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What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Do you have what it takes to get your ex boyfriend back? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first time you heard of the concepts I am going to reveal to you today.

After all, most breakup websites out there are telling you to ignore your ex boyfriend during no contact, pretend to be happy, go to the gym, post photo of you with another guy to make him jealous, send him a magic letter and so on…

 

Is There Any Progress With Your Ex Boyfriend?

I believe you have probably seen them before you landed on my website. Perhaps, you have even tried some of the tactics above. If you did, I have a question for you.

Where has that gotten you so far? Are you seeing any progress in your relationship?

Or maybe it backfired? Instead of drawing your ex boyfriend closer to you, those tactics push him further away.

This is not surprising. After all, those are just mind games. In fact, if you are honest with yourself, you probably feel bad using those tactics on your ex boyfriend. You feel like you have compromised your own integrity and you are not being true to yourself.

 

Warning! I Am Going To Say Things You Don’t Want To Hear

Before you read on, I have to warn you.

I am going to tell you a few things that you may not want to hear but really need to.

I am doing so because I don’t want you to take shortcut and focus on the wrong things. This will help you save a lot of time and money. More importantly, I want to stop you from using tactics that will cause serious damage to your relationship.

For example, you may have seen some ebooks that claim you can get your ex back in 14 days or less using some secret psychological tactics that work on a man so that he will be down on his knees, crawling towards you and begging you to take him back.

(I am going to dispel this “14 days or any number of days” myth later.)

You decided to buy that ebook only to realize that it doesn’t work. Even worse, it pushes your ex boyfriend further away.

So you end up wasting 14 precious days and the money you spend on that ebook. Even worse, those dirty psychological tricks turn off your ex boyfriend.

This means you have even more work to do if you want him back. Initially, you might have a chance to get him back in 3 months if you follow the proper method.

But because of taking shortcut, now you have to undo the damages. So you have to spend 6 months instead of 3 months to get your ex boyfriend back.

Hopefully, after reading this article, you will know what doesn’t work so that you won’t be tempted to take shortcut. You will have a much better chance to get your ex boyfriend back if you follow the proper method.

 

Important! Don’t Believe In Everything I Say

You are probably going to resist my message initially and that is perfectly fine.

After all, I don’t want you to believe in everything I say blindly. Instead, I want to encourage you to think critically about your relationship. Take some time to think about whether what I said make sense.

Here is an even better approach. Try some of ideas I am sharing with you today.

See whether they make you a better person.

See whether they make you feel better about yourself.

More importantly, see whether your relationship with others improve.

The things I am going to share with you today are timeless relationship principles.

They don’t just help you connect better with your ex boyfriend. If you really adopt those principles as part of your life, your relationship with others will also improve, whether they are your family, colleagues, classmates, friends or even a stranger you meet on the street.

In fact, I want to encourage you to Bookmark This Page (Ctrl + D) now. Chances are, what I am saying is too much for you to take in today.

Maybe you will still go ahead (hopefully not) and try those tactics and mind games you learn from other websites, only to realize that they don’t work.

No matter what, I hope you will come back to this page later and start appreciating what I am sharing with you today.

 

The No Contact Rule ( N.C. Rule)

Let’s start with the no contact rule since this is probably the most popular and misunderstood topic in the get your ex back community.

I am going to assume that you already know what the no contact rule is. If not, you can read my article here: Does the no contact rule work?

 

What’s Right and Wrong With The No Contact Rule?

Almost every breakup website talks about the nc rule. So if everyone is saying the same thing, then it must be the right thing to do, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, it isn’t as simple as that. The problem here is that every website has different set of rules.

So now, we have one no contact and multiple rules.

Which rule should you follow then?

 

What’s Right With NC?

First, let’s talk about what’s right.

 

i. To Heal From a Break Up

Everyone agrees that you need to heal after breaking up. I agree too. After all, it is easy to say and do the wrong things when you are flooded with negative emotions.

So if you are using nc to heal, you are doing the right thing.

 

ii. For 30 Days

Also, most websites recommend 30 days of no contact. I agree with that too. I believe that most people do need at least 30 days to recover from a break up.

However, I don’t think you need to be so rigid with the number of days. If you are one of the few people who truly feels a lot better after 21 days, what is stopping you from initiating contact with your ex?

On the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend you to contact your ex just 3 days after the break up. That may be a little bit too soon. People generally don’t heal that fast.

Even if you have recovered from the breakup, your ex may still need more time. I would recommend a minimum of at least 14 days. For most people though, 30 days is a pretty good guideline.

 

What’s Half Right With NC?

Work On Yourself

Other than healing, most websites also tell you to work on yourself.

Basically, they give you superficial advice such as upgrade your wardrobe, change your diet, go to the gym, meet friends, date other people, be happy, increase your confidence and so on…

I think they are really missing the point here. That’s why I call it “half right”.

Yes, it is not a bad idea to make these changes. But at the end of the day, those are just very superficial external changes.

Those changes may not even last, especially if you are doing so purely for the sake of getting your ex boyfriend back.

I am going to make a wild guess here. I am guessing that your ex boyfriend didn’t break up with you because you didn’t go to the gym? So how can going to the gym help you get your ex boyfriend back?

I hope that makes you think a little bit deeper about what it really takes to get your ex boyfriend back.

Superficial external changes that don’t last can only bring you so far. Yes, your ex boyfriend might get back together with you when he sees the “external changes” in you.

But after a while, he is probably going to realize that you are still the same old person after all. Let say you break up with him because you are clingy and insecure, going to the gym everyday is not going to cure your insecurities.

When crisis happens, you are going to revert to your old habits. Your ex boyfriend is going to feel cheated and leave the relationship again.

 

It Is The Internal Transformation That Is Going To Determine Whether You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to focus on real, lasting internal transformation.

These are skills you need to work on starting from today. They will not only help you with your romantic relationship. They will also come in handy when you are communicating with your boss, co-workers, friends and people in general.

This is going to be our main discussion in this article. But before that, I just want to quickly talk about the types of no contact rule you should avoid.

It is important to go through them because I don’t want to see you sabotaging your own relationship by following the wrong set of rules.

 

What’s Wrong with NC?

i. Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend Completely

One version of nc rule is to ignore your ex boyfriend when he contacts you whether by phone, text messages or emails. Don’t pick up the phone and don’t reply.

This is a very dangerous and immature approach. It doesn’t reflect well on you.

First, your ex may think that you have moved on and decided to move on too.

Second, your ex may think you are playing mind games on him and get angry. Maybe he will start ignoring you too to get back at you.

Needless to say, if you are trying to get him back, this makes your job more difficult than it needs to be.

If you still need time to heal from the break up and is not ready to talk to your ex, there is a much better and more mature approach.

You can say something like, “Hey, thanks for contacting me. I really appreciate it. I would love to catch up with you again sometime in the future. However, right now, I am still feeling emotional over the breakup. I promise I will get back to you once I feel better.”

By doing so, you are keeping the door open. You are being honest and that kind of reply doesn’t make you look desperate or needy.

Also, it makes it easier when you are ready to contact him. You can simply carry on the conversation from there.

 

ii. Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I have already written an article about why it is not a good idea to use no contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you.

Here is the article: How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

So I am going to keep it brief here.

Basically, you have totally no control over whether your ex boyfriend is going to miss you. If you are using no contact for that purpose, you are probably going to find yourself wasting a lot of time.

You will keep on wondering whether he misses you. Maybe you will be spending hours on Facebook obsessing about his status update. Maybe he added a girl as a friend. You will start to question whether she is his new love interest.

Your anxiety level will increase. How is that going to help you get your ex boyfriend back? You will do much better if you actually focus inward.

Instead of spending hours on Facebook, why not spend 10 to 20 minutes doing the inner work exercises I am going to share with you later in this article?

I am sure you can see which approach is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Why Internal Transformation Is Important

Alright, now it’s time for us to talk about the internal transformation you need in order to get your ex boyfriend back.

You may be wondering why internal transformation is important.

Well, let me give you an analogy here.

Imagine that your head is itchy but you scratch your butt instead. Have you managed to relieve the itch?

Of course not! But you refuse to give up. So you keep on scratching your butt until it starts to bleed. Now, your head is still itchy and situation has become worse. Now, you can’t even sit.

Yes, I know this is a very crude analogy. But let’s be honest here. How many people are using crude ways to try and get their ex back?

For example, maybe your were too clingy. Interacting with you doesn’t feel good anymore. It is emotionally draining for your ex boyfriend. Therefore, he decided to break up with you.

So you go to the internet to find out how to get your boyfriend back. Instead of working on your clinginess, you found a website that gives you a magic letter that you can send to your ex.

So you send the letter. Not only does the letter not work, it makes the situation worse. Your boyfriend withdraws further. And of course, fundamentally, you are still the same old clingy person.

Now, your head is still itchy. To make things worse, your butt is bleeding and you won’t be able to sit for some time. Obviously, the right thing to do in the first place is to simply scratch the head.

 

Why Your Ex Broke Up With You

Do you know why your ex broke up with you? Yes, I know there are probably 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, I know every situation is unique.

But when you really examine the root reason for breaking up, it is simply because your ex doesn’t feel a strong emotional connection with you anymore.

It doesn’t matter whether the breakup is due to clinginess, long distance relationship, cheating or any other reasons. Because your ex doesn’t have a strong enough emotional connection with you, he doesn’t have the motivation to continue the relationship with you.

That is why you should focus on scratching your head. You should focus on real, lasting internal transformation so that you can bring a better you when you are interacting with your ex. The new you will be able to form a strong emotional connection with him.

 

The Internal Transformation You Should Focus On During No Contact

Awareness

The first thing you should focus on is to develop awareness.

Here are 3 questions that are probably in your mind.

1. What is awareness?

2. What has awareness got to do with getting my ex back?

3. How do I develop awareness?

Here is the answer.

 

What is awareness and how does it help me get my ex back?

The awareness I am talking about here is present moment awareness.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly replaying things that happen in the past.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly anticipating what is going to happen in the future.

It is important to develop your ability to stay in the present moment so that you can be more aware of what is happening both inside (eg. clingy, bad temper, big ego etc.) and outside (eg. your ex’s current emotional state) of yourself.

If this is the first time you heard of this concept of present moment awareness, you may find it a little bit abstract.

So I am going to try my best to explain it in a more layman language. Maybe the best way is to look at examples that can happen in real life.

 

Let’s look at the first example.

Have you ever tried talking to someone who is not fully present?

Maybe while you are talking to him, he is so busy checking his phone.

Or maybe while you are talking to him, he is looking at you. Yet, you can somehow sense that he is not fully present. (Very Big Hint: You cannot fake awareness! People can sense it!)

Maybe he is thinking about something that happened in the past. Maybe he is thinking about what is going to happen in the future. You can feel that he is zoned out.

Maybe he is your ex boyfriend? How do you feel when he is not fully present? Do you feel an emotional disconnection?

Are you guilty of that yourself? Have you spent your entire life not being fully present?

 

Let’s look at the second example.

Without present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are constantly thinking about the future. You are constantly thinking about what to say next so much so that you didn’t notice he is worried.

Ouch! You just lose an opportunity for deep emotional connection.

 

With present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are fully present. You realize that he seems a little bit worried. So you ask him what happen.

He tells you that his company is downsizing and he is worried about losing his job.

He feels more emotionally connected to you because you are actually aware of how he feels.

 

Let’s look at the third example.

Without present moment awareness:

Your boyfriend is having an important exam. Because of that, he has to spend more time studying and therefore call you less often.

Due to the lack of awareness, you are acting on autopilot mode. You are insecure. You started over texting him, surprised him by going to his place etc.

He can’t take it anymore and decided to break up with you.

 

With present moment awareness:

You are still insecure. You pick up the phone wanting to text him.

Fortunately, you have been cultivating awareness. Therefore, you are no longer acting on autopilot.

Because of your awareness, you managed to catch yourself on the act before you do something silly that will push your boyfriend away.

Because of your awareness, you can put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend. You know he still loves you but is just too busy to call you as often.

You continue working on your awareness. Eventually, you even managed to overcome your insecurity. Now, insecurity no longer has any hold on you.

Hopefully, after looking at these 3 examples, you have a glimpse of how present moment awareness can help you get your ex back.

 

Awareness Cannot Be Faked If You Don’t Have It

As mentioned above, you can’t fake awareness.

While reading this section, you may be thinking to yourself, “Ya, I kind of know what awareness is.”

However, that is only knowing it intellectually. You haven’t really developed the skill. This can be easily verified with your ex. If one text message or Facebook status update from your ex boyfriend put you back into panic mode, then you know you still need a lot of practice.

It is just like skating. Seeing other people skate is easy. But wait till you put on the skates. You will probably fall the first time you try.

The only way to learn how to skate is to practice. Similarly, you need to practice in order to develop awareness. You can’t just read this article and claim that you know it all.

 

Awareness Is Not A Magic Pill

Now, I am not saying that once you developed awareness, you will no longer be nervous around your ex. It is just that you will be more calm when dealing with your ex. You are also less likely to act on autopilot.

Maybe this is a better way to describe it:

With awareness, you will learn to respond instead of react.

 

Example:

Without awareness:

Your ex boyfriend is angry at you and tells you that it is impossible between the two of you.

You get desperate and start reacting on autopilot. You start begging and pleading. Obviously, this is not going to help you get your ex back.

 

With awareness:

Same scenario.

You still feel a sense of desperation. Fortunately, you have been working on your awareness. You are aware that you are going to react (beg and plead). Because of that awareness, you manage to stop yourself in the track.

You are also aware of how your ex boyfriend feels. You know he is saying that because he is angry at you.

Therefore, you know you don’t have to take “impossible to be together” too seriously. Instead, you are able to respond by empathizing with him.

So while awareness is not a magic pill, it gives you the capacity to deal with all kinds of awkward situations thrown to you by your ex.

This will not be possible if you are relying on text message or magic letter templates.

I understand that having some templates can be helpful in certain situations. However, you will still need present moment awareness as the foundation. You need to be fully present when you are interacting with your ex. Otherwise, what are you going to say once you run out of templates?

 

How To Develop Awareness?

There are many ways to develop awareness. So feel free to conduct your own research about this topic.

But since you are here, I want to share with you something practical.

In my opinion, one of the best ways to develop present moment awareness is through meditation.

I know there are other get your ex back websites that may have mentioned meditation. However, I think they are missing the point.

They make it seem like you can practice meditation whenever you feel like doing it. However, I really encourage you to make it a daily routine. Make it a habit.

I am not making this up out of thin air.

There have been a lot of scientific studies done on meditation. So it is scientifically proven that regular meditation brings a whole host of benefits. It makes you healthier, calmer, happier and more.

Of course, for the purpose of this article, we are more interested in using meditation to develop awareness so that you have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back. So you can treat the other benefits as a bonus.

If you are interested to find out what other benefits meditation can bring, you can find out more yourself as this is out of scope of this article.

 

The Breath Meditation

One of the most common meditation methods is the breath meditation. Basically, all you do is to sit on a chair or on the floor cross legged, keep your back straight, close your eyes gently and focus on your breath.

Follow the breath as you breathe in and out. The idea here is to be fully present in your own body. Be aware of your own breath.

This might seem to be an easy thing to do. But wait till you try it and you will see how difficult it can be especially if this is the first time you are doing it.

After all, you have probably spent your whole life not being fully present. I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming most of my visitors are at least 20 years old.

So you have spent at least 20 years not practicing awareness. Therefore, it is normal to find meditation difficult. While you are trying hard to focus on the breath, I wouldn’t be surprised if new thoughts keep on coming up, especially thoughts about your ex.

That is often called the monkey mind. The purpose of meditation is to learn how to tame the monkey mind, so that you can be more present and aware.

The Release Meditation Method

I usually practice the breath mediation but I do realize that it is not the easiest method to get into for beginners.

Fortunately, I came across this “Release Meditation Method” on Youtube. In my opinion, it is easier to get into for most people compared to Breath Mediation.

However, once you get the hang of Release Meditation, I do encourage you to practice Breath Mediation.

I embedded the video below. Watch for instructions.

 

How Meditation Can Help You Get Your Ex Back

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you can just meditate somewhere in the cave of a mountain and your ex will come back to you miraculously.

Obviously, that’s not how meditation is going to help you get your ex back.

What meditation does it that it gives you the awareness you need to handle both yourself and your ex.

For example, you may be someone who gets angry easily. You often argue with your ex boyfriend. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke up with you.

Without meditation, you will just automatically act on your anger when someone (your ex boyfriend) pushes your button. It is as if you have no control over your own emotions. You are living life just like a robot.

With meditation, when your button is pushed, you managed to recognize that you are going to get angry just one second before you act on it and explode on your ex boyfriend.

Don’t underestimate that one second. That gives you just enough time to make a U-turn. You are now more in control of your own emotions and it certainly makes you more human.

Of course, I am just using anger as an example. Basically, meditation and awareness works for all kinds of emotions.

Can you see how this is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

 

Meditation and Awareness Are Not Something That Can Be Fully Described With Words

There is only so much I can tell you about the benefits of meditation and awareness in words.

You really need to try for yourself to experience the benefits.

I know this is probably not the best analogy but I can’t think of a better one right now. So I will use it anyway.

It is just like sex. I can tell you how wonderful sex is and how great it feels. But if you never have sex before, you won’t know exactly how great it feels. All you have is intellectual knowledge.

It is the same for meditation and awareness. So don’t just read this article and think you have grasp everything. No matter how busy you are, try to block a period of time where you just meditate.

After all, you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your ex boyfriend back right?

 

Some Exceptions

But there are some exceptions. If you are suffering from severe depression or any psychiatric conditions where you are taking medications, then you may want to consult your doctor first. Otherwise, meditation is generally safe and highly beneficial for most people.

 

The Next Skill To Cultivate – Acceptance

Before you can cultivate Acceptance, you need to work on Awareness first. They go hand in hand. You can’t accept something if you are not even aware of what to accept.

 

Why Acceptance Is Important

I would like to start off this section with a question I received because it perfectly illustrates what happen when you are in non-acceptance (resistance) mode.

Hopefully, after reading my analysis of this question, you will start to see why it is so important to cultivate Acceptance if you want to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Here is the question:

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

As you can see from the question above, she didn’t give me a lot of details about her relationship. I do not know what causes the breakup and what she did over the 8 months period. So I can’t really give her very specific suggestion.

But I do see familiarity in her situation because it is very common. I receive similar question from time to time. Most probably, you will be able to relate to some of the experiences she is going through. So let’s start the analysis.

 

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35.

I am going to take this opportunity to dispel a very popular myth here. It is “Time heals all wounds”.

If you have visited other get your ex back websites, you will usually see advice such as just go no contact for 30 or whatever number of days and you will start feeling better.

There are also advice such as go to the gym, eat healthier, exercise, go out with friends and other external methods.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t do those things. After all, if you haven’t been meeting your friends because you were spending too much time with your ex, then it is probably a good time to start catching up with them again.

If you have been leading an unhealthy lifestyle, then it is not a bad idea to start eating healthier and exercising more regularly. They do help you feel a little bit better. However, those are very superficial stuff and won’t really help you heal fully.

Perhaps you have already tried doing those external things? Maybe you have even been in no contact for a few weeks. So are you truly feeling better now?

If you are really honest with yourself, most probably, the answer is no.

Sure, on the surface, you may be feeling better after 30 days of no contact. But the real test comes when you are interacting with your ex. If you find yourself always reacting over your ex’s every move and are constantly in a state of emotional turmoil, then you know you have not truly healed.

 

Susan mentioned she has used no contact for 35 days. She also said:

I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again.

From that alone, I know she has not really healed from the breakup after 35 days of no contact.

I am not sure what she did during those 35 days. But I am assuming that she is doing a very passive form of no contact. Basically, just waiting for “time to heal all wounds”, which is definitely not a very effective approach.

Alternatively, she may be focusing on those external things mentioned earlier. Again, not a very effective approach to heal a broken heart.

As long as she focuses on the wrong approach, it doesn’t matter whether she goes no contact for 35 days or 350 days. She won’t be able to heal fully.

I am not exaggerating here. Just a few days ago, I receive a comment from a woman who is still hurting one year after her break up. And I know there are people out there who are still hurting even after a few years.

When you are focusing on those external stuff, all you are doing is distracting yourself. You are simply ignoring and suppressing the pain but the pain is still going to be there for a very long time.

 

So What Is The Key To Healing A Broken Heart?

If you want to see better results, you should focus on cultivating Awareness and Acceptance instead.

Here is an analogy:

Imagine there is a hole in the roof of your house. Every time it rains, your house is going to be wet.

You can do nothing for 30 days and the hole is still going to be there.

Sure, you may start feeling better after 30 days but that is not because the hole is no longer there. It is because you have gotten used to living in a wet house. You are used to numbing yourself.

This may work for a short period of time. But eventually, you still have to face the consequences of ignoring the hole. The hole is going to become bigger. When winter comes, you are going to feel the effect.

You can also focus on the external stuff like scooping the water out of the house or placing a pail under the hole.

Yes, now you are doing something. But the result is still the same. The hole is still there.

Why not try a better approach?

First, you need to be aware that there is a hole in the roof.

Next, you need to accept that the hole is there.

This is called acceptance.

Some people may try to resist the fact because of various reasons.

Oh, it is so troublesome.

It cost money to get someone to fix the hole.

I have to clean up after that.

I have to stay at home while they are repairing the roof.

This is called resistance.

But there is no point trying to resist it. Might as well fix it now. The more and longer you resist, the more sufferings you are going to bring to yourself.

 

Roof Repair vs Break Up

Yes, I know the roof repair example seems pretty obvious right?

But when it comes to your relationship, suddenly, what you need to do is not so obvious anymore.

Well, it is not your fault. After all, a break up is a lot more emotional compared to a hole in the roof.

When emotions are high, logic get thrown out of the window.

And the fact that there are so many websites telling you to do nothing or external stuff during no contact is making you more confused.

That is why you didn’t have the awareness to focus on the right things in the first place.

Hopefully, after reading this section, you are at least aware that those approaches won’t help you to heal a broken heart.

You are going to do better if you focus on Acceptance instead.

 

Using Acceptance To Heal A Broken Heart

Acceptance is about embracing both the positive and negative experiences.

When it comes to healing a broken heart, it means allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, anxiety etc.

You need to accept that you are feeling hurt. This is the first step of the healing process.

As human beings, we have a natural tendency to avoid pain. That is probably why doing those external stuff seem so appealing. When you are doing things like dating other people, going to the gym, waiting for time to heal your wounds, you don’t have to face those negative emotions.

Unfortunately, you can only suppress those emotions or numb yourself for so long. Eventually, they are going to come back and bite you in the most unexpected way.

For example, a visitor of my blog once told me that she lost it one day. She was trying really hard to get her ex boyfriend back and wasn’t seeing any progress. Eventually, she lost control and screamed at her ex.

That is why it is so important to face your emotions now rather than later. The sooner you face them, the sooner you can begin the healing process. This will give you greater emotional strength to handle any obstacles when you are trying to get your boyfriend back.

Using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) To Release Your Emotions

One very effective method you can use to heal yourself is the Emotional Freedom Technique.

Now, I want to be upfront with you. I am not an expert in EFT. My only exposure to EFT was through a workshop that I attended a few years ago.

However, I do find EFT very helpful in releasing negative emotions whenever I use it. I have also seen how my fellow participants benefited from EFT on their first attempt.

The beauty behind this technique is that you don’t have to be an expert in order to benefit from it.

You can just start tapping yourself and experience the benefits by following the instructions in the video below.

Of course, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. I am sharing it with you because it has worked for me and I have seen it worked for others. Therefore, I think you may find it helpful too.

Just to share with you what I learned from my EFT instructor. For beginners, they will have a 50% success rate when using EFT to resolve their own issues.

However, for those with deeper emotional issues, self tapping may not be as effective. They can consider seeking help from a skilful EFT practitioner who has the ability to guide them through the entire process.

Just in case you are wondering, the lady in the video is not my EFT instructor.

I chose to embed this video here because after looking through a number of EFT videos on Youtube, this is the most relevant and helpful for breakups.

 

Accepting The Break Up

It is also important to accept that the break up has already happened. The old relationship is gone. Don’t try to fix or get the old relationship back.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Ok, so I accept the break up and I am going to let him go.”

If you really think it is best for both of you to go separate way, that is perfectly fine.

On the other hand, if deep inside your heart, you still want him back, yet you are letting him go without even trying, then that is not called acceptance. It is called resignation.

Back to the roof example. Acceptance means you accept that there is a hole in the roof and you actually do something constructive. You call the roof repair company.

The keyword here is constructive.

You don’t say something like “Ok, I accept that there is a hole in the roof. I will just let it be.” That is called resignation.

 

What Does It Really Mean To Accept The Breakup?

Accepting the break up means you don’t fixate on the past.

You don’t keep on thinking, “If only I have done this. If only I have done that. The break up will not have happen.”

The fact is, you can’t undo the past. I am not telling you to forget about the past completely. After all, it is a good idea to learn from your mistakes.

But once you know your mistakes, it is time to let the past go. For example, if your ex broke up with you because you were too needy, then just take note of that. Don’t beat yourself up for your neediness.

You can spend 30 days of no contact thinking, “If only I weren’t so needy, he wouldn’t have left me.” 30 days later, you are still a needy person and still not in a good position to win him back.

I am sure you can see this is not a very constructive approach.

It is much better to say, “Alright, I was needy in the past and still is. I completely accept that. I will do something to overcome my neediness”

Don’t you think that is a more constructive approach that will give you a better chance to get your ex back?

 

Accepting the break up also means recognizing that your ex boyfriend is a human being, just like you.

Sometimes, I receive comments from women saying things like,

“He is so stubborn!”

“He is a commitment phobe.”

In a way, this is a form of resistance. You are resisting because he is not behaving in the way you want him to.

Sure, your ex boyfriend may indeed be stubborn, a commitment phobe or any labels you are giving him. But when you strip all those labels away, he is a human being just like you.

Just like you, he has emotions.

Just like you, he has his own fears to deal with.

Just like you, he wants to be happy.

Whenever you use a label on people, you are closing the door to emotional connection.

If you label someone as hostile, you will have the tendency to react in a hostile manner too, basically fighting fire with fire. Obviously, you can’t extinguish fire with fire.

He will continue to be hostile towards you, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Needless to say, the interaction is not going to turn out well.

On the other hand, when you see him as a human being, suddenly he is no longer a hostile person. He is just someone who is angry and acting in a hostile way.

Instead of reacting with hostility, you become curious about him. You started wondering why he is so angry and acting hostile.

You started talking to him with empathy and found out why he was in such a bad mood.

Maybe he just lost his job and he is worried about his home being repossessed.

Now, you have opened the door to emotional connection. He felt understood by you. Obviously, he is no longer hostile towards you.

If you are able to bring the same level of acceptance in your interaction with your ex boyfriend, you are going to have a much better chance to establish an emotional connection with him.

 

Accepting the breakup also means being at peace with the fact that he is no longer your boyfriend.

In other words, you need to accept that he is no longer going to call you or text you everyday.

You need to accept that he is no longer going to celebrate your birthday for you.

You need to accept that he has the rights to date other women.

You need to accept that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.

At this point, you may be thinking, “I might as well stop trying to get my boyfriend back.”

Well, as mentioned earlier, acceptance is not resignation.

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means you don’t try to resist the reality.

The reason I am asking you to accept all those things above is because once you truly able to do so, it frees you from anxiety. Without that anxiety, you are less likely to make all the common mistakes that push your ex further away.

For example, if your ex boyfriend is dating another woman, you can certainly try to resist it. You can refuse to accept the reality. Therefore, you started doing all kinds of funny things.

Maybe you spend the whole day checking your ex’s Facebook profile. Maybe you keep on asking your ex about the other woman. Maybe you are constantly worried about whether he will really fall in love with that woman.

When you do those things, you lose awareness. You are not in the present moment. You are constantly worried about the past and future. Needless to say, when you are talking to your ex with that kind of mindset, the interaction is not going to feel good. Your ex will feel pressured and pull away from you.

On the other hand, you may not like the fact that he is dating another woman. You may not think that she is compatible with him. And of course, you still want him back. But you are able to accept the fact that he is dating another woman.

Because of that acceptance, you are able to bring a state of calmness when you are interacting with your ex. Your mind won’t be so preoccupied with the thoughts of him with another woman.

With awareness, you are even able to notice that he seems a little bit unhappy. So you are able to ask him with empathy.

Because of that, he felt understood. He is able to feel that you get him. So he opens up to you. He told you that after dating the other woman for some time, he realizes that he still loves you more.

You manage to form an emotional connection with him. You are making progress. Now you are one step closer to getting him back.

 

Can you see how important Acceptance is?

I think this is worth mentioning. I know there are a good number of women who push their ex away because of neediness.

Imagine that you used to be needy. But now, you are able to bring Awareness and Acceptance in your interaction with your ex.

Don’t you think that is going to change your ex’s opinion of you?

Don’t you think you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

Don’t you think that is going to work better than playing mind games or relying on templates to get your ex back?

Acceptance put you in a position of strength. Resistance put you in a position of weakness.

 

Acceptance Needs To Be Practised

Just like awareness, acceptance needs to be practised. You can’t just read this article and say, “Haha, I am now in full acceptance of everything.”

That is not going to happen for most people. After all, most of us have spent our entire life judging and putting a label on people, resisting reality, holding on to things and refusing to let go.

We have spent our entire life practising the habit of resistance. Therefore, it is going to take some time to cultivate the habit of acceptance.

For example, you might read this article and agree with everything I said about acceptance. Then the next moment, you realized that your ex didn’t wish you happy birthday.

You started panicking and over analyzing things, wondering whether he still loves you. Or maybe you react with anger, “How dare he forget my birthday!” If this is your reaction, then you know you still need some practise.

Right now, you only have an intellectual understanding of acceptance. So your goal is to make it become a part of you.

 

How To Practise Acceptance?

Well, start small. Start somewhere.

 

1. Are there people (acquaintances, neighbors, co workers, family members) you dislike because of some preconceived notion you have about them?

What labels are you using on them?

Maybe it is time to drop the labels?

Maybe it is time to get to know them more?

 

2. Can you start changing your reaction to some unimportant things in life?

Maybe you used to get angry whenever you miss the bus. Can you start smiling or at least don’t get so angry?

The bus is gone. No point resisting reality and getting angry, giving yourself high blood pressure. Make sense?

Maybe you decided to have a cup of coffee at a nearby coffee shop because you miss the bus. Then you realize the coffee taste so good!

Who knows? Perhaps this can be a good place to ask your ex out for a cup of coffee, when you are ready to meet him again.

Basically, the idea here is to cultivate the habit to focus on the positives.

When you can practise acceptance on the unimportant things in life, you will eventually be able to bring that acceptance to the more important things in life, such as the interaction with your ex.

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas on how to start practicing acceptance.

 

How The Situation Can Be Better With Acceptance

Let us take a look at the previous question again.

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

 

This time round, we are going to see how the situation can turn out differently with Acceptance.

1. With acceptance, Susan can heal faster because she allows herself to feel the negative emotions instead of suppressing them.

2. With acceptance, Susan can accept the fact that he may not call her and be ok with that. She is willing to take the initiative to call him when she is emotionally ready to do so.

3. With acceptance, Susan is less likely to make the mistakes most people are making when they are trying to get their ex back.

For example, in the question above, Susan said she has tried everything over 8 months without any significant results. She was getting hot and cold responses, in other words, mixed signals from her ex.

What Susan may not realize is that mixed signals is very common when you are trying to get an ex back.

 

Why does your ex give you mixed signals?

There are 2 possible reasons.

 

1. Your ex is stringing you along.

Of course, Susan didn’t give me enough details about her situation. So I can’t tell whether her ex is stringing her along. But for the purpose of this section, let’s assume that Susan’s ex is NOT stringing her along.

 

2. Your ex is starting develop feelings for you again.

That explains the hot behavior.

On the other hand, he is afraid of getting back into the same old relationship only to break up and get hurt again. He is not sure whether you have really changed for the better.

That explains the cold behavior.

In other words, the cold behavior is a way your ex is using to test you.

That doesn’t mean your ex is purposely setting a test for you. More often than not, this is an unconscious process that is going on inside the head of your ex.

In other words, your ex doesn’t even know he is testing you. He is just acting on autopilot, based on his emotions.

After all, I don’t think your ex have read this article or any articles that reveal similar concepts. So he is probably not practising awareness or acceptance like what you will hopefully start doing after reading this article.

So your level of acceptance is going to determine whether you pass or fail his test.

For example, in the early stages of saving your relationship, he is still very resistant towards you.

With patience, you finally manage to get him to open up to you again. Both of you started texting each other more often.

Then one day, he started withdrawing from you again. He started giving you one word reply.

At this point, most women will probably panic because that is not what they want. They can’t accept that. They just want their ex to keep on texting them more and more.

So they started sending all kinds of text messages such as jokes, pictures etc in order to elicit a response from their ex.

Obviously, that is going to push the ex further away. This is especially true if your ex broke up with you because you were needy.

Now, your ex can see that you are still needy. That means you fail his test.

On the other hand, with acceptance, you are more calm. You are able to accept the fact that sometimes, things will not go your way. You realize that maybe you were trying to move too fast.

So once you see your ex starting to give cold signal (one word reply), you realize that you need to take things a little bit more slowly. You decided to cut down the number of messages you are sending him.

Now, you pass the test because you have been practising acceptance.

 

The Next Skill You Should Focus On – Communication

I know Communication is not a sexy word. In fact, it sounds really boring and cliche.

It is definitely not as exciting as the secret psychological tactics you can use to get your ex back.

But let’s face it. Ineffective communication is probably the number one reason for breaking up. So if communication is not an important skill to focus on, then what else is?

Yes, there may be 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, everyone’s situation is unique. But if you really take the time to analyze your situation, you can probably trace it back to a communication problem.

Here is a typical example which is very common:

She is staying together with her boyfriend but she seldom get to see him because he spends a lot of time at work.

Obviously, she wanted him to spend more time with her. Therefore, she asked him to spend less time at work in order to have work life balance.

He started working less and spending more time with his buddies.

Did he listen to her?

Yes!

Did she get what she wanted?

No!

Why?

Communication problem.

She didn’t tell him exactly what she wanted. She didn’t tell him exactly what she meant by work life balance. Eventually, her resentment for her boyfriend grows. Eventually, that resentment explodes into a big argument followed by a break up.

On the surface, the break up is caused by that big argument. But the root cause of the break up is ineffective communication.

So what should she say to her boyfriend instead?

Should she just tell him that she wants him to spend more time with her?

Well, that is a bit better than simply telling him about work life balance and expecting him to figure out what work life balance really means. But it is still not specific enough.

A much better approach is to simply tell him that she would appreciates if he can spend a weekday evening together every week.

 

Be Clear About What You Want

This is a basic principle in effective communication.

In order to get what you want, don’t just tell people what you don’t want. You need to tell them exactly what you want. Be specific, just like the example above.

Don’t just tell your boyfriend not to spend so much time at work. Don’t just tell him to spend more time with you. Be more specific about what spending more time really mean.

After all, most people won’t have the skills to read your mind.

It is just like in a restaurant. If you just tell the waiter that you don’t want salad, it is only going to guarantee that you won’t get salad. But you are probably not going to get the food you really want.

If you can’t tell people exactly what you want, then a possible reason is because you are not exactly clear about what you want.

If that is the case, take some time to think about what you really want before making a request.

 

What If The Main Cause of Your Breakup Is Not Communication?

I understand that not all breakups are caused by ineffective communication. Even if that is the case, I will still strongly encourage you to work on your communication skills.

After all, I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from better communication.

By working on yourself in this area, you are not just helping yourself in your romantic relationship and increasing your chance to get your ex back. Your non-romantic relationships will also improve.

 

How To Improve Your Communication Skill?

One way to get started is to read some good books and start practising what you learned in real life.

There are so many books written on this topic of communication alone. So obviously, there is no space for me to share everything I know in just one article. And this article is already getting very long but I still have a lot of information to share with you here.

If you are interested to take your communication skill to the next level, you may want to check out this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Although this book is not specifically about getting your ex back or saving a relationship, I believe you will gain a lot of insight about why you were not getting through to your ex with your previous communication approaches.

You can read the reviews of this book at Amazon here.

If you are interested to learn how to improve your communication with the opposite gender, you can check out Conversation Chemistry by Mirabelle Summers.

 

The Number One Equation For Getting Your Ex Back

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, there is only one equation you need to remember.

It is a very simple equation.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

The fact that you have broken up means the current relationship dynamics is not working. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need a “different” and obviously “better” relationship dynamics.

So how do you change the relationship dynamics?

Well, by changing the left hand side of the equation.

Obviously, your have no control over “Your Ex”. You can only control the “You” part of the equation.

In other words, you need to work on yourself! That is why I spent a good portion of this article talking about awareness, acceptance and communication.

When you get serious and start working on these important relationship skills on a daily basis and make them a part of your life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for the relationship dynamics to stay the same.

 

There Are Consequences For Ignoring This Equation

Let’s take a look at the equation again.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

You can certainly ignore the equation and choose to skip the important step of “You” (real internal transformation) and try to get your ex back immediately.

Just be aware that there are consequences for doing so.

Here is a very typical example of an on again, off again relationship:

Let say your ex boyfriend suddenly decided to breakup with you.

So you started reacting on autopilot (due to lack of awareness and acceptance). You begged and pleaded for another chance, promising that you will change.

It worked for the first time. Your ex boyfriend decided to give the relationship another try.

Guess what happen next? Your ex boyfriend realized that the “Relationship Dynamics” is still the same. Nothing has changed. It shouldn’t be surprising. After all, “You” didn’t change.

So he decided to break up with you again.

Once again, you are back to autopilot mode. You begged and pleaded again.

Maybe he will decide to get back together with you the second time. But I believe you can already see how this relationship is going to turn out.

Most likely, it is going to end up in another break up because “You” still haven’t change. And this time round, your ex boyfriend has enough of you.

 

This Equation Is Applicable To Every Breakup Situation

Your situation may not be the same as the example above but it doesn’t matter.

The equation is still very relevant to your situation. I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from a better version of “You”.

In fact, I want to introduce another component to this equation.

Your Ex + You + Time = Relationship Dynamics

Yes, that’s right!

Please take your time to get your ex back.

Very often, I see people just can’t wait to get back together with their ex.

I am here to tell you to:

Sloooooooooooooooowwwwwww doooooooooooooowwwwwwwn!

There is no point of getting back together when the “You” part of the equation is still the same. It is just going to lead to another breakup.

You need time for real internal transformation. That is not going to happen overnight.

You need time to date your ex instead of getting back together immediately. That gives you the chance to change the relationship dynamics.

Your ex needs time to see that you have really changed. You ex needs time to decide whether it is a good idea to get back together with you. You want that to be his idea so that he will be more committed to the relationship.

 

A Very Brief Overview of What You Learned In This Article

The infographic below gives you a very brief overview of what you learned in this article. After all, there are so much information in this article that I can’t squeeze every single detail into one diagram.

So if you haven’t read this article and is just scrolling through this page, I will encourage you to read this article carefully and you are going to learn something new.

If you have already read the entire article, then the diagram below may give you a quick recap of some of the key ideas you have learned so far.

If you like the information on this article, then sign up for my newsletter below. I have a lot more information to share with you in my newsletter that will give you a better chance to win your ex back.

Sign Up For My Calm Down & Mindset Newsletter


You will receive daily tips that will show you how to calm down, deal with your negative emotions, develop the right mindset, understand your ex's emotional state,  understand your own emotional state and many more.


Having these knowledge will help you tremendously when you are trying to get your ex back.


 


Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 149 comments
tokunbo anifowose

I am currently using the no contact to heal my broken heart. This has been going on for 6wks and he hasn’t called me. i hope he tries to call me cos I have no intention of ever calling him if he doesn’t try. The reason for this decision is that over a 10 month period I tried to smooth things over with him and I got a lot of mixed signals. In the end I was left exhausted and completely out of sorts. I would be very happy if he tries to get in touch but like I said if he doesn’t initiate contact then so be it. I cannot expose my heart to that kind of disappointment again. pls advice.

Reply
    Mark

    Maybe you can give me more information so that I can give you better suggestions. What causes the break up?

    Reply
Kay Roberts

Hey Mark .
I have written to you at an earlier time. I believe I did all the worse things and I panicked and I begged and i pleaded. I even tried to use the others tactics to get him back and of course it didn’t work. We broke up a month ago, and he told me the problem was over thinking, accusing, assumptions, social media, and my friends/people in our business. We were basically off and on but I wouldn’t know the reason and people would just tell me he is selfish and he just want to talk to other girls and then come back to me. But I believe he is a great person, and I have no reason to believe he wasn’t faithful. But my friends would say people told them this and that but they never had proof and it caused all kind of stuff. It altered my mind and the way I felt. When we broke up before thanksgiving I begged and pleaded and made all kind of mistakes. Until he got to the point saying we are not going be together anymore. And back on our college campus I talked to him and said I would work on myself and he told me to prove it. And my friends believed he was playing mind games with me and that I wouldn’t get my relationship back. I went drop off some things at his home unannounced and then I left , then he texted me and called wondering why I dropped off gifts he gave me for me to come take it back he bought it for me for a reason. I eventually went back and we talked and he told me all the things I have done wrong. And that he is not ready for a relationship, he need to focus on himself. And that made me sad because all I want is my relationship. I don’t want it because I feel i won’t find anyone better. He made me happy, and I felt a connection with him. He was like my bestfriend and my boyfriend. We could sit down and do absolutely nothing and have fun with each other. We broke up on our 7 month mark. But I told him I wanted to focus on myself also. He said he wanted to still be there for each other and anything I needed he will give it to me. No sex involved and we could see each other. My friends said that was a bad idea he just dragging me around. It’s a friends with benefits thing and im going get hurt. My mom was the only one agreeing to what he said we need to focus on ourselves before we try to make each other happy. Well of course I made one mistake ( putting others in our business ) and I let all that negative energy get to me. And I posted one tweet saying “everyone is telling me the same thing, maybe I should listen to them #goodnight” I thought he wouldn’t see because he doesn’t follow me on any social networks nor do I follow him, he said he didn’t care so many times, but he still went search me on Twitter and read all my tweets. and he texted me saying idk what I want maybe I should just listen to everyone else. Then he went on saying he doesn’t want a relationship. and from there everything went down hill. He didn’t even know if he wanted to still be there for each other and work on ourselves. I felt he was very genuine. I know the type of guy he is, and his intentions are never to hurt me. He could’ve just left me alone and not try to cope with me. And one reason I agreed to going about things that way because his feelings changed towards me. He loved me but he was not in love with me anymore. And we both felt Maybe if we start hanging out again it will come back, with no sex. And my friends said he is lying he just going end up hurting you. But he told me he didn’t want me to sit around waiting on me, he don’t want that i can talk to other people. Because he is texting other girls but he doesn’t like them nor is he trying to make them his girlfriend. And I feel he didn’t even have to be that honest with me. But he did. At one point of time he told me things never will change. And I know what he mean. We broke up because of my actions. And I’m slipping back into those actions when we were attempting to patch things up. I’m learning to keep my business to myself and I even deleted my social media to stop myself from looking at who he is talking to and to see what he is posting. At one point of time the families were involved in trying to get us back together and that caused more damage. And I was told to stop all contact with his family. They won’t change his feelings, it’s only making things worse. But I did not tell his family to do any of that, nor did I tell my family to do anything. He told me I said I was going give him space where is the space. I’m still talking to his family. I did a lot of damage. Yesterday I even accused him of cheating because my roommate said she had all this dirt on him and her story seemed true. But she had no proof and I went off words. And I regret it. He said im stupid for listening to my friends advice. Look where they got me so far. He never once cheated on me and I know that. And he swear he dont care anymore. And I feel like after that. He really don’t care. Like I have lost my relationship completely. When all I wanted from the beginning is for us to be okay and work on our relationship. and I feel like I’m never going get his love back or my relationship back. I am trying to give him space but he told my cousin that he is straight on that also. That he doesn’t want to even try giving us space. I think Maybe he is really angry. I dont know how I can fix this. I don’t know what I can do. I was hoping we can be okay when we start college again on jan.20th. But that’s not looking. Too good. I’m just scared that he will end up talking to another girl or start Liking her even though he said he wasn’t. And I know the type of guy he is. He wouldn’t. But I can’t stand the thought of other girls getting his attention. I was going take on the gym like others said. But then I realized what you have said, that’s not going make him want me back. And you right im trying not to contact him starting today, hoping by time school starts he will come around. But if he is angry and he says he doesn’t care and his feelings changed he may think it was the best decision to leave me alone from the beginning and all those mistakes im making is just pushing him further away and showing him how his decision was right. Please help me. Idk what to do. Do you think I can get him back. Idc if it takes months. Do you think i can save my relationship. I’ll take your advice and work on me and mediatate. But can you tell me what else I can do to Atleast fix the damage. Because he have no way of knowing what im doing because all my social media accounts are deleted. Can you please please please help.

Reply
    Mark

    Don’t try to fix the damage. More often than not, trying to fix the damage is going to cause more damages. For example, if you try to talk about the negative things, it will just arouse negative emotions in your ex, causing him to resist you more.

    What you can do is to prevent further damages. Stop acting on your friends advice if you are trying to get your ex back. Obviously, they are making the situation worse.

    I understand your friends are concerned about you. However, they know nothing about saving a relationship. So you can just politely listen to them without acting on their advice.

    Don’t worry too much about whether he knows what you are doing. If you have really gone through a real internal transformation, he will be able to notice it when he interacts with you.

    I will be adding more information to this article that you can use so you can check back again later, maybe around 8th Jan.

    Also, just a gentle reminder. Would appreciate if you can include paragraphs in your comment so that it is easier to read. Thank you.

    Reply
Jessica

Hi Mark,

I have posted to you previously about my ex boyfriend.
Recently he opened up to me and told me that he loves me, and wants to be with me, and that I am his ‘forever girl’ (meaning he will spend the rest of his ife with me) but that he’s not ready for forever yet.

What does this mean?
When we were together he talked about us getting married, having kids, buying a house together. He always instigated the conversations about forever with each other.
So what does this mean? And how can I convince him that being with me forever is not as scary as he seems to think it is?

Reply
    Mark

    When you were first together, his brain is under the influence of feel good chemicals. So naturally, he will keep on talking about getting married etc.

    Over time, the realities of life start to set in. He realizes that marriage is a real commitment. Therefore, it is only natural to think about it carefully.

    There are many reasons why a guy is not ready to commit. Some possible reasons are:

    1. Financial, career concerns.

    You did mention he just got a new job in your previous comment. So this can be a possible reason why he is not ready to commit.

    2. Age

    Some men may not want to settle down so soon. What is his and your age now?

    3. Not 100% Sure If You Are The One

    Yes, I know he just tell you that you are his ‘forever’ girl. But maybe in his mind, you are sometimes at the 85% level. Maybe sometimes, you are at the 65% level.

    So he may need a little bit more time to reach the 100% level.

    On the whole, I do believe he means what he say. He really wants to be with you forever but is just not ready to get married yet.

    So my suggestion to you is to be patient. Don’t try to convince him to marry you now. Don’t forget your status with him now. I suppose both of you have not officially gotten back together?

    So that means you are still his ex. Doesn’t make sense to talk about marriage when you are not even back together. You will end up pushing him away.

    Very important! Be patient. One step at a time.

    Focus on what you can control. Work on “Awareness” that I mention in this article. It will help you increase your emotional connection with him so that eventually, he will come to his own conclusion that he cannot afford to lose you.

    I will be adding more information to this article soon. So you can check back again later.

    Reply
Kermit

I would like to thank you so very much ,I started reading your website a few weeks ago and I have seen tremendous progress with my ex. We are talking again and he is initiating contact however; we haven’t met yet since we broke up. We broke up 4 months ago. Every time I ask him to meet me he is either busy or it’s not a good time.
He seems interested in the relationship, we’ve made a couple of future plans and he is currently assisting me with a work project.
Should I be worried despite the progress we’ve made?? Could he be worried about what we’ll talk about? How do I ease him into the idea of meeting me?

Reply
    Mark

    Be patient. Keep the interaction positive and no pressure. If he doesn’t want to meet up with you yet, respect his decision. You can always try again a few weeks later.

    To increase the chances of him saying yes to meeting up, make sure it is no pressure. For example, don’t call it a date. Just a meetup. Having a cup of coffee is better than having dinner. A coffee gives the impression of a short meeting. So it is lower pressure compared to a dinner, which may last longer.

    Don’t worry if you are seeing progress. Yes, it is possible. Maybe he is worried that you will talk about the relationship. That is why he doesn’t want to meet you. Of course, I won’t know the exact reason. It is just a possibility.

    No matter what, you can start practising awareness and acceptance mentioned in this article. When you can bring awareness and acceptance in your interaction with him, you will see better results. I will continue adding more information to this article. So you can also check back later maybe on 15th Jan for more tips to get your ex back.

    You can also check this out if you need more help and support or just want to see faster progress in your relationship.

    Reply
Jamaica

I broke up with my boyfriend, of two years and three months, a few days ago…on the 29th of December. The reason for this break up was because of the fact that he basically stated that I have stronger feelings than him and that he didn’t have strong enough feelings to possibly consider the two of us getting married in the future, that and he basically said that he was going to end the relationship because he might be moving out of state for his job a year from now. It’s not guaranteed that he is going to move. It’s up in the air at this current time.

We didn’t have many problems, barely any. We had our disagreements every so often but they were resolved. He is a great guy and we love each other. He was understanding, a good listener, intelligent, helpful, had a great personality that complimented mine really well, and tried his hardest to make me happy when ever I was down…Not to mention that he always supported me and my career decisions whenever my family dug up the negatives and used them against me. What he did for me, I did for him.

It was extremely difficult making the decision that I did. Even though he supported what ever decision I made in regards to the relationship, he flat out told me that he didn’t want to break up. He cried the entire time that we were talking. I asked him what was the point of prolonging the relationship if he was going to end it due to the fact he was going to end it because of the probability of moving out of state within a year?

He mainly told me that he didn’t want to lose me and he didn’t want me to hate him. According to him, out of the girlfriends that he had, I was the best one. All of his girlfriends had cheated on him in the past and in turn, he stated that he really doesn’t know what to do nor had to handle certain things in relationships well. I understood where he was coming from and throughout the entire relationship, I was patient with him. From when we first started dating up until now, he has improved so much.

It wasn’t a bad breakup, in the sense that it was filled with anger….Just very depressing. You just don’t know how much it hurt me hearing him cry for the entirety of the conversation.

Though the next question that was asked was, “Do you see us getting back together in the future?” He said, “Yes and no.” I asked him, “Why both?” He said that he answered no because of the fact that he can’t see us getting back together immediately. I responded with, “Of course, not immediately! I was referring to after awhile…after we had some time to ourselves to think and improve on our flaws.” He asked me the same question and I responded with a firm “Yes.” He did ask me after how long and I told him that I couldn’t put a time limit on it. Oddly enough after, I answered that question he stated that he felt better and didn’t feel bad. We’ve agreed to keep in contact and keep each other involved in each other’s lives. Things will change, but not drastically…We just won’t be doing anything intimate. The most that will be given are hugs, but everything else will be the same. Which isn’t bad.

I only got by with NC for four days. Well, four days later, he texted me wishing me good luck on my career goals and stated that if I am having a problem, he’s there for me. I responded and he proceeded to talk about how he needed someone to talk to….Well, we started talking and things started out nice and got better. . .and before I knew it we were talking as we were before the break up. What can I pull from this? Nothing went wrong, it’s improving.

Reply
    Mark

    You need to be patient. I just updated this article yesterday with the part on acceptance. I will encourage you to really practise awareness and acceptance for 30 days. This will give you greater emotional strength to deal with any challenges you are facing with your ex. It will also help to improve your interaction with him. No contact is not necessary since both of you are already on good terms.

    Also, you may want to work on improving your communication skill. I recommend that you get this book called Non Violent Communication, which you can get for a very low price on Kindle.

    Just focus on these important pillars and you should be able to start seeing progress with your ex.

    If you need more personal help, you can check out this article.

    Reply
Kay Roberts

Hi mark its me again.

Me and my ex have been broken up for almost two months. ( in 3 more weeks ) and we had an argument about him liking another girl. And he ended up saying we not getting back together period. But we can be good friends, he still care and he don’t mind being there for me. But his family says he is just walking over me because he know he can. I want a relationship back, but I see how hard it is to talk to him about it. He always says we not getting back together, he want to be just friends. And he still care. But he not trying to be with me. Through time things changed and his feelings changed. His family tell me to small talk him and play hard to get. And he will come back around. But what if he is serious, he really don’t love me. And we won’t get back together. I know I trip on him a lot and I need to change that.

But what if he is really done with me. Like he just going go on loving another girl and I’ll just have been waiting on him for nothing. I love him and I want to be with him.

I asked for space and he ended up texting me and everything. And he ended up texting me clowning around with me. But I never got my relationship from it.

I feel like he just have a brick wall up against me about the relationship part and he not letting me in.

Reply
    Mark

    I just updated the article with the part on Acceptance. This is what you need to work on as well.

    If not, you are going to lose control and argue with him again, which will only push him further away.

    Also, it seems like you are not in the right emotional state to interact with him. So it is probably a good idea to go no contact and use this period to work on yourself and practise awareness and acceptance.

    You don’t have to tell him that you are not going to contact him for 30 days. But if he contacts you, just be honest and tell him that you still feel hurt about the break up and really need some space to heal.

    If he doesn’t respect your needs for space and still continue to contact you and play with your feelings, then you seriously have to consider whether this relationship is even worth saving.

    When he continues to contact you when you ask for space to heal, it shows that he is selfish and only care about his own needs. So make sure you do not ignore the red flag as much as you want to get back together with him.

    You may also want to read this article so that you can make a better decision about whether your relationship is worth saving.

    Also, don’t worry too much about whether he is dating other women or whether he will fall in love with other women. Worrying doesn’t solve any problems and put you out of present moment awareness.

    As long as you are carrying this vibe into your interaction with him, the interaction is not going to feel good. He will not want to get back into a relationship with you.

    So try to focus on what really matters. Focus on awareness and acceptance. These are things you can control. You can’t control whether he dates or fall in love with other women.

    If he really fall in love with another woman, acceptance will help you let go of the relationship much easier.

    Reply
Brit

Hi mark, I just broke up with my boyfriend. We have known each other for a year and have been dating in a relationship for six months. We have broken up before but only for a couple days if that and always got back together. We recently broke up a couple of days ago again because he inappropriately touched another women in front of me at a bar. He was under the influence of alcohol but I broke up with him immediately. We have had problems with trust in the past because he has done this once before but I forgave him and tried to move on. I reacted poorly to his actions and broke a couple of things in his place, I replace them but I have also done that before. I just want us to move on an hopefully get back together however he said he wants time to think. Which I don’t mind doing. He said the breakup hasn’t really hit him and he doesn’t feel sad. He said he doesn’t know if it is because he lost feelings for me or if its because its still new and time hasn’t passed. He texted me this morning saying good morning and say I looked nice the other day( I dropped off his belongings). But we agreed to be friends and see where it goes. However I’m weary because I still love him I’m afraid I’m going to be used for his own selfish reasons and I don’t want that. I’m just trying to protect my heart or what I have left. I’m not sure to move on or try being friends and hopefully rekindling our relationship
Thanks in advance mark

Reply
Brit

Just a side note Mark we are both in are early twenties

Reply
    Mark

    I don’t think being drunk is a good excuse for touching another woman. Even worse, he is doing it in front of you. Worst still, he has done it more than once. What happens if you are not around?

    There are many red flags right in front of your eyes. Hopefully, you are not ignoring them because of chemistry.

    You may want to read this article.

    Reply
Anon

Hi Mark,

Thanks so much for your posts. It’s really refreshing to see a site with such a different perspective than most get your ex back sites…I’ve read a lot to be honest, at least 4 pages of my google searches are purple links now and one stupid ebook haha but don’t worry I haven’t tried any crazy mind games yet.

Anyway, boyfriend and I of little over a year, crazy love birds, the couple everyone looked up to, etc…he broke up with me about 7.5 weeks ago. I was an absolute wreck because while there were issues it seemed like he was still happy and we were still always in a honey moon phase but I think honestly he wasn’t entirely communicating his concerns and I was not fully listening, neither of us were really evaluating our relationship enough essentially, just floated through the happiness/glee of all of it. I was under a lot of stress, my best friend and sister abroad, starting an organization, school work, etc, and he also had a lot on his plate. A lot of variables, naturally. I think it really came down to me having emotional outbreaks/fights that were piling up and getting closer together, and just draining him. Only one really bad yelling fight (I was drunk) but def probably too many nights where we slept backs facing each other mostly because I get too stubborn about his trying to reconcile things.

I cried/sobbed, gave him all his presents back right there, he cried on his way out too, I stupidly went to his house a few days after, we slept together and I thought we were ready to get back together but he woke up after that night with a very guilty look on his face and he was not really sure what he had done. But we did talk…he kept saying “if” we get back together this, “if” we get back together that…anyway I was pretty desperate after this…kept trying to meet him and talk, drama with our social group came up, I got revved up. I gave him a week no contact(Thanksgiving break), told him really rethink everything, and he said he would because we were so serious, but ultimately after that week of being alone he realized he was happy and did not change his mind.

After the “final talk” meeting after thanksgiving break, I’ve done my best to move on and remember who I was without him, but a lot of drama came up with our social group (people are ruthless really) which ultimately stressed our relationship more but eventually we bonded over the ridiculousness of all of it and how happy we were to get away from the drama during our winter break coming up for school. I told him we cannot be friends because we were way too serious, he was pretty torn about this but ultimately understood it.

We started an organization together so we cannot have no contact(HATE THIS SO MUCH) and we are on a break from school right now. I have kept communications only professional but they are lighthearted/positive. It’s been about 2.5 weeks where I haven’t brought up anything to him other than communications about our organization we started together (I’m so proud of myself to be honest, we were literally a part of each other’s lives every second of every day). Early on in break, he was late to respond to everything, and gave short one message responses, now he’s sending a lot of emojis and lols and it does seem to be a little too much (does this mean anything lol)

I’ve removed him from Snapchat(he was a little mad about this), unfollowed his Facebook, those are my only forms of social media I use, and I am good about not visiting his FB page but I do check up. I have been obsessively watching his spotify music activity though, he was listening to my playlist(I was a music guru to him), but he’s also listening to a weird mix of new genres, and at night sad/acoustic songs. I AM PROBABLY OVERTHINKING THE SPOTIFY STUFF! But thought it might give context. I also check his tumblr randomly which used to be a bunch of lovey posts (when we had gotten together) and he randomly updated it 2 days ago, they’re light hearted, “be happy” type of posts now, I cried a little about this haha but I should be glad he’s at least happy now right?

So I know you’re going to update your posts soon, but what’s the best move once we are back on campus? I really want to say “he should be the one to make up his mind and decide he needs me and contact me” but is that the right thing to do? I’m a strong girl, a beautiful smart independent one who can move in if she really wants to, but I just cannot let go of how happy/perfect we were… it really was a love that few people ever get a chance to have in life, that’s why I want to fight for this. I’m working on present moment awareness for the time being.

Reply
    Mark

    Hey Anon,

    You got me curious. Which stupid ebook did you read? Maybe you can send me an email about it here.

    Anyway, let’s get back to your question.

    Maybe I should ask you 3 questions instead.

    1. Why does a person decided to get into a relationship?

    2. Why does a person decided to leave a relationship?

    3. Why does a person hesitate to get back together with an ex?

    Let’s answer those questions.

    1. Why does a person decided to get into a relationship?

    Because it feels happier to be in a relationship than to be single.

    2. Why does a person decided to leave a relationship?

    Because it feels happier to be single than to be in a relationship.

    3. Why does a person hesitate to get back together with an ex?

    Because he is not sure whether he will feel happier after he get back together with his ex. In other words, he doesn’t want to get back together only to realize that nothing has changed.

    So as much as your ex still has feelings for you, he decided to breakup because he feels happier being single as this moment.

    Notice that I said “happier”. I didn’t say “happy”.

    It is a relative term. So maybe he is feeling miserable right now after breaking up with you.

    However, it is at least not as miserable as staying with you (because of all those accumulated arguments).
    So don’t assume he is happy just because he is putting up those posts.
    Maybe he is just pretending to be happy.

    Therefore, the key to getting him back is to show him that he will happier if he get back together with you rather than staying single.

    In other words, he needs to see that this time round, the relationship is going to be different and better compared to before the break up.

    So how do you do that? Well, if there is one fact that will never change, it is this. Human beings are emotional creatures.

    Whether you agree or not, we tend to made our decision based on emotions and justify with logic.

    So you want him to feel emotionally good with you. You want to improve your emotional connection with him.

    The only way to do so is through internal transformation I mentioned in this article. See whether you can bring awareness and acceptance when you are interacting with him. When he can see a different and better side of you, it is going to make him rethink his decision of breaking up with you.

    Anyway, I just updated the article on 8th Jan with the part on acceptance. So you can read through it. I still have more information to add to the article. So you can check back again later. Meanwhile, there should be enough information in this article to keep you busy.

    You may also want to try the EFT exercise in this article to clear and release any negative emotions you have. Also, don’t overanalyze things. It put you out of present moment awareness.

    Reply
      Anon

      Thanks Mark! I emailed you those two ebooks I’ve read.

      Yes, I understand I have to show him how being in a relationship is better than being without me, and I really believe I’m changing and letting go of my negative energies.

      So surprisingly just the other day what was a professional discussion about our organization turned into him asking about a lot of things in my life! And something great happened in his, he wanted to update me! I kept leaving the messages hanging but he always had another question to follow up. He’s clearly very interested in what’s going on with me/my friends, I did my best not to seem too eager, and ultimately left the convo hanging a bit, but I was lighthearted and positive throughout all of it! I don’t want to overread any of this, as you said overanalyzing is no good, but I think this interaction is definitely on the positive side of the spectrum.

      Sorry, last question, I understand you’re probably very busy! But how should I maintain our interactions once we get back to campus? I’m fighting every urge to continue our conversation because I understand he needs to make the decisions himself. There’s a party coming up that we’ll both be at, for example, and we have one glass albeit a large lecture together. How should I handle these situations?

      Reply
        Mark

        Thank you, although I didn’t receive your email. But don’t worry, it is not important.

        Back to your question.

        Treat him like a friend you truly care about.

        Otherwise, don’t be too rigid about the positive and light hearted part.

        It is okay to show some vulnerabilities, not necessary about the relationship. For example, maybe you lost a sentimental gift from your favorite uncle. You can share with him how upset you were etc. Just don’t overdo it like talk about all the negative things in the world the whole meeting.

        There is a big difference between genuinely happy and pretending to be happy.

        For example, once you have a certain level of practice in awareness and acceptance, you can be genuinely happy.

        When you are genuinely happy, you are able to let go of yourself and be more sensitive to other people’s (eg. your ex) feelings. If your ex is unhappy, you can notice it and empathize with him.

        When you are pretending to be happy, you won’t have that level of awareness. You are only worried about him seeing through you. You won’t even noticed he is unhappy and yet you keep on laughing in front of him pretending to be happy.

        Needless to say, that is going to lead to an emotional disconnection.

        If you need further resources, I recommend you go and look for these 2 books,

        Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenburg
        Present Moment Awareness by Shannon Duncan

        I think you should be able to find them in your public library.
        Otherwise, you can go kindle to search for them. I think you can get them for less than $10 each.

        And don’t worry. They are definitely not like the “get your ex back” ebooks you bought.

        They are really good books that will help you in your communication and awareness with your ex.

        Also, you may want to watch these 5 videos about the different stages of saving a relationship so that you know what to expect.

        Reply
Janey

SOS! I am three months split up from my boyfriend now. I tried to do everything right, and avoided contacting him to avoid situations where I’d get upset or say something silly, and just generally heal a bit, and see how I felt without him (so basically “no contact” for the right reasons).

It’s three months later, we’ve had very little contact and I’m still very, very sad about it all. I miss him a lot, and I miss what we had. He says he fell out of love with me, and I don’t know what I can do. We were with each other for 4 years, and lived together too, but I had to move away for professional reasons (temporarily). I really would like to make contact, but I don’t know how, and the less I hear from him, the more I think he doesn’t care anymore, that he is totally over me. What do you think I should do?

Reply
    Mark

    I think you are not emotionally ready to contact him yet.

    Start cultivating awareness and acceptance mentioned in this article. Also, use the EFT exercise to release your negative emotions.

    If you try contacting him with your current emotional state, your interaction with him is just not going to feel good for him. This will push him further away.

    Don’t worry too much about what he thinks. You can’t control what he thinks anyway. Don’t worry about him forgetting about you. That is impossible because both of you have been together for 4 years.

    Will be adding more information to this article, so you can always check back later.

    Reply
      Janey

      Thanks Mark. I will try to remain calm and not feel like taking my time is “letting him go” (he is already gone, after all). I will try the EFT exercise, earnestly, and I will update you with how I get on. You put so much into this blog, I think we should also give your some feedback on how it’s working for us!

      Reply
        Mark

        Thanks Janey. I really appreciate that :-)

        Reply
        Janey

        Hi Mark, well, time ticks on and it’s now 5 months since we’ve split up. I haven’t heard from him for over a month. I’ve been working on myself and doing “all the right things” to continue with and improve my life, and work on me, but I still feel really blue about our broken relationship. It feels like I’m dead to him.

        It feels so, so wrong, and I still find it hard to believe he did such a U-turn and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I am not acting on this, as I have to respect his wishes, and the only signal he gives me is that he doesn’t care. I am finding it really tough!

        Reply
        Janey

        I will be in his town in about a month, and I don’t know whether it would make things a million times worse to see him (and see how much he doesn’t care in person). You know how horrible it is to look into someone’s eyes when they’ve fallen out of love with you, that change of expression?

        On the other hand, maybe I would meet him and think “Oh, he’s not that great actually. I’m fine!”

        I don’t feel like I’ve idealised a fantasy version of him or anything, but miss the real him. We had a very real relationship.

        It’s so strange not to have seen each other for almost six months now, when we used to see each other every day. We used to know everything that was going on in each other’s lives, and now it’s as I said, as if we’re dead to each other.

        What are your thoughts?

        Reply
Steph

Hi Mark,

I really love the advice you’ve given so far but I could use some help. My ex and I dated for a few months over the summer and have been broken up since August. His reasoning was just that he fell out of love with me and cared for me only as a friend now. He still asks to meet up a lot and we have sex, go out to dinner, cuddle, hold hands, etc. He knows I still have feelings for him but doesn’t seem to understand that doing these things makes it hard to move on. I want a relationship with him again because we get along well and always have a blast together. In a week we will be going back to school together, and he says he wants to see me every day and wants to make a sleepover schedule where we spend a few days a week in each other’s rooms. He still says he only cares for me as a friend and wants to be there for me and “be what I need”. What gives? He says we shouldn’t have sex anymore but then always changes his mind because we both have sexual chemistry. Tomorrow he wants to take me on an overnight trip to his country house but told me no funny behavior. Is this relationship salvageable, and does he seem like he may still have feelings for me? Will we be able to take our friendship to the next level if I take him up on his offer of seeing him every day at college? I’m confused and need some guidance.

Thanks!

Reply
    Mark

    Taking care of your own emotions in a priority over everything else. Put it this way, if you don’t have the emotional strength to deal with your ex, it doesn’t matter how often you meet your ex, you will never get him back. Why? Because the relationship dynamics never changed.

    And it is a very bad idea to have sex with him if you actually feel emotional about it. You may want to read this article about sleeping with your ex.

    You should consider setting a boundary with him. Just be honest with him. Tell him you are still hurting over the breakup and really need the space to heal. That doesn’t mean you have to ignore him totally. When you meet him in school, just say hi and be civil.

    If he is a quality man, he will respect your decision. Meanwhile, work on the skills mentioned in this article. Will be adding more information to this article. So you can check back later.

    Reply
      Steph

      Well, we went on the overnight trip. It was fun and like old times. We cuddled, held hands in the car, he gave me forehead kisses, etc. Before bed he even slipped out an “I love you”. I didn’t reply back, I just smiled. He asked to see me a lot at school and talked about all the things we’re gonna do together. Why is he like this if he doesn’t want a relationship like he says? The whole trip I avoided relationship talk and talking about the past, if that helps.

      Reply
        Mark

        I think this is a conversation you cannot avoid. If this goes on, you will continue getting hurt and not get the relationship you want.

        If you want to learn how to communicate with your ex, I recommend you to go to your local library to look for this book.

        Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenburg

        Or you can buy it from Kindle. I believe it will help you clearly communicate what you want to your ex without pushing him away.

        Reply
Girl problems

Like everyone else, I also have a story. But I think I effed it up big times. We broke up roughly 2 years ago bcz we had a fight. I would say I was the cause, but then you cant clap with one hand. He has a part in it as well. I was always fighting because he wouldnt call me or pay attention to me (at this point, let me say we were long distant). We started talking in Dec of 2012…talked for about 3 months..met in March of 2013…broke up in April of 2013. Now, before you think anything, I know this was very short term. We broke up because I would always fight with him why he is acting so distant. So after we broke up, I pleaded and begged (but not to an extent because I read a lot online) we started talking after a month. And I became friends with benefits. I know it is my mistake.

I have been a “Friends with benefits” for these 2 yrs. I know its my mistake and I am trying to fix it. I want him to realize his mistake or regret for a lack of better word. It has happened before when I would ignore him or anything of that sort, he would question it. I dont even know what to do anymore. Is there any hope for me? lol. I am doing NC now. I dont have any hopes in it. But its the last thing I can try. After this, I have nothing else left.

Reply
    Mark

    You have already allow 1 month to turn into 2 years because you are trying to fix a mistake that cannot be fixed and shouldn’t even be fixed in the first place. Don’t let these 2 years turn into 4 years or even 8 years.

    Beware of chemistry, sunk cost and wishful thinking.

    I think you need to read this article and this article. Hopefully, that answers your question.

    Reply
MadamoiselleC

Hi! My boyfriend and I had been together for over 3yrs. We had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship but overcame it all. We had a lot of fun and love too. But we decided to finally break it off some weeks ago. We never really had a major issue to fight about but we always do. We kept arguing about petty things and I guess we both got really comfortable with each other thinking even though we fight, we would just end up making up the next day.

I felt that he was taking me for granted because I do most of the work in our relationship. When we fight, (though it’s his fault) i was the one who kept on persuing him and asking to make up so we’d stop fighting. But I never really let any of his actions bother me because I love him until one night, i really had enough. We had a big fight, literally pushed each other. He asked me why i was so angry and he said he didnt really see the reason why I was acting like that. I told him i had enough of his shitty treatment over me. Then I wanted to break up with him then and there but he said he doesnt want to and that it’s not right that we should break up like that. I thought about it and agreed then i told him i just need some space from him to breathe.

We didnt talk for about a week then i finally asked him to meet. When me met, i told him to please change his shitty actions towards me. He said he was really sorry about how he acted towards me but then he said he is also sorry because he doesnt think he can change his attitude. I kept on forcing him to try to change but he said he cant. I got tired and just finally settled and said goodbye. A week after, i couldnt take it so i went after him amd pleaded him to come back and chased him but he still said no. Then i gave up again. He said he still loves me but couldnt risk being with me again. Then he asked me to stop talking to him, i agreed.

Then came new year’s eve, he sent me a long message greeting me a happy new year and saying he was really sorry about how he treated me and that he was so thankful of everything about me and that he is also sorry because for him, he’s really done. I replied saying its okay i understand. Then he said that we will see each other on my birthday (which is at the last week of January) but he told me to not try and get back with him again. I said okay. I told him i just want to see him that day and nothing else. But in reality, i really do want to get back with him. We are currenty not contacting in anyway for more than a week now. What should I do to get him back? Help!

Reply
    Mark

    It seems like a communication problem to me. For example, you told him you had enough of his shitty treatment, but did you specify exactly what you want?

    I will be updating this article anywhere from 15th to 22nd Jan. I will be discussing the topic of communication and I will take your comment into consideration when I am writing that part. This will give you a better idea of where your communication might have gone wrong.

    Meanwhile, maybe you can reply me. Do you still remember exactly the words you use on the day of the big fight? Then I can answer your question better in my next update.

    Reply
      MadamoiselleC

      Hi mark, the night we had a big fight, I told him that I don’t want him in any part of my life anymore and that if he leaves, it’s over. Ofcourse that noy what I want and Well, he didnt leave and told me breaking up right there and there is a bad idea for us.

      The root cause of our fight actually was him wanting to have sex but I was too tired from from an event we had that day. Then he got pissed off and acted like jerk and it pissed me off too. That’s when the big fight started.

      And we saw each at a part last saturday (January 10) i opt to ignore him because I didnt want to look so needy or look I was chasing him because i was trying to give him his space. And besides, he was the one who told me not to talk to him til my birthday. But when I arrived the party, he was a little drunk and really tryibg to get my attention. He even went up to me a couple of times trying to talk to me. I responded because i ddnt want to look bitter or something. We had small talks but that was it. Then when I was about to get in the car to go home, he was at my car hood, hugging it and telling me he wants to say goodbye to me. So i went down and hugged him for a very short time and told him ill see him on my birthday then i left.

      Last night, i messaged him, I asked him if how he was. His reply was “why” it seemed cold. So I asked him if he is mad at me he said no. So I asked him if we could grab a coffeee and talk for a bit. He said, what for. I told him I wanted to make peace with him because to me, all his faults are already forgiven and Im asking for forgiveness too. Si im asking to meet him. He said in a very negative manner “see, you still want things to go your way. You havent changed. You still dominate me and tell me to do things. My answer is still no” I felt really bad abt. What he said, i told him i was just asking him and if he is not ready yet, (obviously bec. He is still vet angry) i understand. I told him i would be patient and wait for his wounds to heal. He replied “okay, you’re already forgiven. Sincerely.” I feel.like he just said that just for the sake of saying it. So I said, okay, can we hang out sometime and catch up? He said, “No. Take care always. Bye”

      Then I asked him, so will I still see you on my birthday? He said, i really don’t know. I said, “Cmon, just be there. I just want you there and I don’t think anythings’s wrong with that. It’s my birthday and that’s my wish. Please say yes? :)” then he ddnt reply anymore.

      What is the next step i should do, mark? Im so confused already.

      Reply
      MadamoiselleC

      P.s I dont quite understand why is is still so angry at me. Maybe im being a little impatient and not giving him enough space and time? We only officially started no contact and lasted only 9 days because we saw each other at a party and he we talked casualy. 3days after, that’s when I messaged him last night.

      I didnt force him to see me but I asked him to meet me. When he said no, I asked him why and apparently he was still very angry at me because of his old problem with me which is being controlling and dominant over him. Then that was the time I ask him please forgive me alreadh. He said Im already forgiven but im sure he just said that so id stop.

      Did I do anything wrong? Did I mess it up? Is he still atvthe stage where he is still angry at me and not ready to forgive yet? Do I need to give him a little more time? I honestly think I havent healed yet also. What should I do now?

      Reply
        Mark

        First, you mentioned that he doesn’t treat you well and he is taking you for granted. Also quoting what you said:

        When we fight, (though it’s his fault) i was the one who kept on persuing him and asking to make up so we’d stop fighting.

        Second, he thinks you you were dominating or controlling him.

        Can you give some examples for both situation?

        Just trying to find out more about your relationship dynamics so that I can give you better suggestion.

        As for what to do now, don’t contact him for the time being. Let him cool down first before you try contacting him again. This is also to give yourself the time to heal.

        Reply
Sara

Hi Mark,

I really think your advise is top notch compared to all ex recovey site. Maybe you can give me a little advice. So my ex and I broke up last November. So here’s a little background. We were together for 4 years and started as best friends for 2 years. We are really in a serious relationship and the investment level is really high. We migrated to Australia, but not in the same city. Approximately 7 hours away from each other. We were planning to move in together in 3 months time but then I screwed up. Last November I cheated on him. Not in a physical kind of way, no sex, no relationship. The thing is I lied about my trip (travelled abroad for 2 weeks) and pretended that I’ll be with a group of friends and just friends. I didn’t tell her that there is this guy coming along too. He saw that in one of our friends Facebook photo. It was a 3 days 2 nights trip, with my friends along with this guy. When we got back to the city (the trip is at a beach outside the city), me and my boyfriend broke up. That is how everything started. Since that third week of November he avoided me until today. I feel so lost without him. I tried to win him back since. Surprised her last Christmas but nothing has happened. I drove all the way to his city but he didn’t even face me. I did that because a week before Christmas he said that he misses me already thru some friends that we share and he also said that he doesn’t see any effort from me. So gave everything I can that day but still nothing. About 3 days ago I finally decided to let go too as I think that my presence only brings him pain. Today I feel that something is not right and I strongly feel that there is something else I can do. When I send him my farewell message or acceptance message I told him that I’m not closing any doors and I’m just gonna accept the reality for now. He replied back and kind of said the same thing that he won’t close his door too. And I felt that with his reply he’s not angry anymore in fact it is with a lot of smilies and concerns such as take care of myself and all that jazz. Today I feel like I should’ve not given up yet and need to have a plan to show him that we are worth it. Lastly our relationship was really great, we are really doing very well and the level of investment is top. Hoping to hear from you mark. Thanks in advance

Reply
    Mark

    I will encourage you to start practising the skills mentioned in this article. It will help you connect better with your ex boyfriend. Also, I recommend this book called Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenburg. By applying the communication technique in this book, you will have a better chance to get through to him.

    Reply
Anna Segat

Hi Mark, my ex sort of blindsided me six and a half weeks ago..we had been in a long distance relationship for two years.i was meant to move to his city last year but it was a really hard year for me..everything and anything happened to me or for me job loss,health issues,money n fear ruled me and the yr etc.and for one reason or another I couldn’t move.he assured me he was there for me and brighter things lay ahead for us..he is in his late 30s n I’m in my mid 30s..I was the first partner of his who had met his family and the first one he wanted to live with..anyway the year was stressful..I was crying a lot and when he came up we didn’t have much fun as the external stresses had a big impact on me and as an effect on us..but again he said he was there for me and brighter things ahead..unfrt the last two times he came up..because I hadn’t been sleeping he slept in the spare room..I was crying a lot and off loading a lot of my worries to him about everything.. He was my main support and unfortunately I relied a lot on him..also because life was so stressful for me I often brought up marriage even though I don’t really want to get married.probably as I felt rest of life was falling apart so was looking for security.he isn’t into marriage and thought the stuff he was doing and wanted was a big commitment to him..but I went on and on about it and I know he felt pressured. So he used that also as an excuse for the breakup too..I want marriage he doesn’t.then he made logic that if he didn’t want to he can’t have loved me as much as he thought but I said u don’t want to marry anyone..he just seem to have made logic of why he wanted out.overall though as a cple we had alot in common and were at ease with each other..anyway the day he rang to break up the night before I was asking when are you coming up next and he kept postponing it..I did notice he had been a little distant for the last few weeks..the day he rung up to breakup..he said he’d lost the connection..he said he was tired of everything and wanted to be alone..and he was crying..but then said bye and hung up..I was beside myself..he turned his pH off and was off all weekend..Sunday two days later he emailed me saying I was an amazing person n beautiful soul but he’d not contact me anymore as too heartbreaking..I couldn’t believe it..I emailed him back..and asked him to pH that this was unfair.. He did..he was very cold and just wanted to go..so I flew down two days later to confront him..I only got to see him for half an hr..he was cold towards me..Sat at other end of bed..said he’d lost the connection and wanted to be alone.there wasn’t anyone else involved…I said are you not in love with me anymore and he said I don’t think so..I left in tears..when I left he was trying not to cry..I did the whole begging thing over these few days..flew
home but still felt confused..I left him for ten days and then left message saying I needed to understand more..he did ring..he was really arrogant and cold and seems a lot less emotional and self assured.he said I need to make goals and be the old Annalise I use to be and move forward and life goes on and some things just don’t work out..he said he has made the right decision..he said several times like a mantra I’m not in love with you like he’d talk himself into it..went from lost connection to I don’t think so to I’m not..he seemed quite happy almost..releived of all the stresses no doubt..granted I did become a kill joy..and very different to the woman i was in the first yr who was fun and alot more carefree..the 2nd yr did drag down and there were many external problems that made me unhappy a lot..he never said it was a problem though..in fact always he was there for me and said it was ok.he said on this last conversation he was tired of the travel ldr,money marriage issue & everything else..probably all the stresses I had..and of course not in love anymore and didn’t have the desire to live with me anymore like he use
too..he talked about being alone and then in time having a relationship with someone else again..i just felt
defeated..and said so you just want me
to disappear and leave you alone..he said yes for now HE wanted no contact..he said he can see us talking in time..I said you haven’t talked to any of your ex’s before or been friends so why me..and he said I’m a good person and we have a lot in common.. I said OK whatever.he said he’d be in contact in acple of months when he had me out of his system..and that was it..Xmas and new year came and went and its been three weeks since that call..I’ve left him alone and I won’t be contacting him..he told me he was going overseas for two weeks to hangout with his mates for new year eve for fun with his mates so life after this last stressful sad yr with me must seem just fabulous..plus I know he has afew big social events over Jan and Feb and work is really busy for him in the summer too..while I’ve sat at home over the holidays hurt confused and broken..wondering how easy i am to forget it seems..but I’ve left him alone.I’ve never been cut cold like that and he’s always been such a good guy I never thought he could act so ruthless knowing the yr I’ve had and leave me to it..he said and I think i was someone very special to him..like I said first to meet his famiyl(at his age I know) and 1st he wanted to live with and he said he loved me the.most thus far..so not sure how you can just carry on and cut like all that didn’t matter,but he has..I do and i don’t understand. The sad thing is I’m able to move now and I told him I was going too but he said I’m glad your facing yr fears but it wldnt make a difference now..he was going to arrange everything for me,movers a house down there for us etc now somehow I have to do it all by myself..he knows how hard that will be for me after the yr I’ve had and now this but am going to somehow for me still though am scared as it was meant to be for us.he probably doesnt think il be able to do it alone.he’s the type of guy when he makes a descision he never looks back..and is very set in his ways,the fact all his friends and family know as well we are finished because his feelings changed..he wouldnt be likely to go back on them out of pride and logic..ie too hard work n marriage n dont love etc..so is there anything I can do? Or should I just give up,part of me wants too cause I feel so hurt and disposable and cant see him ever changing his stance esp that hes cut contact from me, but the part of me that’s fighting is the part that knows we are good when external things and the marriage thing aren’t taking the colour out of me.I suppose I did act needy and relied on him way to muc this yr.my life got very small and it wasn’t attractive no doubt.I’ve never had someone breakup with me and cut contact like id cheated or something bad especially from a before all this good guy..so can’t understand why he did that. All my other exs have always remained friendly and caring.I will continue to leave him alone .he may call or text in acple of months or he may not..he said he would but he might feel guilty or not care..its all been so head screwing..if he’d been an ass I’d get it..anyway any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for your website its great and sorry for the novel!

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Anna,

    I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

    To answer your question, whether you want to get him back is a decision you have to make for yourself. There is no right or wrong answer. I have written an article here about this topic. Hopefully, that is helpful to you.

    If you decided that you still want to try and save this relationship, then you have to work on yourself first. There is no other way. As long as you are the same woman he broke up with, he will never want to get back together with you. I will encourage you to start practising the exercise I shared in this article. Do them everyday so that you can see the difference, especially the meditation.

    You should only try to get your ex back when you are emotionally ready to do so. Since he doesn’t want to be contacted for now, this is the perfect opportunity for you to start working on yourself.

    Reply
    tan

    Hi mark,
    Thank u for helping all us ladies during these painful and confusing times.. i have a question and would love to hear it from your point of view..

    Are good relationships like the ones that last, are they complicated or only applies to the failed/doomed relationships?’

    Feels like ill never meet the right one bc all my relationships either end or become complicated and then end..

    I wish they werent so hard and i wish i had the strength and the courage to let go of the relationships that are unhealthy/complicated..

    Reply
      Mark

      It depends on what you mean by complicated. Some people may consider dating someone with young kids from a previous relationship complicated. It is subjective.

      I can understand why you feel that way if you have been through several failed relationships but I do hope you agree that this kind of thinking is not going to help you attract the right man.

      Can I suggest that you change your way of thinking?

      Maybe it is because you didn’t have the right knowledge?

      For example, you didn’t know how to meet the right man. That is why you always end up with the wrong man.
      You didn’t know how to look for red flags. That is why you overstay a relationship.
      You didn’t know what qualities are important for a long term relationship. That is why you end up with a man with the wrong qualities.

      If the lack of knowledge is the problem, then doesn’t it make sense to work on your knowledge?

      If you trust my recommendation, I will encourage you to go get this book. I am recommending it to you because I really believe the information will help you. Basically, this is a book I will recommend to my female friends if they are going through the same situation as you.

      Reply
        tan

        Hi mark,

        Youre right. I grew up in a very negative abusive toxic family. My parents used to beat eachother and my sister and i. I never truly understood what a healthy relationship is. I stay passed the due date bc i just want to be loved. I kno i kno u have to love and accept yourself first but its not easy for me since i was brought up

        Reply
        tan

        Sorry abt leaving my incomplete comment. I accidently hit send while typing.

        I am using this time to try to change my thinking and have more self love. Its just hard sometimes and i have good and bad days.
        I will check out the book thanks for the recommendation

        Reply
Nay

Hey Mark. I’m really going through a rough time.
My boyfriend broke up with me for the third time, claiming he has lost feelings. He came back the last two times after thinking things through, I guess. Reading your article opened my eyes. I know it’s vital that I wait and try to heal myself, accept things, and so on, but I can’t help but think that he will text me. The last time he broke up with me he told me he does not want an on and off relationship, yet we’d gotten back together. This time it feels different, and it feels like he will not come back. I love him so much and I know he loves me as well, and was just fed up with how I was acting toward him for the past few weeks. We are both rather young- 17. We were together for overall a year and four months. However, Mark, he means so much to me. Lately things haven’t been the best, and I can blame myself for that, too. I’ve been very unaware and I’ve been reacting to situations rather than responding to them. I just want another chance to prove that I am more understanding. I want to know if he will come back. He’s such a difficult boy to understand, and he rarely shares his feelings with anyone, including his friends, who are my friends now as well. I’m just so torn up by this. Anyone who I ask tells me to move on, or they tell me to work on me. I get it and I’m working on myself. I’m starting to understand these things more. I just want to know if he will consider coming back again. I don’t know what it will take. I want to know if I should message him and say “have a good day/night!” I want to know if that will push him away less. I need help with calming my mind. I’m a 17-year-old girl who has lost motivation to do everything. Please help me.

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Nay,

    I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

    I don’t think you should message him because it is not going to make any difference. Also, there is no hurry to contact him. No need to rush. You are going to get much better results if you follow the advice in this article, go no contact and actually use this no contact period to really practise the exercises. Just reading this article without doing the exercises is not going to help you get results.

    If you need more help to calm your mind, you can sign up for my Calm Down Newsletter above.

    Reply
Snowieman

Hi! Very inspired by your post.
My ex bf and I were in an on-off relationship for the past one year. We felt very strongly for each other that’s what keeps us together.
We started off in a very passion way but I did a huge mistake. He did not want commitment during the start which made me go crazy and mad that I did all shits wanting his attention like grabbing another guy in front of him, went to club and went wild but of cause I did not do anything that would ruin our relationship but that’s not what he thinks.
To conclude, we had a very bad start. When we officially got together, I wasn’t aware that he still mind about all those issues and I started throwing tantrum when he’s being cold towards me. The fact of him being cold towards me is because he did not want to burst his temper when he thought of the past towards me.
On and off with those issues, we decided to break it off after 3 months of our relationship. We had a week of NC then we randomly will text each other to take care and stuff after that we eventually patch back again.
This happened for about 5 times then 2 months ago, he finally couldn’t stand it anymore, he wanted an official break up. I broke down because he was totally mean and being harsh on words towards me. I pleaded, I begged, I cried for him to stay yet he left. That point of time, I was having hard time moving to a new place. Though we broke up, he said he’ll be there to help me for moving. I felt like it’s just a false hope from him and sense of pitying me, so I stayed strong. With help of a good friend, I managed to move everything and got all things done without him. He was shocked and came running back to me and asked for a second chance. and of cause I still love him very deeply, I gave him another chance.
What happened after was due to my emotions. My emotions always overwhelm me. He is younger than me btw. I’m always afraid of the things he does all because I’m afraid of losing him I would say. After that patch back, I became very needy and clingy and ridiculous. I spoke words without proving actions and he decided to leave again.
Then again, I was firmed when I did not meet him but once I met him, I went all crazy crying, begging again. He said he gave me a final chance by him treating me as just a companion but I can continue to treat him as bf. It truly hurts but I know it was my fault things turn out this way.
I don’t know what to do now to change the whole situation. He is treating me all cold when we are texting but when we are together, he treats me just like before, lovely and sweet. I don’t want this. I want all back to normal not just when we are together. It hurts.
Seriously, what should I do?

Reply
    Mark

    You need to get out of reaction mode as mentioned in this article.

    Have you started practising the exercises in this article? If not, then it is time to start. Being inspired is not enough. You have to do something.

    For example, I can tell you all the benefits of meditation. I can tell you regular mediation will make you calmer and more aware so that you are less likely to react on autopilot. However, if you don’t actually sit down to do it, there is no way I can impart that awareness and calmness to you. You need to develop those qualities through daily practice.

    So what should you do? Well, start practising what I share with you in this article. Also, sign up for my Calm Down Newsletter above. I am going to share a lot of new information in my newsletter with you.

    Reply
Sabeena

I have to say this website it perhaps the most realistic in terms of advice for someone grieving a relationship. I really applaud you on the advice you have given. It is not manipulative, its not about distancing and going cold emotionally but is about facing yourself and improving interactions with not just your ex-boyfriend but others too.

I too broke up with my other half back in December. After frantically applying the NC rule and thinking he will contact me from January I found myself twisted around a very thin pole and highly emotional all the time. I still am and it has been almost two months. The NC rule works if you are focusing on yourself, as you have stated- but having these false childish expectations that you can make him miss you is wrong.

Apart from that, I would like to ask some sound advice. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I do have these urges to contact him but I have held myself back in fear of making things worse (anxiety…) My anger was my main issue and my depression. He was unable to cope because of other external issues.

So my question is, as someone who suffers from anxiety how is the best way to contact someone? I am also keeping my distance as I am still highly emotional and am afraid of scaring him off.

Thank you for this website. Very good for ALL relationships not just for lost ones!

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Sabeena,

    What was the reason for breaking up? To answer your question, I will suggest that you don’t contact him if you are still anxious. I know you have already gone through a period of NC. However, if you are doing the normal NC like what many other websites are suggesting, focusing on external stuffs or simply waiting for time to pass, it is not going to work.

    I will encourage you to start practising some form of mediation. You can try the one in the video above or you can sign up for a mediation course near your place. I recommend mediation because it is very helpful for people who are suffering from anxiety and depression. There have been a lot of scientific research about this. So this is something you can work on during NC. I will encourage you to try it for at least 30 days, every single day for at least 10 minutes so that you can start seeing the difference.

    This will help you to calm down. There is no hurry to contact your ex if you are still not emotionally ready. Trying to contact him when you are still anxious will just push him further away.

    Reply
Glynis

Hi mark,

Thanks for the blogs. They have been very useful and enlightening. U take a balanced approach in your advice and I appreciate that u are not hard selling.

My bf and I broke up in end November. I was the one who broke up with him because I wanted to get married but he isn’t ready. This is the third time we broke up over this issue and this time he decided not to patch up. I was quite sure I was ready to go at first. But now i feel that I want him back. The whole problem is that I’m a good ten years older than him and I want to settle down. He is only 28 and feels that he needs to accomplish more in his life before he can commit. All along in the relationship I was giving him deadlines to be ready as I felt that I am at a crucial age. Each time he asked for more time, I gave in because I really love him.

Now that we have broken up, he has been exceedingly abusive in his texts to me. He tells me that it’s not that this breakup may be permanent but he doesn’t want to be together now and asked me to move on and date other people if I want, that there is no need to wait for him. I have tried to give him time and not contact him, but each time I can only do 2 weeks max. No matter what I say, he interprets it negatively. Even when I told him I realize that I have been negative in our relationship and I want to give him time this time around and that I’ve backed down on my stance about marriage and will wait for him.

I’m currently starting a NC and I’m on the 9th day. I’m feeling calmer now but I really like to know what do u think are my chances in getting back with him. This is a serious issue and he told me basically I have hit his limit. The damage has been done no matter how sorry I am. I’m not sure if there is any hope but I still feel that it was a great relationship and other than this problem, we were able to click.

Appreciate your reply.

Reply
    Mark

    How long have you all been together? And when was the last two break up? The reason I am asking is because if he is really not into marriage right now, how long are you willing to continue waiting? And what if you wait for a few more years and he still doesn’t want to get married, or worse still, he may want to marry another woman.

    There is one more thing I am concerned about, which is your age gap, especially when the woman is much older than the man. Of course I do not know him personally but I think this is worth taking into consideration. Let just say that most men will not want to marry a woman much older than them. So I am not really sure if it is because he is really not ready for marriage or he just doesn’t want to marry you but he doesn’t want to tell you upfront, maybe because he is afraid of hurting you. And there is another more practical reason. Maybe he wants his own biological kids but in a few years, maybe it is already too late for you to have your own kids.

    Of course, I may be wrong. I am just pointing them out for you to take into consideration. Also, you may want to consider whether you are trying to get him back for any of these 6 reasons I mentioned in this article. Just being able to click alone is not enough for a relationship that is going to last the next 40 years.

    Reply
Lisa

Hi
My bf of 1 yrs and 2month broke up with me at the beginning of January over a missunderstand…I didn’t take him home which was an hour away!
We had are ups and are down but always pulled through them but this time around I don’t think so.
We split up back in October and he came running back after a second chance which I did give in as I love him to bits.
This time around he ignored me. He finds it hard to let his feelings out and to say what he is actually thinking he would rather ignore the issues.
I went to the nc to heal myself and started looking after myself as the 1st few days I was needy and begged him and realised it wasn’t helping as he was ignoring me and it just made me angry.
He contacted me last week we spoke all that week and he asked if I would meet him for lunch but it felt to me I was the person starting the convocation.
He told me that he loves me but slowly trying not too?! And he’s still got feeling for me.
I’m 30 and he’s 27 he was married but went through a divorce last year.

Reply
san

hi mark,

i had a boyfriend for 6 years he left me or i can say that he dumped me last year. he was gone without a warning he don’t even talked to me. i really loved him until now there’s nothing change in my feelings even though i know that he don’t love me anymore. i cant open my heart again and give chance to my self to love again i just can’t cut him of in my system. he is my first boyfriend and i can’t imagine myself to be with someone else..
i truly love him i don’t want anyone but him but when i remember that he doesn’t care about me and remember that he dumps me it feels like someone punching my stomach,

after a year he message me by saying hi.. i responded quickly to him without even saying about the past or about what he did. i acted like were normal friends. talking nothing.. i know that i am hoping that he’ll come back to me again but i was wrong i can’t understand why did he keeps in touch with me then gone. he will just pm me on fb just saying hi in midnight then when we are talking he will tell me that bye i need to sleep then goodnight .. though i see that he is still online .. i never chat him first he is the one who always chats me.

do you think i need to tell him that i still love him ? then i will say that i don’t want to be friends with him because i cant move on in that situation..but i like to talk to him and be friends with him but i am hurting so much and hoping to nothing. i was confuse..

i hope you can advice me . more power

Reply
Snxi

Mark,
Hi Mark, my ex and I recently broke up. We have been on and off again since we were 16 and now we are 26. We have always had a good relationship as far as communication goes and he really truly is my best friend. We broke up because at 26 he feels like he isn’t doing enough to be worthy of me… He doesn’t drive or have an education (no ged or diploma) and he has a part time job, not a full time. I, on the other hand, have a degree and a good job. I was basically supporting him which made him feel emasculated. I understand why he feels this way and I understand that there are things that I probably should have done differently. He basically felt like if I was still there, it would enable him to not go and get what he needs, because I would always bail him out. This part is true. I have always been overly supportive of his situation thinking that eventually he will get it together. Now, we have been apart for almost two months and I have come to find that, I still love him with all my heart. I tried to go out with other people, I have tried a lot of other things but for some reason, I cant get past the point of friendship with them even though they say and do all the right things. So, what would you suggest I do or say to my ex. He is currently on his way to driving and has taken practice GED courses that we had found together… Just wondering if I should say anything to him or if I should keep quiet. Thanks so much.

Reply
Matt

Hi there, I’ve read a couple of your articles from top to bottom. Keep in mind that I am a guy who’s recently broke up with a girl. Of course I put it upon myself to scroll through the internet trying to find ways and tips to getting my girlfriend back. I just so happened to have stumbled upon your blog and have found it to make a heck of a lot more sense than most pages out there. I noticed that this was leaning towards women who have got their hearts broken. My question is can this be applied to guys as well?

Reply
Krista

Hi Mark,

My bf broke up with me a little over a week ago. I had been getting upset with him over many things, and we fought a lot. It was always me getting upset with him though. My bf before him had cheated on me a lot, so I am very insecure, and get jealous of him talking to other girls. He broke up with me because he said we are just too different and he can’t give me what I need. I want him to see that I am not that angry person, and if I am able to let go of that anger, we could have a different relationship and be happier. He is an extremely analytical person, and even though I have told him that many times, he says he doesn’t believe things can change. I haven’t spoken to him for a few days now. And fully plan to work on myself and loving myself and letting go of my insecurities and anger, but I was wondering if you had any advice on getting him to agree to give me another chance and helping him see things can change? Thanks so much.

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chendra

Mark, I was with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we broke up about a month ago. At first I tried calling and texting him without any reply. I stopped making contact with him and asked for my stuff back. He said that he wasn’t ready to see me yet. That was about two weeks ago. I have not contacted him since then, and he has not said anything about me coming to get my stuff. I have been heartbroken, a mess. When we broke up he said that we haven’t been getting along, and that he is stressed out and wants to focus on other things. Like getting some debit paid off. He said if we crossed paths later maybe it would work out. I miss him so much. It hurts everyday. I believe that this isn’t the end of us but I don’t know what to do. He texted me last week, because I accidentally pocked dialed him. He asked if I was okay, I said yes. And then he asked again. I did not reply. And woke up to another text that said he just wanted to make sure that I was okay, and that he still cares about me. He also texted my sister and asked how I was doing. She told him I was doing okay, but I missed him. In return he said that he had a rough few days and that he missed me.

I am lost, I don’t know what to do anymore.

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