Are You Using Facebook To Get Your Ex Back?

If you are thinking of using Facebook to win your ex boyfriend back, you may want to think twice.

From the many cases I have encountered so far, people (men and women included) who try to use Facebook to get their ex back end up making the situation worse. You will probably do better if you stay away from any social media sites during this period.

Even if you are not trying to use Facebook to get him back, I will advise you to refrain from logging in.

Let’s be honest here. Chances are if you are logged in to Facebook, you will probably be tempted to check your ex boyfriend’s profile. Even if you are not actively checking his profile, you will probably see his status updates on your wall.

Stalking him online can really mess up your emotions when you are trying so hard to heal. This is especially true if your boyfriend happens to be using some kinds of Facebook tactics to make you jealous.

When you are emotional and jealous, you can end up doing all kinds of crazy things on or off Facebook that pushes your ex further away.

For example, you may decide to “Unfriend” him just so that you can keep your sanity. But what if your boyfriend happens to be the oversensitive type?

Initially, he may harbor hopes of getting back together with you. But because you “Unfriend” him, he may think you have moved on and decided to move on too.

 

Just take a look at one of the comments I have gotten.

A few days ago, she told me that perhaps we could start again in the future. She said she still loves me but is just not ready for a serious relationship now. We are colleagues and still see each other at the workplace. She told a colleague that she has decided to move on because I unfriended her on FB and accepted a friend request from a girl. I only did so because I don’t want to see her updates on my wall every time I log in.

This is a comment by a guy (sometimes I do have guys leaving comments on my site) who is trying to get his girlfriend back.

He is not even trying to use Facebook to get her back. He “Unfriended” her simply because he wants to feel better by not seeing her post on his wall every day.

He also accepted a friend request from a girl who is just an ordinary friend. He has no intention of dating her. Yet his ex girlfriend has somehow decided to move on simply because of what he has done on Facebook.

You have to be really careful about what you are doing on Facebook if you want to get your ex boyfriend back. Do the wrong things and you will end up pushing your ex away. The best way to avoid these mistakes is probably to stay away from Facebook for the time being.

answers

Facebook Is Not Designed To Get An Ex Back

No doubt, Facebook is probably one of the best inventions in modern time. It is a great tool for finding a long lost friend, keeping updated of your friends’ status and getting new customers for businesses.

However, it is not what you want to use to get your ex boyfriend back. The only exception is if you want to get your ex back after a year and you want to check whether he is in a relationship. And even then, the status you see on Facebook may not always be reliable. Some people just don’t update their Facebook status often and some people just like to put out a false front.

 

Facebook Tactics Are Often Based On Jealousy And Fear

Most probably, this is not the first “get your ex back with Facebook” article you are reading and probably the first that discourages you to do so.

The general advice is that you should change your profile photo, maybe take pictures with a guy in a way that will make your ex wonder whether you are together.

The idea here is to make your ex boyfriend jealous in a so called “subtle” way and hopefully, that will drive them crazy and make them chase after you. Unfortunately, for many women who try those methods, it backfires on them. After all, how subtle is subtle? How do you make sure that you don’t cross the line?

Unless you are a world class expert in playing this type of mind games, there is a very good chance that you will do the wrong things on Facebook. And let’s not forget that you are probably still quite emotional about your break up. That makes it easier for you to make all kinds of mistakes.

And then there are advice that encourages you to go for the extreme, telling you to unfriend your ex on Facebook. The idea behind this tactic is to play on the fear of your ex and hopefully, that will make him chase after you.

 

Do Those Tactics Work?

Sometimes, those tactics do work to help you get your ex back. But more often than not, the relationship will not last. After all, they are getting back together with you not because they really love you but for their own selfish reasons.

For example, a jealous boyfriend wants you back because he doesn’t want to lose to the other guy. But over time, if nothing has changed in your relationship, he will start to remember why he wants to break up with you in the first place. And before you know it, he is gone again.

When a relationship is all about tactics and mind games, it becomes what is known as the on-again, off-again relationship.

 

You Are Getting In Your Own Way For Healing

If you want to get your ex back, you need to give yourself the time and space to heal. Constantly checking your ex’s profile or trying to devise tactics to get your ex back on Facebook is going to stall your progress.

How are you going to heal when you are constantly worrying about whether your ex is responding to your Facebook tactics?

Do yourself a favor. For your own good, take a break from Facebook.

Look at the big picture. In the grand scheme of things, Facebook is probably not going to make a difference when it comes to getting an ex back.

You are going to get much better results by using the information I am going to share with you in my newsletter. So sign up for my newsletter below. Don’t waste time on Facebook tactics.

32 thoughts on “Are You Using Facebook To Get Your Ex Back?

  1. My ex and I were together on and off for 4 years we even moved in together and talked if marriage. Well 6 months ago he broke up with me removed me from Facebook.then in October he added me back after I asked him how he was. Then in November we just sent funny things to each other . December he seemed cold. Then I talked to him in February and he said he wanted me in his life as a friend and got me a Christmas gift . Then randomly asked to meet up. Turns out it was just because he has a girlfriend of one month who he said is so much easier to talk to than me and basically said he and I never have a chance. ( he used to always say maybe in the future) idk what to do do I have a chance? Is this girl a rebound? Please help!

    • Whether it is a rebound relationship depends on whether he has fully processed his emotions before he got together with the other girl. With that said, he has only been together with the new girl for only one month. So if you still want to get your ex back, it is not totally impossible.

      I have written a very long and detailed article about rebound relationship. You can read it for more information. Like I mentioned in that article, your real competitor is not the other girl. It is you. You are either your best ally or your worst enemy depending on what you decided to focus on.

      When you focus on the right thing, your ex is more likely to choose you over the other girl. Here is the article.

  2. I sent ‘happy new year’ message to him on Jan 01st, he replied the same. Nothing more. Then few days after, I sent message about how “The interview” movie is funny and recommend him to watch. He replied after 4 days, “yes it is funny, good night”. I was so happy to read his reply. I sent “good night” back too. I controlled not to send many messages to him, cos i made me look i am needy and clingy.The mother days I sent some few messages, but he didn’t reply.

    Today I asked his help to choose which phone to buy for my mother, he replied me back and fort. Only about phone. And I mentioned I’d like to send his money back etc. He said that ” it is too much to compare to your salary”. I said i willing to help him out to buy flat. He replied ” ok then send less by less if it is fine for you. I gotta go”. Then chat conversation was ended.

    How do you think? He replies me sometimes. Every time i send message, he read (it showed seen). If he really nothing to do with me OR doesn’t want to hear from me, he could even block me.

    I just want to keep the chat convo alive with him and want to make him warm up. Please kindly advice me what else to do. Is it ok to send “good morning/night message and funny online pics sometimes as long as he reading message? Sorry for asking you much. Anyway I feel like there is hope. How do you think?

    Many Thanks! Best wishes to you Mark!

    • Hi Sue,

      There is hope in the sense he didn’t completely cut you off.

      However, I noticed that he isn’t too interested to talk to you right now. That explains why he just gives you a very short reply. He is just being polite.

      If you are honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings, you probably didn’t feel very good about the interaction. The truth is you are probably full of anxiety. With that kind of vibe, you are unlikely to get your ex back.

      In this article, I talked about the concept of acceptance.

      In other words, you need to accept the fact he doesn’t want to talk to you right now and be alright with it. I noticed that you are resisting that. You are trying to forced a conversation with him. If you continue doing that, it is probably going to push him away.

      My suggestion for you is to actually take a step back and stop contacting him for now. You are not emotionally ready for that. Instead, spend the time cultivating the skills I mentioned in the article.

      I will give you a simple equation here.

      Same man + Same woman = Same relationship dynamics (the relationship that broke up)

      Obviously, you don’t have control over the man’s part of the equation. You can only control the woman’s part.

      If you actually want the relationship to work in the long term, you need to be willing to take a step back and examine what really went wrong. How are you different today from the day you broke up with him?

      For example, you mentioned that you can’t get along with his family. Are there any things you can work on in order to improve your relationship with them? Maybe you can try to brush up your communication skill?

      I suggest that you don’t contact him for the time being until you have worked on yourself and is emotionally ready to interact with him. I also want to encourage you to go to your local library and borrow these 2 books.

      Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenburg
      Present Moment Awareness by Shannon Duncan

      You are going to get much better results if you can start practicing the skills taught in these 2 books. Don’t contact him anymore for now. That will just irritate him.

      I know you are worried about him dating and falling in love with another woman. But with your current emotional state, trying to do something is not going to make any difference and in fact is going to make things worse.

      I hope this helps.

      • Hi Mark,

        Yesterday he confronted me in chat. He seemed like he hating me so much for what I did to him regarding delaying to send his all money back to buy a flat. He told me that “I still suffering from what you did. I have to live in shitty place, that far from my office. I have to ride bicycle for 2.5hrs. I should have bought a flat 6 months ago if you didn’t stop me”. Because buying flat process takes months.
        I asked him if I can buy a flat for him right now, or help? He said ” that will make less angry with you”. Now I don’t want to give my time for you because you punishing me. I’d rather play game, programming or going out with friends instead of giving you time”. I asked him if he has a new one. He replied “Sue, you are very talkative, i am busy now”. Why he always avoid to answer this? @@

        Mark, I really don’t know what else to do. May be i should just give up?

  3. Hello mark!! I just want to ask you question about a guy i have been seeing for the past month. Well, he clearly stated that he likes me, he asked me out, and i liked him too. The problem is he said that he will stop seeing me because he wanted to fix his life, find a job etc. When we talked about it in person, he told me the real reason was he will be seeing his ex girlfriend, the reason why is because he needs money and this ex girlfriend will lend him. So he asked me to trust him and wait for him to come back. When he came back i still felt him distant, he didn’t text me, the problem is i fell inlove with him.. He said he love me too and he don’t love his ex, but it seems as if they’re still texting each other and he is not texting me. And i don’t know what to do now. He doesn’t communicate with me now. What do you think i should do? Thanks

  4. Hi Mark. My ex broke up with me a month ago and I have been using the no contact rule for a week. He broke up with me because he thinks that I’m too annoying. He said he hates me and want me to be out of his life. It was a 3 years relationship. Throughout the relationship he had stopped making efforts, and even though we live in the same area, he didn’t really go out with me. We used to meet each other once a month. It made me insecure and I keep on seeking for his attention during the relationship. I unfriend him on facebook last week so that I won’t see his posts and status, because after the break up, he still “like” my post and status like nothing had happened. Should I add him back?
    And do you think that I still have a chance with him?

    • For your situation, I think it is time for you to move on.

      Why would you want to be together with a man who is only interested to go out with you once a month? He is clearly not that invested in the relationship.

      Once you let go of him, you will create the space for a better man to come into your life. You should be dating a man who wants to go out with you as often as he can, not once a month.

  5. That was for show money in bank account to apply uk student visa. But he cancelled the plan to apply uk student visa of me, he asked we gotta get married instead (just gotta sign in court in my country) and gotta apply married visa. Then he asked me to send all money back, and said he is going to buy a flat for us. I agreed and arranging to send back. But money transfer rate was too bad. On the other hand I wanna buy a flat together after married sign. Yes i delayed some weeks to send back . Then the flat he wanted the most was missed.. etc. He was so angry at me and said he cannot come and sign married and he cannot trust me anymore. He dumped me for it since then. No matter how I explain and try, no different.

    Please ask me anything you’d like to know. Thanks Mark

    • He is still angry with you. So no point trying to get back together with him now. Don’t ask whether he is dating anyone. Doesn’t serve any purpose and is just going to push him further away.

      Wait for everything to settle first. Don’t contact him anymore unless it is about the money matters. He doesn’t want to talk to you now anyway. Use this time to work on yourself instead.

      Looking at your current situation, you need to be willing to accept the fact that you won’t get him back for at least 6 months.

      I know 6 months seem to be a very long time. However, I have seen people who are able to get their ex back after more than 1 year.

      So it is up to you how much effort you are willing to put in. There is nothing wrong with letting go.

      It is a decision you have to make yourself.

      Regardless of your decision, I will still encourage you to work on yourself as I mentioned in the other article.

      Otherwise, you will be still be the same old person a few months down the road and that is not going to improve your chances of getting him back.

      Even if you don’t get him back or decided to let go, practising those skills will definitely help you in your future relationship.

  6. Thanks for your thoughtful advice.

    You’re right, it might take 6 months or may be even a year to get him back, OR may be he will never come back. To be honest, the reason he left me is not a reasonable one to break up (all my friends/colleagues say the same). I mean the problem is not that big, still can be fixed. I think he left me because he wants to. That it is!

    I’ve decided to stop trying to contact him. I will not try to send any money to him, because I do not owe him anything. I wanted to send some money to him just to support him to buy a good flat and want to show how i trying hard. But now I am not in mood at all.

    I do not have energy to try on, that doesn’t mean I don’t want him back tho. So I will just let it be for now, till he contact me again. Because no matter how i try, what i say, he still annoyed me. So there is no point.

    Anyway I will just leave it for now, i am very tired mentally because of the way he treating me so harsh.

    Mark, I hope you’d understand what I want to mean now. Appreciate your encourage, i still need it and still want to hear what else to do.

    Best regards

    • There is nothing wrong with your decision. In fact, I am glad to hear that you are willing to let go for the time being.

      That was what I was trying to get across to you but I thought you were in denial and didn’t want to hear that. (sorry about that)

      To answer your question, what else to do, my answer is still the same.

      Work on yourself. I know that sounds a bit cliche but that’s what going to give you the best chance.

      If you want a great relationship, you need to have the capacity to sustain a great relationship. The only way to increase your capacity is to work on yourself.

      Where to start?

      Well, go to the library and borrow the 2 books I recommend to you in the comment above.

      Put them into practice in real life.

      You can also sign up for my Calm Down Newsletter above.

      You can also read my newest article, I just updated it.

      That should keep you busy for a while.

      Who knows? After working on yourself for a while, your perception may be so different that you don’t even want your ex back anymore?

      And if you still want him back, a better version of you is definitely going to stand a better chance.

      • Hi Mark,

        Thanks for your reply. It will be great if I could read those books online since I work 6 days per week and kinda no time to go to library. Anyway I will try to read them one day.

        By the way, just wanna update to you that he has got a new one- yes that Hungary girl. He even visiting to her country already. How fast!!! One of my friend (I have told her not to let me know anything about him tho) showed me screenshot of his facebook checkin post in Hungary. I was angry at my friend because I was trying to move on and fine until i saw that. Now everything is new again and i suffering. I wish I didn’t see that post and didn’t hear about him.

        So, our story is completely end, right? :(

  7. Last week, I VERY reluctantly defriended my ex-boyfriend (who had dumped me 2 weeks before, saying that we had nothing in common, this after 3 years), but only because every time I posted or was tagged as being out with friends, he’d see it and PM me to harangue me – messages like “well, I see YOU’RE having fun!”. Did I do the wrong thing? I told him why I was defriending him, and in his last message to me, he claimed to find it funny.

    • No, I don’t think you did anything wrong.

      As much as you want him back, you don’t want to be a doormat. It is a good thing that you have the courage to define your boundary.

    • Hey
      My name is nima
      And about 2 years ago I dated a guy
      And he and I connected alot
      He told me he loved me and the we should get married
      I could see me marrying this guy, I liked him alot too
      I was still young at the time and so was
      And my older sister still hadn’t been proposed to, let alone going out with some one
      My friends pressured me
      He began pressuring me to meet his family
      And so I stopped picking up his phone on time
      And stopped replying quick enough
      This went on for about a week
      I realized how I was destroying my relationship with
      And before I could fix it
      He broke up with me
      I have a huge pride so
      I didn’t fight it
      I changed phone numbers
      And delete every last trace of him
      I was certain I’d find some alot better than him
      I dated multiple guys
      A year ago I friend requested him of Facebook
      He accepted, yet no reply
      Few months later I message
      About something random and how it reminded me of him
      He replied
      Chatted briefly
      But at the end the conversation came to an end
      My pride was hurt so I unfriended him again
      Last month I sent a friend request to him and he accepted within minutes
      Give me advice please

  8. Hi Mark
    My boyfriend of a year and a month broke up with me 2 and half months ago.
    We had to split up for a few months because I am not a US citizen so after finishing some program in the US, I had to move back to my home country. He wanted me to move back to the US within 3 months and of course I wanted to do it too but I needed time to prepare everything (money, job, visa…which you know it is not easy for some people from some countries to move to the US by themselves). I asked him if we can split up for longer so we can be more relax and also to make sure that we will settle in the US for at least a while so I did not have to move there and move here with him every few months but he said NO! He wanted me to be there soon. I was so stressful because I knew it is hard. At that point, we both also were in hard time; he did not feel like to live in the US but he had to move back since he could not find a job in Asia and he still had a good job in USA. I had hard time of following him too. ( It is not easy for me at all to move back since I just finished a program from the US and there was no good reason to apply the visa shortly.).
    Anyway, I did not refuse to follow him there. I tried my best in my war and I was still so stressful. One day we had argument because I felt he did not understand me. I think I was so tired of many thing. I did not ask him for any support to move back to the US. What I did is only asking him if my ideas and my plans were good and if he had any idea to suggest me. I only demand for feeling support from him but I did not feel I got it. Since we split up, we talked so little and did not talk on the phone or skype for a month which I told myself that he was tired of his life too (he had to get new apartment for both of us and new car and pilot instructor license (as a second job) after moving back to the US.
    The night we had argument I told him that I was at the point that I want to be alone because nobody understand me. He said that was a good idea so I did not have to fight with and care of people anymore. Since that day we did not talk for 2 days. I missed him so I texted him and asked what he wants. If he wanted to stop relationship, I am ok, just let me know. He replied Yes. A couple days later I felt we can fix the problems so I asked him if he want to try it again but he rejected me so I went on NC for 3 weeks before he tried to contact me because he thought I was in a new relationship and If I wanted to cut a contact with him. I told him I was not in a new relationship and has not dated any one else. So he asked me what I would feel if he found someone else. I told him it’s ok but I miss him still then he told me that we should not talk anymore because he did not want to give me a false hope.
    And he started deleting all my pictures on his facebook and unfriended me.

    What I concern is he can’t be alone. That is what he told me. He signed up for an online dating and went out with a girl and found that a girl was not interesting so he deleted his profile. But I am sure he is seeking for a new girl and will be in new relationship soon even he told me he loved me very much and I was the best gf ever, except I was too moody so he could not talk open to me.

    Before we met, he was in many rebound relationships for 2 years ( and I don’t know if I was one of them) because he broke up with a girlfriend of 4 years ( They were in on again, off again relationship) .That is his story. That’s why I know he will be in new relationship soon again.

    Since then, I have been in NC period for a month because I want to heal and stop it for a while. I did not asked him about facebook stuff and just let it be. I found your website so I have been doing awareness for a week or 2 weeks and I am feeling better. Many times I still think about our problems in the past and how i did not like what he did but Immediately I told myself that I am in the present so let the past be. ( My mind starts switching between his good and his bad)

    I am writing you here because I still believe that we can fix those problems and we had not tried to fix it. I don’t want to jump into the same relationship. Actually we got along and I want to work thing out and see if it is a good idea to get back together. I want to ask you if I have a hope for a second chance?

    Looking forward to hearing from you, Mark.
    Thanks

    • And what should I do next Mark? I am much better. I have a future plans without him. I enjoy my job and myself now. But still want to try to get him back. I am still waiting to make sure that I can get in contact with him again. But since he told me we should not talk anymore because he did not want to give me a false hope. I have no idea how to start the conversation.

      • Actually, when I was reading your description, I have this impression that your ex boyfriend is quite immature and only care about himself. But I don’t want to jump to conclusion here since I don’t know the entire story. It may be due to the stressful times he was going through or poor communication which caused misunderstandings.

        With that said, there are definitely things you can do to save the relationship. First, don’t worry when he says you shouldn’t talk anymore. It is simply a matter of content vs context. Right now, there are still a lot of negative feelings between the two of you. That’s why he is not too keen to talk.

        You can always reach out to him again in a few weeks time if you are emotionally ready to do so. Who knows he may actually be happy to hear from you by then. Also, don’t worry too much about him getting in a new relationship. Based on what you mentioned, it seems like he has a lot of unresolved emotional issues. So even if he get into a new relationship, it is unlikely going to last. It will be more like a rebound. You can read this article about rebound relationships to learn more.

        Long distance is definitely going to be harder but not totally impossible. Initially, you can start with text, email or Facebook messaging. Once he started opening up to you, you can bring the conversation to webcam using Skype.

        The key to getting your ex back is emotional connection. If you have the skills to connect with him emotionally, then you can do it through Skype as well.

        It is not the distance that is the problem. If you don’t have the right relationship skills, you can meet him face to face and still fail to connect with him. It is your relationship skills that is going to make the biggest difference. For more information on how to connect with him emotionally, you can read this article.

  9. I just want to have some article to read. About breaking up and how to get your ex-boyfriend.

    We been together for almost 2 years. With all those argument with him not coming home (because we are living together) for almost 1 week and his just staying with his aunt without any reason from him and here comes a time that I make him decide if he will come home or just stay with his aunt for the rest of his life. He choose his aunt.

    We already have a baby and it seems he doesn’t care anymore even to our baby. His parents are still good to me, however my parents and siblings are very angry with what he done to us. we suppose to get married this coming Dec. 27, 2016. But I think that would not happen anymore. I feel so awful for my baby that she will grow up without a father.

    I have starting to move on, hang out with office mate just to forget and accept the break up. But then, his friend chat me on facebook saying the my ex just create new facebook account (I block his old one) and I try to see it and I saw his status saying “hey, this is my new facebook account, I want to start change my life. I will start on a new facebook”.

    I don’t know what it means to him. but I feel hoping again that he will change. I do still want him to come home with our baby and live happily. I haven’t contact him for 2 weeks already. As I read this article it makes me calm and accept. I hope I could get an advise from you mark. Thanks a lot.

    • I suppose both of you are still young and the baby was unplanned for? He is probably not even ready for marriage, let alone having a baby.

      That’s probably why he got scared and ran away.

      However, I believe he still care for you and your baby. That’s why he wanted to “start a new life”. So there is definitely a chance that he will come back eventually.

      Just give him some time to get ready and don’t put too much pressure on him. You can’t really force someone to take responsibility when he is not ready to do so anyway.

      The best thing you can do right now is to be strong. Be the best mum that you can be for the sake of yourself and your baby. When he see your strength, it will inspire him and he is more likely to come back to take care of both of you.

      Update him from time to time about the baby and invite him to come see the baby. But don’t force. Just invite.

  10. Hey,

    I’ve just done no contact to help myself to heal. My ex contacted me before the end of it – and he was liking a LOT of my statuses on FB. We’ve had a few meet ups (due to mutual best friend having birthdays) and he’s given me a lot of glances and approached me several times with conversations whilst out.

    I’ve sent a few tester messages his way and sometimes he responds really positively about a memory I’ve sent, telling me how awesome it was, but sometimes he goes cold quite suddenly. On the other hand, sometimes he gives away the fact that he’s been “casually skimming” over my status updates. He also told a mutual friend that he regretted how he had been in the relationship and said he’d been a bit of an A-hole at times.

    What would you suggest I do to progress? The hot and cold spells are a bit dizzying – and I’m trying not to react but there has been one occasion where I’ve gotten a bit tearful whilst alone. I think I need to practice more of the relational skills and reactance exercises that you mentioned but can you offer me tips on how to help the situation with him?

    • Hot and cold spells? This situation is actually very common. And yes, I did cover this information on day 9, day 11 and day 13 of my newsletter. If you are interested to learn how to handle hot and cold signals from your ex, you can sign up for my newsletter.

  11. Hi Mark. I can’t seem to find any story that fits my situation. Basically, it all started when I was sent a friend invitation on Facebook from someone I had never met. He had heard my voice through our job and asked around to find out who I was. We then struck up a friendship for about 4 months. We had so much in common, we thought that God had brought us together. Although I did not find him physically attractive, his personality won me over and I began to like him. During our 4 month friendship, I knew he was married. However, he constantly advised how unhappy he was and would constantly shower me with attention and compliments. We started getting close around January and our conversations became sexual. During this time, he and his wife were fighting quite a bit and he was trying to figure out whether or not to be done with her. I told him he needed to go to counseling with her because she is very emotionally manipulative. We did do a couple of sexual things before he officially took off his wedding ring, but after she moved out for the upteenth time in their 6 month relationship, and he took off his wedding ring, I told him I wanted him to heal and I wanted us to go slow. He was fine with that, we went very slow after that, only kissing. he showed me that he cared for me with little things, always texting me, always making time to see me. I met his mom and he met mine. He treated me better than anyone ever has, being there for me and we even said we were each other’s soulmates. I told him that I didn’t want to go public just yet because I didn’t want people to think that I was a home wrecker or something. Before the wife moved out, I made it very clear that I did not want to get in the way of him and his wife and he assured me I was not. He also assured me I was not the reason for the break up. That they had a lot of problems, and when he told his family about me, they were happy. So around the end of March, I asked him if he was talking to anyone else. He said he was and he thought I was too. This confused me since we were talking about a future together, calling each other our puzzle pieces and soul mates. He began contradicting himself. He said that he thought he had more time and that he didn’t build anything with this other person but wanted to make sure he knew what he wanted. He then said that he did want to go out with me but if I rejected him he wanted a backup so that the pain would stop right away. I was very upset and began crying. He said after talking to a friend that he understood why I was upset and he would never forgive himself. I told him I never thought he would do that to me. Even though we weren’t technically committed, I thought it was implied that we weren’t talking to anyone else and we were building something with each other. The next day, I didn’t hear from him and I got upset after I didn’t get a response after I texted him. I told him if this is the way that he says he’s sorry, he can just forget about contact me again. He said he was trying to give me space which didn’t seem right to me. The next day he said he just wanted to be friends. It was like a light switch. He said he didn’t know if he saw a future with us but he would like to. He said he needs to work on himself and doesn’t want to hurt me. He said he wasn’t going to date but I don’t think that’s true. After a week of depressing posts on Facebook and crying on the phone to him and weepy texts, I started researching how to get your boyfriend back. I did not implement the no contact rule to the fullest, but I did back off and assume the mantle of happiness, confidence, independence, etc. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I told him I was doing much better and I have not acted needy or desperate since. Since then, I have been trying to be his friend, not say anything about the relationship, and trying to show him what he is missing. He came over a week or so ago, he said he was very excited to hang out. I gave him a present that I had ordered previously, it was a very thoughtful gift. He was wearing the shirt that I gave him. We sat on opposite sides of the couch, he sat down second on the other side. We watched a movie and then he left. He acted just like a buddy, I wanted to try and make things as casual as possible, but I didn’t expect him to be so buddy buddy. After that, I didn’t hear much from him. I tried not to text him much at all. We did say that we should go out to a restaurant when he was hanging out. But when I asked when, he blew it off and didn’t commit. I asked a second time during that week and he ignored it. So, I didn’t bring it up again. I went out that weekend and posted pics of my girlfriends and I having fun. I get a random text from him asking when we’re going out to a restaurant. I told him whenever he was available, and I didn’t hear anything back from him. The next day I texted him and said hi and that I didn’t hear anything back from him. He said he was busy and he was picking out a day. Again nothing. during these few weeks, we have had a couple of sexual conversations. The last of which was very sexual and he sent me dick pics. I did not send him anything in return, he only has a previous one of a chest shot in a bra without my face. About an hour or two into the sexual conversation, he stops answering me and I could tell he was on the phone. He was on the phone for 2 hours. I texted him that I would talk to him later after 2 hours and he texted back saying that he was asleep which was a lie. I didn’t hear from him for a couple more days. He tends to like my pictures and some of my posts on Facebook. I personally think he likes my stuff more than he likes anyone elses stuff. There has been post about him hanging out with his wife again, and friends have said that they think that he is going to stay with her. However, he is still talking sexual to me every now and then. He texted me today to say good morning and we talked a little bit via text. It doesn’t seem like he really wants to talk on the phone or even hang out with me right now. He never gave me a reason for breaking up with me that I really believed and I have no closure. I want to get him back. I do not know what to do. I don’t think that he is serious about getting back together with his wife, I think he is entertaining the idea or he just need someone around to satisfy his loneliness. Can you help me figure this out?

  12. Hi Mark. I’m currently having problem with my boyfriend. We used to be very happy together until the 4th month of our relationship. We both are from Malaysia and went to the same college together as I’m a student and he is the marketing counselor. We known each other when i joined the marketing department as one of the counselors and that’s where it begins. He cared a lot for me and taught me what I need to know about the course. I have a slight problem with my dad and I have quit the job but I’m still studying there. We both stay in contact through messaging and both of us were working fine. Soon, he confessed to me that he like me and we started a relationship. I have a problem where my dad is a strict person and does not allow me to be in relationship because I am only 20 years old and I’m still studying. He knew that and didn’t say a word about it. But things started to change. There were a few problems that led us to a breakup.

    1. He was having stress at his work as his colleagues were backstabbing him then he started to ignore me. At that time, I wasn’t aware of his condition but his colleague used this advantage to use me by saying hurtful things using his name on me. I did the most stupid thing by believing what he said.

    2. When he was sick, I couldn’t do anything for him when he needed me the most. He also knew that my father won’t let me go out so often and I don’t have my own transport and I always need him to pick me up if we go dating.

    After all these problems, he said that he has lost feelings for me. He was having battle with his colleagues at work and wanted to sacrifice me and should separate for a while and hope that I will understand. I know I was wrong for believing what his colleagues said. I have already apologized and did what I can for him. He said he needed some time to figure things out.

    It’s been 2 months + we’re in this stage. In college, I often buy him lunch as that’s the best I can do. After the separation, we still stay in contact through wechat. He often told me what happen at his workplace and I also understand his situation as I used to work there before. He told me that he will try to work things out between us and will try to pull back our distance and restart our relationship again. But currently, he had problem with his mother and work again. And I found out that his first love is also working with him now at the marketing department which make me so pissed off. I didn’t show it in front of him. I’m scared of reconciliation between them cause how much I tried to do to want him back as he was my first love. He has been ignoring me for 1 week and yesterday I broke down in front of him by sending a text message asking how he is and whether everything is okay with his mom but he didn’t reply me. I don’t know what to do now. He has depression and always keep things inside his heart and seldom share his feelings. Mostly, he mentioned a lot of his problems at work to me. But now he’s been ignoring me. I don’t know what to do to help him. Any advice?

    • Before you can help someone, you need to help yourself first.

      I suggest that you spent some time developing the skills I mentioned in this article. With these skills, it will increase your ability to get him to open up to you. Then you can gradually deepen your emotional connection with him.

      After all, the main reason why breakup happens is due to the loss of emotional connection. If you can rebuild the connection, it is possible to get back together again.

      Obviously, getting your ex back is not something that is going to happen overnight. So you do need to be patient.

      Don’t worry about the other girl. You have no control over her anyway. So don’t waste your energy on her. You are going to get much better results if you focus on yourself. I suggest you read this article to learn how to handle this type of situation.

  13. These are practical advices that are workable… I am looking forward to receiving more educational newsletter about relationship. Thanks!

  14. Hi Mark,

    I have really enjoyed all your posts!

    I feel a little silly posting a comment here because I believe I have all the answers to my questions already – but could use some affirmation.

    My ex-boyfriend moved back to Mexico a few days ago claiming he wants “nothing from me.” However, we spoke over the phone before he boarded his flight and he told me that he would text me as soon as he got there. And that we could possibly Facebook chat, too, if he is able to get internet connection at his house in Mexico.

    This was two days ago – and I have not heard from him since. I tried texting and Facebook chatting him just to reassure myself that he is safe and okay.

    I think I believe that if it is meant to be, it will be. I just worry if I delete him off Facebook, he won’t come back to me, and it will truly be over. And I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for that sort of closure right now.

    There was also another woman involved in our relationship who was back in Mexico while he was still her in the U.S. that he romantically spoke during our time together. He told her he loved her while he was having intimate relations with me. My fear is that he will go back to her and forget all about me.

    That being said, I know you cannot force someone to love you. It must come naturally. And also, if someone doesn’t appreciate and cherish you for who you are, they probably aren’t worth the effort in the first place.

    I guess my question to you would be: Do you believe I should delete him off Facebook? I think your posts about improving yourself make a lot of sense. I do need to focus on increasing my self-esteem and my career too. I just worry about him and don’t know if I’m willing or ready to let him go.

    Sidenote: If I see that he is “engaged” to the girl in Mexico in Facebook within months, I will seriously lose it. And I know that isn’t healthy. Clearly.

    • I believe in Facebook, there is this option for you to hide all notification from your ex without him knowing about it.

      So I won’t suggest deleting him from Facebook. That is a bit too extreme unless you have already decided to cut him off from your life for good.

      If you still want to get him back, it will be very weird if you have to send him a friend request on Facebook again. So don’t create unnecessary trouble for yourself.

      Just hide all notification from him will do.

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