5 Stages Of Getting Your Ex Back

I have been thinking of writing about the different stages of getting an ex back for a long time. But somehow I just  procrastinated on it. That was when I saw a series of videos made by Clay Andrews about the same topic.

In fact, he explained it a lot clearer than I intended to. So I decided to embed the videos here.


Why Is This Important To Know?

Well, here is an analogy. Basically, you don’t try to climb Mount Everest if you can’t even climb a few levels of steps without panting. You need to improve your fitness one stage at a time.

The principle of saving a relationship is the same.

At stage 1, your ex boyfriend is still very resistant to you. Trying to apologize to him or talk about the breakup (something you should only do at the later stages) is just going to make him more resistant towards you.

When you are aware of all these stages of breaking up, you will know how to handle your situation better. You won’t try to jump into stage 5 immediately, which doesn’t work.


Phase 1: Reactance


Phase 2: Test Drive


Phase 3: Riding The Dragon

I just want to add on to what Clay Andrews has just said about Riding The Dragon, since this is probably the most frustrating phase of getting your ex back.

Usually, when a lot of women just broke up, they will go online to search for information on how to get their ex back.

Unfortunately, many of them are quite unlucky. They ended up on websites that teach manipulation tactics and mind games. Obviously, if they use those tactics on their ex, it will just push their ex further away.

That is not their fault. After all, 90% of get your ex back websites are teaching mind games. So it is really hard to avoid them in the first place.

Some women are luckier. They ended up on my website. Just by using the free tips I share on my blog and by taking my advice to be patient and take things slowly, they are usually able to move from Phase 1 to Phase 3.


Phase 3 – Riding The Dragon Is Where Most Women Will Get Stuck

Unfortunately, most women are not able to move from Phase 3 to Phase 4.



Because They Didn’t Know About Riding The Dragon

If you don’t know about Riding The Dragon, it is easy to screw up.

At this phase, your ex will be giving you a lot of mixed signals, sometimes hot, sometimes cold.

Do you know why he is hot and cold towards you?


Your Ex Boyfriend Is Scared And Confused

Because he is scared and confused.

Yes, that’s right. He is SCARED and CONFUSED!

You probably didn’t expect me to say this. You probably think that you are the only one who is scared and confused since you are obviously the one who is trying to get him back, not the other way round.

While you are trying so hard to get your ex back, you have unknowingly placed your ex boyfriend on a pedestal. You have forgotten that your ex boyfriend is a human being, just like you. He has his own emotions to deal with too.

He is scared because he is afraid of being hurt again. He is afraid to get back together with you only to find out that the relationship dynamics is still the same. That will just lead to another break up. And when that happen, he will get hurt again.

Yes, that’s right. You are not the only one who will get hurt from the break up. He will also be hurt.

In fact, he is also scared of hurting you again. He is also scared of feeling guilty.

And why is he confused? Because on one hand, he feels so good to be with you. On the other hand, he is so scared. That’s why he is so confused.

Can you see the emotional turmoil that he is going through?

A lot of times, I have women sending me emails, telling me their boyfriend cried when breaking up with them. They just can’t understand why their boyfriend proceeded with the breakup when they are feeling so upset about it.

Well, now you know the reason. Because your ex boyfriend is going through an emotional turmoil. That is why he cried.


What Happen When You Don’t Know About Riding The Dragon

Well, here is a typical scenario. Basically, things are going well all the way from Phase 1 to Phase 3. You are feeling so happy. You are seeing hope. You think you are very close to getting him back.

Then suddenly he started showing mixed signals. One moment, he says he loves you. Another moment, he says he is not sure whether both of you should be together. Or maybe he post some weird messages on Facebook about how good it feels to be free.

Because you didn’t know about Riding The Dragon, you started reacting. Instead of being calm and cool about it, you panic and you pushed too hard. You have a fight with him. (Remember, he is still confused. So don’t over react.)

When you do that, you will move backwards. You will move from Phase 3 back into Phase 2 or even Phase 1.

That is why it is so important to practise the advance relational skills taught here. If you have been seriously practising advance relational skills for at least 30 days, you will have the emotional strength to handle the dragon.


What Should You Do If You Have Already Screwed Up?

Maybe you have already screwed up because you didn’t know Riding The Dragon earlier. Well, don’t panic.

Yes, you have to start from Phase 1 or Phase 2 again. But at least you now know about Riding The Dragon. So the next time round, you are less likely to make the same mistakes.

Don’t worry if he tells you that he is no longer in love with you anymore. He is just being emotional. You need to differentiate between Content vs Context as described in the video below.


Content vs Context

Hopefully, after watching the video above, you can calm down. As mentioned above, you don’t need to worry too much about what your ex says.  He is just being emotional when he says that to you.

As long as you practised the advance relational skills, you will be able to move from Phase 1 to Phase 3 again. If you need a little bit more help to guide you through this difficult phase, you can get all the help you need here.


Phase 4: Crisis


Phase 5: New Beginnings

After watching these 5 videos, can you tell which phase you are at?

Are you still stuck at phase 1?

Are you confident of going through each of the 5 phases by yourself?

Click Here If You Need Help To
Move From Phase 1 To Phase 5

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 6 comments

hello..the link with the advance relation skills ian t working


    I checked. It is working. Try again?


If your ex asked for “time and space” on the first phase, how long should I wait before conctat him? it’s been over a month and he hasn’t contact me at all. Should I respect his request and wait another month, or is it too much?


    2 things.

    First, you need to check in with yourself. Are you emotionally ready to contact him?

    Let’s define emotionally ready.

    A lot of people mistakenly think that as long as they are feeling great, that means they are emotionally ready to contact their ex.

    That is not true. The true test comes when you are facing your ex.


    If you send him a message and keep checking your phone for his reply like every 5 minutes or even every hour, then it means you are not emotionally ready.

    If he says no to you or reject you in any manner and you take it personally or your simply react on autopilot, begging and pleading etc, then it means you are not emotionally ready.

    In other words, are you able bring awareness and acceptance when you are interacting with your ex? Are you able to contact him and be emotionally ok with any outcome? Are you able to respond instead of react?

    If your answer is yes, then you can start to contact him. Which brings us to the second point.

    Second, you need to look at the context when your ex asked for “time and space”.

    I am not sure whether your ex told you about the exact time and space he needs. Let just say that he told you he needs 60 days of no contact.

    So does it mean you really have to wait 60 days before you can contact him? Well, I will say not necessary. Why, because of the context. Maybe at the time he made that request, he was feeling very hurt and was in an emotional turmoil.

    At that point, whatever decision he made was based on the emotions he was experiencing then. But you need to understand that emotions changes all the time. Most probably, by day 30, he is already feeling much better.

    So if by day 30, you are also emotionally ready, you can start contacting him.

    You test the water first.

    Just send him a friendly, non threatening message that is of interest to him and doesn’t really require any sort of response from him.

    For example, let say your ex is a diehard fan of X Men and it just so happen that there is a new X Men movie showing. So you can send him a message like, “Hey, hope you are doing well. I just watched the X Men movie and it was great. I am sure you will like it too!” Generally, you want to send him a message that shows that you know him. I am sure you know what his hobbies are and he likes. So you can just go ahead and craft your own text message. Make it short and sweet.

    If he does reply you, then it means it is ok for you to contact him. If he doesn’t, then maybe he really wants more time and space.


It’s been 2 months since my ex and I broke up. I decided to call him and he has my number blocked. Should I just give up?


    Don’t give up too early. Try other methods to contact him such as emails. Since he blocked you, he probably didn’t know you called him.


Leave a Reply: