How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Miss You

Don’t Try To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I know you are here to learn how to make your ex boyfriend miss you like crazy and want you back. But I am here to tell you not to do it.

And there are 3 very good reasons.

First, I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself.

Second, even if you don’t try to make your ex boyfriend miss you, he may still miss you.

Third, just because he misses you doesn’t mean he want to get back together with you.

I know all these may sound confusing to you right now. So let me explain in more details below.

If you have read the other articles on my site, you will know that I discourage my readers from playing mind games and using manipulation tactics to save a relationship.

So the purpose of this article is the same. My hope is to lead you away from playing manipulative mind games that can end up hurting yourself and your relationship.

The Myth Of Using No Contact To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

Before writing this article, I have actually done quite a bit of research on this topic. Basically, I was just curious. I want to see what other relationship experts were saying.

Guess what I see?

I think you probably know the answer already. 90% of the sites I came across were recommending “The No Contact Rule” to get your ex boyfriend to miss you.

Well, let me tell you the truth.

There is no way you can control when your ex will start to yearn for you. Some people will take a very long time before they start missing their ex, maybe a minimum of 6 months.

Unless you enjoy playing the waiting game, it is probably not a very smart way to get your ex back.

Now of course, there will be people who will start missing their ex after a short period of no contact. So maybe your ex will really start to miss you after around one month.

But there is a question I want to ask you. If your ex really started to miss you, what are you going to do next in order to get back together with him?

There is a reason why I am asking you this question.

You see, a lot of people seem to have this misconception that all it takes for you to get your ex boyfriend back is to make him miss you. People seem to forget that there is a reason for breaking up in the first place.

Even if your ex boyfriend really decided to get back together with you because he misses you, eventually, he is going to leave you again if he realizes that nothing has changed in the relationship and the same old problems are still there.

I suggest that you read this article “What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back“. Don’t just rely on the passive approach of doing nothing during no contact and expecting that it will miraculously save your relationship when he starts thinking about you. That’s not going to work in a million years.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but I am not here to sugarcoat things. I just want to point out the various possibilities to you so that while you are hoping for the best, you are prepared for the worst as well. At least when things don’t go your way, you will not feel so upset.

Your Boyfriend May or May Not Want to Get Back Together With You

Let’s try to keep things simple here.

I know relationships can be complicated. Maybe your boyfriend wants you back. Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he is not sure what he wants right now. Or maybe he will change his mind sooner or later.

But to keep things simple, let us just stick to 2 possibilities.

1. He doesn’t want to get back together.

If your boyfriend has no intention to get back into the relationship, you can use no contact on him for as long as you want and that is not going to make him miss you. In fact, it will help him to forget about you.

Sure, he may think of you from time to time but that is probably not what you are hoping for.

2. He wants to get back together.

If he wants you back, no contact will probably work on him. He will probably start to miss you.

What I am trying to say here is that no contact does not work 100% of the time. There is no easy way for you to know whether your boyfriend has started to miss you.

Also, as mentioned earlier, there is no point getting him back if it is still the same old relationship because he will probably leave you again soon.

The Purpose Of No Contact Is Not To Make Him Miss You

In the first place, no contact is not meant to be used as a tactic to get your ex boyfriend to miss you. NC is supposed to be used purely as a tool for healing. This is because most people will be very emotional just after a break up. Dealing with an ex during this period of time is not going to make the situation better and may even make the situation worse.

Of course, it is very possible that your boyfriend will start missing you after a few weeks of no contact. But as mentioned above, it can also go the other way.

You Will Be The One Getting Hurt If You Resort To Mind Games

You may not like what I am going to say but I am still going to say it.

If you are trying to make your ex boyfriend miss you by using no contact, you are actually playing a mind game, whether you are aware of it or not.

You are actually trying to manipulate your boyfriend. You are actually trying to play with his feelings.

When you are playing this type of mind games, it is going to cause you a lot of mental sufferings. Why is that so?

Well, because in your mind, you will keep on asking yourself whether your boyfriend has started to miss you. You will keep on asking yourself whether the no contact is working. Unfortunately, you do not know the answer.

You see. No contact is supposed to be used as a tool for healing. When you keep on asking yourself whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, how are you going to heal? You are just going to feel worse with all these internal dialogue going on in your head.

That is why I never encourage people to use no contact to get an ex back or to make an ex miss you. No contact is all about you. It is never about your ex.

Your Mindset Makes A Big Difference!

Now, I want to make sure that you understand this very clearly.

There is nothing wrong with No Contact. It is how you use No Contact that makes the difference! It is your mindet that makes the difference!

If you are simply using No contact to heal yourself and recover from the break up without worrying about whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, you are going to feel so much better. In this case, you are not playing games.

If you are using No contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you, you are trying to play games. Because of that, you will find it hard to calm your mind down. Now, your own mind is playing games with you. You are always wondering whether he is missing you and just that thought alone will make you nervous.

Can you see the difference now?

It is the exactly the same No Contact.

But your mindset is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or worse.

Your Boyfriend May Start To Miss You Without You Doing Anything

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that your boyfriend may start to miss you even if you don’t try to make him miss you.

That is based on the assumption that he still wants you back.

So if you are using No Contact for the right purpose, which is to heal yourself, you may be happy to find that your boyfriend has started to miss after after these few weeks of no contact, especially if you want him back too.

And because you have used No Contact for the right purpose, you are starting to feel better. You have a clearer mind. You will be in a much better position to connect with your boyfriend.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend has no intention to get back with you in the first place, no amount of no contact is going to make him miss you.

In this case, if you are using No Contact for the wrong purpose of making him miss you, you are just wasting your time, not to mention that you will probably feel worse when you realize that No Contact is not working.

Missing You Does Not Mean Want You Back

I find it really weird when some “relationship gurus” say that in order to get your ex back, you need to make him miss you.

Nothing is further from the truth.

There are a few key areas you need to focus on in order to save your relationship. I talked about them in this article. Making your ex boyfriend miss you is definitely not one of them.

After all, just because your ex misses you doesn’t mean he want you back.

Don’t believe me? It is very easy to prove.

If you have been in several relationships in the past, I am sure there are some exes that you do miss from time to time. However, you have absolutely no intention of getting back together with them. In fact, you probably don’t entertain the thought of having a relationship with them again in the future.

There are also many reasons why your ex may start missing you. Maybe he misses the friendship. Or maybe he misses the sex. So if you invite him for a booty call, he will say yes. Committed relationship? No way!

The point I want to drive across to you is this.

You are here probably because you want your ex back. And I am here to tell you that making your ex miss you is the wrong strategy to focus on. You are going to learn a much better approach to get your ex back when you sign up for my newsletter below.

Don’t Get Involved In Their Games

I am guessing that you do not believe in mind games in the first place. Unfortunately, there are so many websites that encourages people to play mind games or use psychological tactics to get an ex back.

Hopefully, you will not get involved in those games. Even if those mind games do work in the short run and help you get your boyfriend back, they won’t help you get to the root of the problems in your relationship.

While I was conducting my research on this topic, I saw so many people posting in various forums, saying that no contact has helped them got their ex back. But you know what? Within a short period of time, they broke up again.

Playing games is definitely not going to help anyone build a long lasting and loving relationship!

Don’t play mind games and use ineffective strategies to get your ex back. You will end up wasting a few months without seeing any result.

If you want to learn the correct strategies to focus on so that you can actually start seeing progress and get your ex back faster, you can sign up for my newsletter below.

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Older Comments

Jarad

Hi Mark. My girlfriend and I broke up 2weeks ago after dating for 3 months. She is a single mother of a 3 year old child, and she hasnt dated anyone in the past three years. Everything was going fine. She told me that everything was moving fast, and she wanted to focus on her and her child like before. She said she really liked me and wanted me to stay in her life. We have still been texting the past two weeks, but I was too pushy about meeting up and discussing us with her. She says that she would like to be friends and maybe build back to a relationship. I made the typical panic mistakes, and trying to fix that. I would like your insight, Thanks. I have been reading your articles.

Mark

As a mum and also considering the fact that her child is only 3 years old, her priority will definitely be on her child. So you have to be okay with that.

I believe she needs time to figure out how you fit into her life without compromising the time she spent with her child. If she wants to be friends with you for now, that’s alright. Respect her wish.

If you do it properly, being friends with her gives you the opportunity to show her that you are the right person to be in a relationship with and that dating you will not affect her responsibility as a mother.

Miss

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and one month and we broke up one month ago. The break up just happened out of the blue, there was no indication to it. We were still planning for our next outing before the break up. He did say he has been thinking about breaking up for quite a while but he didn’t show any sign of it.

Anyway, the reason of the break up is because he feels like he is still Young hence is not ready to commit yet and he does not want to manage a relationship . He just started his career and has family complications. He is 22 and I am 24. We fought constantly during the one year we were together due to lack of communication so I suggested that we talked through our problems and fixed it. However, he said that even if we fixed it and are happy together, few years later, he might still decide to abandon this relationship. This is the part where I am confused.

He got confused about the decision of break up right after he told me he wanted to break up so i suggested that we meet up and see how it goes. During the meet up, he treated me like a princess and I can feel that he still loves me. He said he wanna be together with ME cause it is hard for him to let go but it all changes after he went back home. He told me he would rather stay as frenz and still care for each other . Do you think I have a chance to win him back again? What do you think I should do? I still keep in contact with him but as a normal friend.

Thanks!

I tried to ask him out to talk about this but he refused to see me. He got angry everytime I talked about getting back with him. He asked me to get over him and its all over.

Mark

Try working on the skills mentioned in this article.

Also, do not talk about getting back together again, at least not now. This should only be done when you are in stage 5.

You are now somewhere in between late stage 1 and early stage 2. So this is not the right time to talk about getting back together. If you want to learn more about the 5 stages of saving your relationship, you can sign up for my newsletter. You will receive the information on Day 11 of my newsletter.

Sarma

Hi Miss,

This is exactly my story too. I think younger men find it hard to commit. Also, they lack the skills necessary to communicate without letting their emotions get in the way. I think our men need some time and growing up to do. I really hope things work out for you two though.

Angela

My ex (Rob) broke up with me over a month ago, we were together for 6 years – He is 56 and I am 53. We have enjoyed many happy times together, but he has become very moody over the past few months – He lost his 35 year job about 15 months ago and now his elderly mum suffers with Dimentia (she lives at home) and his dad is 88 so Rob looks after them half the week then he used to spend half the week with me. He lives 90 miles away – So there is no way I am ever going to see him again (which is breaking my heart) I feel like he has died as I am grieving.

I can not see my life go on without him – He was my future. His moods were having an “effect” on me, so after a while I asked him if he was staying or going – Less than a minute later, he said “going” !! I then asked him, if I had not given him the ultimatum (which I regret so much now) what would he have done – He said, I would have stayed – So I am now extremely confused! He also said, you will meet someone in a few months and you will be happy!!! He went without giving “us” a thought – One minute he was here, then he was gone with NO explanation of why! I sent him a text 1 week after we split up and said “It feels strange you not being here”

His reply – “It will get easier” (what?)!!! Then I phoned him 2 weeks after we broke up and he told me he was not eating (he loves his food, so that made me think that he is missing me) but that was nearly 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him (He is very stubborn) but I can not phone him again as I need him to contact me so I know if there was any chance of us getting back together, that he initiated it and it is his decision! PLEASE reply and help me get him back… I am a single mum and struggling financially too, so that is not helping either – But with Rob, I was strong and felt I could face anything thrown my way, but now I am a “total mess”.

Noknok

Hi! This site is really helpful in giving me a new perspective. But I still want a personalized advice from you just to make sure im doing the right things. I’ve been with him for 6 years and he cheated on me. Broke up with me but he said that he will fix himself during the breakup but gave me no assurance that we’ll get back together. He was at a confusing state of his life and I forgive him because I really do not think that anger will help us both heal. I’ve been on the no contact thingy for two days now. He also dumped the girl but whose to say he won’t do it again. I want him back but I know that I also have to work on the things that I lacked in the relationship so he cud start looking at me again with much love and liking

Mark

You can start working on yourself using the tips in this article.

Also, I think this is worth mentioning. Most men cheat because they are not getting what they want from a relationship. I am not saying that this is a good excuse for cheating. But this is definitely something you should take note.

So it is also important to look at what you can take responsibility for. This is also a form of acceptance.

And if you want him back, try your best to trust him. I know he cheated on you once, so it is hard for you to trust him again. However, without trust, there is no relationship. Unless he is a serial cheater, give him the benefit of the doubt.

Fodo

Me and my boyfriend met almost a year ago and we were both attracted at first. In the beginning he was as committed as I was but as we moved on he started to care less and less and so I started becoming resentful and I started arguing with him about this. We went to two trips together and the second one was the last one. I had to be back sooner than him as I had to be back at work and after I came back, he would not be responsive to my text messages and was ignoring me. So I gave up and I was hurt. For two weeks we had no communication until a few days ago that he texted me that he is back. I just made one simple answer that I am happy he is fine. But I need some space right now as I think I have stepped on my ego a lot for him. However deep in my heart I am very fond of this man and I wish he comes back and asks us to be together again. What approach I should take this time is he comes back?

Mark

You can use the approach I mentioned in this article and my newsletter.

Mariama

Dear Mark
i have been separated from my boyfriend now 7 months we did not quarrel or fight we stay far from each other but we would communicate every day through emails calls we would tell each other how we feel but he stopped communicating and ignoring me, one day i felt to much sadness and i abused him for his silence and i told him good bye forever but after few days i apologized because i felt it was not worth it. but up to now once in month he sends me me msgs like hey and i reply i still love him and want him back what can i do i will get sick soon because i have tried to be patient and wait but no hope kindly advise

Mark

Read this article and see how you can apply the tips to your situation.

sanya Ali

Hey Mark?? I was in a relationship with him for 1.5 years. We broke up three days ago.we broke for the second time. First time I broke up with him on15 March 2014….but later we patch up after 15 days. Now we broke up again…because he proposed one of my friend a year ago but she refused him. When I asked him about it he said… He didn’t and told me to take his Facebook id and password.
At that time I was so angry and I broke up. After 2 hours I texted him…I want to continue but he replied everything has been finished and you should live your life peacefully. Then I said to him you betrayed me. After one day he said…no matter if I had 4-5 gfs before we were in relationship, still I have given importance to you not to them. I haven’t replied him yet.
I really don’t know what to do… I want him back anyhow. I feel like I m dying…maybe that is my fault that I didn’t trust him… Or was more insecure….I wanted to know whether he wants me back or not… At one side he said, everything is finished and on the other he said he has given importance to me. I m confused.
Please help me out in getting him back :'( I can’t live without him

Mark

Are you saying that he proposed to one of your friends when you were still in a relationship? If that is the case, maybe you want take some time to think about whether you should get back together with him? You may want to read the article I have written here to help you make the decision.

Violeta

Hi Mark,

Really need your advice. My ex and I met on a dating site..he lives in the states, I live in England… He said I set the standard and bar so high he can’t seem to want to date anyone locally. Then started talking everyday. A total of 7 months. We broke up for a week in between since we planned to meet but I was in a busy state of life due to jobs. He got busy with his new business as well and then decided to break up. After a week I got in contact with him and we talked. We decided to meet in New York. He lived in Texas and had to fly over as well. We had a Fabulous week.. Talked about future him meeting my parents.. Then after 1 month he was so stressed with job and he’s unwell and his divorce. He’s been separated for 3 years and filed last year. Ex wife trying to fight for as much money.. So he’s worried.. He broke up with me says he’s in bad place on life. I also maybe pushed him gave him ultimatum to make effort in our relationship and come visit me soon or the boat will sail away… I thought he would get his act together instead he broke up with me. Out of blue.. He’s got so much problems and I know he’s unhappy. I miss him been 6 days of no contact.. He was very good to me 7 months.. Talks everyday and constant communication.. He’s 43 and I’m 28. I didn’t care about the age… Why is he being immature? He said he can’t handle the distance it’s a lot of work and he needs to be healthy and get the divorce over. He’s not come online on whatsapp… Last we msged I was emotional I said I wish you considered atleast meeting in a month and decide. He first said I made up my mind then said I will think about it. I said you promise? Sure? He’s says yes. And that’s all. He’s never online and no contact. I really think we are compatible and there’s chance for me to move to the states since half my family love there. Please kindly tell me if there’s hope?

Mark

He is probably going through a lot of stress right now and maybe it is near his threshold. So the last thing he wants is an additional source of stress from a relationship, especially a long distance one. After all, it does take a lot of effort to maintain a LDR.

Put it this way.

For some people, relationship is a safe harbor. Every time they are stressful, they know they can retreat to their safe harbor and get the support they need.

For some people, relationship is simply an additional source of stress. They already have a lot of things to deal with in life. Yet, when they return to the harbor, instead of getting the support they need, they are given more tasks to deal with.

I believe that ultimatum has caused him to view this relationship as an additional source of stress. It is seldom a good idea to force people to make a decision. 9 times out of 10, when you force someone to make a decision, they will usually make a decision against you. That is just human nature.

If you want love, you need to give love. If you want someone to understand you, you need to learn to understand someone first. He must have felt that you don’t understand him. That’s why he chose to leave the relationship.

I suggest that you spend some time reading this article. In the article, I talked about not putting a label on your ex.

Right now, you are labeling your ex as “immature”. When you use this kind of label, you are not treating him like a real human being with his own emotions. You are not trying to understand him. This will not inspire emotional connection.

As for whether there’s hope for your relationship, it really depends on what you are willing to do. You cannot control your ex or whatever events happening in his life. However, you are certainly in control of how you respond to those situations.

Start with working on yourself. After all, how can you start to understand someone if you yourself is still emotional? Practice the skills I mentioned in this article so that when you meet him the next time, he can see the difference in you. With those new skills, you will be in a better position to connect with him on a deeper emotional level.

Sarma

Hi Mark,

My boyfriend broke up with me about six weeks ago. He and I had been together for a year. We had a great relationship. I knew his friends and he knew mine and all of them were really happy for us and said we would end up together.

About a couple of months before he ended things, we started fighting a lot and every fight would end with us saying we should call it off. When I look back, I realize that I was very egotistical and would not budge at all. I can attribute this behaviour to a previous relationship where I ended up compromising a lot.

He would constantly say that he was trying hard to understand me but I wasn’t doing the same. Also, he was insecure about me and would sometimes say that I would leave him for someone better.

So, a week before we actually broke up, he broke up with me once and I told him that I would try harder. But, it looks like I repeated the mistakes he was talking about. It angered him and then he ended everything. He said he thought for long about this and now he has made up his mind. He said he loves me too much but doesn’t want to be the guy who restricts me from being myself. He also said that this is the hardest thing that he’s had to do. Five days after we broke up, he said he wanted to try again, but about a couple of hours later said it wasn’t a good idea. After that, he’s been aloof and not been in touch with me. He did yell at me a couple of times because he thought I was “pretending to enjoy my life” to get back at him.

Also, he is younger than I am and says that he doesn’t want to risk ending things with me much later (a few years from now), when I’m older and reduce my chances of dating/loving again.

I tried contacting him a few times after that, but he refused to change his mind. He refuses to meet me and says he will only talk over the phone. The last time we spoke, he asked me to move on and he hoped that I would do so soon. When I asked him if he missed me, he said no and that he has no intention of getting back together with me.

He has a few fears which may seem rational but also at the same time can be worked on. In the last two months that we have been apart, I’ve been trying to understand what my problems are and I’ve been trying to work on them too.

Do you think we have a chance again? He says we don’t stand a chance and that he will never come back.

Mark

Don’t worry too much about what he says for now. People can always change their mind, especially in a relationship. So you don’t have to take what he says as the absolute truth. You can watch this video about context vs content to understand why.

Donna

Hey need some advise, I’m 28 and met a guy off a dating site, everything was great the 1st year then he got ill, I stood by him and watched him go through some really tough times, anyway we started to argue after Xmas and had a break for a week in April which he still txt me like we was together just didn’t see me, we went on holiday and the day after we got back he ended things saying his sick of the pointless meaningless arguments, he has txt me almost every day saying he misses me, he thinks about me but when I bite all I keep getting then is I don’t know what I want, I’ve tried to make him remember the good times and how they outweigh the bad but I’m giving up hope, we lived together for a year and I’ve now moved out of the city back home so there really is no reason to keep talking yet he keeps txting me as wants to stay civil, please help me as I’m going out of my mind, I’m struggling to give up even tho my head is telling me to but my heart isn’t

Lovestruck

Hello Mark, good job! I reckon with the internal transformation you spoke about. Working on myself.

A month ago my boyfriend of 13 months broke up with me. In my opinion, his reasons were vague and I considered him immature. After reading books and articles, I started to see that I was clingy and needy which got him emotionally exhausted.

I begged him to take me back but he has refused and cut me off. He said he wants an amicable breakup and I said never! I spoke to his friends and siblings, they spoke to him and now a mutual friend said he says he feels attacked and that he just wants to move on and I show him everyday how immature I am.

He broke up saying I’m not ambitious, challenging and I don’t let him lead the relationship. I know we have a communication problem.I have accepted the break up and currently working on my awareness but their is no way he can see these changes.

Do I give up? Is their any possibility for our reunion? I feel certain that he is no longer into me cos he told me so. He said he has fallen out of love with me. I’m sad cos he is a keeper and I kinda messed up with being overly emotional.

Mark

You have to stop getting his friends and siblings involved. You are the only one who can save your own relationship. Getting third parties to help you will only make the situation worse.

I think there are 2 reasons why he can’t see these changes. First, it hasn’t really become second nature to you. It is important to be realistic. Changes don’t happen overnight or just over a few days. For most people, it is going to take a few months of practice.

Second, it takes time for him to start opening up to you. Put it this way, he is probably guarding against you right now and is suspicious of your intention. After all, you have already done a lot of things that backfired.

So even if you have truly changed, he is probably not going to believe you. The only way for him to start believing you is that you have to be consistent with your action over a period of time.

I have seen people with situation worse than yours and they still manage to get back together. So I think there is definitely a chance for reunion. It depends on how committed you are in saving the relationship and whether you are following a proven plan that works.

I can see that you have signed up for my newsletter. On day 11, you should receive 5 videos that explain the 5 stages of getting your ex back. After going through that information, you will start have a much deeper understanding on the whole process of getting your ex back. You will start to understand why your initial actions pushed him away and why it is going to take time for him to start opening up to you and more.

So just look out for that email.

Lini

Hi mark,

Me and my ex. We had a very amazing relationship. I seriously do love him so much. I gave everything and I always try my best in this relationship so do him. Never get boring with me. Honestly we have been together for 2 year. Last month he become so weird as in he start to pull back. And told me that he needs space. So i stop my self from being clingy and whatsoever related to that. End up today he told me that he wants to end this relationship, it is so so painful. He told me that he did not making this decision all by himself he already asked a few of his friends opinion. Since my bf is a lawyer, he told me before he was so busy with his works and he’s going to implode because of the stress disorder. May i know will i get the chance to get back to him. Im totally insane and yes truly hurts when he contact me to delete all his video and pictures at all my social media. What should i do actually? Pls

Regards,
lini

Mark

I think there might be something going on in his mind. Probably something like he wants to explore his options or some sort of mid life crisis. Being busy with work is just an excuse.

Most probably, he still loves you and has feelings for you. However, inside his mind, he might be thinking, “This relationship is good but could it be better? Do I really want to be with her for the rest of my life?”

By the way, don’t take it too personally. It is not that you are not good enough. This is actually very common in today’s society because in the modern society, we have a lot of choices. So very often, people have the tendency to think that the grass is greener on the other side.

Also, it doesn’t necessary mean he is looking for a new girl. Most probably, he just wants to explore how it is like to be single again. The fact that he has to discuss this issue with a few friends means that it is actually a very difficult decision for him to make. Which is a great compliment to you. So don’t think that you have done anything wrong. Most probably, the breakup has got little to do with you and more with what is going on in his mind.

What you need to do now is to let him go after what he wants. Let him experience what it is like without you. That is the only way he can know which option is better, with you or without you.

Meanwhile, you want to focus on healing and working on yourself. This will give you a clearer mind. With a clearer mind, you can then decide whether you still want to get back together with him. Who knows? Maybe by then, he will come after you again.

As for deleting videos and pictures, just respect his wishes. Videos and pictures don’t mean anything without a relationship. If you do get back together with him again, you can always upload them again.

Jodi

Hi Mark,

I’m hoping you can help me please.
I’ve been separated from my boyfriend of 8 years for 6 weeks now and nothing I’ve tried seems to be working. I’ve done the no contact rule for about 20 days to focus on myself and see what type of person I am as an individual opposed to me and him coming as a pair. I contacted him on his birthday to say happy birthday with no expectation of a reply and he came back saying how bad is was, so we ended up texting for an hour about silly things and laughing before I ended the conversation. I messaged him again a week later to chat and he ignored me. Background on our relationship is we moved in together after a year and we have been together for 8 solid years. I found out in February this year that he had been gambling and not paying his bills which ended up in an eviction notice being placed on our flat. I paid the rent arrears and wanted to discuss the problems and try and work through them as a couple. In the next couple of months it was great until I found out he has done it again. I had enough of being played for a fool so I bagged up his clothes and gave them to his mum. I didn’t speak to him for a week initially and then I messaged him to see if he was alright and that I was sorry for kicking him out but I didn’t have a choice etc. He said he needed time to realise what he wants so we agreed to meet and chat 2 weeks later. The day of the meeting came about and he ignored me completely. Angry, I called his mums house (where he was living) and asked to speak to him. He agreed to come out and I picked him up and we drove for about 2 hours. He said he doesn’t think he would be happy with me anymore and doesn’t want to continue the relationship. Obviously my responses were natural (begging, promising to change and make him happy etc) and he just shook his head. This is the point I implemented the no contact rule to try and stop myself from being so needy and see if he would take time to realise his mistakes and calm down. I’m now 2 months done the line and I still feel the same was, I’m used to sleeping alone and not having him there to make my laugh but I do want him back in my life. He has since moved out of his mums house and moved into a shared house with some friends from his work. He has changed his number but we are still friends on Facebook (I’ve unfollowed him)
Any advice on how I can go about getting him back in my life. I fully accept that this may not be a possibility straight away but I am willing to make this work and work really hard of keeping it this way. I’m scared if I concentrate on myself, he’ll forget about me and move on. Please help me Mark, I’m really lost on what to do next!

Mark

First, I don’t think you have to worry about him moving on. Even if he move on, it is not necessary a bad thing. Why? Because both of you broke up for a reason. The last thing you want is to get back into the same old relationship only to face the same problems.

You want to move on from the old relationship so that you can build a new and better relationship. Therefore, don’t be scare of concentrating on yourself. You need to develop new relationship skills so that you can actually increase your chances of getting your ex back. Anyway, this is not something I can easily explain in a few sentences.

If you are interested, I can send you a report that gives you a more detailed explanation on why it is important to concentrate on yourself and develop new relationship skills.

Also, I think this is not the best time to make him realize his mistakes. Yes, no doubt he is wrong for gambling and not paying the bills. But I am just wondering. Is he always like that? Or did it just happen recently? If it just happened recently, why? Is he facing some major stress in another area of his life?

I think this is something you will want to take into consideration when you are trying to get your ex back.

Joy

Hello, good morning. Reading your material is different from what is out there right now on the no contact rule scenario where I am banking on making him miss me. Initially when he pulled away from me his “value” went up100% as he was too much too soon for me and my rejection of him is what caused him to leave me- I was unsure of him for several reasons but I wanted more time with him to start fresh on goals together ESP in the area of our faith … Instead he left me feeling that I was too indecisive and non committal . He has already been shopping for new love on line but has obvious attraction for me when I saw him in person.. But he says we “won’t work” he has repeated that in different ways several times however a couple who are friends of ours wants us to all meet- the guy thinks he can help us get back together, he thinks that my ex still loves me. My ex was open to meeting but he has no idea that there is an agenda as such and the agreement is “just as friends” if we do…. However, I was in the “no contact” mode when my ex said he would be open to all of us meeting and I said ” No, and that I’m Going to “chill for awhile” because I want him to know that I’m respecting his wish for the breaking away and moving on… Of course with hopes that he will feel insecure and want to contact me in a free days as to not let me go in case he made a mistake because instead of chasing him like I did right after the breakup, I’m now taking care of myself. ( I thought that would look more attractive than jumping on yet another opportunity to be around him) it’s been 3 days and after reading your article , I’m thinking that maybe I made a mistake and I should have prepared myself to have a good time with him and my friends. This way, something organic could develop that I was unaware of. What are your thoughts? Thank you so much !

Mark

Like I mentioned on my blog, the main purpose of no contact is not to make your ex miss you or to affect your ex in anyway. The main purpose of no contact is for yourself. It is for you to gain clarity, to heal and to transform yourself by developing new relationship skills so that you can have a better relationship.

So you shouldn’t use no contact to make him feel insecure. That doesn’t work and is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. With that said, there is a few questions you should ask yourself. Have you healed from the breakup? Have you truly transformed yourself? Have you developed new relationship skills? If the answer is no to all three questions, even if you meet up with him, no progress is going to happen because you are still the same old person.

Therefore, you should spent the period of no contact and put in serious effort to work on yourself. I suggest that you read this article to learn what it really takes to save your relationship.

Julie

I am 22 and he is 22 as well. I live in a town 45 mins away and I met him where I interned.

Our relationship budded quickly and emotions went strong. One month in he told me he loved me on the most romantic way possible and I was the first girl he’s told it to.

I went home with him over fall break from college to meet the parents it went well. They are very christian and I am Newly christian. They kept pushing believes but I was ready.

Now it’s Christmas break I have to work in FL all the time except the last week. I miss Christmas and New Years but he continually tells me he loves me

And that I will do fine he says how much he misses and how much I mean to him and face times daily and send me words of encouragement.

The day I return I immediately make the 4 hour trip to his house to see him before class restart. The trip was perfect. We even talked about how losing his virginity to me was wrong but if we love each other we can go without sex and vow to study the bible together.

We get back to college and all is fine. One day he tells me how I make him so happy and he’s so happy and in love. Then the next day he says he wants to see me again

He takes me to the racquet ball room and breaks up with me because he ” loves and cares so much” I bawl bc it is a shock and I love him so much. I bought him hockey tickets to his fav team for Valentine’s Day just the day before and he knew.

I continually break the no contact rule. I before this didn’t know I was hormonaly unstable. It was before I realized I was pregnant so I was irrational. I was kinda rude and grumpy but mood swings happen.

I end up losing the baby. I hate myself and keep arguing and talking to him. Then he blocks me and delted all sign of me.

I love him so much. I want him back. Is it possible? What do I do? He says he literally woke up that morning of the breakup with the thought to dump me so he did.

Is there any saving it. I know we both love each other. He says friends later but I want more. Neither of us have ever connected to someone in this way before.

Mark

Hi Julie,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. If you still want to get back together with him, the first thing you have to do is to get yourself to a good place emotionally. Because if you are still extremely emotional, you will have the tendency to argue and dump your emotions onto him. This will push him further away.

First, you need to learn to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for the loss of your baby. Understand that you are just a human being and sometimes, things are just out of your control and you have already tried your best. If you still find it difficult to forgive yourself, you may want to consider getting professional help. Find a therapist that you can trust. You need to focus on healing yourself first before you attempt to save your relationship.

Brie

Hello,
I was in an on and off again relationship of 3 years. Love the guy with all my heart. Noticed he was pulling away recently, even though we’ve had loads of issues. Found out when I went to check up on him, he is going through a lot emotionally in his life including us. We both broke down and cried while he told me he could not do this anymore. I felt like we broke up on good terms, because he didn’t say he never wanted to see me again. He said he didn’t know what would happen. I felt I handled it maturely out of all our breakups, even though I did plead with him once or twice, but in the end, I chose to respect his decision because I wanted him to know I was going to change. I just am unsure if this is the final closing on our relationship, which is the scare that all of us here have. Last time he cried was during our first breakup, and when he makes a decision, I know forcing him to stay only makes him feel belittled and resentful. Me seeing him cry again just made me feel like it was for good this time.

Mark

How many times have you broken up in the last 3 years? Is the breakup always due to the same reasons?

If that is the case, then you need to make sure that the change is for real. I am not doubting your intention to change. I am pretty sure you do want to become a better person. However, it is important to understand that just because you have the intention to change doesn’t mean you will definitely change.

That is because we human beings are creatures of habits. Sometimes, our bad habits are so strong that it is hard to change even if we have the intention to do so. So you may want to consider getting some help to change your habits for good. Maybe get an accountability partner or if necessary, go for coaching or therapy.

Rae

Hi,
It’s only been a day since my girlfriend broke up with me, she said there were a couple reasons for it being that she feels like she deserves to be treated better at times which I accept and agree I haven’t been that great to her recently, another was she thinks our personalities won’t match and I have changed since we got together which I also agree with (I stopped being aware and accepting of things therefore I am definitely going to work on these) and she said she feels like we both might be happier without the relationship…
from my view I don’t think she’s stable at the moment I think she’s quite stressed about university and her work at university, because she spoke to me in a way that she’s never ever spoke to me.
She’s a very sensitive lady and I really do want to support her because I think she needs support in her life right now with I’ve been neglecting from her but I also do need to work on myself and heal therefore I’m a little on the fence as to what I do? Should I try and support her by keeping contact but work on myself during that time or do I stop communication and let her deal with it her self while I deal with myself?
It’s only been a day so I haven’t decided completely what I will do, although so far we spoke civil and agreed that we will be friends but obviously if you suggest the best idea is to cut communication for now then I will let her know if she messages me at any time.
Please help thank you!

Rae

Edit on my previous comment I forgot to mention before the break up when we spoke and stuff she seems happy and this was a very sudden thing, she told me she loved me, she’s lucky to have me, sometimes doesn’t realise what she has etc. And even said she gets a little jealous that I spend more time with my university peers than her because of her being so busy which I understood and I tried to reassure her that I love my time with her more than anything and that she means a lot more to me, I think she understood but I guess she was a bit upset about the distance we have because we found it a little hard to meet because of the bulk of work we’re giving so far. But I had no signs of her being unhappy as such in our relationship apart from when we had arguments she’s say a few things then take them back sometimes

Mark

When you say “support” her, what exactly do you mean by that? How does keeping in contact help you to “support her”? Is that the kind of support she is looking for? Will that kind of support actually help you get back together with her?

I am guessing you probably don’t even know exactly the kind of “support” she needs.

The purpose of no contact is not just for you to heal, but also for you to develop yourself and to gain a new perspective. Right now, you are probably too close and too emotionally involved in the situation to be able to see things in a different way.

Chances are, if you stay in contact with her without significant improvement and without a new perspective, you will just keep on doing the same thing over and over again and that is probably not going to help you get her back.

Also, you need to help yourself first before you have the capacity to help others. So I would suggest cutting off communication for the time being to work on yourself before you reach out to her again.

Sue

Would this advice work for a ‘relationship’ that was only in the early stage of dating?

Talked 5months (every day, he was open), dated 2 of those months. We’re coworkers.

He pulled away, said he was busy so I gave space. He’d tell me he’d contact me, that he wasn’t ignoring (for a month). But now he doesn’t talk or text. See him most days in passing, he’s polite – smile, hello, wink, occasional comment – but it’s distant. I’d like to talk again but am shut out.

Mark

The advice here is mainly for people who are trying to get their ex back.

I suppose he is not really considered your ex? He was just dating you and didn’t make the decision to go official? So the advice here is not really that relevant to you.

If a man is truly interested in a woman, he doesn’t need 5 months to decide to take things further. Most probably, he is just trying to let you off gently. Because you are a colleague and he has to see you everyday, he doesn’t want the relationship to turn sour. He doesn’t know how to tell you directly that he is not interested. He is hoping that by being distant, you will get the idea and move on.

Samantha

Hi Mark,

My Boyfriend of a year suddenly broke up with me a few days ago. I was very confused as just recently he was saying how much he loved having me stay over and how he was gonna take me back to California with him(He’s in the military and stationed near me). I was highly upset and decided to ignore him for a day to get my thoughts straight. Needing closure, I decided to text him and we had a long conversation. Basically he feels that the relationship is currently unfair to me because he can’t give me the attention I need, he’s confused and possibly depressed, and he’s not ready for such a commitment, etc. He said he’d like to get his head on straight and he’s open to try again in the future if it’s meant to be. Since we’re both young (21/22), I told him I understood. The decision wasn’t easy for him and we both agreed we still love each other and miss each other. It’s only been two days but he has been texting me, I can’t ignore him because I think its rude and I secretly love hearing from him. I keep the conversations short, but I keep getting told he won’t ever want a relationship again if I’m there whenever he needs me without having to commit, and that he’s stringing me along. What should I do? Sorry for the long post.

Mark

This is sort of a big picture plan of what you can do.

First, you need to take some time for self reflection. Mainly, you want to get really clear about what you want. Because if you don’t even know what you want, you will be easily swayed by other people.

Maybe all your friends are telling you that he is stringing you along. Because you don’t really know what you want, you get discouraged very easily. That is why it is very important for you to get clear. Don’t skip this step.

Once you know what you want, you need to learn how to manage your emotions. You should also consider learning new relationship skills. This is because the key to getting your ex back is emotional connection. When you have mastered these skills, it will be a whole lot easier for you to connect with your ex on a deeper emotional level.

I talked about these skills in this article. You can read it when you have more time because it is a very long article.

Once you are in a better place emotionally and you have learned these skills, continue keeping in touch with him. Remember, quality is more important than quantity. If you have truly mastered the relationship skills, you will be able to have quality communication with him.

Over time, as you build up your emotional bank account with him, he may start to consider getting back together with you again.

You also need to understand the various stages of getting your ex back so that you know what to do and what not to do during each stage.

However, it is impossible for me to tell you everything within a few sentences. So I share all these information in my newsletter instead. You will receive these information on Day 11 of my newsletter. You can sign up for my newsletter above if you want to learn more.

Mark

I had been dating my ex for a little over a year. I was planning on marrying her. She was receptive to the whole idea. I told her that it couldn’t be this year; I couldn’t afford a ring. But I promised her that I’d propose to her on our second anniversary, next year. She said she would be counting the days.

Then she broke up with me two weeks after our one year anniversary. A week later, I find her on the same dating website I met her on, looking for someone new, and as of today might even be dating already, I don’t know. When I asked her, she asked me if I would be upset if she does.

She feels that I should just respect her decision, that since we’re not a couple, that I shouldn’t be upset, or hurt, or sad if she moves on. She gets upset if I ignore her, and gets irritated if I talk to her. She tells me that I should move on, that as of right now she doesn’t want to get back together with me (but she’s not sure about the future).

Before I cut contact to take time to heal (and I told her I was doing so beforehand, 13 days ago), she told me that she still cares about me deeply, that I’m always going to be important and her best friend, and that while she knows it’ll take time, she hopes that I’ll feel the same way. She says that she wants me to feel free to move on, to cut her out of my life if I have to, but she doesn’t want me to if she can avoid it. She tells me she wants me to be my own person, to be happy and whole, and that she’s always going to be there for me.

I know what I have to change within me, and I’ve been making progress. I started seeing a counselor and joined a support group for my more deep-seated issues.

And while I know I should cut my losses and move on, I still love her. I love her as much as the day I fell in love with her. It hurts to think about her with someone else, or moving on, but only because I just want to be with her, which surprises me that I’m not afraid or fearful.

I’ve been reading your articles, and I began working on meditation and awareness, but I was hoping for a more personal response.

(sorry for the long, long post. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.)

Mark

I guess I should add (I knew I forgot something)

Before the breakup, things seemed a little… off. Ever since Christmas, she had been a bit distant, and I wasn’t exactly the best of boyfriends (I became clingy and needy), but she was probably busy, since she had just transferred schools and was taking 6 classes. I did my best to be good about it, but I failed.

The day before the breakup, we were still talking about getting married, about our “future house”, she asked me if I’d be okay with having a couple of goats at our place. She even told me she loved me, that she’s never been as happy as she is when she’s with me.

Then… everything came crashing down.

Mark

What is your question? Since you didn’t ask me any question, I am going to assume that you are asking whether you still have a chance since this is a very common question. My answer will be, I have came across people with situation worse than yours getting back together. So you definitely have a chance.

Perhaps you also want to know how are you going to get her back. Well, I can see that you have signed up for my newsletter. On around Day 11, you will receive some videos about the various stages of getting your ex back. Watch those videos and they will give you a rough idea of what you need to do during each stage.

nike

Hey Mark.

I had a 1.5 year relationship with my ex. Then we broke up. Things at the beginning were good. Enough for us to think about getting engaged. But with harsh times on my ex, things were on a downhill. It was at times my fault. I didn’t respect his space and when he asked for it. I became an obsessive gnat. Fighting with him all the time. He grew aggressive. He told me he end up hating me. Then it finally came to a point where he left. I was shattered. Mostly because I knew I had a huge part in our breakup. After the breakup. We were still in contact for 3 months, after which we were totally cut off. Recently, I contacted him after a 2 months no contact period. And he has changed. After the breakup. He did give obvious signs to patch up. But now he doesn’t even bother asking about my well being. If I ask him abut his work, he won’t tell me. Its like he doesn’t want me involved in his life at all. But he replies to my text. And I still love him. What should I do? His reason for breakup was because we were not working out. And he thought we never will. But I thought differently. I felt it was just a rough phase. And we would eventually get through it.

Mona

Hi mark,

I and my boyfriend Broke up about 1 month ago. Our age is 26.
We were from totally different cultures and country. We had some issues because of some culture differences but we were trying to figure it out.
But there was an issue which was driving me crazy, my boyfriend used to be aggressive sometimes. In last time that he became aggressive and shouting, I had gone to my home country, I made mistake of telling him lets break up ( by text I said ) .. I wanted to punish him by this while I did not mean it at all. He said are you sure, I said yes and he said ok but give me a month of space. After one week he returned and said ok I accept the break up. I was in really bad shock, I really did not expect it. I tried to explain him that my intention was not breaking up, I started crying and explaining over and over and begging for another chance but he did not accept it…. he did not even want to discuss. So I decided to come all way back the country where I live and he lives ( his home country ) to talk to him in person but he does not want to even see me and he keeps saying he does not want to be in contact with me anymore. Instead of seeing my attention to him and coming all this way to talk, he got mad why I have came without any plan. ( I did not have any other option as my visa was just valid for 1 month and there was possibility that I could not have more chance ). The other day I went to his door to pick up some of my stuffs but he started crying badly and later texted me we will decide where to put your stuffs so that you can pick them. Since that time, I have stopped talking to him ( it has been about 5 days ). I really do not know what to do. I am so confused.
I should also mention that before me going back to my home country we decided to apply for a relationship visa, so that I can stay or come and go to his home country easily, the result of that process will be released in 2 weeks. He told me he has cancelled it when I came here. while when I called the immigration organization they told me its still under process. I really do not know what to do, I wish I could read his mind.
A part of me says he has made his decision and he will stick on it without caring to his emotion.
I appreciate if you help me with that.

Amanda

I have been in relationships with him for 5 months. He claimed that I am immature and too dependent. We have been break up for a month. However, We still work in the same company and he is my manager. No one in the office know our relationship. How should I do?

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