Does The No Contact Rule Work?
The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work For Everyone
The no contact rule has been overhyped by many relationship websites. It makes people think that no contact is the magic pill that will help everyone get their ex back regardless of the situation.
Unfortunately, nothing is further from the truth. If one person in the relationship has already decided to move on for good, no amount of no contact is going to work.
It doesn’t matter whether one implement n.c. for 30 days, 60 days or even 90 days. It is not going to work for a dysfunctional relationship whether you try it the first, second or even the third time.
Why Does The No Contact Rule Work For Some People?
You have probably heard of people saying things like, “No Contact Worked For Me!” Therefore, they assume that no contact is going to work for everyone.
But you need to understand that every relationship is different. Just because the no contact rule is working for some people doesn’t mean it is going to work for everyone.
Here is why no contact works for some people:
Consider a couple who have decided to break up. They are feeling all kinds of emotions, anger and hurt. Then they went into no contact mode for an extended period of time.
This allows them to heal their emotions, anger and hurt. Because of the time apart, they have enough time to think about their relationship and realize how much they miss each other and how much they still love one another.
Therefore, they decided to get back together and work on the relationship again. That is why the no contact rule is so effective for them.
Why The No Contact Rule Is Not Working For Others?
Consider the above example again. As mentioned above, time apart can help people see things more clearly.
So the no contact has helped them realize that they are not compatible with each other and the relationship is not going to work. They realize that it is probably better to move on.
In this scenario, the no contact rule clearly doesn’t work.
In other words, cutting off contact with your ex can go either way. Either you get your ex back or your don’t. It depends on the situation.
The No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
I decided to write this article to give you more information, specifically what are the positive and negative consequences of using the no contact rule on your ex. After all, I want to help you make an informed decision.
After seeing so many dangerous, and often silly advice when it comes to using the “no contact rule” , I think it is important for you to see a more complete picture.
So What Exactly Is The No Contact Rule?
I am assuming that this is not the first article you have read about the no contact rule. So you are probably quite familiar with this term. But for the benefit of those who don’t, here is what it means.
According to many “relationship experts” on the internet, the no contact rule (also known as N.C.) simply means cutting off all contact with your ex for at least 30 days. In a nutshell, it means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no Facebook messages and no meetups.
There are a few exceptions when total NC is impossible.
a. You have kids with your ex.
b. Both of you are living in the same place.
c. You are colleagues, classmates or simply attending the same college.
d. You have important stuff at your ex home and you need to retrieve it or vice versa.
For these special situations, the general recommendation is to keep in limited contact. Basically, what it means is that you shouldn’t be nasty and totally ignore your ex. Just be polite but don’t go into deep conversation or talk about your break up.
Some “relationship experts” even try to take it further. They say that you should not reply your ex if they contact you first within the 30 days period. And that is where things become ridiculous.
If you really take this approach of completely ignoring your ex, it can permanently damage your relationship. (I will talk more about this below, under the consequences section.)
Am I Against The No Contact Rule?
If you have read this far, you are probably thinking that I disagree with NC.
Let’s make this clear!
I am not against NC. In fact, I believe that NC, when used correctly, with the right mindset, is the most important step to healing yourself or even getting your ex back.
Here is what I am against.
I am against Manipulation, Playing Mind Games and Dirty Psychological Tactics!
The Principle Of Relationship Will Never Change!
I am only thirty one this year. I don’t have years of wisdom to impart to you. And I certainly don’t consider myself to be a relationship expert or guru.
But there is no need to be a relationship guru or wise old man or woman to understand that relationship is not about playing games or silly manipulation.
The way we communicate can change based on existing technologies. But the principle of relationship will never change! It is based on love!
So if some “relationship experts” are teaching you to play manipulative mind games in order to get your ex back, think again! If your intuition is telling you that this is the wrong thing to do and is not going to work for your relationship, you are probably right.
The Right And Wrong Way To Use No Contact
Before we go into the consequences, it is important to talk about the right and wrong way to use No Contact.
After all, if you use no contact the right way, you are more likely to experience positive consequences.
If you use no contact the wrong way, you are more likely to experience negative consequences.
The Right Way
The right way to use no contact is to focus on yourself. It is all about healing yourself. It is all about giving yourself the time and space to recover from a breakup.
Not just that. It is also a time for personal development, especially the internal aspect like what I discussed in this article.
The Wrong Way
If you are trying to use no contact to elicit a response from your boyfriend, such as making him miss you, or making him afraid to lose you, you are doing it wrong.
In fact, I have written an article about why you should not use the no contact rule to make your ex miss you. I encourage you to read this article if you want to avoid unnecessary sufferings.
What Is The Difference Between The Right and Wrong Way?
The main difference is your mindset. And that is huge!
It is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or suffer throughout the period of no contact.
For example, if you often find yourself saying “No contact is so hard! It is killing me!”, then you are probably using it the wrong way.
When you are focusing on getting your ex boyfriend to miss you, your mind will keep on thinking about your ex boyfriend. You will keep on wondering whether your ex boyfriend is missing you but you don’t know the answer.
It is going to become a guessing game. This is going to be a mental torture for you, which is not the purpose of no contact in the first place. It is supposed to help you heal and feel better about yourself.
Don’t Use The Word “Rule” On “No Contact”
To be frank, I don’t really like to use the word “rule” with “no contact”.
Since when did no contact become a rule? Who invented it?
“Rule” Makes Things More Complicated Than It Needs To Be
Usually, having a set of rules do help to keep things simple. For example, we follow traffic rules to make sure we are safe on the road. In this case, traffic rules are necessary to keep the roads in order.
However, it doesn’t make sense to have a rule for no contact. Every relationship is unique and you just can’t impose a rule on a relationship.
Typically, most relationship experts recommend at least 30 days of no contact. As if this is not confusing enough, some experts even decided to throw in different numbers such as 21, 31, 45, 60 or even 90 days.
No wonder so many people are confused about no contact.
One rule is already making things more complicated. With so many different rules, things become more complicated than ever.
No contact is suppose to be a very simple concept. After a breakup, you feel emotional. You are upset and you can’t think clearly. The best way to recover and heal yourself is through no contact.
Once you truly feel better, you can consider contacting your ex, even if it happens to be the 19th day.
This is based more on how you feel rather than the number of days. Don’t get bogged down by those artificial numbers.
“Rule” Makes People Play All Kinds Of Mind Games
The way most experts teach no contact rule is based on playing games. Basically, to get your boyfriend to panic or to get him to start missing you.
That is probably where the rule and all the artificial numbers come into place. “Don’t contact him for 30 days and he will come crawling to you, begging you to take him back.” Sounds familiar?
If you are not playing this type of mind games, you don’t have to follow any rules. You simply allow yourself to heal and once you feel ready to face your boyfriend again, you can contact him if you still hope to get back together with him.
“Rule” Makes People Nervous
Attaching the word “rule” to no contact makes a lot of people nervous. I see so many people afraid of breaking the no contact rule.
Here are some common responses I see on the internet.
“Please help! My boyfriend text me yesterday! Should I reply now? Am I breaking the no contact rule if I reply? Should I reply him after the no contact?”
“I think I broke the no contact rule by talking to him yesterday! Should I restart the no contact rule again?”
As mentioned, you cannot impose a rule on a relationship. Every relationship is different. Just because you follow the rule and ignore your ex for a full 30 days will not guarantee that you will get him back. In fact, if you actually follow the rule, ignore him and don’t reply back, it can backfire.
The Consequences Of Using The No Contact Rule
As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, everything you do in life has a consequence. This includes the use of the no contact rule to get your boyfriend back.
Obviously, the consequences are either positive or negative.
Right now, you may think that getting your boyfriend back is positive while not getting him back is negative.
Well, it is not as simple as that. Getting your boyfriend back is not necessary a good thing. Not getting him back is not necessary a bad thing either.
For now, let’s try to keep things as simple as possible. In general, there are four possible scenarios that can result from the use of NC. Two are positives and two are negatives.
Here are the 4 possible scenarios:
1. You got your boyfriend back and you are happy. (positive)
You are using the no contact rule the right way. You are just trying to heal yourself. You are not using the no contact rule to play games with your ex. You are not using NC to make your ex miss you.
After some time, you feel so much happier. You have a clearer mind. You followed a proper plan to get your ex back without playing games and manipulation. With a happier and clearer mind, you put yourself in the right position to work on the root cause of your break up.
As a result, your relationship with your boyfriend improved. Both of you are back together and you are happy.
2. You didn’t get your boyfriend back but you are still happy. (positive)
Just like scenario 1, you are not trying to play game with the no contact rule. You are just trying to make yourself feel better. After a few weeks, with a clearer mind, you realized that you can be happy by yourself.
Although you didn’t get your boyfriend back, you are still happy because you realized that you don’t need him after all. You don’t even want to get back together anymore.
3. You got your boyfriend back but you are not happy. (negative)
Chances are you are using NC as a manipulation tactic, hoping that he will start to miss you. It works in the short run. You and your boyfriend did get back together.
However, you did not deal with the root cause of the break up. If that is the case, it is only a matter of time before the same issues arise again. As a result, the break up may happen again. That is probably why there are so many couples who are breaking up and getting back together again and again.
4. You didn’t get your boyfriend back and you are not happy. (negative)
This can happen if you take the no contact rule too far. Perhaps your boyfriend contacted you within the first 30 days of the no contact period.
Because some “relationship experts” say that you should ignore your ex during the first 30 days, even if they contacted you first, you decided not to reply your ex.
As a result, your ex has the impression that you have moved on and decided to give up on this relationship. Or your ex may think that you are playing games with him and feels angry. Now, he doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore.
Or maybe he decided to use no contact on you as well. Now, both of you are playing games with each other. How long will this game last? Well, who knows?
Can you see the danger of playing the no contact game now?
How To Get Positive Results And Avoid Negative Ones
As mentioned above, there are 2 positive scenarios and 2 negative ones. In general, the correct use of NC are more likely to bring you positive results. The wrong use of NC such as trying to play games or manipulating your ex will often bring negative results.
The Only Reason To Use No Contact
Many “relationship experts” recommend the use of no contact because it is a great way to make your ex miss you.
While it is possible that your ex may start missing you during the no contact period, this should never be your primary reason for using NC.
NC should only be used as a tool for healing and improving yourself. It is meant to give yourself the time to calm down. It is meant to give you the opportunity to reflect on your relationship. It is meant for you to work on yourself.
After all, you can’t get your ex back when you are too emotional. NC gives you the mental clarity to deal with the problems in your relationship. With mental clarity, you are more likely to make better decision.
I first wrote this article more than 2 years ago. Over this period of time, I have encountered many interesting questions about the no contact rule.
So I think now is probably a good time for me to update this article by answering a few of these questions.
I do intend to update this article with more questions over time. Let’s start with three for now.
If you have any questions that are specifically related to the no contact rule, that are not already answered in this article, feel free to leave your questions in the comment below.
Q: Who Should Break The No Contact Rule – Dumper or Dumpee?
A: It doesn’t matter whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. If you are the one who wants your ex back, you have to be the one taking the initiative to contact your ex.
Ultimately, if no one takes the initiative to reach out first, then you can forget about getting back together.
I know some people may not like this answer, especially for the dumpees.
Why should I reach out first? He was the one who dumped me!
Well, if this is your reaction, then I need to ask you:
Pride more important or relationship more important?
In fact, if you are still feeling anger over your breakup, then you are not ready to save your relationship.
Maybe you shouldn’t reach out to your ex yet.
Also, worth mentioning are the labels “dumper” and “dumpee”.
How do these labels make you feel?
When you label your ex as a dumper, does that help you understand your ex more?
Does it inspire you to use empathy on your ex? Or does it cause you to see your ex as someone who is a “jerk”?
When you label yourself as the “dumpee”, does it empower you? Or makes you feel powerless like a victim?
If not for the sake of answering this question, I wouldn’t want to use these labels. I suggest you drop them too.
Q: Does No Contact Work On A Stubborn Ex?
A: Once again, don’t you think “stubborn” is another label?
If you see your ex as stubborn, how do you think that is going to affect the way you communicate with your ex?
Don’t you think that will become a self fulfilling prophecy?
You see, usually when people say their ex is stubborn, it is usually because they are frustrated. They just couldn’t get through to their ex.
Maybe it is more constructive to look at yourself?
Are you trying to force your will onto your ex?
Did you put yourself in the shoes of your ex?
How about changing the way you communicate with your ex so that you can finally get through to them.
Maybe it is time for you to upgrade your communication skills?
Put it this way. If you keep on using the same old methods that don’t work, don’t you think you are more stubborn than your ex?
I don’t know about you but I think this is certainly something worth reflecting on.
Q: How Does The No Contact Rule Work On A Scorpio Man?
A: This is a very interesting question.
You have to understand that getting your ex back is not about saving the old relationship. It is about creating a new and better relationship with your ex.
It is about rediscovering each other all over again. If you are doing it right, you will probably discover new things you never knew about your ex.
So in my opinion, I don’t think labeling your ex as “Scorpio” is a very constructive approach. When you see your ex as a Scorpio man, you already have a preconceived notion of who he is, which may not necessary be true.
You stopped being curious about who your ex really is and you will lose the opportunity to learn more about him.
After all, you can put 10 Scorpio men in a single room. I am pretty sure each of them will have their own unique personality, different likes and dislikes etc.
Obviously, my answer will be the same for other astrological signs, whether it is Capricorn, Gemini or Sagittarius.
I am Sagittarius by the way and I do have other Sagittarius friends who are completely different from me.
So don’t spend too much time on astrology. It will be more practical if you focus on developing your relationship skills.
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