Perhaps everything has been going well in your relationship, or so you thought. Then out of the blue, your ex drops a bomb on you and tell you he wants to break up.
You just can’t figure out why.
After all, you don’t remember having any big argument recently. For some of you, maybe your ex was even talking about marriage just a few weeks ago.
You were caught unaware and totally blindsided.
Like most people, you probably begged and pleaded a little bit, hoping that he will come back. You also questioned your ex but received an answer you somehow knew was not true or at least not the entire truth.
Breakups Don’t Happen Out of the Blue
First, it is important to recognize that breakups are unlikely to happen suddenly.
I know it may seem that way to you but definitely not for your ex.
Most probably, your ex has been ruminating about it for at least a few weeks to a few months before announcing it to you.
Why is that so?
Because a breakup is a tough decision. It takes courage.
On one hand, there are things that your ex really treasure in the relationship. On the other hand, your ex is becoming increasingly dissatisfied.
That is why your ex wanted to take the time to carefully reconsider his decision. He doesn’t want to make a decision he will regret.
Once he has decided to breakup, he still need to figure out how to break the news to you.
For some men, this process alone can take a few weeks. Why is that so?
Well, let me go through their thought process with you.
“Hmmm… how can I break up with her without hurting her?”
“What reason should I use to break up with her?”
And you know what? I won’t be surprised if your ex decided to go online and research how to break up with you.
After some research, your ex finally concluded that no matter how he does it, regardless of what reason he uses, you are still going to be hurt.
He finally realized that he has to do it anyway. So he decided to break the news the next time he meet up with you.
However, on that fateful day, somehow he just couldn’t bring himself to say it.
Well, there are many possible reasons.
Maybe the date went well on that day and caused him to question his decision. Maybe he wanted to have more time to consider. Maybe he just didn’t have the courage to say it.
This can go back and forth for a few weeks.
All the while, you were oblivious to what was happening in his mind.
Then suddenly, he realized that in 2 weeks time, it will be your birthday. Or maybe it is a special occasion such as Valentines Day, Christmas or your anniversary.
He decided that it is not a good idea to break up with you during any of these special days.
Once again, another few weeks are gone before he finally drops the bombshell on you.
Now, obviously not every guy will go through the same thought process.
I am simply talking about the worst case scenario where the guy really dilly-dally before breaking up with you.
Some guys will breakup with you regardless of the occasion.
Some guys won’t even have the courage to break up with you face to face. They will just do it over the phone, text message, a letter or Facebook.
However, I believe that most guys will go through some of the processes mentioned above before breaking up with you.
The reason I am telling you all these is to illustrate to you that a breakup is a well thought out process. It is seldom as “out of the blue” as you think.
And that leads to another point.
Why Your Ex Won’t Tell You The Truth
As I explained above, a breakup is really tough and your ex wanted the relationship to end as smoothly as possible.
Most importantly, he wanted to minimize the hurt to you.
That is why your ex will try to use the easiest excuse to break up with you such as:
It’s not you, it’s me.
In fact, your ex will probably compliment you and say things like “you are the best thing that ever happened to me”.
What your ex is trying to do is to protect your feelings.
Why Your Ex Is So Sweet To You Even Though He Has Already Decided to Break Up With You
One reason why many women are so shocked is because their ex was so sweet to them just a few weeks or even a few days before the breakup.
Maybe they were even talking about marriage, buying a house and starting a family.
Maybe they just came back from vacation and had a really great time.
So why all of a sudden, their ex wanted to end the relationship?
Well, there are 3 possible reasons I can think of. In fact, it can be a combination of any of these 3 reasons.
Your Ex Doesn’t Want to Rock The Boat
Your ex is still in the decision making phase. Until he is absolutely sure about his decision, he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
Your Ex Wants To Alleviate His Guilt
Perhaps you have treated your ex really well, maybe even much better than he treated you. He finds you a really wonderful person.
That is why he feels guilty. In order to alleviate his guilt, he tries to treat you as well as he can before breaking up with you.
Your Ex Is Trying To Save The Relationship
As I mentioned above, a breakup is a really tough decision. If possible, he doesn’t even want to make a decision.
By going to a vacation with you, or talking about marriage, or doing romantic things together, he was hoping that he can convince himself to stay in the relationship.
At last, doing all these things doesn’t really get to the root of the problem because he is just doing it alone.
You weren’t even aware of what he was thinking, so it never occurred to you that something needs to change in order to save the relationship.
Eventually, he still decided to go ahead with the breakup.
What You Should Do Next
Chances are, you probably want to find out the real reason so that you can at least get closure.
However, I suggest that you just let go of it.
Closure is nothing more than a myth. The only person who can give you closure is yourself.
If you are truly ready to let go, you don’t need someone else to give you closure. If you need someone to give you closure, it means you are not ready to let go.
But Shouldn’t I Learn From My Mistakes?
Yes, if you can learn from your mistakes, that will be great. However, I don’t think the best way to do so is to ask your ex boyfriend.
Let me illustrate by asking you a simple question.
What do you want in life?
Chances are, 9 out of 10 people are going to be stumped by this question.
Alright, maybe the question is a bit too broad. Let’s be more specific.
What do you really want in your relationship?
Once again, I won’t be surprised if many people can’t answer the question.
The fact is, many people can clearly tell you what they don’t want but they have difficulties telling you exactly what they want.
When it comes to affairs of the heart, people are even more confused.
Earlier, I mentioned some reasons why your ex won’t tell you the truth. Perhaps I should add one more reason here.
It is because your ex is confused.
There is no way you can get a good answer out of a confused ex.
Your Ex Is Someone Who Doesn’t Speak His Mind
Somehow, I noticed this trend in the comments and emails I received. It may not be true all the time but whenever I received a “sudden breakup” situation, it is usually accompanied by an ex boyfriend who doesn’t speak his mind.
That is why I will see comment such as:
We seldom argue throughout our relationship but my boyfriend just broke up with me for no reason.
So if your ex boyfriend happens to be someone who tend to bottle up his feelings, what do you think is your chances of getting the real answer from him?
That is why I don’t encourage you to try and force the answer out from your ex. It will just create more tension and chances are you are still not going to get answers that are helpful.
Self Reflection Is The Way to Go
Most probably, you are not as clueless as you think.
If you are willing to spend a bit of time on self reflection and be honest with yourself, you will definitely be able figure out something you can improve on.
So I think it is unnecessary to learn your mistakes from your ex before you can improve yourself.
If you still insist on getting the answer from your ex, I suggest that you do it 2 years later.
Why 2 years later?
Because by then, both of you should be in a better place emotionally and he is more likely to tell you the truth.
But I believe when the time comes, you won’t be as interested in the answer because you have already moved on.
Which proves the point.
You are the only one who can give yourself closure.
The Ultimate Reason Why Your Ex Broke Up With You
If you want to get your ex back, this is something you have to know.
Yes, there can be many reasons for breaking up. Whether they are “real” or “crap” reasons, they are nothing more than surface level reasons.
The ultimate reason for any breakup is the loss of emotional connection.
If the emotional connection is strong enough, a couple will choose to stay together no matter what difficulties they are facing.
That is why if you want to save your relationship, it is totally pointless for you to find out why from your ex boyfriend.
Whatever reasons he can give you is only surface level. Even if you know the real answer, as long as you can’t connect with him emotionally, you are unlikely to get back together.
Therefore, if you want to get your ex back, you need to focus on the emotional connection.
Doing those things will not equip you with the necessary skills to connect with your ex on a deeper emotional level.
If you are interested to find out what these skills are, you can read this article:
Why Is My Opinion So Different From Other Relationship Experts?
I wouldn’t be surprised if you have read other articles of the same topic.
Most of them are telling you that if your ex dumped you out of the blue, he is probably a commitment phobe or he is emotionally immature. Therefore you should move on.
If I was writing about this topic 3 years ago, I would probably have sang the same tune.
But due to life experiences and what I have seen over these 3 years, it has broaden my perspective.
I now believe that even “impossible” situations can be turned possible. Of course, I am not saying that all relationships can be saved or are worth saving. But I do believe that most are.
So before you give up on your relationship because other websites are telling you to do so, I want to encourage you to at least give it your best shot first before giving up.
Even if you don’t succeed, at least you can pat yourself on the back because you have already tried your best. You can move on without any regrets.
Want to drastically increase your chances of getting your ex back? Then sign up for my newsletter below. I will be sharing with you critical information you are unlikely to find yourself even if you spend the next 100 hours researching on the Internet.
I know this is probably not the first article you read about this topic. I have seen many websites telling you not to have sex with your ex boyfriend.
I agree that it is usually not a good idea. So why write another article that say exactly the same thing?
Well, for 3 reasons.
1. They Didn’t Consider That You Are Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
First, it is not like I am going to write exactly the same thing. I noticed many websites covering this topic never really consider that you may be trying to get your ex boyfriend back. So I decided to cover this topic in more details.
2. I Often Received Questions From Women Who Are Still Sleeping With Their Ex Boyfriend and Are Feeling Hurt
Second, I often receive emails from women who are doing so and are getting emotional about it. I want to let them know that it is not a good idea to continue having sex with their ex boyfriend.
I understand that some women are sleeping with their ex out of fear. They are afraid that rejecting their ex will push them away forever.
Another common reason why women do so is out of hope. They are hoping that it will draw their ex boyfriend closer.
If you are facing the same situation, I hope this article will give you the courage to stop sleeping with him.
With that said, let’s talk about the 4 reasons why you should not have sex with your ex.
1. It Is The Best Filter In The World
Not all men are like that. But there are certainly men who are just using their ex girlfriend to satisfy their desire. The moment they know they can’t get a booty call, you will not see them again.
Just by not having sex with your ex, you can straightaway filter out a man who is just using you. If that is not the best filter in the world, I don’t know what is.
I can’t emphasize enough how important that is. You see, running a website like this means I will often receive emails from women (and sometimes men) asking me about my advice and opinion about their situation.
I lost count of how many times I see the same situation again and again.
Maybe this scenario might look familiar to you.
Basically, every time you see your ex boyfriend, you feel so good and so close to him. He was always the one initiating contact. And of course, you are making love with him.
He is acting like your boyfriend, except that he is still your ex boyfriend. When he is not around, you just feel insecure, not knowing where you actually stand in the relationship. You just want to be fully back together with him again.
Then one day, you decided to have a serious conversation with him. He tells you that he just want to be friends with benefits. He is just using you and stringing you along.
This kind of situation can be avoided if you don’t sleep with your ex in the first place. It is about protecting your heart and your feelings.
2. Men and Women View Sex Differently
I believe most of you will agree with me on this but some of you may think that I am just stereotyping. Oh no, not again. Not the same “men and women are different” bs.
Well, let’s put it this way. Not all stereotypes are created equal. Obviously, some stereotypes have no basis at all. But when it comes to how men and women view sex differently, I find it largely true.
So I am not stereotyping for the sake of stereotyping or just because everyone is saying the same thing. I am doing so because it is practical and useful in this situation.
I believe that most women do expect commitment from the man she sleeps with. That is why I often see women who are trying to get their ex boyfriend back say something like, “I have been sleeping with him. Therefore, I have the rights to know where I stand in the relationship.”
Unfortunately, men in general don’t view sex as commitment.
So if you are sleeping with him and expecting him to come back or move the relationship forward, you are going to feel cheated and disappointed.
Here Are Some Guidelines For You:
a. If you know you will become emotional and attached to him after the act, don’t do it.
b. If you are making love with him because you think that will make him want more of you and get back together with you, don’t do it.
It just doesn’t work that way as far as men are concerned. Yes, he may want you more. But he just wants more sex. He is still not going to get back together with you.
3. It Clouds Your Emotions and His
When emotions are high, logic is low. If you don’t know how to manage your emotions and think rationally, it is impossible to get your ex back.
Breaking up is already a highly emotional event. So there is really no need to add sex into the equation, which is going to create even more emotions.
Sometimes, people do get back together after sex because it just feels so good. Basically, their judgement have been clouded by the emotions generated by a night of passion.
Once the euphoria is over, they realize that they are getting back together for the wrong reason. The initial causes of the breakup are still there. So they break up again.
If you want to get your ex boyfriend back and more importantly, you want the relationship to last, you want him to take you back for the right reason. You want him to take you back when he is thinking clearly.
Otherwise, you may find yourself in an on again, off again relationship. One moment, you are back together. The next moment, you are broken up again. This is really bad for the health of your relationship.
Why is that so?
Well, in general, it is harder to save a relationship when you have broken up more than once.
Usually, people are hesitant to get back together with their ex even when the feelings are still there because they don’t want to get back into the same relationship that wasn’t working in the first place.
In other words, your ex boyfriend will only consider getting back together with you if he is convinced that this time round, it will be different and better.
If this is not the first time you have broken up with him, it is going to take more effort to convince him. After all, once bitten, twice shy.
Therefore, if you have a choice, try to avoid sleeping with your ex so that you will not fall into an on again, off again relationship.
4. It Spoils Your Chances For Getting Your Ex Back
Simply put, having sex with your ex is going to spoil your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back, based on all the reasons given above.
From a practical standpoint, why make your job more difficult than it needs to be? Getting an ex boyfriend back is already not easy. So don’t shoot yourself in the foot by sleeping with him. Don’t offer or accept to be friends with benefits.
I Understand That It Is Not Easy To Reject Your Ex Boyfriend
There are many reasons mentioned by other websites about why a woman will have sex with her ex such as “it is convenient”, “to satisfy an urge” and more.
For the purpose of this article, I am not really concerned about most of those reasons because they are easier to overcome. I am more concerned about these 2 – fear and hope.
I know sometimes, it can be easier said than done. Most probably, a part of you feel uneasy with the idea of sleeping with him. Yet, you still go ahead because of fear or hope.
If that describes you, I hope the next 2 sections of this article will help you out.
How To Overcome Fear
Perhaps fear is the main reason why you are still sleeping with him even though your heart is telling you that it is not a good idea.
Maybe you are afraid that:
i.He is going to leave you forever if you say no.
ii. It is going to reduce your chances of getting him back.
Well, there is no need to be afraid. Let’s address the 2 reasons one by one.
i. He is going to leave you forever.
Well, if your ex boyfriend decided to leave you forever because he can’t have a booty call with you, then he is probably not that into you. He is probably not a quality man in the first place.
Maybe it is even time for you to consider whether he is the right man for you.
As mentioned in the beginning of this article, this is the best filter in the world. If he isn’t a quality man, don’t be afraid to let him leave.
ii. It is going to reduce your chances of getting him back.
If this is what you are worried about, you may want to read the whole article again. As mentioned above, sleeping with your ex is going to reduce your chances of getting him back, not the other way round.
In other words, you are actually going to have a better chance to get back together if you stop sleeping with him. So it is actually the opposite of what you fear.
How To Deal With Hope
If you are sleeping with him because you are hoping that sex will draw him closer to you, then I am going to ask you to read the whole article again, especially the part on how men and women view sex differently and the part about on again, off again relationship.
Continuing to sleep with him is unlikely going to bring you hope. It is more likely to break your heart and bring you more disappointment.
Is There An Exception?
As you can see, a large part of my article is based around not having sex with your ex. That is because I believe most women will feel emotional about it.
Put it this way. There are definitely people who manage to get back together permanently despite having sex.
So yes, there is definitely an exception. If you can have sex with your ex without being emotional about it, without expecting a certain outcome and it doesn’t conflict with your moral or religious beliefs (in other words, you won’t feel guilty about it) and you know your ex is not the type of person who will use you, then you can certainly sleep with him.
My only concern is this. Some women may overestimate themselves, thinking that they will not feel emotional about it.
Or maybe I shouldn’t use the word “overestimate”. Maybe a better word to use is “impatient”. Basically, you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and you see no progress.
Therefore, you may start to think that sleeping with him will speed things up and hopefully draw him closer. But after the act, you end up becoming emotional about it.
There is no right or wrong answer here. It all boils down to how honest you are with yourself.
If you really think you can do it without any expectation and this is really what you want and you know your ex boyfriend is not using you, then go ahead.
But for most women, I will recommend that they avoid the bed.
Sleeping with your ex boyfriend is unlikely going to help you get him back. You will stand a much better chance if you apply the information I share in my newsletter. So sign up for my newsletter below now.
Perhaps you have a really hard time deciding whether to get back together with your ex boyfriend.
Well, here is my opinion of whether you should get back together with him.
1. Is There Any Violence or Physical Abuse?
I believe most, if not all relationship experts will agree with this. If your ex boyfriend is physically abusing you in anyway, it is really time to leave the relationship for the sake of your own safety. A man’s responsibility should be to protect you, not to do the opposite.
2. Do You Trust Him?
Do you always have a hard time believing in what he says? Do you always feel like you have to check his cell phone or login to his Facebook account?
Of course, it is important to differentiate between whether it is due to your own insecurity or he is simply not a trustworthy person.
If it is due to your own insecurity, then you really have to work on it. However, if he just happens to be the guy you find you can’t trust, then you really have to consider whether it is even a good idea to take him back.
A relationship without trust is going to crumble anytime. It is a lot of easier to get into a relationship with someone you can trust.
3. Are You Compatible?
A lot of times, you shouldn’t get back together with a man not because he is a bad person, but simply because both of you are not compatible.
For example, maybe he is a pilot. Due to the nature of his job, he has to travel a lot, which means you are not going to see him as often as you like to.
Perhaps that is the reason for breaking up. So there is really no point getting back together unless you have decided that this is something you can accept, as long as he does make an effort to spend time with you whenever he is not working.
However, it is important to understand that a lot of the so called incompatibility issues can be resolved simply by better communication. So before you dismiss a relationship because of incompatibility, maybe you should upgrade your communication skills instead.
4. Are There Any Deal Breakers
If there is even one deal breaker, then it is probably not a good idea to get back together.
For example, if you want to get married and have kids and he doesn’t and has already told you so, then it is time for you to move on. Don’t try to hang on to this relationship, hoping that he will eventually change his mind.
Maybe he will but most likely, he won’t.
5. Have You Tried Your Best At Least Once?
If you have none of the problems mentioned above and you really think this relationship is worth saving, then you have to ask yourself whether you have tried your best to get him back at least once.
If you never even try even though you really feel there is a potential in this relationship, then you will keep on wondering “what if”. There might be a sense of regret and you will find it harder to let go and move on.
On the other hand, if you have tried at least once and he doesn’t want to get back together with you, then at least you know it is time to let go. You know that you have given it a shot and tried your best. So you can finally let go without any regrets.
Of course, trying your best means taking an educated approach. Trying to get your ex back without the proper knowledge and making all kinds of mistakes and pushing your ex away is not called trying your best.
So make sure you get a proper education on how to get your ex back.
This is a rough one.
How to Get Him Back
You cannot always get him back after he dumps you. Sometimes, the breakup is best for both of you and your best bet is to do what you can to move on.
Okay, we’ve got the worst-case scenario out of the way. Now, let’s examine what to do in any situation except that one.
Ignore Him—at first
I just want to make it clear.
I am not telling you to flat out ignore your ex boyfriend or play mind games with him.
I am just telling you to ignore his behavior and what he says.
For example, if he tells you that he hates you and doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore, just take it with a grain a salt.
Why is that so? Well, you have to consider his emotional state when he is saying that. Most probably, he is still angry with you, that is why he is saying that to spite you. But you know what? Emotions are constantly changing.
Today, he may be angry with you. Tomorrow, he see a photo both of you took together and suddenly, he is no longer angry with you anymore. So his words, “I hate you and doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore” is no longer valid.
Also, don’t worry about his behavior. Don’t worry if he ignores you or go no contact on you.
Most guys go into No Contact mode when they break up with their girlfriends. It’s an ancient defense mechanism for guys who are unsure how to deal with certain emotions. Remember, guys don’t get to have emotions, most of the time: they’re either expected to be sexual robots primarily concerned with their WSWPH (Women Slept With Per Hour), or some kind of real-life version of Rambo. Neither of these has much room in it for being sad, or even conflicted, about a breakup.
His friends are not going to be any help in this department. They are going to believe that if he broke up with you, he had good reason—whether he did or not. They are also going to believe that if he decides that maybe he was wrong, it’s their job to talk him out of his “weak” moment (see how any conflicted emotions get quashed?) and back into his normal guy self. His “normal guy self,” at this point, includes lots of partying, outings with his buddies, hitting on as many women as possible, and lots of status updates about how super-fantastic everything is, and he is.
This is like twisting the knife in the wound for most women. The last thing in the world you want to see is your man leave you in a fiery, explosive breakup (where you both probably said a lot of nasty things you didn’t really mean), and then get right back up the next day and have everything in his life be awesome. But have faith—things are, as usual, not what they seem.
The more time he spends publicly announcing that things are great for him (and telling himself over and over that he feels awesome), the more he’s probably conflicted about the breakup. Guys all the time go out and sleep with as many women as they can, because they think that’s what they’d do if they were truly over you. They’re trying to convince themselves, and they’re probably trying to convince you, a little bit, too.
So you have to ride out this storm. It’s the roughest part of the whole game, but it’s also the most important. Calling him 57 times a day is the most surefire way to get rid of him forever.
There are two reasons for this:
The first is that those 57 calls, whatever the voicemail messages might say, send one message loud and clear: desperate.
That’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but it’s fundamentally important. And we have to take this brutal honesty thing one step further, here: would you really want to be with someone desperate? It’s not a very attractive quality. And, as we’ll explore in-depth below, you need to be as attractive as possible right now.
The second reason is that all those calls let your ex know that you are right there, a safe bet if he ever decides that he was wrong.
If, on the other hand, you are able to control yourself, calm down and reflect on what needs to be changed, you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.
Working On Yourself Is The Best Thing You Can Do
Have faith that it’s the best way to make him want you back. Pamper yourself. Go out with your girlfriends, get your nails done—go and do those ‘you’ things that have nothing to do with your ex, but that you truly enjoy. Spend a few weeks just focusing on being the best and most attractive person you can possibly be. Do what makes you feel good about yourself.
Of course, don’t just focus on those external things. What is even more important is the internal transformation as mentioned in this article.
Don’t keep on checking his Facebook profile. Don’t worry too much about whether he is going to come back or whether he is going to fall in love with another woman. Those are things out of your control anyway. Worrying about those things will not help you to bring him back.
Also, don’t worry too much about using Facebook to get your ex back. Don’t waste time updating your Facebook profile, hoping that this will help you get him back. You can have the best photos in your profile and maybe that will motivate him to get back together with you.
Unfortunately, the result is probably going to be short lived. After some time, once he realized that you are still the same old person and the relationship dynamics is still the same, the reasons for the breakup are still there, he is going to leave you again.
That is what we often call the on again, off again relationship. I am pretty sure that’s not the kind of relationship you are looking for. You are going to see much better results when you put in the effort to transform yourself inside out so that you can become a better person and create a different relationship dynamics with your ex.
After a While, Try Talking
But only a little! This is the second hard part. Once things have calmed down, and both you and he have had a chance to ride out that crazy emotional storm, you can try a quick hello. The best thing to do is just drop a line—“hey, it’s been a while. How are things going?” is normally enough. But personalize it for your own conversation style; remember, you already seduced this guy once. Just being you—that best version of you—is the best possible course of action for attracting him back.
Getting a guy back after he dumps you is an art, not a science. You’ll have to make a lot of decisions for yourself. But that’s a good thing: guys don’t fall in love with formulas. They fall in love with girls. And the girls that men find most attractive are the ones that look and feel their best, whether the guy likes them or not. You may feel absolutely terrible, not only about what’s happened, but also about yourself. Getting dumped can make you feel pretty ugly and unattractive, but you know enough now to know better. If he didn’t find you attractive, he would not have started dating you in the first place. If the way he felt about you changed, it was because something in the relationship changed.
So go out there and be your absolute best self. Take the time to make you feel good about you: no formula you’re going to find on the Internet will be better than that for bringing your ex running.
And of course, remember to sign up for my newsletter below! I have a lot of good relationship saving information to share with you inside!
Well, it depends on what you want.
From my experience, most women who are asking this question still want their boyfriend back.
So this article will be focused on that.
This Is Not For Everyone!
Let’s face it. It is not easy to be friends with an ex.
This is a very painful situation to be in, especially if you still want him back.
Only those with a certain level of emotional strength and maturity can pull this off. You should only proceed if you know you can handle the emotional turmoil inside of you and you are absolutely sure that he is the one for you.
You must also accept the fact that even if you do everything right and tried your best, he may not want to come back.
Do you think you can handle that?
What If It Is Too Hard For You?
If you are still extremely emotional, forcing yourself to stay friends with your ex will probably do more harm than good.
If that is the case, it may be better for you to cut off contact for a while and allow yourself to heal from the breakup first.
In most cases, you don’t have to worry too much about rejecting the friendship. I am assuming that your ex boyfriend is a relatively reasonable and understanding guy.
If you just honestly tell him that you need a bit of time to heal from the breakup and can’t be friends with him for the time being, he should be able to understand.
It is not like if you say you can’t be friends with him, then you can’t contact him in one to two months time. So you don’t have to worry.
In fact, you don’t even have to say “can’t be friends with him”. Just say you need some space and he will understand.
However, once you are in control of your emotions and are ready to get in touch with him, you will have to accept the friendship if that is what he wants for the time being.
If you really want to get your boyfriend back, accepting the friendship will give you a chance to show him
that you have really changed and the relationship is going to be better.
Of course, proving to him that you are different is going to take time. You can’t just go up to your ex and tell him that you’ve changed or you are willing to change. I am pretty sure some of you have tried doing so without any success.
That is because action speaks louder than words. Your words don’t mean anything to him. He needs to see with his own eyes that you have really changed before he will even consider taking you back.
Anything That Is Worth Achieving Is Usually Not Easy
No pain no gain! I hope you don’t see it as I am trying to torture you.
I am just trying to be realistic here. Yes, not accepting the friendship is the easier thing to do. But very often, it doesn’t help you get back together with your ex boyfriend.
We shall look at an example here.
Let say your ex breaks up with you because of cultural differences, how is no contact going to help you get him back?
Do you think he is going to change his mind suddenly just because you stop contacting him? He may miss you a little bit here and there but that doesn’t mean he wants you back.
Put it this way. There are successful cross cultural marriages in the world. If he tells you he doesn’t want to marry you because of cultural differences, it simply means he is not crazy enough about you to want to even consider cross cultural marriage.
But if for some reasons, you just feel that he is the one for you, staying friends with him might be your only hope to make him fall deeply in love with you again, such that cultural differences is no longer an issue.
How To Get Your Ex Back If He Wants To Be Friends
When your ex just wants to be friends, it is not necessary a bad thing. The fact that your boyfriend still wants to be friends means he still wants you in his life.
If you play your cards right, it is possible to make him fall in love with you again. After all, he has loved you in the past. Therefore, he can love you again in the future.
The key to doing so is to get rid of the negative emotions between the two of you so that the love can flow again. In order to do that, you should accept the friendship.
Respect Your Ex’s Boundary
It is important to remember that you are just friends now. Therefore, it is important to respect the boundary of your ex.
Don’t expect him to meet up with you or contact you as often as when you were still together. If he does, good for you. If he doesn’t, be okay with that. That is why acceptance is important like what I mentioned in this article.
It is normal if he doesn’t want to meet you as often in the beginning. As long as you are able to make the best out of every meeting and improve your emotional connection with him, eventually he will want to meet you more often. Until then, be patient.
Important! Don’t Panic
I just want to mention this because I have received the same question so many times. Most probably, you will encounter the same situation too. So I thought it is a good idea to address the question here.
After being friends with your ex for a while and you are slowly starting to see progress, you will find your ex starting to take the initiative to contact you. Of course, when that happens, many women are very happy and full of hope.
Then suddenly, your ex stop contacting you. Many women will start to panic and lose hope when this happens.
“Oh no, what happen? I didn’t do anything wrong? I wasn’t needy or anything. Why did he stop calling?”
Hey ladies, I am here to tell you, “Don’t Worry!”
This is very normal. You have to remember this. You are not the only one who has emotions. Don’t forget that your ex is a human being too.
As much as you are anxious, he is probably as anxious as you. Maybe a part of him wants to get back together with you. Another part of him is not so sure because he is afraid to get back into the same old relationship.
That is why he is confused and anxious. Therefore, he stopped contacting you.
In fact, if you encounter this situation, you are probably in Stage 3 of getting your ex back. You can sign up for my newsletter below if you want to learn more about the various stages of getting your ex back.
You will receive this information on Day 11 of my newsletter. When you have a solid understanding of the various stages of getting your ex back, you will know what to do and what not to do during each stage. This will help you avoid a lot of unnecessary mistakes.
You Probably Did Nothing Wrong
Don’t automatically assume that you have done something wrong. Most probably, it has got to do with your ex’s emotional state, which you have no control over.
But you do have control over your own emotional state. So stay calm and don’t panic.
Of course, there is also the possibility that he just happen to be busy. That is why he stop contacting you for a while.
Remember, he is no longer your boyfriend at this moment. So he has no obligation to tell you what he is busy with.
Anyway, the main point I want to drive across to you is that your ex may suddenly stop contacting you for any number of reasons.
If there is one ability you need to cultivate in order to increase your chances of getting your ex back, it is the ability to look at things as they are without attaching your own meaning to them.
Don’t just let your negative thoughts take over and assume that you have done something wrong. Don’t just jump to conclusion.
Why It Is Important To Learn To Look At Things As They Are
First, let me explain what is looking at things as they are.
When your ex didn’t contact you, it simply means your ex didn’t contact you.
That is called looking at the situation as it is.
When you start to worry that you have done something wrong, that’s called attaching your own meaning to the situation.
Obviously, when you operate from that frame of mind, you are going to panic.
When you panic, you will not know what to do.
On the other hand, when you learn to look at the situation as it is, you can be more calm and relaxed.
When you are calm and relaxed, you can entertain more possibilities and thus come up with a better solution.
Instead of letting fear control you, now you are operating out of empathy and curiosity.
For example, when you are afraid that you have done something wrong, you are totally stuck. You don’t even dare to contact him if he doesn’t contact you again. Obviously, that is not going to help you get your ex back.
On the other hand, when you learn to look at the situation as it is, you are not hold back by fear or some arbitrary rules.
Say he contact you on Day 1 to Day 4 but didn’t do so on Day 5 to Day 7. Which rule say you can’t contact him on Day 8?
Maybe you can send a simple text message like, “Hey, I just watch Avengers. It’s a great movie. I believed you will like it too.” Then maybe he will reply you, both of you will start talking again and you will realize that your fear is unfounded.
Keep Your Emotions In Check
How well you manage your emotions during this period is going to determine your chances of getting your ex back.
I know this may sound a little bit counter intuitive to you but it is the truth. The more you can treat your ex like a friend, the more likely you are going to get him back.
In other words, you need to place his needs above yours. Respect his wish to be friends and put your desire to get him back on hold.
In a way, you can consider this as a form of true love. If you truly love and care about a person, you will not insist on getting back together when he isn’t emotionally ready to make the decision yet.
If every time you contact your ex boyfriend, your main focus is about how to get him back, without caring about how he really feels, he will be able to sense it and start resisting you.
Now, I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it is easy. Not everyone can do it. You really need to have a certain level of emotional maturity. More importantly, you need to truly care about the well being of your ex.
When you are able to do so, your ex will definitely appreciate it. Your friendship with your ex will deepen and there is a good chance that he will fall in love with you again.
Don’t Fall Into The Friend Zone
Yes, I mentioned above that the more you treat your ex boyfriend like a friend, the more likely you can win him back. However, that doesn’t mean you should let yourself fall into the friend zone.
For example, if you are simply meeting your ex for dinner every single time, then your relationship is unlikely to progress. Remember, you want to gradually make him fall in love with you again. Therefore, once both of you are comfortable with each other again, you might want to invite him for other activities such as hiking, having a roller coaster ride or even volunteer work at another country.
Sports or any activities that make you sweat provide great opportunities for you to rekindle the love with your ex. For example, when your ex is sweating, you can wipe the sweat off him, which is what couples often do. And don’t be afraid to flirt with him if the situation is right.
The keyword here is “gradually”. Obviously, you don’t try to plan an overseas trip for the first meeting after the breakup. You don’t try to flirt too much initially. You have an advantage here. You know your ex best if you have been dating him for at least a few months. You know what he enjoys doing. Therefore, you will know what activities to plan.
Learn To Have Fun and Enjoy Your Time With Your Ex
Being friends with your ex doesn’t always have to be a miserable experience, unless you decided to look at it that way.
It can be very fun and enjoyable as long as you are not too attached to the outcome of getting back together.
As much as you want to get your ex back, the more attached you are to the outcome, the less likely you are to be in the present moment. You will lose a lot of opportunities to connect with your ex on a deep emotional level which means you are less likely to get your ex back.
On the other hand, when you are not so attached to the outcome, you can be more present in your interaction with your ex because you are more relaxed.
Look at it this way. You are now dating your ex again. You are now getting to know your ex all over again. Maybe you will discover something new about your ex that you didn’t know in the past.
Shouldn’t that be an exciting and fun experience? When you can view being friends with your ex with this mindset, your ex will be influenced by you as well.
They are more likely to consider getting back together with you if they associate being together with you as “fun” and “exciting”.
You also have the chance to break old habits that caused your breakup in the first place and replace them with new, healthy habits.
This will ensure that you get back together on a solid foundation.
Know What You Are Getting Yourself Into
As much as possible, I try to be positive and encouraging because I understand how important hope is.
Without hope, people won’t even bother to try and get their ex back even if it is possible in the first place. Sometimes, all of us do need a little bit of encouragement.
That is why I always like to tell people that it is possible to get an ex back, which is true.
There are couples who do get back together in the most unlikely situation and become more loving than ever after resolving their differences.
There are also people who got their ex back even though their ex just want to be friends.
That is why if you are trying to get your ex back, you will do better if you approach it with an optimistic attitude.
It is also important to understand that it takes time.
It can take at least a few months to turn your ex from friends to lovers. I am not saying that everyone will take a few months. Some may do it faster while others will take longer.
But it is a good idea to be prepared so that you will not give up in the first few weeks.
I realized that a lot of people tend to give up too soon if they started with the wrong expectation, thinking that it will be easy.
Therefore, I would rather let you know what to expect so that you can be more patient and persistent.
When It Is Time To Move On
While it is good to be persistent, you should also know when to cut your losses.
Put it this way, if after one year, you are not seeing a progress in the relationship, it is probably time for you to move on.
Do take note. I am not telling you to try for one year. Ultimately, you are the one who decide how long you want to try. You will have to look at your own situation to decide.
I would say give it at least a few months. Of course, there are always exception. For example, if your ex makes it very clear to you that it is impossible between the two of you repeatedly, then it is a sign for you to move on.
The keyword here is “repeatedly”. Don’t just give up because he says it once or twice. You need to look at the situation.
Maybe the break up was really nasty and he is still very hurt. That is why he is very resistant to the idea of getting back together with you, at least for the time being.
Or maybe you haven’t really changed for the better and he noticed it. He hasn’t got the chance to see a better and improved version of you yet because you are still the same old you. That is why he is not considering taking you back anytime soon.
If that is the case, you should definitely start working on yourself. Start practising the skills I mentioned in this article today. The sooner you start, the sooner your ex boyfriend can see the changes in you and consider a relationship with you again.
Don’t Be Friends With Benefits
This is worth mentioning.
It is one thing to be friends with your ex but it is an entirely different matter when it comes to friends with benefits.
Being friends with benefits is not going to help you get your ex back and may even make the situation worse. So just don’t do it!
In fact, I have written an article about why it is not a good idea to sleep with your ex here.
And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter below. I am going to share with you my best information on how to get your ex back there.
If you want to successfully turn your ex boyfriend from friend to boyfriend again, you will definitely need the information that I am going to share with you in my newsletter.
If you’ve recently been dumped, or in some other unfortunate way found yourself suddenly without your man, your mind is probably full of scary questions. “Does he still love me? Can I still get him back?” You can spend all day on his Facebook page and be no closer to an answer.
Worse yet, you may think you’ve found clues that he definitely doesn’t still like you — it may seem as if he’s completely moved on, in fact, and left you far behind. Based on what he’s doing and how he’s acting, it can really seem like he’s found a hundred and one things more interesting than you.
This, of course, makes that breakup a thousand times harder. The pain you feel — the almost physical effects of emotional pain that seem to completely overwhelm you only gets worse when it seems like he’s just not experiencing any.
But does your ex-boyfriend really want you back? Determining the answer to this question is not possible to 100% accuracy, since even he probably doesn’t completely know, especially not at first. The signs that he might still be interested often read backwards: whatever it may seem like the answer is, it may very well be the exact opposite. Here’s a few ideas to get you started on the process.
Anger: The First Sign
Most people think that hate is the opposite of love, and if you’re talking about a kindergartener learning opposites, then sure, you might be right. But when it comes to relationships, hate is definitely not the opposite of love. In fact, they’re a lot closer than you might think. On the other hand, you may have been through emotional storms before, and know how quickly hate and love can transmute into one another, and how easily.
So what, then, you might be asking, is the opposite of love? And what does this all have to do with me?
The opposite of love is apathy.
Think about it: if you really love someone, and they betray you deeply, you probably go straight to the other end of the spectrum and hate them, at least for a little while. If things go well, you may very well switch back to love again. But you don’t slide on a scale, loving them less and less until you don’t care about them, and then disliking them more and more until you hate them.
You switch instantly from one to the other. If asked, in that moment, why you hated that person so much, you’d answer “because I loved him so much, and he… [insert betrayal].” Because I loved him so much. That’s the key. It’s almost as if there are two components to any emotion: intensity, and type. It’s much easier to switch types of emotions than it is to switch intensities.
Going from love to apathy is actually a lot harder, and a lot rarer than switching from love to hate. And it’s a lot harder to go back from apathy to love. If he’s truly over you, he doesn’t hate you. He’s apathetic.
Now, what does this have to do with you? Well, it means that if he went from deeply loving you to acting like he hates you, that means that he has switched the category of emotion, not the intensity. And it also means that it’s much easier to switch back to the one you want him to feel: love.
So, if you find that your ex-boyfriend is extremely angry with you, and especially if you broke up while he was angry, he’s probably got some serious emotional baggage, some voices in his head telling him that leaving you was a really bad idea. They’re probably describing to him in great detail (as he goes about his day) how it felt to have you in his arms. How safe it was. How awesome it was.
Which brings us to Sign #2.
The No Contact Rule: The Second Sign
This is a hard one for many women to understand, and it can seem manipulative or conniving at first glance. But, in all likelihood, it is not. What’s going on here is that, since he’s broken up with you, and it’s probably going to be public knowledge at some point, his masculine training from early childhood says that he should be picking up and moving on, like a “real man” would. Now, this has nothing to do with the reality of how he’s feeling about the whole thing, but it’s important because it affects the way he’s going to seem to you right now.
Expect lots of Facebook updates and statuses about how super-fantastic everything in his life right now. You might see pictures of him with other women, or just with his buddies, having just a fantastic time. It can really seem like he never even knew you existed, but he’s trying to cover up—from you perhaps as much as himself—how he’s really feeling. There is still a part of him that wants to come back, most likely, but he’s not about to show that face to the world. Not right now, while he’s supposedly moving on from that relationship that he ended.
Partying Hard: The Third Sign
The third sign is related to the second, but it is slightly different, also. If it seems like he’s spending an awful lot of time partying, drinking, and maybe—it’s hard to hear, but be brave—flirting or sleeping with other women, that can be another sign that he’s trying hard to get over you, or at least to quell that part of him that’s telling him that he made a mistake ending things.
This is classic guy behavior, and it can be a big tell-tale that the façade of things being great that he’s desperately trying to keep up is not the whole story.
Stay on the lookout for these signs, as they are often the biggest signs that your boyfriend does want you back. Of course, every case is different, but this will give you at least a place to start.
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