY stressful and CONFUSING time restraint. We broke up in a semi-mutual way (I pretended to be on board with it more than I am), agreeing that our hearts weren’t fully in it and we don’t know what we want. I mainly agreed because I felt that I was his door mat for too long and was tired of bending over backwards for him when he wouldn’t meet me half way. We both talked about how we though the other person was the “one” but that this split is needed. We said we’d be best friends, although I know that’s too painful right now. He texted me about 5 times today and Facebook messaged me 3 times ( he never uses FB) wondering if we can meet up and talk and if he’s still coming to my sorority formal. What do I do?

    • One meeting alone is not going to change anything. If you want to get your ex back, you need to have a proper plan to follow, which you execute over multiple meetings with your ex. First you can educate yourself and learn the foundational knowledge of saving a relationship. This is not something that I can tell you within a few sentences. I suggest you spend some time reading the articles on my blog. You can also learn more by signing up for my newsletter.

      As for your next meeting with your ex, just be cordial and friendly with him. The purpose of doing so is just to keep the door open. Don’t try to actively get your ex back before you are emotionally ready to do so.

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