What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Do you have what it takes to get your ex boyfriend back? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first time you heard of the concepts I am going to reveal to you today.

After all, most breakup websites out there are telling you to ignore your ex boyfriend during no contact, pretend to be happy, go to the gym, post photo of you with another guy to make him jealous, send him a magic letter and so on…

 

Is There Any Progress With Your Ex Boyfriend?

I believe you have probably seen them before you landed on my website. Perhaps, you have even tried some of the tactics above. If you did, I have a question for you.

Where has that gotten you so far? Are you seeing any progress in your relationship?

Or maybe it backfired? Instead of drawing your ex boyfriend closer to you, those tactics push him further away.

This is not surprising. After all, those are just mind games. In fact, if you are honest with yourself, you probably feel bad using those tactics on your ex boyfriend. You feel like you have compromised your own integrity and you are not being true to yourself.

 

Warning! I Am Going To Say Things You Don’t Want To Hear

Before you read on, I have to warn you.

I am going to tell you a few things that you may not want to hear but really need to.

I am doing so because I don’t want you to take shortcut and focus on the wrong things. This will help you save a lot of time and money. More importantly, I want to stop you from using tactics that will cause serious damage to your relationship.

For example, you may have seen some ebooks that claim you can get your ex back in 14 days or less using some secret psychological tactics that work on a man so that he will be down on his knees, crawling towards you and begging you to take him back.

(I am going to dispel this “14 days or any number of days” myth later.)

You decided to buy that ebook only to realize that it doesn’t work. Even worse, it pushes your ex boyfriend further away.

So you end up wasting 14 precious days and the money you spend on that ebook. Even worse, those dirty psychological tricks turn off your ex boyfriend.

This means you have even more work to do if you want him back. Initially, you might have a chance to get him back in 3 months if you follow the proper method.

But because of taking shortcut, now you have to undo the damages. So you have to spend 6 months instead of 3 months to get your ex boyfriend back.

Hopefully, after reading this article, you will know what doesn’t work so that you won’t be tempted to take shortcut. You will have a much better chance to get your ex boyfriend back if you follow the proper method.

 

Important! Don’t Believe In Everything I Say

You are probably going to resist my message initially and that is perfectly fine.

After all, I don’t want you to believe in everything I say blindly. Instead, I want to encourage you to think critically about your relationship. Take some time to think about whether what I said make sense.

Here is an even better approach. Try some of ideas I am sharing with you today.

See whether they make you a better person.

See whether they make you feel better about yourself.

More importantly, see whether your relationship with others improve.

The things I am going to share with you today are timeless relationship principles.

They don’t just help you connect better with your ex boyfriend. If you really adopt those principles as part of your life, your relationship with others will also improve, whether they are your family, colleagues, classmates, friends or even a stranger you meet on the street.

In fact, I want to encourage you to Bookmark This Page (Ctrl + D) now. Chances are, what I am saying is too much for you to take in today.

Maybe you will still go ahead (hopefully not) and try those tactics and mind games you learn from other websites, only to realize that they don’t work.

No matter what, I hope you will come back to this page later and start appreciating what I am sharing with you today.

 

The No Contact Rule ( N.C. Rule)

Let’s start with the no contact rule since this is probably the most popular and misunderstood topic in the get your ex back community.

I am going to assume that you already know what the no contact rule is. If not, you can read my article here: Does the no contact rule work?

 

What’s Right and Wrong With The No Contact Rule?

Almost every breakup website talks about the nc rule. So if everyone is saying the same thing, then it must be the right thing to do, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, it isn’t as simple as that. The problem here is that every website has different set of rules.

So now, we have one no contact and multiple rules.

Which rule should you follow then?

 

What’s Right With NC?

First, let’s talk about what’s right.

 

i. To Heal From a Break Up

Everyone agrees that you need to heal after breaking up. I agree too. After all, it is easy to say and do the wrong things when you are flooded with negative emotions.

So if you are using nc to heal, you are doing the right thing.

 

ii. For 30 Days

Also, most websites recommend 30 days of no contact. I agree with that too. I believe that most people do need at least 30 days to recover from a break up.

However, I don’t think you need to be so rigid with the number of days. If you are one of the few people who truly feels a lot better after 21 days, what is stopping you from initiating contact with your ex?

On the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend you to contact your ex just 3 days after the break up. That may be a little bit too soon. People generally don’t heal that fast.

Even if you have recovered from the breakup, your ex may still need more time. I would recommend a minimum of at least 14 days. For most people though, 30 days is a pretty good guideline.

 

What’s Half Right With NC?

Work On Yourself

Other than healing, most websites also tell you to work on yourself.

Basically, they give you superficial advice such as upgrade your wardrobe, change your diet, go to the gym, meet friends, date other people, be happy, increase your confidence and so on…

I think they are really missing the point here. That’s why I call it “half right”.

Yes, it is not a bad idea to make these changes. But at the end of the day, those are just very superficial external changes.

Those changes may not even last, especially if you are doing so purely for the sake of getting your ex boyfriend back.

I am going to make a wild guess here. I am guessing that your ex boyfriend didn’t break up with you because you didn’t go to the gym? So how can going to the gym help you get your ex boyfriend back?

I hope that makes you think a little bit deeper about what it really takes to get your ex boyfriend back.

Superficial external changes that don’t last can only bring you so far. Yes, your ex boyfriend might get back together with you when he sees the “external changes” in you.

But after a while, he is probably going to realize that you are still the same old person after all. Let say you break up with him because you are clingy and insecure, going to the gym everyday is not going to cure your insecurities.

When crisis happens, you are going to revert to your old habits. Your ex boyfriend is going to feel cheated and leave the relationship again.

 

It Is The Internal Transformation That Is Going To Determine Whether You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to focus on real, lasting internal transformation.

These are skills you need to work on starting from today. They will not only help you with your romantic relationship. They will also come in handy when you are communicating with your boss, co-workers, friends and people in general.

This is going to be our main discussion in this article. But before that, I just want to quickly talk about the types of no contact rule you should avoid.

It is important to go through them because I don’t want to see you sabotaging your own relationship by following the wrong set of rules.

 

What’s Wrong with NC?

i. Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend Completely

One version of nc rule is to ignore your ex boyfriend when he contacts you whether by phone, text messages or emails. Don’t pick up the phone and don’t reply.

This is a very dangerous and immature approach. It doesn’t reflect well on you.

First, your ex may think that you have moved on and decided to move on too.

Second, your ex may think you are playing mind games on him and get angry. Maybe he will start ignoring you too to get back at you.

Needless to say, if you are trying to get him back, this makes your job more difficult than it needs to be.

If you still need time to heal from the break up and is not ready to talk to your ex, there is a much better and more mature approach.

You can say something like, “Hey, thanks for contacting me. I really appreciate it. I would love to catch up with you again sometime in the future. However, right now, I am still feeling emotional over the breakup. I promise I will get back to you once I feel better.”

By doing so, you are keeping the door open. You are being honest and that kind of reply doesn’t make you look desperate or needy.

Also, it makes it easier when you are ready to contact him. You can simply carry on the conversation from there.

 

ii. Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I have already written an article about why it is not a good idea to use no contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you.

Here is the article: How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

So I am going to keep it brief here.

Basically, you have totally no control over whether your ex boyfriend is going to miss you. If you are using no contact for that purpose, you are probably going to find yourself wasting a lot of time.

You will keep on wondering whether he misses you. Maybe you will be spending hours on Facebook obsessing about his status update. Maybe he added a girl as a friend. You will start to question whether she is his new love interest.

Your anxiety level will increase. How is that going to help you get your ex boyfriend back? You will do much better if you actually focus inward.

Instead of spending hours on Facebook, why not spend 10 to 20 minutes doing the inner work exercises I am going to share with you later in this article?

I am sure you can see which approach is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Why Internal Transformation Is Important

Alright, now it’s time for us to talk about the internal transformation you need in order to get your ex boyfriend back.

You may be wondering why internal transformation is important.

Well, let me give you an analogy here.

Imagine that your head is itchy but you scratch your butt instead. Have you managed to relieve the itch?

Of course not! But you refuse to give up. So you keep on scratching your butt until it starts to bleed. Now, your head is still itchy and situation has become worse. Now, you can’t even sit.

Yes, I know this is a very crude analogy. But let’s be honest here. How many people are using crude ways to try and get their ex back?

For example, maybe your were too clingy. Interacting with you doesn’t feel good anymore. It is emotionally draining for your ex boyfriend. Therefore, he decided to break up with you.

So you go to the internet to find out how to get your boyfriend back. Instead of working on your clinginess, you found a website that gives you a magic letter that you can send to your ex.

So you send the letter. Not only does the letter not work, it makes the situation worse. Your boyfriend withdraws further. And of course, fundamentally, you are still the same old clingy person.

Now, your head is still itchy. To make things worse, your butt is bleeding and you won’t be able to sit for some time. Obviously, the right thing to do in the first place is to simply scratch the head.

 

Why Your Ex Broke Up With You

Do you know why your ex broke up with you? Yes, I know there are probably 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, I know every situation is unique.

But when you really examine the root reason for breaking up, it is simply because your ex doesn’t feel a strong emotional connection with you anymore.

It doesn’t matter whether the breakup is due to clinginess, long distance relationship, cheating or any other reasons. Because your ex doesn’t have a strong enough emotional connection with you, he doesn’t have the motivation to continue the relationship with you.

That is why you should focus on scratching your head. You should focus on real, lasting internal transformation so that you can bring a better you when you are interacting with your ex. The new you will be able to form a strong emotional connection with him.

answers

The Internal Transformation You Should Focus On During No Contact

Awareness

The first thing you should focus on is to develop awareness.

Here are 3 questions that are probably in your mind.

1. What is awareness?

2. What has awareness got to do with getting my ex back?

3. How do I develop awareness?

Here is the answer.

 

What is awareness and how does it help me get my ex back?

The awareness I am talking about here is present moment awareness.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly replaying things that happen in the past.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly anticipating what is going to happen in the future.

It is important to develop your ability to stay in the present moment so that you can be more aware of what is happening both inside (eg. clingy, bad temper, big ego etc.) and outside (eg. your ex’s current emotional state) of yourself.

If this is the first time you heard of this concept of present moment awareness, you may find it a little bit abstract.

So I am going to try my best to explain it in a more layman language. Maybe the best way is to look at examples that can happen in real life.

 

Let’s look at the first example.

Have you ever tried talking to someone who is not fully present?

Maybe while you are talking to him, he is so busy checking his phone.

Or maybe while you are talking to him, he is looking at you. Yet, you can somehow sense that he is not fully present. (Very Big Hint: You cannot fake awareness! People can sense it!)

Maybe he is thinking about something that happened in the past. Maybe he is thinking about what is going to happen in the future. You can feel that he is zoned out.

Maybe he is your ex boyfriend? How do you feel when he is not fully present? Do you feel an emotional disconnection?

Are you guilty of that yourself? Have you spent your entire life not being fully present?

 

Let’s look at the second example.

Without present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are constantly thinking about the future. You are constantly thinking about what to say next so much so that you didn’t notice he is worried.

Ouch! You just lose an opportunity for deep emotional connection.

 

With present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are fully present. You realize that he seems a little bit worried. So you ask him what happen.

He tells you that his company is downsizing and he is worried about losing his job.

He feels more emotionally connected to you because you are actually aware of how he feels.

 

Let’s look at the third example.

Without present moment awareness:

Your boyfriend is having an important exam. Because of that, he has to spend more time studying and therefore call you less often.

Due to the lack of awareness, you are acting on autopilot mode. You are insecure. You started over texting him, surprised him by going to his place etc.

He can’t take it anymore and decided to break up with you.

 

With present moment awareness:

You are still insecure. You pick up the phone wanting to text him.

Fortunately, you have been cultivating awareness. Therefore, you are no longer acting on autopilot.

Because of your awareness, you managed to catch yourself on the act before you do something silly that will push your boyfriend away.

Because of your awareness, you can put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend. You know he still loves you but is just too busy to call you as often.

You continue working on your awareness. Eventually, you even managed to overcome your insecurity. Now, insecurity no longer has any hold on you.

Hopefully, after looking at these 3 examples, you have a glimpse of how present moment awareness can help you get your ex back.

 

Awareness Cannot Be Faked If You Don’t Have It

As mentioned above, you can’t fake awareness.

While reading this section, you may be thinking to yourself, “Ya, I kind of know what awareness is.”

However, that is only knowing it intellectually. You haven’t really developed the skill. This can be easily verified with your ex. If one text message or Facebook status update from your ex boyfriend put you back into panic mode, then you know you still need a lot of practice.

It is just like skating. Seeing other people skate is easy. But wait till you put on the skates. You will probably fall the first time you try.

The only way to learn how to skate is to practice. Similarly, you need to practice in order to develop awareness. You can’t just read this article and claim that you know it all.

 

Awareness Is Not A Magic Pill

Now, I am not saying that once you developed awareness, you will no longer be nervous around your ex. It is just that you will be more calm when dealing with your ex. You are also less likely to act on autopilot.

Maybe this is a better way to describe it:

With awareness, you will learn to respond instead of react.

 

Example:

Without awareness:

Your ex boyfriend is angry at you and tells you that it is impossible between the two of you.

You get desperate and start reacting on autopilot. You start begging and pleading. Obviously, this is not going to help you get your ex back.

 

With awareness:

Same scenario.

You still feel a sense of desperation. Fortunately, you have been working on your awareness. You are aware that you are going to react (beg and plead). Because of that awareness, you manage to stop yourself in the track.

You are also aware of how your ex boyfriend feels. You know he is saying that because he is angry at you.

Therefore, you know you don’t have to take “impossible to be together” too seriously. Instead, you are able to respond by empathizing with him.

So while awareness is not a magic pill, it gives you the capacity to deal with all kinds of awkward situations thrown to you by your ex.

This will not be possible if you are relying on text message or magic letter templates.

I understand that having some templates can be helpful in certain situations. However, you will still need present moment awareness as the foundation. You need to be fully present when you are interacting with your ex. Otherwise, what are you going to say once you run out of templates?

 

How To Develop Awareness?

There are many ways to develop awareness. So feel free to conduct your own research about this topic.

But since you are here, I want to share with you something practical.

In my opinion, one of the best ways to develop present moment awareness is through meditation.

I know there are other get your ex back websites that may have mentioned meditation. However, I think they are missing the point.

They make it seem like you can practice meditation whenever you feel like doing it. However, I really encourage you to make it a daily routine. Make it a habit.

I am not making this up out of thin air.

There have been a lot of scientific studies done on meditation. So it is scientifically proven that regular meditation brings a whole host of benefits. It makes you healthier, calmer, happier and more.

Of course, for the purpose of this article, we are more interested in using meditation to develop awareness so that you have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back. So you can treat the other benefits as a bonus.

If you are interested to find out what other benefits meditation can bring, you can find out more yourself as this is out of scope of this article.

 

The Breath Meditation

One of the most common meditation methods is the breath meditation. Basically, all you do is to sit on a chair or on the floor cross legged, keep your back straight, close your eyes gently and focus on your breath.

Follow the breath as you breathe in and out. The idea here is to be fully present in your own body. Be aware of your own breath.

This might seem to be an easy thing to do. But wait till you try it and you will see how difficult it can be especially if this is the first time you are doing it.

After all, you have probably spent your whole life not being fully present. I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming most of my visitors are at least 20 years old.

So you have spent at least 20 years not practicing awareness. Therefore, it is normal to find meditation difficult. While you are trying hard to focus on the breath, I wouldn’t be surprised if new thoughts keep on coming up, especially thoughts about your ex.

That is often called the monkey mind. The purpose of meditation is to learn how to tame the monkey mind, so that you can be more present and aware.

The Release Meditation Method

I usually practice the breath mediation but I do realize that it is not the easiest method to get into for beginners.

Fortunately, I came across this “Release Meditation Method” on Youtube. In my opinion, it is easier to get into for most people compared to Breath Mediation.

However, once you get the hang of Release Meditation, I do encourage you to practice Breath Mediation.

I embedded the video below. Watch for instructions.

 

How Meditation Can Help You Get Your Ex Back

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you can just meditate somewhere in the cave of a mountain and your ex will come back to you miraculously.

Obviously, that’s not how meditation is going to help you get your ex back.

What meditation does it that it gives you the awareness you need to handle both yourself and your ex.

For example, you may be someone who gets angry easily. You often argue with your ex boyfriend. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke up with you.

Without meditation, you will just automatically act on your anger when someone (your ex boyfriend) pushes your button. It is as if you have no control over your own emotions. You are living life just like a robot.

With meditation, when your button is pushed, you managed to recognize that you are going to get angry just one second before you act on it and explode on your ex boyfriend.

Don’t underestimate that one second. That gives you just enough time to make a U-turn. You are now more in control of your own emotions and it certainly makes you more human.

Of course, I am just using anger as an example. Basically, meditation and awareness works for all kinds of emotions.

Can you see how this is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

 

Meditation and Awareness Are Not Something That Can Be Fully Described With Words

There is only so much I can tell you about the benefits of meditation and awareness in words.

You really need to try for yourself to experience the benefits.

I know this is probably not the best analogy but I can’t think of a better one right now. So I will use it anyway.

It is just like sex. I can tell you how wonderful sex is and how great it feels. But if you never have sex before, you won’t know exactly how great it feels. All you have is intellectual knowledge.

It is the same for meditation and awareness. So don’t just read this article and think you have grasp everything. No matter how busy you are, try to block a period of time where you just meditate.

After all, you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your ex boyfriend back right?

 

Some Exceptions

But there are some exceptions. If you are suffering from severe depression or any psychiatric conditions where you are taking medications, then you may want to consult your doctor first. Otherwise, meditation is generally safe and highly beneficial for most people.

 

The Next Skill To Cultivate – Acceptance

Before you can cultivate Acceptance, you need to work on Awareness first. They go hand in hand. You can’t accept something if you are not even aware of what to accept.

 

Why Acceptance Is Important

I would like to start off this section with a question I received because it perfectly illustrates what happen when you are in non-acceptance (resistance) mode.

Hopefully, after reading my analysis of this question, you will start to see why it is so important to cultivate Acceptance if you want to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Here is the question:

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

As you can see from the question above, she didn’t give me a lot of details about her relationship. I do not know what causes the breakup and what she did over the 8 months period. So I can’t really give her very specific suggestion.

But I do see familiarity in her situation because it is very common. I receive similar question from time to time. Most probably, you will be able to relate to some of the experiences she is going through. So let’s start the analysis.

 

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35.

I am going to take this opportunity to dispel a very popular myth here. It is “Time heals all wounds”.

If you have visited other get your ex back websites, you will usually see advice such as just go no contact for 30 or whatever number of days and you will start feeling better.

There are also advice such as go to the gym, eat healthier, exercise, go out with friends and other external methods.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t do those things. After all, if you haven’t been meeting your friends because you were spending too much time with your ex, then it is probably a good time to start catching up with them again.

If you have been leading an unhealthy lifestyle, then it is not a bad idea to start eating healthier and exercising more regularly. They do help you feel a little bit better. However, those are very superficial stuff and won’t really help you heal fully.

Perhaps you have already tried doing those external things? Maybe you have even been in no contact for a few weeks. So are you truly feeling better now?

If you are really honest with yourself, most probably, the answer is no.

Sure, on the surface, you may be feeling better after 30 days of no contact. But the real test comes when you are interacting with your ex. If you find yourself always reacting over your ex’s every move and are constantly in a state of emotional turmoil, then you know you have not truly healed.

 

Susan mentioned she has used no contact for 35 days. She also said:

I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again.

From that alone, I know she has not really healed from the breakup after 35 days of no contact.

I am not sure what she did during those 35 days. But I am assuming that she is doing a very passive form of no contact. Basically, just waiting for “time to heal all wounds”, which is definitely not a very effective approach.

Alternatively, she may be focusing on those external things mentioned earlier. Again, not a very effective approach to heal a broken heart.

As long as she focuses on the wrong approach, it doesn’t matter whether she goes no contact for 35 days or 350 days. She won’t be able to heal fully.

I am not exaggerating here. Just a few days ago, I receive a comment from a woman who is still hurting one year after her break up. And I know there are people out there who are still hurting even after a few years.

When you are focusing on those external stuff, all you are doing is distracting yourself. You are simply ignoring and suppressing the pain but the pain is still going to be there for a very long time.

 

So What Is The Key To Healing A Broken Heart?

If you want to see better results, you should focus on cultivating Awareness and Acceptance instead.

Here is an analogy:

Imagine there is a hole in the roof of your house. Every time it rains, your house is going to be wet.

You can do nothing for 30 days and the hole is still going to be there.

Sure, you may start feeling better after 30 days but that is not because the hole is no longer there. It is because you have gotten used to living in a wet house. You are used to numbing yourself.

This may work for a short period of time. But eventually, you still have to face the consequences of ignoring the hole. The hole is going to become bigger. When winter comes, you are going to feel the effect.

You can also focus on the external stuff like scooping the water out of the house or placing a pail under the hole.

Yes, now you are doing something. But the result is still the same. The hole is still there.

Why not try a better approach?

First, you need to be aware that there is a hole in the roof.

Next, you need to accept that the hole is there.

This is called acceptance.

Some people may try to resist the fact because of various reasons.

Oh, it is so troublesome.

It cost money to get someone to fix the hole.

I have to clean up after that.

I have to stay at home while they are repairing the roof.

This is called resistance.

But there is no point trying to resist it. Might as well fix it now. The more and longer you resist, the more sufferings you are going to bring to yourself.

 

Roof Repair vs Break Up

Yes, I know the roof repair example seems pretty obvious right?

But when it comes to your relationship, suddenly, what you need to do is not so obvious anymore.

Well, it is not your fault. After all, a break up is a lot more emotional compared to a hole in the roof.

When emotions are high, logic get thrown out of the window.

And the fact that there are so many websites telling you to do nothing or external stuff during no contact is making you more confused.

That is why you didn’t have the awareness to focus on the right things in the first place.

Hopefully, after reading this section, you are at least aware that those approaches won’t help you to heal a broken heart.

You are going to do better if you focus on Acceptance instead.

 

Using Acceptance To Heal A Broken Heart

Acceptance is about embracing both the positive and negative experiences.

When it comes to healing a broken heart, it means allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, anxiety etc.

You need to accept that you are feeling hurt. This is the first step of the healing process.

As human beings, we have a natural tendency to avoid pain. That is probably why doing those external stuff seem so appealing. When you are doing things like dating other people, going to the gym, waiting for time to heal your wounds, you don’t have to face those negative emotions.

Unfortunately, you can only suppress those emotions or numb yourself for so long. Eventually, they are going to come back and bite you in the most unexpected way.

For example, a visitor of my blog once told me that she lost it one day. She was trying really hard to get her ex boyfriend back and wasn’t seeing any progress. Eventually, she lost control and screamed at her ex.

That is why it is so important to face your emotions now rather than later. The sooner you face them, the sooner you can begin the healing process. This will give you greater emotional strength to handle any obstacles when you are trying to get your boyfriend back.

Using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) To Release Your Emotions

One very effective method you can use to heal yourself is the Emotional Freedom Technique.

Now, I want to be upfront with you. I am not an expert in EFT. My only exposure to EFT was through a workshop that I attended a few years ago.

However, I do find EFT very helpful in releasing negative emotions whenever I use it. I have also seen how my fellow participants benefited from EFT on their first attempt.

The beauty behind this technique is that you don’t have to be an expert in order to benefit from it.

You can just start tapping yourself and experience the benefits by following the instructions in the video below.

Of course, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. I am sharing it with you because it has worked for me and I have seen it worked for others. Therefore, I think you may find it helpful too.

Just to share with you what I learned from my EFT instructor. For beginners, they will have a 50% success rate when using EFT to resolve their own issues.

However, for those with deeper emotional issues, self tapping may not be as effective. They can consider seeking help from a skilful EFT practitioner who has the ability to guide them through the entire process.

Just in case you are wondering, the lady in the video is not my EFT instructor.

I chose to embed this video here because after looking through a number of EFT videos on Youtube, this is the most relevant and helpful for breakups.

 

Accepting The Break Up

It is also important to accept that the break up has already happened. The old relationship is gone. Don’t try to fix or get the old relationship back.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Ok, so I accept the break up and I am going to let him go.”

If you really think it is best for both of you to go separate way, that is perfectly fine.

On the other hand, if deep inside your heart, you still want him back, yet you are letting him go without even trying, then that is not called acceptance. It is called resignation.

Back to the roof example. Acceptance means you accept that there is a hole in the roof and you actually do something constructive. You call the roof repair company.

The keyword here is constructive.

You don’t say something like “Ok, I accept that there is a hole in the roof. I will just let it be.” That is called resignation.

 

What Does It Really Mean To Accept The Breakup?

Accepting the break up means you don’t fixate on the past.

You don’t keep on thinking, “If only I have done this. If only I have done that. The break up will not have happen.”

The fact is, you can’t undo the past. I am not telling you to forget about the past completely. After all, it is a good idea to learn from your mistakes.

But once you know your mistakes, it is time to let the past go. For example, if your ex broke up with you because you were too needy, then just take note of that. Don’t beat yourself up for your neediness.

You can spend 30 days of no contact thinking, “If only I weren’t so needy, he wouldn’t have left me.” 30 days later, you are still a needy person and still not in a good position to win him back.

I am sure you can see this is not a very constructive approach.

It is much better to say, “Alright, I was needy in the past and still is. I completely accept that. I will do something to overcome my neediness”

Don’t you think that is a more constructive approach that will give you a better chance to get your ex back?

 

Accepting the break up also means recognizing that your ex boyfriend is a human being, just like you.

Sometimes, I receive comments from women saying things like,

“He is so stubborn!”

“He is a commitment phobe.”

In a way, this is a form of resistance. You are resisting because he is not behaving in the way you want him to.

Sure, your ex boyfriend may indeed be stubborn, a commitment phobe or any labels you are giving him. But when you strip all those labels away, he is a human being just like you.

Just like you, he has emotions.

Just like you, he has his own fears to deal with.

Just like you, he wants to be happy.

Whenever you use a label on people, you are closing the door to emotional connection.

If you label someone as hostile, you will have the tendency to react in a hostile manner too, basically fighting fire with fire. Obviously, you can’t extinguish fire with fire.

He will continue to be hostile towards you, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Needless to say, the interaction is not going to turn out well.

On the other hand, when you see him as a human being, suddenly he is no longer a hostile person. He is just someone who is angry and acting in a hostile way.

Instead of reacting with hostility, you become curious about him. You started wondering why he is so angry and acting hostile.

You started talking to him with empathy and found out why he was in such a bad mood.

Maybe he just lost his job and he is worried about his home being repossessed.

Now, you have opened the door to emotional connection. He felt understood by you. Obviously, he is no longer hostile towards you.

If you are able to bring the same level of acceptance in your interaction with your ex boyfriend, you are going to have a much better chance to establish an emotional connection with him.

 

Accepting the breakup also means being at peace with the fact that he is no longer your boyfriend.

In other words, you need to accept that he is no longer going to call you or text you everyday.

You need to accept that he is no longer going to celebrate your birthday for you.

You need to accept that he has the rights to date other women.

You need to accept that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.

At this point, you may be thinking, “I might as well stop trying to get my boyfriend back.”

Well, as mentioned earlier, acceptance is not resignation.

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means you don’t try to resist the reality.

The reason I am asking you to accept all those things above is because once you truly able to do so, it frees you from anxiety. Without that anxiety, you are less likely to make all the common mistakes that push your ex further away.

For example, if your ex boyfriend is dating another woman, you can certainly try to resist it. You can refuse to accept the reality. Therefore, you started doing all kinds of funny things.

Maybe you spend the whole day checking your ex’s Facebook profile. Maybe you keep on asking your ex about the other woman. Maybe you are constantly worried about whether he will really fall in love with that woman.

When you do those things, you lose awareness. You are not in the present moment. You are constantly worried about the past and future. Needless to say, when you are talking to your ex with that kind of mindset, the interaction is not going to feel good. Your ex will feel pressured and pull away from you.

On the other hand, you may not like the fact that he is dating another woman. You may not think that she is compatible with him. And of course, you still want him back. But you are able to accept the fact that he is dating another woman.

Because of that acceptance, you are able to bring a state of calmness when you are interacting with your ex. Your mind won’t be so preoccupied with the thoughts of him with another woman.

With awareness, you are even able to notice that he seems a little bit unhappy. So you are able to ask him with empathy.

Because of that, he felt understood. He is able to feel that you get him. So he opens up to you. He told you that after dating the other woman for some time, he realizes that he still loves you more.

You manage to form an emotional connection with him. You are making progress. Now you are one step closer to getting him back.

 

Can you see how important Acceptance is?

I think this is worth mentioning. I know there are a good number of women who push their ex away because of neediness.

Imagine that you used to be needy. But now, you are able to bring Awareness and Acceptance in your interaction with your ex.

Don’t you think that is going to change your ex’s opinion of you?

Don’t you think you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

Don’t you think that is going to work better than playing mind games or relying on templates to get your ex back?

Acceptance put you in a position of strength. Resistance put you in a position of weakness.

 

Acceptance Needs To Be Practised

Just like awareness, acceptance needs to be practised. You can’t just read this article and say, “Haha, I am now in full acceptance of everything.”

That is not going to happen for most people. After all, most of us have spent our entire life judging and putting a label on people, resisting reality, holding on to things and refusing to let go.

We have spent our entire life practising the habit of resistance. Therefore, it is going to take some time to cultivate the habit of acceptance.

For example, you might read this article and agree with everything I said about acceptance. Then the next moment, you realized that your ex didn’t wish you happy birthday.

You started panicking and over analyzing things, wondering whether he still loves you. Or maybe you react with anger, “How dare he forget my birthday!” If this is your reaction, then you know you still need some practise.

Right now, you only have an intellectual understanding of acceptance. So your goal is to make it become a part of you.

 

How To Practise Acceptance?

Well, start small. Start somewhere.

 

1. Are there people (acquaintances, neighbors, co workers, family members) you dislike because of some preconceived notion you have about them?

What labels are you using on them?

Maybe it is time to drop the labels?

Maybe it is time to get to know them more?

 

2. Can you start changing your reaction to some unimportant things in life?

Maybe you used to get angry whenever you miss the bus. Can you start smiling or at least don’t get so angry?

The bus is gone. No point resisting reality and getting angry, giving yourself high blood pressure. Make sense?

Maybe you decided to have a cup of coffee at a nearby coffee shop because you miss the bus. Then you realize the coffee taste so good!

Who knows? Perhaps this can be a good place to ask your ex out for a cup of coffee, when you are ready to meet him again.

Basically, the idea here is to cultivate the habit to focus on the positives.

When you can practise acceptance on the unimportant things in life, you will eventually be able to bring that acceptance to the more important things in life, such as the interaction with your ex.

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas on how to start practicing acceptance.

 

How The Situation Can Be Better With Acceptance

Let us take a look at the previous question again.

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

 

This time round, we are going to see how the situation can turn out differently with Acceptance.

1. With acceptance, Susan can heal faster because she allows herself to feel the negative emotions instead of suppressing them.

2. With acceptance, Susan can accept the fact that he may not call her and be ok with that. She is willing to take the initiative to call him when she is emotionally ready to do so.

3. With acceptance, Susan is less likely to make the mistakes most people are making when they are trying to get their ex back.

For example, in the question above, Susan said she has tried everything over 8 months without any significant results. She was getting hot and cold responses, in other words, mixed signals from her ex.

What Susan may not realize is that mixed signals is very common when you are trying to get an ex back.

 

Why does your ex give you mixed signals?

There are 2 possible reasons.

 

1. Your ex is stringing you along.

Of course, Susan didn’t give me enough details about her situation. So I can’t tell whether her ex is stringing her along. But for the purpose of this section, let’s assume that Susan’s ex is NOT stringing her along.

 

2. Your ex is starting develop feelings for you again.

That explains the hot behavior.

On the other hand, he is afraid of getting back into the same old relationship only to break up and get hurt again. He is not sure whether you have really changed for the better.

That explains the cold behavior.

In other words, the cold behavior is a way your ex is using to test you.

That doesn’t mean your ex is purposely setting a test for you. More often than not, this is an unconscious process that is going on inside the head of your ex.

In other words, your ex doesn’t even know he is testing you. He is just acting on autopilot, based on his emotions.

After all, I don’t think your ex have read this article or any articles that reveal similar concepts. So he is probably not practising awareness or acceptance like what you will hopefully start doing after reading this article.

So your level of acceptance is going to determine whether you pass or fail his test.

For example, in the early stages of saving your relationship, he is still very resistant towards you.

With patience, you finally manage to get him to open up to you again. Both of you started texting each other more often.

Then one day, he started withdrawing from you again. He started giving you one word reply.

At this point, most women will probably panic because that is not what they want. They can’t accept that. They just want their ex to keep on texting them more and more.

So they started sending all kinds of text messages such as jokes, pictures etc in order to elicit a response from their ex.

Obviously, that is going to push the ex further away. This is especially true if your ex broke up with you because you were needy.

Now, your ex can see that you are still needy. That means you fail his test.

On the other hand, with acceptance, you are more calm. You are able to accept the fact that sometimes, things will not go your way. You realize that maybe you were trying to move too fast.

So once you see your ex starting to give cold signal (one word reply), you realize that you need to take things a little bit more slowly. You decided to cut down the number of messages you are sending him.

Now, you pass the test because you have been practising acceptance.

 

The Next Skill You Should Focus On – Communication

I know Communication is not a sexy word. In fact, it sounds really boring and cliche.

It is definitely not as exciting as the secret psychological tactics you can use to get your ex back.

But let’s face it. Ineffective communication is probably the number one reason for breaking up. So if communication is not an important skill to focus on, then what else is?

Yes, there may be 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, everyone’s situation is unique. But if you really take the time to analyze your situation, you can probably trace it back to a communication problem.

Here is a typical example which is very common:

She is staying together with her boyfriend but she seldom get to see him because he spends a lot of time at work.

Obviously, she wanted him to spend more time with her. Therefore, she asked him to spend less time at work in order to have work life balance.

He started working less and spending more time with his buddies.

Did he listen to her?

Yes!

Did she get what she wanted?

No!

Why?

Communication problem.

She didn’t tell him exactly what she wanted. She didn’t tell him exactly what she meant by work life balance. Eventually, her resentment for her boyfriend grows. Eventually, that resentment explodes into a big argument followed by a break up.

On the surface, the break up is caused by that big argument. But the root cause of the break up is ineffective communication.

So what should she say to her boyfriend instead?

Should she just tell him that she wants him to spend more time with her?

Well, that is a bit better than simply telling him about work life balance and expecting him to figure out what work life balance really means. But it is still not specific enough.

A much better approach is to simply tell him that she would appreciates if he can spend a weekday evening together every week.

 

Be Clear About What You Want

This is a basic principle in effective communication.

In order to get what you want, don’t just tell people what you don’t want. You need to tell them exactly what you want. Be specific, just like the example above.

Don’t just tell your boyfriend not to spend so much time at work. Don’t just tell him to spend more time with you. Be more specific about what spending more time really mean.

After all, most people won’t have the skills to read your mind.

It is just like in a restaurant. If you just tell the waiter that you don’t want salad, it is only going to guarantee that you won’t get salad. But you are probably not going to get the food you really want.

If you can’t tell people exactly what you want, then a possible reason is because you are not exactly clear about what you want.

If that is the case, take some time to think about what you really want before making a request.

 

What If The Main Cause of Your Breakup Is Not Communication?

I understand that not all breakups are caused by ineffective communication. Even if that is the case, I will still strongly encourage you to work on your communication skills.

After all, I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from better communication.

By working on yourself in this area, you are not just helping yourself in your romantic relationship and increasing your chance to get your ex back. Your non-romantic relationships will also improve.

 

How To Improve Your Communication Skill?

One way to get started is to read some good books and start practising what you learned in real life.

There are so many books written on this topic of communication alone. So obviously, there is no space for me to share everything I know in just one article. And this article is already getting very long but I still have a lot of information to share with you here.

If you are interested to take your communication skill to the next level, you may want to check out this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Although this book is not specifically about getting your ex back or saving a relationship, I believe you will gain a lot of insight about why you were not getting through to your ex with your previous communication approaches.

You can read the reviews of this book at Amazon here.

If you are interested to learn how to improve your communication with the opposite gender, you can check out Conversation Chemistry by Mirabelle Summers.

 

The Number One Equation For Getting Your Ex Back

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, there is only one equation you need to remember.

It is a very simple equation.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

The fact that you have broken up means the current relationship dynamics is not working. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need a “different” and obviously “better” relationship dynamics.

So how do you change the relationship dynamics?

Well, by changing the left hand side of the equation.

Obviously, your have no control over “Your Ex”. You can only control the “You” part of the equation.

In other words, you need to work on yourself! That is why I spent a good portion of this article talking about awareness, acceptance and communication.

When you get serious and start working on these important relationship skills on a daily basis and make them a part of your life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for the relationship dynamics to stay the same.

 

There Are Consequences For Ignoring This Equation

Let’s take a look at the equation again.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

You can certainly ignore the equation and choose to skip the important step of “You” (real internal transformation) and try to get your ex back immediately.

Just be aware that there are consequences for doing so.

Here is a very typical example of an on again, off again relationship:

Let say your ex boyfriend suddenly decided to breakup with you.

So you started reacting on autopilot (due to lack of awareness and acceptance). You begged and pleaded for another chance, promising that you will change.

It worked for the first time. Your ex boyfriend decided to give the relationship another try.

Guess what happen next? Your ex boyfriend realized that the “Relationship Dynamics” is still the same. Nothing has changed. It shouldn’t be surprising. After all, “You” didn’t change.

So he decided to break up with you again.

Once again, you are back to autopilot mode. You begged and pleaded again.

Maybe he will decide to get back together with you the second time. But I believe you can already see how this relationship is going to turn out.

Most likely, it is going to end up in another break up because “You” still haven’t change. And this time round, your ex boyfriend has enough of you.

 

This Equation Is Applicable To Every Breakup Situation

Your situation may not be the same as the example above but it doesn’t matter.

The equation is still very relevant to your situation. I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from a better version of “You”.

In fact, I want to introduce another component to this equation.

Your Ex + You + Time = Relationship Dynamics

Yes, that’s right!

Please take your time to get your ex back.

Very often, I see people just can’t wait to get back together with their ex.

I am here to tell you to:

Sloooooooooooooooowwwwwww doooooooooooooowwwwwwwn!

There is no point of getting back together when the “You” part of the equation is still the same. It is just going to lead to another breakup.

You need time for real internal transformation. That is not going to happen overnight.

You need time to date your ex instead of getting back together immediately. That gives you the chance to change the relationship dynamics.

Your ex needs time to see that you have really changed. You ex needs time to decide whether it is a good idea to get back together with you. You want that to be his idea so that he will be more committed to the relationship.

If you like the information on this article, then sign up for my newsletter below. I have a lot more information to share with you in my newsletter that will give you a better chance to win your ex back.

147 thoughts on “What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

  1. Hi Mark may seem a bit weird coming from a bloke on this site but I stumbled across your page last night at work and I spent over an hour just reading your pages, so my partner and I have been together for 5 and a half years now and in that time we have had our ups and downs like everyone but we overcame them and became a stronger couple because of it, I lost my job back in January this year and her stepdad got me a job at his place as a milkman working 6 nights a week, it started off well but because of her job we barely saw each other from one day to the next and I’d usually be in bed by the time she finished work, I could see that it was putting a strain on our relationship so I made the decision to stay up later on the days she finished early so that we could actually spend some time together which made it harder when I did go to sleep as I only got a couple of hours so when she came up to wake me up I was in a foul mood and we often argued, I proposed to her in August last year when we on holiday in florida and it was one of the best days of my life, and we’ve been looking for a place of our own to rent as we were living with her mum and stepdad in her bedroom, we found this absolutely amazing house so we went to the estate agents money in hand to put down the deposit to find that it had gone about an hour before we got there, so we sat down and started talking about any other properties and she asked what our credit ratings were like, my partners is amazing but she’s on a zero hour contract so they couldn’t take her earnings into consideration and my credit rating is in the toilet because I made some very stupid decisions in life that I’ve only just finished paying off, but I earn the enough money to cover the cost of the house, when she said that there was nothing she could do for us until my credit rating went up I was already feeling pretty low about myself but that pushed me over the edge I fell back into my depression I closed up from her and her family I wouldn’t talk about how I was, and I was so fixated on my self loathing that I didn’t see how much it was hurting our relationship until it was too late, she told me she didn’t have any feelings for me 2 weeks ago on the anniversary of the day I proposed which killed me and she also proposed having an open relationship where we could sleep with other people as long as we didn’t talk about it but I couldn’t do it the thought of her being with another man drove me insane at work, but I thought I still had a chance so I did everything I could to save the relationship not knowing she had already given up, I moved back to my grandparents house thinking maybe a bit of space will help as we were living on top of each other in a small room, and then last Saturday she told me that she couldn’t do it anymore and that it was over, but she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, we still talk everyday and we have done more in this last week as friends than we did in the last 2 months of being together but that was due to my depression, we have been to the cinema we’ve been out for a couple of meals together and we went shopping on Saturday, I was invited round her house for a family get together to celebrate a birthday and I could see her from across the room giving me the eyes that she wanted to jump on me the second we were alone I went in to the kitchen to get another drink and she followed me in made sure no one followed and we kissed passionately for about 10 minutes and then tells me to come upstairs in 15 minutes to which she’s lying on the bed in her underwear and pulls me on top of her, we start kissing and fondling and then she went off on one and told me to go away and climbed under the duvet, I’m so confused as I am still madly and completely in love with her and I would do anything to have her back, but I don’t want to force her into being in a relationship again knowing that she’ll be unhappy and if I cant get her back I don’t want to lose my best friend but she says there’s nothing there anymore and might not ever be again,

    Sorry for the essay

    • Well, most of my articles are relevant to both genders anyway.

      Don’t worry too much about what she says. It is just a matter of content vs context. Right now, the emotional connection between the 2 of you is not strong enough. That is why she is saying you can’t be together. If you are able to strengthen the emotional connection, you can change what she says.

    • I’m Jenny
      Thank you thank you thank you. I have accepted and I will be more aware. I will learn to communicate the right way.

    • Hi Mark,
      Just wanted some advice on how to deal with my break up. We we’re together almost 3 years and I found out he cheated and HE broke up with me saying “he needs to work on himself!” He texted me saying that he hopes he didn’t scare me enough to find love again. He promised me that he wouldn’t talk/mess with anyone until he works on himself. After that, I just couldn’t help myself and wanted to talk to him so I can hfind “closure” and when we did talk; it was like nothing happened. I treated him like a king (getting him things, buying things for him, even got him promoted at the job) and his daughter loves me! We never argued at all (not even once) We talked as if we we’re still together. But I did NC for about 2-3 days (except I would be cordial with him since we work together but never gave him energy like before) and he texted me that night saying if he can come over ( but not to talk except to have sex)! The next day I was confused because he gave me mixed signals and I finally asked if we were back together and he said no that we were just friends! I told him that I didn’t want to be friends and that I would give him time and space. It’s been 3 days of NC-I do have good days and bad days but lately I haven’t been able to sleep! I only cried once about the whole thing and I don’t know why! Please help

      • Before you even try to get him back, there are some inner work you need to do. Based on what you mentioned here, it seems like you have a problem with establishing boundary. You are trying too hard to please and often end up neglecting your own needs. This is known as The Nice Girl Syndrome.

        I also suggest that you spend some time doing this exercise. This will give you more clarity and help you make a better decision on whether the relationship is worth saving.

        Also, don’t waste time getting closure. In my opinion, there are only 2 options.

        Either the relationship is worth saving or it is not.

        If it is worth saving, then you try to save it. No point “closing” a relationship with someone you want to be with. If it is not worth saving, then you are the only one who can give yourself closure. That is why I ask you to do the exercise above. It is a much better use of your time.

        When it comes to getting your ex back, you need to do it one step at a time. Basically, you need to be willing to meet him where he is at emotionally. This is explained in more details on Day 11 of my newsletter. I noticed that you have already signed up for my newsletter a few days ago, so you will get that information in a few days time.

  2. Hi, Mark

    Please help me. Me and my ex had a row, now he has blocked me and wont talk to me. He said that he just wanted to be friends and that he never wants to be with me again because he doesn’t like anything about me. I got really upset and said that I don’t want to be his friend which was a stupid mistake and now he has blocked me. I cant stop crying I don’t want him out of my life I dont know what to do please help.

    • Hi Sarah, sorry to hear about that. I know it is easier said than done but try not to worry too much. Just because he blocked you doesn’t mean it is over.

      Also, you don’t have to take what he says too literally. It is just a matter of content vs context. So don’t worry when he says he never wants to be with you again. It is simply his emotions speaking to you. Emotions can be changed over time.

      With that said, I also want you to be realistic. Most probably, it is going to take at least several months before you can get back together with him. Because the fact that he has blocked you means you have probably pushed him too much.

      Let me explain what is happening.

      Based on the many comments you have left on my blog, I think you were too emotional and you were trying to push him to make a decision. That is why he reacted against you and block you. What you should do now is to stop contacting him for at least one to two months. Maybe even three months or more. The reason why is because you are way too emotional now and I think you might need quite a period of time to heal.

      You really need to heal properly first before you can reach out to him. If you try to contact him before you are properly healed, you will not be able to control yourself and end up pushing him away again.

      So follow the suggestion in this article. Heal first and also work on the skills mentioned here. Only when you have healed and you have mastered the skills mentioned here should you reach out to him. If you are still feeling miserable about the breakup, don’t contact him. That will only make things worse.

      Also, don’t worry about losing him if you don’t contact him. Judging from your previous comments, I don’t think he is ready to be in a healthy relationship right now. So you don’t have to worry about him talking to other girls. Even if he gets into a relationship now, the relationship is probably not going to last. You may also want to read this article I have written about rebound relationship so that you can learn how to handle this type of situation.

      So please take your time to heal. Don’t think that you have to rush. Spending a few months to heal and taking the time to learn new relationship skills will actually make it easier for you to get your ex back.

      • Hi, Mark

        Thank you so much for your advice and im sorry for sending so many messages. i was really emotional, my ex is contacting me now but not sure what to talk about it feels as if he hates me but I am going to learn these skills.

        • I just want to add today he being weird with me now he is seeing my messages but not replying to me. He replied to me by saying morning and that was it.

        • You shouldn’t be thinking what to talk about because you shouldn’t be contacting him now. With your current emotional state, it is not a good idea for you to stay in contact with him. It will only make him resist you more.

          Until you have healed, transformed yourself and developed the skills to get him to open up, like what I mentioned in this article, it is going to be very difficult for you to get your ex back. That is why you should focus on yourself now. Don’t worry about him or what he is doing. That is not important at all and is going to distract you from what is really important, which is yourself.

  3. Thank you so much. I will follow your advice, I have also downloaded your ebook and will start reading that too. I know I need to work on myself, I think I will work on something until I have learnt that skill then move on to the next one. Like I know i was clingy, had trust issues from previous relasionships and being moody. I used to be moody and upset a lot becuase of my job, I used to get picked on alot their and it took my confindece that was when things went wrong with me and my ex.

  4. Hi Mark,

    My boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago. We started doing long distance at the end of May as he recently was hired for a job out of province and I am currently not in a position to move. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year and I have been helping out at home a lot. I also just finished a Master’s degree and need to stay where I am to travel to perspective job interviews as there are no opportunities for me in the province he moved to due to my specialty. I habe been working towards this unique career path for 5 years and we had many talks about where it would lead and to my knowledge that was okay with him. During our relationship we did 2 years of long distance while he attended college in another city and we would visit on weekends while we could. I have a had to travel for training for weeks or a month at a time so long distance is not new to us. We had been friends before we started dating and our relationship just sort of happened. And it was really really wonderful. He was my best friend and companion and i couldn’t be happier. About a year into our relationship we had some serious talks because I noticed he would go through some lows some days. He explained that he suffers from depression and anxiety. For about 6 years or more I have really tried my very best to support him and have encouraged him to talk to me or seek help but often times our conversations would go in circles. I know that I lost my cool on a few occasions where I couldn’t believe that he was still no willing to get help and grew frustrated that he just continued to stay in this situation but I woukd say 90% of the time I tried to put a positive spin on things and really tried to help. Marriage has been a sensitive issue between us. It is something I believe in and something I really wanted with him. I also wanted a family some day and never really pictured my life that way until I fell in love with him. We never got engaged and it was something he would not discuss with me and when we did he would shut down. I suppose it became particularly difficult when he knew how much it would mean for my mom to be a part of that special occasion while she is still here with us and I couldn’t understand that why after 7 years he wasn’t able to make that commitment. I recently travelled to visit him for 2 weeks and I was so incredibly happy to see him. I cried when I saw him and was just so happy to sit in the car beside him again. Our time together was good for the most part but I could sense he was distant. Affection has always been a struggle for him and it seemed worse at a time when we had been apart for 3 months. We did a lot of things together while I was visiting, dinner, movies, paddle boating and camping. Things we love to do together. But after returning home from camping I reached over in the evening to wrap my arms around him and he pulled away. The distance he had been showing me really got to me and I started to cry. I told him that when he pulled away from me it hurt me and that the long distance hasn’t been easy and that we only had a few short days left together before we had to say goodbye again. I tried to get home to talk to me but he wouldn’t so we went to sleep. The next morning he asked me if I wanted to go get some breakfast and I said I didn’t want to until we talked because I was still upset from the night before. We started talking (which all seems like a blur right now) and he said “I don’t know if things are right between us anymore. I don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.” He made it clear after that he loves me as a person but isn’t sure if he is in love with me. I was completely shocked and heartbroken. My brother happens to live in the same province so I spent my last 2 evenings there. I really didn’t accept what he was saying, much like your article talks about because I didn’t want to believe what he was saying. I still don’t really but I know I have to try. I pleaded with him to work this out with me. We talked a few times since then and one of our conversations actually got somewhere. We both agreed that resentment had muddled things between us and that the communication had been lacking. This happening to us really made me reflect on my actions and my words over the past little while. I can’t say I’ve changed but I definitely have new perspective. When we talked he asked for time to process everything and I’m afraid I was having a difficult time dealing with it all the following day and I contacted him. He was having a down day. A very low dark day of depression. He didn’t remember talking to me the day before nor was he very responsive so I ended the conversation. We talked again as we had both agreed to the following day and he just said he didn’t know if we could work this out over the phone and asked if I really thought we could rekindle what we had over the phone. I explained that I have commitments here for the next few months but maybe I could come out again in a bit. Ultimately he said “I Don’t think you’re going to accept this and I don’t think we should talk on the phone”. At that point I was very emotional because it felt like I was losing him all over again. We haven’t spoken since (4 days). I am very close with his parents and they explained that when my ex called to tell them about the break up he got so emotional he could barely speak. They thought I had been the one to end it. We talked a bit and they know a bit more now and his Mother said she thinks his depression has a lot to do with what he’s going through. I am not going to blame it all on the depression but after reading about what happens to someone who is depressed and what emotions they feel and why they end relationships it really lines up with everything he ever said about his internal feelings and his feelings for me. There was a lot of guilt. He didn’t like the way he was treating me. He also said that he had been feeling this way for a while, though he cannot give me a time frame. I asked him why he didnt talk to me when he started to feel bad so I could try and make things right or get off autopilot because i think i was and he said he wanted to avoid conflict. He aslo said he didn’t think about our relationship or me while he was away and took that as a sign that we were over…but he called everyday and sent text messages… and not just flat ones. Flirty, loving messages. I know that I share just as much blame as he does for things going this way but I am still so in love with him and cannot picture my life with anyone else. One of the things my ex made clear is thy he doesnt know how this will make him feel a few weeks or months and says he would never be aftaid to contact me and let me know…
    I guess I’m just wondering if you have any advice or insight into my specific situation?

  5. Hie Mark,

    My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because we used to fight a lot I was pretty insecure and nagging after 3 months because of career crises and my depression so he supported initially but then he also became very distant from me and after that I went No contact for 2 moths in these 2 months I have changed myself a lot I am out of depression and anxiety but then when I felt ready I contacted my boyfriend back but he is no mood for relationship he wants to focus on his career solely and he is not receiving my calls I talk to his mom his mom has asked me to give him time since he needs time to recover from the emotional turmoil I am finding it very hard to focus on my work and I am scared that he will forget me and move on.
    We live in different cities I email him frequently telling him how much I miss him and I remind him of our good memories but he doesn’t respond to me .

    What should I do?
    Should I listen to elders and give him and not contact him or should I keep emailing him and visit him with gifts and flowers and ask my friends to convince him?

    • You should not contact him right now because you have not developed the necessary relationship skills mentioned in this article. So it is totally pointless for you to contact him now. Without these skills, you will struggle to get him to open up.

      So the reason for you not to contact him is not just because he wants space. That’s just part of the reason. The main reason is because you are not ready yet. You are probably still in reaction mode.

      No, don’t ask your friends to convince him. He will resist you even more if you do that.

      No gifts and flowers either. The main reason for breaking up is the loss of emotional connection. So if you want to save your relationship, you need to focus on the emotional connection. That is why you want to spent time developing your relationship skills so that you increase your ability to get your ex to open up.

      When you become an expert in getting your ex to open up, you will be able to connect with him on a deeper emotional level. That is when your ex will start considering getting back together with you. No amount of gifts and flowers is going to change his mind if you don’t have the relationship skills to connect with him.

      So what you should do is to use this period of no contact to heal yourself and cultivate the necessary skills like what I mentioned in this article.

      • Mark,

        My boyfriend is misbehaving with me I sometimes cry a lot and I him in the amidst of it. He pretends to overhear me and disconnects my call no amount of apologies are working on my favour.
        I am completely numb I have become too vulnerable.
        His mother also doesn’t speak to me or call me inspite of telling me that she will speak to me.

  6. Hi Mark,

    I knew and started dating with my ex for a month, we started off well in the UK. Yet, I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago for no reason, but said let us be friends first since we have no time after all. For some reason, it happened out of the blue few days after I was brought to see his best friends who are mostly girls and are completely different style from me. In short, they are from local, but I am a BBC. Everything went on well even after the night meeting his friends which I thought they were quite nice somehow. All of a sudden, my ex suddenly changed his mind to break up after having affected by his friends to some extent. Until now, I am still confused to what should I do next to take him back as normal?

    Given that we are coursemate, we will still meet up in time, so I am struggling on implementing the no contact rule. I initiated contacting my ex by email him briefly which I also got a friendly reply from him. I then email him back with a supportive reply, given the fact that we both are engaging in heavy study schedule in these 2 years. Then we back to no contact again. Simply speaking, I just want to get back in touch with him normally as a good friend after all? What should I do now? Shall i still give him some space?

    • Hi Mark,

      some updates on the progress. I am confused when my ex occasionally contacts me these 2 days, I dont know what he is thinking of. How should i get back to him with at least a normal conversation as a friend first as he offered?

      Many thanks for your advice.
      Charlie

  7. he said to me today that when he is ready he is going to find someone else and that I should move on because he doesn’t care anymore.

      • Hi Mark,

        I spoke to my ex-boyfriend recently. He is still in resisting mode and he has clearly stated to me that he doesn’t have anything to do with me in anyway. In fact, he is treating me like a stranger. I spoke to his mother she also gets angry on me that why do I contact him. she has said to contact him on his birthday which is in April and then celebrate it with him as she will convince him to meet me.
        ‘I really don’t know what to do? he treats me like a stranger and I was still begging him giving him every reason as to why so I deserve a second chance and he is getting strong with every passing time that he went up to an extent of saying that he doesn’t feel anything for me now.

        • The reason he is still resisting you is because nothing has changed. You are still trying to beg him and convince him to get back together with you. If you keep doing so, it will increase his resistance towards you.

          It doesn’t matter what causes a breakup. If you boil it down to its core, it is always an emotional reason, not a logical one. So the key to getting your ex back is to work on the emotional level.

          When you try to convince him and give him all the reasons to get back together with you, you are trying to appeal to his logic, which doesn’t work. That is why in my previous reply to you, I told you to focus on healing, getting yourself out of reaction mode and developing the relationship skills I mentioned in this article so that you can start connecting with him on an emotional level.

          I suggest that you read this whole article again. Ask yourself how many suggestions in this article have you actually implemented? Because it seems to me that you haven’t implemented any of them and you are just doing the same old things that don’t work.

          You cannot keep on doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

          Also, I know you have signed up for my newsletter for a while and by now, you should have received the videos about the 5 stages. Watch those videos again so that you have a clearer idea of what to do and what not to do during each stage.

  8. Hi Mark,

    I stumbled upon your page yesterday and I’m really grateful for this article. It helped me reflect on things.
    My bf and I brokeup 2 weeks ago. we were together for 6 months. we were exhausted when we broke up so in a way there was a bit of mutualism. Things were turning downhill as I had my insecure moments I felt he was distant lately and I was trying to elicit reaction from him by making jokes but it felt different. He said everything is ok and that hes just busy. One day I went crazy and told him how I felt neglected lately. He said I overthink and that he still have the same feelings for me and hes been trying his best to make this work with me.

    He has a very busy schedule and it all started when I raised an issue on a principles differences (spending time with his family versus our time together) weeks before he ended the r/s. He seemed firm abt his and me about mine. So we decided to see how it goes. And ever since that talk I felt the difference in him (paragraph 1 above), and then after my outburst, 2 days later he told me that its best we go separately and learn and fix our own issues first. I agreed with him. We were heartbroken, and 2 days later I pleaded n begged for second chance and I realized my mistakes and I wanna change to be a better person, but he said he couldnt do this r’s right now and that he said going into the r’s will end up the same result (similar as what you wrote above) and that we should learn grow separately and hopefully if we r meant to be we will be back together again and can meet in the middle. He said that apparently he’s been evaluating abt us as couple ever since the talk (principle issue). I told him no wonder maybe thats the reason I felt something is off about him (woman’s instinct). He also said its accumulation of our past arguments (he think we fought alot where actually we just fight 3x in total 6mths), and he believes that he wanna find a partner who’s very much compatible with him and dont fight alot (at all if possible).
    We talked about our future together, and im the first girl he brought home to his parents, so we were serious abt each other (30’s). He’s kind-hearted, gentleman, and we both said to each other that we’re the best thing that ever happened in our lives. Ive never felt this way about any other guy before.

    I guess I was a bit disappointed that he threw in the towel instead of giving me a second chance to fight for this r/s. but from your article its valid i guess that he was dying of some space and I was too smothering him perhaps. Since the pleading got rejected, I haven’t contacted him since (its been 2 weeks now). and I kept replaying the past (exactly like ur article) and wondering if i had done things differently. I learnt my mistakes and I have to be more understanding of him and i want to sacrifice/compromise and learn to adapt to his values because I love him. But of course I also hope that he would want to meet me in the middle. I’ve been praying a lot too and I finaly found peace, and your article was just what I needed to reaffirm it (I believe its a sign I stumbled upon this). I wannt to be the old, happy me again before I met him.

    My question is, what do u advice me to do? Of course I do want to be with him but if we ‘re not meant to be then I know I won’t force things.
    Should I contact him when Im ready or in my case since I already pleaded before, I should not contact him until one day if he contact me? Because the thing about contacting first, you never know how the other actually feel ? (moved on about you/miss you but doesnt want you back).

    I have to agree with you that in the rs there are times I lacked awareness, acceptance. and on this part, communication because i was a little shocked that he remembers all our past mistakes and then said it on that day we brokeup (im the type solved, forgive n forget) instead of being open about it if he doesnt feel ok about things during the course of r/s. He thinks we both tried our best – but in my opinion we haven’t even gotten to the tough part yet (about other issues etc). Upon reflecting, I have a feeling that he doesn’t like confrontation (i mean most men doesnt ya?) and imo that is not healthy since Im the opposite type.

    Much thank you for your insights,
    Sarah

    • Yes, you should contact him once you are ready. The reason is simple. If you want something, you have to take the initiative. This is true not just in relationship, but in all areas of life.

      I know there is always the risk of rejection when you are reach out to him. Again, that’s the nature of life.

      You have 2 choices.

      1. Don’t contact him.

      You will not face any rejection. But you won’t get him back.

      2. Contact him.

      You may face rejection. Does it mean your chance is totally gone if he “rejects” you?

      Of course not! It depends on how you respond to his “rejection”.

      You can take it personally and be defeated.
      Or you can respond with empathy and curiosity and figure out ways to get him to open up to you.

      That’s where acceptance comes in.

      Getting your ex back is all about emotional connection. If he misses you but doesn’t want you back, that’s ok.

      All it means is that he doesn’t want you back right now. That’s is because your emotional connection with him is not strong enough right now.

      But that doesn’t mean he will never want you back in the future. You have to put in a lot of effort in the beginning to strengthen your emotional connection with him. This process can take anywhere from a few weeks to even a few months. It is not something that is going to happen overnight. Once the emotional connection is strong enough, he will start seriously consider getting back together with you.

      So don’t take the passive approach, expecting him to want you back in the beginning. You have to put in the effort in the beginning to make things happen.

      It is normal for people to remember all the negative things just before a breakup. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have chosen to breakup. You are probably right. He is probably the type of person who doesn’t like confrontation and have problems speaking his mind.

      Unfortunately, you can’t really change a person. Since you want him back, you will have to accept that about him. The important thing is, now that you have this information about him, what are you going to do about it?

      Again, you have choices.

      One, you can choose to resign to it and nothing will change. Two, you can develop your relationship skills and learn how to get him to open up to you. Learn how to handle a man who doesn’t like confrontation.

      Who knows, once you developed these skills, he will see the changes in you. In turn, that will actually inspire him to change as well. You can’t force someone to change but you can be the inspiration.

      • Thank you v much Mark you have provided valuable wise insights n encouraged me. You’re a blessing to other people.

        “Or you can respond with empathy and curiosity and figure out ways to get him to open up to you.” “Two, you can develop your relationship skills and learn how to get him to open up to you.”
        – I’m not sure how to approach that. Do you mean being platonic friends with him? Would that make me unable to move on / friendzoned?

        It’s been a month now since we brokeup and I haven’t heard anything from him at all. He did text my sister happy birthday and when she replied “hope you guys will get back tgtr in future” , he replied “thank you, we”ll leave to God to lead us”.

        Does it look like he’s open to getting back tgtr? You read my mind, I’m 50/50 on your choices as I was crushed when rejected first time round..

  9. Hi Mark

    My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago. We haven’t been in contact since as he felt it would be easier to move on if we didn’t speak for a while.

    I sent him a message on Facebook for his birthday and he responded by blocking me. I don’t really understand this. If he hadn’t responded because he wasn’t ready to speak to me I would understand and give him more time. Why block me though?

    • Some people react more strongly than others, so don’t take it too personally. It doesn’t necessary mean you have done anything wrong unless you sent him the wrong message at the wrong timing.

      What kind of message did you send him? Did you mention anything about your relationship or getting back together or is it just an ordinary birthday greeting?

      It will also be useful if you can give me more information, like the reason for breaking up and his personality. Does he have the tendency to exhibit avoidant behavior? Knowing these information will help me give you better answer.

  10. “Your boyfriend is having an important exam. Because of that, he has to spend more time studying and therefore call you less often.

    Due to the lack of awareness, you are acting on autopilot mode. You are insecure. You started over texting him, surprised him by going to his place etc.

    He can’t take it anymore and decided to break up with you.”

    What you wrote above is basically what happened…he started his MBA and is working full time in a highstress job. I tried to keep things light and happy and that pushed him away and he asked for a break. I gave it three weeks, but when I reached out to him I got a “I don’t think you should have to change”. How can I reach out to him to show him I’m aware of my mistakes and I’m so sorry?

  11. Mark,

    My ex initiated the break up, then before even 3 weeks were up after it, decided to put up she was in another one (this was on a facebook status which she knew I would see). I followed your advise and have been pleasant when she contacted only to find out she has now blocked me from facebook, pinterest, and instagram when all i have done is remain passive… i mean what the hell have I done to make her act like act? did she she put that status up in order to try and make me jealous? or what. We had been friends for 10 years before we started the relationship which lasted a year and now she is being down right horrible to me when she was the one who broke it off!! im so confused!!!

    • What was the reason for breaking up? And what did you say to her in your reply? Examples? Without these information, it’s hard for me to tell what happen.

  12. Hi Mark,

    I recently broke up with a guy I was dating for 6 months. We weren’t an official couple because he said he did not feel comfortable enough to call me his girlfriend just yet. I did however spend thanksgiving with his family and meet all his closest friends a few weeks after. He said there were some things I needed to work on, and I thought I had started working on them. But one weekend when he came to visit me (I live 5 hours away), I checked his phone and found out he had been on a couple dates with one woman and seemed like he was looking for options. I confronted him and he said he was very sorry for hurting me. He said that my lack of change in behavior is what led him to seek alternatives and wanted to decide whether or not he should end it with me. I have been very angry and emotional. I wanted him back and told him I take responsibility for what I did and want to change. I also admitted that I love him, something I hadn’t done before. He said he still has feelings for me, just not as much as before. They are damaged. He wants to work on a friendship and see if we can get comfortable and trust each other again. I want to be considerate of what he wants but I don’t know how to deal with my emotions and anxiety. I love him and want us to be happy again together. He also said he might date other people and I’m very bothered by that even though I know I don’t have any control over it. He still cares about me and is willing to help me in anything I need as a friend. He calls everyday and talks to me. But my emotions sometimes take over and the conversation does not end on a happy note. I am pushing him farther away but I want to end that. I will be leaving the country for 2 months and I’m worried he will date others and realize he doesn’t want to be more than friends with me. I will accept it if that’s what he chooses, but I don’t know how to deal with my emotions and get my mind off of it. Our situation bothers me everyday. Please help.

    • Don’t worry too much about him dating another woman. I explained exactly why in this article, How To Get Your Ex Back From A Rebound Relationship. As for dealing with your emotions, try not to force yourself not to think about it.

      It is just like a pink elephant. I keep on telling you not to think of the pink elephant. What will happen? Well, you will think of the pink elephant. Have you tried some of the exercises recommended above? I am not sure whether the exercises will work for you but I have feedback from a number of my visitors that those exercises has helped them calm down a lot.

  13. Hi Mark!

    I really like your approach of self healing, but i would kindly ask for your advice about my situation.

    My ex boyfriend and I have been in a 2 year on and off distance relationship. It took me quite a while to get over my previous relationship and accept him the way he is.
    When we spent time together, we were really happy, could even bring the stars down for each other. But when we are in different countries again, we barely talk. Most of the communication has been via texting. Most of the times he works till late, other times spends time with friends, or family 24/7. There are always reasons why he does not have time to skype with me.
    I have been trying to accept this, but living in a distance relationship its already hard, and i needed to communicate to him that i would like to talk to him more. So one day i wrote him an email that i would appreciate if he would make little more time to talk to me. His reaction was to break all connection with me, not answering my texts anymore, and when he did, he broke up with me. He didn’t even take the time to break up via a video conference. This is the second time we broke up. The first time was also for similar reasons, i sometimes had negative reactions, which by now i have learned how to handle.

    The first time we broke up it was for similar reasons, but we got back together after a two month break. I went to his city without his consent, but at the end turned out to be a good idea.
    Now i really don’t know what to do, i would really like to get back together with him and of course change for the better. Last time we had contact was when i called him after i saw his breaking up text message. Unfortunately i did the mistake of writing to him, reminding him that its not only negative times we had together. Of course i didn’t get a reply or any kind of form of contact from him. Its been 3 weeks since we talked normally and around a 6 days he broke up with me.
    Please tell me what to do..I really love the man and don’t want to lose him.

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