Do You Have The Right Mindset To Get Your Ex Back?

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sara

Mark,
I just need to think with someone. I have started talking to and “dating” my ex again. This is all new to me and I get confused at times because he says he wants to try and acts like it when I am with him. For example, he touches me and calls me babe then smiles a lot. Then, when we’re not together he doesn’t reach out often and seems distant. Though, this is just probably my mind thinking we should be back in the relationship when he’s not ready. What do you think?

Mark

First, I think you should congratulate yourself for having coming this far. I remember a few months ago you were still on a break? So at least there is some progress here. At least you have overcome the wall of reactance.

Now, what you need is a little bit of patience. After all, there are 5 stages of getting your ex back. I suspect you are now somewhere in Phase 2: Test Drive Phase.

So at this stage, you still want to tread very carefully. Don’t push too fast. Don’t talk about the relationship or getting back together. It is too early to have this type of conversation now. Otherwise, he may go back into Phase 1: Wall of Reactance again.

My suggestion is you just enjoy your time with him. Don’t be in a hurry to get back together with him. Treat this as a journey, not a destination. Make your time together count. Flirt with him. Have fun. Throw all your worries away. Allow him to fall in love with you again without any pressure on him. Take it one stage at a time.

I think you have been in ESP for a few months now? Did you post your story in the forum there? I believe the coaches there will be able to give you more tips on how to handle your situation.

jean

Hi Mark,

It’s been a little over a month since my ex broke things off. We’d been dating for 2 years, and it was just in the last few months he found himself unhappy. We’ve seen each other 3 times since the breakup, and each time he seemed so uncertain about his choice. I can tell he still cares. He said he expected to feel relief when he left, but he didn’t feel any. I think he is doubting his choice, but also has doubts about trying again incase it doesn’t work.

I am still in love with him. We decided to take a month with no contact to sort out our feelings on our own. I am trying to really work on my mindset right now. I do not want to come off as ‘desperate’ or seem like I’m trying to talk him back into trying again. It’s only been a week, so I still have 3 to go, but I am unsure of when we meet how things will go down. I have a strong feeling that we will have a long drawn out convo about how we really still care about each other, and then sit there confused about what to do.

After dating for 2 years, and living together for 7 months, how would we go about trying again? Do we date?
I know moving back in together would probably be a terrible idea. I just don’t know how to slowly try to get him to love me again, the way I love him. I think he’s just confused about his life, and things the problem was us.

Any advice you could give would be much appreciated :)
Thanks!

Mark

This is your situation now. He is still in love with you but he is hesitant to get back together with you because he is afraid that he will end up in the same situation and break up again.

So what you need to do is to remove his doubts. Show him that the relationship will be different and better this time round. Of course, this is not going to happen overnight. It takes time.

The key to doing so is to be able to consistently interact with him in a way that makes him feel good. Every time he interacts with you and it feels good, it will make him want to spend more time with you. Of course, before you are able to do that, you need to be emotionally strong yourself. Otherwise, you won’t be able to pull it off.

I suggest that you practise the skills mentioned in this article. This will help you heal faster and improve your emotional strength. Only contact him when you are emotionally ready.

Also, you should avoid having a long drawn out conversation about your relationship on the first meeting. That is probably the worst thing to do when you are trying to get your ex back. It brings out all the negative feelings, which will push your ex boyfriend further away. Did he tell you why he was unhappy? Or do you know why?

emma

Hi Mark,

This is Emma again, I have wrote to you one month ago under another article “2nd chance to get ex back”,but I cannot find that article in the category anymore so I write here to follow up with you.

We have been to London and everything goes all right, even we talked about plans in summer and future, everything gave me the illusion that we are together again. But eventually it was ruined by myself because I still was too hurry, and I was confused if we are together, of course we are not, so I got frustrated again, I’m sorry that I forgot your advice last time…One week after our trip, I talked with him and wanted him to go further with me, actually in the beginning he agreed to go further step such as visiting me bit more often, but when he mentioned “you should not call me many times in one evening which is not good”, I was exploded and reacted on him very badly, and I pushed him to give me a decision in that weekend. Still that’s not the worst part, I pushed him two days after the last conversation, and pushed him to give me the decision, that we should just better move on our way but not go for us anymore. He told me that he likes me very much and still has some feeling, but he really cannot find back the feeling for relationship again in short time, and now he doesnt want to take this time, he thinks it’s very difficult for me, so he doesnt want to progress in this direction anymore. He said we still can do many things together as friends.

On last Sunday, I made a new decision with him that, we will meet last time again in the next weekend to finish the plans we made before, but after the last meeting, we will not contact each other anymore， only in case that he really misses me very very much so that he wants me back and wants to try relationship again. We agreed on it. So this weekend we will meet each other the last time.

I know now it’s not possible to change plan again, do you think this decision is wise enough? Because I also feel that even I didnt push him, he cannot find feeling back sooner, how do you think about it? I like to listen to your opinion.

Thank you very much for your kind regards,
Emma

Emma

Hi Mark,

According to my previous report to you, I realized that I was actually progressing quite far to the stage 3 riding a dragon, because he was agreeing to meet me bit more often to try to find feeling back.
However I was not emotionally advanced enough, still reacting on him irrationally and screwed everything up again. I understand that his suggestion of “we can still do many things together” is kinda give me the chance to go through from stage 2 again, just I think my emotional skill is not high enough to handle the process again, so I suggested us just to stop contacting each other, until the moment he really misses me very very much, till up to a “wanting me back” level. He agreed with it and he told me that he already feels he will contact me eventually (i know this kinda saying doesn’t count).
Here I would like to consult you, do you think that this no contact agreement is in fact killing the last chance of getting him back and distance us further away, or it could be beneficial for both of us calming down, soothing the negative memory, rewinding good things in the past?

Thank you very much Mark!

Kind regards,
Emma

Erica

I’m hoping you can help me. I’ve poured through so many different posts trying to find out answers to my feelings and I can’t seem to answer them. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half when he told me he was losing interest in me. We were very much in love and happy and out of the blue he just tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. We’ve been on and off, talking and fighting. He gets jealous if I talk to other guys but doesn’t want me back. We say really horrible things to each other. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much.

Mark

A breakup doesn’t just happen out of the blue. There must be a reason or two. With that said, people break up because of the loss of emotional connection, regardless of the reasons. So if you trying to get back together with him, focus on the emotional connection. In order to do that, you need to improve your relationship skills. You can read this article for more information on what relationship skills you need to develop.

Marilyn Marie Arellanes

Hi Mark,

I am so glad I stumble on your articles. They have helped me tremendously. Thank you! I just have 1 question. What are your thoughts on rebound relationships? Do they ever work?

Mark

Most rebound relationships, at least what I have come across so far, don’t work. Obviously, there will always be a few that may work.

Ginger

Hey there :)

I sought your advice a few months ago when I was reeling with grief and panic after my husband of 20 years left in Feb (now 6 mos ago). Your advice helped a lot and helped me gain control of the situation (internally).

I changed my behaviours towards him, and began to rebuild myself.
Now, I feel more empowered, more confident than I ever have. I have lost weight, I have been dating, I am enjoying my freedom, spending time with friends and family and seeing life in a whole new way.

I maintained a positive relationship with my ex the entire time, at first as a doormat- not realizing the difference between doormat and “meeting him where he is at that time” and letting him enjoy the benefits of my love and our bond, while he maintained a relationship with the other woman. Somewhere along the line something clicked in me and I realized I was only hurting myself- and learned how to be a positive light in his life without being his doormat. That is when I figured out how to move on and be happy and strong for real .. not just for pretend. And he noticed.

He has since convinced his mother and his girlfriend to buy a house which they all live in now (yes… i said buy. not rent. buy). If you recall, he met her 3 weeks after leaving me. They signed for a house 3 months after leaving. This is one heck of a rebound.

He moved in Aug 4th. A week later he called me sobbing hysterically. Saying he’d burried himself too deep, too fast and that he was terrified and didnt know how to get out. He sobbed about how wrong he was and how perfect I am, how he loves me and misses me, how all of this was his fault and that I did nothing wrong and didn’t deserve any of it.

Knowing Riding the Dragon was coming, this didn’t send me over the moon. I of course enjoyed hearing it, and felt sad for him, but vindicated at the same time to hear him say these things. I kept in mind that he would flip the other way soon, and maintain that he’s not coming home. Which he did the next day. I was a little disappointed but not as much as I would have been had I not watched the videos over and over months ago.

Since, he’s been up and down as was predicted in Clay’s program. He’s followed each of those phases like it was written just for him.

Now … I am stuck wondering how to proceed. I am not sure If i should up my game in terms of the positive emotions I bring to him, or if this will only keep him in place with her. If I start allowing him to fall back on me every time he’s sad or lonely he will never leave – why would he if he has the ‘best of both worlds”.

He’s clearly in a bad place right now. He’s even said “i wish i were dead” when he had that breakdown with me the other week. He says he doesn’t sleep, he’s constantly stressed and .. after 20 years.. i know he’s not ok. I know it’s not my responsibility to make him ‘ok’ but his crisis makes me scared for him somewhat. He says he’s exhausted. That his whole life is a lie and he’s so tired.

I do know a big part of him wants to come back home, but the commitments he’s made are so huge, he’s taking the easier path. (Crisis point) : if he leaves, he has to rehome his mother, his girlfriend and her kids, tell all of his friends and family, try to earn my trust back, deal with the stressors that will come…

I’d sure welcome your thoughts on this situation. I am not ready to give up on my soulmate quite yet. I know he’s in there somewhere. At the same time however, I am protecting myself and will proceed down this new amazing path Im on, in order to ensure my own happiness no matter what happens with us.

thanks so much for your time.
Ginger

Mark

It is a good sign he is willing to confide in you. It means he trust you. You are already doing the right things. So I don’t see why you need to “up your game”. Trying to force things to happen may backfire.

As you mentioned, he is in a very bad state now and is probably not something he can resolved in a few days or even a few weeks. Trying to push things is going to add to his stress. He is not ready for that. So you need a little bit more patience here. Give him more time to sort his own issues out. What he needs now is more empathy and understanding.

Meanwhile, continue working on yourself and develop your awareness and acceptance. It is good to see how far you have progress in your personal growth.

Ginger

Thank you so much for your reply. It means the world to me that you took the time to read and give me your advice. I’ll continue as I have been – but making sure my own happiness and strength is first in any decision i make.
thanks :)

Luis

I have a very… interesting situation. It’d be way too lengthy and too detailed to get into, but I’ll just go over the gist of my current issue;

After two months of No Contact, my ex messaged me a week or so ago asking if I was doing okay, to which I coldly responded “Why on Earth would you care.” (She did some really horrible things, yet she was the one who dumped me for someone else. We’d been very close for almost five years, we’re in our early twenties.) She responded with “Because I still do.”, then locked the conversation.

Several days after that, she called me out of the blue- I was caught off guard. I didn’t know how to respond, she definitely sounded very nervous however, but she seemed relieved that I would even talk to her. Once again, I was cold, I’d be somewhat confrontational on pointing out what she had done, to which she said she understood if I just hung up on her. That I didn’t deserve what happened and that she thinks of me everyday one way or another. We talked for an hour. I can’t tell if much progress was made however. I hope it didn’t scare her off.

I messaged her about something we talked about the following day- no response. I began to get annoyed and kept on trying to message her to the point of being unfriended- not blocked however. My fault, I realize I should have just let it be and wait another week to see if she’d contact me again. I’m definitely Riding The Dragon though. But I hope I didn’t shit on my chances. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.

Oh look, Valentine’s day.

So how does one Ride The Dragon properly? How does one progress from this phase?

And I am a guy, but you seem to know what you preach, so hope that’s no problem- haha!

Mark

It has to start from you first.

From what you have mentioned about her so far, I can’t really tell whether she is also trying to get back together with you or she is just trying to end things on a good note with you so that she will feel less guilty.

But at least it is apparent that you want her back.

The key to getting an ex back will always be emotional connection. How are you going to connect with her emotionally if you still haven’t forgiven her?

I am not saying that you should be a doormat and just let her walk in and out of you.

Whatever terrible things she had done to you, both of you probably want to address them at the final stages of getting back together. But definitely not at this early stage.

Of course, don’t just go out and tell her you have forgiven her simply because I said you should forgive her. Make sure you really forgive her inside your heart first.

I know it is easier said than done, considering what she has done to you. But I think a breakup is seldom the fault of one person alone. So you may want to do a bit of self reflection and think about how you have contributed to the breakup. Maybe that will make it easier for you to forgive her?

angela

my bf and i broke up 2 weeks ago. after the day he broke up with me he texted me.. he miss me and he say sorry, after i reply to him he didnt text back i’ll wait until 1 week.. im so confused that they i could eat and sleep i thought we are fine. saturday after my class i saw him he unfriend me on fb, i was so mad and shock so i cant help my self to text him.. why you unfriend me i thought we are ok.. and he said yes we are. i just dont want any issues cus im dating someone now, and i reply ” why so quick u find another only 1 week, did u move on already? and he said just be happy for me and ill be happy if u find someone too. i said its just misunderstanding u give up and find another one.. he reply stop feeding judgement, i will blocked u on fb so u stop looking me up it get worse for yourself. ( i dont understand why he still cares) he said we can still friends but i say NO he reply why not? we can be a good friends. june 13 i texted him again im apologized ive been emotional past few days it wasnt me..now this is me i need more time but everytime i feel how much i love u, i cant help to feel again all the pain. so i can bring the lost me so i can back.im sorry we cant be friends i wish u luck.
he reply so quick he said thanks, appreciate all kind of words he means a lot to me. and uhmm ok..(can we friends).

mark we lived together for 1 year our relationship is 1 year and 3 months.. i moved to my new apartment because of work 2 weeks before we break up.
i really dont understand his behaviour why sounds he still care and why he’s easy for him to waste everything and find a new woman.? most of his stuff is on my apartment.. we shared everything we help each other we are team work.. its just simple misunderstanding and he give up and threw away. right now im focusing on myself work and family.. but im still hoping that we going back together. i need some advice please….

Julie

Hi Mark.

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for about 4 months and we broke up one month ago. I know it’s quite a short relationship but i was really in love with him… The relationship went well and almost every moment we spent together was full of meaning, warm and he was very affectionate and caring with me. In the last month of it, i acted on impulse and had argument with him for reasons that were not that important. I often threaten the relationship, saying that i am going to break up with him because he can’t be a proper man and don’t behave like in the begining and all that stuff..sometimes i insulted him, but he always tried to convince me that we don’t have to argue and he promised to change an become a better boyfriend… we managed to fix everything right after the arguments, but there was one time, on my birthday, when he reacted totally different to the argument. he didn’t tried to fix the problem that time. I became frustrated because of that and started to yell at him, then he went cold that day. The following days we apologized to each other and everything was fine again till he lost his job.
Everyday during those 4 months he used to text me and call me, and we would see each other at least 3 times a week, but right after he lost his job he stopped texting or calling me for about 6 days. I became worried, and i tried to talk to him about it, but he always said he is very stressed and busy.. I could’t stand this silent treatment anymore and went to his place to discuss. He was very cold when he saw me there, he was laconic, giving me short, incomplete replies. Seeing his behaviour i just decided on that moment that is time to break up because he was not offering me the attention and care that he used to. When i asked him what he wants he said he likes me a lot but he is very stressed and he needs to get that job and has to work hard for it. Then i told him he is free to do whatever he wants and he hugged and kissed me(?!). he also said that i am more that a girlfriend to him and he wants to stay friends because we have a great connection etc. But i told him this will be hard to handle and we will see if the time brings us together again. Then he kissed me again and that was all.
It’s been one month since then and we didn’t exchange even a word.
I felt extremely sad and started to meditate and fill the gap that i felt inside with activities that can help me get back to my true self. I am still working on it. I realised later that i was to passionate about my own beliefs and didn’t understand his hard time, but i thought he could still keep the relationship even if he was stressed, i could have helped him. Instead he just decide to go silent and stop any communication with me.
I felt like contacting him in the last week but not quite sure if it is a wise decision; I would love to give the relationship another try as 80% of it was amazing and i felt extremely comfortable around him( and he seemed to feel the same). Do you think this relationship ha sany chance to be saved in the future? Is it wise to contact him after one month of no communication? If yes, what would be the best approach?

Thank you.
Julie

Mark

Your situation is not the worst I have seen. People get back together from worse situation than yours. So there is definitely a chance for your relationship to be saved.

Of course, what I say doesn’t matter. What matter most is that you are willing to do whatever is necessary to save your relationship.

Men and women deal with problems differently. There are definitely exceptions but generally, when a man is facing a big problem, he prefers to deal with it alone. Losing a job is extremely stressful. That was why he didn’t feel like communicating with you.

There was a lack of empathy on your part. But don’t worry about that. Empathy is a skill that can be developed.

If you want to have a great relationship, start developing this skill from today onwards. Here is a good article on how to develop empathy.

Like what I mentioned towards the end of this article, What it really takes to get your ex boyfriend back, if you want to get your ex back, you need to change the relationship dynamics. You need to become a better version of you.

Lack of empathy is one of the main reasons for your breakup. That is why it is so important for you to develop this skill. Otherwise, even if you manage to get back together, it is very likely to end in a breakup again for the same reason.

As for whether it is wise to contact him, it depends on your current emotional state. If you are truly ready, just send him a short message that is easy for him to respond to. You know him best. So think about what he is interested in and very likely to respond to. The keyword here is short. Don’t send super long text. Don’t send message that is filled with deep emotions. Make it something fun and lighthearted.

Nosi

At this point I just feel so lost and terrified of not having this man in my life after four years of being so deeply in love. I know I should let him go. I feel like rather than not have him at all, I’ll have him any way or form that he is available. Pathetic!!

Mark

It is normal to feel that way initially. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just give yourself some time to heal and gain some clarity.

Once you have a clearer mind, you will be able to make a better decision on whether you should continue pursuing this relationship or to let go and create space for someone new.

Michael

We’ve been broken up for 2 months now with not much if any contact. She emailed me a laundry list of things or reasons why she broke up with me! Not one positive thing we did together that we enjoyed! We had been together for 2 years it’s been 4yrs since her husband passed away. What should I be doing? I’ve been in no contact for most of 2 months, keep going until she contacts me? This is the love of my life I’m heart broken and I’m a guy! Any and all suggestions would hopefully help!

Mark

It is normal for people to focus on negative things just after a breakup. I am sure she still remembers the positive things both of you did together. It is just that she isn’t focusing on positives right now. So try not to take it too personally.

You said she sent you a list of reasons for breaking up with you. What are going to do about that?

Are you going to be defensive? Or are you going to look at that list with an open mind?

Maybe some of the things she mentioned are not really true. But I am pretty sure there are certain things you can improve upon. Have you done that?

You mentioned that you have been doing no contact for 2 months. What have you done during these 2 months? Are you actually doing something constructive that will help to increase your chances of getting her back?

Or are you just sitting there waiting for 2 months to pass? I hope it is the former.

You may want to read this article to learn what to focus on during no contact. The article is relevant to men too.

roni

Dear Mark,
Need your help desperately. My ex fiance and I have been together for about 17 years. The first 8 years were wonderful. We were a loving family. Then I noticed he was getting into drugs and I didn’t know or maybe I didn’t want to know how bad.
Then our 15 year old daughter died of cancer. Things only got worse. I sank into a horrible depression and his drug use only got worse. We fought constantly about the drugs and what he was doing to our family.
Finally I made him leave. Long story short, he got caught and went to jail, but they allowed him to go to a 8 month rehabilitation center.
Our other daughter and I went to see him once a week, but I held back because of fear.
He wrote me the most beautiful letters and I loved them. He also wanted to come home, but I said no because I knew it was a bad idea.
He came here anyway, the fighting started again and I have to admit I was mean and pushed him away until he moved.
I thought I knew what I wanted until about 3 weeks later, my daughter told me he had a new girlfriend.
He posted pictures constantly of the two of them and her kids. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, but he had moved on. It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach.
I was very angry at first and cried to him but be kept saying he didn’t mean to hurt me.
I did a lot of soul searching and discovered what I had done. I took him for granted and I wasn’t fair to him.
I also discovered how much he meant to me. I realize this had to happen for me to find myself. I have worked so hard on myself. I have gotten my confidence back.
I have also forgiven him and myself for all our mistakes.
I keep working on myself and my happiness. He continued to see this woman, he introduced her to all his family after a month, was telling her he loves her after only 3 weeks.
It has been 1 and a half months and he already lives with her.
We still talk sometimes and text last Monday, I told him over the phone some of the things I felt and how I realized my mistakes…he said he wished I had spoken up sooner because now he had feelings for the other woman..said he loved her…. and now everything was messed up.
Told me we couldn’t just jump right back into it. I said I wanted him to date me and get to know each other again and start over.
He said he was really confused and didn’t know what to do. When I told him I had to go, I was beginning to cry. He said that he loved me.
The next day, I sent him a saying that I had found in my relationship book. It was about love and how it’s only strong if it develops over time. He responded right away and we had a nice and friendly interaction.
The next day however, he said that things were different now and he was with someone. I responded that I knew he was confused and I wasn’t trying to pressure him and that this was a decision he had to make on his own.
It’s been 6 days and I have been giving him his space. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to make a big mistake. I love him so much and want us to try. I know we could be happy again. Help, please I am terrified of losing him to this woman who doesn’t even know him.

Mark

The chances of you losing him to the other woman is extremely low. So you don’t have to worry about that. Why is that so? Because it is definitely a rebound relationship, judging from the speed the relationship is progressing and that he is confused. I wrote a very long and detailed article about rebound relationship here. You can read it to find out what you need to do.

I just want to reassure you that it is very unlikely for you to lose him to this woman. It is only a matter of time before that relationship will break down by itself. Chances are, in about one to two months time, once the honeymoon period is over, cracks will start to appear in that relationship.

So really, the last thing you need to worry about is the other woman. Like I mentioned in the rebound relationship article I have written, your greatest enemy is not the other woman. It is really yourself. You need to continue working on yourself. This is because it is impossible to get your ex back out of fear. You may want to read this article for more information on what it really takes to get your ex back.

Do You Have The Right Mindset To Get Your Ex Back?

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