Should You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend or Be Friends With Benefits?

I know this is probably not the first article you read about this topic. I have seen many websites telling you not to have sex with your ex boyfriend.

I agree that it is usually not a good idea. So why write another article that say exactly the same thing?

Well, for 3 reasons.

1. They Didn’t Consider That You Are Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

First, it is not like I am going to write exactly the same thing. I noticed many websites covering this topic never really consider that you may be trying to get your ex boyfriend back. So I decided to cover this topic in more details.

2. I Often Received Questions From Women Who Are Still Sleeping With Their Ex Boyfriend and Are Feeling Hurt

Second, I often receive emails from women who are doing so and are getting emotional about it. I want to let them know that it is not a good idea to continue having sex with their ex boyfriend.

I understand that some women are sleeping with their ex out of fear. They are afraid that rejecting their ex will push them away forever.

Another common reason why women do so is out of hope. They are hoping that it will draw their ex boyfriend closer.

If you are facing the same situation, I hope this article will give you the courage to stop sleeping with him.

With that said, let’s talk about the 4 reasons why you should not have sex with your ex.

1. It Is The Best Filter In The World

Not all men are like that. But there are certainly men who are just using their ex girlfriend to satisfy their desire. The moment they know they can’t get a booty call, you will not see them again.

Just by not having sex with your ex, you can straightaway filter out a man who is just using you. If that is not the best filter in the world, I don’t know what is.

I can’t emphasize enough how important that is. You see, running a website like this means I will often receive emails from women (and sometimes men) asking me about my advice and opinion about their situation.

I lost count of how many times I see the same situation again and again.

Maybe this scenario might look familiar to you.

Basically, every time you see your ex boyfriend, you feel so good and so close to him. He was always the one initiating contact. And of course, you are making love with him.

He is acting like your boyfriend, except that he is still your ex boyfriend. When he is not around, you just feel insecure, not knowing where you actually stand in the relationship. You just want to be fully back together with him again.

Then one day, you decided to have a serious conversation with him. He tells you that he just want to be friends with benefits. He is just using you and stringing you along.

This kind of situation can be avoided if you don’t sleep with your ex in the first place. It is about protecting your heart and your feelings.

2. Men and Women View Sex Differently

I believe most of you will agree with me on this but some of you may think that I am just stereotyping. Oh no, not again. Not the same “men and women are different” bs.

Well, let’s put it this way. Not all stereotypes are created equal. Obviously, some stereotypes have no basis at all. But when it comes to how men and women view sex differently, I find it largely true.

So I am not stereotyping for the sake of stereotyping or just because everyone is saying the same thing. I am doing so because it is practical and useful in this situation.

I believe that most women do expect commitment from the man she sleeps with. That is why I often see women who are trying to get their ex boyfriend back say something like, “I have been sleeping with him. Therefore, I have the rights to know where I stand in the relationship.”

Unfortunately, men in general don’t view sex as commitment.

So if you are sleeping with him and expecting him to come back or move the relationship forward, you are going to feel cheated and disappointed.

Here Are Some Guidelines For You:

a. If you know you will become emotional and attached to him after the act, don’t do it.

b. If you are making love with him because you think that will make him want more of you and get back together with you, don’t do it.

It just doesn’t work that way as far as men are concerned. Yes, he may want you more. But he just wants more sex. He is still not going to get back together with you.

3. It Clouds Your Emotions and His

When emotions are high, logic is low. If you don’t know how to manage your emotions and think rationally, it is impossible to get your ex back.

Breaking up is already a highly emotional event. So there is really no need to add sex into the equation, which is going to create even more emotions.

Sometimes, people do get back together after sex because it just feels so good. Basically, their judgement have been clouded by the emotions generated by a night of passion.

Once the euphoria is over, they realize that they are getting back together for the wrong reason. The initial causes of the breakup are still there. So they break up again.

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back and more importantly, you want the relationship to last, you want him to take you back for the right reason. You want him to take you back when he is thinking clearly.

Otherwise, you may find yourself in an on again, off again relationship. One moment, you are back together. The next moment, you are broken up again. This is really bad for the health of your relationship.

Why is that so?

Well, in general, it is harder to save a relationship when you have broken up more than once.

Usually, people are hesitant to get back together with their ex even when the feelings are still there because they don’t want to get back into the same relationship that wasn’t working in the first place.

In other words, your ex boyfriend will only consider getting back together with you if he is convinced that this time round, it will be different and better.

If this is not the first time you have broken up with him, it is going to take more effort to convince him. After all, once bitten, twice shy.

Therefore, if you have a choice, try to avoid sleeping with your ex so that you will not fall into an on again, off again relationship.

4. It Spoils Your Chances For Getting Your Ex Back

Simply put, having sex with your ex is going to spoil your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back, based on all the reasons given above.

From a practical standpoint, why make your job more difficult than it needs to be? Getting an ex boyfriend back is already not easy. So don’t shoot yourself in the foot by sleeping with him. Don’t offer or accept to be friends with benefits.

I Understand That It Is Not Easy To Reject Your Ex Boyfriend

There are many reasons mentioned by other websites about why a woman will have sex with her ex such as “it is convenient”, “to satisfy an urge” and more.

For the purpose of this article, I am not really concerned about most of those reasons because they are easier to overcome. I am more concerned about these 2 – fear and hope.

I know sometimes, it can be easier said than done. Most probably, a part of you feel uneasy with the idea of sleeping with him. Yet, you still go ahead because of fear or hope.

If that describes you, I hope the next 2 sections of this article will help you out.

How To Overcome Fear

Perhaps fear is the main reason why you are still sleeping with him even though your heart is telling you that it is not a good idea.

Maybe you are afraid that:

i.He is going to leave you forever if you say no.

ii. It is going to reduce your chances of getting him back.

Well, there is no need to be afraid. Let’s address the 2 reasons one by one.

i. He is going to leave you forever.

Well, if your ex boyfriend decided to leave you forever because he can’t have a booty call with you, then he is probably not that into you. He is probably not a quality man in the first place.

Maybe it is even time for you to consider whether he is the right man for you.

As mentioned in the beginning of this article, this is the best filter in the world. If he isn’t a quality man, don’t be afraid to let him leave.

ii. It is going to reduce your chances of getting him back.

If this is what you are worried about, you may want to read the whole article again. As mentioned above, sleeping with your ex is going to reduce your chances of getting him back, not the other way round.

In other words, you are actually going to have a better chance to get back together if you stop sleeping with him. So it is actually the opposite of what you fear.

How To Deal With Hope

If you are sleeping with him because you are hoping that sex will draw him closer to you, then I am going to ask you to read the whole article again, especially the part on how men and women view sex differently and the part about on again, off again relationship.

Continuing to sleep with him is unlikely going to bring you hope. It is more likely to break your heart and bring you more disappointment.

Is There An Exception?

As you can see, a large part of my article is based around not having sex with your ex. That is because I believe most women will feel emotional about it.

Put it this way. There are definitely people who manage to get back together permanently despite having sex.

So yes, there is definitely an exception. If you can have sex with your ex without being emotional about it, without expecting a certain outcome and it doesn’t conflict with your moral or religious beliefs (in other words, you won’t feel guilty about it) and you know your ex is not the type of person who will use you, then you can certainly sleep with him.

My only concern is this. Some women may overestimate themselves, thinking that they will not feel emotional about it.

Or maybe I shouldn’t use the word “overestimate”. Maybe a better word to use is “impatient”. Basically, you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and you see no progress.

Therefore, you may start to think that sleeping with him will speed things up and hopefully draw him closer. But after the act, you end up becoming emotional about it.

There is no right or wrong answer here. It all boils down to how honest you are with yourself.

If you really think you can do it without any expectation and this is really what you want and you know your ex boyfriend is not using you, then go ahead.

But for most women, I will recommend that they avoid the bed.

Sleeping with your ex boyfriend is unlikely going to help you get him back. You will stand a much better chance if you apply the information I share in my newsletter. So sign up for my newsletter below now.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 44 comments

Ivy

Hey, so my boyfriend and I just broke up because we both agreed we are not really compatible. We are just so different and couldn’t really relate to each other. Would it be bad in any way if I were to ask him to be friends with benefits? Because I don’t really want to give up how good the sex was.

Mark

If it is just for the sex alone and you have totally no intention of getting back together with him, then it is up to you whether to be fwb with him.

With that said, I do have to warn you. Initially, you may think it is just for the sex. But over time, you are very likely to develop feelings for him again and want more.

When that happens, it is going to hurt you a lot if he still doesn’t want to have a proper relationship. So think twice.

If your intention is to get back together with him and you are simply using fwb as a backdoor, then don’t do it. Being fwb will not help you get your ex back. It will just cause more pain for you. Don’t waste your time on the wrong strategy.

MadamoiselleC

Hi Mark!

My ex boyfriend and I finally met after the no contact rule (which I believed I did the right one because I truly felt good about myself already even before we agreed to meet up). We had fun catching up and talking about our friends and I never once mentioned our broken relationship. I felt like our relationship can really have a fresh start. He was the one who kept asking me how I am and even told me he kept track on me on facebook. It felt good, I knew then that he still cares about me and still has feeling for me for sure.

But after we talked, he casually asked if I want to sleep with him. I laughed because I thought it was a joke and asked him if he was serious and he said yes. He then said that the sex we’re going to have won’t mean we’re back together after and that it’s just physical and no feelings. I agreed because I know for sure that I can do that and that I am very confident about my self already. So it happened. While in the middle of sex, he was asking me if I would want to get back together with him, asking me if I still love him and he “unconsciously” calling me “babe”.

After, he brought me home and he said he didn’t feel good about what we just did. He said that he doesn’t want us to be just physical and lust. I said okay, if he’s not comfortable with it , we’ll stop and it’s perfectly fine and I understand.

He asked me if we can talk again about that things I really want to tell him (because I asked him before to meet for that) and I said yes, that’s also my plan. Talk to him again, but that time, about us. We agreed to meet a week after.

Through the course of the week, he acted cold again. He texted me that he was sorry about what happened and felt guilty. I said it’s okay because I didn’t take that against him because we agreed it’s just physical that night.

Came the day we were supposed to meet, i asked him what time and where we would meet, his texts are cold but I didn’t let that bother me. I responded politely and warm. He didn’t exactly answer my text about the meet up so I called him, we was super mad and just ended the call. I found it so rude so I texted him. I told him that I was just asking and he didn’t have to be rude because I don’t want to be rude to him too. I told him that I will also talk to him about me being a month and a half late with my menstrual period.

His mood suddenly changed and said he was sorry. He called me the next morning, but he sounded such a jerk, I tried keeping myself together and not give in to his assholeness. He said a lot of things that hurt me, i got really frustrates and answered back then I cried. Then his mood suddenly changed again to good. He suddenly was so concerned. We talked about an hour about what we’re suppose to do then finally agreed to have a check up the next weekend.

What do you think is happening here? Help!!

Mark

I think you are doing well overall but since he mentioned feeling uneasy having sex with you, then it probably better to avoid it for a while. Are you pregnant now? It might be because he is not ready to get back together with you yet and suddenly, there is a possibility that you may be pregnant. This gives him stress and he is confused. That is why he is acting hot and cold.

MadamoiselleC

Hi Mark thank you for replying!

I haven’t had a pregnancy test yet because I wanted to do it with him. I can’t do it alone because we are both young, we are only 22 and he is still in school and I just started working. But I have an irregular menstrual period so there’s also a chance that I might no be pregnant. When we meet next week, I’m planning to have the test with him.

Anyway, i have seen the videos and I’m so sure I am at the riding the dragon stage right now. Because when we met, the night went so well and he seems so interested about what is happening to my life at the moment. He was smiling and asking me a lot of things and the mood was so well but yeah, he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him that night with no feelings attached that I agreed on. After that night, he went suddenly cold.

When we talked the last night, he admitted to me that after we had sex, he felt something and been thinking about it a lot. So i figured out that maybe that’s the reason why he’s cold and angry again because maybe he is confused?

How should I face the talk, Mark?

Gina

Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 1 year and 3 months. He broke up with me a month ago, stating that he already wanted to break up during the 9 to 10th month of our relationship but didn’t know how to say it out to me knowing that I will cry, and he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Said that he wants to be alone and didn’t want any relationship and that he dislikes girls. He also said that he doesn’t and want to be with me anymore. I kept contacting him everyday telling him to forgive me and not to leave me alone (Yes I know it’s wrong), and dedicated a song to him. He agreed to give me another chance to change his feelings, up till end of march (now is feb). Cause march would be end of uni and that’s when we will both go our separate ways. We both are in the same class so we see each other everyday. He treats me good in real life. I gave him something during valentine day as well, Of course, he didn’t give me anything. Had sex with him several times as well (he isn’t the kind to use people) and he kissed and hugged me whenever he had the chance to. He invited me to cny to see his relatives and sometimes invites me over his place for dinner with his family. We used to do this every tuesday while we’re together. Stopped after the break up and he resumed it again. We were like a couple after breaking up except without the title. Yet today I did something wrong of asking him whether he noticed the girl beside me, he suddenly said ” I don’t want to be with you”. (he treated me very well and we were very close the day before) *skip this part* I reached home and texted him if those past few weeks of us together did change his mind of him wanting to be single and alone, he said no. I don’t believe no feelings came back to him at all. Can he possibly be so cold-hearted? Are there any chances of him coming back to me? We are both 19 this year. I really love him I would die for a chance. What can I do for him to come back. Please help me.

renee

Mark,

Question me and exboyfriend broke up and he decided he wanted to hang onto us and “have sex” Until he gets his life together and then we try again. I told him I care too much to just do that without getting entomology because I still love him and I am not interested being friends with benefits. He is talking with other women so I’m like how is that getting his life together?? So basically he says he going to go his seperately ways and now we done again?? What’s up with that?

Mark

He is trying to get his needs met without meeting yours. He wants to have sex with you without the commitment of a relationship. You did the right thing by rejecting his proposition. So getting his life together is probably just an excuse.

Hi,
Just wanted to say thank you for this blog post!
It has been very helpful in helping me to be rational and address my fears of being alone and never finding love again. Because I was clinging to hope, I realized I was pushing him further and further away. This was the end of a long term 3 year relationship.
This guy and I were best friends before getting together for a year and a half, we shared hobbies and we originally met from singing together in a group. Our friendship was so strong that it was a very healthy basis for a relationship. However things began to fall apart slowly over the last few months after I became a full time student and he started embracing a new hobby as well as working full time. Our time was limited as it was, and in order to really give the relationship what it needed and spend time together, we began to have to make sacrifices in the necessary things we needed to take care of in order to give that time to each other. We were so busy and trying to get our lives sorted (we are both in our twenties) that the relationship began to feel like an obligation that was holding the both of us back from getting things done. We finally ended things a week ago, since then at first I was so desperate I texted him asking for him to forgive me and take me back-I told him I felt like I would never find anyone else like him (of course what every girl thinks during a break up). Looking back on it, I regret begging, it made me look needy and insecure, and that is not an attractive quality. When he came to collect his things from my apartment, we ended up talking and we also ended up sleeping together. After he left, I felt so gross for thinking I could lock him down through sex and have hope again. We both agreed we didn’t want to discontinue communication, and lose each other as friends, and so we decided to try the FWB route and stay exclusive to each other until someone else may come along in the future. Of course I knew this was a horrible idea, but my head and my heart were on two different wave lengths. Fast forward to a couple days later, he came back over to pick up two more things at my place that he had left, we had dinner, watched a movie and cuddled, he talked my ear off telling me about the things he had been up to. He even went as far as to comment on how great I looked and that he thought I looked really good from the recent weight loss I have had. We laughed and joked, it was a good time. We then ended up sleeping together again, and he stayed until I fell asleep and then he left. That night I could see that he was fighting himself to remain logical about the situation, his body language sent so many mixed signals. I could see the love in his eyes, and his body mirrored mine, but he was distant physically and wouldn’t reach out.
I realized the next morning that I could no longer handle the idea of going back to the boundaries of “just friends.” What made me feel even more miserable is that I knew the moment another girl came along, he would drop me and I would go through the heart break all over again. I texted him that morning after and I told him that I would no longer like to be friends with benefits and that I needed to let go and realize I would find someone else. I examined that I had been wishing things would work out again, but that I was ready to let go and lose him and move on. I told him that I needed to cease contact for the time being because I needed to heal and protect myself from further damage and respect myself. He responded quite angrily saying I was too emotional for not being able to handle the FWB idea, and that I was beginning to come off as a “psycho.” He said I was misleading/using him (haha really? It was your idea to be FWB) and that he felt we could never be friends because I would always be trying to get him back. He then said he would be blocking me on Facebook and that he had no need to ever speak to me again.
Without responding, I went ahead and deleted him from my Facebook, and I have not reached out or contacted him since. He has not blocked me from Facebook, and mutual friends have told me he has reached out to them to ask about how I am doing. I will continue no contact for the next 30 days…I have been trying to stay busy by making new friends and doing new things. I am focusing 100% on myself and creating a whole new balanced, healthy me. I can’t feel sorry for myself, or be depressed. I realize the best way to get him back is to get back to the woman I once was, find that confident and secure woman that doesn’t beg for a man’s affection or love to feel validated. That is the woman that he fell in love with originally, and that is the only way I will have any chance for him to come back.

Mark

Glad you find this post helpful.

You made the right decision to focus on healing and working on yourself. This is an important first step to getting your ex back.

Anyway, from what you have said so far, I believe he still has very strong feelings for you. So there is definitely a chance for you to get back together but there is no need to rush the process. Take the time to allow yourself to recover emotionally. You can also follow the tips I mentioned in this article.

Genevieve Goole

Thanks for your blog. I split with my man as he needed to put his recovery first. We had a period of silence and not speaking, then started sleeping together, I hoped this would reunite us. He just wants to be friends with benefits…but I really just wanted him back. We’ve had arguments based mainly on my jealousy, and I recently made him make a pact that we wouldn’t sleep together anymore as it was causing too much bad feeling. I am friends with him still and he helps me out but deep down I still love him, but I know he doesn’t live me so slowly I’m becoming to accept this for my own emotional well being. Its hard as we have mutual friends.

Mark

What do you mean by “put his recovery first”? You also mentioned arguments over jealousy. Why?

Is there a legitimate reason such as he flirts with other women often. Or is it because of your insecurity.

Maybe you can provide more details so that I can give you a better answer.

My boyfriend and I recently split during a 14 days trip together. He undressed me on day 5 but then we ended up talking instead about the fact that he feels unable to commit time to a relationship and just cuddled up to sleep. He left me with the decision about whether we were intimate during the rest of the trip, which as it would suggest little desire on his part, left me feeling hurt.

In case you need more details about our relationship. He is 33, while I am 31. We have been together for 2 years.

In any case, we shared a bed together again a few days later and each night we cuddled. One night, when I kissed him, things escalated but fortunately, he was unable to perform. I suspect this might be due to his anxiety and for me too, my desire was not so high due to feeling rejected by him. So our sex now is associated a disappointing memory.

I just wanted to feel closer to him but left him feeling embarrassed and myself more distant. I wish to discuss with my ex and let him know it is ok he had the difficulties but currently am in NC and its a hard thing to bring up much after the event, so it is likely yet another thing that will go unsaid.

Mark

I know you wanted to feel closer to him. Unfortunately, sex is not the way to do so. You need to focus on the emotional connection because that is really the foundation of a relationship.

Sex without the corresponding level of emotional connection often lead to guilt or other kinds of negative feelings.

You may want to focus on developing the skills mentioned here instead.

Also, when it comes to getting your ex back, certain things are better left unsaid, or at least waiting till the right timing to say it.

I am not exactly sure what difficulties you are referring to but I will not suggest that you talk about that the next time you talk to him.

Shir

Hello Mr Ong,

I was wondering if you could advice me on this small matter of mine.
Basically I think I screwed up the relationship between an ex and I who is currently also (technically) my friend with benefits.

When we started seeing each other I warned him that I was due to leave in a couple of years for university, 6 months down the line everything was pretty swell whilst we tried with up-most effort to not to get too attached with each other, a very casual relationship. But evidently the “talk” emerged and decided to separate right at that moment because we thought that it would be for the best since it will be easier for him when I leave. Reluctantly I didn’t argue his suggestion because he doesn’t think long-distance between us would work (didn’t ask why). We then continued talking and went for a stroll for 2 hours to then exchanged a farewell hug and kiss. We had a pretty pleasant break up.

After 2 months of no contact, I received a message from him asking if I still needed help to find a decent car for when I leave Uni. As the afternoon progressed quicker than expected we went for dinner then back to his for a movie night… then it just happened.

Ever since we have been continued sleeping with each other and socialising with mutual friends for about 4 months now. Our friends are very aware of our circumstances and believe we need to resolve something between him and I. They think the situation is unhealthy because of my feelings for him and he is unaware. I personally think he no longer sees me as a romantic partner but I am too afraid to confront him, especially when I’m leaving for University soon. They advised that we should have another serious talk to get back together or call it quits.

What do you think I should do to tackle the issue?

Mark

I think your friends are right when they say you should talk to him about it. However, I don’t you have to limit it to 2 choices, either getting back together or calling it quits.

What about a third option, talk to him and see whether he is willing to give the relationship another shot. Tell him that if it works, great. If not, it is not too late to call it quits. This is because when you give him only 2 options, it makes it seem like an ultimatum. Ultimatum seldom work. When you force someone to make a decision, they will usually make a decision against you.

If you don’t talk to him about it, you are just suffering in silence. If you talk to him about it, there is still a possibility he will reject you but at least there is a chance he will say yes. Even if he says no, it doesn’t necessary mean the relationship is over. You can just move on with your life and maybe reconnect with him again at a later stage of your life, if you still have feelings for him by then.

Eve

Hello Mr Ong

Reading your article made me realize that it might not be a good idea to have sex with an ex, and might even spoil the chances. If I stopped now (Only happened once so far), is it already too late and the chances decreased?

Mark

Don’t worry. It is not too late to stop.

Hanna

Hi,
thanks for your blog, it is really helpful.

I wanted to know some advices from you. Here is my situation:

Me and my boyfriend broke up 4 weeks ago, we have been together for 5 and a half years. We still have our appartment together, but we agreed on cancelling the lease. However, he is still living in our appartment. Our pictures are still there. I’m staying at my mother’s house but will be back soon to our appartment for a summer session at school. I went once to our appartment and we slept together 3 times in 2 days. We agreed it was just physical. I don’t regret it but now, I won’t do it again until he commit. One week have passed, we didn’t talk to each other much. One day I just came back to our appartment to take some stuff, he was surprised. I tried to be cold, don’t ask him questions about his life and everything. He asked me a lot of questions to catch up. My answers were short. Then, I told him I had to leave, he asked me to go to the Movie Theater to watch a movie that he has always wanted to show me. At the beginning, I accepted, he seemed kind of happy. However, the movie we wanted to watch was not longer released so I just left because it was getting kind of late too. I didn’t contact him since and he didn’t either. This Saturday, I will have a party and he knew I was going and told me that he was going as well. What should I do? Does he still care? Can we get back together? Please help!

Mark

What was the reason for the breakup? If you want to get back together, it is important to deal with the root cause of the breakup. Without knowing why, it is hard for me to give you any meaningful suggestion.

Nels

Hi Mark
My boyfriend is insecure, he is manipulative, controlling, doesn’t want me around men and I can’t have girlfriends. He’s said he doesn’t have any problems with my family. He does however carry me on adventures and showers me with lots of love. He insists all we need is each other. We also have a great sex life and love each other even though I am totally opposite from the person he wants in his life. Fortunately I have come to the realization that I can’t and won’t live my life like this and we have both decided to break up but we are contemplating if we should continue having great sex or not; on one condition that I continue staying away from men. Should I still have sex or not?
Nels

Mark

My suggestion is no because in the long run, you are going to hurt yourself. Somewhere along the way, you are probably going to want a relationship again. And you already recognize that this is not a healthy relationship right? Unless he decided to work on his insecurity.

Of course, this is a personal decision. Hopefully, you make the best decision for yourself.

anon.

I’ve read your blog a few times and it does help me realize and wake up but then I get side tracked with my feelings again. I slept with my ex boyfriend a few months ago for id say 5 months. Then we started to be together again but not officially dating. Then after that we ended things and went back to being friends with benefits. We then stopped for three months and it was actually my choice on Monday to see him again. HUGE mistake because now I am in my feelings. I just do this to make myself feel wanted by him I guess because I’m that torn about everything we’ve been through. Long story short he cheated on me and he was the first person I ever had sex with. So it is hard. I just want to hear some advice on how to not want to have sex with him for attention from him and to simply forget about our sexual encounters all together. Thanks :)

Mark

How was your life like when you were together with him? Do you consider your relationship as an enmeshed relationship?

Do you depend entirely on him for your happiness? If that is the case, you need to start from the root. Start learning how to be happy by yourself. I think there are many good books written on this topic of happiness. So I leave it to you to do your own research.

You cannot expect your romantic relationship to fulfill all your emotional needs. It is unhealthy. Enlarge your social circle and make new friends.

I don’t think it is possible to totally “forget” about your encounters with him. Maybe it is more accurate to say “get over” it. To achieve that, you may want to try some of the exercises mentioned in this article.

Ella

Hi Mark,

I’m not sure how old this post is, but I was wondering if you could still help me out…

After a 3 year relationship, my boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. It was me that brought it on, as over time, we both got busy with different things, and so I just fell out of love with him I guess, which was heartbreaking.
At first, it was a messy break up, where we were both crying and it wasn’t getting resolved and we were both just hurt. However, we decided to go out for a walk, and we calmed down and started to talk. I don’t know how it happened, but we just suddenly clicked and started talking and laughing just like we used to, and so we kinda realised that there wasn’t any love left in our relationship, and so this was the best thing for us. About an hour after we realised this, we were still sitting talking on really good terms, before he leaned over and kissed me more passionately than we had ever experienced in the whole 3 years. Kissing turned to touching and touching turned to sex, and soon we were lying on the floor saying how not-wrong that felt.
He mentioned that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if we kept doing that, and in all honesty I agree, but I’m scared that one of us will get too attached again.

What should I do?

Ella

Mark

Since you have been together for 3 years and only broken up recently, I would say both of you still have feelings for each other. It is just that the feelings are buried deep within. In other words, the seed is there. When the condition is there, the seed can grow, the feelings can resurface again.

So if you keep on sleeping with each other, it is very likely that one of you will start wanting more. The fact that you are even asking this question means maybe you are starting to fall in love again. It is just that you are not aware of it yet because it is still a seedling.

In my opinion, I think women are more vulnerable to this type of situation. So I suggest that you stop having this type of relationship with him to protect yourself.

Britney

Hey Mark, I broke up with my ex boyfriend for almost two months now. Well, I was his best friend and he had a girlfriend at that time, but I agreed to be his second girlfriend since I felt so damn in love with him. But yeah, as a second option, I knew that eventually we would break up and when it happened, I felt like losing hope for living because I lost my best friend and best lover at the same time.

Long story short, he is avoiding me now but sometimes he replies my messages like once in a week. Every day I send him a text telling how he means a world for me and I can’t live without him. I even offered my first time (sex) for him and yeah he said he wanted it. We will meet for the first time after two months at the end of August since he is now not in the city. However, a week after we had that conversation, he was cold again and rarely reply my messages again. I feel devastated but still want to give my first to him. Is it bad, Mark?

Mark

You are blinded by love Britney. It’s time for you to wake up.

He is not your best friend. He doesn’t really regard you as his best friend in the first place. A true friend will not hurt you in that way. A true friend will not make you a second girlfriend because he clearly knows what you want.

He is also not your best lover. Remember, he had a girlfriend. He has never been devoted to you 100%.

Also, the fact that he will take a second girlfriend even though he already has a girlfriend is already a sign that he lacks integrity. If he can cheat on his girlfriend, he will cheat on you too.

Save your first time for someone who really deserves it, who is devoted to you 100%. If you let him have it, you will end up being the one who gets hurt. So think twice.

Cosmo

Hi Mark,

Me and my ex broke up 1 week ago and we’ve been hanging out and talking as friends, the problem is we’ve broken up before and ended up sleeping with each other before ending up getting back together a few weeks to months later.

He’s my best friend but last year, there was a time he became really distant and I went to a friend of ours that took advantage of the fact I was sad and vunerable and tried to weasel his way in, I brought it to my ex’s attention but he shrugged it off and so I tried continuing a friendship with someone who didn’t understand boundaries.

The situation came back up recently, which prompted the break up, he originally said he wasn’t gonna leave me and we could work things out and then he switched it to if we work out, we do, if we don’t, we don’t but he wants to remain friends.

I want to talk to him about it but I don’t know when would be a good time, because he was like I think it’s time I moved on in a post on fb but he wants me to keep his clothes and stay in contact, I find that strange

Any advice, thanks

Mark

Right now you are probably somewhere at Stage 2. You need to wait till Stage 5 before you can talk about getting back together. I did share this information on day 11 of my newsletter. If you are interested to learn more about the 5 stages of saving a relationship, you can sign up for the newsletter. Most probably, you will have a eureka moment after you learn about the 5 stages.

Kassie

Hi mark,
My ex and I have been broken up for 5 months now. He asked if he could still be friends with me. And for the past 4 months we’ve been sleeping together at least once a week. 2 months into that, I already know that he started talking to someone, I didn’t confront him about it, and we still continued sleeping together. Since I found out about her, I started to try to tell him that we cannot do this anymore but we still end up doing it anyways. Cause there are days that I just don’t care that we had sex, I don’t feel emotional or anything even though I know he’s been talking to someone already but there are days that I feel used because this girl is really far away from here and he’s just using me to satisfy his needs. Just recently a week ago, he came over, we were talking and he ended up admitting about the girl. I told him again, I cannot sleep with him anymore. He started to get upset, he said this is the reason why he didn’t want to tell me in the first place. He started explaining to me that talking is different from dating. But I told him we just need to stop cause he’s talking to someone already. He said he would only stop if he was serious about the girl or if I’m seeing someone already. I told him I’m not upset if you’re already talking to someone, I just don’t want to feel used anymore. I don’t want to feel like an option. He said I wasn’t an option, he said I’ll always be his bestfriend. He said he’s sorry for making me feel used, he said he doesn’t intend to do so. He said he keeps coming back cause whenever we sleep together, it feels real, it feels good like we didnt even break up. But He said he’s moved on, one day he tells me that he probably moved on fast through using someone else by making a move into starting to talk to that girl (this girl had a huge crush on him) and some days he denies that fact. Idk. I’m confused with what’s going on with his head. This is the first weekend that we didnt sleep together. For the past days he’s been checking up on me, texting me probably every other day. He works nights so he usually txts me like at 1am or 3 am. I haven’t been replying well, I try to ignore his text. Cause honestly I think I need some time. Just him admitting the girl became a reality to me, that probably he did move on already. But I feel bad for doing so that I’m ignoring him. Cause he txted me around 1:30am again and literally said “you’re ignoring me, are you okay?” I read his message at that time, but I didnt respond again. For the whole day I’ve been feeling bad for not replying. So Before I went to bed that night, I txted him and I was surprised that he replied fast he said “dude, ive been txting, what happened to you?” So, I made up an excuse that sorry I’ve been busy with an upcoming event here at home thats why I havent been able to respond to his messages. He said it’s okay, he asked again if everything was okay, and we talked for a while but I already said goodnight after a few talks cause he seemed busy, they have an event in their place. He apologized for not being able to respond right away. I told him not to worry about it. I dont know how he feels towards me. He’s hot and cold. Some days he tells me he misses me. He would get all clingy. Some days he’s just cold and he apologizes for not being the friend he should be, he apologizes for not being able to keep up with our hang outs. Idk. Some days I want him back. Some days I dont cause I feel like theres no chance. What do you think? Idk if he’s just really being friendly with me or there’s still a conflict in him about the break up thats why he’s hot and cold.

Sharon

Hi Mark, can you tell me, me and my ex bf have broken up. I really can’t let go of him and I am asking him to stay only for the sex because I miss him and I don’t want to lose him. He means a lot to me. But he say he doesn’t want to take me back because I don’t listen to what he says and I always break his heart. I just don’t want him to leave me that’s why I suggest to be friend with benefits but in his mind, he will not take me back ever again. We have broken up over 3 times already. This time, he told me he just wants to be friends.

Mark

What do you really want?

I am pretty sure you don’t just want to be friends with benefits with him. What you really want is a healthy relationship where both of you really love and treasure each other.

The only way you can have a healthy relationship is to focus on improving yourself. He mentioned that you don’t listen to him and always break his heart. Is that true? If it is, what are you going to do about it?

The first step towards change and improving yourself is by developing your awareness. Of course, there are other skills that are also important if you want to get your ex back. I talked about this in more details in this article. I suggest that you read the article to learn what it really takes and what you really need to do in order to increase your chances of getting your ex back in a healthy way.

Sharon

Yes is true that I always break his heart, His age is 38, mine is 22 year old. He is my first boyfriend too. I really want to improve myself and be with him. Tell me what should I do?

Mark

Then you need to take some time to figure out why. I am not exactly sure what you meant by always breaking his heart because you didn’t give me more details. So I will just go with an assumption. Let say you always say mean things to him that hurt his feelings, then you need to figure out why you do that.

What trigger that behavior? Is it fear or insecurity? Is it because of how you view the world? Maybe you are a bit more pessimistic in nature? Is it because of some negative experiences during your childhood?

If necessary, you can go for therapy. Or you can read books that are relevant to your problems. The key is that if you want to save your relationship, you really have to work on yourself first. Otherwise, it is going to be extremely difficult for you to get your ex back because if your ex didn’t see any changes in you, if your ex can’t see that the relationship will be different and better, he has no reason to get back together with you.

Emily

Hey mark,
My ex and I were together for almost 2 years before I found texts on his phone suggesting that he was cheating on me. We just broke up 4 days ago but we have been talking since. I’m moving on and I know that I will be ok but I am worried about him since he seems to be completely devastated about the break up.
I can tell how genuine he was in his apologies and he continues to apologize to me whenever his feelings of guilt get to be too much. According to the other woman, they never actually met up since he was too guilty to go through with it but I still consider it cheating and I do not give second chances to cheaters period. We’re both pretty young, 20 and turning 21 in January.
We were planning a life together, getting married (he’s in the military) and having kids. I’ve forgiven him completely because I can understand his sincerity and I still want the best for him and I want him to find happiness.
Our predicament is that he still wants to hang out and be around me because obviously he still has feelings for me. I’ve told him there is no chance for us getting back together and he’s promised me that he will forgive himself and allow himself to find love again with someone else. I don’t like to mess around with people so I labeled it FWB as long as he knows there’s no relationship coming out of it and he agreed.
I guess my question is, should we continue with FWB? I don’t mind it and I’m already moving on. Obviously I love him still and I always will but my stance on cheaters stays and my mind is made up. He seems to be okay with it but I can tell he’s still hurt from the break up. He said he will accept whatever outcome this ends in, even though we probably won’t end up together in the end. Would it be better to cut contact and cease the relationship ? What would be best for him?

Mark

Hi Emily,

It is really nice and considerate of you. However, you don’t have to worry too much about him. He is an adult after all, so he can probably take care of himself. You don’t have to take responsibility for his feelings. Just let him decide what is best for himself.

Shaina

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me pretty recently, actually we broke up today. It is a very long story so I will try to spare you: His first attempt at breaking up with me was unclear, it came abruptly because of an argument. I quickly realized that I was wrong on my end so I wanted to apologize to him.
I came to his town and we went out for drinks where I finally got a chance to apologize to him. While he accepted my apology, I couldn’t help but notice that he was still very standoffish. We had too many drinks and went back to his place because I couldn’t get back home, the trains weren’t running. During our walk home, he explained to me that he meant some of the things he said in the argument, stating that we are very different in our approach to a relationship and understanding of what compromises we are willing to make in a relationship. He felt as though he would still need time because he realized that he compromised much of his own long term goals because he was considering me, but he isn’t sure if our relationship is worth losing who we are or what we want. He understands that I am flexible and he was trying to be as flexible in his goals and routine as I am despite acknowledging that part of him still wants to be selfish. I was too inebriated to catch on that he was breaking up with me. When we got back to his place, he attempted to comfort me because I really wanted to fight for the relationship and that comfort quickly turned into sex. Not realizing that this was break up sex, I did not get the closure that he received because I wasn’t aware it was his way of saying we were over.
The next morning I asked him to elaborate on the things we spoke on last night. He attempted to speak vaguely again but I asked him if we were still together. He asked that we take time to work on ourselves individually. He wants to be friends and that there is a possibility we can work things out in the future, but he really wants to work on himself. My heart was torn in two but I understood. He tried to joke with me and make light of a very awkward situation as he drove me home, but it was such a blow to my ego that I had not succeeding in winning him back, I was unable to react and there is a possibility that he thinks that I hate him. I don’t.
Shortly after getting home, I spoke to my mother about it and she cleared some things up for me, she helped me to be okay with the break up and to be okay with now being single after a year and a half. My heart still hurts because I still love him so deeply. This was the first serious relationship for me, and it was awesome to have spent that time with him, the good, the bad. I started to think that it may be for the best and I was going to leave him alone until I was ready to be friends.
Not too long after this, though, I started to believe that there is a high possibility that he may not have the intention to get back together, which I can understand. I convinced myself that I wouldn’t want to either, so I came up with the “brilliant” idea of attempting a FWB or open relationship with him. Sex had been the one area that we were most successful with. However, that theory was quickly shattered when I realized that there is still a chance that I will want to get back together with him, which my mother did not consider. To be honest, I couldn’t tell if was being sincere when suggesting this or if he was just trying to soften the blow and my mother assumed the former. Despite not being sure, I do want to get back together with him.
Aside from the small and some-what repetitive arguments we’ve had, our relationship was very healthy and the best thing to have happen to either of us. Chemistry didn’t fizzle out, we both loved each other and that much is clear to me but our expectations for the relationship differed. I know I need time to 1) cool down and allow my emotions to settle and 2) decide if our differences outweigh my wanting to be with him.
Currently, I really want to be with him whenever he’s ready, but I won’t sit around and wait for him either, I will be meeting other people and I will try my hardest not to allow this to stop me from meeting other eligible bachelors but I’ll definitely still be hoping one day he’ll change his mind because he is the only man I want to be with despite our problems.
My question to you, I guess would be this: in these circumstances do you think there is a possibility of getting back together? If not, do you think it would be healthy for me to suggest a FWB or open relationship while I meet others some time after the no-contact period? I really miss the sex and if I can’t have him as a S/O I still want to sleep with him a couple of times. Or do you think that I should count my blessings with a friendship?

Mark

Your situation is definitely not impossible, so the chance to get back together is there. In my opinion, your breakup is not caused by incompatibility. It is more because of poor communication (each party doesn’t feel heard or understood by the other).

I will discourage you from FWB if your eventual goal is to get back together. It makes things more complicated than it needs to be.

Let me give you an example. Initially, you may think you are contented with a FWB relationship. However, sex may cause you to become more emotionally attached to your ex, especially for a woman. This is not something you can hide. He will probably sense it and start feeling guilty. Obviously, guilt is not constructive to getting back together.

The key to getting your ex back is to have a strong emotional connection with him. Until you have establish that level of emotional connection, avoid sleeping with him.

If you are interested to learn more about the 5 stages of emotional connection with your ex, you can sign up for my newsletter above. You should receive that information on Day 11.

Shaina

Thank you very much for your input and speediness + attentiveness to my message. Since yesterday, I have signed up for your newsletter and taken the advice of some of your other articles on this page, beginning with picking up meditation again which isn’t a foreign practice to me.
Just an update: I did get in contact with my ex earlier today as he asked that I text him my number before leaving after the event of the breakup. The intention of the message was to let him know that the reason we were not friends on Facebook (something he brought up) was because he may have blocked me. He told me then that he has simply deactivated his account because he wanted to dodge any fallout from our break up. I assured him that he needn’t be concerned because I am not angry with him nor do I have the intention of making his life more difficult. He thanked me, I thought it was important to remind him that I am not malicious like some of his past exes may have been and I think it was therapeutic for the both of us.

Now I will begin with the no-contact period, although I know I will see him again for one of two reasons: 1) I left my gloves at his house accidentally and he may attempt to return them, or 2) we are currently attending the same university so there is a high chance that we will see each other sooner than we can heal individually and we also have many mutual friends.
What is the best way to go about the no-contact stage if it is close to impossible not to see each other? I know him very well. There is a possibility he may attempt to avoid me physically and I have no intention of hiding from him, but I want to know the healthiest way to go about this stage in the process.

Mark

Just be polite and friendly, like what you will do when you see an acquaintance. You don’t have to go out of your way to talk to him. Of course, if he wants to talk, that’s fine. Just try to avoid talking about the relationship or getting back together at this stage.

Take note that no contact is not just for healing. It is also for you to develop your relationship skills so that you have the ability to connect with him and have higher quality and deeper communication. Low quality and surface level communication is not going to help you make any progress. That is why in the beginning, when you haven’t developed the skills, you should minimize contact.

Charles

Hey Mark,

Great article, how does this apply to getting a wife back?

Mark

Hey Charles,

Maybe certain part of the article is not relevant to you. However, I think the general message of this article is still applicable to your situation.

Regardless of whether you are a man or woman, trying to save a married or non-married relationship, sex alone is not going to save the relationship.

Sex feels empty without a certain level of trust and emotional connection (the foundation). So at the beginning stages of saving your relationship, when the trust and emotional connection is not there yet, it is best to avoid sex altogether. Unless, like I mentioned, both of you can really do so without being too affected emotionally.

Otherwise, it will just make the situation more complicated. Think of guilt, confusion, sadness etc. Just some of the negative emotions that happen after sex without the foundation.

Marie

My Ex boyfriend and I broke up after 1 year of dating, mostly age difference. He is 22 and I am 31 with 3 kids. He is on a career path in the medical field and works with a lot of older people. He recently lost his job and started working a fast food joint to help with bills. With that job came girls his own age. He thought they were in to him so he wanted a break from us to explore. Can’t hold that against him being so young and wanting to do my own thing at that age. The girls only talked to him to be nice and was ALWAYS friend-zoned. He did hookup with a couple of girls but broke it off because it hurt my feelings and because they treated him differently than i did. The younger girls were immature he said. Now we are friends with benefits. He calls and text me on a daily basis. We sleep together, hang out, and just cuddle watching movies like before. If he feels he is getting to close he will send me home and call me tomorrow. He has blocked me on FB so I don’t see who he is talking to, but I know all his passwords IF i really wanted to know. (he never changed them after we broke up). He buys me gifts and gets intimate. Tells me he loves me and stuff but we can not be together. I gave him things he did not want like an exhusband with 3 kids. What am I missing?

Should You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend or Be Friends With Benefits?

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