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How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend To Miss You

Don’t Try To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I know you are here to learn how to make your ex boyfriend miss you like crazy and want you back. But I am here to tell you not to do it.

And there are 3 very good reasons.

First, I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself.

Second, even if you don’t try to make your ex boyfriend miss you, he may still miss you.

Third, just because he misses you doesn’t mean he want to get back together with you.

I know all these may sound confusing to you right now. So let me explain in more details below.

If you have read the other articles on my site, you will know that I discourage my readers from playing mind games and using manipulation tactics to save a relationship.

So the purpose of this article is the same. My hope is to lead you away from playing manipulative mind games that can end up hurting yourself and your relationship.

 

The Myth Of Using No Contact To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

Before writing this article, I have actually done quite a bit of research on this topic. Basically, I was just curious. I want to see what other relationship experts were saying.

Guess what I see?

I think you probably know the answer already. 90% of the sites I came across were recommending “The No Contact Rule” to get your ex boyfriend to miss you.

Well, let me tell you the truth.

There is no way you can control when your ex will start to yearn for you. Some people will take a very long time before they start missing their ex, maybe a minimum of 6 months.

Unless you enjoy playing the waiting game, it is probably not a very smart way to get your ex back.

Now of course, there will be people who will start missing their ex after a short period of no contact. So maybe your ex will really start to miss you after around one month.

But there is a question I want to ask you. If your ex really started to miss you, what are you going to do next in order to get back together with him?

There is a reason why I am asking you this question.

You see, a lot of people seem to have this misconception that all it takes for you to get your ex boyfriend back is to make him miss you.  People seem to forget that there is a reason for breaking up in the first place.

Even if your ex boyfriend really decided to get back together with you because he misses you, eventually, he is going to leave you again if he realizes that nothing has changed in the relationship and the same old problems are still there.

I suggest that you read this article “What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back“. Don’t just rely on the passive approach of doing nothing during no contact and expecting that it will miraculously save your relationship  when he starts thinking about you. That’s not going to work in a million years.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but I am not here to sugarcoat things. I just want to point out the various possibilities to you so that while you are hoping for the best, you are prepared for the worst as well. At least when things don’t go your way, you will not feel so upset.

 

Your Boyfriend May or May Not Want to Get Back Together With You

Let’s try to keep things simple here.

I know relationships can be complicated. Maybe your boyfriend wants you back. Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he is not sure what he wants right now. Or maybe he will change his mind sooner or later.

But to keep things simple, let us just stick to 2 possibilities.

 

1. He doesn’t want to get back together.

If your boyfriend has no intention to get back into the relationship, you can use no contact on him for as long as you want and that is not going to make him miss you. In fact, it will help him to forget about you.

Sure, he may think of you from time to time but that is probably not what you are hoping for.

 

2. He wants to get back together.

If he wants you back, no contact will probably work on him. He will probably start to miss you.

What I am trying to say here is that no contact does not work 100% of the time. There is no easy way for you to know whether your boyfriend has started to miss you.

Also, as mentioned earlier, there is no point getting him back if it is still the same old relationship because he will probably leave you again soon.

 

The Purpose Of No Contact Is Not To Make Him Miss You

In the first place, no contact is not meant to be used as a tactic to get your ex boyfriend to miss you. NC is supposed to be used purely as a tool for healing. This is because most people will be very emotional just after a break up. Dealing with an ex during this period of time is not going to make the situation better and may even make the situation worse.

Of course, it is very possible that your boyfriend will start missing you after a few weeks of no contact. But as mentioned above, it can also go the other way.

 

You Will Be The One Getting Hurt If You Resort To Mind Games

You may not like what I am going to say but I am still going to say it.

If you are trying to make your ex boyfriend miss you by using no contact, you are actually playing a mind game, whether you are aware of it or not.

You are actually trying to manipulate your boyfriend. You are actually trying to play with his feelings.

When you are playing this type of mind games, it is going to cause you a lot of mental sufferings. Why is that so?

Well, because in your mind, you will keep on asking yourself whether your boyfriend has started to miss you. You will keep on asking yourself whether the no contact is working. Unfortunately, you do not know the answer.

You see. No contact is supposed to be used as a tool for healing. When you keep on asking yourself whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, how are you going to heal? You are just going to feel worse with all these internal dialogue going on in your head.

That is why I never encourage people to use no contact to get an ex back or to make an ex miss you. No contact is all about you. It is never about your ex.

 

Your Mindset Makes A Big Difference!

Now, I want to make sure that you understand this very clearly.

There is nothing wrong with No Contact. It is how you use No Contact that makes the difference! It is your mindet that makes the difference!

If you are simply using No contact to heal yourself and recover from the break up without worrying about whether your ex boyfriend is missing you, you are going to feel so much better. In this case, you are not playing games.

If you are using No contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you, you are trying to play games. Because of that, you will find it hard to calm your mind down. Now, your own mind is playing games with you. You are always wondering whether he is missing you and just that thought alone will make you nervous.

Can you see the difference now?

It is the exactly the same No Contact.

But your mindset is going to determine whether you are going to feel better or worse.

 

Your Boyfriend May Start To Miss You Without You Doing Anything

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that your boyfriend may start to miss you even if you don’t try to make him miss you.

That is based on the assumption that he still wants you back.

So if you are using No Contact for the right purpose, which is to heal yourself, you may be happy to find that your boyfriend has started to miss after after these few weeks of no contact, especially if you want him back too.

And because you have used No Contact for the right purpose, you are starting to feel better. You have a clearer mind. You will be in a much better position to connect with your boyfriend.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend has no intention to get back with you in the first place, no amount of no contact is going to make him miss you.

In this case, if you are using No Contact for the wrong purpose of making him miss you, you are just wasting your time, not to mention that you will probably feel worse when you realize that No Contact is not working.

 

Missing You Does Not Mean Want You Back

I find it really weird when some “relationship gurus” say that in order to get your ex back, you need to make him miss you.

Nothing is further from the truth.

There are a few key areas you need to focus on in order to save your relationship. I talked about them in this article. Making your ex boyfriend miss you is definitely not one of them.

After all,  just because your ex misses you doesn’t mean he want you back.

Don’t believe me? It is very easy to prove.

If you have been in several relationships in the past, I am sure there are some exes that you do miss from time to time. However, you have absolutely no intention of getting back together with them. In fact, you probably don’t entertain the thought of having a relationship with them again in the future.

There are also many reasons why your ex may start missing you. Maybe he misses the friendship. Or maybe he misses the sex. So if you invite him for a booty call, he will say yes. Committed relationship? No way!

The point I want to drive across to you is this.

You are here probably because you want your ex back. And I am here to tell you that making your ex miss you is the wrong strategy to focus on. You are going to learn a much better approach to get your ex back when you sign up for my newsletter below.

 

Don’t Get Involved In Their Games

I am guessing that you do not believe in mind games in the first place. Unfortunately, there are so many websites that encourages people to play mind games or use psychological tactics to get an ex back.

Hopefully, you will not get involved in those games. Even if those mind games do work in the short run and help you get your boyfriend back, they won’t help you get to the root of the problems in your relationship.

While I was conducting my research on this topic, I saw so many people posting in various forums, saying that no contact has helped them got their ex back. But you know what? Within a short period of time, they broke up again.

Playing games is definitely not going to help anyone build a long lasting and loving relationship!

Don’t play mind games and use ineffective strategies to get your ex back. You will end up wasting a few months without seeing any result.

If you want to learn the correct strategies to focus on so that you can actually start seeing progress and get your ex back faster, you can sign up for my newsletter below.

Sign Up For My Calm Down & Mindset Newsletter


You will receive daily tips that will show you how to calm down, deal with your negative emotions, develop the right mindset, understand your ex's emotional state,  understand your own emotional state and many more.


Having these knowledge will help you tremendously when you are trying to get your ex back.


 


Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 170 comments
Jenny

Unfortunately, it’s too late for me. I completely ignored my ex boyfriend when he was trying to contact me. He thought I have moved on and decided to move on too :-(

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Jenny, don’t be too upset. Just treat it as a lesson learned. The experience you gain from the previous relationship can definitely help you in your future relationship.

    Reply
June

Hi Mark,

My boyfriend of 3 years has broken up with me. We are in a LDR. Will NC work in my situation?

Reply
    Mark

    I don’t have enough information about your relationship but I doubt NC will work. You are in a LDR, which means you already have minimal contact with your ex. This is probably what causes the relationship to break down in the first place. So I don’t see how the no contact rule can help you.

    Reply
Sandy

I love what you say about not playing mind games. Relationship should never be about mind games in the first place.

Reply
    Mark

    That’s very true, Sandy.

    Reply
Angeline

I am currently trying the no contact rule now. Reading your article makes me think twice. What should I do? Should I continue with n.c.?

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Angeline,

    I need more information from you to give you a better response.

    In general, It depends on what you are trying to achieve with n.c. Is it to heal yourself or just for the purpose of making him miss you?

    Reply
rain

I don’t think no contact is necessary a bad thing. I feel so much better after 3 weeks of n.c. Now, I don’t even want to get my ex boyfriend back anymore.

Reply
    Mark

    Rain, you are right. N.C. is not necessary a bad thing as long as you are using it as a healing tool. It helps to give you mental clarity on what you really want out of the relationship.

    Reply
susan

Hi Mark,

My ex is ignoring me. Is he using n.c. on me? Is he playing mind games with me? What should I do?

Reply
    Mark

    It is hard for me to tell without knowing more information about your relationship. Tell me more.

    Reply
Rose

Hi Mark,

Thanks for sharing this information. What should I do if I have broken up with my ex for more than 1 year? Should I follow the no contact rule? I am feeling really confused. I still love my ex. Please teach me how to get him back?

Reply
    Mark

    I am not sure whether it is still possible to get your ex back after 1 year. A lot of things could have happen during this period.

    Anyway, I don’t see how the no contact rule can help you in your situation. As you have said, you have broken up with your ex boyfriend for more than one year. So I assume you have not been contacting him? So how is n.c. going to help you?

    Reply
Angelina

Me and my ex were together for 4 years and we were both in our first relationship. My ex broke up with me last Aug. However, we were still trying to make things work until the end of last Nov. Unfortunately, he got together with another girl in Jan. He told me he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. But he was still texting me from time to time behind his girlfriend back. I am confused. So what is he trying to do? Do I still have a chance?

Reply
    Mark

    It seems like he has regretted breaking up with you. But the fact that he is texting you from time to time seems to be disturbing you. Perhaps it is time for you to ask him what he really wants. Constantly guessing about what he is trying to do is not very healthy for your emotions.

    Reply
Lori

I can’t seem to post a comment on your site.

Reply
    Mark

    I was away for the past few days.

    Reply
Rose

Hi Mark, my boy friend of 1.5 years broke up with me a week ago. This is the second time he broke up with me. The 1st time was back to March 2014, then we got back together in May. We have been good together until mid December. We had a big fight due to his ex girl friend of 6 months before me. He claimed that they are just friend, but I know she called him a few times a day, and they went out for drink and dinner and stayed until mid night back to June last year, I wasn’t happy about it and I told him, she reassured me that he wouldn’t do it again if I didn’t feel comfortable. However, I caught a couple of times that she called him when I was with him, he went to a room to talk to her. In December, when I was overseas for holiday, they went out for drink and dinner again, when I confronted him, he was so angry and said that he wouldn’t give up his friendship with her, and he wasn’t ready and wanted to take a break to figure out what he wants……two days before this argument, he was talking about me and my daughter going to UK to meet his family coming Xmas….. It was awkward last a few weeks, eventually he broke up with me over the phone before he was heading off somewhere for holiday for a week. He said that we could have a talk when he comes back. He hasn’t contacted me yet.

I am so upset, and don’t know what to do. Re his friendship with his ex girl friend, to me, it is across line to hang out on their own and stayed very late, and constantly talk over the phone, it is kind of emotional affair to me. I just want to hear what you say about this.

I love him and don’t want to leave him, but I don’t want to be with him if he continues to remain this kind of friendship with his ex girl friend. He said that she had a lot of trauma in her life and he had sympathy for her, therefore cares about her…. I feel hurt when I heard this. Have I been selfish and insecure?

BTW, I’m a 50 year old Asian, he is 60 year old British.

Looking forward to hearing your insight.

Thanks a lot.

Please help me

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Rose,

    I shall answer your question by sharing my story with you.

    In my previous relationship, I got together with my ex when she just broke up with her ex.

    After we got together, she was still keeping in touch with her ex.
    And I know her ex was still trying to get her back.
    This carry on for the entire period (close to 2 years) we were together.
    (we broke up for other reasons, not because of her ex)

    But I didn’t stop her from seeing her ex.
    I didn’t ask her to report to me.
    That was because I trust her 100%.

    That is my attitude for a relationship.
    If I cannot trust a woman 100%, then I will not be in a relationship with her.
    If I want to be in a relationship with her, then I will trust her 100%.

    Before we got together, she told me she has no intention to cut contact with her ex.
    She told me her ex will always have a place in her heart.
    I can accept that. It is not a big deal to me.

    Also, there are areas where her ex can help her with but I can’t.
    For example, when it comes to job interview, because her ex used to interview people, so her
    ex knows a lot about how to ace the interview, how to ask for higher salary etc.

    This is an area I can’t help my ex with.
    So I am very happy for her when her ex can help her through this stressful period.

    During that period, she was constantly talking to her ex, asking for advice, sometimes till very late.
    As a good boyfriend, since I know I can’t help her anyway, I just let her be with someone who can help her.

    That doesn’t affect our relationship in anyway.

    Now let’s consider what will happen if I was insecure and jealous.
    We will probably break up a lot sooner.
    And of course, I am going to add to her stress, which is not what a good boyfriend should be doing.

    Now, let get back to your situation.

    First, I don’t know your boyfriend personally, so I don’t want to make any judgement.

    But I just want to point out a few things.

    First, he was with her for 6 months. He was with you for 1.5 years. So in that aspect, you win.

    Second, since he has the intention to bring you and your daughter to meet his family, that already means he is serious about you.

    I understand that he is seeing her behind your back even though he promised you not to do so.
    I am not saying that lying to you is the right thing to do.

    But maybe you can try to understand it from his perspective.
    Maybe he knows you will get jealous and argue with him about it.
    In order to avoid argument, might as well do it behind your back.

    Just because he is meeting her behind your back doesn’t necessary mean he has done anything that crosses the line.

    Staying very late may also not mean anything. It simply means staying very late. Sometimes, when you attach your own interpretation to a situation, it may make a situation more complicated than it needs to be.

    If what he is telling you is true, she is going through a very difficult time, then it simply means he is a nice guy.

    But of course, I don’t know him personally and I don’t know whether he has gotten over her.

    I am just saying in many of these situations, there is no need to worry too much unless he suddenly started to neglect you.

    The fact is, the more you prevent someone from doing something, the more he will want to do it.
    Instead of drawing him nearer which it what you are trying to do, it is going to achieve the opposite effect.

    If you can learn how to deal with this situation with an open heart, maybe that will yield better results.

    I won’t say you are selfish and insecure.
    Maybe a better to say it is that you have been conditioned to react in this way.
    Maybe you can learn to look at things from a different perspective.

    I hope my story has given you a new perspective to look at things.

    You may also want to read this article:
    Should I Let My Boyfriend Be Friends With His Ex?

    Reply
      Rose

      hi Mark, thank you for your insight, and I agree with what you said completely. I know He has a good heart, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with it. Now I have pushed him away, what should I do now to get him back? This is the 2rd time we broke up. Can you please help me?

      I purchased the Ex Solution Program, but only did the Phase 1.

      Thank you with my full heart.

      Regards,

      Rose

      Reply
        Mark

        Hi Rose,

        They don’t release Phase 2 now for a reason.

        They have run the program for 5 years and they have tested it. They realized that when they release Phase 2 too early, their customers don’t get results. That is because people just skip Phase 1 and go straight into Phase 2.

        Rose, you really need to be patient when you are trying to get your ex back.

        You mentioned that this is the 2nd time you broke up. If you try to get him back now, without the skills in phase 1, even if you succeed, it is very likely that a 3rd break up will happen because you don’t have the awareness to stop yourself from reacting on autopilot.

        That is why you really need to practise the skills in phase 1 before you go into phase 2. Please trust the coaches there. You are in good hands there. Don’t try to skip steps.

        Take a look at the screenshot I captured from the forum:

        This lady also wants to access phase 2 when she first bought the program. But she decided to put off contacting her ex after going through phase 2. So Rose, I really hope you can be a little bit more patient. I know you may be worried about him falling in love with the other woman. Don’t worry.

        If you actually try to get him back now, you may end up pushing him to her. However, if you actually take the time to cultivate the skills in phase 1, you will have an advantage over her. And as I mentioned earlier, maybe your ex is really just helping her out of a good heart and has no romantic interest in her now.

        Reply
        Rose

        Hi Mark, thanks again for your advice. I take your words and will be patient. I won’t worry too much about if my ex will answer or return my call, I’m sure he will. As since he told me that he wanted to end our relationship over the phone and told me that we could have a chat when he came back from camping, but neither of us reached out. He came back for a week now.

        Mark, after I read your response about my ex seeing his ex gf behind my back, I’m tempted to call him today and tell him that I was wrong about his close friendship with his ex gf and wanted to ask him for forgiveness, but I didn’t do it today. I thought if I told him now, he might forgive me….. As I told him that seeing his ex gf behind my back is a deal breaker for our relationship…..I didn’t want to tolerate that……

        This is the main reason he broke up with me, I guess. He told me that he didn’t have romantic feelings towards his ex gf, only friendship, but I didn’t believe him. And he also said that his children didn’t like her, but they liked me…… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just couldn’t stand him seeing his ex behind me….. I’m struggling to accept and tolerate that. Please help me overcome this feeling of insecurity and jealousy….

        Thanks a lot.

        Reply
Jenny

Hi Mark,

I have done all the wrong things like text message terrorism, begging and pleading. Basically, I was too needy. Now my boyfriend is ignoring me. Can you tell me what to do next? Will nc work for me?

Reply
    Mark

    For your situation, nc will be helpful. Stop all the messaging, begging and pleading.

    Reply
Evi

I really miss my boyfriend. He seems to be using the no contact rule on me. Can’t I use the same tactic back on him?

Reply
    Mark

    I wouldn’t encourage that? Why do you want to play games with each other? How is that suppose to lead to a better relationship?

    Reply
Kenzii

He broke up with me over the phone 6 days ago, since over the summer we live 5 hours away. I made some mistakes of being very needy, depressed, and angry from stress of college the past few months. (I’ll admit it, I screwed up and lost my independence)
I haven’t contacted him since he broke up with me. He initially said he needed a break in a voice mail then later when we talked he said, breakup. I didn’t beg or yell. Just sadly agreed. We went out for 2 1/2 years and he told me he didn’t want to lose me and loved me two days before he broke up with me in a text while I was fighting with him (sad, I was being needy again go figure). He told me he was breaking up because I didn’t respect his family. I made some mistakes both there and by texting (which was unintentional) but I didn’t realize it was that bad. I liked his family. But they don’t like me at all now.

I will see him again in August since we should have a college course together. How long should I do the no contact rule? Until college starts back up? I just don’t think it will work for me since he has his family over him telling him how terrible I am. (so I assume) I know I made mistakes and I am now working on improving myself, but I still care about him and want to make sure he is ok.

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Kenzii,

    It seems to me that you are feeling very emotional now and I don’t think this is a good time for you to contact him.

    As you mentioned, you were needy on a few occasions and that is because of your emotions.

    So I suggest that you carry on the no contact with the sole intention to heal yourself, not to make your boyfriend miss you.

    I don’t believe in giving you a specific number of days for no contact because every individual is different. I would say as long as you need to heal yourself and gain clarity of mind.

    For now, don’t worry too much about how his family think about you because right now, this is something out of your control. Thinking about it is not going to make you feel any better and will only make you feel worse.

    Just focus on what you can control. Focus on healing. Do the things you enjoy doing. Read motivation books. Basically, any thing that make you feel better about yourself.

    Once you are feeling better and have a clearer mind, you will be in a better position to work on your relationship.

    Reply
maree

Hi Just looking for some advice i’ve been reading all these relationships sites hoping to get my ex back he broke up with me a week ago i have no idea what for he just stopped texting me and ringing me for a whole week and then he messaged me saying its the distance i only live an hour and a half away but i read the N.C to make your ex miss you and at first that was my intentions but only a couple of days ago i realised i need to work on my jealousy issues and my insecurities before i felt it was a good time to contact him again so i had something to show him that i have changed as a person and not the needy crazy woman that he’s witnessed since the breakup he then contacted me with just a hey what are you doing? now with the N.C rule it says not to reply I’m really confused in what the right thing is to do here do i respond?

Reply
    Mark

    How long have you all been together? Why did he break up with you?

    Reply
      maree

      we have been together 6months but we have been good friends for 2 years we had an argument i got jealous with him talking to another girl and i verbally attacked him then he stopped speaking to me for a week i texted and rang like a crazy person he didnt reply and a few days later he sent me a text saying he just feel like he should be single cause hes always by himself anyways and doesnt like it i live and hour and a half away from him and cause i work i can only see him on the weekends and hes in the middle of studying so he is home all day every day and no one visits him he has no friends or family and his very last text to me was its the distance and i need to focus on my studies without any distractions haven’t heard from him in two weeks then he sent me a text saying hey how are you? what are you doing? so do i respond and if so what do i say i want him back but i dont want to ruin things this time round any advice would be greatly appreciated

      Reply
        Mark

        Don’t ignore him completely because it will make you look immature.

        So you can reply him. Just a short reply.

        Manage your emotions. Don’t send overly long messages that shows that you are excited, angry or miss him badly.

        From what you mentioned, you rang him like crazy and his reply to you was he prefer to be single. That “desperation” may have pushed him away.

        For now, you want to convey to him that you are not desperate. So when he text you, don’t reply immediately. Wait a few hours before you reply. But don’t ignore him completely.

        Reply
        maree

        yes i think it was cause i didnt want to lose him so i kept calling and texting day and night and then he just said i just want to be single but when he made contact just wasnt sure what it actually meant or i have replied it wasnt much of a response just a couple texts but i havent heard from him again do i try to make contact or just wait til he does again?

        Reply
maree

when he broke up with me i asked him if he still had feelings for me and he said yes so is it possible that i can still get him back ?

Reply
Mark

Maree, wait till he contact you again.

From the way I see it, both of you are emotional now.
So let the emotions settle down first.

Is this his first relationship?

Reply
    maree

    no his ex who he has 3 kids with cheated on him and dumped him 3 years ago the girl he just broke up with last year did the same thing and he said he’s never been with someone like me who actually cares and worries about him so just scared that i have lost him completely

    Reply
    maree

    also i have gone off facebook is that the best thing to do?

    Reply
      Mark

      Don’t worry about the Facebook part. Just focus on healing right now.

      It’s alright to stop logging in so that you won’t be tempted to view his profile. That will just make you feel more emotional.

      Reply
maree

thank you so much for your advice i was so scared of doing the N.C in the fear of pushing him further away i more used it for myself and to heal thinking maybe in time he will contact me again but he has made first contact especially when we broke up he really hated me and was so angry but i guess time will only tell and im hoping that i haven’t lost him

Reply
Mark

When was the last time you have contact with him? Are you back together or broken up now?

Reply
Dee

Hi Mark,

Thank you so much for your advice on this website. I have few questions that i wanted to ask you, just let me tell you what happend to our relationship
Me and my boyfriend break up about 1 and half month ago, he is the one that initiate for break up, we have been in 4 years relationship, he is close to my family, and same as me. But we have different religion belief, but we agreed on respect each other religion before we start dating.
Before the break up happend, we are in LDR for 2 months, after we meet again i do sense there’s something different on him, i do understand when break up happend is not only one side responsible, but i know the primary cause of this break up can be me, because i am kinda stubborn, and emotional. I did beg him, to give us second chance, and i tell him things will be different, but he seems like dont want to give, and even i ask him if he still love me, he told me that i will always be part of his heart but is not enough to make the relationship go forward, he said his feeling to me just not the same as before, its really broke my heart. I did contact him after that, but he ignored me completely, so that i directly apply NC because its hurt so much to know that he actually ignore me, i just cant take it at that time. Therefore i begin to heal my self, i go out with friends, do yoga, talk and take care of my Family, pratice to be more positive and learn to control my emotion. I felt better now, but deeply i still miss him so much, and i did the NC is not as hard as i imagine, and Today is the Final date of the 30 days NC. I think the NC do help me on self healing, but like you mention above we do not know if NC can make our ex missing us.
I am kinda confuse right now, should i contact him and if i contact him what should i say to him?
I just don’t want to make him think about the despate version of ME when he first broke up with.

Thanks

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Dee,

    Usually a break up doesn’t just happen without reason.

    Did anything happen before the LDR? Did you sense anything different before that?

    I have this impression that he was probably considering a break up before the LDR but was still undecided at that time. But somehow, after the 2 months of LDR, he finally decided that he wants to break up with you. (I may be wrong)

    What do you mean by you kinda stubborn and emotional? Can you elaborate?

    Reply
Dee

He told me that we have different lifestyle and religion, so may be we should think about future about our relationship. Because he is working right now, and he share good relationship with his office mates. And i am currently unemployeed.

Ussually when we argue over something, he will be the one that come and apologize. Even is just a small things, but sometimes i dont forgive him directly, i did ignore him, and i know is wrong because for healthy relationship communication is the key, i did tell him that i am very emotional, when i get angry please do let me calm down for a while, but he doesnt pick it up. He always come and ask me to forgive and forget everything which is only make me more angry.

I am just not sure, if we still have chance to be together, or should i contact him now, or even is hard to imagine that he already move on to someone else. :(

Reply
    Mark

    Is he a very religious person? What is your religion and his? Just asking although I don’t think religion is the issue here.

    You talk about the 30 days NC rule. I would say, throw the rule out the window. Don’t be too fixated with the 30 days thingy.

    Instead, let your feelings be the guide. Are you ready to contact your ex now? Or do you still need more time?

    If right now, you can have this attitude of “I am happy whether I get back together with him or not”, then you are probably ready to contact him.

    If you still feel somewhat emotional, then maybe you are not ready yet.

    Since you are unemployed right now, why not look for a new job? Meanwhile, continue working on yourself.

    Reply
Dee

Before we strat dating, i did mention to him religion will be issue later for us, but he suggest we should respect and support each other, that’s why we can made it until 4 years. But when he want to break up, he use every reason to support his needs. Like we are to different, religion, lifestyle,etc.

Yes, i am looking for a job right now, and currently i am staying different state with him,we are in long distance. When we break up, he advice me to be strong, if we meant to be, we will be together in the future.

I wanted to contact him, but i just dont want to end up being emotional again, since i dont know what respond he will give me after that.

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Dee,

    I will give you my “guy perspective” here. When the passion is at its strongest in the beginning of a relationship, it is easy for a guy to agree to anything, be it religion differences, lifestyle etc.

    But passion won’t last forever. Relationship is hard work after all. Without the commitment to work hard on the relationship, feelings will fade.

    He told you that his feelings for you is no longer the same. Indirectly, he is telling you that he no longer wants to work hard on the relationship. That is why religion or lifestyle differences are now becoming an issue.

    I know you really want to contact him and I understand you are also afraid of getting hurt.

    But sometimes, you have to be willing to get hurt in order to move forward. At least, you get to know whether there is a still a chance or you should just move on.

    From our conversation, you said he has been ignoring you even though you tried contacting him.

    Now that you haven’t contacted him for some time, you can try contacting him again. See whether he will respond.

    Reply
M

Hi Mark, i really believe in what you said about not playing mind games. i’m so glad you’ve made that so important in your blog. please, i need some advice.
we were in a LDR for about 2 months when things started getting out of hand. he broke up with me by first saying its just a break and then it became a break up. he said he wants to be independent while we’re still young and i should do the same. we live in different countries and are in our mid twenties. he said he also wants to sleep around and make the most out of life. we were together for 3 years, got married 2 years ago (eloped, kept it hidden for a long time). we lived together for two years and depended on eachother for too many things i guess, because he told me he wants to stop depending on anyone for anything. i totally get it but it breaks my heart because i think i’m losing him. so in april he told me he doesn’t love me any less but can’t do a partnership, just doesn’t want a relationship. he said he can’t expect me to wait for him and he only wants the best for me as i am the biggest thing thats ever happened to him and he still cares immensely (and shows it). after that i stopped contact for a while to heal. i was in the worst mess emotionally and i needed to pick myself up when i get a message saying he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.

i tried the friend thing, it was nice, a little hard sometimes but nice. he always initiated contact, once a week, and then i started initiating contact too. it was going ok. on my birthday he texted saying he was thinking all day to write me and could we talk the next day if i wouldn’t mind? it was really sweet.

he visited the city where i live now with some friends. before he landed i said it would be nice to meet and he said he isn’t sure if he’s ready to do that. so i wondered aloud why then did he want a friendship? why tell me he’ll be visiting where i live? finally he said sorry, that he got scared and it would be great to meet. so we did, it was lovely and hard simultaneously. at this point we hadn’t seen eachother for 3 months. we spent the day walking around and having a beer and later we met friends for dinner. the day he was leaving he said it would be nice to meet again if i’m free so we did. but i made the mistake of making a move on him and we slept together. he looked very nervous about it and he said “i just don’t want you to expect anything from this, i don’t want to hurt you anymore”. i brushed that aside. afterwards i asked him if he had been with anyone else and he said yes. my heart broke again but i was prepared for it. he told me he hasn’t moved on from me but just doesn’t want a relationship now. we could both move on, he doesn’t know anything at the moment, doesn’t want to plan ahead, nothing.

i dont know what to do. i want to go back to where he is, professionally it would help me a lot. but ‘m also thinking maybe i should just go back to my home country. he told me it won’t make a difference where i am but he’s not sure. he told me he’s very confused, it was a very emotional day for us both. we were both crying. i told him we will be friends naturally, and i need some time to pick myself up. but i just phoned him, simply because i wanted to say hi.

i know this is very long but i would be so grateful for your advice and where you think this is going to end up.

Many thanks, M

Reply
    Mark

    It seems that his values in relationship is very different from yours.

    He still wants to sleep around when he has married you? Is this really the relationship you want?

    Hope you don’t mind me saying this. I don’t think the relationship is going to lead to anything fruitful.

    Reply
      M

      Thanks so much for your reply, Mark! we got married so we could live together in europe. he’s european, i’m from india. this was the only way to really live together you know? just to pass the bureaucratic crap. but we were way too young for such a big step, we knew long distance would come into the picture at some point because we’re still studying and following our dreams professionally. i was sure at some point this could happen, just wondering if there’s still a chance left for us..

      Reply
        Mark

        If you continue your relationship with him this way, things are unlikely to change.

        He will probably still be sleeping around, and then decide to look for you every now and then, while you are getting hurt all the time.

        I suppose you made a huge sacrifice, leaving India to go all the way to Europe with him? Is that how he is supposed to treat you?

        I will encourage you to move on.

        Reply
        M

        ok.. do you think he will come back?
        it wasn’t a sacrifice, i dont look at it like that because i love him.

        Reply
        Mark

        I won’t say it is totally impossible.
        Sometimes, miracle does happen and it has happen to me before.

        So maybe you can still get him back if you follow what I did.
        I will write an article about my story and hopefully it will give you some ideas on what you can do.

        Give me a few days as I need time to think.
        Hopefully, the article will be out by next week.

        Will let you know again.

        Reply
        M

        hi mark, could you please write that article about the miracle that happened to you? i’m at a dead end now.. still heart broken, even after a year.
        thanks, M

        Reply
        Mark

        I was actually going to write about how I got my girlfriend using the law of attraction. But on hindsight, maybe that wasn’t a miracle after all, maybe just a coincidence. Maybe it was really a miracle but there is no way I can prove it, so I decided not to write about it.

        Anyway, I think this article is probably more relevant to you.

        Reply
M

Thank you so much, I really look forward to reading it. In the meantime, do you think I should go back to India now or to the country where he is (where professional opportunities are much higher for me – but that means I still have to be married to him on paper). I don’t want to depend on him for anything, so if I find a job where he is now then I will be depending on him, just for the paper.

Reply
    Mark

    This is a major decision. So it is better that you decide for yourself.

    The important thing here is not to let your decision be influenced by your emotions.

    So don’t make decision based on what you think will help you get him back. You should choose the option that will really help you improve your life overall.

    So take some time to calm down first. When you are less emotional and can think more clearly, you will make a better decision.

    Reply
Morgan

My ex boyfriend of about 3 years broke it off about a week ago. We ended on really good terms there wasn’t argument involved, and we have talked once since the break up, and he says he needs some space and wants time to himself, “he doesn’t want anyone to be attached to him” and he says he still cares about me but he just doesn’t want the relationship. I didn’t want the break up at all, and I’m starting to feel like I don’t know how to cope, I just want to know if there is any hope for are relationship in the future.

Reply
    Mark

    Why did he say he needs space? Is he facing any difficulties at the moment? Do you know the real reason for the breakup?

    Reply
      Morgan

      We spent all of our time together, and he had gotten a new job and a new car, and he had mentioned something about having some family problems at home. But he says he still cares about me and loves me but he doesn’t feel the same way as he did, but a part of me thinks he feels that way because he needs space because we were ALWAYS together and the past 3 years neither one of us had time to do our own thing. But I still didn’t want the break up at all.

      Reply
        Mark

        He has asked for the space, so trying to contact him now will probably push him away. So you can leave him alone for a few weeks before contacting him again.

        Meanwhile, you can do your own things. I know it is tough but this is probably the best thing you can do right now.

        Reply
        Morgan

        Yes, that’s what I’m trying to do. Each day I miss him more and more, and I just wish I could know if he missed me.. I haven’t contacted him and I don’t want to because I’m not strong enough yet to just talk to him. I do want to be with him so badly I just wish that I could know if he got his space would he come back.. I want to make him miss me!

        Reply
Mark

You have to ask yourself what you really want. What kind of relationship are you looking for?

I believe you are looking for a committed relationship. On the other hand, he seems to want a relationship without the commitment.

Reply
    MM

    Hi Mark,

    Thanks for the reply. You’re right, I am after a more committed relationship. I told him I want a future in picture. Marriage is not necessary at this stage but at least I want to see what is in the end of the tunnel. In contrast, he wants to keep the things floating for a bit and now he says its hard to handle the distance. Ironically, after all, he still tell me that he love me so much that letting me go is the most silly thing he ever done.

    I love him. And want to be him badly. I don’t know whether It helps if I sacrifice my career and move over to Europe for him?

    Reply
      Mark

      I wouldn’t recommend you to go to Europe. I don’t think that is going to change anything or him for that matter.

      Hearing from your story, it seems like a potential on-again, off-again relationship if you do decide to get back together with him.

      Maybe you want to take some time to calm down and think about it.

      It is your decision whether you want to give this relationship another shot. But if the on-off, on-off situation continues, it may better to move on.

      It can be very difficult to walk away from a relationship but sometimes it is necessary to do so.

      Reply

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