I wanted to say I absolutely love this article. It makes perfect sense! I realize it’s important to take things slow when getting my ex back but what would you say is a reasonable time frame? 3 months?
Right after the breakup, I started the no contact rule and it’s day 26. I feel pretty good because of it and I’ve really started to work on myself.
When you said you shouldn’t reach out to your ex until you’ve changed, does that mean I shouldn’t reach out to him in about a week when I’m still not 100% where I want to be? I’d say I’m 70% ready.
Also, he lives 5 hour drive from me so what would be some tips for a long distance breakup?
Thank you so much!
There are 3 main questions you are asking here.
1. How long does it take to get my ex back?
2. When should I reach out to my ex?
3. What are some tips for a long distance relationship?
I think out of these 3 questions, the second question is the most important, so I will spend more time answering it.
But I will still quickly touch on the other two questions.
Let’s start with the first question.
How Long Does It Take to Get My Ex Back?
This topic is actually worth an article by itself. So I will probably write one in the near future. But to give you a quick answer, I would say a realistic time frame is around 5 to 6 months.
How did I arrive at this figure?
Well, based on the success stories I have received from my subscribers so far, like the one you see in the screenshot below. It took Boonyi 6 months and a half to get her ex back.
Does it mean you will also take 5 to 6 months to get your ex boyfriend back?
Well maybe, maybe not.
Some people may take 3 months, some people may take more than 2 years. There are so many factors that can influence the time it takes.
Like I mentioned, I am going to write a longer and more detailed article on this topic, hopefully within the next 2 weeks. So you can come back to this website later if you are interested.
With that said, I think one major factor that will affect how long it takes for you to get your ex back is how you do no contact. So let’s answer the next question.
When Should I Reach Out To My Ex?
I am going to start with an analogy.
Let say one of your goals is to take part in a triathlon. You are not even trying to win. You just want to complete it.
But here’s the problem.
You can barely cycle which means it is going to very dangerous for you to navigate rough and uneven terrain.
You can’t really swim, which means you may actually drown.
You have also been a couch potato for a really long time. So even without cycling and swimming, you are just not fit enough to complete the running part.
So obviously, you shouldn’t be taking part now. Instead, you need to start improving your overall fitness. Most important of all, you need to learn how to cycle and swim.
Do you have to be as fit as a world class athlete before you compete in the triathlon?
Of course not!
However, at the minimum, you need to make sure you are fit enough to complete the whole journey and your cycling and swimming skill is good enough so that you won’t injure yourself or drown.
Getting Your Ex Back Is Like Competing In A Triathlon
There is a very specific reason why I use triathlon as an analogy for getting your ex back instead of just a marathon.
If you want to complete a marathon, you can just focus on your physical fitness and that should be enough. After all, it is just running and you are not even trying to win.
However, physical fitness alone is not enough for a triathlon, for very obvious reasons.
If you can’t cycle, maybe you can still compensate with your physical fitness by carrying the bicycle all the way. But why would you want to torture yourself that way?
If you can’t swim, no amount of physical fitness is going to compensate for it.
A Lot Of People Treat Getting Your Ex Back Like A Marathon
Basically, they just work on healing and doing things they enjoy during no contact.
By the way, I am NOT saying you should not do them. In fact, you should. Healing is very important.
I am just saying that doing those things only is probably not enough.
It is just like a triathlon. Yes, physical fitness is important but it is not enough. You still need to work on your cycling and swimming skill.
So I will suggest that you don’t just work on healing. Yes, your emotional health is very important. However, on top of that, you should also consider learning new relationship skills. Having these skills will help you when you encounter difficult situation with your ex.
Why Did I Spend So Much Time With An Analogy
Perhaps you are wondering why I spend so much time with the analogy. Why don’t I just get straight to the point and just tell you that you need to learn new relationship skills.
Well, I have my reasons for doing so.
You see, when I talk about cycling or swimming, you can easily understand that they are skills that need to be acquired.
You don’t just read an article or watch a video online and suddenly you know how to swim or cycle.
You actually need to spend time on the bicycle and in the pool to pick up those skills. You probably need some guidance as well.
But when it comes to relationship, most people have the tendency to think they can just read an article about relationship skills and then suddenly, they have the skills.
Unfortunately, that is probably not going to happen.
You actually need to spend time honing the skills with real people before you use them on your ex.
So you need to be honest and real with yourself. Have you developed new relationships skills?
Most get your ex back “experts” only teach you to heal and “work on yourself”. Usually, when they say “work on yourself”, they are just talking about doing the things you enjoy, or learning some new skills that doesn’t really help you get your ex back (example: learning a foreign language).
There are very few experts that talk about the importance of learning new relationship skills.
So it is not your fault if you are just focusing on healing and “working on yourself”. But now that you know the importance of these relationship skills, it is time for you to start taking them more seriously.
But What Relationship Skills Should I Learn?
Well, this article is getting pretty long, so I shall not go into details here.
Instead, here are 3 free resources that can help you.
1. You can read this article I have written: What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Back
In the article, I mentioned a few important skills that you should consider cultivating.
2. My Newsletter
In my newsletter, I try to equip you with the foundational knowledge of getting your ex back within your first 14 days of signing up. I also talked about the important relationship skills from time to time.
3. Newsletter by a Very Knowledgeable Breakup Expert
I have actually studied a lot of materials by many breakup “experts”.
Unfortunately, most of them are quite disappointing. They only cover very surface level, or tactical stuff.
Personally, I am a big believer of “Principles over Tactics.” (I will probably write an article about this topic in the future.)
Principles give you long lasting results. Tactics give you quick results that may or may not last and may actually backfire on you.
He is one of the few experts that teaches sound principles for getting your ex back.
He is also one of the few experts that teaches real relationship skills instead of ninja tactics.
So When Should You Reach Out to Your Ex?
Do you have to wait until you are 100% where you want to be?
In my opinion, I don’t think we will ever be 100% where we want to be.
For example, you will always think you are not 100% ready to start that dream business. With that said, you shouldn’t just quit your job and jump into business without at least six months of savings.
Like what I mentioned above, you don’t have to be as fit as a world class athlete to take part in a triathlon. You just need to be fit enough.
So you need to make sure you are in a good place emotionally before you reach out to your ex.
In addition, it is highly recommended that you have a certain degree of competency in the important relationship skills.
Just like in a triathlon, you don’t have to be a world class swimmer or cyclist. But at least, you do need to have decent swimming and cycling skills.
Any Tips For a Long Distance Relationship?
Well, here are some tips that I hope will be helpful to you.
First, it is worth mentioning that a lot of the things you will learn in the resources I recommended to you above are applicable regardless of the distance. It is all about how you apply them to your situation.
For example, skills such as awareness, acceptance, communication, empathy etc are relevant whether you are talking to each other through text message, the phone, Skype or face to face.
I also understand that meeting each other regularly is a challenge for a long distance relationship. So it is going to be even more challenging after a breakup.
That’s why it is important to manage your expectation. If he doesn’t want to meet you, don’t take it too personally. Continue applying the skills you have learned in whatever communication channel you are using with him.
Sometimes, you need to be creative in order to meet him face to face. For example, maybe you happen to have an event that is sort of half way between you and his home. You can always invite him.
But only invite him if you are ok with him turning you down. It is alright to feel a little bit disappointed. However, if you are totally crushed when he rejects you, you are probably not ready to meet him face to face yet.
Also, you should only attend an event if it is something you are really interested in. It shouldn’t be just for the sake of meeting him. This is more of a mindset you want to adopt.
When you have the right mindset, it will tend to permeate through your communication with him and he will probably be able sense it. This will make him more eager to meet you face to face.
Don’t Try To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You
I know you are here to learn how to make your ex boyfriend miss you like crazy and want you back. But I am here to tell you not to do it.
And there are 3 very good reasons.
First, I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself.
Second, even if you don’t try to make your ex boyfriend miss you, he may still miss you.
Third, just because he misses you doesn’t mean he want to get back together with you.
I know all these may sound confusing to you right now. So let me explain in more details below.
If you have read the other articles on my site, you will know that I discourage my readers from playing mind games and using manipulation tactics to save a relationship.
So the purpose of this article is the same. My hope is to lead you away from playing manipulative mind games that can end up hurting yourself and your relationship.
The Myth Of Using No Contact To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You
Before writing this article, I have actually done quite a bit of research on this topic. Basically, I was just curious. I want to see what other relationship experts were saying.
Guess what I see?
I think you probably know the answer already. 90% of the sites I came across were recommending “The No Contact Rule” to get your ex boyfriend to miss you.
Well, let me tell you the truth.
There is no way you can control when your ex will start to yearn for you. Some people will take a very long time before they start missing their ex, maybe a minimum of 6 months.
Unless you enjoy playing the waiting game, it is probably not a very smart way to get your ex back.
Now of course, there will be people who will start missing their ex after a short period of no contact. So maybe your ex will really start to miss you after around one month.
But there is a question I want to ask you. If your ex really started to miss you, what are you going to do next in order to get back together with him?
There is a reason why I am asking you this question.
You see, a lot of people seem to have this misconception that all it takes for you to get your ex boyfriend back is to make him miss you. People seem to forget that there is a reason for breaking up in the first place.
Even if your ex boyfriend really decided to get back together with you because he misses you, eventually, he is going to leave you again if he realizes that nothing has changed in the relationship and the same old problems are still there.
I suggest that you read this article “What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back“. Don’t just rely on the passive approach of doing nothing during no contact and expecting that it will miraculously save your relationship when he starts thinking about you. That’s not going to work in a million years.
I know this may not be what you want to hear but I am not here to sugarcoat things. I just want to point out the various possibilities to you so that while you are hoping for the best, you are prepared for the worst as well. At least when things don’t go your way, you will not feel so upset.
Your Boyfriend May or May Not Want to Get Back Together With You
Let’s try to keep things simple here.
I know relationships can be complicated. Maybe your boyfriend wants you back. Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he is not sure what he wants right now. Or maybe he will change his mind sooner or later.
But to keep things simple, let us just stick to 2 possibilities.
1. He doesn’t want to get back together.
If your boyfriend has no intention to get back into the relationship, you can use no contact on him for as long as you want and that is not going to make him miss you. In fact, it will help him to forget about you.
Sure, he may think of you from time to time but that is probably not what you are hoping for.
2. He wants to get back together.
If he wants you back, no contact will probably work on him. He will probably start to miss you.
What I am trying to say here is that no contact does not work 100% of the time. There is no easy way for you to know whether your boyfriend has started to miss you.
Also, as mentioned earlier, there is no point getting him back if it is still the same old relationship because he will probably leave you again soon.
The Purpose Of No Contact Is Not To Make Him Miss You
In the first place, no contact is not meant to be used as a tactic to get your ex boyfriend to miss you. NC is supposed to be used purely as a tool for healing. This is because most people will be very emotional just after a break up. Dealing with an ex during this period of time is not going to make the situation better and may even make the situation worse.
Of course, it is very possible that your boyfriend will start missing you after a few weeks of no contact. But as mentioned above, it can also go the other way.
You Will Be The One Getting Hurt If You Resort To Mind Games
You may not like what I am going to say but I am still going to say it.
If you are trying to make your ex boyfriend miss you by using no contact, you are actually playing a mind game, whether you are aware of it or not.
You are actually trying to manipulate your boyfriend. You are actually trying to play with his feelings.
When you are playing this type of mind games, it is going to cause you a lot of mental sufferings. Why is that so?
Well, because in your mind, you will keep on asking yourself whether your boyfriend has started to miss you. You will keep on asking yourself whether the no contact is working. Unfortunately, you do not know the answer.
You see. No contact is supposed to be used as a tool for healing. When you keep on asking yourself whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, how are you going to heal? You are just going to feel worse with all these internal dialogue going on in your head.
That is why I never encourage people to use no contact to get an ex back or to make an ex miss you. No contact is all about you. It is never about your ex.
Your Mindset Makes A Big Difference!
Now, I want to make sure that you understand this very clearly.
There is nothing wrong with No Contact. It is how you use No Contact that makes the difference! It is your mindet that makes the difference!
If you are simply using No contact to heal yourself and recover from the break up without worrying about whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, you are going to feel so much better. In this case, you are not playing games.
If you are using No contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you, you are trying to play games. Because of that, you will find it hard to calm your mind down. Now, your own mind is playing games with you. You are always wondering whether he is missing you and just that thought alone will make you nervous.
Can you see the difference now?
It is the exactly the same No Contact.
But your mindset is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or worse.
Your Boyfriend May Start To Miss You Without You Doing Anything
At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that your boyfriend may start to miss you even if you don’t try to make him miss you.
That is based on the assumption that he still wants you back.
So if you are using No Contact for the right purpose, which is to heal yourself, you may be happy to find that your boyfriend has started to miss after after these few weeks of no contact, especially if you want him back too.
And because you have used No Contact for the right purpose, you are starting to feel better. You have a clearer mind. You will be in a much better position to connect with your boyfriend.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend has no intention to get back with you in the first place, no amount of no contact is going to make him miss you.
In this case, if you are using No Contact for the wrong purpose of making him miss you, you are just wasting your time, not to mention that you will probably feel worse when you realize that No Contact is not working.
Missing You Does Not Mean Want You Back
I find it really weird when some “relationship gurus” say that in order to get your ex back, you need to make him miss you.
Nothing is further from the truth.
There are a few key areas you need to focus on in order to save your relationship. I talked about them in this article. Making your ex boyfriend miss you is definitely not one of them.
After all, just because your ex misses you doesn’t mean he want you back.
Don’t believe me? It is very easy to prove.
If you have been in several relationships in the past, I am sure there are some exes that you do miss from time to time. However, you have absolutely no intention of getting back together with them. In fact, you probably don’t entertain the thought of having a relationship with them again in the future.
There are also many reasons why your ex may start missing you. Maybe he misses the friendship. Or maybe he misses the sex. So if you invite him for a booty call, he will say yes. Committed relationship? No way!
The point I want to drive across to you is this.
You are here probably because you want your ex back. And I am here to tell you that making your ex miss you is the wrong strategy to focus on. You are going to learn a much better approach to get your ex back when you sign up for my newsletter below.
Don’t Get Involved In Their Games
I am guessing that you do not believe in mind games in the first place. Unfortunately, there are so many websites that encourages people to play mind games or use psychological tactics to get an ex back.
Hopefully, you will not get involved in those games. Even if those mind games do work in the short run and help you get your boyfriend back, they won’t help you get to the root of the problems in your relationship.
While I was conducting my research on this topic, I saw so many people posting in various forums, saying that no contact has helped them got their ex back. But you know what? Within a short period of time, they broke up again.
Playing games is definitely not going to help anyone build a long lasting and loving relationship!
Don’t play mind games and use ineffective strategies to get your ex back. You will end up wasting a few months without seeing any result.
If you want to learn the correct strategies to focus on so that you can actually start seeing progress and get your ex back faster, you can sign up for my newsletter below.
The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work For Everyone
The no contact rule has been overhyped by many relationship websites. It makes people think that no contact is the magic pill that will help everyone get their ex back regardless of the situation.
Unfortunately, nothing is further from the truth. If one person in the relationship has already decided to move on for good, no amount of no contact is going to work.
It doesn’t matter whether one implement n.c. for 30 days, 60 days or even 90 days. It is not going to work for a dysfunctional relationship whether you try it the first, second or even the third time.
Why Does The No Contact Rule Work For Some People?
You have probably heard of people saying things like, “No Contact Worked For Me!” Therefore, they assume that no contact is going to work for everyone.
But you need to understand that every relationship is different. Just because the no contact rule is working for some people doesn’t mean it is going to work for everyone.
Here is why no contact works for some people:
Consider a couple who have decided to break up. They are feeling all kinds of emotions, anger and hurt. Then they went into no contact mode for an extended period of time.
This allows them to heal their emotions, anger and hurt. Because of the time apart, they have enough time to think about their relationship and realize how much they miss each other and how much they still love one another.
Therefore, they decided to get back together and work on the relationship again. That is why the no contact rule is so effective for them.
Why The No Contact Rule Is Not Working For Others?
Consider the above example again. As mentioned above, time apart can help people see things more clearly.
So the no contact has helped them realize that they are not compatible with each other and the relationship is not going to work. They realize that it is probably better to move on.
In this scenario, the no contact rule clearly doesn’t work.
In other words, cutting off contact with your ex can go either way. Either you get your ex back or your don’t. It depends on the situation.
The No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
I decided to write this article to give you more information, specifically what are the positive and negative consequences of using the no contact rule on your ex. After all, I want to help you make an informed decision.
After seeing so many dangerous, and often silly advice when it comes to using the “no contact rule” , I think it is important for you to see a more complete picture.
So What Exactly Is The No Contact Rule?
I am assuming that this is not the first article you have read about the no contact rule. So you are probably quite familiar with this term. But for the benefit of those who don’t, here is what it means.
According to many “relationship experts” on the internet, the no contact rule (also known as N.C.) simply means cutting off all contact with your ex for at least 30 days. In a nutshell, it means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no Facebook messages and no meetups.
There are a few exceptions when total NC is impossible.
a. You have kids with your ex.
b. Both of you are living in the same place.
c. You are colleagues, classmates or simply attending the same college.
d. You have important stuff at your ex home and you need to retrieve it or vice versa.
For these special situations, the general recommendation is to keep in limited contact. Basically, what it means is that you shouldn’t be nasty and totally ignore your ex. Just be polite but don’t go into deep conversation or talk about your break up.
Some “relationship experts” even try to take it further. They say that you should not reply your ex if they contact you first within the 30 days period. And that is where things become ridiculous.
If you really take this approach of completely ignoring your ex, it can permanently damage your relationship. (I will talk more about this below, under the consequences section.)
Am I Against The No Contact Rule?
If you have read this far, you are probably thinking that I disagree with NC.
Let’s make this clear!
I am not against NC. In fact, I believe that NC, when used correctly, with the right mindset, is the most important step to healing yourself or even getting your ex back.
Here is what I am against.
I am against Manipulation, Playing Mind Games and Dirty Psychological Tactics!
The Principle Of Relationship Will Never Change!
I am only thirty one this year. I don’t have years of wisdom to impart to you. And I certainly don’t consider myself to be a relationship expert or guru.
But there is no need to be a relationship guru or wise old man or woman to understand that relationship is not about playing games or silly manipulation.
The way we communicate can change based on existing technologies. But the principle of relationship will never change! It is based on love!
So if some “relationship experts” are teaching you to play manipulative mind games in order to get your ex back, think again! If your intuition is telling you that this is the wrong thing to do and is not going to work for your relationship, you are probably right.
The Right And Wrong Way To Use No Contact
Before we go into the consequences, it is important to talk about the right and wrong way to use No Contact.
After all, if you use no contact the right way, you are more likely to experience positive consequences.
If you use no contact the wrong way, you are more likely to experience negative consequences.
The Right Way
The right way to use no contact is to focus on yourself. It is all about healing yourself. It is all about giving yourself the time and space to recover from a breakup.
Not just that. It is also a time for personal development, especially the internal aspect like what I discussed in this article.
The Wrong Way
If you are trying to use no contact to elicit a response from your boyfriend, such as making him miss you, or making him afraid to lose you, you are doing it wrong.
In fact, I have written an article about why you should not use the no contact rule to make your ex miss you. I encourage you to read this article if you want to avoid unnecessary sufferings.
What Is The Difference Between The Right and Wrong Way?
The main difference is your mindset. And that is huge!
It is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or suffer throughout the period of no contact.
For example, if you often find yourself saying “No contact is so hard! It is killing me!”, then you are probably using it the wrong way.
When you are focusing on getting your ex boyfriend to miss you, your mind will keep on thinking about your ex boyfriend. You will keep on wondering whether your ex boyfriend is missing you but you don’t know the answer.
It is going to become a guessing game. This is going to be a mental torture for you, which is not the purpose of no contact in the first place. It is supposed to help you heal and feel better about yourself.
Don’t Use The Word “Rule” On “No Contact”
To be frank, I don’t really like to use the word “rule” with “no contact”.
Since when did no contact become a rule? Who invented it?
“Rule” Makes Things More Complicated Than It Needs To Be
Usually, having a set of rules do help to keep things simple. For example, we follow traffic rules to make sure we are safe on the road. In this case, traffic rules are necessary to keep the roads in order.
However, it doesn’t make sense to have a rule for no contact. Every relationship is unique and you just can’t impose a rule on a relationship.
Typically, most relationship experts recommend at least 30 days of no contact. As if this is not confusing enough, some experts even decided to throw in different numbers such as 21, 31, 45, 60 or even 90 days.
No wonder so many people are confused about no contact.
One rule is already making things more complicated. With so many different rules, things become more complicated than ever.
No contact is suppose to be a very simple concept. After a breakup, you feel emotional. You are upset and you can’t think clearly. The best way to recover and heal yourself is through no contact.
Once you truly feel better, you can consider contacting your ex, even if it happens to be the 19th day.
This is based more on how you feel rather than the number of days. Don’t get bogged down by those artificial numbers.
“Rule” Makes People Play All Kinds Of Mind Games
The way most experts teach no contact rule is based on playing games. Basically, to get your boyfriend to panic or to get him to start missing you.
That is probably where the rule and all the artificial numbers come into place. “Don’t contact him for 30 days and he will come crawling to you, begging you to take him back.” Sounds familiar?
If you are not playing this type of mind games, you don’t have to follow any rules. You simply allow yourself to heal and once you feel ready to face your boyfriend again, you can contact him if you still hope to get back together with him.
“Rule” Makes People Nervous
Attaching the word “rule” to no contact makes a lot of people nervous. I see so many people afraid of breaking the no contact rule.
Here are some common responses I see on the internet.
“Please help! My boyfriend text me yesterday! Should I reply now? Am I breaking the no contact rule if I reply? Should I reply him after the no contact?”
“I think I broke the no contact rule by talking to him yesterday! Should I restart the no contact rule again?”
As mentioned, you cannot impose a rule on a relationship. Every relationship is different. Just because you follow the rule and ignore your ex for a full 30 days will not guarantee that you will get him back. In fact, if you actually follow the rule, ignore him and don’t reply back, it can backfire.
The Consequences Of Using The No Contact Rule
As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, everything you do in life has a consequence. This includes the use of the no contact rule to get your boyfriend back.
Obviously, the consequences are either positive or negative.
Right now, you may think that getting your boyfriend back is positive while not getting him back is negative.
Well, it is not as simple as that. Getting your boyfriend back is not necessary a good thing. Not getting him back is not necessary a bad thing either.
For now, let’s try to keep things as simple as possible. In general, there are four possible scenarios that can result from the use of NC. Two are positives and two are negatives.
Here are the 4 possible scenarios:
1. You got your boyfriend back and you are happy. (positive)
You are using the no contact rule the right way. You are just trying to heal yourself. You are not using the no contact rule to play games with your ex. You are not using NC to make your ex miss you.
After some time, you feel so much happier. You have a clearer mind. You followed a proper plan to get your ex back without playing games and manipulation. With a happier and clearer mind, you put yourself in the right position to work on the root cause of your break up.
As a result, your relationship with your boyfriend improved. Both of you are back together and you are happy.
2. You didn’t get your boyfriend back but you are still happy. (positive)
Just like scenario 1, you are not trying to play game with the no contact rule. You are just trying to make yourself feel better. After a few weeks, with a clearer mind, you realized that you can be happy by yourself.
Although you didn’t get your boyfriend back, you are still happy because you realized that you don’t need him after all. You don’t even want to get back together anymore.
3. You got your boyfriend back but you are not happy. (negative)
Chances are you are using NC as a manipulation tactic, hoping that he will start to miss you. It works in the short run. You and your boyfriend did get back together.
However, you did not deal with the root cause of the break up. If that is the case, it is only a matter of time before the same issues arise again. As a result, the break up may happen again. That is probably why there are so many couples who are breaking up and getting back together again and again.
4. You didn’t get your boyfriend back and you are not happy. (negative)
This can happen if you take the no contact rule too far. Perhaps your boyfriend contacted you within the first 30 days of the no contact period.
Because some “relationship experts” say that you should ignore your ex during the first 30 days, even if they contacted you first, you decided not to reply your ex.
As a result, your ex has the impression that you have moved on and decided to give up on this relationship. Or your ex may think that you are playing games with him and feels angry. Now, he doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore.
Or maybe he decided to use no contact on you as well. Now, both of you are playing games with each other. How long will this game last? Well, who knows?
Can you see the danger of playing the no contact game now?
How To Get Positive Results And Avoid Negative Ones
As mentioned above, there are 2 positive scenarios and 2 negative ones. In general, the correct use of NC are more likely to bring you positive results. The wrong use of NC such as trying to play games or manipulating your ex will often bring negative results.
The Only Reason To Use No Contact
Many “relationship experts” recommend the use of no contact because it is a great way to make your ex miss you.
While it is possible that your ex may start missing you during the no contact period, this should never be your primary reason for using NC.
NC should only be used as a tool for healing and improving yourself. It is meant to give yourself the time to calm down. It is meant to give you the opportunity to reflect on your relationship. It is meant for you to work on yourself.
After all, you can’t get your ex back when you are too emotional. NC gives you the mental clarity to deal with the problems in your relationship. With mental clarity, you are more likely to make better decision.
I first wrote this article more than 2 years ago. Over this period of time, I have encountered many interesting questions about the no contact rule.
So I think now is probably a good time for me to update this article by answering a few of these questions.
I do intend to update this article with more questions over time. Let’s start with three for now.
If you have any questions that are specifically related to the no contact rule, that are not already answered in this article, feel free to leave your questions in the comment below.
Q: Who Should Break The No Contact Rule – Dumper or Dumpee?
A: It doesn’t matter whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. If you are the one who wants your ex back, you have to be the one taking the initiative to contact your ex.
Ultimately, if no one takes the initiative to reach out first, then you can forget about getting back together.
I know some people may not like this answer, especially for the dumpees.
Why should I reach out first? He was the one who dumped me!
Well, if this is your reaction, then I need to ask you:
Pride more important or relationship more important?
In fact, if you are still feeling anger over your breakup, then you are not ready to save your relationship.
Maybe you shouldn’t reach out to your ex yet.
Also, worth mentioning are the labels “dumper” and “dumpee”.
How do these labels make you feel?
When you label your ex as a dumper, does that help you understand your ex more?
Does it inspire you to use empathy on your ex? Or does it cause you to see your ex as someone who is a “jerk”?
When you label yourself as the “dumpee”, does it empower you? Or makes you feel powerless like a victim?
If not for the sake of answering this question, I wouldn’t want to use these labels. I suggest you drop them too.
Q: Does No Contact Work On A Stubborn Ex?
A: Once again, don’t you think “stubborn” is another label?
If you see your ex as stubborn, how do you think that is going to affect the way you communicate with your ex?
Don’t you think that will become a self fulfilling prophecy?
You see, usually when people say their ex is stubborn, it is usually because they are frustrated. They just couldn’t get through to their ex.
Maybe it is more constructive to look at yourself?
Are you trying to force your will onto your ex?
Did you put yourself in the shoes of your ex?
How about changing the way you communicate with your ex so that you can finally get through to them.
Maybe it is time for you to upgrade your communication skills?
Put it this way. If you keep on using the same old methods that don’t work, don’t you think you are more stubborn than your ex?
I don’t know about you but I think this is certainly something worth reflecting on.
Q: How Does The No Contact Rule Work On A Scorpio Man?
A: This is a very interesting question.
You have to understand that getting your ex back is not about saving the old relationship. It is about creating a new and better relationship with your ex.
It is about rediscovering each other all over again. If you are doing it right, you will probably discover new things you never knew about your ex.
So in my opinion, I don’t think labeling your ex as “Scorpio” is a very constructive approach. When you see your ex as a Scorpio man, you already have a preconceived notion of who he is, which may not necessary be true.
You stopped being curious about who your ex really is and you will lose the opportunity to learn more about him.
After all, you can put 10 Scorpio men in a single room. I am pretty sure each of them will have their own unique personality, different likes and dislikes etc.
Obviously, my answer will be the same for other astrological signs, whether it is Capricorn, Gemini or Sagittarius.
I am Sagittarius by the way and I do have other Sagittarius friends who are completely different from me.
So don’t spend too much time on astrology. It will be more practical if you focus on developing your relationship skills.
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