Perhaps you have read my previous article about how to show your ex that you have changed.
But here’s the problem.
What if you don’t even have the chance to meet your ex?
At least that’s a question one of my readers asked me recently.
I believe many people are struggling with this issue as well. So I decided to write this article to answer this question.
What If Your Ex Doesn’t Want to Meet You
Maybe you are now a much better person but how can you show him your new self when he doesn’t even want to meet you.
Well, it is not unusual for someone to be hesitant about meeting their ex, especially just after a breakup. There can be many reasons for that.
Maybe it has got nothing to do with you. It is just that your ex tends to be avoidant.
Maybe you have indeed done something to push him away out of desperation.
Regardless of the reasons, understand that this is not a permanent situation. In other words, your ex probably won’t refuse to meet you forever.
You just need to know that there are 2 main factors that will lower your ex’s resistance towards you.
The first factor is how you reach out to them and the second factor is time.
How You Reach Out
First, check in with yourself. Have you done anything that increases his resistance towards you?
One very common mistake is sending a super long letter to your ex, expressing all your thoughts and feelings. That can be very overwhelming for your ex, which causes him to avoid you.
If you are absolutely sure you have not done anything that pushes your ex away, then you just have to be patient.
Be patient. If your ex is only willing to engage with you over text, so be it.
Obviously, if your ex seems very cold, always giving you a one or two sentences reply, then it is probably not the right time to ask for a meetup.
However, once your ex started opening up with you over text message over a period of time, you can start planning for it.
Be creative in your approach. Maybe you happen to have a class somewhere near his home. Let him know.
It is better to meet up for a cup of coffee than for dinner because it gives him the impression that it is only a short meeting and it is less threatening.
What If He Doesn’t Even Want To Text Me
The same principle applies here. It is still about time and how you reach out to him.
Be creative in what you sent him. If you need more ideas for text messages, you can get them here.
If you don’t hear back from him, try again in a few weeks. After a few weeks, if he still doesn’t want to reply you, try again. Keep on trying for at least a few times.
As for how many times you should try, that’s up to you. If you truly believe in this relationship, there is nothing wrong with trying more than 10 times. Just make sure you don’t give up after your first attempt. At the very minimum, try at least 3 times.
Most people give up too soon. You don’t want to make the same mistake.
Face to Face Meeting Is Not The Only Way to Show Your Ex That You Have Changed
By the way, just because you can’t meet him face to face doesn’t mean you can’t show him how much you have changed.
If you have truly transformed yourself from the core, it is going to show through your interaction with your ex, even if it is just text messages.
Have really taken the time to upgrade your communication skills?
Do you have the abundance or scarcity mindset?
Are you coming from a place of courage or fear?
Are you responding or reacting to situation?
All these factors will naturally influence the way you write your text messages.
It may be a very subtle change but your ex will noticed it over time.
Are You Sure You Have Changed?
I don’t want to sound like a broken record but I think this is worth mentioning.
If in your mind, you are constantly thinking about how to show your ex that you have changed, then maybe you haven’t really changed as much as you think you have.
The reason why so many people are struggling to connect with their ex on a deeper emotional level is because their minds are all over the places.
They are always thinking of how to impress their ex instead of just being 100% present with their ex.
Here is The Irony
The more you focus on impressing your ex, the more your ex will see you as the same old person. They just can’t feel your presence.
On the other hand, if you just be present with your ex, your ex will noticed how much you have changed because he has never experienced that with you in the past, even when you were still together before the breakup.
This applies for both face to face meeting and text messages.
After all, text messages are not just words. They are often laden with emotions. The only way you can pick up those emotional undertones is to be present. That’s how you can respond accordingly to build emotional connection with your ex.
So even if your ex doesn’t want to meet you, you can still show him your changes through text messages. The key is to stop trying to show him you have changed. Just be present.
I won’t be surprised if you have already read a lot of articles about rebound relationships before you came here.
So what makes this article different from the rest?
Well, because I will be covering this topic from 2 different perspectives.
1. If you want to get your ex back from a rebound relationship, what you are going to learn here can increase your chances of success.
2. If you are the rebound and want to turn the relationship into something real, you should pay attention to what I say in this article too.
And for the men who landed on this page and want to know whether this article is relevant to you, the answer is yes. What I will be covering in this article is relevant to both men and women.
Why 2 Different Perspectives?
The Sun Tzu Art of War says,
Know thy enemy,
Fight Hundred Battles,
Win Hundred Battles.
Now with that said, I don’t think it is appropriate to use the word “enemy”. After all, she is not really fighting a battle of life and death with you.
Perhaps a better word to use is “competitor”. In fact, even “competitor” is not that suitable because you are not really competing with anyone here.
The key to getting your ex back is actually to focus on yourself and the emotional connection between you and your ex. I will explain more about this later.
For the rest of this article, I am simply using the word “competitor” out of convenience because I can’t think of a better word to use right now.
However, I don’t want you to have this aggressive or competitive attitude towards the other woman because it is not conducive to getting your ex back.
Anyway, regardless of which side you are on, by knowing more about yourself and your competitor, you will have an unfair advantage.
Basically, here are the 4 areas you want to know.
1. Your Strength
What you can do to improve your emotional connection with your ex.
2. Your Weakness
What you may unknowingly do to sabotage your own chances. After reading this article, you are less likely to make these mistakes.
3. Your Competitor’s Strength
What advantages your competitor has over you.
Chances are you don’t have to worry too much about it. Most probably, your competitor will not leverage her advantages.
I will tell you later.
4. Your Competitor’s Weakness
What your competitor may do to push your ex away.
You are probably going to see a lot of them. That is why it is so important for you to learn this information so that you can leverage your strength when your competitor show her weaknesses.
By having this information at the back of your fingertips, you are more likely to come up with an effective strategy to help you save your relationship. You will know how to respond according to the situation.
If all these things sound confusing to you so far, don’t worry.
Things will get clearer after you finish reading this article.
In fact, you may want to read this article a few times to let the information sink into your head as I am going to cover quite a lot of stuff here.
What Exactly Is a Rebound Relationship?
A rebound relationship is often defined as a new relationship that started soon after ending a significant relationship, usually for the purpose of distracting oneself from thinking about the old relationship.
At least that is the definition that you get from many relationship websites.
However, I have a slightly different opinion. I do agree that most rebound relationships are started shortly after a breakup but there are always exceptions.
After all, how short is short?
Is the relationship considered a rebound if it is started 3 months after breaking up?
How about 6 months?
What about a year?
These are common questions that I often see.
I think the emphasis here is more on the emotions rather then the time elasped. A new relationship can be started one year after a breakup and still be considered a rebound if the emotions have not been properly dealt with.
In fact, in real life, I know there are people who still can’t let go of their ex even though it has been 10 years or more since the breakup.
So much so that it is interfering with their ability to form a healthy relationship with someone else.
These people may find themselves getting into one new relationship after another but ultimately none of them will work because at the back of their mind, that particular ex is still the best.
As far as I am concern, I consider these relationships as a form of rebound even though they may not necessary be started “shortly” after a breakup.
Of course, I am writing this article based on the assumption that most of you reading this have only broken up with your ex for less than one year.
Therefore, you don’t have to worry too much about the 10 years example. I am simply using that example to illustrate to you that you can’t judge whether a relationship is a rebound simply by using the time factor.
So if you are wondering whether your ex’s new relationship is a rebound, don’t place so much emphasis on the time.
Don’t worry about whether the new relationship is started immediately, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or 1 year after the breakup.
Instead, look at how your ex is dealing with his emotions.
With that said, do take note that it is not always apparent whether your ex is rebounding.
Just because your ex seems happy in his current relationship doesn’t necessary mean it is not a rebound.
But what if the relationship really isn’t a rebound?
Well, it may still be possible to get your ex back if you play your cards right.
So don’t automatically take yourself out of the picture so soon. After all, you won’t know who your ex will choose eventually if you don’t give it your best shot.
How to Tell Whether Your Ex Is Indeed In A Rebound Relationship
One possible sign is that your ex is dating someone who seems to be completely different from you.
Another possible sign is if your ex keeps telling you how great his current relationship is. We shall discuss more about this later.
For now, I want to focus on the third sign, which is the speed of progress of the new relationship.
For example, maybe when you were together with your ex, he only introduces you to his friends and family after 6 months.
But now, it is only 2 weeks into his new relationship and his friends and family have already met the new girl. In fact, he has also met all important people in her life.
And here is a classic one.
Finding out that your ex is engaged.
It is definitely a big blow for you to find out that your ex is getting married so soon after the breakup.
But before you throw in the towel, I am going to tell you that it may be too early for you to give up.
Most probably, the marriage will not come to fruition. In fact, it is highly likely that the rebound relationship is going to end very soon.
Why is that so?
As mentioned above, people usually get into a rebound relationship in order to distract themselves from thinking about the old relationship.
In other words, they are simply suppressing their negative emotions. However, they can only suppress their negative emotions for so long. Eventually, they will have to deal with them.
What is likely to happen is that as the date of marriage draws near, your ex is going to get increasingly disturbed about his decision.
He is going to question himself about why he is even marrying a girl that he hardly knew. In other words, he will start “waking up”.
From this moment onwards, he is going to feel very conflicted.
On one hand, he wants to breakup with that girl. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to be a jerk and dump her when they were already talking about marriage.
Of course, there are other factors such as ego that may be stopping him from breaking up with the rebound.
After all, it can be pretty embarrassing when you have already announced to all your friends and family that you are getting married only to tell them later that the wedding is cancelled.
So don’t be surprised if the breakup happen at the very last minute, like maybe a few weeks or even a few days before the wedding.
This is especially true if your ex happens to be someone who is very indecisive or non confrontational in nature. Usually, people with this type of personality tend to procrastinate and avoid making important decision until the very last minute.
You may be wondering why I am actually telling you all these things.
First, I don’t want you to panic unnecessarily. Knowing all these things in advance will help you deal with the situation better.
Second and more importantly, I want you to know what your ex may potentially be going through. After all, one of the key attributes you need to have if you want to get your ex back is empathy.
If you don’t know how to support him emotionally during this trying period, at least don’t go and add unnecessary drama to his life. Don’t beg him not to get married.
Remember, just because the rebound relationship ended doesn’t necessary mean he will want to get back together with you. If you actually created drama during the trying period, you will sabotage your own chances.
Can A Rebound Relationship Work?
Most rebound relationships don’t work because they are often started for the wrong reasons.
Of course, the keyword here is “most”.
In other words, there are some relationships that may start off as a rebound and eventually work.
You probably know it already. It is just common sense. There will definitely be some rebound relationships that can work.
Let’s be honest here. I believe you don’t really care whether other rebound relationships can work because it is none of your business.
What you are really interested to know is whether your ex’s rebound relationships will work, isn’t it?
Well, there are 2 main factors that will determine the outcome of your ex’s rebound relationship.
The first factor is your competitor.
The second factor is obviously you.
If you happen to have an extremely secure and emotionally matured competitor who knows what she is doing, then she might just be able to make the rebound work.
With that said, I don’t think you have to worry too much about your competitor.
A secure competitor is more of an exception rather than the norm. Most probably, your competitor is going to be very insecure especially if they know your ex is still in contact with you.
Even if you happen to have a strong competitor, it is not like you can do anything about it since you have no control over other people. So you might as well focus on what you have control over, which is you.
The First Step of Getting Your Ex Back From A Rebound Relationship
Whether your ex is dating someone else or not, and whether the new relationship is a rebound, the first step of getting your ex back is still the same.
It has to start from you working on yourself first. This is because if you are still operating out of fear, even if you know what I am going to share with you intellectually, you will still have the tendency to work against your own interest and sabotage yourself.
You may wonder what exactly do I mean by working on yourself. It is so vague, isn’t it?
Well, I have already written a pretty long and detailed article about it. So if you want more information on how exactly to work on yourself, you can read this article: What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back.
What Can Potentially Happen When Your Ex Is In a Rebound Relationship
Now, it is time for you to discover what may happen along the way when you are trying to get your ex back from a rebound relationship.
By knowing them in advance, at least you can be prepared. More importantly, you are less likely to panic or over react and end up making the wrong decision.
Do take note that not every situation described below will happen to you. They are simply possibilities.
In general, the more insecure your competitor is and the more you are able to connect with your ex at a deeper emotional level, the more likely some (not all) of the situations described below are going to happen.
Your Ex May Seem Very Happy In His New Relationship
If you still remember, at the beginning of this article, I told you that it is not always obvious whether your ex is in a rebound relationship,
Maybe your ex seems to be really happy in his new relationship. Maybe you see him posting a lot of happy photos on Facebook.
So you feel really crushed. All kinds of doubts started creeping into your mind.
You started asking:
Does our relationship mean anything to him? Why is he moving on so fast?
Is it even worth trying?
Before you start getting too emotional and entertain all kinds of negative thoughts, I want you to start considering other possibilities.
Maybe he is just pretending to be happy? Maybe it is just the honeymoon phase of the new relationship?
First, let’s talk about the Facebook stuff. How often do you see people posting sad photos of themselves?
Probably not very often. After all, people don’t want to air their dirty linen in public.
And how many people actually take photos when they are sad?
In fact, you have probably heard of stories about people breaking up out of the blue even though a few weeks ago, they have posted many photos on Facebook.
So why take those happy photos so seriously?
Maybe you will ask, “What if he is truly happy in his new relationship?”
Well, I am not going to rule out that possibility. What I am trying to tell you here is not to jump into conclusion and be open to other possibilities.
Don’t just give in to the first negative thought that comes into your mind. Get the facts right first.
To know whether he is truly happy, it may take some time for the truth to unveil.
Eventually, you may start finding out that he is actually quite unhappy. By then, you will be able to confirm that his new relationship is indeed a rebound.
Your Ex May Tell You How Good His Current Relationship Is
Alright, this is even worse, isn’t it?
Instead of you drawing conclusion that he is happy, now you are hearing it from the horse’s mouth.
If he is telling you that he is happy, it must be the truth right?
Once again, before you take what he says too seriously and decided to give up, I want you to consider other possibilities.
Here are some possible reasons why he is telling you so.
1. He Doesn’t Want to Waste Your Time
At this stage, he hasn’t got enough time to see how much you have changed and improved (assuming that you have been putting in serious effort to work on yourself).
Therefore, he doesn’t see himself getting back together with you at this stage. Telling you that he is happy in his new relationship is his way of letting you down gently.
2. He Is Trying to Convince Himself
Maybe it is due to ego or some other reasons, he is trying to convince himself that he has made the right decision to get into the new relationship.
After all, it is human nature not to want to appear stupid in front of other people. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have made a mistake.
3.He Is Trying to Make You Jealous
However, I think the two reasons mentioned above are much more likely.
Besides the three mentioned above, there may be other reasons why he tells you he is happy.
The important lesson for you to take away is that you shouldn’t be so easily discouraged by what he says.
Like I mentioned above, get the facts right first.
By now, you probably have a question. You want to know how to tell whether he is really telling the truth or just lying to you that he is happy. Obviously, you know it is not a good idea to ask him whether he is telling the truth.
Well, a little bit of awareness will help you here. If you have a certain level of awareness, you will probably be able to sense that something is not right, that he is not really as happy as he claims.
That is why I told you earlier that it is extremely important to work on yourself. If you are still hurting and you didn’t take the time to develop your awareness, then what he says will probably crush you emotionally.
A tell tale sign that he is lying to you is that he seems to be trying very hard to convince you about his happiness. After all, a truly happy person don’t need to go around to tell people that he is happy. You can probably see it from the “glow” on his face. Once again, awareness will come in handy here.
Your Ex May Tell You How Bad His Current Relationship Is
At the initial stages, when your ex is still trying to resist you, he may tell you how happy he is in the new relationship.
If you managed to survive the initial stages and not get thrown off by what he says and instead just focus on connecting with him on a deeper emotional level, eventually your ex will stop resisting you.
Instead, he will start to trust you more. He will start to be more vulnerable with you.
So don’t be surprise if he starts telling you how bad his current relationship is.
With that said, I am going to give you a warning.
Don’t over react.
What I noticed is that a lot of people get very edgy when they hear their ex talking about their rebound relationship.
I know it doesn’t feel good for you to hear him talking about his rebound relationship.
However, you need to understand that it is not necessary a bad thing.
It may actually be a good sign.
One reason why so many people fail to get their ex back is because they mistake a good sign for a bad one.
They have this tendency to think negatively. They will start wondering whether their ex is playing mind games on them or trying to lead them on.
What they didn’t realize is that their ex is simply being vulnerable.
So make sure you don’t make the same mistake. The wrong thinking will cause you to do the wrong things and sabotage yourself.
Let say you think your ex is playing mind games on you. How do you think you will react? Maybe you will be sarcastic to him and push him away.
On the other hand, if you can recognize that he is just being vulnerable with you, you will be able to empathize with him. Don’t you think that will help you score more points with your ex?
Can you see the difference?
Can you see how a small change in thinking can give you an entirely different outcome?
How Long Does A Rebound Relationship Last?
As much as you want to know the answer, I have to tell you that this question is quite meaningless.
After all, the best answer I can give you is the standard answer, which is anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.
How helpful is that answer to you? Will knowing that help you get your ex back? Probably not.
So let’s forget about all those impractical stuff.
Instead, I am going to tell you something very useful and practical.
Let say you have managed to survive the initial stage where your ex is resisting you, telling you how good his relationship is.
Let say you managed to survive the next stage where your ex is starting to open up to you, telling you how bad his relationship is.
Now, you are at a stage where your emotional connection with him is very strong.
It almost feels like you are back together, except that you are not really back together. In fact, he is still in the rebound relationship.
And that is where a lot of people may screw up. That is why I need to give you an advance warning so that you won’t make the same mistake if you managed to progress this far.
I have one word for you – patience!
You see, a lot of people screw up because of impatience.
They started to think whether their ex is stringing them along or is trying to have the cake and eat it too.
They started becoming insecure. Therefore, they started putting pressure on their ex to breakup with the rebound or they give their ex an ultimatum.
Don’t do that!
You know there is a Chinese saying, “One wrong chess move and you lose the entire game”.
It means you are already in total control of the situation. However, if you make one wrong move due to carelessness or impatience, it is still possible to lose the entire game.
It perfectly describe your situation.
If you managed to have such a strong emotional connection with your ex, you are already 80% of the way to getting your ex back.
I believe it wasn’t easy for you to get so far. Most people will probably spent at least 4 months or more to reach the 80% mark.
So let me ask you.
Is it worth it to waste 4 months of your effort because of impatience?
You have to learn to put yourself in the shoes of your ex.
Just because you are starting to have a very strong emotional connection with your ex doesn’t mean he is going to breakup with his rebound immediately.
You have to understand that breaking up is not an easy thing to do. I know this may sound strange to you. After all, didn’t your ex already breakup with you (assuming your ex was the one who initiated the breakup)?
Well, most probably, your ex had been thinking of breaking up at least a few weeks or even a few months before actually breaking the news to you.
Therefore, your ex will probably need some time before he breakup with the rebound.
In fact, do you know that your ex may be going through an emotional turmoil?
After all, it is going to be a very hard decision for your ex. As far as your ex is concerned, he broke up with you for a reason.
The last thing he wants is to get back together with you only to find out that he is walking back into the same old relationship. He doesn’t want to break up with you again because it will hurt both of you.
To him, getting back together with you is a risk. Therefore, he needs to be absolutely sure you are the better choice for him before he can make a firm decision to breakup with the rebound.
So what you need to do is not to force him to leave the rebound relationship. Instead, you need to focus on deepening your emotional connection with him and eventually, he will breakup with the rebound.
In fact, don’t be surprised if he started telling you that he is considering breaking up with the rebound. Or if he has difficulty breaking up, he may even tell you the reasons and ask you to give him some time.
You role here is to be understanding, not to put pressure on him.
Your Ex May Cut Off Contact With You
There is no fixed timing on when your ex will stop contacting you. It can happen in the beginning of the rebound relationship or it can happen much later.
With that said, please don’t automatically assume that your ex is in a rebound relationship if they stop contacting you.
I am simply telling you that when your ex is in a rebound relationship, they may cut off contact with you. And it is just a possibility, not a certainty.
The reverse is not necessary true. Just because your ex cut off contact with you doesn’t mean they are dating someone else.
I find it necessary to mention this because after helping people with their breakup for the past few years, I noticed that a lot of people have this tendency to think of the worst case scenario.
This kind of thinking can cause you to do the wrong things and push your ex away. So make sure you don’t assume that your ex is dating someone unless you have real hard evidence.
Next, let’s discuss why your ex may cut off contact with you when they are in a rebound.
Why Your Ex May Cut Off Contact With You In The Beginning of His Rebound Relationship
Because he is serious about his new relationship.
“He is serious!”
“Oh no! Do I still have a chance?”
Before you start panicking, let’s put things into perspective.
You probably don’t have to worry too much about his seriousness.
I believe that your ex is not a jerk.
In other words, he is not out there, actively hunting for victims to get into a rebound relationship with him so that he can heal himself and after achieving his objective, dump them.
He really believes that (or should I say he really wants to believe that) this new relationship is the right one for him. That is why he is serious about her. In order to prove to himself that he is serious, he may decide to cut off contact with you on his own accord.
It may also be the request of your competitor for him to stop contacting you. Therefore, he is just respecting her wish to prove that he is serious about her.
The problem here is that he is not just 100% serious.
Often, what you see in a typical rebound relationship is 200% or even 300% seriousness. Too much of a good thing is not so good after all.
People try to move too fast in a rebound, even to the extent of getting engaged after a few months.
However, as mentioned in the beginning of this article, your ex will eventually start to question what he is doing.
Why is he getting so serious so soon about someone he barely knew.
Why Your Ex May Cut Off Contact With You When Things Are Progressing Well
This can be really frustrating.
Unlike the situation above, your ex is actually open to contact with you.
Maybe in the beginning of the rebound, your competitor has expressed concern about him meeting you.
However, he reassured her that both of you are just friends and there is nothing to worry about.
Therefore, you still have a chance to be in contact with your ex.
If you have been doing things right, you may notice that your ex is starting to open up to you.
Just when everything seems to be going well, suddenly he stop contacting you.
Most probably, it is because your competitor is starting to get very insecure, to the extent that she is creating a lot of drama.
In order to appease her and avoid the drama, your ex decided that the best thing to do is to cut off contact with you.
Maybe your ex will just cut you off directly without telling you why.
But what is more likely to happen, assuming both of you have been interacting well, is that he will tell you why he has to stop contacting you.
The best thing you can do now is to be the graceful woman but try to leave the door open so that it is easier for you to enter the room next time.
For example, you don’t want to say, “Fine, I will respect your wish and not contact you again.”
It makes you look petty and that is certainly not going to help you win your ex’s affection.
A much better response will be “I know you are in a tough situation right now and I don’t want to put you in a spot. I will stop contacting you.”
This is a much better response because it shows that you understand the difficult situation he is in. However, it is still far from perfect because you are sort of closing the door.
The next time you want to contact him, it may be a little weird. After all, didn’t you say you will stop contacting him?
The best response will be something like “I know you are in a tough situation right now and I don’t want to put you in a spot. I will stop contacting you for the time being. However, I really enjoy talking to you and I hope we can get in touch again in the future.”
This helps you keep the door open and your ex will probably agree.
What You Have Learned So Far
So far, you have learned that when you are trying to get your ex back from a rebound relationship, you may face the following situations:
1. Your ex may move the relationship too fast, even to the extent of planning to get married.
2. Your ex may seem very happy in his new relationship.
3. Your ex may tell you how good his new relationship is.
4. Your ex may tell you how bad his new relationship is.
5. Your ex may cut off contact with you or request that you stop contacting him.
These situations are quite common and it is very likely that you will encounter at least one of them. Hopefully, with the information you have learned so far, you are now more prepared to handle them.
With that said, I know you may still have many questions.
In the ideal world, I would love to write an article that can address every single question you have.
However, in the real world, it is simply impossible for me to do so.
For example, I told you what you shouldn’t do if you know your ex is getting married. But I never told you what to do.
So some people may ask me questions like whether they should contact their ex, how often to contact their ex and what they should say.
I didn’t give you an answer here because every situation is different and may require a different approach.
After all, I don’t know your current emotional state.
If you are still very emotional over the breakup, you shouldn’t contact him yet as your emotions may cause you to do something that push him away.
I don’t know your ex’s last impression of you.
If your last few interactions with him were positive, then you can probably contact him more often. Otherwise, it may be better to reduce the frequency until he starts opening up again.
I don’t know how much your ex trust you.
If your ex don’t really trust you yet, you can say things with good intention but your ex may interpret what you say in a different way.
That is why it is impossible for me to tell you what to do for every single situation.
Which is why I encourage you to develop the skills I mentioned in this article.
When you have a good mastery of these skills, you will be able to feel into the situation and know what you need to do. You don’t have to keep on relying on relationship experts to give you the answers.
Strengths and Weaknesses
Remember in the beginning of this article, we talked about the importance of both you and your competitor’s strengths and weaknesses?
Now it’s time for us to go into more details.
Do you know that you actually have a huge advantage over your competitor?
Why is that so?
Because of the decoy effect, which you can leverage to significantly increase your chances of getting your ex back from a rebound relationship.
Since this is a pretty long article, I don’t want to confuse you by introducing you too many new concepts at once. So I decided to share with you more about the decoy effect in my newsletter instead.
If you are really serious about getting your ex back from the rebound and you want to learn more about the decoy effect, you can sign up for my newsletter here. On day 4 of my newsletter, I will be sending you a video that explains the decoy effect in more details.
For now, you just need to know two things.
1. If you know how to leverage the decoy effect, your chances of getting your ex back is around 80%.
2. The best way to leverage the decoy effect is to become the best version of yourself.
I know you may find it hard to believe. Hopefully, after watching the video that I am going to share with you on Day 4 of my newsletter, it will increase your confidence.
Your main weakness is your tendency to over react when you learned that your ex is in a rebound relationship.
That is the reason why I spent a good portion of this article telling you what are the possible situations you may face so that you don’t act out on your ex or throw in the towel too early.
If you have taken the time to read and digest the information I shared with you so far, I am pretty sure it can minimize your weakness.
That is also the reason why I said it is important to heal yourself first before you try to get your ex back, especially when they are in a relationship with someone else.
If you are not properly healed, you won’t have the emotional strength to do the right things.
Another weakness is that you and your ex broke up for a reason. Yes, I know it sounds cliche but that’s true, isn’t it?
Usually, people breakup because they didn’t have the proper relationship skills to handle small problems in a relationship. Eventually, small problems become big problems and eventually lead to a breakup.
That is why it is so important for you to work on yourself and develop new relationship skills so that you know how to fix those problems.
After all, your ex will only consider getting back together with you if they can see that you have changed for the better and they are not going back into the same old relationship.
Your Competitor’s Strengths
Most rebound relationships don’t work but we cannot deny the fact that some will.
So what makes a rebound relationship work?
When you have a strong competitor who knows what she is doing.
She knows your ex has just broken up and haven’t really got over the old relationship.
Therefore, she doesn’t try to push for a commitment. In fact, she encourages him and gives him a lot of space to process his own emotions.
She has excellent communication and listening skills. She knows how to listen without passing any judgement. She knows how to connect with your ex on a deep emotional level.
She is extremely secure about herself and doesn’t get jealous easily. She trust him and isn’t worried about him meeting his ex.
While your ex may want to move the relationship fast, she knows how to control the pace of the relationship and keep it at a healthy level.
When your competitor is equipped with all these skills, she will be able to leverage her main advantage over you, which is close proximity with your ex.
With that said, I told you in the beginning of this article that you don’t have to worry too much.
Because most probably, your competitor will not know how to leverage her advantage.
Why is that so?
Because most people are insecure. They don’t have these relationship skills.
So the chances of you facing such a strong competitor is extremely low.
Let’s face it. Most people won’t even bother to learn new relationship skills unless they have problems in their relationship.
Let’s be honest here. Don’t deny it. If I am not wrong, you probably won’t bother to learn about all these things if you haven’t gone through a breakup. At least, that’s true for most people. Maybe you are the exception, I don’t know.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not talking down to you. After all, I am as guilty as you in this respect. So I am not judging you in anyway.
I am simply stating the fact that most people won’t bother to learn new relationship skills until they hit a crisis in their relationship.
So you probably don’t have to worry about having a strong competitor.
Your Competitor’s Weakness
If you need more reassurance, let me say it again. Most people will not face a strong competitor.
Therefore, you should not worry if you encounter situation such as your ex getting married.
Think about it. If your ex is moving the relationship really fast and your competitor is going along with it, what does this reveal about your competitor?
It shows that your competitor is probably quite inexperienced in relationship and probably quite insecure as well.
That means you will have a good chance to get your ex back if you have a good plan.
Also, if your competitor is creating a lot of drama, forcing your ex to have to stop contacting you, that doesn’t mean you have to give up.
Chances are her insecurity will eventually lead to the breakup of the rebound relationship. Even if your ex really stop contacting you, she will still be suspicious and end up arguing with your ex.
A person can only put up with nonsense for so long. Initially, your ex may try to pacify her. However, if this continues, he is going to breakup with her.
This kind of situation is very common.
Don’t be surprised if your ex contact you a few weeks to a few months later, telling you that he has just broken up with her.
So if you can spot any weaknesses in your competitor, don’t give up so easily if you believe that your relationship is worth saving.
There Is No Mind Games Involved Here
Please take note that I am not advocating any form of mind games here.
I know it may seem that way, especially if you just skim through the entire article without reading it carefully.
After all, I am not asking you to backstab your competitor or do anything unethical.
I am not asking you to exploit your competitor’s weaknesses.
What I am advocating here is “Personal Responsibility”.
I am simply telling you to put in the effort to become the best version of yourself so that you can dramatically increase your chances of getting your ex back.
While you are trying to get your ex back, your competitor may feel insecure and show all kinds of weaknesses.
However, you need to understand that your competitor’s behavior and emotional state is not your responsibility.
I will use an analogy here.
Let say you are in a very competitive work environment. You are extremely talented and hardworking and always give your best while your colleagues are simply lazing around.
This makes some of your colleagues very insecure. Is it your fault that they are insecure?
Not at all. You are simply doing your best. You are not backstabbing or gossiping about them?
What’s wrong with that?
So it is the same for your relationship.
You are simply doing your best to get your ex back and you are doing it in an ethical way, which is to become the best version of yourself so that you can bring more value to your relationship.
What’s wrong with that?
Similarly, if you feel insecure because your ex is dating someone else, that’s not your competitor’s fault.
After all, you should take responsibility for your own emotional state. If you don’t, no one will take responsibility for you.
Of course, eventually, whether your ex chooses you, your competitor or none of you, that is your ex’s responsibility.
Everything I am saying here is all about “Personal Responsibility”.
In fact, if you believe that there is a future between you and your ex, but you don’t take the necessary action to get your ex back because you are afraid of failure or rejection, don’t you think that is very irresponsible of you?
Don’t you think you have let yourself down?
I don’t know whether you agree with me but I thought this is something you may want to think about.
What If You Are The Rebound?
Well, everything I mentioned in this article is relevant to you too.
Most probably, you are facing either one of these 2 situations now.
1. You are still in the relationship but realize that you may be the rebound and you are trying to figure out how to make this relationship work.
2. You have already broken up but you still want him back even though you are the rebound.
Let’s start with the first situation.
1. You are still in the relationship and want to make it work.
So you want to make a rebound relationship work? Then, become the strong competitor I talked about.
I have already mentioned the key attributes you need to have. You can read it again here.
Obviously, don’t sabotage yourself.
Don’t do things like checking his phone, whether secretly or openly.
No one likes to be doubted by their partner.
Don’t create drama just to stop him from seeing his ex. This is even more important if he really has valid reasons to see his ex such as they have kids together, or they are business partners etc.
In other words, don’t be a “small” petty woman. Don’t be insecure.
That is probably one of the biggest reasons why so many rebound relationships don’t work.
Their own insecurity hasten the demise of the relationship.
Instead, be the “bigger” woman. Be more magnanimous. Have more confidence in yourself.
I know it is easier said than done for many people. But really, if you want to make your relationship work, then it is your responsibility to learn how to take charge of your own emotions.
Let’s continue with the second situation.
2. You realize you are the rebound and you have broken up with your ex but you still want to save the relationship.
As mentioned earlier, people do take rebound relationship seriously, except that maybe they are a little bit too serious.
The important point is they have been serious before. So even if you are the rebound, chances are your ex will have some true feelings for you.
At the very least, they find you attractive enough to want to be in a relationship with you.
So it is not totally impossible to get back together.
Obviously, I am also assuming that you have a very good reason to get back together with your ex.
Maybe he is able to connect with you in a way that no other guys could. Maybe you think you have a lot more to offer compared to your competitor.
If you have really taken the time to think through it and really believe that this relationship is worth saving, then by all means go for it.
Don’t worry about whether you are the rebound or not.
Are You Worried That You Only Have A 20% Chance to Get Your Ex Back?
Perhaps you are worried because earlier, I mentioned that due to the decoy effect, your competitor has an 80% of getting her ex back.
In other words, it seems like you have a huge disadvantage.
Well, I don’t think you have to worry too much about that.
Before you think I am contradicting myself, let me explain.
The 80% chance is only valid if she leverages her advantages. In other words, she has to be so serious about saving the relationship that she actually put in a whole lot of effort to work on herself.
Unfortunately (or should I say fortunately for you), most people will not put in the necessary effort to save their relationship.
There are many reasons for that.
Some people allow negative thoughts to control them.
They don’t even believe that it is possible to get their ex back.
It doesn’t matter how much you want to get your ex back. If you don’t even believe that it is possible, you can have the best advice and you will not bother to implement them.
Some people will take shortcut to save their relationship.
Instead of learning new relationship skills so they can save their relationship in a healthy way, they take shortcut instead.
They focus on learning some magic words to say or some weird psychological tactics to manipulate their ex to get back together with them.
Sometimes, these tricks can work but usually, the result is temporary. Before you know it, they breakup again because without the right relationship skills, they will not be able to address the true cause of the breakup.
Some people don’t have the patience and determination to see things to the very end.
Let’s not forget that we are living in a fast food society today. Everyone wants to get their ex back by yesterday.
They may put in the initial effort but give up when the going gets tough or when things don’t happen as quickly as they want.
They don’t understand that getting an ex back is a process, often a slow one, and it can take time for your effort to bear fruits.
Therefore Your Chances Is Higher Than 20%
That is why I said you don’t have to worry too much about the decoy effect.
Don’t forget that your ex broke up with your competitor for a reason. Unless your competitor decided to take the proper approach to save her relationship and learn how to fix the root cause of the breakup, you don’t have to worry too much.
Worrying is not going to help you anyway. You have no control over other people. So you might as well focus on what you can do.
How to Maximize Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Back
To conclude, it doesn’t matter whether you are trying to get your ex back from a rebound or you are the rebound.
If you want to maximize your chances of getting your ex back, you have to focus on becoming the best version of yourself so that you can bring more value to the table.
This makes your ex more likely to choose you over your competitor.
You have to develop new relationship skills, such as the ones I mentioned in this article.
If You Are Not The Rebound…
Don’t be complacent just because I said you have an 80% chance due to the decoy effect.
If you don’t learn the proper approach to get your ex back, the decoy effect won’t work for you and your chances will be much lower than 80%.
You definitely have a huge advantage here.
However, to maximize your advantage, you have to take personal responsibility and do whatever it takes.
If You Are The Rebound…
Don’t be discouraged by the decoy effect.
As mentioned earlier, most people are not willing to put in the effort to leverage it. So your chances is probably much higher than 20%.
So my suggestion for you is the same. Take personal responsibility and do whatever it takes.
Your Biggest Enemy Is You
I have used the word “competitor” many times in this article. Like I told you, I am only using the word out of convenience.
You shouldn’t treat the other person as your competitor.
Because eventually, whether your ex wants to get back together with you depends on whether he can see that the relationship will be better than before the breakup.
So instead of focusing on the other woman, you might as well focus on yourself.
This is because you are your greatest competitor.
In fact, in this case, I think “enemy” is a much better word to use.
You are your biggest enemy when it comes to getting your ex back.
If all you are focusing on are negative thoughts such as,
“Oh no. He is dating someone else. He must have moved on.”
“Am I the rebound? Is this hopeless?”
then you have already failed before you even started.
So if you are truly serious about getting your ex back, start taking personal responsibility for your own thoughts.
This is applicable to everyone. Not just those who are involved in a rebound situation.
Don’t be your biggest enemy.
Be your biggest ally instead!
What If You Are Facing A Strong Competitor?
Recently, I received a question from a lady telling me that she might be facing a strong competitor. So I decided to update the article with this section.
So what should you do if you are in this situation?
First, I want you to consider that maybe your competitor is not as strong as you think.
Second, even if your competitor is really strong, your strategy is still going to be the same. You are still going to work on becoming the best version of yourself. Don’t forget, you still have the advantage of the decoy effect working for you.
Let me use an analogy here.
Have you been watching the Olympic games recently? Do you think there is a weak competitor in the Olympic?
Of course not! Each participant is the best from their country.
Here comes the important question.
Do you think the winners waste time worrying about how strong their competitors are? Maybe they do worry a little, but they are probably not obsessed about it. It is not like they can do anything about their competitors anyway.
Instead, they focus on what they have control over – themselves. They train everyday to get themselves into tip-top condition. During the big day, they just give it their all. That’s how they become winners.
Do you think someone can become a winner if they waste time worrying about their competitors instead of focusing on themselves? Probably not.
The same principle applies to getting your ex back from a rebound relationship.
You are going to have a much higher chance of success if you focus on training yourself.
As I already mentioned in this article, you are either your biggest ally or your biggest enemy, depending on what you decided to focus on.
If you want to learn more about the decoy effect and receive other tips that can help you maximize your chances of getting your ex back, you can sign up for my newsletter below.
From time to time, I will have people asking me how to show their ex that they have changed. So I decided to look through all the questions I have received so far. This is because I believe that the best way to answer your question is to show you a real life example.
Anyway, I managed to find a question by Betty. Let’s analyze the situation together.
Italic: The question
Normal font: My analysis
My ex broke up with me three weeks ago. I know what I did that was wrong… I kept bringing up the past, would accuse him of things, and was insecure… Which I know now is really bad of me to do.
We had talked about this issue about a year ago and I tried to work on it but still ended up doing it. My ex lost his job because of a stupid action on his part and I was kinda mean to him about it.
It is important to understand that real change doesn’t happen overnight.
This is because we are all creatures of habit. Bad habits are hard to change without the proper approach. Your behavior is a habit. Insecurity is also a habit.
It is just like smoking. Many people know smoking is not good for their health. Unfortunately, just knowing is not enough. Having good intention is also not enough.
Just look at how many people who know the harm of smoking and have the best of intention to quit.
But how many of them actually managed to do it?
If you want to quit smoking, you first need to have a big enough why.
For example, I am sure you have come across people who failed to quit smoking for years or even decades until they got diagnosed with heart or lung diseases.
Now, this is a matter of life and death. Finally, there is a big enough why. That’s why these people managed to kick the habit for good even though they have failed for years.
Of course, I am not saying that you have to wait until life or death situation to change your habit.
For example, there are people who managed to quit smoking for good because they want to be the best husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, father/mother etc.
To them, that is a big enough why.
It is also helpful to have a good replacement habit. Every time you feel like smoking, you can consider doing some push up instead. Or you can close your eyes and meditate.
The same principle can be applied to your relationship.
What is currently stopping Betty from having a fulfilling relationship is the bad habit of insecurity. While she knows that she is insecure, just knowing is not enough. She need to have a big enough why.
Perhaps you may ask, “Isn’t the potential of losing her ex a big enough why?”
Well, probably not. Yes, losing her ex may be painful, but somehow not painful enough for her to make the necessary changes. Maybe the comfort of staying insecure is greater than the pain of losing her ex boyfriend, at least in the short term. This is something she may want to think about.
She said. “I tried to work on it but still end up doing it.”
Since she didn’t say exactly how she work on it, I may have to make some assumptions here.
The First Possibility.
As mentioned above, perhaps the comfort of staying insecure is greater than the pain of losing her ex. That is why she is not really doing whatever it takes to overcome her insecurity or maybe she is just doing it half heartedly.
The Second Possibility.
She is using an ineffective approach. That is why it is not working.
Most probably, it is a combination of the 2 reasons above.
So she may want to take some time to really think about a big enough reason to change.
If you are in a similar situation as Betty, you may want to think about the consequences.
What happen if this insecurity stay with you for another twenty years? What kind of impact is it going to have on your life and relationship? Try to imagine it vividly in your mind.
Isn’t that a very big price to pay if you don’t change this bad habit of insecurity?
Obviously, different people have different big enough reason. So this is something you have to figure out for yourself.
Of course, unlike smoking where you can just go cold turkey with a big enough why, you can’t just decide to quit insecurity overnight.
That is why you need to replace insecurity with a much better habit.
First, let’s look at the root of insecurity.
Usually, insecurity is a sign that you are rejecting a part of yourself. In other words, you don’t love yourself enough. You don’t love yourself unconditionally.
That is why you are constantly seeking love and validation from outside sources, such as your partner.
Unfortunately, when you don’t love yourself enough, your ability to love others is limited. Instead of being a loving partner, you will have the tendency to be mean.
As the saying goes, “As Within, So Without”.
Therefore, you want to start replacing the habit of insecurity with the habit of love.
I highly recommend that you start practicing loving kindness meditation. You can follow the instruction in the video below.
If you are wondering why you should practice loving kindness meditation, you may want to read this article:
A few days later we got in an argument cause he was distant and he broke up with me. He was really mean to me when I would try and talk to him, then he would talk to me here and there, then yesterday, three weeks later he deleted me off Facebook and told me he’s closing that chapter of his life and trying to move on and I should do the same.
I have been working on myself and trying to a better person cause I realized completely how horrible I was by doing those things. I asked him to give me a chance to show him and he said no and now won’t talk to me.
When it comes to showing your ex that you are different, you should always remember these 3 words, “Show Don’t Tell”.
Asking your ex for a chance to show him that you have changed is never going to work. After all, action speaks louder than words.
If you have really changed, you don’t need to ask your ex for a chance. Your ex will be able to see the changes in you with his own eyes.
What Betty should do is to go for a period of no contact, for 2 reasons.
First, her ex boyfriend is already resisting her. The more she pushed, the more her ex boyfriend will pull away.
Second, she really need the time to work on herself.
Put it this way. It is pretty obvious that she is still in reaction mode.
She is simply reacting to the situation instead of responding to it. She still has the vibe of desperation inside. Desperation will not inspire your ex to get back together with you.
From the way she write, I can tell that Betty hasn’t really changed and is just reacting out of fear. If she hasn’t really changed, then it is impossible for her to show her ex boyfriend that she has changed.
In fact, if she has this strong need to prove herself in front of her ex, it means she doesn’t love herself enough. She is focusing too much on herself.
When she is focusing so much on herself, she won’t be able to stay in the present moment. When she is not in the present moment, she won’t be able to connect with her ex. When she can’t connect with her ex, her ex will not be inspired to get back together with her.
Therefore, her priority is not to ask her ex for a chance to show that she has changed.
Instead, she need to take a step back and start working on herself. Only when she has truly changed should she start to reach out to her ex again.
Otherwise, she will just be sabotaging herself because every time she tries to reach out to her ex, the interaction won’t feel good. And that will push her ex further and further away.
In two weeks we are both in a wedding together and I don’t know what to do.
I want to show him my change and give me another chance to make him happy. I’m scared his mind is made up and it’s done.
And it’s hard cause he got a job working offshore again and I’m scared he’s just going to stay distant because of it.
Let’s face it. Most people don’t change that fast.
It is very unlikely for Betty to transform herself within 2 weeks, which means she won’t be ready to get her ex back yet.
Therefore, she shouldn’t worry too much about the wedding. If you are in a similar situation as Betty, you just need to be a polite acquaintance with your ex.
Just be friendly and say hi but it is not necessary to engage your ex on an emotional level because you are not ready yet.
Also, if you are in a similar situation where your ex is going to go overseas for a period of time, just let it be.
Don’t try to control the situation. It is not like you can stop your ex from going overseas anyway.
It is not necessary a bad thing after all. Sure, your ex may become distant. But there is also the possibility that your ex will start thinking about you more. Isn’t it?
So why are you choosing to think negatively instead of positively?
And let’s not forget that there are actually things you can do. You can make good use of this period of time to seriously work on yourself.
You have 2 choices here.
You can focus on the negativity and just sit there and do nothing.
And when your ex comes back and decided to contact you, only to realize that you haven’t really change, what do you think is your chances of getting your ex back?
You can focus on the positives and start working on yourself using the proper approach.
For example, if you have always been insecure, you may want to start practicing loving kindness meditation every day.
You can also start working on the skills mentioned in this article:
What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Back
Imagine one day, your ex come back and decided to contact you and see your transformation.
Don’t you think you are going to have a much higher chance to get back together with him?
And who says you have to wait for your ex to contact you? If you have really changed and you are no longer in panic or reaction mode, you can always take the initiative to contact your ex.
To summarize, here are the main points to take away:
1. Real Changes Don’t Happen Overnight
I know you want to show your ex that you have changed as soon as possible. However, it is important not to kid yourself.
Just because you know what went wrong and have the best of intention to change doesn’t automatically mean you have changed. Most probably, you have not.
Why is that so?
Because it is a habitual behavior. You have been acting a particular way for a long period of time. So you can’t just switch it off as and when you want.
Most probably, you are simply suppressing your old behavior. So your change is only on the surface level. It is not a real lasting change.
Therefore, when you are under stress, you will automatically go back to your old behavior, just like what Betty did.
“We had talked about this issue about a year ago and I tried to work on it but still ended up doing it.”
Put in this way.
There are 4 levels of competency. Let say insecurity is your main problem, here is how it looks like.
Level 1. Unconscious Incompetence
You don’t even know you are insecure.
Level 2. Conscious Incompetence
You start to realize that you are insecure.
Level 3. Conscious Competence
You are aware of what triggers your insecurity and you are able to stop the behavior when you are conscious of it.
Level 4. Unconscious Incompetence
You are no longer insecure.
From my observation, most people are only at Level 2: Conscious Incompetence when they are trying to show their ex that they have changed.
Obviously, that is not going to work. You need to have the patience to work on yourself until you reach Level 4 or at least a high Level 3.
By then, you don’t even need to show your ex that you have changed. Your ex will notice it himself.
2. Use an Effective Approach to Work On Yourself
First, make sure you have a big enough why. Take as long as you need to think about it.
Get a piece of paper and draw a line in the middle to get 2 columns.
On the left, write down as many benefits as you can think of for changing yourself.
On the right, write down as many consequences as you can think of for not changing yourself.
Some people are more motivated by the benefits while others are more driven by the consequences. It doesn’t matter. Just stick to whatever works for you.
Once you have got your why, it is time to find a good replacement behavior.
For example, if the breakup was due to you taking your ex for granted, then you may want to start practicing gratitude.
Start showing more appreciation to the people around you. Another exercise you can do is to write down 10 things you are grateful for every morning. It is a fantastic way to start a new day.
Remember, you are trying to cultivate a new habit here. So you need to practice everyday until it becomes second nature.
Only then do you start to reach out to your ex, after you have really changed, not before.
With that said, it is important to be honest with yourself. If you have been working on yourself for a long period of time but you are not seeing any progress, then it is probably time to seek help.
After all, some people do have deeper emotional issues that they cannot resolved by themselves. If that is the case, you may want to look for a therapist.
3. Getting Your Ex Back Is A Process That Cannot Be Rushed
In my opinion, at least 60% of the chances to get your ex back is determined by the amount of effort you put in to improve yourself.
Specifically, you want to focus on real, lasting internal transformation, just like what is being mentioned in this article.
I am not saying that you have to wait till you are perfect before you can start getting your ex back because it is impossible to be perfect in the first place.
However, the changes within you need to be significant enough so that your ex can actually see the difference in you.
Before that, it is pointless to try. If you try to get your ex back when you are still in panic and reaction mode, your ex can sense it and it will push your ex further away. You are only sabotaging yourself and ruining your own chances.
Remember, getting your ex back cannot be rushed.
So if you happen to be facing a situation where you have to meet your ex in 2 to 3 weeks time in a wedding, party or whatever event, don’t worry about that.
Remember this. It is not like this event is the only chance for you to get your ex back. So just relax and don’t treat it like a battlefield.
Your only objective is to attend the event, not to get your ex back. If you happen to see your ex, just be polite and say hi. You don’t have to engage him emotionally or talk about the old relationship when you are not ready yet.
There will always be a chance in the future to engage your ex emotionally when you are ready.
If your ex is going overseas, don’t panic.
Don’t worry about your ex moving on. It is not necessary a bad thing.
Remember, the old relationship is dead. That is the reason why you broke up.
Therefore, you are not trying to get your old relationship back. When your ex has moved on, it is an opportunity for you to start a new and better relationship with him.
Don’t worry if your ex says he no longer wants to be with you.
That’s because he was speaking to the old you. He hasn’t got the chance to experience the new and improved version of you yet.
So if you are really serious about getting your ex back, you know what to do.
Make sure you really take the time to work on yourself. Otherwise, your ex boyfriend will never have the chance to meet the new you.
Related Article: How to Show My Ex I Have Changed If He Doesn’t Want to Meet Me
If you are trying to make your ex boyfriend jealous, you have come to the right place.
At least, I can intercept you before you either do permanent and irreparable damage to your relationship (worst case scenario) or simply wasted your time doing something that will not help you get your ex back.
Seriously, what are you thinking? What are you trying to accomplish?
I am going to make an assumption here. You are either:
1) Trying to take revenge and get back at your ex.
2) Trying to get him back.
A little bit of both.
If You Are Trying To Get Back At Your Ex
I hope I can convince you to just let it go. Just forget about it.
After all, you are not going to accomplish anything meaningful by taking revenge. So why waste your precious time and energy on that?
Think of it this way. If a man makes you feel so much hatred that you have to get back at him, then he is probably a jerk.
If he is really a jerk, then you shouldn’t allow him to take up any more of your time. The best way to get revenge is to be the best woman you can be, lead a meaningful life and be happy so that he will regret dumping you.
Of course, you are really doing it for yourself rather than to make him regret breaking up with you.
I believe you are a bigger woman than that, aren’t you? You can forgive and let go right?
If You Are Trying To Get Your Ex Back
Then it is even more important that you don’t try to use jealousy to get him back.
Well, for several reasons.
1. It Only Works On Men With Low Self Esteem
In general, men who are emotionally mature and secure in themselves do not like to get involved in jealousy or any types of mind games.
Only those with low self esteem are likely to fall for your trick.
So if you are wondering whether jealousy can really help you get your ex back, here is the answer.
Yes, jealousy can work sometimes, especially if your ex boyfriend lacks emotional maturity and has low self esteem.
And that brings us to the next point.
2. It Doesn’t Get To The Root of the Problem
Even if you do manage to get your ex boyfriend back using jealousy, the relationship is probably not going to last.
Before you know it, he is going to leave you again.
Because jealousy doesn’t get to the root of the problem.
Once he get back together with you, he will realize that nothing has changed.
So what is the logical conclusion?
Well, he will want to break up with you again and you end up in an on-again off-again relationship.
3. The Motivation Is Wrong
And let’s not forget that he is getting back together with you for the wrong reason.
When you use jealousy on your ex boyfriend and it “works”, he is simply trying to salvage his fragile ego.
He just can’t stand to lose to another man. Once he won the game (managed to get you back), his fragile ego is satisfied.
As mentioned earlier, jealousy doesn’t get to the root of the problem. Therefore, he no longer has a reason to stay in the relationship.
4. It Can Backfire On You
Perhaps you decided to make your ex boyfriend jealous on Facebook by posting a photo of you with another guy.
Before you go ahead and do that, make sure you are aware of the consequences.
Maybe your ex boyfriend is trying to get back together with you initially. However, when he sees the photo, he thought you have moved on. Therefore, he decided that it’s time for him to move on too.
Or maybe he is really jealous. Hence, he decided to take a photo with another girl and post it on Facebook too. Now, it becomes a tug of war.
Your initial intention is to draw him closer. Instead, you pushed him further away. It backfires on you big time.
5. You May End Up Hurting Another Person
Maybe you decided to date another person or even get into a rebound relationship to make your ex jealous.
This can really hurt an innocent third party. You are not going to do that right?
6. It Is Really Pathetic
I think it is really pathetic if you have to resort to jealousy in order to get your ex back.
Put it this way.
Life is already challenging enough without all these nonsense.
Relationship is supposed to be a safe haven where you can take refuge in after a long and tiring day, be loved, get emotional support and recharge your energy so that you are ready to get out and take on the world again.
Imagine that you already have a very stressful job where you constantly have to plot and scheme in order to survive the office politics.
After that, you still have to think of ways to keep your ex boyfriend jealous so that he will continue to stay with you.
Alright, maybe you are still young. So you have a lot of energy to spare.
But what are going to do when you are in your seventies or eighties?
Will you still have the energy to play with jealousy or any kind of mind games?
Seriously, what kind of relationship is that?
Don’t you think it is really pathetic?
I don’t know about you. But I would rather be single than to be in that kind of relationship.
The Decision Is Completely Yours
Hopefully, after reading this article, you will not try to use any type of mind games to get your ex back.
Of course, it is totally up to you. If you still decide to do so, I am not going to stop you. Not that I can anyway.
At the end of the day, it is your own relationship. So go ahead and do whatever you want.
The purpose of writing this article is just to let you know the possible consequences so that you can make an informed decision.
I do hope you will at least think twice before you use jealousy on your ex.
Do You Want To Get Your Ex Back In A Healthy Way?
If you do, I will be sharing with you more tips on how to save your relationship without playing mind games.
I will also be sharing with you some hard to find but critical information you need to know.
This can save you months of frustration.
Sign up for my newsletter below so that I can start sending you the tips.
After answering hundreds of questions and spending hundreds of hours researching this topic of getting your ex back, I have come to this conclusion.
The most important factor that will determine whether you will get your ex back is this:
Let’s face it. Getting your ex back is not easy in general. From time to time, things will not go your way. You are probably going to be disappointed more often than you like.
Even if you have the best plan to get your ex back, if you don’t have the right mindset, you will not be able to execute or stick to the plan. You will have the tendency to quit too early.
That is why I decided to create this Mindset Newsletter to help you train your mind.
When you have a strong mindset, you are much more likely to get your ex back.
In order to benefit from this newsletter, you need to be willing to spare at least 5 minutes a day to do the exercises I am going to recommend you to do.
If you are willing to spend 5 minutes a day to work on your mindset so that you can have a much better chance to get your ex boyfriend back, you can sign up by entering your email below.
Do you have what it takes to get your ex boyfriend back? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first time you heard of the concepts I am going to reveal to you today.
After all, most breakup websites out there are telling you to ignore your ex boyfriend during no contact, pretend to be happy, go to the gym, post photo of you with another guy to make him jealous, send him a magic letter and so on…
Is There Any Progress With Your Ex Boyfriend?
I believe you have probably seen them before you landed on my website. Perhaps, you have even tried some of the tactics above. If you did, I have a question for you.
Where has that gotten you so far? Are you seeing any progress in your relationship?
Or maybe it backfired? Instead of drawing your ex boyfriend closer to you, those tactics push him further away.
This is not surprising. After all, those are just mind games. In fact, if you are honest with yourself, you probably feel bad using those tactics on your ex boyfriend. You feel like you have compromised your own integrity and you are not being true to yourself.
Warning! I Am Going To Say Things You Don’t Want To Hear
Before you read on, I have to warn you.
I am going to tell you a few things that you may not want to hear but really need to.
I am doing so because I don’t want you to take shortcut and focus on the wrong things. This will help you save a lot of time and money. More importantly, I want to stop you from using tactics that will cause serious damage to your relationship.
For example, you may have seen some ebooks that claim you can get your ex back in 14 days or less using some secret psychological tactics that work on a man so that he will be down on his knees, crawling towards you and begging you to take him back.
(I am going to dispel this “14 days or any number of days” myth later.)
You decided to buy that ebook only to realize that it doesn’t work. Even worse, it pushes your ex boyfriend further away.
So you end up wasting 14 precious days and the money you spend on that ebook. Even worse, those dirty psychological tricks turn off your ex boyfriend.
This means you have even more work to do if you want him back. Initially, you might have a chance to get him back in 3 months if you follow the proper method.
But because of taking shortcut, now you have to undo the damages. So you have to spend 6 months instead of 3 months to get your ex boyfriend back.
Hopefully, after reading this article, you will know what doesn’t work so that you won’t be tempted to take shortcut. You will have a much better chance to get your ex boyfriend back if you follow the proper method.
Important! Don’t Believe In Everything I Say
You are probably going to resist my message initially and that is perfectly fine.
After all, I don’t want you to believe in everything I say blindly. Instead, I want to encourage you to think critically about your relationship. Take some time to think about whether what I said make sense.
Here is an even better approach. Try some of ideas I am sharing with you today.
See whether they make you a better person.
See whether they make you feel better about yourself.
More importantly, see whether your relationship with others improve.
The things I am going to share with you today are timeless relationship principles.
They don’t just help you connect better with your ex boyfriend. If you really adopt those principles as part of your life, your relationship with others will also improve, whether they are your family, colleagues, classmates, friends or even a stranger you meet on the street.
In fact, I want to encourage you to Bookmark This Page (Ctrl + D) now. Chances are, what I am saying is too much for you to take in today.
Maybe you will still go ahead (hopefully not) and try those tactics and mind games you learn from other websites, only to realize that they don’t work.
No matter what, I hope you will come back to this page later and start appreciating what I am sharing with you today.
The No Contact Rule ( N.C. Rule)
Let’s start with the no contact rule since this is probably the most popular and misunderstood topic in the get your ex back community.
I am going to assume that you already know what the no contact rule is. If not, you can read my article here: Does the no contact rule work?
What’s Right and Wrong With The No Contact Rule?
Almost every breakup website talks about the nc rule. So if everyone is saying the same thing, then it must be the right thing to do, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, it isn’t as simple as that. The problem here is that every website has different set of rules.
So now, we have one no contact and multiple rules.
Which rule should you follow then?
What’s Right With NC?
First, let’s talk about what’s right.
i. To Heal From a Break Up
Everyone agrees that you need to heal after breaking up. I agree too. After all, it is easy to say and do the wrong things when you are flooded with negative emotions.
So if you are using nc to heal, you are doing the right thing.
ii. For 30 Days
Also, most websites recommend 30 days of no contact. I agree with that too. I believe that most people do need at least 30 days to recover from a break up.
However, I don’t think you need to be so rigid with the number of days. If you are one of the few people who truly feels a lot better after 21 days, what is stopping you from initiating contact with your ex?
On the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend you to contact your ex just 3 days after the break up. That may be a little bit too soon. People generally don’t heal that fast.
Even if you have recovered from the breakup, your ex may still need more time. I would recommend a minimum of at least 14 days. For most people though, 30 days is a pretty good guideline.
What’s Half Right With NC?
Work On Yourself
Other than healing, most websites also tell you to work on yourself.
Basically, they give you superficial advice such as upgrade your wardrobe, change your diet, go to the gym, meet friends, date other people, be happy, increase your confidence and so on…
I think they are really missing the point here. That’s why I call it “half right”.
Yes, it is not a bad idea to make these changes. But at the end of the day, those are just very superficial external changes.
Those changes may not even last, especially if you are doing so purely for the sake of getting your ex boyfriend back.
I am going to make a wild guess here. I am guessing that your ex boyfriend didn’t break up with you because you didn’t go to the gym? So how can going to the gym help you get your ex boyfriend back?
I hope that makes you think a little bit deeper about what it really takes to get your ex boyfriend back.
Superficial external changes that don’t last can only bring you so far. Yes, your ex boyfriend might get back together with you when he sees the “external changes” in you.
But after a while, he is probably going to realize that you are still the same old person after all. Let say you break up with him because you are clingy and insecure, going to the gym everyday is not going to cure your insecurities.
When crisis happens, you are going to revert to your old habits. Your ex boyfriend is going to feel cheated and leave the relationship again.
It Is The Internal Transformation That Is Going To Determine Whether You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently
If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to focus on real, lasting internal transformation.
These are skills you need to work on starting from today. They will not only help you with your romantic relationship. They will also come in handy when you are communicating with your boss, co-workers, friends and people in general.
This is going to be our main discussion in this article. But before that, I just want to quickly talk about the types of no contact rule you should avoid.
It is important to go through them because I don’t want to see you sabotaging your own relationship by following the wrong set of rules.
What’s Wrong with NC?
i. Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend Completely
One version of nc rule is to ignore your ex boyfriend when he contacts you whether by phone, text messages or emails. Don’t pick up the phone and don’t reply.
This is a very dangerous and immature approach. It doesn’t reflect well on you.
First, your ex may think that you have moved on and decided to move on too.
Second, your ex may think you are playing mind games on him and get angry. Maybe he will start ignoring you too to get back at you.
Needless to say, if you are trying to get him back, this makes your job more difficult than it needs to be.
If you still need time to heal from the break up and is not ready to talk to your ex, there is a much better and more mature approach.
You can say something like, “Hey, thanks for contacting me. I really appreciate it. I would love to catch up with you again sometime in the future. However, right now, I am still feeling emotional over the breakup. I promise I will get back to you once I feel better.”
By doing so, you are keeping the door open. You are being honest and that kind of reply doesn’t make you look desperate or needy.
Also, it makes it easier when you are ready to contact him. You can simply carry on the conversation from there.
ii. Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You
I have already written an article about why it is not a good idea to use no contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you.
Here is the article: How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You
So I am going to keep it brief here.
Basically, you have totally no control over whether your ex boyfriend is going to miss you. If you are using no contact for that purpose, you are probably going to find yourself wasting a lot of time.
You will keep on wondering whether he misses you. Maybe you will be spending hours on Facebook obsessing about his status update. Maybe he added a girl as a friend. You will start to question whether she is his new love interest.
Your anxiety level will increase. How is that going to help you get your ex boyfriend back? You will do much better if you actually focus inward.
Instead of spending hours on Facebook, why not spend 10 to 20 minutes doing the inner work exercises I am going to share with you later in this article?
I am sure you can see which approach is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.
Why Internal Transformation Is Important
Alright, now it’s time for us to talk about the internal transformation you need in order to get your ex boyfriend back.
You may be wondering why internal transformation is important.
Well, let me give you an analogy here.
Imagine that your head is itchy but you scratch your butt instead. Have you managed to relieve the itch?
Of course not! But you refuse to give up. So you keep on scratching your butt until it starts to bleed. Now, your head is still itchy and situation has become worse. Now, you can’t even sit.
Yes, I know this is a very crude analogy. But let’s be honest here. How many people are using crude ways to try and get their ex back?
For example, maybe your were too clingy. Interacting with you doesn’t feel good anymore. It is emotionally draining for your ex boyfriend. Therefore, he decided to break up with you.
So you go to the internet to find out how to get your boyfriend back. Instead of working on your clinginess, you found a website that gives you a magic letter that you can send to your ex.
So you send the letter. Not only does the letter not work, it makes the situation worse. Your boyfriend withdraws further. And of course, fundamentally, you are still the same old clingy person.
Now, your head is still itchy. To make things worse, your butt is bleeding and you won’t be able to sit for some time. Obviously, the right thing to do in the first place is to simply scratch the head.
Why Your Ex Broke Up With You
Do you know why your ex broke up with you? Yes, I know there are probably 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, I know every situation is unique.
But when you really examine the root reason for breaking up, it is simply because your ex doesn’t feel a strong emotional connection with you anymore.
It doesn’t matter whether the breakup is due to clinginess, long distance relationship, cheating or any other reasons. Because your ex doesn’t have a strong enough emotional connection with you, he doesn’t have the motivation to continue the relationship with you.
That is why you should focus on scratching your head. You should focus on real, lasting internal transformation so that you can bring a better you when you are interacting with your ex. The new you will be able to form a strong emotional connection with him.
The Internal Transformation You Should Focus On During No Contact
The first thing you should focus on is to develop awareness.
Here are 3 questions that are probably in your mind.
1. What is awareness?
2. What has awareness got to do with getting my ex back?
3. How do I develop awareness?
Here is the answer.
What is awareness and how does it help me get my ex back?
The awareness I am talking about here is present moment awareness.
When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly replaying things that happen in the past.
When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly anticipating what is going to happen in the future.
It is important to develop your ability to stay in the present moment so that you can be more aware of what is happening both inside (eg. clingy, bad temper, big ego etc.) and outside (eg. your ex’s current emotional state) of yourself.
If this is the first time you heard of this concept of present moment awareness, you may find it a little bit abstract.
So I am going to try my best to explain it in a more layman language. Maybe the best way is to look at examples that can happen in real life.
Let’s look at the first example.
Have you ever tried talking to someone who is not fully present?
Maybe while you are talking to him, he is so busy checking his phone.
Or maybe while you are talking to him, he is looking at you. Yet, you can somehow sense that he is not fully present. (Very Big Hint: You cannot fake awareness! People can sense it!)
Maybe he is thinking about something that happened in the past. Maybe he is thinking about what is going to happen in the future. You can feel that he is zoned out.
Maybe he is your ex boyfriend? How do you feel when he is not fully present? Do you feel an emotional disconnection?
Are you guilty of that yourself? Have you spent your entire life not being fully present?
Let’s look at the second example.
Without present moment awareness:
You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are constantly thinking about the future. You are constantly thinking about what to say next so much so that you didn’t notice he is worried.
Ouch! You just lose an opportunity for deep emotional connection.
With present moment awareness:
You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are fully present. You realize that he seems a little bit worried. So you ask him what happen.
He tells you that his company is downsizing and he is worried about losing his job.
He feels more emotionally connected to you because you are actually aware of how he feels.
Let’s look at the third example.
Without present moment awareness:
Your boyfriend is having an important exam. Because of that, he has to spend more time studying and therefore call you less often.
Due to the lack of awareness, you are acting on autopilot mode. You are insecure. You started over texting him, surprised him by going to his place etc.
He can’t take it anymore and decided to break up with you.
With present moment awareness:
You are still insecure. You pick up the phone wanting to text him.
Fortunately, you have been cultivating awareness. Therefore, you are no longer acting on autopilot.
Because of your awareness, you managed to catch yourself on the act before you do something silly that will push your boyfriend away.
Because of your awareness, you can put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend. You know he still loves you but is just too busy to call you as often.
You continue working on your awareness. Eventually, you even managed to overcome your insecurity. Now, insecurity no longer has any hold on you.
Hopefully, after looking at these 3 examples, you have a glimpse of how present moment awareness can help you get your ex back.
Awareness Cannot Be Faked If You Don’t Have It
As mentioned above, you can’t fake awareness.
While reading this section, you may be thinking to yourself, “Ya, I kind of know what awareness is.”
However, that is only knowing it intellectually. You haven’t really developed the skill. This can be easily verified with your ex. If one text message or Facebook status update from your ex boyfriend put you back into panic mode, then you know you still need a lot of practice.
It is just like skating. Seeing other people skate is easy. But wait till you put on the skates. You will probably fall the first time you try.
The only way to learn how to skate is to practice. Similarly, you need to practice in order to develop awareness. You can’t just read this article and claim that you know it all.
Awareness Is Not A Magic Pill
Now, I am not saying that once you developed awareness, you will no longer be nervous around your ex. It is just that you will be more calm when dealing with your ex. You are also less likely to act on autopilot.
Maybe this is a better way to describe it:
With awareness, you will learn to respond instead of react.
Your ex boyfriend is angry at you and tells you that it is impossible between the two of you.
You get desperate and start reacting on autopilot. You start begging and pleading. Obviously, this is not going to help you get your ex back.
You still feel a sense of desperation. Fortunately, you have been working on your awareness. You are aware that you are going to react (beg and plead). Because of that awareness, you manage to stop yourself in the track.
You are also aware of how your ex boyfriend feels. You know he is saying that because he is angry at you.
Therefore, you know you don’t have to take “impossible to be together” too seriously. Instead, you are able to respond by empathizing with him.
So while awareness is not a magic pill, it gives you the capacity to deal with all kinds of awkward situations thrown to you by your ex.
This will not be possible if you are relying on text message or magic letter templates.
I understand that having some templates can be helpful in certain situations. However, you will still need present moment awareness as the foundation. You need to be fully present when you are interacting with your ex. Otherwise, what are you going to say once you run out of templates?
How To Develop Awareness?
There are many ways to develop awareness. So feel free to conduct your own research about this topic.
But since you are here, I want to share with you something practical.
In my opinion, one of the best ways to develop present moment awareness is through meditation.
I know there are other get your ex back websites that may have mentioned meditation. However, I think they are missing the point.
They make it seem like you can practice meditation whenever you feel like doing it. However, I really encourage you to make it a daily routine. Make it a habit.
I am not making this up out of thin air.
There have been a lot of scientific studies done on meditation. So it is scientifically proven that regular meditation brings a whole host of benefits. It makes you healthier, calmer, happier and more.
Of course, for the purpose of this article, we are more interested in using meditation to develop awareness so that you have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back. So you can treat the other benefits as a bonus.
If you are interested to find out what other benefits meditation can bring, you can find out more yourself as this is out of scope of this article.
The Breath Meditation
One of the most common meditation methods is the breath meditation. Basically, all you do is to sit on a chair or on the floor cross legged, keep your back straight, close your eyes gently and focus on your breath.
Follow the breath as you breathe in and out. The idea here is to be fully present in your own body. Be aware of your own breath.
This might seem to be an easy thing to do. But wait till you try it and you will see how difficult it can be especially if this is the first time you are doing it.
After all, you have probably spent your whole life not being fully present. I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming most of my visitors are at least 20 years old.
So you have spent at least 20 years not practicing awareness. Therefore, it is normal to find meditation difficult. While you are trying hard to focus on the breath, I wouldn’t be surprised if new thoughts keep on coming up, especially thoughts about your ex.
That is often called the monkey mind. The purpose of meditation is to learn how to tame the monkey mind, so that you can be more present and aware.
The Release Meditation Method
I usually practice the breath mediation but I do realize that it is not the easiest method to get into for beginners.
Fortunately, I came across this “Release Meditation Method” on Youtube. In my opinion, it is easier to get into for most people compared to Breath Mediation.
However, once you get the hang of Release Meditation, I do encourage you to practice Breath Mediation.
I embedded the video below. Watch for instructions.
How Meditation Can Help You Get Your Ex Back
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you can just meditate somewhere in the cave of a mountain and your ex will come back to you miraculously.
Obviously, that’s not how meditation is going to help you get your ex back.
What meditation does it that it gives you the awareness you need to handle both yourself and your ex.
For example, you may be someone who gets angry easily. You often argue with your ex boyfriend. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke up with you.
Without meditation, you will just automatically act on your anger when someone (your ex boyfriend) pushes your button. It is as if you have no control over your own emotions. You are living life just like a robot.
With meditation, when your button is pushed, you managed to recognize that you are going to get angry just one second before you act on it and explode on your ex boyfriend.
Don’t underestimate that one second. That gives you just enough time to make a U-turn. You are now more in control of your own emotions and it certainly makes you more human.
Of course, I am just using anger as an example. Basically, meditation and awareness works for all kinds of emotions.
Can you see how this is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?
Meditation and Awareness Are Not Something That Can Be Fully Described With Words
There is only so much I can tell you about the benefits of meditation and awareness in words.
You really need to try for yourself to experience the benefits.
I know this is probably not the best analogy but I can’t think of a better one right now. So I will use it anyway.
It is just like sex. I can tell you how wonderful sex is and how great it feels. But if you never have sex before, you won’t know exactly how great it feels. All you have is intellectual knowledge.
It is the same for meditation and awareness. So don’t just read this article and think you have grasp everything. No matter how busy you are, try to block a period of time where you just meditate.
After all, you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your ex boyfriend back right?
But there are some exceptions. If you are suffering from severe depression or any psychiatric conditions where you are taking medications, then you may want to consult your doctor first. Otherwise, meditation is generally safe and highly beneficial for most people.
The Next Skill To Cultivate – Acceptance
Before you can cultivate Acceptance, you need to work on Awareness first. They go hand in hand. You can’t accept something if you are not even aware of what to accept.
Why Acceptance Is Important
I would like to start off this section with a question I received because it perfectly illustrates what happen when you are in non-acceptance (resistance) mode.
Hopefully, after reading my analysis of this question, you will start to see why it is so important to cultivate Acceptance if you want to get your ex boyfriend back.
Here is the question:
I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.
I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?
As you can see from the question above, she didn’t give me a lot of details about her relationship. I do not know what causes the breakup and what she did over the 8 months period. So I can’t really give her very specific suggestion.
But I do see familiarity in her situation because it is very common. I receive similar question from time to time. Most probably, you will be able to relate to some of the experiences she is going through. So let’s start the analysis.
I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35.
I am going to take this opportunity to dispel a very popular myth here. It is “Time heals all wounds”.
If you have visited other get your ex back websites, you will usually see advice such as just go no contact for 30 or whatever number of days and you will start feeling better.
There are also advice such as go to the gym, eat healthier, exercise, go out with friends and other external methods.
I am not saying that you shouldn’t do those things. After all, if you haven’t been meeting your friends because you were spending too much time with your ex, then it is probably a good time to start catching up with them again.
If you have been leading an unhealthy lifestyle, then it is not a bad idea to start eating healthier and exercising more regularly. They do help you feel a little bit better. However, those are very superficial stuff and won’t really help you heal fully.
Perhaps you have already tried doing those external things? Maybe you have even been in no contact for a few weeks. So are you truly feeling better now?
If you are really honest with yourself, most probably, the answer is no.
Sure, on the surface, you may be feeling better after 30 days of no contact. But the real test comes when you are interacting with your ex. If you find yourself always reacting over your ex’s every move and are constantly in a state of emotional turmoil, then you know you have not truly healed.
Susan mentioned she has used no contact for 35 days. She also said:
I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again.
From that alone, I know she has not really healed from the breakup after 35 days of no contact.
I am not sure what she did during those 35 days. But I am assuming that she is doing a very passive form of no contact. Basically, just waiting for “time to heal all wounds”, which is definitely not a very effective approach.
Alternatively, she may be focusing on those external things mentioned earlier. Again, not a very effective approach to heal a broken heart.
As long as she focuses on the wrong approach, it doesn’t matter whether she goes no contact for 35 days or 350 days. She won’t be able to heal fully.
I am not exaggerating here. Just a few days ago, I receive a comment from a woman who is still hurting one year after her break up. And I know there are people out there who are still hurting even after a few years.
When you are focusing on those external stuff, all you are doing is distracting yourself. You are simply ignoring and suppressing the pain but the pain is still going to be there for a very long time.
So What Is The Key To Healing A Broken Heart?
If you want to see better results, you should focus on cultivating Awareness and Acceptance instead.
Here is an analogy:
Imagine there is a hole in the roof of your house. Every time it rains, your house is going to be wet.
You can do nothing for 30 days and the hole is still going to be there.
Sure, you may start feeling better after 30 days but that is not because the hole is no longer there. It is because you have gotten used to living in a wet house. You are used to numbing yourself.
This may work for a short period of time. But eventually, you still have to face the consequences of ignoring the hole. The hole is going to become bigger. When winter comes, you are going to feel the effect.
You can also focus on the external stuff like scooping the water out of the house or placing a pail under the hole.
Yes, now you are doing something. But the result is still the same. The hole is still there.
Why not try a better approach?
First, you need to be aware that there is a hole in the roof.
Next, you need to accept that the hole is there.
This is called acceptance.
Some people may try to resist the fact because of various reasons.
Oh, it is so troublesome.
It cost money to get someone to fix the hole.
I have to clean up after that.
I have to stay at home while they are repairing the roof.
This is called resistance.
But there is no point trying to resist it. Might as well fix it now. The more and longer you resist, the more sufferings you are going to bring to yourself.
Roof Repair vs Break Up
Yes, I know the roof repair example seems pretty obvious right?
But when it comes to your relationship, suddenly, what you need to do is not so obvious anymore.
Well, it is not your fault. After all, a break up is a lot more emotional compared to a hole in the roof.
When emotions are high, logic get thrown out of the window.
And the fact that there are so many websites telling you to do nothing or external stuff during no contact is making you more confused.
That is why you didn’t have the awareness to focus on the right things in the first place.
Hopefully, after reading this section, you are at least aware that those approaches won’t help you to heal a broken heart.
You are going to do better if you focus on Acceptance instead.
Using Acceptance To Heal A Broken Heart
Acceptance is about embracing both the positive and negative experiences.
When it comes to healing a broken heart, it means allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, anxiety etc.
You need to accept that you are feeling hurt. This is the first step of the healing process.
As human beings, we have a natural tendency to avoid pain. That is probably why doing those external stuff seem so appealing. When you are doing things like dating other people, going to the gym, waiting for time to heal your wounds, you don’t have to face those negative emotions.
Unfortunately, you can only suppress those emotions or numb yourself for so long. Eventually, they are going to come back and bite you in the most unexpected way.
For example, a visitor of my blog once told me that she lost it one day. She was trying really hard to get her ex boyfriend back and wasn’t seeing any progress. Eventually, she lost control and screamed at her ex.
That is why it is so important to face your emotions now rather than later. The sooner you face them, the sooner you can begin the healing process. This will give you greater emotional strength to handle any obstacles when you are trying to get your boyfriend back.
Using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) To Release Your Emotions
One very effective method you can use to heal yourself is the Emotional Freedom Technique.
Now, I want to be upfront with you. I am not an expert in EFT. My only exposure to EFT was through a workshop that I attended a few years ago.
However, I do find EFT very helpful in releasing negative emotions whenever I use it. I have also seen how my fellow participants benefited from EFT on their first attempt.
The beauty behind this technique is that you don’t have to be an expert in order to benefit from it.
You can just start tapping yourself and experience the benefits by following the instructions in the video below.
Of course, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. I am sharing it with you because it has worked for me and I have seen it worked for others. Therefore, I think you may find it helpful too.
Just to share with you what I learned from my EFT instructor. For beginners, they will have a 50% success rate when using EFT to resolve their own issues.
However, for those with deeper emotional issues, self tapping may not be as effective. They can consider seeking help from a skilful EFT practitioner who has the ability to guide them through the entire process.
Just in case you are wondering, the lady in the video is not my EFT instructor.
I chose to embed this video here because after looking through a number of EFT videos on Youtube, this is the most relevant and helpful for breakups.
Accepting The Break Up
It is also important to accept that the break up has already happened. The old relationship is gone. Don’t try to fix or get the old relationship back.
At this point, you may be thinking, “Ok, so I accept the break up and I am going to let him go.”
If you really think it is best for both of you to go separate way, that is perfectly fine.
On the other hand, if deep inside your heart, you still want him back, yet you are letting him go without even trying, then that is not called acceptance. It is called resignation.
Back to the roof example. Acceptance means you accept that there is a hole in the roof and you actually do something constructive. You call the roof repair company.
The keyword here is constructive.
You don’t say something like “Ok, I accept that there is a hole in the roof. I will just let it be.” That is called resignation.
What Does It Really Mean To Accept The Breakup?
Accepting the break up means you don’t fixate on the past.
You don’t keep on thinking, “If only I have done this. If only I have done that. The break up will not have happen.”
The fact is, you can’t undo the past. I am not telling you to forget about the past completely. After all, it is a good idea to learn from your mistakes.
But once you know your mistakes, it is time to let the past go. For example, if your ex broke up with you because you were too needy, then just take note of that. Don’t beat yourself up for your neediness.
You can spend 30 days of no contact thinking, “If only I weren’t so needy, he wouldn’t have left me.” 30 days later, you are still a needy person and still not in a good position to win him back.
I am sure you can see this is not a very constructive approach.
It is much better to say, “Alright, I was needy in the past and still is. I completely accept that. I will do something to overcome my neediness”
Don’t you think that is a more constructive approach that will give you a better chance to get your ex back?
Accepting the break up also means recognizing that your ex boyfriend is a human being, just like you.
Sometimes, I receive comments from women saying things like,
“He is so stubborn!”
“He is a commitment phobe.”
In a way, this is a form of resistance. You are resisting because he is not behaving in the way you want him to.
Sure, your ex boyfriend may indeed be stubborn, a commitment phobe or any labels you are giving him. But when you strip all those labels away, he is a human being just like you.
Just like you, he has emotions.
Just like you, he has his own fears to deal with.
Just like you, he wants to be happy.
Whenever you use a label on people, you are closing the door to emotional connection.
If you label someone as hostile, you will have the tendency to react in a hostile manner too, basically fighting fire with fire. Obviously, you can’t extinguish fire with fire.
He will continue to be hostile towards you, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Needless to say, the interaction is not going to turn out well.
On the other hand, when you see him as a human being, suddenly he is no longer a hostile person. He is just someone who is angry and acting in a hostile way.
Instead of reacting with hostility, you become curious about him. You started wondering why he is so angry and acting hostile.
You started talking to him with empathy and found out why he was in such a bad mood.
Maybe he just lost his job and he is worried about his home being repossessed.
Now, you have opened the door to emotional connection. He felt understood by you. Obviously, he is no longer hostile towards you.
If you are able to bring the same level of acceptance in your interaction with your ex boyfriend, you are going to have a much better chance to establish an emotional connection with him.
Accepting the breakup also means being at peace with the fact that he is no longer your boyfriend.
In other words, you need to accept that he is no longer going to call you or text you everyday.
You need to accept that he is no longer going to celebrate your birthday for you.
You need to accept that he has the rights to date other women.
You need to accept that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.
At this point, you may be thinking, “I might as well stop trying to get my boyfriend back.”
Well, as mentioned earlier, acceptance is not resignation.
Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means you don’t try to resist the reality.
The reason I am asking you to accept all those things above is because once you truly able to do so, it frees you from anxiety. Without that anxiety, you are less likely to make all the common mistakes that push your ex further away.
For example, if your ex boyfriend is dating another woman, you can certainly try to resist it. You can refuse to accept the reality. Therefore, you started doing all kinds of funny things.
Maybe you spend the whole day checking your ex’s Facebook profile. Maybe you keep on asking your ex about the other woman. Maybe you are constantly worried about whether he will really fall in love with that woman.
When you do those things, you lose awareness. You are not in the present moment. You are constantly worried about the past and future. Needless to say, when you are talking to your ex with that kind of mindset, the interaction is not going to feel good. Your ex will feel pressured and pull away from you.
On the other hand, you may not like the fact that he is dating another woman. You may not think that she is compatible with him. And of course, you still want him back. But you are able to accept the fact that he is dating another woman.
Because of that acceptance, you are able to bring a state of calmness when you are interacting with your ex. Your mind won’t be so preoccupied with the thoughts of him with another woman.
With awareness, you are even able to notice that he seems a little bit unhappy. So you are able to ask him with empathy.
Because of that, he felt understood. He is able to feel that you get him. So he opens up to you. He told you that after dating the other woman for some time, he realizes that he still loves you more.
You manage to form an emotional connection with him. You are making progress. Now you are one step closer to getting him back.
Can you see how important Acceptance is?
I think this is worth mentioning. I know there are a good number of women who push their ex away because of neediness.
Imagine that you used to be needy. But now, you are able to bring Awareness and Acceptance in your interaction with your ex.
Don’t you think that is going to change your ex’s opinion of you?
Don’t you think you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?
Don’t you think that is going to work better than playing mind games or relying on templates to get your ex back?
Acceptance put you in a position of strength. Resistance put you in a position of weakness.
Acceptance Needs To Be Practised
Just like awareness, acceptance needs to be practised. You can’t just read this article and say, “Haha, I am now in full acceptance of everything.”
That is not going to happen for most people. After all, most of us have spent our entire life judging and putting a label on people, resisting reality, holding on to things and refusing to let go.
We have spent our entire life practising the habit of resistance. Therefore, it is going to take some time to cultivate the habit of acceptance.
For example, you might read this article and agree with everything I said about acceptance. Then the next moment, you realized that your ex didn’t wish you happy birthday.
You started panicking and over analyzing things, wondering whether he still loves you. Or maybe you react with anger, “How dare he forget my birthday!” If this is your reaction, then you know you still need some practise.
Right now, you only have an intellectual understanding of acceptance. So your goal is to make it become a part of you.
How To Practise Acceptance?
Well, start small. Start somewhere.
1. Are there people (acquaintances, neighbors, co workers, family members) you dislike because of some preconceived notion you have about them?
What labels are you using on them?
Maybe it is time to drop the labels?
Maybe it is time to get to know them more?
2. Can you start changing your reaction to some unimportant things in life?
Maybe you used to get angry whenever you miss the bus. Can you start smiling or at least don’t get so angry?
The bus is gone. No point resisting reality and getting angry, giving yourself high blood pressure. Make sense?
Maybe you decided to have a cup of coffee at a nearby coffee shop because you miss the bus. Then you realize the coffee taste so good!
Who knows? Perhaps this can be a good place to ask your ex out for a cup of coffee, when you are ready to meet him again.
Basically, the idea here is to cultivate the habit to focus on the positives.
When you can practise acceptance on the unimportant things in life, you will eventually be able to bring that acceptance to the more important things in life, such as the interaction with your ex.
Hopefully, this gives you some ideas on how to start practicing acceptance.
How The Situation Can Be Better With Acceptance
Let us take a look at the previous question again.
I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.
I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?
This time round, we are going to see how the situation can turn out differently with Acceptance.
1. With acceptance, Susan can heal faster because she allows herself to feel the negative emotions instead of suppressing them.
2. With acceptance, Susan can accept the fact that he may not call her and be ok with that. She is willing to take the initiative to call him when she is emotionally ready to do so.
3. With acceptance, Susan is less likely to make the mistakes most people are making when they are trying to get their ex back.
For example, in the question above, Susan said she has tried everything over 8 months without any significant results. She was getting hot and cold responses, in other words, mixed signals from her ex.
What Susan may not realize is that mixed signals is very common when you are trying to get an ex back.
Why does your ex give you mixed signals?
There are 2 possible reasons.
1. Your ex is stringing you along.
Of course, Susan didn’t give me enough details about her situation. So I can’t tell whether her ex is stringing her along. But for the purpose of this section, let’s assume that Susan’s ex is NOT stringing her along.
2. Your ex is starting develop feelings for you again.
That explains the hot behavior.
On the other hand, he is afraid of getting back into the same old relationship only to break up and get hurt again. He is not sure whether you have really changed for the better.
That explains the cold behavior.
In other words, the cold behavior is a way your ex is using to test you.
That doesn’t mean your ex is purposely setting a test for you. More often than not, this is an unconscious process that is going on inside the head of your ex.
In other words, your ex doesn’t even know he is testing you. He is just acting on autopilot, based on his emotions.
After all, I don’t think your ex have read this article or any articles that reveal similar concepts. So he is probably not practising awareness or acceptance like what you will hopefully start doing after reading this article.
So your level of acceptance is going to determine whether you pass or fail his test.
For example, in the early stages of saving your relationship, he is still very resistant towards you.
With patience, you finally manage to get him to open up to you again. Both of you started texting each other more often.
Then one day, he started withdrawing from you again. He started giving you one word reply.
At this point, most women will probably panic because that is not what they want. They can’t accept that. They just want their ex to keep on texting them more and more.
So they started sending all kinds of text messages such as jokes, pictures etc in order to elicit a response from their ex.
Obviously, that is going to push the ex further away. This is especially true if your ex broke up with you because you were needy.
Now, your ex can see that you are still needy. That means you fail his test.
On the other hand, with acceptance, you are more calm. You are able to accept the fact that sometimes, things will not go your way. You realize that maybe you were trying to move too fast.
So once you see your ex starting to give cold signal (one word reply), you realize that you need to take things a little bit more slowly. You decided to cut down the number of messages you are sending him.
Now, you pass the test because you have been practising acceptance.
The Next Skill You Should Focus On – Communication
I know Communication is not a sexy word. In fact, it sounds really boring and cliche.
It is definitely not as exciting as the secret psychological tactics you can use to get your ex back.
But let’s face it. Ineffective communication is probably the number one reason for breaking up. So if communication is not an important skill to focus on, then what else is?
Yes, there may be 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, everyone’s situation is unique. But if you really take the time to analyze your situation, you can probably trace it back to a communication problem.
Here is a typical example which is very common:
She is staying together with her boyfriend but she seldom get to see him because he spends a lot of time at work.
Obviously, she wanted him to spend more time with her. Therefore, she asked him to spend less time at work in order to have work life balance.
He started working less and spending more time with his buddies.
Did he listen to her?
Did she get what she wanted?
She didn’t tell him exactly what she wanted. She didn’t tell him exactly what she meant by work life balance. Eventually, her resentment for her boyfriend grows. Eventually, that resentment explodes into a big argument followed by a break up.
On the surface, the break up is caused by that big argument. But the root cause of the break up is ineffective communication.
So what should she say to her boyfriend instead?
Should she just tell him that she wants him to spend more time with her?
Well, that is a bit better than simply telling him about work life balance and expecting him to figure out what work life balance really means. But it is still not specific enough.
A much better approach is to simply tell him that she would appreciates if he can spend a weekday evening together every week.
Be Clear About What You Want
This is a basic principle in effective communication.
In order to get what you want, don’t just tell people what you don’t want. You need to tell them exactly what you want. Be specific, just like the example above.
Don’t just tell your boyfriend not to spend so much time at work. Don’t just tell him to spend more time with you. Be more specific about what spending more time really mean.
After all, most people won’t have the skills to read your mind.
It is just like in a restaurant. If you just tell the waiter that you don’t want salad, it is only going to guarantee that you won’t get salad. But you are probably not going to get the food you really want.
If you can’t tell people exactly what you want, then a possible reason is because you are not exactly clear about what you want.
If that is the case, take some time to think about what you really want before making a request.
What If The Main Cause of Your Breakup Is Not Communication?
I understand that not all breakups are caused by ineffective communication. Even if that is the case, I will still strongly encourage you to work on your communication skills.
After all, I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from better communication.
By working on yourself in this area, you are not just helping yourself in your romantic relationship and increasing your chance to get your ex back. Your non-romantic relationships will also improve.
How To Improve Your Communication Skill?
One way to get started is to read some good books and start practising what you learned in real life.
There are so many books written on this topic of communication alone. So obviously, there is no space for me to share everything I know in just one article. And this article is already getting very long but I still have a lot of information to share with you here.
If you are interested to take your communication skill to the next level, you may want to check out this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
Although this book is not specifically about getting your ex back or saving a relationship, I believe you will gain a lot of insight about why you were not getting through to your ex with your previous communication approaches.
If you are interested to learn how to improve your communication with the opposite gender, you can check out Conversation Chemistry by Mirabelle Summers.
The Number One Equation For Getting Your Ex Back
If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, there is only one equation you need to remember.
It is a very simple equation.
Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics
The fact that you have broken up means the current relationship dynamics is not working. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need a “different” and obviously “better” relationship dynamics.
So how do you change the relationship dynamics?
Well, by changing the left hand side of the equation.
Obviously, your have no control over “Your Ex”. You can only control the “You” part of the equation.
In other words, you need to work on yourself! That is why I spent a good portion of this article talking about awareness, acceptance and communication.
When you get serious and start working on these important relationship skills on a daily basis and make them a part of your life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for the relationship dynamics to stay the same.
There Are Consequences For Ignoring This Equation
Let’s take a look at the equation again.
Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics
You can certainly ignore the equation and choose to skip the important step of “You” (real internal transformation) and try to get your ex back immediately.
Just be aware that there are consequences for doing so.
Here is a very typical example of an on again, off again relationship:
Let say your ex boyfriend suddenly decided to breakup with you.
So you started reacting on autopilot (due to lack of awareness and acceptance). You begged and pleaded for another chance, promising that you will change.
It worked for the first time. Your ex boyfriend decided to give the relationship another try.
Guess what happen next? Your ex boyfriend realized that the “Relationship Dynamics” is still the same. Nothing has changed. It shouldn’t be surprising. After all, “You” didn’t change.
So he decided to break up with you again.
Once again, you are back to autopilot mode. You begged and pleaded again.
Maybe he will decide to get back together with you the second time. But I believe you can already see how this relationship is going to turn out.
Most likely, it is going to end up in another break up because “You” still haven’t change. And this time round, your ex boyfriend has enough of you.
This Equation Is Applicable To Every Breakup Situation
Your situation may not be the same as the example above but it doesn’t matter.
The equation is still very relevant to your situation. I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from a better version of “You”.
In fact, I want to introduce another component to this equation.
Your Ex + You + Time = Relationship Dynamics
Yes, that’s right!
Please take your time to get your ex back.
Very often, I see people just can’t wait to get back together with their ex.
I am here to tell you to:
There is no point of getting back together when the “You” part of the equation is still the same. It is just going to lead to another breakup.
You need time for real internal transformation. That is not going to happen overnight.
You need time to date your ex instead of getting back together immediately. That gives you the chance to change the relationship dynamics.
Your ex needs time to see that you have really changed. You ex needs time to decide whether it is a good idea to get back together with you. You want that to be his idea so that he will be more committed to the relationship.
A Very Brief Overview of What You Learned In This Article
The infographic below gives you a very brief overview of what you learned in this article. After all, there are so much information in this article that I can’t squeeze every single detail into one diagram.
So if you haven’t read this article and is just scrolling through this page, I will encourage you to read this article carefully and you are going to learn something new.
If you have already read the entire article, then the diagram below may give you a quick recap of some of the key ideas you have learned so far.
If you like the information on this article, then sign up for my newsletter below. I have a lot more information to share with you in my newsletter that will give you a better chance to win your ex back.
Recently, I saw 2 comments on my blog that is related to the topic above.
So I decided to create a post to address this topic.
Here are the 2 questions:
1. Hello, I was wondering. My boyfriend broke up with me because his family are racist, and would never accept me. we wasn’t together for that long, so of course, he wouldn’t be willing to become ostracized from his family for me at this point. What would my affirmations be? I want to do everything I can to get him back!
2. Hi Mark,
I have faced the situation as the comment above. However, my ex-bf’s mother didn’t like me at the beginning, even we never met before. And after breaking up for 3 months, I found out that It also came from my personality as well. But the difference race and family background are the most important. You know, when people don’t like you at the first place whatever you do is always wrong. I was not that good girl but now I realized that what I should do.
Any suggestion for that?
Thanks in advance
Who Should Read This:
My answer is not just relevant to racist situation.
Basically, if your boyfriend is not on your side, this article will be relevant to you.
Here is my answer:
If you are in similar situation, the first question you need to ask yourself is this:
Is your boyfriend on your side?
If he is, then the relationship is worth saving. If he isn’t, you should think twice.
The fact that your boyfriend has broken up with you probably means he is not on your side. That is why he is now your ex.
This is a very big problem.
Let me use an analogy here:
A relationship is just like an enemy. Yes, I know this is not the most appropriate analogy but I hope it can help you see what you are getting yourself into.
I am sure you agree with me that even without other enemies, building a great relationship is already not easy. Let’s add your boyfriend’s family into the equation.
Now, you are fighting against 2 enemies, the relationship and your boyfriend’s family.
I am sure you can see how hard this battle can be. If your boyfriend is on your side, this battle can be won with the right strategies in place.
But what if your boyfriend is not on your side but choose to side with his family instead?
Now, you are fighting against 3 enemies!
Even if you manage to win this battle, you are going to be seriously wounded (resentment, disappointment, anger, helplessness, unhappiness and a whole lot of negative emotions).
I don’t know about you. If I have a choice, I wouldn’t want to fight this battle. I would rather fight another battle where I know my partner will be on my side.
The fact is, if your boyfriend is on your side, it is probably not going to seriously affect his relationship with his family. They are his family after all.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend is not on your side, it is definitely going to affect your relationship with him. You are going to resent him. Yet, you can’t really blame him because you chose to fight this battle when you have the choice not to.
At the end of the day, you want to date a man who can make his own decision and will protect you. You don’t want to date a mummy’s boy.
If you are in similar situation, you should only consider staying in the relationship if your boyfriend is on your side.
When both of you are working together, you can overcome any obstacles. When you are working alone, the relationship is probably doom from the start. Most probably, you are more into him than he is into you.
I know it is not easy for you to let go. You are trying to get your ex boyfriend back because you love him. But does he love you? You should think long term. One year later, if your boyfriend is still not supporting you, how would you feel? You will be filled with resentment rather than love.
Also, try not to give your ex boyfriend excuses. Don’t say something like “he is not on my side because we were together for only a short time”.
The beginning of a relationship is usually the honeymoon phase. If he is not siding with you now, he is probably not going to even after a long time together. In fact, the situation may become worse.
So move on fast. You are probably going to feel lousy for a few weeks but don’t worry. You should recover in a few weeks time.
If you are in a similar situation but still believe that your relationship is worth saving, then sign up for my newsletter below. I believe with the information I share with you in my newsletter, you are going to stand a much better chance to get your ex back.
If you are thinking of using Facebook to win your ex boyfriend back, you may want to think twice.
From the many cases I have encountered so far, people (men and women included) who try to use Facebook to get their ex back end up making the situation worse. You will probably do better if you stay away from any social media sites during this period.
Even if you are not trying to use Facebook to get him back, I will advise you to refrain from logging in.
Let’s be honest here. Chances are if you are logged in to Facebook, you will probably be tempted to check your ex boyfriend’s profile. Even if you are not actively checking his profile, you will probably see his status updates on your wall.
Stalking him online can really mess up your emotions when you are trying so hard to heal. This is especially true if your boyfriend happens to be using some kinds of Facebook tactics to make you jealous.
When you are emotional and jealous, you can end up doing all kinds of crazy things on or off Facebook that pushes your ex further away.
For example, you may decide to “Unfriend” him just so that you can keep your sanity. But what if your boyfriend happens to be the oversensitive type?
Initially, he may harbor hopes of getting back together with you. But because you “Unfriend” him, he may think you have moved on and decided to move on too.
Just take a look at one of the comments I have gotten.
A few days ago, she told me that perhaps we could start again in the future. She said she still loves me but is just not ready for a serious relationship now. We are colleagues and still see each other at the workplace. She told a colleague that she has decided to move on because I unfriended her on FB and accepted a friend request from a girl. I only did so because I don’t want to see her updates on my wall every time I log in.
This is a comment by a guy (sometimes I do have guys leaving comments on my site) who is trying to get his girlfriend back.
He is not even trying to use Facebook to get her back. He “Unfriended” her simply because he wants to feel better by not seeing her post on his wall every day.
He also accepted a friend request from a girl who is just an ordinary friend. He has no intention of dating her. Yet his ex girlfriend has somehow decided to move on simply because of what he has done on Facebook.
You have to be really careful about what you are doing on Facebook if you want to get your ex boyfriend back. Do the wrong things and you will end up pushing your ex away. The best way to avoid these mistakes is probably to stay away from Facebook for the time being.
Facebook Is Not Designed To Get An Ex Back
No doubt, Facebook is probably one of the best inventions in modern time. It is a great tool for finding a long lost friend, keeping updated of your friends’ status and getting new customers for businesses.
However, it is not what you want to use to get your ex boyfriend back. The only exception is if you want to get your ex back after a year and you want to check whether he is in a relationship. And even then, the status you see on Facebook may not always be reliable. Some people just don’t update their Facebook status often and some people just like to put out a false front.
Facebook Tactics Are Often Based On Jealousy And Fear
Most probably, this is not the first “get your ex back with Facebook” article you are reading and probably the first that discourages you to do so.
The general advice is that you should change your profile photo, maybe take pictures with a guy in a way that will make your ex wonder whether you are together.
The idea here is to make your ex boyfriend jealous in a so called “subtle” way and hopefully, that will drive them crazy and make them chase after you. Unfortunately, for many women who try those methods, it backfires on them. After all, how subtle is subtle? How do you make sure that you don’t cross the line?
Unless you are a world class expert in playing this type of mind games, there is a very good chance that you will do the wrong things on Facebook. And let’s not forget that you are probably still quite emotional about your break up. That makes it easier for you to make all kinds of mistakes.
And then there are advice that encourages you to go for the extreme, telling you to unfriend your ex on Facebook. The idea behind this tactic is to play on the fear of your ex and hopefully, that will make him chase after you.
Do Those Tactics Work?
Sometimes, those tactics do work to help you get your ex back. But more often than not, the relationship will not last. After all, they are getting back together with you not because they really love you but for their own selfish reasons.
For example, a jealous boyfriend wants you back because he doesn’t want to lose to the other guy. But over time, if nothing has changed in your relationship, he will start to remember why he wants to break up with you in the first place. And before you know it, he is gone again.
When a relationship is all about tactics and mind games, it becomes what is known as the on-again, off-again relationship.
You Are Getting In Your Own Way For Healing
If you want to get your ex back, you need to give yourself the time and space to heal. Constantly checking your ex’s profile or trying to devise tactics to get your ex back on Facebook is going to stall your progress.
How are you going to heal when you are constantly worrying about whether your ex is responding to your Facebook tactics?
Do yourself a favor. For your own good, take a break from Facebook.
Look at the big picture. In the grand scheme of things, Facebook is probably not going to make a difference when it comes to getting an ex back.
You are going to get much better results by using the information I am going to share with you in my newsletter. So sign up for my newsletter below. Don’t waste time on Facebook tactics.
Now, the number one question you probably want to ask is this:
Can The Law Of Attraction Be Used To Get My Ex Boyfriend Back?
I am actually a bit hesitant to write about this topic because I may be accused of giving people false hope. After all, there is no way you can prove that The Law of Attraction works, not in a scientific manner anyway.
And it seems ridiculous in the first place. How can you get your boyfriend back just by sitting there and thinking that he will get back together with you?
But I still decided to write about this topic because I am currently conducting an experiment on myself. The truth is, I have heard about The Law of Attraction a few years ago but I never really put it into practice.
Using A Very Practical Approach For The Law Of Attraction
Now, I am a very practical person when it comes to LOA. Let me explain what I mean.
You see, when it comes to the Law of Attraction, people either believe it or they don’t. In fact, most people are probably somewhere in between.
If you happen to be a skeptic, all I can say is just keep an open mind. I will not try to convince you here because I know how hard it can be to change a person’s belief.
As I mentioned above, I am very practical about LOA.
I will just test it for a minimum of 6 months. If it works for me, I will just continue using it even if I don’t know why it works in the first place.
If it doesn’t work for me, I will simply discard it. It is as simple as that.
In my opinion, there is really no need to make things more complicated than they need to be.
Is The Law Of Attraction Scientific?
Some people will say that this Law of Attraction thingy is not scientific or is just pure superstition. Personally, I don’t care about the science behind it because I am not a scientist. Why not let the scientists worry about it?
For me, I am more interested to know whether LOA can improve my life. And for you, you are probably more interested to know whether LOA can help you get your ex back.
Let’s put it this way. I believe all of us here have suffered from a cough or sore throat in the past. Unless the condition is really serious, some people will probably choose to consume a home remedy that has always work for them, instead of visiting the doctor.
However, if you ask several doctors whether those home remedies work, you will probably hear a very standard answer such as, “it can be helpful but it is not scientifically proven”.
Now, let me ask you a few questions.
If a home remedy has been very effective in helping you relief your sore throat, will you stop consuming it simply because it is not scientifically proven?
Will you wait till it is scientifically proven before you consume it?
I am sure your answer will be no. You would rather relief your sore throat now instead of worrying about the science behind it.
Some people may say that it is just a psychological effect. Well, if that is the case, so be it. I am happy as long as it works for me.
Personally, I view science as a way to make sense of the world around us but it is definitely not the only way. Spirituality is another way.
I do not look at things in terms of scientific or non scientific. I prefer to look at things in terms of whether they are useful to me or not.
Alright, I think I am getting a bit carried away. You are here to learn how to get your ex boyfriend back, not to hear about my ramblings. So let’s get back to the main topic.
How To Get Your Ex Back Using The Law Of Attraction?
First, a big disclaimer here! I am not an expert in The Law of Attraction. In fact, I am testing it myself for a minimum of 6 months.
However, I think I have read enough books and done enough research on this topic to give you the information you need.
You can look at it this way. I am doing all the research for you so that you don’t have to.
We are going to go through 1 technique together. It is called Affirmations.
How To Use Affirmations To Get Your Boyfriend Back
An affirmation is simply a positive statement that you repeat to yourself over and over again. For example, if you have always lack confidence in yourself and want to become a more confident person, you can use an affirmation such as “I am getting more and more confident every day.”
The purpose behind this technique is to reprogram your subconscious mind to think more positively.
It is said that on average, a person will have tens of thousands of thoughts going through his/her mind. For most people, at least 90% of their thoughts will be negative.
According to The Law of Attraction, when you are thinking negative thoughts most of the time, you are going to attract negative events into your life.
That is why it is a good idea to use affirmations to consciously input positive thoughts into your subconscious mind so that you will start attracting positive events into your life.
There are a few ways you can go about this method.
You simply repeat the affirmation mentally to yourself. For example, if you are traveling to work using public transport, you are probably not too keen to repeat your affirmations verbally in case people think you are crazy.
Therefore, you can think about your affirmations mentally instead.
You simply say the affirmation out loud to yourself. It can also be helpful if you look into the mirror while saying the affirmation.
c. Hand Written
You can write the affirmation down. Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert comics, used to write his affirmation 15 times per day, for a minimum of 6 months. You can read more about his experience with affirmations here.
The 3 Rules Of Crafting The Perfect Affirmation
Rule 1: It Should Be Written In The Present Tense
Your affirmation should be written in the present tense. For example, if you want to become more confident, it is better to say “I am confident” instead of “I will be confident”.
When you say “I will be confident”, it is something that happen in the future. Therefore, you will always have to wait for the future before you can become confident. That is why it is better to write your affirmation in the present tense.
Rule 2: It Should Be Written In A Positive Format
Your affirmation should be written in a positive format. For example, you should say “I am confident” instead of “I am not insecure”.
This is because your subconscious mind cannot pick up the “not”. If you keep on repeating “I am not insecure”, your subconscious mind will interpret it as “I am insecure”, which defeat the purpose of the affirmation in the first place.
Therefore, always phrase your affirmation in a positive manner. Avoid using negative words.
Rule 3: It Should Be Believable (Optional)
I put this as optional because it is not always easy to come up with an affirmation that is believable. In fact, John Kehoe, who is a pioneer in the field of Mind Power, says that it is not necessary to believe in your affirmation in order for it to work.
What you should do instead, is to keep on repeating the affirmation to yourself even if you don’t believe it initially. When repeated enough times, the subconscious mind will eventually accept the new message and start to believe it.
In fact, forcing yourself to believe in your affirmation is often counter productive.
Of course, if possible, it doesn’t hurt to be able to come up with an affirmation that is believable. For the 2 rules above, we are using this affirmation “I am confident”.
According to some experts, this is not even the best affirmation. It can be better. Why is that so?
Well, when you say “I am confident”, you probably don’t believe yourself if you always have a problem with your confidence. Therefore, your subconscious mind may resist the message.
A much better affirmation will be something like “I am getting more and more confident everyday”.
This is definitely more believable and therefore more likely to be accepted by your subconscious mind.
As long as you are consistently doing something to improve your confidence, even if it is just by 0.1%, the affirmation will be believable.
But always remember, this is optional.
Affirmations You Should Never Use To Get Your Ex Back
Before you try to use affirmations to get your boyfriend back, it is important to understand that a healthy relationship is not about manipulation.
You may be tempted to use an affirmation such as “Mark is taking me back” or “Mark is begging me to take him back”.
Well, that is definitely not a good idea. To a certain extent, it can even be considered as a form of manipulation.
More importantly, you need to look at the kind of mindset you are adopting when you are using this type of affirmation. It basically screams “desperation”.
When you are in the state of desperation, The Law of Attraction is probably going to work against you.
A much better affirmation will be something like “I am attracting the right man into my life.”
How To Craft The Perfect Affirmation To Get Your Ex Back
In order to craft the perfect affirmation to get your ex back, other than following the rules recommended above, you are also encouraged to do a little bit of self reflection.
For example, if your ex break up with you because you were too desperate or clingy, a possible affirmation you can use is “I am a confident and secure woman.”
After all, your ex is unlikely to get back together with you if you are still the same old person. Therefore, the affirmation is meant to help you get rid of desperation.
You should also spend some time thinking about what you want in a relationship. For example, if you are the one who broke up with your ex because he is spending too much time at work and you feel neglected, you can say “My soul mate and I love spending quality time together.”
Using this affirmation, there are 2 possible scenarios.
Scenario 1: You manage to attract your ex back and this time round, he realizes how important you are and treat you as a priority in his life.
Scenario 2: You attract a new person into your life who simply can’t get enough of you.
Now, we need to talk about scenario 2 a little bit.
I know your intention is probably to get your ex back. You have no intention to attract a new partner. However, it is a good idea to keep your option open.
After all, your ex may not necessary be the best partner for you, even if you think he is. That is why I told you not to use affirmation such as “Mark is begging me to take him back.” It is simply not a good idea to attract the wrong person back into your life.
Consistency Is The Key
In order for affirmations to work, consistency is the key. It is better to do it for 5 minutes every single day rather than to do it for 10 hours in one day and skip the rest of the week.
It is just like brushing your teeth. Most people probably brush their teeth twice per day, taking a few minutes each time. They don’t spend hours brushing their teeth in one day and don’t do it for the next six days.
When it comes to timing, different people seem to have different opinion on this.
For example, in his book Mind Power Into The 21st Century, John Kehoe recommends doing a 5 to 10 minute session everyday for 30 to 90 days.
Scott Adams recommends writing down your affirmation 15 times everyday, for a minimum of 6 months.
Based on the 2 recommendations above, you can decide how much time you want to spend on affirmations. You can choose to follow one of them or you can even incorporate both of their practices.
For example, writing down your affirmation for 15 times may take you about 5 minutes. You can also consider spending another 5 minutes to speak out your affirmation in front of the mirror.
Don’t Overdo It
As mentioned above, consistency is the key. Don’t overdo it in the beginning.
For example, some people may get so excited that they do it for 30 minutes everyday for the first week. After the first week, they are no longer so enthusiastic and they stop doing it. This defeat the purpose.
I realized that people who get too excited in the beginning usually fizzle out way before the objective is achieved.
Don’t make the same mistake!
Give Yourself The Best Chance For Success
The Law of Attraction or affirmations should not be treated as magic. Don’t make the mistakes of thinking that all you need to do is to repeat your affirmations everyday and your ex will automatically come back to you.
You still need to take some action. For example, if you have been neglecting your physical appearance, it is time to do something about it. I am not trying to be shallow here but men are visual creatures after all.
All things being equal, your chances of getting your boyfriend back is going to be higher if you look much better than before the breakup.
Look at it this way, if you really want to get your boyfriend back, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes, as long as it is not manipulative and you think your boyfriend is worth the effort.
Did the law of attraction bring you here? If that is the case, sign up for my newsletter below! Who knows? With the information I share with you inside, you may be able to activate the law of attraction faster.