What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Do you have what it takes to get your ex boyfriend back? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first time you heard of the concepts I am going to reveal to you today.

After all, most breakup websites out there are telling you to ignore your ex boyfriend during no contact, pretend to be happy, go to the gym, post photo of you with another guy to make him jealous, send him a magic letter and so on…

 

Is There Any Progress With Your Ex Boyfriend?

I believe you have probably seen them before you landed on my website. Perhaps, you have even tried some of the tactics above. If you did, I have a question for you.

Where has that gotten you so far? Are you seeing any progress in your relationship?

Or maybe it backfired? Instead of drawing your ex boyfriend closer to you, those tactics push him further away.

This is not surprising. After all, those are just mind games. In fact, if you are honest with yourself, you probably feel bad using those tactics on your ex boyfriend. You feel like you have compromised your own integrity and you are not being true to yourself.

 

Warning! I Am Going To Say Things You Don’t Want To Hear

Before you read on, I have to warn you.

I am going to tell you a few things that you may not want to hear but really need to.

I am doing so because I don’t want you to take shortcut and focus on the wrong things. This will help you save a lot of time and money. More importantly, I want to stop you from using tactics that will cause serious damage to your relationship.

For example, you may have seen some ebooks that claim you can get your ex back in 14 days or less using some secret psychological tactics that work on a man so that he will be down on his knees, crawling towards you and begging you to take him back.

(I am going to dispel this “14 days or any number of days” myth later.)

You decided to buy that ebook only to realize that it doesn’t work. Even worse, it pushes your ex boyfriend further away.

So you end up wasting 14 precious days and the money you spend on that ebook. Even worse, those dirty psychological tricks turn off your ex boyfriend.

This means you have even more work to do if you want him back. Initially, you might have a chance to get him back in 3 months if you follow the proper method.

But because of taking shortcut, now you have to undo the damages. So you have to spend 6 months instead of 3 months to get your ex boyfriend back.

Hopefully, after reading this article, you will know what doesn’t work so that you won’t be tempted to take shortcut. You will have a much better chance to get your ex boyfriend back if you follow the proper method.

 

Important! Don’t Believe In Everything I Say

You are probably going to resist my message initially and that is perfectly fine.

After all, I don’t want you to believe in everything I say blindly. Instead, I want to encourage you to think critically about your relationship. Take some time to think about whether what I said make sense.

Here is an even better approach. Try some of ideas I am sharing with you today.

See whether they make you a better person.

See whether they make you feel better about yourself.

More importantly, see whether your relationship with others improve.

The things I am going to share with you today are timeless relationship principles.

They don’t just help you connect better with your ex boyfriend. If you really adopt those principles as part of your life, your relationship with others will also improve, whether they are your family, colleagues, classmates, friends or even a stranger you meet on the street.

In fact, I want to encourage you to Bookmark This Page (Ctrl + D) now. Chances are, what I am saying is too much for you to take in today.

Maybe you will still go ahead (hopefully not) and try those tactics and mind games you learn from other websites, only to realize that they don’t work.

No matter what, I hope you will come back to this page later and start appreciating what I am sharing with you today.

 

The No Contact Rule ( N.C. Rule)

Let’s start with the no contact rule since this is probably the most popular and misunderstood topic in the get your ex back community.

I am going to assume that you already know what the no contact rule is. If not, you can read my article here: Does the no contact rule work?

 

What’s Right and Wrong With The No Contact Rule?

Almost every breakup website talks about the nc rule. So if everyone is saying the same thing, then it must be the right thing to do, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, it isn’t as simple as that. The problem here is that every website has different set of rules.

So now, we have one no contact and multiple rules.

Which rule should you follow then?

 

What’s Right With NC?

First, let’s talk about what’s right.

 

i. To Heal From a Break Up

Everyone agrees that you need to heal after breaking up. I agree too. After all, it is easy to say and do the wrong things when you are flooded with negative emotions.

So if you are using nc to heal, you are doing the right thing.

 

ii. For 30 Days

Also, most websites recommend 30 days of no contact. I agree with that too. I believe that most people do need at least 30 days to recover from a break up.

However, I don’t think you need to be so rigid with the number of days. If you are one of the few people who truly feels a lot better after 21 days, what is stopping you from initiating contact with your ex?

On the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend you to contact your ex just 3 days after the break up. That may be a little bit too soon. People generally don’t heal that fast.

Even if you have recovered from the breakup, your ex may still need more time. I would recommend a minimum of at least 14 days. For most people though, 30 days is a pretty good guideline.

 

What’s Half Right With NC?

Work On Yourself

Other than healing, most websites also tell you to work on yourself.

Basically, they give you superficial advice such as upgrade your wardrobe, change your diet, go to the gym, meet friends, date other people, be happy, increase your confidence and so on…

I think they are really missing the point here. That’s why I call it “half right”.

Yes, it is not a bad idea to make these changes. But at the end of the day, those are just very superficial external changes.

Those changes may not even last, especially if you are doing so purely for the sake of getting your ex boyfriend back.

I am going to make a wild guess here. I am guessing that your ex boyfriend didn’t break up with you because you didn’t go to the gym? So how can going to the gym help you get your ex boyfriend back?

I hope that makes you think a little bit deeper about what it really takes to get your ex boyfriend back.

Superficial external changes that don’t last can only bring you so far. Yes, your ex boyfriend might get back together with you when he sees the “external changes” in you.

But after a while, he is probably going to realize that you are still the same old person after all. Let say you break up with him because you are clingy and insecure, going to the gym everyday is not going to cure your insecurities.

When crisis happens, you are going to revert to your old habits. Your ex boyfriend is going to feel cheated and leave the relationship again.

 

It Is The Internal Transformation That Is Going To Determine Whether You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to focus on real, lasting internal transformation.

These are skills you need to work on starting from today. They will not only help you with your romantic relationship. They will also come in handy when you are communicating with your boss, co-workers, friends and people in general.

This is going to be our main discussion in this article. But before that, I just want to quickly talk about the types of no contact rule you should avoid.

It is important to go through them because I don’t want to see you sabotaging your own relationship by following the wrong set of rules.

 

What’s Wrong with NC?

i. Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend Completely

One version of nc rule is to ignore your ex boyfriend when he contacts you whether by phone, text messages or emails. Don’t pick up the phone and don’t reply.

This is a very dangerous and immature approach. It doesn’t reflect well on you.

First, your ex may think that you have moved on and decided to move on too.

Second, your ex may think you are playing mind games on him and get angry. Maybe he will start ignoring you too to get back at you.

Needless to say, if you are trying to get him back, this makes your job more difficult than it needs to be.

If you still need time to heal from the break up and is not ready to talk to your ex, there is a much better and more mature approach.

You can say something like, “Hey, thanks for contacting me. I really appreciate it. I would love to catch up with you again sometime in the future. However, right now, I am still feeling emotional over the breakup. I promise I will get back to you once I feel better.”

By doing so, you are keeping the door open. You are being honest and that kind of reply doesn’t make you look desperate or needy.

Also, it makes it easier when you are ready to contact him. You can simply carry on the conversation from there.

 

ii. Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I have already written an article about why it is not a good idea to use no contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you.

Here is the article: How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

So I am going to keep it brief here.

Basically, you have totally no control over whether your ex boyfriend is going to miss you. If you are using no contact for that purpose, you are probably going to find yourself wasting a lot of time.

You will keep on wondering whether he misses you. Maybe you will be spending hours on Facebook obsessing about his status update. Maybe he added a girl as a friend. You will start to question whether she is his new love interest.

Your anxiety level will increase. How is that going to help you get your ex boyfriend back? You will do much better if you actually focus inward.

Instead of spending hours on Facebook, why not spend 10 to 20 minutes doing the inner work exercises I am going to share with you later in this article?

I am sure you can see which approach is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Why Internal Transformation Is Important

Alright, now it’s time for us to talk about the internal transformation you need in order to get your ex boyfriend back.

You may be wondering why internal transformation is important.

Well, let me give you an analogy here.

Imagine that your head is itchy but you scratch your butt instead. Have you managed to relieve the itch?

Of course not! But you refuse to give up. So you keep on scratching your butt until it starts to bleed. Now, your head is still itchy and situation has become worse. Now, you can’t even sit.

Yes, I know this is a very crude analogy. But let’s be honest here. How many people are using crude ways to try and get their ex back?

For example, maybe your were too clingy. Interacting with you doesn’t feel good anymore. It is emotionally draining for your ex boyfriend. Therefore, he decided to break up with you.

So you go to the internet to find out how to get your boyfriend back. Instead of working on your clinginess, you found a website that gives you a magic letter that you can send to your ex.

So you send the letter. Not only does the letter not work, it makes the situation worse. Your boyfriend withdraws further. And of course, fundamentally, you are still the same old clingy person.

Now, your head is still itchy. To make things worse, your butt is bleeding and you won’t be able to sit for some time. Obviously, the right thing to do in the first place is to simply scratch the head.

 

Why Your Ex Broke Up With You

Do you know why your ex broke up with you? Yes, I know there are probably 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, I know every situation is unique.

But when you really examine the root reason for breaking up, it is simply because your ex doesn’t feel a strong emotional connection with you anymore.

It doesn’t matter whether the breakup is due to clinginess, long distance relationship, cheating or any other reasons. Because your ex doesn’t have a strong enough emotional connection with you, he doesn’t have the motivation to continue the relationship with you.

That is why you should focus on scratching your head. You should focus on real, lasting internal transformation so that you can bring a better you when you are interacting with your ex. The new you will be able to form a strong emotional connection with him.

answers

The Internal Transformation You Should Focus On During No Contact

Awareness

The first thing you should focus on is to develop awareness.

Here are 3 questions that are probably in your mind.

1. What is awareness?

2. What has awareness got to do with getting my ex back?

3. How do I develop awareness?

Here is the answer.

 

What is awareness and how does it help me get my ex back?

The awareness I am talking about here is present moment awareness.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly replaying things that happen in the past.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly anticipating what is going to happen in the future.

It is important to develop your ability to stay in the present moment so that you can be more aware of what is happening both inside (eg. clingy, bad temper, big ego etc.) and outside (eg. your ex’s current emotional state) of yourself.

If this is the first time you heard of this concept of present moment awareness, you may find it a little bit abstract.

So I am going to try my best to explain it in a more layman language. Maybe the best way is to look at examples that can happen in real life.

 

Let’s look at the first example.

Have you ever tried talking to someone who is not fully present?

Maybe while you are talking to him, he is so busy checking his phone.

Or maybe while you are talking to him, he is looking at you. Yet, you can somehow sense that he is not fully present. (Very Big Hint: You cannot fake awareness! People can sense it!)

Maybe he is thinking about something that happened in the past. Maybe he is thinking about what is going to happen in the future. You can feel that he is zoned out.

Maybe he is your ex boyfriend? How do you feel when he is not fully present? Do you feel an emotional disconnection?

Are you guilty of that yourself? Have you spent your entire life not being fully present?

 

Let’s look at the second example.

Without present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are constantly thinking about the future. You are constantly thinking about what to say next so much so that you didn’t notice he is worried.

Ouch! You just lose an opportunity for deep emotional connection.

 

With present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are fully present. You realize that he seems a little bit worried. So you ask him what happen.

He tells you that his company is downsizing and he is worried about losing his job.

He feels more emotionally connected to you because you are actually aware of how he feels.

 

Let’s look at the third example.

Without present moment awareness:

Your boyfriend is having an important exam. Because of that, he has to spend more time studying and therefore call you less often.

Due to the lack of awareness, you are acting on autopilot mode. You are insecure. You started over texting him, surprised him by going to his place etc.

He can’t take it anymore and decided to break up with you.

 

With present moment awareness:

You are still insecure. You pick up the phone wanting to text him.

Fortunately, you have been cultivating awareness. Therefore, you are no longer acting on autopilot.

Because of your awareness, you managed to catch yourself on the act before you do something silly that will push your boyfriend away.

Because of your awareness, you can put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend. You know he still loves you but is just too busy to call you as often.

You continue working on your awareness. Eventually, you even managed to overcome your insecurity. Now, insecurity no longer has any hold on you.

Hopefully, after looking at these 3 examples, you have a glimpse of how present moment awareness can help you get your ex back.

 

Awareness Cannot Be Faked If You Don’t Have It

As mentioned above, you can’t fake awareness.

While reading this section, you may be thinking to yourself, “Ya, I kind of know what awareness is.”

However, that is only knowing it intellectually. You haven’t really developed the skill. This can be easily verified with your ex. If one text message or Facebook status update from your ex boyfriend put you back into panic mode, then you know you still need a lot of practice.

It is just like skating. Seeing other people skate is easy. But wait till you put on the skates. You will probably fall the first time you try.

The only way to learn how to skate is to practice. Similarly, you need to practice in order to develop awareness. You can’t just read this article and claim that you know it all.

 

Awareness Is Not A Magic Pill

Now, I am not saying that once you developed awareness, you will no longer be nervous around your ex. It is just that you will be more calm when dealing with your ex. You are also less likely to act on autopilot.

Maybe this is a better way to describe it:

With awareness, you will learn to respond instead of react.

 

Example:

Without awareness:

Your ex boyfriend is angry at you and tells you that it is impossible between the two of you.

You get desperate and start reacting on autopilot. You start begging and pleading. Obviously, this is not going to help you get your ex back.

 

With awareness:

Same scenario.

You still feel a sense of desperation. Fortunately, you have been working on your awareness. You are aware that you are going to react (beg and plead). Because of that awareness, you manage to stop yourself in the track.

You are also aware of how your ex boyfriend feels. You know he is saying that because he is angry at you.

Therefore, you know you don’t have to take “impossible to be together” too seriously. Instead, you are able to respond by empathizing with him.

So while awareness is not a magic pill, it gives you the capacity to deal with all kinds of awkward situations thrown to you by your ex.

This will not be possible if you are relying on text message or magic letter templates.

I understand that having some templates can be helpful in certain situations. However, you will still need present moment awareness as the foundation. You need to be fully present when you are interacting with your ex. Otherwise, what are you going to say once you run out of templates?

 

How To Develop Awareness?

There are many ways to develop awareness. So feel free to conduct your own research about this topic.

But since you are here, I want to share with you something practical.

In my opinion, one of the best ways to develop present moment awareness is through meditation.

I know there are other get your ex back websites that may have mentioned meditation. However, I think they are missing the point.

They make it seem like you can practice meditation whenever you feel like doing it. However, I really encourage you to make it a daily routine. Make it a habit.

I am not making this up out of thin air.

There have been a lot of scientific studies done on meditation. So it is scientifically proven that regular meditation brings a whole host of benefits. It makes you healthier, calmer, happier and more.

Of course, for the purpose of this article, we are more interested in using meditation to develop awareness so that you have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back. So you can treat the other benefits as a bonus.

If you are interested to find out what other benefits meditation can bring, you can find out more yourself as this is out of scope of this article.

 

The Breath Meditation

One of the most common meditation methods is the breath meditation. Basically, all you do is to sit on a chair or on the floor cross legged, keep your back straight, close your eyes gently and focus on your breath.

Follow the breath as you breathe in and out. The idea here is to be fully present in your own body. Be aware of your own breath.

This might seem to be an easy thing to do. But wait till you try it and you will see how difficult it can be especially if this is the first time you are doing it.

After all, you have probably spent your whole life not being fully present. I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming most of my visitors are at least 20 years old.

So you have spent at least 20 years not practicing awareness. Therefore, it is normal to find meditation difficult. While you are trying hard to focus on the breath, I wouldn’t be surprised if new thoughts keep on coming up, especially thoughts about your ex.

That is often called the monkey mind. The purpose of meditation is to learn how to tame the monkey mind, so that you can be more present and aware.

The Release Meditation Method

I usually practice the breath mediation but I do realize that it is not the easiest method to get into for beginners.

Fortunately, I came across this “Release Meditation Method” on Youtube. In my opinion, it is easier to get into for most people compared to Breath Mediation.

However, once you get the hang of Release Meditation, I do encourage you to practice Breath Mediation.

I embedded the video below. Watch for instructions.

 

How Meditation Can Help You Get Your Ex Back

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you can just meditate somewhere in the cave of a mountain and your ex will come back to you miraculously.

Obviously, that’s not how meditation is going to help you get your ex back.

What meditation does it that it gives you the awareness you need to handle both yourself and your ex.

For example, you may be someone who gets angry easily. You often argue with your ex boyfriend. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke up with you.

Without meditation, you will just automatically act on your anger when someone (your ex boyfriend) pushes your button. It is as if you have no control over your own emotions. You are living life just like a robot.

With meditation, when your button is pushed, you managed to recognize that you are going to get angry just one second before you act on it and explode on your ex boyfriend.

Don’t underestimate that one second. That gives you just enough time to make a U-turn. You are now more in control of your own emotions and it certainly makes you more human.

Of course, I am just using anger as an example. Basically, meditation and awareness works for all kinds of emotions.

Can you see how this is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

 

Meditation and Awareness Are Not Something That Can Be Fully Described With Words

There is only so much I can tell you about the benefits of meditation and awareness in words.

You really need to try for yourself to experience the benefits.

I know this is probably not the best analogy but I can’t think of a better one right now. So I will use it anyway.

It is just like sex. I can tell you how wonderful sex is and how great it feels. But if you never have sex before, you won’t know exactly how great it feels. All you have is intellectual knowledge.

It is the same for meditation and awareness. So don’t just read this article and think you have grasp everything. No matter how busy you are, try to block a period of time where you just meditate.

After all, you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your ex boyfriend back right?

 

Some Exceptions

But there are some exceptions. If you are suffering from severe depression or any psychiatric conditions where you are taking medications, then you may want to consult your doctor first. Otherwise, meditation is generally safe and highly beneficial for most people.

 

The Next Skill To Cultivate – Acceptance

Before you can cultivate Acceptance, you need to work on Awareness first. They go hand in hand. You can’t accept something if you are not even aware of what to accept.

 

Why Acceptance Is Important

I would like to start off this section with a question I received because it perfectly illustrates what happen when you are in non-acceptance (resistance) mode.

Hopefully, after reading my analysis of this question, you will start to see why it is so important to cultivate Acceptance if you want to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Here is the question:

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

As you can see from the question above, she didn’t give me a lot of details about her relationship. I do not know what causes the breakup and what she did over the 8 months period. So I can’t really give her very specific suggestion.

But I do see familiarity in her situation because it is very common. I receive similar question from time to time. Most probably, you will be able to relate to some of the experiences she is going through. So let’s start the analysis.

 

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35.

I am going to take this opportunity to dispel a very popular myth here. It is “Time heals all wounds”.

If you have visited other get your ex back websites, you will usually see advice such as just go no contact for 30 or whatever number of days and you will start feeling better.

There are also advice such as go to the gym, eat healthier, exercise, go out with friends and other external methods.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t do those things. After all, if you haven’t been meeting your friends because you were spending too much time with your ex, then it is probably a good time to start catching up with them again.

If you have been leading an unhealthy lifestyle, then it is not a bad idea to start eating healthier and exercising more regularly. They do help you feel a little bit better. However, those are very superficial stuff and won’t really help you heal fully.

Perhaps you have already tried doing those external things? Maybe you have even been in no contact for a few weeks. So are you truly feeling better now?

If you are really honest with yourself, most probably, the answer is no.

Sure, on the surface, you may be feeling better after 30 days of no contact. But the real test comes when you are interacting with your ex. If you find yourself always reacting over your ex’s every move and are constantly in a state of emotional turmoil, then you know you have not truly healed.

 

Susan mentioned she has used no contact for 35 days. She also said:

I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again.

From that alone, I know she has not really healed from the breakup after 35 days of no contact.

I am not sure what she did during those 35 days. But I am assuming that she is doing a very passive form of no contact. Basically, just waiting for “time to heal all wounds”, which is definitely not a very effective approach.

Alternatively, she may be focusing on those external things mentioned earlier. Again, not a very effective approach to heal a broken heart.

As long as she focuses on the wrong approach, it doesn’t matter whether she goes no contact for 35 days or 350 days. She won’t be able to heal fully.

I am not exaggerating here. Just a few days ago, I receive a comment from a woman who is still hurting one year after her break up. And I know there are people out there who are still hurting even after a few years.

When you are focusing on those external stuff, all you are doing is distracting yourself. You are simply ignoring and suppressing the pain but the pain is still going to be there for a very long time.

 

So What Is The Key To Healing A Broken Heart?

If you want to see better results, you should focus on cultivating Awareness and Acceptance instead.

Here is an analogy:

Imagine there is a hole in the roof of your house. Every time it rains, your house is going to be wet.

You can do nothing for 30 days and the hole is still going to be there.

Sure, you may start feeling better after 30 days but that is not because the hole is no longer there. It is because you have gotten used to living in a wet house. You are used to numbing yourself.

This may work for a short period of time. But eventually, you still have to face the consequences of ignoring the hole. The hole is going to become bigger. When winter comes, you are going to feel the effect.

You can also focus on the external stuff like scooping the water out of the house or placing a pail under the hole.

Yes, now you are doing something. But the result is still the same. The hole is still there.

Why not try a better approach?

First, you need to be aware that there is a hole in the roof.

Next, you need to accept that the hole is there.

This is called acceptance.

Some people may try to resist the fact because of various reasons.

Oh, it is so troublesome.

It cost money to get someone to fix the hole.

I have to clean up after that.

I have to stay at home while they are repairing the roof.

This is called resistance.

But there is no point trying to resist it. Might as well fix it now. The more and longer you resist, the more sufferings you are going to bring to yourself.

 

Roof Repair vs Break Up

Yes, I know the roof repair example seems pretty obvious right?

But when it comes to your relationship, suddenly, what you need to do is not so obvious anymore.

Well, it is not your fault. After all, a break up is a lot more emotional compared to a hole in the roof.

When emotions are high, logic get thrown out of the window.

And the fact that there are so many websites telling you to do nothing or external stuff during no contact is making you more confused.

That is why you didn’t have the awareness to focus on the right things in the first place.

Hopefully, after reading this section, you are at least aware that those approaches won’t help you to heal a broken heart.

You are going to do better if you focus on Acceptance instead.

 

Using Acceptance To Heal A Broken Heart

Acceptance is about embracing both the positive and negative experiences.

When it comes to healing a broken heart, it means allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, anxiety etc.

You need to accept that you are feeling hurt. This is the first step of the healing process.

As human beings, we have a natural tendency to avoid pain. That is probably why doing those external stuff seem so appealing. When you are doing things like dating other people, going to the gym, waiting for time to heal your wounds, you don’t have to face those negative emotions.

Unfortunately, you can only suppress those emotions or numb yourself for so long. Eventually, they are going to come back and bite you in the most unexpected way.

For example, a visitor of my blog once told me that she lost it one day. She was trying really hard to get her ex boyfriend back and wasn’t seeing any progress. Eventually, she lost control and screamed at her ex.

That is why it is so important to face your emotions now rather than later. The sooner you face them, the sooner you can begin the healing process. This will give you greater emotional strength to handle any obstacles when you are trying to get your boyfriend back.

Using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) To Release Your Emotions

One very effective method you can use to heal yourself is the Emotional Freedom Technique.

Now, I want to be upfront with you. I am not an expert in EFT. My only exposure to EFT was through a workshop that I attended a few years ago.

However, I do find EFT very helpful in releasing negative emotions whenever I use it. I have also seen how my fellow participants benefited from EFT on their first attempt.

The beauty behind this technique is that you don’t have to be an expert in order to benefit from it.

You can just start tapping yourself and experience the benefits by following the instructions in the video below.

Of course, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. I am sharing it with you because it has worked for me and I have seen it worked for others. Therefore, I think you may find it helpful too.

Just to share with you what I learned from my EFT instructor. For beginners, they will have a 50% success rate when using EFT to resolve their own issues.

However, for those with deeper emotional issues, self tapping may not be as effective. They can consider seeking help from a skilful EFT practitioner who has the ability to guide them through the entire process.

Just in case you are wondering, the lady in the video is not my EFT instructor.

I chose to embed this video here because after looking through a number of EFT videos on Youtube, this is the most relevant and helpful for breakups.

 

Accepting The Break Up

It is also important to accept that the break up has already happened. The old relationship is gone. Don’t try to fix or get the old relationship back.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Ok, so I accept the break up and I am going to let him go.”

If you really think it is best for both of you to go separate way, that is perfectly fine.

On the other hand, if deep inside your heart, you still want him back, yet you are letting him go without even trying, then that is not called acceptance. It is called resignation.

Back to the roof example. Acceptance means you accept that there is a hole in the roof and you actually do something constructive. You call the roof repair company.

The keyword here is constructive.

You don’t say something like “Ok, I accept that there is a hole in the roof. I will just let it be.” That is called resignation.

 

What Does It Really Mean To Accept The Breakup?

Accepting the break up means you don’t fixate on the past.

You don’t keep on thinking, “If only I have done this. If only I have done that. The break up will not have happen.”

The fact is, you can’t undo the past. I am not telling you to forget about the past completely. After all, it is a good idea to learn from your mistakes.

But once you know your mistakes, it is time to let the past go. For example, if your ex broke up with you because you were too needy, then just take note of that. Don’t beat yourself up for your neediness.

You can spend 30 days of no contact thinking, “If only I weren’t so needy, he wouldn’t have left me.” 30 days later, you are still a needy person and still not in a good position to win him back.

I am sure you can see this is not a very constructive approach.

It is much better to say, “Alright, I was needy in the past and still is. I completely accept that. I will do something to overcome my neediness”

Don’t you think that is a more constructive approach that will give you a better chance to get your ex back?

 

Accepting the break up also means recognizing that your ex boyfriend is a human being, just like you.

Sometimes, I receive comments from women saying things like,

“He is so stubborn!”

“He is a commitment phobe.”

In a way, this is a form of resistance. You are resisting because he is not behaving in the way you want him to.

Sure, your ex boyfriend may indeed be stubborn, a commitment phobe or any labels you are giving him. But when you strip all those labels away, he is a human being just like you.

Just like you, he has emotions.

Just like you, he has his own fears to deal with.

Just like you, he wants to be happy.

Whenever you use a label on people, you are closing the door to emotional connection.

If you label someone as hostile, you will have the tendency to react in a hostile manner too, basically fighting fire with fire. Obviously, you can’t extinguish fire with fire.

He will continue to be hostile towards you, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Needless to say, the interaction is not going to turn out well.

On the other hand, when you see him as a human being, suddenly he is no longer a hostile person. He is just someone who is angry and acting in a hostile way.

Instead of reacting with hostility, you become curious about him. You started wondering why he is so angry and acting hostile.

You started talking to him with empathy and found out why he was in such a bad mood.

Maybe he just lost his job and he is worried about his home being repossessed.

Now, you have opened the door to emotional connection. He felt understood by you. Obviously, he is no longer hostile towards you.

If you are able to bring the same level of acceptance in your interaction with your ex boyfriend, you are going to have a much better chance to establish an emotional connection with him.

 

Accepting the breakup also means being at peace with the fact that he is no longer your boyfriend.

In other words, you need to accept that he is no longer going to call you or text you everyday.

You need to accept that he is no longer going to celebrate your birthday for you.

You need to accept that he has the rights to date other women.

You need to accept that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.

At this point, you may be thinking, “I might as well stop trying to get my boyfriend back.”

Well, as mentioned earlier, acceptance is not resignation.

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means you don’t try to resist the reality.

The reason I am asking you to accept all those things above is because once you truly able to do so, it frees you from anxiety. Without that anxiety, you are less likely to make all the common mistakes that push your ex further away.

For example, if your ex boyfriend is dating another woman, you can certainly try to resist it. You can refuse to accept the reality. Therefore, you started doing all kinds of funny things.

Maybe you spend the whole day checking your ex’s Facebook profile. Maybe you keep on asking your ex about the other woman. Maybe you are constantly worried about whether he will really fall in love with that woman.

When you do those things, you lose awareness. You are not in the present moment. You are constantly worried about the past and future. Needless to say, when you are talking to your ex with that kind of mindset, the interaction is not going to feel good. Your ex will feel pressured and pull away from you.

On the other hand, you may not like the fact that he is dating another woman. You may not think that she is compatible with him. And of course, you still want him back. But you are able to accept the fact that he is dating another woman.

Because of that acceptance, you are able to bring a state of calmness when you are interacting with your ex. Your mind won’t be so preoccupied with the thoughts of him with another woman.

With awareness, you are even able to notice that he seems a little bit unhappy. So you are able to ask him with empathy.

Because of that, he felt understood. He is able to feel that you get him. So he opens up to you. He told you that after dating the other woman for some time, he realizes that he still loves you more.

You manage to form an emotional connection with him. You are making progress. Now you are one step closer to getting him back.

 

Can you see how important Acceptance is?

I think this is worth mentioning. I know there are a good number of women who push their ex away because of neediness.

Imagine that you used to be needy. But now, you are able to bring Awareness and Acceptance in your interaction with your ex.

Don’t you think that is going to change your ex’s opinion of you?

Don’t you think you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

Don’t you think that is going to work better than playing mind games or relying on templates to get your ex back?

Acceptance put you in a position of strength. Resistance put you in a position of weakness.

 

Acceptance Needs To Be Practised

Just like awareness, acceptance needs to be practised. You can’t just read this article and say, “Haha, I am now in full acceptance of everything.”

That is not going to happen for most people. After all, most of us have spent our entire life judging and putting a label on people, resisting reality, holding on to things and refusing to let go.

We have spent our entire life practising the habit of resistance. Therefore, it is going to take some time to cultivate the habit of acceptance.

For example, you might read this article and agree with everything I said about acceptance. Then the next moment, you realized that your ex didn’t wish you happy birthday.

You started panicking and over analyzing things, wondering whether he still loves you. Or maybe you react with anger, “How dare he forget my birthday!” If this is your reaction, then you know you still need some practise.

Right now, you only have an intellectual understanding of acceptance. So your goal is to make it become a part of you.

 

How To Practise Acceptance?

Well, start small. Start somewhere.

 

1. Are there people (acquaintances, neighbors, co workers, family members) you dislike because of some preconceived notion you have about them?

What labels are you using on them?

Maybe it is time to drop the labels?

Maybe it is time to get to know them more?

 

2. Can you start changing your reaction to some unimportant things in life?

Maybe you used to get angry whenever you miss the bus. Can you start smiling or at least don’t get so angry?

The bus is gone. No point resisting reality and getting angry, giving yourself high blood pressure. Make sense?

Maybe you decided to have a cup of coffee at a nearby coffee shop because you miss the bus. Then you realize the coffee taste so good!

Who knows? Perhaps this can be a good place to ask your ex out for a cup of coffee, when you are ready to meet him again.

Basically, the idea here is to cultivate the habit to focus on the positives.

When you can practise acceptance on the unimportant things in life, you will eventually be able to bring that acceptance to the more important things in life, such as the interaction with your ex.

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas on how to start practicing acceptance.

 

How The Situation Can Be Better With Acceptance

Let us take a look at the previous question again.

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

 

This time round, we are going to see how the situation can turn out differently with Acceptance.

1. With acceptance, Susan can heal faster because she allows herself to feel the negative emotions instead of suppressing them.

2. With acceptance, Susan can accept the fact that he may not call her and be ok with that. She is willing to take the initiative to call him when she is emotionally ready to do so.

3. With acceptance, Susan is less likely to make the mistakes most people are making when they are trying to get their ex back.

For example, in the question above, Susan said she has tried everything over 8 months without any significant results. She was getting hot and cold responses, in other words, mixed signals from her ex.

What Susan may not realize is that mixed signals is very common when you are trying to get an ex back.

 

Why does your ex give you mixed signals?

There are 2 possible reasons.

 

1. Your ex is stringing you along.

Of course, Susan didn’t give me enough details about her situation. So I can’t tell whether her ex is stringing her along. But for the purpose of this section, let’s assume that Susan’s ex is NOT stringing her along.

 

2. Your ex is starting develop feelings for you again.

That explains the hot behavior.

On the other hand, he is afraid of getting back into the same old relationship only to break up and get hurt again. He is not sure whether you have really changed for the better.

That explains the cold behavior.

In other words, the cold behavior is a way your ex is using to test you.

That doesn’t mean your ex is purposely setting a test for you. More often than not, this is an unconscious process that is going on inside the head of your ex.

In other words, your ex doesn’t even know he is testing you. He is just acting on autopilot, based on his emotions.

After all, I don’t think your ex have read this article or any articles that reveal similar concepts. So he is probably not practising awareness or acceptance like what you will hopefully start doing after reading this article.

So your level of acceptance is going to determine whether you pass or fail his test.

For example, in the early stages of saving your relationship, he is still very resistant towards you.

With patience, you finally manage to get him to open up to you again. Both of you started texting each other more often.

Then one day, he started withdrawing from you again. He started giving you one word reply.

At this point, most women will probably panic because that is not what they want. They can’t accept that. They just want their ex to keep on texting them more and more.

So they started sending all kinds of text messages such as jokes, pictures etc in order to elicit a response from their ex.

Obviously, that is going to push the ex further away. This is especially true if your ex broke up with you because you were needy.

Now, your ex can see that you are still needy. That means you fail his test.

On the other hand, with acceptance, you are more calm. You are able to accept the fact that sometimes, things will not go your way. You realize that maybe you were trying to move too fast.

So once you see your ex starting to give cold signal (one word reply), you realize that you need to take things a little bit more slowly. You decided to cut down the number of messages you are sending him.

Now, you pass the test because you have been practising acceptance.

 

The Next Skill You Should Focus On – Communication

I know Communication is not a sexy word. In fact, it sounds really boring and cliche.

It is definitely not as exciting as the secret psychological tactics you can use to get your ex back.

But let’s face it. Ineffective communication is probably the number one reason for breaking up. So if communication is not an important skill to focus on, then what else is?

Yes, there may be 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, everyone’s situation is unique. But if you really take the time to analyze your situation, you can probably trace it back to a communication problem.

Here is a typical example which is very common:

She is staying together with her boyfriend but she seldom get to see him because he spends a lot of time at work.

Obviously, she wanted him to spend more time with her. Therefore, she asked him to spend less time at work in order to have work life balance.

He started working less and spending more time with his buddies.

Did he listen to her?

Yes!

Did she get what she wanted?

No!

Why?

Communication problem.

She didn’t tell him exactly what she wanted. She didn’t tell him exactly what she meant by work life balance. Eventually, her resentment for her boyfriend grows. Eventually, that resentment explodes into a big argument followed by a break up.

On the surface, the break up is caused by that big argument. But the root cause of the break up is ineffective communication.

So what should she say to her boyfriend instead?

Should she just tell him that she wants him to spend more time with her?

Well, that is a bit better than simply telling him about work life balance and expecting him to figure out what work life balance really means. But it is still not specific enough.

A much better approach is to simply tell him that she would appreciates if he can spend a weekday evening together every week.

 

Be Clear About What You Want

This is a basic principle in effective communication.

In order to get what you want, don’t just tell people what you don’t want. You need to tell them exactly what you want. Be specific, just like the example above.

Don’t just tell your boyfriend not to spend so much time at work. Don’t just tell him to spend more time with you. Be more specific about what spending more time really mean.

After all, most people won’t have the skills to read your mind.

It is just like in a restaurant. If you just tell the waiter that you don’t want salad, it is only going to guarantee that you won’t get salad. But you are probably not going to get the food you really want.

If you can’t tell people exactly what you want, then a possible reason is because you are not exactly clear about what you want.

If that is the case, take some time to think about what you really want before making a request.

 

What If The Main Cause of Your Breakup Is Not Communication?

I understand that not all breakups are caused by ineffective communication. Even if that is the case, I will still strongly encourage you to work on your communication skills.

After all, I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from better communication.

By working on yourself in this area, you are not just helping yourself in your romantic relationship and increasing your chance to get your ex back. Your non-romantic relationships will also improve.

 

How To Improve Your Communication Skill?

One way to get started is to read some good books and start practising what you learned in real life.

There are so many books written on this topic of communication alone. So obviously, there is no space for me to share everything I know in just one article. And this article is already getting very long but I still have a lot of information to share with you here.

If you are interested to take your communication skill to the next level, you may want to check out this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Although this book is not specifically about getting your ex back or saving a relationship, I believe you will gain a lot of insight about why you were not getting through to your ex with your previous communication approaches.

You can read the reviews of this book at Amazon here.

If you are interested to learn how to improve your communication with the opposite gender, you can check out Conversation Chemistry by Mirabelle Summers.

 

The Number One Equation For Getting Your Ex Back

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, there is only one equation you need to remember.

It is a very simple equation.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

The fact that you have broken up means the current relationship dynamics is not working. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need a “different” and obviously “better” relationship dynamics.

So how do you change the relationship dynamics?

Well, by changing the left hand side of the equation.

Obviously, your have no control over “Your Ex”. You can only control the “You” part of the equation.

In other words, you need to work on yourself! That is why I spent a good portion of this article talking about awareness, acceptance and communication.

When you get serious and start working on these important relationship skills on a daily basis and make them a part of your life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for the relationship dynamics to stay the same.

 

There Are Consequences For Ignoring This Equation

Let’s take a look at the equation again.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

You can certainly ignore the equation and choose to skip the important step of “You” (real internal transformation) and try to get your ex back immediately.

Just be aware that there are consequences for doing so.

Here is a very typical example of an on again, off again relationship:

Let say your ex boyfriend suddenly decided to breakup with you.

So you started reacting on autopilot (due to lack of awareness and acceptance). You begged and pleaded for another chance, promising that you will change.

It worked for the first time. Your ex boyfriend decided to give the relationship another try.

Guess what happen next? Your ex boyfriend realized that the “Relationship Dynamics” is still the same. Nothing has changed. It shouldn’t be surprising. After all, “You” didn’t change.

So he decided to break up with you again.

Once again, you are back to autopilot mode. You begged and pleaded again.

Maybe he will decide to get back together with you the second time. But I believe you can already see how this relationship is going to turn out.

Most likely, it is going to end up in another break up because “You” still haven’t change. And this time round, your ex boyfriend has enough of you.

 

This Equation Is Applicable To Every Breakup Situation

Your situation may not be the same as the example above but it doesn’t matter.

The equation is still very relevant to your situation. I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from a better version of “You”.

In fact, I want to introduce another component to this equation.

Your Ex + You + Time = Relationship Dynamics

Yes, that’s right!

Please take your time to get your ex back.

Very often, I see people just can’t wait to get back together with their ex.

I am here to tell you to:

Sloooooooooooooooowwwwwww doooooooooooooowwwwwwwn!

There is no point of getting back together when the “You” part of the equation is still the same. It is just going to lead to another breakup.

You need time for real internal transformation. That is not going to happen overnight.

You need time to date your ex instead of getting back together immediately. That gives you the chance to change the relationship dynamics.

Your ex needs time to see that you have really changed. You ex needs time to decide whether it is a good idea to get back together with you. You want that to be his idea so that he will be more committed to the relationship.

If you like the information on this article, then sign up for my newsletter below. I have a lot more information to share with you in my newsletter that will give you a better chance to win your ex back.

146 thoughts on “What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

  1. Hi Mark, my ex and I broke up a month ago, we had a bad week and I pointed out a few of his lifestyle choices that I didn’t like so much. Instead of working on things he has decided to ignore it all and run away from the relationship. I contacted him 2 weeks later as I missed him and all the things we had together, it wasn’t all bad. He agreed to come over, we text a little bit, had 1 nice phone call, but I noticed he was distant in the days after that.. I found him on dating sites!!! He says he is on there through boredom, we had a fight and he changed his mind about coming over to see me and now he says he even though he cares for me so much and wants me to be happy, doesn’t want a girlfriend anymore and doesn’t think I would be happy with him as a partner. I got upset, a little desperate and needy in the texting after that and he stopped replying to me.. Its been 4 days and no contact. What do you suggest I do?

    • Sometimes, you need to compromise in a relationship. I do not know what are his lifestyle choices. If they are something really serious such as substance addiction or anything that will seriously affect a relationship, then you should definitely point them out. On the other hand, if they are not something too serious, then you have to decide whether you can compromise on them.

      Of course, I am not saying you can’t tell him about it. The key lies in how you talk to him about it. It is most probably a communication problem. What did you say to him? How did you point out to him? And what are his lifestyle choices that you don’t like?

      As for what you should do, follow the advice in this article. Work on yourself until you are sure you are no longer in reaction mode before you contact him again. He is putting up a wall of resistance against you now. The more you try to push, the more you react to his resistance, the more he will resist you. The only way to melt his resistance is to bring awareness and acceptance when you are interacting with him. This takes a bit of practise. Follow the suggestions in this article.

  2. Hi Mark!

    I just recently hung out with my ex first week of February and we’ve been constantly hanging out since then til now. We also had sex 3 times since then but we assured each other that it’s just thatcand nothing more. I thought everything was going well but last night he confessed that he is already been seeing someone since last month. (Less than 2 months after we broke up and we’ve been together for 3yrs and 6months)

    Though it hurt me like hell knowing he wants someone else, i did not let that bother me because i thought to myself that it is beyond my control and Im still determined to win him back and I feel that I still have a chance because he agreed to give me a chance to show him I changed and is willing to hang out with me and talk to me again without sex this time.

    What should I do to win him back? We broke up almost 3 months already. :(

    • I think you did very well so far. You were pretty calm and did not react to the situation.

      If you have already decided that he is worth getting back and you are determined to do so, then I suggest that you just let him be. Let him date the other woman.

      After all, it is not like you have control over him. I know it may sound a bit counter intuitive. You may even want to be supportive of his current relationship.

      This is what I predict will happen. It is very likely that he is in a rebound relationship. And most probably, the other woman knows he is seeing you.

      Sooner or later, she is probably going to get jealous and insecure. And when she is jealous and insecure, she will probably lose control and argue with him. When that happens, he may realize that you are the better woman and decided to get back together with you.

      I know this may seem like a game but what I just said can happen although there is no guarantee.

      If you want to have the best chance to win him back, you need to be able to keep your cool, much better than the other woman.

  3. Hi Mark,

    So my Ex and I stopped talking to each other already. He said 3days ago that he didn’t want to continue seeing me anymore because he doesnt see the point. He said it is no longer worth it. I panicked a little bit and reacted bad, i ended up explaining to him and looked like I was begging (again). As soon as I realized that I was looking needy again already, I stopped. I said okay, I understad him and that I would respect his decision.

    He even told me that we already saw each other and talked to each other so many times already but he didn’t see any changes. He said that I am still controlling and selfish. (I also agree on this because I was still being selfish and asking him to do things as if I was still his girlfriend and even forced him to do things).

    I realized that i was still the same person I was when he walked out in our relationship and that I didn’t change. Also, in the course of 3 months of our break up, I never really did the active no contact rule because since we broke up, i messaged him weekly and asked him to see me, which he only agreed to do so, last month. We saw each other for 4times and talked about our relationship but nothing has changed between us. He even told me the last time we talked that the break up havent really sunk in on him because im still always around.

    So mark this time, i have decided to some REAL changes on myself first and give him his space and do an Active no contact so he could also think and breathe and even experience life without me.The active no contact is the only thing I havebt tried yet. Do you think this is a good way? And how will I know when to contact him again? I really wanna show him I can change for the better.

    • If you want have the best result for practising Active No Contact (ANC), then you need to join ESP because they are the only Ex Back Program that teaches ANC. I have written a review for ESP here.

      To answer your question, is it a good way? Well, do you want to have a great relationship in the future?

      I will be honest with you here. There is no guarantee that you will get him back even after you have some REAL changes. But doing so will certainly improve your chances. In fact, REAL changes is probably the only way you can get him back now because he already told you the reason why he doesn’t want to get back together with you is because you haven’t change.

      In the worst case scenario, where you didn’t manage to get him back, these REAL changes will benefit you in your future relationship. Put it this way, the skills you will learn during ANC are lifelong skills that will help you have a great relationship in the future, whether it is with your ex or someone else.

      How will I know when to contact him again? This is covered in ESP. After you have practised ANC taught in ESP for 30 days, they will release a video that talks about whether you are ready to contact your ex. This video will only be available 30 days after you join ESP because they don’t want you to contact your ex before you have some REAL changes. You can read my review here to decide whether this program is for you.

  4. Dear Mark,

    My ex-boyfriend and I broke up three months ago. We had a very romantic and intimate relationship for three years, and we had a strong emotional connection. However, we had grown very distant as we attended different universities, and I started to lose attraction for him. Soon, things between us became very toxic. He was so busy with his own activities and I kept pushing him to give me time, which blew up in a very heated argument and lead to our breakup. One month ago, I tried to get him back because I realized the relationship meant too much to let go of without giving my complete and utmost effort. I wholeheartedly apologized for my behavior and for hurting him, for I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues during our relationship and I became insensitive to his emotional needs. During our talk, I did not give him any excuses, but directly told that I realized the error of my mistakes and my role in the demise of our relationship. I told him that I cared him about him very much, and he said that he cared about me too. I also told him I accepted our breakup and was willing to start over. He assured me he forgave me for it all, but did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore because he lost attraction for me, and he felt like the relationship had ran its course. I suggested that we get to know each other again, and take things very, very slowly, and hopefully get back together if things worked out. I was in complete control of my emotions, but I kept pushing for him to give us another chance, even when he said no multiple times. He became extremely angry and unwilling to even be friends with me, because he does not trust me or my intentions anymore. I then told him that I was happy with his decision, and that I just want to be a good friend to him. He admitted that the relationship was a big part of his life, and he needs a lot of time away from me in order to heal.

    How do I initiate reconciliation with him while respecting his decision for space and build his trust in me again?

    Furthermore, is there a chance for us to be together again, or should I just move on?

    • I don’t think your situation is completely hopeless. So it is definitely worth trying at least one more time.

      He says he needs a lot of time away from you in order to heal. That may be true but it is more likely to be a reaction because you have pushed him a bit too much. Don’t contact him for a while. Let the heat settle down first before you contact him again. And when you do contact him, make sure you don’t push him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. You want to make the contact as low pressure as possible. That is where acceptance comes in.

      So don’t push for reconciliation right away. One step at a time. Now he is not even willing to talk to you. So get on talking terms first before you move on to the next step.

  5. Hello Mark,
    I do not really know where to start. First off congrats on the blog! Absolutely amazing! Very true and I got tired of feeling like I was manipulating my relationship from the very beginning how I hated it. I grew hating myself more and more because of how much I loved him. Still do. We are still very young and were only together for 3 years and a few months. He is my high school sweet heart. He has my heart and thinking of being apart from him brings me to tears even now.
    We have tried the whole break/break up several times but we could never fully stay apart. It was strange, like we both were completely out of balance and either I would go after him or he would come and find me. Or simply we would both come back.
    For a while now he has been the one wanting to go on a break/break up. I get confused because he says he does not want to be in a relationship right now. That he has too much on his plate and I have too much on mine. He may be right but it did not mean that it didn’t hurt. We had a serious talk about it and I think I accidentally flipped the tables on him. I told him do you want me to stop being your lover/girlfriend/partner? Or do you want me to stop being your second mother? I can still remember his facial expression, he looked shock but also as if something had clicked. I told him it was my fault for the way things were going. My anxiety, my insecurities, me not being able to accept the past, not being able to move away from it, that even though I started to get help I was relying too much on him and others to deal with me. To understand me.
    I also told him the reason why he probably felt unsure was because his freedom was at risk. I feel like I have no control over my life so in order to deal with it, I tried to control his life. Wanted to know where he was, why he was there, when he would leave, why didn’t he call when he said he would, etc. Too much did that boy do for me. And he still is. He ended up saying that he wanted us to continue to be friends and get back to how we used to be and that there was a possibility of us getting back together and still having our future together.
    Even though he wanted to do the break, at the same time I caught an infection in my right foot. The same day he said he wanted us to still be friends, I was bed rested. I needed to get up to eat in the kitchen. Even though things were the way they were, he picked me up and carried me to the kitchen. He did the same when I was done eating. I insisted that he did not need to do it that I could walk. But he did it anyway.
    I am so confused, I honestly truly do not know what to do! I am giving him the space that he needs and realized that I need it to fix me so we can be together later permanently. (hopefully) He tells me how unsure he is about his feelings, that he doesn’t want a relationship now, but he still wants me in his life.
    He even said he wanted to limit all the physical contact, we haven’t had sex, he wanted to make sure that none of this was just sexual desire that he had for me. In a way I felt respected yet very rejected…
    Either way I understood him and told him I would continue being his friend then he smiled at me, a very warm smile that I had not seen on his face for a while… Since the breaks/breakups have happened before I did not really cry as much or felt completely hopeless, instead I was realizing too much about myself. I want him back, I love him, he has my heart, but after just a day and a few hours I realized I needed to do self improving.
    My issue now if that HE WILL NOT STOP CONTACTING ME!!! Text messages and facebook messages/notifications/likes/sending me videos to watch. Did I watch the video? How am I? What am I doing? (I am bed rested so there is not too much excitement here.) When I had to go back to school to tell the professors that i would be out for some time, I did ask him to help me out with walking, as soon as he saw my mother’s van he ran as fast as he could and was at the door before I could even grasp that he was already there by my side.
    He does act hot and cold with me in person. Being bed rested I realized how much I needed to work on myself but he is obviously always contacting me and I do not know what to do! If I distance myself a bit he will notice and possibly feel like I am angry or moving on. I don’t know what to tell him or how to act with him. He also made plans for us to eat lunch together this Thursday and he wants me to continue to sit with him in the library while I study and do homework.
    Its not that I can’t do it. I can do it calmly and be the friend that he is asking without the pleading and begging but it’s just, is that really the best move? It hurts me to see him reaching out to me and I have to shut it down a bit. With the texting I reply slowly and try to distract myself and do research on how to overcome my anxiety. He still tells me good morning, and today I did not reply to a text he sent me telling me that he was sorry for replying to me so late, I didn’t mind, I posted on facebook that i was feeling ill, two minutes later He commented twice asking why and if i was okay? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! It’s like a push and pull. I do not understand him and what he truly wants. He doesn’t even know what he wants! Is this just because of my foot? Does he feel obligated to make sure that I am okay? I know he said that sometimes he felt obligated to be with me. When the small conversation ended on the facebook post i posted, 10 minutes later he texted me asking if I was there? I became alarmed because he never really double texts me. I go back to school soon, possibly tomorrow. Also it has been a total of 2 days since the serious conversation so i feel kinda shocked about his weird responses. I am going to try to cut down contact as much as I can, but I just simply do not know what to do. He told me I do not need to worry about him finding another. I do not want to assume that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I simply am lost and starting to become very unsure about the situation myself.
    Sorry for this being long.

  6. Hi Mark!

    My boyfriend broke up with me 1 week ago because he felt that I couldn’t tell him about things.
    I made a huge misstake earlier in my life. He found out about it from someone else, not me and I lied to him about it. That’s why he broke up the first time but we got back together after a week.
    Like 6-7 weeks ago he found out something else from another person insted of me. Something I should have told him. So we started arguing and he wanted to take a break.

    I made the stupid misstake by contacting him a lot and asking him over and over what he wanted to do. After 3 weeks I begged and plaid and he broke up.

    Is there any chance for us again and what should I do now? How can I make him see the changes I’ve done?

    • It is very hard to tell whether you still have a chance because they are so many factors that can influence the odds, such as the length of the relationship, how much you have been through together etc.

      You just have to try your best and see how it goes. The main issue right now is probably trust. You need to get him to trust you again before he will even consider getting back together. This is definitely going to take time. So do be prepared.

      So what changes have you made? Make sure you have really changed. Don’t just say that you have changed just for the sake of getting him back. Otherwise, if he does come back and see that nothing has changed, it is going to be even harder for him to trust you. The more this happen, the harder it is to get him back. In fact, he is probably not going to believe you especially when it is only just one week after the break up. So are you sure you have really changed?

      Also, now is probably not a good time for you to contact him. As you mentioned, he just broke up with you last week after you begged and pleaded with him for 3 weeks. So he is likely to be highly resistant towards you right now. Give it some time for the tension to settle down first before you contact him again.

  7. Hello!

    I am so pleased to have stumbled onto this site! Your logic is so appealing and I love that there are no mind games here.
    My husband of 20 years left 2 months ago. He started “dating” someone 3 weeks later. I’ve accepted this however I feel in my very soul that we will be back together – 20 years is too long to simply give up. I think he’s in a confused state right now and I’m trying to be empathetic and patient. At first there was lots of arguing and neediness (on my part). Then I tried “no contact” which I realize now was stupid. We need to keep the communication flowing if we are to reconnect. Finally I did reconnect with him after 1 month of awfulness. Each week we seem to be making more progress. While he is still seeing her, he calls me frequently throughout the day just to say hi, or talk about this or that. We email all day long just the same as we used to before all this happened. we text and we also have phone sx about once a week. Today we flirted ALL day long and it was great. I feel we’ve reached a re-connection stage, and am looking forward to the communication and re-commitment stage. I waver between acceptance and resistance daily – I’m not going to lie!
    Based on the more frequent communications, and the flirting, and some slips of “i love you ” here and there… sadly – mixed with the plain fact that he’s still not back and is still with her…. what kind of advice could you suggest? In your experience, do you see any patterns that could indicate a positive outcome for us? We have an amazing family, home life, and this is very difficult for all of us. We want our lives back. I’m making the internal changes that I need to make to make us stronger and he’s seeing and commenting on how much he likes the “new me”. He says he’s waiting for the other “shoe to drop” meaning he’s waiting for the old emotionally reactive woman to appear. I feel completely in control of my emotions and after all of this- the pain, the ache and the fact that I thought i literally was going to die -i have pulled through and am so proud of myself. I am an incredibly strong and amazing woman and i have no intention to go back to that emotionally immature person.
    I hope you are able to offer any advice :)
    Thanks!
    Julia

    • Hey Julia, you are actually doing pretty good. So you should definitely be proud of yourself. The key here is you need to be patient.

      There are 5 distinct phases of saving a relationship. You may want to watch these 5 videos that explain each phase.

      You seem to be in phase 2 right now. Remember this. It takes time to progress through each phase. As for how long it is going to take you to progress through each phase, there is no fixed timing.

      So maybe it will take you 1 month to move from phase 2 to phase 3. Maybe 2 months to move from phase 3 to phase 4. Maybe 2 weeks to move from phase 4 to phase 5. I think you get the idea.

      That is why patience is so important. If you are impatient and push a little bit too fast too soon, it is possible to for you to drop back to phase 1 again. So make sure you are aware of that. Be sure to watch the 5 videos so that you know what you can do at each phase and what you can’t do.

      Because you are still in phase 2, it is probably still a bit too early for you to talk about reconnection or getting back together. So I do suggest you hold back for a while. Keep on making him feel good so that he wants to spend more and more time with you.

      Right now, as you mentioned, he said “he is waiting for the other shoe to drop”. You are still in phase 2: Test Drive. So he may be testing you from time to time, whether consciously or unconsciously. That is why you must be at the top of your game emotionally. Otherwise, if you react strongly to certain things he does, it will just confirm to him that he is right. You want to prove him wrong.

      If you managed to pass the series of test, you are going to proceed into phase 3. If you watched the videos already, you will know phase 3 is a very frustrating phase. He will be hot and cold and send you mixed signals. So make sure you don’t react negatively. Stay calm and cool. That is where acceptance comes in.

      I recommend that you start meditating for at least 5 to 20 minutes everyday to build your emotional strength. You may want to read this article and this article so that you understand why I am asking you to meditate.

      Also, take note. He is dating another woman now. It is great to see that you didn’t react negatively. So you did the right thing. If you have reacted, you would have pushed him away.

      So right now, you need to continue staying calm and collected even though he is dating another woman. Don’t let jealousy gets the better of you.

      I don’t want to make this seem like a game but this is what can actually happen. Most probably, the other woman knows that he is still keeping in touch with you. So it is very likely that she will start getting jealous and maybe she will start reacting on your husband. If she does that, it will be to your advantage.

      She will end up pushing your husband back to you and your husband will realize that you are indeed the better woman. Again, I don’t want to make it seem like a game here but that is the reality of what can happen. Basically, the more calm and cool woman will win the game.

      Right now, you just need to be patient. Don’t be in a hurry to get your husband back. That is not your goal now. Your goal now is to keep yourself at phase 2 and slowly progress to phase 3. One step at a time.

      As you mentioned, he is in a confused state. So it is your job to “unconfused” him if you want to get him back. Basically, that means keeping on interacting with him in a way that makes him feel good so much so that he wants to spend more and more time with you. Eventually, he will no longer be confused. He will be very clear that you are the woman he wants to spend his life with.

      So hopefully this has given you a rough idea of what you need to do. If you want more help and hand holding, you can consider checking out the recommended resource here. They go into much more details than what I cover in this article.

      • Thank you SO much Mark for taking the time to write such an in depth response! It means so much to get some advice from someone specializing in these things. I will check out the articles you linked for me :)
        thanks again! :)
        Julia

        • Hi Mark,
          We’ve been talking alot this past week – he emails first thing, calls me all the time, is saying things like ” i know what i’ve lost” and today he said that “you always were there for me – i feel like crying” and then he said “why the fk didnt we fix our problems before it was too late”
          well i – i replied casually at first. then i went into more detail . i said that “its never too late” and iwent on to day that we can fix our problems and that we will always find our way back to each other. there was no blame or “i’ve changed!” comments – it was just positive and sweet … he responded really harshly saying that “it is too late, whether thats when i move in with (her) or when you meet someone… you just havent accepted that yet. i cant do this today it’s killing me. i’m so sorry”
          i’m so disheartened at the moment. is this riding the dragon?? i realize i shouldnt have put that pressure on him like i did – but i cant change that now. I simply responded by saying “i’m sorry i upset you, i hope you have a nice weekend”
          What should i do now? One day he’s talking and calling and flirting non stop, asking where i am if i dont respond right away, and the other he;s saying its too late. I assume i need to back off – give him more space… what else? thanks so much. i’m trying to be positive …

        • so about an hour after he told me all that stuff about “its too late” he calls me… just starts chatting about life, the kids, work, his car… saying he can pick up things at costco for me – and to have a nice night and he’ll call me tomorrow….. what in the world is happening! He’s all over the board here.

        • Riding the dragon
          last night he says he misses me
          today he says I need to move on.

          how do I respond to him saying I have to move on??? I know how to respond when he says he misses me – but I have NO idea what to say when he says I should move on – I don’t want him to panic… please…. this is so hard

        • Be curious. Ask him why he says you need to move on in a calm and curious tone. This helps you figure out what he is really thinking.

          And whatever he says, try to empathize with him. Be calm and don’t over react or be defensive.

          Your ex is just testing you. If you want to pass his test, this video will show you how.

  8. Thank you Mark :) I understand exactly why he wants me to move on.
    1. it will vindicate his choices right now
    2. he went on and on about how much it hurts him that I’m alone – and wants to protect me – that he’ll always love me and want to protect me. He wants me to meet someone so that he will feel better/ safer.

    I’m realizing that this is ALL about him. He wants me to meet someone so HE will feel better. It has nothing to do with me.

    But that’s ok. I continue to be empathetic, and loving and supportive. I know he is in turmoil right now and I actually do feel for him. What is funny about all of this – is that he still contacts me from 6am to 1130 at night – whispering to me while in her house. There was even phn sx last night… while in HER house. Some days I just can’t help but laugh.

    I know he’ll be back. And I will ask for apologies then. I don’t need them right now. For now I will continue to be patient.

    In his head he’s all messed up. The crying and panicking is fear. He struggles every day with “am I making the right choice” and “if I want to go back will it be too late”. But the only way he’s going to realize it is by experiencing what he thinks he’s missing and trying and seeing if it works for him- or if our relationship in fact was what he wanted.

    Thank you for taking the time to talk to me :)

    I’m sure I’ll be back with more questions sooner rather than later !

  9. “With awareness, you will learn to respond instead of react.” Wow, can I quote you on that? What’s your Twitter name?

  10. Hello Mark,

    The article is amazing. I need some tips from you. My bf and I work in the same office. He broke up with me a month ago, after 10 days of cold treatment due to a break up I made on him. He said i am being too needy and he is overwhelmed by lot of problems.

    And I am the easy problem to put away. I was going through difficult problems and I needed his support. Now he turned his back and its killing me… I love him. I used the no contact rule for 15 days than asked him to talk as mature people. We sit and talked, he seemed angry, he said that I said ugly things upon the break up and he decided to put all of that behind his back and move on. I tried to defend myself. He said don’t compromise, I need my space, so i said that i don’t want to lose his friendship and it ended that way. Please Mark, I need your help.

    Note: We have been friends for 6 months then we dated for 5 and work in same office.

    • It is probably the way you bring yourself across to him. You are trying to get back together with him way before you are emotionally ready. That is why you were still in reaction mode. For example, you tried to defend yourself (reacting to situation instead of responding).

      You should probably say something like “I really shouldn’t have said that. If you have said that to me, I would have been equally angry too…..” (basically, you want to respond instead of react)

      I am not sure whether you have watched these videos about the 5 stages of getting back together. You are definitely in stage 1 right now. Your ex is still extremely resistant towards you. So you shouldn’t be talking about the relationship in stage 1, as mentioned in the video. But that was what you were trying to do after you did 15 days of no contact. That is why it didn’t end too well.

      If you want to get your ex back, you need to work on emotions first. Get it under control before you even attempt to get him back. You need to be in responding mode instead of reaction mode, and in order to do that, you need to have a certain level of emotional strength.

      I suggest that at the minimum, you work on the skills I mentioned in this article or you can practise the advance relational skills taught here for better result and more guidance.

      The idea here is to become the best version of yourself before you try to get him back again. If after becoming the best version of yourself and you still can’t get him back, then it is probably time to move on.

      Since you are working with him in the same place, you cannot do no contact. So when you see him, just greet him and say a simple “hi”. No need to get into deeper conversation before you are emotionally ready. Just be professional. Don’t pretend that he doesn’t exist.

  11. Hello Mark,
    My boyfriend broke up with me just over a month ago. He said he just didn’t know how he felt about us anymore. He cried when we broke up but didn’t bother to fight for the relationship. I was devastated but looking back I know I was becoming needy and insecure. I immediately went into active no contact and by week 3 I messaged him. The interactions were positive and fun but he always seems to just cut the conversation dead by not responding to me anymore. I don’t continue sending any messages once he does that because it will just make me look needy. Also I’m the one who always initiates contact, i know I’ve got to put the effort in to get results, it’s just frustrating sometimes. Am I in stage 2? Is this why he’s being resistant yet positive when we talk? I’m just struggling to get him to open up more. Do I still have a chance? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Well, that’s where acceptance comes in. As you mentioned, the interactions were positive and fun. So that’s not too bad. Be ok with the fact that he doesn’t want to engaged in long drawn out conversation for now. Time may also be a factor. Maybe 3 weeks is too short for him and he needs more time to think about the relationship.

      I think you are still in stage 1. As long as he is not open to meeting you face to face yet, I will consider that as stage 1. You need to be patient.

  12. This is a really great article. I have a new perspective after reading this. It has made me relaxed and at ease as well.

    Thank you so much for all that you’ve done.

  13. I am very thankful, deeply grateful to you for sharing this article. I don’t have enough words to express my gratitude. You have given me so much of insight into this. And I really want all my relationships to be great and meaningful. Even though I am going through a heart break, and it seems so difficult to cope with the situation, I’m trying to practice awareness, acceptance and will be working on refining my communication skills. Thank you so much Mark. God bless you a lot.

  14. Hi Mark,
    Many thanks for your article and advice! I just broke up with my boyfriend (he decided to break it off). This was about 10 days back. Basically it came down to ‘no more passion’ in the relationship… I still love him and want us to get back together and work on it, we had a long distance relationship but saw each other often and were quite serious (marriage talk, meeting the families, etc.) I have been on NC since the break up and I wonder when I should contact him… of course I am also taking some time-out to heal myself but I would like to talk to him at some point and see if we can reconcile… I have not heard from him yet. What do you recommend?
    Thanks!

    • When you have properly healed and when you are absolutely sure you are no longer in reaction mode, then you will be ready to contact him. Right now, I will encourage you to work on the skills mentioned in this article. Don’t skip them and think they are not important.

      When you have a good mastery of these skills, he will be able to notice the positive changes in you and you are more likely to connect with him on a deeper emotional level and get that passion flowing again. But these are real skills and they are going to take time to learn. So you need to have the patience and discipline to work on them.

  15. Dear Mark,

    My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago. The reason he gave for breaking up with me was that he felt like he wasn’t in love anymore. We were in a long distance relationship for over a year and due to school and finance we couldn’t see each other for two months. I was supposed to meet him this month, for his graduation but he said that if I should come maybe thinks will get worse. The whole thing about it is that he’s now moving to where I am for his masters. So we wouldn’t be in a long distance relationship anymore. He said that he doesn’t have feelings for anybody, but that the love he had for me is somehow gone. He will be here in two months. I really need your help. He said that he wants us to remain very close friends, because he doesn’t want to lose me and that I’m the only person that has stuck by him throughout everything. I told him it was to hard for me to stay close friends and that he shouldn’t contact me, cause he would still contact me every single day. This is now day 4 that we haven’t spoken. Please I need your advice. I love him and I believe that there is a chance for us.

    • The first thing you need to do is to work on awareness and acceptance as mentioned in this article. Acceptance is especially important here. Please take note that acceptance does not mean resignation or giving up. It simply means you can truly accept the fact he doesn’t want to get back together with you for the time being. When you can truly accept that, you will not feel too emotional about it.

      As long as you can’t accept that, it will be extremely difficult for you to get him back. This is because you will have the tendency to force things to happen and push him further away instead. So take this time to work on these 2 skills, which will also help you to heal properly. Once you have healed properly, you will be in a better position to get him back.

      Right now, it is hard for you to stay friends with him because you don’t have the emotional strength to do so. However, if you want to get him back eventually, you have to accept the friendship and work from there. For now, don’t worry too much. Focus on healing yourself and practising those skills mentioned in this article first.

      You can also sign up for my newsletter where I share important information such as the various stages of getting your ex back. This information is important because at every stage, there are things you should do and things you shouldn’t do. You need to understand this dynamics so that you will not make unnecessary mistakes.

  16. Hi Mark,

    I enjoyed reading your article. It was lengthy, but contained some vital information and more substantive than the others I’ve come across. Tomorrow will make 3 weeks since, I broke up with my boyfriend after being in an intense 6 month relationship. The reason I decided to end the relationship was because he was always making me seem like 2nd priority to his best friend. What really did it for me was when I’d call and he was on the phone with the best friend, he’d either forward my call to voicemail or just not answer it. I was open and honest about how this behavior and others like it made me feel less than his #1 priority on numerous occasions. For the example provided, he would exclaim that he always calls me back in a reasonable amount of time and that I’m just over-reacting and making something small, large. I never restricted him from spending time with his friends or anything. I value my friendships very much, but I have a balance. The person I’m in a committed relationship becomes my priority and my friends know that it doesn’t lessen who they are as the friendship is built on a solid foundation. I am not blameless, as your article states I tend to be more reactive than responsive. Besides this, we got along pretty well with few disagreements.

    After reading through numerous sites regarding the no contact rule, I decided to implement it and only 1 week into it, I broke it (after reading your article). I allowed the fear of losing him and the guilt of not replying to his text get the best of me. Although I initiated the break up because I was tired of expressing to him how his actions made me feel, (to which he made no adjustments as he saw his behavior as totally acceptable) I still tried to talk to him about reconciling and he said in the long run it was probably best that we just remain friends and that you never know what the future holds. He added that he felt that I was a bit of a nagger and was too emotional over little things.

    I love him, but not sure if I can be a friend to him. In the past, I could only be friendly/cordial with an ex. I have enough friends and don’t care to see him with anyone else or hear about if he’s dating someone.

    Any advice that you can provide will be helpful.

    • I think the main cause of your breakup is communication.

      First, it is good to be open and honest about what you want. But it was probably the way you put it across. Mainly, the use of the word “Always”.

      When you use the word “Always”, it becomes sort of an accusation. So instead of getting your request met, he is going to get defensive. That is why you need to learn to express your request more clearly so that you are more likely to get what you want.

      In other words, you need to be able to express your emotions very clearly. You need to make it sound like a request instead of an attack.

      For example, you said feel “less than his #1 priority”. You have to understand that “less than his #1 priority” is not a feeling. It is a thought. What are the actual emotions behind the “less than #1 priority”?

      Are you feeling afraid, disappointed, angry or a mixture of these emotions? If you don’t exactly know how you feel, then to a certain extent, it means you lack awareness. Because of the lack of awareness, you can’t express yourself clearly, which in turn affect your communication.

      If you want to learn more about these communication techniques, you can check out this book called Nonviolent Communication.

      I am pretty sure after reading this book, you will realize how much you didn’t know about communication.

      If you want to save your relationship, then you should definitely focus on the root cause of the breakup. So you can start working on your awareness and communication skills.

      As for the specific detail on how to get your ex back, it is too much to explain within a few sentences. But what I can tell you is that talking about reconciliation is not the right thing to do. Therefore, you need to stop doing that.

      If you want to find out why, you can sign up for my newsletter. Once you understand the 5 stages, which you will receive on Day 11 of my newsletter, you will start to understand why talking about getting back together is never a good idea in the beginning. You will also learn what are the right things to do in the early stages of getting your ex back.

  17. Hi Mark,

    I’ve read sooo many articles and websites, but this article really hit home like no other, I cried in the middle of reading it. It’s perfect and I really needed it. I am realizing I am so much stubborn than I thought I was and I am going to work on acceptance,awareness (I struggle a lot with), and communication. Thank you so much! I will update you in awhile on my progress with implementing this in my therapy sessions.

  18. Hi Mark.

    I have really enjoyed your articles, and they seem a lot better than playing mind games like other articles suggest. Do your opinions also apply to ex girlfriends?

  19. Hi Mark,

    Out of all that I have read so far, yours makes the most sense.

    I was in a relationship for 6 years and during the passed year I have become so insecure and angry and would fight with my ex for days off and on, we had a fight 3 weeks ago and I broke up with him hoping that he will change some of the things that upset me, instead he accepted the break up . He says that he loves me and it is hurting so much to be without me but his heart tells him that he is making a mistake and his head tells him that I will keep fighting and making him unhappy so he will listen to his head and in a year we should be over each other. I regret all the mind games that I had played because they all backfired. I begged him to give our relationship another chance but he keeps telling me that he needs time to look through the bad because he loves me but he cant list any reasons why he loves me. My life evolved around him and he now says that he wants us to be friends and maybe in time we can try again or maybe he will be happy with someone else. I don’t know what more to do. Many people try speaking to him but he just insists that we will be unhappy. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him forever. Please help me.

    • First, try not to get other people involved. Because when it comes to getting your ex back, other people’s involvement seldom make it better. In fact, it may make the situation worse. Getting back together should be his idea. Not by pressure from other people.

      Also, getting your ex back takes time. Take a look at this and you will understand. Right now, you are probably still somewhere at the wall of reactance. So I suggest that you stop contacting him for the time being. Use this period of time to work on the skills mentioned in this article before you reach out to him again.

      In fact, he has already told you what you need to do. He told you he can’t list any reasons why he loves you. So you need to give him a good reason.

      I mentioned in this article:

      Your Ex + You + Time = Relationship Dynamics

      In order for you to get him back, the Relationship Dynamics need to change. So you need to change the left hand side of the equation.

      You can’t change your ex. So you only have “You” and “Time” to work on.

      You need to spend “Time” on transforming “You”. In other words, you need to focus on internal transformation in order to have a chance of getting him back. The answer is already on this article.

  20. Wow thank you Mark!!! Unfortunately i am Reading this very late but it would have helped me then its bin 11 month since our break up I didn’t initiate any contact
    And he found girl four to five days after our break up. We dated 2yrs on the dot.it was very serious I was introduced to the family members and attended all family occasions
    Became close to his mother and father

    My question is that do you have to ignore the family as well they attempted to get in touch with me but I didn’t reply koz I needed to move on with my life

    Plus we had experienced another break up two month before the main break up
    We went silent for two weeks and he used his mother to reach me out by inviting me for lunch outting with his family which I found out from the mother later
    So that is also part of my worry to why I had to ignore
    Any advice

    • Well, if his family has treated you well, then I think it is not very nice to just ignore them.

      Maybe you want to start off with thanking them for taking good care of you all these while and that you really appreciate that.

      Then tell them that you really need some time for yourself because of all the things that have happened etc.

      So just use your own words. The key here is to be polite and show them your appreciation and yet also stating clearly what you need now. This is a more mature way of handling the situation.

  21. Hi Mark,

    Most of your articles are amazing. I’m really thankful you shared this to us. I and my boyfriend were almost 4 years together but he broke up with me last year a month before our 4th anniversary. I agreed for us to stay friends and we would respect each other’s boundaries. A week have passed after the break up and there I realized that I don’t want to be just friends with him. I want him back. I saw one of your articles that we eventually go “autopilot” if things aren’t going well as we expect it would be. I begged for him to stay. I was chasing him til I heard rumors of him saying that he has a new girlfriend. Well I makes my situation worse. I demanded him to call me because I wanted to hear it from him. He said yes so I decided to cut off our communication without him knowing. (After our break up, we still text each other like before which feels so punitive to my side since I still have strong emotional feelings for him.) A month has passed after I cut off our communication. My friend told me that my ex boyfriend is still texting my old number. I didn’t mind since he has a girlfriend now so why bother me? I thought I was healing in that past month yet I was wrong. December, he chatted me on facebook asking if he could call me for he’s going to tell me the truth. He said it was all a lie that he has a new girlfriend only for me to stop chasing him. Yes I stopped chasing him yet he’s the one who talked to me in the first place again. January, I attended his cousin’s debut because I’m really close with his family. He was there. I was so nervous when I saw him. He wanted to talk to me. I was ignoring him yet he does everything to get my attention. We ended up talking. Like the same as before. We enjoy each other’s company on that night. It’s like we’re friends who haven’t seen each other for a long time and has a lot of catching up to do. He asked me for my number. I didn’t gave it to him but the time I went home, I texted him. So after that we started to talk more often. One day I decided to be frank with him asking all the questions that I haven’t asked before. So he said he was not supposed to leave me but he was sick of all the things that I do to him (like asking for this and that, needy is the word). He also wants to finish college first for our future. He also said he wanted to be friends with me because he still have this love. (What does this mean?) And he’s looking at me like chances are endless. I don’t actually get what he wanted to convey when he said this. Well it’s like he wants me to grow, to improve, to be mature, to change (which I think what I really need is internal transformation) and by that, he’ll come back to me. I admit that I was a needy, selfish, childish girlfriend before. I was not that understanding. He felt that I wasn’t giving the love that he wanted to feel. I felt bad of myself when I realized it and my gut told me to change for better. My friends and family doesn’t know that I and my ex are communicating because they’ll get angry for the reason that he left me. Now I accepted our break up and we are friends as of the moment.

    Because of your articles, I became so open minded now. I know what to do and not what to do in order to get him back. Staying positive all the time and I’m starting to practice my awareness, acceptance and communication. I realized that I need to develop these not only to get my ex back but also for other people as well. Do you think we still have a chance to get back together? To start anew for a better and healthy relationship?

    • Yes, the chance is definitely there.

      He also said he wanted to be friends with me because he still have this love. (What does this mean?)

      It means he still enjoy your company. However, he still need more time to evaluate the relationship. So if you start working on yourself and he can really see the changes in you, it can influence his decision to your favor. Of course, developing these skills is going to take time. So you shouldn’t rush. It is better to take it slowly.

  22. For days I look for articles about “How to get your boyfriend back” read a lot of it, they say the same thing. I even bought a book that doesn’t really go with my values. Like mind games. He’s not that type. I wasted my money.
    Anyway, I came across this and this has been the most helpful of ALL the articles I read.

    My ex and I broke up 6 days ago. It was a roller coaster ride for 6 months. He’s diagnosed with clinical depression since he was a kid. There are a lot of good moments of us together. We fell in love. I accepted he has depression that things can not be consistent. But I was wrong. I thought I fully understand what the relationship dynamic will be.

    He has episodes where he can be hot and cold. These got me confused. Was it me? What did I do? I grew more and more needy because I wasn’t being satisfied because of mood fluctuations. I’m outdoorsy, he’s not. I like driving around, hiking, traveling. But he rather stay at home. Which I was fine with.

    Because I felt like I’m not being satisfied, I started growing needy, questioning him every time if he really loves me, a lot of constant re-assuring. I always complain of things about him. I made him feel inadequate. We broke up, three times.

    First was, because he stopped taking medicine because he thought he was happy that he met me. Then I took him back. Second time, I got too much to handle, acted on “autopilot” and it fee him up. Took 4 days, I sent him an email and he said it touched him. He was torn. He said he doesn’t see either to be peaceful. He wants for us to work. So we tried again.

    But less than a week, he broke up with me again. I blew up. Again, my autopilot took over. I begged but he’s just done. He said he still loves me but the pain is too much to bear. With his mental illness he said he wants to focus on himself and take care of himself. I couldn’t accept it. I said I will change and begged.

    Then I showed up to his place to talk. He was calm. He said he missed me and still loves me but he said breaking up is for the best and he’s not gonna give me any false hope. For 5 days we texted again, but he’s really distant. I wish I came across this article on those days. I think that was him giving me a chance. But because I am confused and hurt about his coldness, I asked him straight up what is this? I asked him if he still sees himself with me soon, he said no. He is ready to move on.

    We broke up in person the same day. He said the absolute reason he’s moving on is he doesn’t want any more stress. I asked if he’s happy, he said he’s numb. I cried but he made up his mind. He said he doesn’t believe I’m capable of changing at this moment. Its been 6 days. I sent him emails few days ago saying I love and miss him. But he didn’t respond.

    Do you think we still have a chance?

    I really want him back. I love him. I love his soul. He’s damaged but he’s a truly great person and I became selfish.

    Help ?

    • And also, he blocked me everywhere. I can’t contact him via phone, snapchat or instagram. He doesn’t have facebook. He really cut of all possible communication.

      Weeks, days before the break up. He said he will always love me and he has nobody else. Even if we break up it will take him a while to date again. Before me, he was single for two years. His ex cheated on him. I don’t know if that’s a valuable information. But he is very faithful and didn’t give me any reason to doubt him.

      Its just me being so insecure about myself that got us to this. He’s very secure, smart, strong minded even he has mental illness. I realize all of these too late. I wish I’ll have a chance to get him back. I believe he still loves me, but he’s just really guarded as I have hurt him and didn’t live up to the many promises I made to “change”

      I appreciate your response, Mark.
      I think you’re the best out there.

      • There are people who manage to get back together in a healthy way from all kinds of seemingly impossible situations. If these people can get back together, I think you have a chance too.

        Since you have read the article, you will noticed that I encourage people to get back together sloooooowwwwly. As I mentioned, it takes time to change the relationship dynamics. It takes time to really transform yourself internally. It takes time for you to develop awareness so that you can go from reaction mode to respond mode.

        If you want to get back together with your ex in a healthy way, you really have to do it slowly.

        As you mentioned, you have got back together with him a few times and each time, it doesn’t last. That’s because the relationship dynamics didn’t change. The same problems that cause the breakup were still there.

        So I will suggest that this time round, don’t be in a hurry to get back together with him. I know you are very anxious to get in touch with him again and the fact that he has blocked you make you feel worse.

        I hope I can ease your anxiety a little bit by giving you a different perspective.

        First, just because he blocks you now doesn’t mean he is going to block you forever. In fact, I have seen a case where a lady has been ignored by her ex for more than 6 months. Although technically, he didn’t block her, so it is a little bit different from your situation.

        But put it this way. Being ignored for 6 months doesn’t look very optimistic. Most people would have given up by then. Fortunately, because she was able to reach out to her ex the right way, with complete acceptance, eventually, her ex started responding back. (Anyway, you still have his email address right?)

        Often, it takes time for a person’s resistance to go down. For some people, it can take weeks. For others, it can take a few months. Obviously, I won’t know how long your ex will resist you. But to put things into perspective, it has only been a few days since he ignored you. So don’t panic. It is not an abnormal situation.

        Second, have you ever considered why he cut off all communication with you? Do you think it is because of the way you are bringing yourself in front of him? Maybe it just doesn’t feel good for him to interact with you and maybe he is even feeling guilty for breaking up with you and he doesn’t like to be reminded of the guilt, that is why he finds it easier to cut off contact with you.

        Let say you have a magic wand and you can magically contact him. But because you are still in reaction mode, do you think any kind of contact can help bring both of you closer together? Probably not.

        So don’t see this cutting off contact as a bad thing. It might actually be a blessing in disguise. Since you can’t contact him for now anyway, why not take this period of time to really work on yourself? Start healing yourself and develop some new relationship skills.

        Hopefully, in a few weeks or few months time, he won’t be so resistant towards you anymore and you are able to contact him. Or maybe he will even be the one reaching out to you. Either way, you want to make sure that when you reach out to him again the next time, he can see an improved version of you.

        So don’t worry too much about not being to contact him for now. You probably shouldn’t be doing it anyway, given your current state of emotions. Also, don’t worry about what he says about not seeing both of you together any time soon. It is just a matter of context vs content.

        As he told you, he doesn’t believe you can change at this moment. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change in a few months time. So take it slowly, at a healthy pace if you want to save the relationship.

  23. Thank you for your website. I am in the process of making myself a better person.

    My ex-boyfriend broke up with me for the 2nd time last week. We were together for over 5.5 years.

    He broke it off because he found our relationship boring and he was unhappy. I said I was willing to work on it, but he said his heart is not in it.

    I am trying to intitiate no contact with him, but it’s difficult because we share a dog and have recently bought a place together. I don’t want to give up the dog and I’m willing to share it but I have been contacting his mum with respect to picking the dog up/dropping him off.

    He has contacted me a few times in the past week asking whether I am at work so he can pick his stuff up from our house when I’m not in.

    I don’t want to talk to him at all but finding it difficult given our situation.

    Do you have any suggestions as to what I could do?

    Thanks in advance!

    • In addition, I feel like he’s been seeing other girls already. This is difficult for me, but I am accepting that we no longer have a relationship and he has the right to see other girls.

      Last time we broke up (4 years ago), he tried to get as many girls as he could.

      Is there any explanation for this?

      • The advantage of total no contact is that it can help you heal a lot faster. On the other hand, you don’t want to take it to the extreme such that it closes your door to get back together in the future.

        Since you share a house and a dog, it is going to be very hard to totally not have any contact. So the best you can do is to contact when necessary and stay on topic when doing so. Avoid talking about anything related to your relationship at this point.

        If he tried seeing many girls after breakup, it probably means he is trying to fill an emotional void in an unhealthy way. Even if he started getting “serious” with someone, it is very unlikely that the relationship will last. So this is really the last thing you need to worry about when it comes to getting your ex back.

        You can read my article about rebound relationship here to learn how to handle this type of situation.

  24. Hi mark, I’m going through a horrible time and I’ve been rereading this article because it helps me calm down a bit, which I want to greatly thank you for. I’ve been talking to this guy for 2 years straight, no breaks or anything, he was crazy in love with me and because I was not ready for a relationship in those 2 years he waited for me every single day. In all honesty though we were a couple without a title because we did everything a bf/gf couple would do. He became one of my best friends as well as my love. So throughout the 2 years it was well but I realized that I would make a lot of mistakes such as getting angry over something not worth getting angry about , letting my anger out on him and threatening to leave etc. I don’t know why I did this, especially towards someone who cares and loves me so much. So 2 weeks ago I got into an argument with my mother, that anger I had flowed out on to him when all he was trying to do was be nice and help me and then I made the biggest mistake I regret every day.. I told him that I need to “find myself” and basically “fake left” because I wanted him to tell me to stay. But this time wasn’t like the others, he broke down and wouldn’t take me back when I told him I’m sorry and didn’t mean it. He told me “Stick with your decisions”. In your article you explained autopilot mode and that’s what I fell into. I asked if I could see him the next day after he got off from work and he said “yes but you know where I stand” , so before we met I thought of everything I could say. When I saw him he broke down and kept saying “You left me, you left me” and I tried to explain that I didn’t and just made the stupid mistake of fake leaving. I beg and pleaded for him to give me another chance but he told me he gave me a lot of chances already. After all the crying and begging and pleading and him constantly saying no we stopped talking for a whole week(which is a lot since we talked every single day). Throughout that week I seeked help from friends and I grasped a better understanding that the way I was in the relationship was unacceptable and the specific aspects that I need to change. So I texted him about the things I did wrong , my understanding on why they were wrong, how I know that it hurt him and what I will do to change it. I awaited for his reply and came out disappointed. He told me that the relationship was unhealthy and that he can’t be with me (which hurt because he really wanted me for 2 years) and that maybe in the future when we are both over each other we’ll be friends who will talk time from time. Again autopilot mode went off and I told him that I understand but can we be friends and he told me it’s too soon. Panicking I drove over to his house and told him to please tell me in my face, after knocking for a while he finally opened and I hugged him and cried. He then told me that he can’t be with me, maybe in the future we will be friends who only talk a little. I asked him when did he stop wanting me and he said the day I left. But I didn’t leave. So after staying a while he kept telling me that it’s time to go because his parents were going over and that he feels like he’s betraying them because they told him its best that him and I are apart. Then he thanked me for everything and I thanked him for everything and constantly told him I love him. Then we hugged and I had to leave. I’m still the last person who texted, I told him that I will work on myself to be his great best friend in the future. The thing is I don’t want to be just friends, I want to reverse my wrongs, fix myself to be better and have him once more to prove that I love him and prove that I can keep him and give him the love, peace and happiness he deserves. Now it’s officially been 2 weeks. And I’ve broken down a lot. But I’ve been going to work more trying to keep myself occupied so I won’t hurt as much but it still hurts. I’ve also been accepting the fact that he’s not here because of my actions and I have been working on my internal problems like anger and how I treat others like my sister and mother. He is my best friend and I love him so much and want to get him back. I would even love to have him back as a friend and build upwards again. Can you please tell me What can I do?

    • In addition I wanted to ask how long do I wait? Some say 1,2,3 months but I’m not sure. His birthday is in November(3months) and I was thinking of doing this. I was going to write letters for major things that happen like the ending of summer, college move in day, fall etc. in the letters I wanted to write what I enjoyed, like how he always drank too much water, or when we went to the baby shower etc and also my hopes like “I hope you’re planning to do the thing you said you wanted to” etc, so not so much of begging him to give me another chance but to remind him that I am still here working to better myself and am still thinking of him. I was going to gather all these letters then put them in his birthday gift that I’m going to get him in November and then leave it at his door. Is this fine?

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