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How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – Dispelling The Myths

I understand you are here because you want to learn how to get your ex back. But before we get into the whole process, it is important to dispel some of the common myths that are circulating on the Internet.

Put it this way. Believing in those myths can actually hurt your relationship. You can end up hurting yourself and your ex.

Myth # 1: No Contact Will Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

If you have been searching for information on how to get back together with your ex lover, you are probably no stranger to this concept of no contact.

There are so many relationship blogs out there recommending no contact as a way to get your ex boyfriend to miss you. Sure, your boyfriend may miss you. But you won’t know how long it is going to take.

Not all men will miss their ex after 30 days. Some can take 3 months, 6 months or even a year. He may also move on and forget about you.

In fact, I have written an article about why it is not a good idea to make your boyfriend miss you using no contact. I encourage you to read this article before you use no contact for the wrong reasons.

Myth # 2: No Contact Is Working If Your Boyfriend Contacts You First

I have seen similar types of comments so many times.

“No Contact works! My boyfriend contacted me after 3 weeks of NC. We got back together but we broke up again soon after.”

Many people say NC works for them because their ex contacted them after a few weeks. Well, just because your boyfriend contacted you doesn’t mean no contact is working. After all, you want to get your ex back permanently and keep him forever.

Getting back together and breaking up again soon usually means people are using no contact for the wrong purpose, to manipulate an ex. This doesn’t get to the real reasons behind the breakup. That is why the relationship doesn’t last even if they do get back together. Sooner or later, the breakup is going to happen again.

In fact, the only reason to use no contact is to heal and work on yourself. It is not to make your ex boyfriend miss you or contact you first.

If you are only using no contact as a way to heal and work on yourself, you don’t even have to worry about whether it is working. As long as you start to feel better, you know it is working because that is the purpose of no contact in the first place.

No contact should not be a way to get your ex back. It is only a step to get your ex back. We will discuss this in more details below.

Myth # 3: Your Ex Will Not Move On During No Contact

Many relationship experts claim that your ex will not move on when you are implementing the no contact rule. This is not always true, especially if you handle the situation wrongly.

What you need to understand is that every relationship is unique. Sometimes, it is a good idea to implement no contact if you think you need the time to heal or maybe both of you are too angry to talk to each other at the moment. However, there are times when no contact is a bad idea.

There are many people who have lost their relationship for good because they follow the no contact rule to the letter. If your ex wants to keep in touch with you but you insist on following the no contact rule and ignoring him completely, your ex may simply decide to move on because he thought you have already moved on.

If you really need the time to heal, here is a better approach. Just tell your ex that you are very happy to hear from him and you really love to talk to him again in the future. But right now, because of all the things that have happen so far, it is probably best for both of you not to contact each other for a while. Tell him that you will get back to him once you feel better.

As long as you are tactful in your approach, you don’t have to worry about pushing him away.

There are a number of benefits to this approach.

First, it doesn’t make you look needy or desperate.

Second, you are not playing mind games with him.

Third, he won’t think that you have moved on.

So you have the chance to use no contact to heal without pushing him away.

Of course, don’t be too rigid about it. Different situations require different approaches. Let say you have kids with your ex, obviously you can’t strictly adhere to no contact. Or maybe there is death in your ex’s family. You don’t want to be mean and just focus on healing yourself and ignoring him.

Myth # 4: There Are Dirty Psychological Tricks You Can Use To Get Your Ex Back

There is no place for dirty psychological tricks in a healthy relationship. Sure, those tricks may work in the short run, mostly on people who are insecure, but they are not going to work in the long run.

In fact, implementing those dirty psychological tricks may cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

With all that said, let us get into the actual steps of getting your ex back.

Step 1: Manage Your Expectation

Before embarking on any important journey in your life, it is always a good idea to know what to expect so that you are not thrown off by surprises and you are prepared to deal with the challenges ahead.

Getting your boyfriend back is definitely important to you. After all, if things go well, this man can become your husband in the future.

So let us talk about what you should expect if you decide to save your relationship.

Also, you may want to read this article. There are people who told me that this is best get your ex back article they have ever read.

What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

You May Not Get Your Boyfriend Back

First, you need to accept the possibility that you will never get him back. When I wrote this guide, my intention is to help you get your ex back permanently, without playing mind games or using manipulation tactics.

However, no one can promise you that you will definitely get your ex back. My intention for writing this guide is not to give you false hope, but to increase your chances of getting your ex back for good.

It Can Take A Long Time For You To Get Your Ex Back Especially After A Really Bad Break Up

I know you really want to get your ex back fast and right now. However, there are no magic pills when it comes to saving a relationship. Don’t believe in any claims that say you will win him back within 7 days, 14 days or any numbers for that matter.

Sure, you may have heard of couples who got back together within days or even on a single date. However, you need to remember that every situation is different.

If you realize that you are making good progress with your ex but are still not officially back together, do be patient. After all, Rome is not built overnight.

In fact, it is actually better for you to do it slowly so that you actually have enough time to change the relationship dynamics before getting back together.

Why is that important?

Because if both of you get back together too quickly without changing the relationship dynamics, the reunion is probably not going to last. Before you know it, he is going to break up with you again because he realized that nothing has changed.

That is why patience is extremely important.

You Can Get Hurt During The Process

Let’s put it this way. If you really want to get your ex back no matter what, you need to assume that you want him back more than he wants you back. In other words, you need to be the one doing most of the work to save the relationship.

I know this sounds hard. But you can learn to look at it more positively. This mean you are taking control of your relationship. You are actually taking action to fight for your happiness.

I understand that you are a woman. As a woman, you probably expect your ex boyfriend to contact you first. But you need to remember this. The relationship dynamic is very different now. It is not like when he was first pursuing you.

Sure, there is always the possibility that your boyfriend will contact you first. But what if he doesn’t? Are you going to wait forever?

There is always the possibility of getting rejected and hurt if you are the one initiating contact. However, there may be a greater reward waiting for you at the other side, which is true love. After all, no pain, no gain. If you want true love, you need to be willing to show your vulnerable side.

Step 2: Healing Yourself

Before you even try to contact your ex, make sure you are not an emotional wreck. When you are too emotional, you will tend to do all kinds of things that will push your ex away.

How Do You Start The Healing Process?

Well, the way to do so is through no contact. Basically, that means no calling, texting, sending emails or any other forms of contact. During no contact, you should work on the skills mentioned in this article.

As mentioned above, no contact can be considered as a step for getting your ex back. Basically, you need this step to heal yourself first before you are ready to talk to your ex again.

However, it should not be considered as a way to get your ex back. Implementing no contact is not going to help you get your ex back automatically. Don’t try to use no contact to manipulate your boyfriend or to make him miss you.

In fact, I have written about the consequences of using no contact for the wrong reasons. You can read more about the consequences here.

What If No Contact Is Impossible?

Sometimes, it is just not possible to implement no contact due to various reasons. Maybe you are working in the same place. Maybe both of you have kids.

If that is the case, just keep in limited contact with them. Try to be as friendly as you can be. You don’t want to be nasty or simply ignore them. If you do so, your ex will think that you are immature and that is definitely not going to help you get him back.

On the other hand, you don’t want to be overly friendly or talk too much about your relationship right now. If you are still emotional over the break up, that will show during your conversation and it may push your ex away.

How Long To Keep In No Contact?

You have probably seen many websites recommending at least 30 days. Personally, I do not believe in such a rule because every relationship is unique. In fact, for certain situations, sticking to 30 days or more of no contact can actually hurt the relationship more than it helps.

After all, no contact is meant to be a tool to heal yourself. Some people are just better at handling their own emotions after a breakup. If you are already feeling better after a few days and you really know what you want, you can go ahead and contact your ex.

However, if you are still extremely emotional even after 30 days, then it is better for you to stay in no contact.

What If Your Ex Contact You During No Contact?

Don’t be rude. Don’t ignore them. Make sure you give them a reply.

Some experts may advise you to ignore your ex completely during the no contact period. This is very dangerous. Your ex may think that you are immature or you are simply playing mind games with them.

Many people have lost their relationship for good because they are going overboard with the no contact rule. It is usually not a good idea to take things to the extreme.

If you still need some time to heal yourself and think about the relationship, just let your ex know in your reply. Use the approach mentioned earlier in this article under Myth 3.

Your Ex Is Also Using The Internet To Learn How To Get You Back!

You are reading this now because you are using the Internet to learn how to get your ex back. If you can do so, don’t you think that your ex may be doing the same thing?

That is why I do not encourage you to play mind games with your ex. Your ex may know what you are trying to do to him. Imagine how he is going to react if he knows you are playing mind games on him and toying with his feelings.

That is why if he contacts you during the no contact period, you shouldn’t ignore him completely.

Step 3: Contact Your Ex

Hopefully by now, you are feeling much better. If that is the case, you can start contacting your ex.

You are probably wondering how you should contact your ex. Is it a good idea to write a letter? How about a text message? Maybe it is better to contact him through Facebook? Or should you just call him straightaway?

Well, there is no hard and fast rule for this. After all, you know your ex best. How did you contact each other when you were still together with your ex. Do you call or text more often?

Sometimes, it is also about personal preferences. Perhaps your ex is someone who prefers talking over the phone. If that is the case, you can consider calling him.

Of course, it is also about you. After all, it can be intimidating for you to initiate that first contact. If you feel uncomfortable using the phone right now or is afraid that you will say the wrong thing, you can use text message instead. At least, you will have the time to think about what you want to say.

Obviously, you can’t get your ex back if you are still in panic mode. That is why I created the Calm Down Newsletter to help you relax.

Once you signed up, I will send you an exercise that you can start practicing today. If you have the discipline to pratise the exercise for at least 5 minutes every day, you will be in a much better place emotionally 30 days from now.

The faster you heal, the faster you can start contacting your ex and get him back. So sign up below to get started.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 306 comments

Older Comments

Laura

Hi Mark, I have been doing the no contact rule and currently in week 3, the first two weeks were the hardest but it seemed to get easier as time goes on. I have analysed the relationship that I had with my ex and realise where I went wrong. I feel like a different person then I was when I was dumped. The break up really hit me at first because I thought that my whole world was falling around me, but after a while I realised I have been acting needy and desperate. Unfortunately my ex has dropped all contact and is a stubborn guy. Is there anyway I could communicate with him without looking desperate or needy? Or should I just wait it out as just see if he contacts me?

Mark

Are you emotionally ready to contact him? Are you still in reaction mode? You may want to read this article where I talk about healing yourself, reacting to situation versus responding to situation as well as internal transformation.

Ultimately, if you are not truly emotionally ready and you still feel insecure in your core, he will probably be able to sense your desperation and neediness.

So no contact is totally useless if you don’t spend the time really working on yourself. I think you should be honest with yourself. Most people don’t transform themselves within 3 weeks. So you may want to ask yourself how much have you improved during those 3 weeks? Most probably, you still need more time to work on yourself.

So I suggest that you don’t be in a hurry to contact him. I also don’t recommend taking the passive approach and waiting for him to contact you. Instead, I suggest that you really spend this period of time healing yourself, developing new relationship skills like I mentioned in that article I ask you to read. Only when you are truly ready do you start reaching out to him.

Trying to reach out to him before you are ready will only confirm to him that he has made the right decision to breakup with you because he can see that you are still the same old person he broke up with. So be patient. Make sure you really feel secure in your core before reaching out to him.

Rose

Afternoon Mark,

My boyfriend and I had been dating each other for three months. About a month ago he broke up with me saying that he didn’t think he was emotionally stable to be dating someone right now and didn’t think it would be fair for me. Before all of this, he said that he had no intentions of going back to his ex girlfriend and wanted to keep dating me and did not see us breaking up anytime soon but later on he drunk texted me and said that he still loved his ex and he couldn’t deny it. The next day, he called me up and apologized to me. He said he needed time to think and I gave him space even though at first I pestered him and got mad even though I didn’t show my anger when he didn’t tell me Happy Birthday and blocked me on Facebook (on my birthday) when we were still dating. A week or so after, he broke up with me. His reason was that he was too busy with school and military to be with me since we used to hang out all the time and he didn’t think that he could give me what I needed all the time even though I told him that I did not need to be around him 24/7 and that we could work it out. But he told me that it would just be better if we broke up, so I agreed with him, even though I didn’t want to. I knew I wouldn’t have won that fight. He told me that we might get back together “in a few weeks, perhaps a month, or a few months. Maybe a few weeks.” in his own words, he kept saying a few weeks. He did tell me that he wanted to be friends but I was like okay but I don’t know how that will work out since I am not friends with any of my exes. He acted hot and cold with me and still sort of is. Though he does contact me, usually every few days and I do not initiate contact with him since I need time to heal myself but I do answer him back but yet if I text, he will ignore me sometimes. But lately, he has been better at contacting. He wanted to keep having sex with me but I told him I couldn’t any longer, not unless we were dating. He respected my decision and told me later on that “I think you’re right.. We shouldn’t do it anymore.. I think you are right.. We shouldn’t unless we are dating..” Was what he texted me. He has told me a few times that he did not feel like I connected with him and that I was too shy at communicating certain things perhaps, he never specified on which aspect of it. As time grows between us, I can understand what i did wrong even though he never put any blame on me and I can see that he was expecting more from me and moving faster that I could keep up which ended in us breaking up. But I do remember him sometimes comparing me to my ex (i.e. told me he didn’t feel like i connected to him like his ex did. and he told me that his ex would complain on how much he wanted sex when we were dating but he said that he enjoyed that I wouldn’t complain to him about it). I love this guy very much even though we haven’t been dating for long. I want him back and its been pretty much about a month now. I am sort of stuck on where to go from here. Any advice? People have been telling me to let go of him and move on but I don’t want to and I’m trying to be as optimistic as I can.

Mark

The key to getting your ex back is emotional connection. So this is what you need to focus on. If you are able to connect with him at a much deeper level than what his ex used to do, then your chances of getting back together with him will increase significantly.

As for how to connect with him emotionally, this is a skill that can be learned. You may want to read this article for more information.

Lili

Hello Mark,

I have a “philosophical” question.
I am torn apart. I don’t know if I should hope and try to get back with an ex or just focus on forgetting about him with time. From this break up, I learned a lot. But I am afraid to try and end up hurt again. We’ve had arguments, obviously. My pride and my feelings are in a constant fight.

We all read those quotes about exes:
Going back to an ex is like reading a book again, when you already know the ending
OR
Once something is broke, you can glue it back together but you still can see the cracks (if people can be compared to objects, what would they be? A glass or a bone, for instance?)
OR (in a more vulgar way)
Going back to an ex is like eating your vomit

I was wondering what were your rational thoughts about that…

Mark

Going back to an ex is like reading a book again, when you already know the ending.

Well, there are some good books that I have read several times. Every time I read them, I learned something new. While the ending may be the same, assuming you are talking about a novel, your experience and your appreciation of it may be totally different.

After all, different people have different ways of reading a book. Some people just skim through a book quickly, thinking that they know the big picture but miss the finer details. Some people read from cover to cover, too obsessed with every detail that they miss the bigger picture. Some people are distracted or multi tasking when reading a book and miss out the gems.

So you can consider reading the book a second time using a different approach.

With that said, it is worth noting that some books are worth reading over and over again because they are so profound. Some books are not worth reading a second time. Some books are not worth reading at all.

Of course, at the end of the day, it is you who have to decide whether a book is worth reading again or even worth reading in the first place. After all, different people have different opinions and preferences.

Once something is broke, you can glue it back together but you still can see the cracks.

Well, sometimes objects can be used as a good analogy but not always right?

Most probably, you have heard of people who broke up because of affairs but eventually got back together, the relationship stronger than ever.

You have to understand that sometimes, these quotes are written by people who are feeling rejected themselves. They are writing these quotes just to console themselves.

Why?

Most probably because they have no idea how to solve their problems.

If you want to achieve something, why would you want to waste time listening to people who don’t know how to solve their own problem?

You have a choice here.

Either take personal responsibility for your own relationship so that you are more likely to get what you want.

Alternatively, you can let the people who wrote these quotes to take responsibility for you by following those quotes. Just know that if you choose that option, you are probably not going to get what you want.

Sarah

Hi,

I was with a guy for a year. When we met he was very nice and telling he wants a relationship with me, that we should do many things together etc…
After he became distant but he still text me maybe once per 2 weeks, he was very busy with his work. But when we met each other we had a nice time and he was all the time saying that we have to spent more time together, go on holidays etc…few months later he became even more distant, I saw that he is all the time traveling and with his friends but he still text me sometimes…only for sex I think!
He went on holidays without telling me anything and texting me and when he comeback he told me that he changed his job and is moving to another city and he wanted to apologize. Since he left he still text me only for sexting, even if he is telling me he likes me a lot and if he wouldn’t moved we would he together. Told him that don’t want sextext anymore and he reply to me to be friends. What should I do? I am confused and don’t know what to think. Thanks

Mark

He isn’t serious about you. That is actually quite obvious and most probably, you know it but you don’t want to accept it.

Have the courage to let go. I know it is painful but clinging on to this guy is not going to lead to anywhere. Don’t let your emotions cloud your thinking.

Believe in yourself. I am sure you will find another man who is serious about you and will treat you well.

Gemi

Hi Mark,

Me and my boyfriend were in a relationship 2 yrs. We connected on a lot of levels, shared a number of interests like music, comics, science…so on. We have mostly lived far away. Met perhaps twice a month at most when for a short duration I moved to a city close to him and have once even gone six months without seeing each other at most. Off late we were having some nasty fights and some of it were due to my insecurity that we werentn’t talking much as we was really busy at work and his insistence that he has to till he gets somewhere with his career. We did have some wonderful moments whenever we met. He didn’t abandon me even for a second. Recently after a nasty fight he told me he really needed to break up as he was hating these and he would if this continued. Then all was good for a few days. Both of us were taking care to actually be considerate. Then he sort of didnt talk to me at all on my birthday, the reason being he was traveling inter country and didn’t have network for sometime. I got really upset, he too got angry as he felt i was too impatient. He dumped me. Didn’t listen to me at all.We have not spoken in 6 days now. I don’t know what to do.
On the same day, He told his mother, who is very close to me, that he ended it because of me being rude and then asked her to call me to ask how I was doing. She refused. He didn’t say anything. I later came to to know this when his mother called me. I feel shattered Mark. Don’t know what is happening. Help me.

Mark

It seems that all these fights has eroded the emotional connection between the two of you. When the emotional connection is gone, the break up will happen. So what you need to do is if you want to get him back is to build up the emotional connection again.

Obviously, that is going to take time. Give yourself some time to heal first and work on developing new relationship skills. You may want to read this article for more information on what are the important areas to focus on.

Then once you are healed and emotionally ready, reach out to him again. That is sort of a big picture plan on what you need to do.

Carmen

Hi Mark,

My ex bf of 2.5 years broke up with me a month ago. We have been long distance all this time and been able to travel to see each other 6 times. He has always been loving sweet caring and overall we’ve had a wonderful relationship. Two months before the break up he was planning to finally come to live here but his Parents were giving him a hard time and he fell into depression. His dream has always been to live in America. I didn’t realize his depression until he started ignoring and I became needy and clingy and I belittle him everytime we fought. Even though I apologized later those words were always on the back of his mind. So after one of those fights he broke up with me even telling me he doesn’t love me anymore. A week before he was telling me how much he misses me and he was sweet and all so it was confusing to accept his words. I begged and pleaded miserably for 4 days after the break up . He had blocked me from social media but then he unblock and even though he was reading my messages he didn’t reply. During this 26 Days of NC he hasn’t contacted me neither have I. I have worked intensively on my healing and made lots of changes with my personality realizing so many mistakes I made . I feel I’m healed now. Problem is I don’t know how to approach him. How to break the silence ? What to say if he was the one broke up with me ? I forgave all at this point I had to for my healing process I hold no grudges but I do have a hard time finding what to say to him ? What do u suggest ? He should be coming here soon to a friend of his in Michigan . Should I travel to see him and just show up in his country and contact him to see if he would like to meet up even as a friend? I mean all of this break up situation was over the phone not even skype :/ I haven’t seen him in person since February. Please I need your help

Mark

Although he told you that he doesn’t love you anymore, you don’t have to worry about it. He said that due to his emotional state at that time. It is simply a matter of content vs context. Hope that clears up your confusion.

I know right now, a single day may feel like a year to you. However, 26 days is not really considered long when it comes to getting your ex back or even healing. Are you sure you have healed from the breakup? Are you truly emotionally ready to contact your ex?

If you are sure you are ready, then just send a simple short message just to break the ice. Maybe a message he will appreciate. For example, “Hey, I heard your favorite band is going to your country. Just want to inform you in case you are not aware of it.”

You have known him for 2.5 years after all, so I am sure you know at least a few things he may be interested in.

I don’t recommend just showing up in his country unless you have a legitimate reason to be there like you are there for work. He may not like the “surprise”. Try to break the ice first. Don’t do anything too drastic.

When you send the message to him, make sure you are doing so without any expectation. Your mindset is very important here. Send it to him because you really think he will be interested. If he replies you, great. If he doesn’t, that’s alright too. Don’t panic and bombard him with more messages. That will push him further away.

Maybe he is just not ready to talk to you yet. That’s why he doesn’t reply. Just send him an ice breaking message every now and then until he replies you. No fixed timing here. Sometimes, you can send him once a week. Sometimes, once every 2 weeks. Sometimes, once every 2 months. You get the idea here.

Getting your ex back can be a very slow process. You need a lot of patience here.

With that said, I am not telling you to spend all your time thinking about your ex. You should focus on leading a meaningful and enriching life. Getting your ex back just happen to be one of the many goals in your life. That is a more constructive approach to take to get your ex back and when you are having a good time, you have more things to share with your ex so that you can invite him back into your life.

Jules

Hi,

My bf and I have been together for over 2 years. We broke up for 2 months last year because we both wanted to mature a bit more before continuing the relationship. Last time we broke up, we maintained a friendship, and we eventually got back together when he became worried I was considering dating someone else. We get along well other than that, and rarely fight.

Yesterday we broke up again because he said that although there is nothing wrong with the relationship, he wants to be single and wants to find out who he is as a person. I was hurt, because he had promised me that he wouldn’t hurt me again. He’s a great person, and I hope that we can can get back together again. I haven’t contacted him since we broke up, should I maintain this for 25-30 days and then contact him to see if he wants to try the relationship again?

Thanks :)

Mark

It is not a good idea to talk about the relationship on the first contact. Usually when people do that, they end up pushing their ex further away. As for the reasons, this is actually covered in great detail in my newsletter. You should receive that information on Day 11.

Rick

Dear Mark,

My name is Rick, and i broke up with my ex around one and a half month ago. i must tell you that i happened to be in a gay relationship, but i belive that love is still love no matter what race and gender it is. i’m 31 years old asian guy and going to be 32 this week.

i’ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years. it’s a long distance relationship. but we live in the same country but different city. i know this might sound cliche but i do love him with all of my heart. But i’ve break his heart cause i lied to him. i replied other guys who chatted me, and i install an app for meeting up. i did meet up with one guy, but we just talking and i told him that i already have a boyfriend but living in other city. i abselutely no intention to have sex with him or what so ever.

But my boyfriend find out and want to break up. i’ve tried apollogizing and beg him to give me another chance. but he still dont want me back. i tried no contact with him for 20 days. and i go to his city to meet him. he dont want to meet me at first, but i said i just want to clear everything out. he said he still hates me, and dont want to get back together, which i understand. i only said that i want him to open his heart, and he said he’ll try. and then we hug and simple kiss.

The next day i go back home and hoping that our relationship will be back the way it was. but i was wrong. I admit i push him too much, i said i miss you all the time. and call him all the time. and suddenly he disapeared. he wont answer my text or call. and then i went into panic mode. i keep texting him why he dont call and even asking his friend.

And i decided to give him another time and didn’t contact him again. I ask my friend to ask just please answer my text (he didn’t know that i was the one who ask my friend to tell him) because i cant think about anything but him. i even send him his stuffed animal and a letter saying that if he want to move on then i will move on. and after 12 days of him not contacting me, he text me and said that he’s ok. and already forgive me. and said he want to move on and i should too.

I know deep in my heart i still can’t move on from him. we still chat after that for a while. so the next week i went back to his city to meet him. When i was there, he don’t want to see me alone. so he brought his 2 friends with him. i feel sad but i put on a happy face. and then we get the chance for a talk alone just 10 minutes. and he said he still hates me, he no longer has feelings for me, and that he’s seeing someone else. i was broken hearted that time. so i was acting like i dont care about him anymore. and then i went back home. and he text me saying sorry for the way he treated me etc. i replied the next day saying : ok, no worries. and then we stop communicating after that.

Last night my friend call him and asking if he want to go to my city to give me surprise for my birthday. and then they talk a lot of things. He said that he still hates me, and there’s a lot of people make a move on him but he still don’t want to have a relationship for now. And he said he don’t want to come to my birthday because he dont want me to get the wrong idea. and it’s very hard for him to give me another chance because he still hates me very much. He don’t want to give me promises. if we’re meant to be together then we will be together in the future. but he still want to be friend with me.

And now im confused what to do. my friends said i have to move on and forget about him. i just can’t because i know he’s the one for me. We already have our future plan. He’s going to my city for study and work here. and i already have plan to bought an apartment together.

I trully accept my mistake. i know i was wrong. i just want him to give me another chance. im closer to God because of this experience. Im starting my baptism study this week. Can you please help me Mark? i don’t know what to do. What to say when he said happy birthday to me? and how to get him back? cause i trully want to change and make him happy. i know he’s the love if my life. i had past love but none is as powerful as this.

thank you

Rick

Mark

Right now, he is resisting you. So you shouldn’t be pushing for getting back together now. Also, don’t keep on telling him how much you love him at this stage. That will just push him further away. You will understand why after you go through the information here.

Don’t worry too much about the birthday greetings. However you are going to reply him is not going to make a big difference. The key to getting your ex back is emotional connection. Before the emotional connection can happen, you need to be in a good place emotionally yourself. You need to heal first. You also need to cultivate the necessary relationship skills. You can read this article for more information.

With these 2 pieces of information, I hope you have a much better idea of what to focus on.

Rick

Dear Mark,

3 days ago my ex contact me, but he contact me because he need to borrow some money for his college tuition. I lend him the money and now we chat but he replied me 5 to 6 hours later. I just chat with him like friends do. I want to appear happy so that he don’t run away again. but he never ask me anything, so the conversation is one way only. I’m the one asking him all questions.

And yesterday he called me for my birthday. but it was 11 pm on the day of my birthday. not in the morning. I don’t know why he does that. we chatted like normal, and I appear happy towards him. I’m joking don’t forget about me when he’s famous (he started to have a career in tv). and he told me ‘I already forget about you’

And then my friend ask him what he’s doing tomorrow. and he said he wants to meet up with a new person. and it broke my heart.

What should I do next? I keep thinking that he moved on and I’m staying in one place. should I keep texting him everyday? I’m in a really bad situation now :( should I just completely forget about him? should I not contact him any longer? he really not interested in me anymore I suppose

Thanks

Rick

Chameleon

Hi Mark, my ex boyfriend continued to text me and send me messages on Facebook. We were together 3 years. I broke up with him in May 2016 because he was going back and forth sleeping with his babymomma and lying, telling me he was not. I told him to never contact me again. I went no contact for 3 months. He kept contacting me saying he loves me, misses me and I can come back to him whenever and if I wanted to. I finally agreed to meet with him to talk. When we talked, he told me he is confused. He doesn’t know what he want, can we be friends, I told him no. He is still dealing with the babymomma, so why even contact me and bother me if that’s how he felt. He sent a message asking to be friends, so I told him never to contact me again. Now I got to start the no contact rule all over again. I’m sure this time, he will not contact me because if he just want to be friends, he doesn’t love and want me. He is with his babymomma who he has been in an on again off again abusive relationship for 10 years. She just sent him to jail last year for abuse and they started messing around again. I still love him but it doesn’t matter. I just need to get over him and I will be glad when I do. I hate that I still have feelings for him.

Mark

I am sorry to hear that. Getting over someone is definitely going to take time, so don’t blame yourself for not being able to do so immediately. To help yourself with letting go, you may want to try the meditation method here.

Elvorina

Hi Mark

My ex broken up with me almost 2 months ago and he never gave me reason as to why. He just texted me to say its over and I should move out which I have done because I was tired of fighting it. Because we never had closure and I couldnt understand what just happened I did all mistakes by sending text messages asking him to speak to me and that i need closure and blah blah. But as the weeks gone by I eventually stopped with the nagging and just kept my distance to a Hi and wishing him a good day and a goodnight. Which he always responded too. On some occasions he still asks me to do him favors like calling the swimpool centre but I never read too much into it. So last week i decided not to make too much contact with him. And out of the blue one evening he sends me 2 video clips one of Christina Aquilera-Hurt and one is a poem where he says he’s sorry and did a dumb thing and hope its not the end of our relationship. This obviously left me with a big question mark and so confused. Obviously those arent his own words but why send me those specific videos. i questioned him about it and he replied saying that he just wanted to say sorry for hurting me but in the process he actually hurt himself more and he struggling to get over me even though it may seem so to others and that he broke his own heart and left it open. I feel that he himself is confused but I dont know what to think anymore. He’s been with other ladies during this time and not just just one. He’s had 3 ladies thus far. I havent looked at another guy coz i love him so much and i believe with all my heart that we are meant to be together. But he is stubborn always has been. Please will you give me your opinion regarding these videos. what is he trying to tell me? I’m back to not contacting him for now. But i wont ignore him if he should contact me. i just feel i dont want to come across pushy if i make contact with him. But i always only just greet him and thats it.

Mark

Don’t read too much into it and over analyze things. Just like you, he is equally emotional over the breakup. So he is just acting out of his emotions. He is confused. If you want to get him back eventually, you cannot be as emotional as him. What you need to focus on is to develop skills to manage your own emotions and also skills to get him to open up so that you are able to connect with him on a deeper emotional level. Eventually, it is going to be emotional connection that is going to help you get him back. You can read this article to learn what you really need to focus on.

Cindy

Hi Mark

I was with my ex for nearly 10 years including 5 married. Things were very intensely blissful for almost the whole relationship apart from the last 4 months. Then there was a period when we were not really affectionate at all with one another. There is obviously responsibility on both sides from what I’ve read but I certainly wasn’t emotionally available and stress at work really harmed that.

I’ve also read that you can’t be friendzoned, just that there is an emotional block but every time we meet although I think I can feel some attraction and we get along great everyone says it sounds like friends. And obviously we aren’t affectionate. I worry that this just reinforces his views that I’m just a friend?

Cindy

Mark

Don’t worry about the friend zone. It doesn’t exist for the 2 of you because you have been together for 10 years. 10 years is a very long time.

Let me use a video game analogy here.

What you need to understand is that you can’t just jump from level 1 affection to level 10 affection overnight. It takes time to go from level 1 to 2, 2 to 3 … 8 to 9 then 9 to 10.

Just like you didn’t fall from level 10 to level 1 overnight. It took 4 months for the relationship to fall apart. So you need to be realistic here. It will probably take at least a few weeks or even a few months of constant effort before you can get back to level 10 affection.

Every single level is going to take time. So you just need to focus on the emotional connection. Once the emotional connection is strong enough, the affection will come again. It is possible to reach level 10 eventually but you need to be patient.

page

Hey mark i was with my ex for 5 years. We went through ALOT of huge emotional things together. (Like being homeless and losing everything like his car and everything we ever had gained in our lives) we made it through all of that i believed there was nothing that could pull us apart. He told me he would marry me if we had the money and that he would start a family with me also. It was a really close and intimate relationship. Until recently he started getting annoyed very easily and angry. We decided we needed to make a change. So i moved out of our apartment and i moved into my moms 1 bedroom apartment so we could get some space and work on ourselves. Like i would go back to school. Well he started having friends over everyday and my apartment turned into a party house where they would all hang out and watch video games. He then told me that he no longer loved me and started feeling like his old self since i havnt been around… he told me that it was nothing i did , he just doesnt want the same thing anymore. When literally a month ago he again brought up the fact that he wanted to marry me. Im very confused and so far beyond hurt. All i want is to have him back. I havnt texted him to see if he still maybe made a mistake and still wants me. Well 5 days after the breakup he said that he wants us to be friends he doesnt see us being together right now and hes not sure but maybe in the future. He called me about 6 times tonight and called me on facebook. He texted me saying that hes sorry he broke my heart and he feels like an arse. He said if i dont msg him he’ll never msg me again because he will know i dont wanna be friends. He said he will be waiting for me to call him. He literally just called me while i was typing this. I really love him. We shared such a bond that i dont think i will ever feel again with anyone else. I dont know what to do. I dont wanna lose him but i dont wanna just be friends. Im scared of being friends and then he moves on with someone else. I couldnt bare it. But calling me 8 times to be my “friend”? What does it mean ? He would never be so pushy for just any of his other friends. Why does he wanna keep me as a friend so bad if as he says he feels more happy without me ? Im so lost please help

Mark

Right now, he doesn’t want to get back together with you because you have just broken up and the emotional connection between the 2 of you is not strong enough for him to consider a relationship. On the other hand, he doesn’t want you to disappear from his life. Therefore, he wants to stay friends with you. If you are wondering what to do, you can refer to this article, What to Do When Your Ex Wants to Be Friends. I also recommend that you read this article to learn how to improve your emotional connection with your ex.

Sarah

hey mark,
thank you so much for all the advice on your site and from the newsletter, things have been processing ok so far. it’s been about a month since me and my ex have been talking again, and i still find it a bit difficult to get her to open up to me.
We can talk about our interests and daily lives fine, but if i ask about whether she’s doing ok or how her day was, she’ll almost never answer those questions. she’s been through some tough situations lately, and I’ve been supportive and empathetic to her whenever she’d come to me for help, but she’ll almost never tell me the exact details of some things and seems to open up to other people better than me.
She’s told me that she still cares about me and wants to have me in her life and enjoys my company but that’s it’s just “hard for her to talk to me sometimes” Is there any other tips on how i can get her to open up to me more or should i keep doing what I’m doing and be patient to her? i just feel like she’s totally blocking me off emotional, almost as if she knows I’m trying to connect with her more

Mark

This means that she is not ready to connect with you at a deeper emotional level right now. So try to be patient with her. I believe you have already received the email I sent you on Day 11 of my newsletter, about the 5 stages? Based on what you mentioned so far, she is probably at Stage 2. So to a certain extent, she is still quite guarded against you. At this stage, she is not ready to get back together with you. She is probably worried that if she opens up to you too much, you will start to pressure her to get back into a relationship with you. You may want to watch video 2 again to learn what you need to do at this stage.

Sarah

I understand, thank you so much for replying. I’ve gone back and watched the video and your newsletter for stage 2, I’m pretty sure we’re still in stage 2 as of now. She’s become a bit more distant though and wants to be left alone to deal with some issues, but I’m respecting her wishes as of now and just told her that I understand and hope she feels better and that I’m here in case she ever needs to talk.
Now that you mention it though, I did somewhat try to convince her early on in the breakup to come back and pleaded to give it a second chance. That was 2 months ago though, and I’ve already gone through no contact. Would it be ok for me to apologize for my behavior back then yet, or should I still wait til a later stage? I know I shouldn’t talk about our relationship or the breakup at all right now, but would it be ok in stage 3 at least?

Mark

No, it is not necessary to apologize for that. Stage 3 is still too early. Wait till stage 5.

Sam

Hi Mark,

I’m glad to come across your website which focus on self healing instead of tactics of getting ex back, because after all I found it more important to make myself a healthier and happier person instead of whether this ex is back or not. Here is my situation and I hope I can have your advise:

Me and my ex have been together for 13 months and he was madly in love with me at the beginning, although I knew that I was still not fully healed from the previous relationship, I still accepted him because of his passion. Hence we did spent great times together and he always told me that how lucky he is to be with me something like that, I could feel that he was really in love with me back then, while for me, I admitted I was not really into him at the beginning because I still miss my ex, but then I started to fall for him later and became more and more committed in this relationship, then the problem appeared, because I was broken from the previous relationship, I was insecure and sensitive all the time when I really fall in love with him, he didn’t sense that at the beginning because originally I am a very independent girl and not very into him, but after I fall for him, I became like that. Yet after couple times of serious fight, he still said he would change for me to let me feel safe and secured (but actually it was my problem not his, but we did not realize that by that time, and he really loved me so he said he can try to change for me, like being more expressive to show his love to me).

Things get serious in the last 2 months, that I became extremely emotional and consulted doctor and found out that I got depression, my world was totally dark by that time and I became extremely needy and emotional, I relied heavily on him to heal me, he felt a great pressure and we broke up once, then after 1 week he came back and asked to get back together, he said he really love me, I was still under depression by that time, and actually not healed at all, but I just said yes and we got back together, then the week after get back together was in hell for both of us, I was still suffered from the depression and still extremely emotional on him, but I started to be better because I found him really suffered a lot from me and I told myself I need to share his pressure, so I proposed a short break again to him calmly and rationally, I think that was good for both of us and I promised him I would use that period of time to heal myself and seek help from other friends and relatives instead of only him, he agreed and thought that’s a best solution too, by that time he still said:”but don’t forget I love you, I want to assure you that I will never abandon you, and always be there for you.” I feel warmed and full of hope, then after 1 week break, I felt much better and wanted to catch up with him, but he seems cold in the text messages and then I freaked out and kelp asking what’s going on, he didn’t answer and kept saying he need more time, i sent a bunch of text messages to him for 2 days, he just repeat that he needs more time, then I gave up and blocked him, then 1 week more, he contacted me to meet up, we met up for a dinner and I thought there were hope, but then he broke up with me, he said the last month has pushed him to the edge and he lost the feelings to me, I said that’s an illness, but he didn’t agree, he thinks that’s an illness but it happened on me because of my insecure character and that’s not a character he wants. I didn’t cry but keep begging him for a chance and told him that I have been much better already, he just said he lost faith already and has no feelings to me and some other mean words. My heart was broken and felt betrayed because he just changed so fast and sudden. I texted him for begging and complaining until next day then didn’t text him from that, and after 1 week he came to my place to take back his stuff, I gave him a gift and apologize for the hard times and say thank you for everything, he then said:” you were my highlight of my last year too, and I was really happy to be with you last year, you influenced me a lot to be a better person” and then I said if the insecurity is the only problem, he said yes, then i said, but that’s not existed anymore now, why cant we just try again? he just said he lost the faith and didn’t want to take the risk to try anymore, and he said, maybe you are right that you did changed already, but still, I lost the feelings on you so I don’t bother to try. Then I said ok, and hugged him really hard then let him go. and then next day I texted him saying that actually he’s right that we got a lot of places not match with each other , and breakup is a good decision, he replied with yup. (I guess I was still mad and just did this to make me feel better).

Now it’s a month since we broke up and 3 weeks since we met last time he came to take things. I deleted him on facebook, he never contacted me nor blocked me, I didn’t contact him too until last night I texted him and said recently I read a book which inspired me a lot about relationship and realized that how wrong we did it before, recommended him to read that too, and believed that can benefit him in the next relationship, i think it benefit me too. He then replied okay he will try to read when he has time, and said good for you, then i didn’t reply him.

I am going to travel alone for 2 weeks, and I want to contact him again after that, like 3 weeks later, and follow the flow, but I am not sure if that works, because he feel calm and really lost the feelings to me, he replied my messages instantly but cold, he didn’t have a rebound relationship or any other special signs on social media, I feels everything is just normal for him, but on the other hand I know he is a very stubborn and introvert person, he will hide his feelings very well, so I am not sure at all.

So now I hope I can focus on my self healing, I wish I can achieve to a state that if he can come back, that’s a bonus for me; if he won’t, I am still a happy person and have a wonderful life. I am not sure if I can achieve that though, would you please advise what can I do next to get him back and also achieve the spiritual state above?

Would be grateful for your reply. Thank you so much.

Sam

Mark

It is certainly possible to achieve that state. However, it is definitely going to take time. It may take a few months for most people to heal properly. So don’t think that you have to rush. Give yourself enough time to heal, develop new relationship skills and transform yourself before you try to get your ex back. I think 3 weeks is a little bit too rush. You need to be realistic. Most people can’t transform themselves within 3 weeks. If you try to reach out to him before you have truly changed, it is not going to work because he will come to the conclusion that you haven’t changed and realized that he has made the right decision to break up with you. So be careful of that.

For further tips on what to do to get your ex back and how to heal yourself, you can refer to this article. You may also find these videos helpful.

john

Hi Mark me and my partner split up 3 days ago after 4 years together. we have a daughter together. The reasons she says she doesn’t want to me be with me anymore are that I currently work for me ex partners company (the same offices). I worked here when we met but for the last two years she has been asking me to leave. I want to leave but cant find any jobs that pay anywhere near what i get know. And that she doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore and she thinks she has lost the passion for me. She has pain during intercourse and is currently waiting for an operation to see if she has endometriosis. she says she feels constantly under pressure (from herself) to have a passionate relationship and be fun again together. I have explained that it may be the illness why she doesn’t want sex or due to the fact that she resents me for going to work every day. But she says she thinks its over and that she still loves me but she wants to have time away from me to see if she misses me and if she doesn’t then she has done the right thing.

So 2 days into the breakup i went to her house to see my daughter before she went to bed. We then had a 2 hour conversation where i basically broke down, cried, begged, promised her the world but. Then she comforted me cried a lot, told me she was sorry for hurting me and that you never know how she might feel in time.

I have looked up the no contact rule and its hard as i have a daughter with her. Im just worried that she isnt going to miss me and realise that shes actually happy without me. I initiated not contacting her today. Im very emotional at the minute and i know every time im in contact with her im going to break down. Your suggestions on what i should do from here would be brilliant.

Mark

You working in the same company as your ex is probably just the symptom. It is not the real cause of the breakup. The real cause here is probably the lack of trust.

Why is there a lack of trust? It may be your issue, her issue or a combination of both.

For her, it might be her insecurity. Maybe, it was due to negative experiences during her childhood or her previous relationships.

For you, it might be poor communication. That’s why you weren’t able to get her to trust you. With better communication skills, the breakup might not have happen.

Or as mentioned, it may be a combination of both. Of course, there may be other reasons. So you may want to dig deeper. I am just giving you some of these reasons as a starting point.

With that said, your priority now is to get yourself in a better emotional state. You can’t do anything constructive if you are still very emotional. You may want to read this article for more information on what you should focus on to increase your chances of saving your relationship.

Lindsey Edgerton

Hi Mark !

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. He’s 23 and I’m 21, we did long distance for 2 years and that worked out really well. Then these past 4 months he came back home from college, which changed things a lot such as I grew clingy and attached. Another issue I would have that consistently bugged me was him spending so much time with his one friend, but whenever I brought it up to him he would acknowledge my feelings, but we never resolved how things could be fixed. It finally came to the point where I had a few drinks one night and called him while he was with his friends hysterically crying and screaming at him telling him that he doesn’t devote any time to me. We talked face-to-face and I told him that from the night I called him upset, I realized that I lost myself and got too wrapped up in wanting to be with him all the time. That I needed to make changes such as going out with my friends, going back to doing yoga, and spending time with my family. After I told him this he brought up other things that I do that just added up where it caused tension in the relationship and made things different like me storming out of the bars because I would get aggravated with something or becoming jealous about seeing his friend who has a girlfriend dancing with another girl. He also said “I’m not sure if you have insecurity issues or what.” After he said his part, he then left it off with “I don’t think this relationship is going to work.” This really hurt my feelings because him and I had such a strong relationship at one point, and this was our first big argument. I’m the type of person who is willing to compromise with someone and give someone a second chance. He told me he would think about things and a week later he ended things with me on the phone. That really hurt me as well, and I found it weak that he ended it on the phone. However, I told him that I accept his decision and then he said “I’m not saying this is the last goodbye, and I’m not telling you to wait on me either.” What does that mean? He lost me there whenever he told me that. Then he went on by saying “I think you’re an amazing, great person, and I know that you can change. I’m just not emotionally ready to be in a relationship when I can’t give my 100%.”

From the way he ended things? Do you think there’s a possibility he will come around in the future?

Him and I had a lot of great memories that I will cherish, and I love him no matter what. He will always have a place in my heart.

Mark

Yes, the chance is definitely there. One major factor that will determine whether you will get your ex back is how much you are willing to work on yourself. If he can see the changes in you and he can see that the relationship will be different and better, he is more likely to consider getting back together with you.

Serene

My ex broke up with me because he said he couldn’t see a future with me. He was very adamant that it would not work out between us, but was unclear about why. We had a great relationship. I think he even worried that we were too in love- that it was infatuation. It has been 3 weeks of no contact and I still miss him and want to be with him. This time has been good for my self-reflection. I can see how I was difficult and high-maintenance at times- which is probably why he didn’t want to commit long term. Do I need to let this go? We were so compatible, and he was the most patient and kind boyfriend. Everyone told him I was out of his league, but then in the end he left me. I’m having trouble letting this go.

Mark

Take some time to do this exercise. This will give you more clarity on whether the relationship is worth saving. Once you realize that the relationship is worth saving, have the courage to go after what you want. Your situation is definitely not impossible.

Laura

Mark my ex has blocked me and wants nothing to do with me. Will that still change? Will I get him back?

Mark

Do you roughly know the reasons why he blocked you?

Anyway, nothing is cast in stone. In other words, the situation can change over time. Just because he is blocking you now doesn’t mean he is going to block you forever. So try not to worry too much and think on the bright side.

I know it seems hopeless to you now. However, I know there are people with hopeless situation who eventually managed to turn things around. My suggestion to you is to work with what you have so that you can give yourself the best chance of success.

You have totally no control over what your ex does but you definitely have control over yourself. You can do the things I suggested in this article to increase your chances of getting him back.

Hi Marrk, I started dating this guy 9 months ago everything was fine and good he was all over me, but all of the sudden he disappeared for 4 months because his mum died, he said it’s the way he griefs. I respected this and took him back. He then told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that his going to be traveling with work and he can’t commit. I told him we can make it work but he wasn’t sure. He kept saying that I’m not someone to have sex with and leave because he sees me as a future wife but his not ready now. Few days after he disappeared again for 2 weeks and came back again saying his trying not to get closer to me because his all over me and he loves me but he can’t be in love with me. We Kept talking on the phone for few days, we then had an argument and I end it. After 3 weeks he came back asking if we can try again. I did take him back then few days after he disappeared again. Few days after he contacted me saying we need to meet and talk. So we met And that was the fourth time we meet, he couldn’t not touch me we ended up having sex and that was it. He was so upset saying he should’ve controlled himself more as I am a person he would want to have a long term relationship not to just have sex with. He got annoyed and told me that should never happen again. Since that day I never heard of him almost 2 weeks now. I am so confused I can’t get why he keeps going and coming back. At the same time I feel so cheap and worthless and I don’t know what to do if he comes back again. He disappeared for3 times and I took him back he probably thinks I will always do and that’s why his is not bothered but I really want him to appreciate me more. I love him but at the same time I can’t disrespect myself. What should I do if he comes back this time?

Hi Mark,

I understand these articles address break-ups, can they apply to a case of an extended period of space with no defined limit?

I’ve not seen or heard from my boyfriend of two years for the last 4 weeks. The last time we talked was through text. He mused that he felt he hadn’t much to say to me lately, or to anyone else and that he might be better off alone. I asked for clarity, if he was questioning the need for a relationship in general, or a relationship with me in particular. He ended the conversation saying that he cares a lot about me and have a good weekend. I scrambled to ask whether “care” meant the same as “love” but it went unanswered, as was a text I sent a week ago to ask how he was doing, take more time if he needs to, and that he still has my love and support. It’s been hard for me hanging in the balance, on one hand committing to him and yet feeling like he’s already gone on the other.

A little context (maybe you can shed some light on what he might be thinking or going through):

He finished his economics PhD 7 months ago, but often feels it was a mistake to take time off work to study something “useless”, could have been working and making more money instead. He was offered a great-paying job in his PhD discipline shortly after successfully completing the thesis defence but ended up hating the job so intensely that he resigned after a week. At the same time he got diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. He’s currently still on anti-depressants albeit on a much reduced dosage, and he’s mostly staying home surfing the net, YouTubing, playing computer games, or going out for the occasional basketball workout with his guys. A year back (also a year into our relationship) he was diagnosed with chronic non-bacterial prostatitis, affecting physical intimacy. The depression just made our communication and emotional intimacy nosedive, I wasn’t sure what he was thinking or feeling anymore. I wanted to help somehow but he kept me at arm’s length sometimes and made me ever more anxious and worried about him.

Thinking I could give encouragement, I would tell him once in a while how proud I am of him, how strong he is for dealing with these unforeseen setbacks, how keenly intelligent he is, and a good man inside. Looking back, I must have ended up (s)mothering him somehow or become less attractive to him in some way due to my anxiety over his health and my pessimism / low energy over my own personal and career woes (I have a fulltime job that mostly frustrated rather than motivated me).

So in reading your articles, I do recognise I have some work in terms of building myself up again. I lost my sense of self and passion in the last year when it seemed my professional and personal lives were both going badly. I suppose my boyfriend may no longer see me as the person he fell in love with back then. Heck I’m not sure if I can love the current version of me!

So in a nutshell (and I apologize for the rambling because I’m still a bit confused as to what to do next), since we’ve already been apart for a month (NC because I wanted to show that I can honour his need for space and except for the one time i sent a text), should I treat this as a break up and follow the advice in this site? Or do I still behave as if I’m waiting for him to reach out, if so, would your advice be any different than what is on this site?

Thank you for advice, I’ve felt so alone in this situation, never had had to contend with the notion of ‘space’ before, especially one as open-ended as this.

Mark

Some articles will still be relevant to your situation. For example, the skills I mentioned in this article is universal. After all, it is always helpful to be more aware, have better communication skills, have more empathy regardless of the type of relationship problems.

I will suggest that you don’t treat this as a breakup. I know it is very hard for you not to worry about it but try not to imagine the worst. The situation may not be as bad as you think.

Based on what you mentioned so far, it seems that his withdrawal has got nothing to do with you. So try not to take it too personally, or think that he no longer loves you anymore.

Also, understand that men and women handle stress very differently. When women are stressed, they want to talk about it. But when men are stressed, they tend to withdraw into their “cave”.

From what you mentioned, it seems like he needs a lot more than one month to resolve his issues. Since he doesn’t want to reply your message for now, just leave him alone for the time being and let him come to you when he is ready.

Florence

Hi Mark,

I and my ex have been dating for a few months. By then I found when he was still hurting and seemed to rush everything. I kindly asked him to first be friends before falling in love but he insisted on being in love. Shortly after we broke up simply I refused to continue going to his home. Reason being that the brother of his ex wife had come back into the house. I felt I wasn’t comfortable with that. As time went by we would communicate but he would act funny. So I asked him if we would give ourselves space because we were not both trusting each other. He tried to do everything but at times he would avoid me when I requested him to meet. Until I gave him that no contact space. Funny enough he would send messages using the computer and not his phone and when you ask him if he sent anything he would deny.

He wasn’t a bad guy the only problem was that he had not healed yet and had very high expectations. He is so loving and not good at caring maybe because he was going through a lot including the financial area as well. He has a sick mother and so I decided to give him the space he really wanted. He never ever picks my phones yet he says he still wants the relationship. You really wonder what to do.

I talk to his friend a number of times and he told me that he said he can not let me go because I am a blessing in his life. Now why does he act like that? What did I do that he does not want to talk to me or even see me. I failed to understand all this.

Ioana

Hi Mark,
My boyfriend and I are together for almost 1 year. It was such a fulfilling relationship, we were getting along so good, he said that he wants to marry me and have children with me, he said that I was the women he was waiting for all his life, the woman of his dream, ” the one”. We traveled the world together, we stood by me when I was having some personal troubles, and he helped me a lot. He did everything to make me happy, show up in time, made me presents, every decision he took he talked first with me saying that my opinion is important. Even the house he is building he took advice from me for the decorating and he did it as I liked.Needless to say we shared everything from secrets, to problems, happy moments, disappointments and passions. We cooked together, we had so much fun together, we even became the godparents of his baby niece. We went to weddings together and talked about how we would like our wedding to be like. In the last month there where some fighting for different matters or opinions, mostly started by me but we quickly got back together telling us how much we valuate and appreciate each other. but still I felt there was a lack of connection lately and I started to feel that he is not as present as before although he was still attentive to me therefore I started to act needy and unreasonable with him and maybe he felt he is not making me happy. Then all of a sudden he started to become colder and after we have been together to a wedding and to my parents house he stopped calling so often then on a fight on the phone while I was trying to find out what is wrong with him he said he wants a break because he is not sure if he is ready to spend his life with the same person and he needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life. After one week I received a call from him because he was pissed I tried to talk to a friend of his and with his brother about what happened to him. He told me that he only wants a break and to stop talking to others about our problems because they don t need to know. It’s been another week and still haven’t heard from him… and I want him back, I miss him and I truly believe that he is the love of my life and my soulmate. What should I think about this break and how should I act to gain him back to avoid him pulling even further away for good. Should I try to contact him ( he didn’t mention anything about when the break is over), might this be a break-up?, should I let things let this? I would like to apologize for the way I behaved lately but would that do any difference?PLease help me because I feel I am sinking and I know we could get over this and be happily ever after. Thank you so much

Do you need to tell the other person about no contact?
I have a problem. Me and my boyfriend broke up (his decision) 1,5 weeks ago on monday ( we had a huge, toxic fight on a Thursday before, we’ve been together over 2,5 years), I met him twice since then and the last time was this Monday. We talked honestly about everything – he doesn’t want to be with me or anyone. He doesn’t want a relationship and he wants to focus on himself. We want to keep in touch and be friends (unless I decide differently if its be too hard for me). The problem is that for now I want to work on myself and find what I want to do now and what makes me happy. I want to do all of the things you mentioned in the article (about healing and getting better etc.) and I don’t think I see the point in messaging him or seeing him BUT since monday when I saw him last he messaged me yesterday asking about the day and i replied and we messaged for a while and also he messaged me today how am I. I don’t know if it means something (doubtfully) or he just wants to know how I am and what’s up with me. So now I don’t know if i should ask him for space or just don’t keep in touch unless he messages me. I don’t know what to do because even though I want to do things right for myself and heal I am still hoping td he will eventually realise that he is missing me and wants me back. I can or ask for space and time for myself and hope that he will then notice that he misses me because he will have a chance to think that as I’ll be away from him or just reply to his messages if he contacts and keep in touch but then what if I can’t heal and if he will always have me so he won’t have an opportunity to really miss me and realise what he wants. I am not sure what to do at this point

Mark

If keeping in touch with him is making you feel worse and affecting your healing, just let him know. Tell him that you will get in touch with him again in the future once you are feeling better but for now, you just need some time for yourself.

We ended our relationship on good terms even though it was emotional after. Anyway as I said before a week after – when I saw him this monday he said that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone and wants to be alone. I know he still loves me as we even spoke about it, even though he knows it would be easier to stop loving because it’s esier to move on then. After talking about us we spent nicely time eating pizza and enjoying our company and we were meant to plan seeing each other at some point when we talk some other day. Since then I didn’t see the purpose of messaging him so I didn’t but on Tuesday and Wednesday he did and spoke a bit.
We had a happy relationship and I think we really fit together but we used to argue about nothing and in bigger fights we were horrible to each other, like one of the sides couldn’t let it go so we went on arguing. But overall everyone always thought we’re great together and he was always saying me how muc he loves me and we were even meant to move in together in few weeks. Anyway our huge fight was too much for him and he could’t get it out of his head and he could’t get the thought of breaking up out of his head so he decided to end our relationship. I also think that as he’s 25 he wants to use some life and after the fight and break up he is thinking negatively about relationships and wants to be free and have fun for now.
Do you think there’s a chance for us still in the future? I know he obviously misses me or think about because we’re used to being together all the time and talk a lot etc. He is also messaging me every day so…

Rita

Hi Mark,
Your post is very helpful. Thank you. But I need your advice on my situation please. I met this guy online about a month ago and we chatted for about 2 weeks non-stop. We had a lot in common and shared quite a few details about our lives. Because of one misunderstanding, he told me I broke his trust and he is no longer interested in continuing this further. I know we had a connection and liked each other. I know this was a very short time when we chatted, but it felt right and positive. I was hurt and devastated when it was over. I started no contact on my own, just to heal myself. I don’t feel that crying, desperate needy self anymore that i felt when he broke off. But i do miss the talks and the connection with him.
I have written him a letter that i have not yet send. It is a detailed letter where I ask for forgiveness and take responsibility for my actions.
Or should I initiate contact with a text?
I am not sure how to reach out to him, so that he gives me at least one chance to hear me out and forgive me.

Please advice, what to do

Thank you

Mark

What was that misunderstanding? Is it really that serious? Without knowing exactly what it is, it is hard for me to give you any suggestion.

With that said, I will suggest that you don’t over invest in a relationship too early. The fact is, you haven’t even met him face to face, am I right to say that? So how do you know he is what he says he is?

Lindsay

Hi Mark,
I really want my boyfriend back but he has a really gross habit. What do I do? Everything else about him is perfect. I really don’t want to let him go forever but I don’t think I can live with someone who does this habit. We broke up because of his obsession. Please help me, I can’t be with someone who eats their own poop.

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