What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Do you have what it takes to get your ex boyfriend back? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first time you heard of the concepts I am going to reveal to you today.

After all, most breakup websites out there are telling you to ignore your ex boyfriend during no contact, pretend to be happy, go to the gym, post photo of you with another guy to make him jealous, send him a magic letter and so on…

Is There Any Progress With Your Ex Boyfriend?

I believe you have probably seen them before you landed on my website. Perhaps, you have even tried some of the tactics above. If you did, I have a question for you.

Where has that gotten you so far? Are you seeing any progress in your relationship?

Or maybe it backfired? Instead of drawing your ex boyfriend closer to you, those tactics push him further away.

This is not surprising. After all, those are just mind games. In fact, if you are honest with yourself, you probably feel bad using those tactics on your ex boyfriend. You feel like you have compromised your own integrity and you are not being true to yourself.

Warning! I Am Going To Say Things You Don’t Want To Hear

Before you read on, I have to warn you.

I am going to tell you a few things that you may not want to hear but really need to.

I am doing so because I don’t want you to take shortcut and focus on the wrong things. This will help you save a lot of time and money. More importantly, I want to stop you from using tactics that will cause serious damage to your relationship.

For example, you may have seen some ebooks that claim you can get your ex back in 14 days or less using some secret psychological tactics that work on a man so that he will be down on his knees, crawling towards you and begging you to take him back.

(I am going to dispel this “14 days or any number of days” myth later.)

You decided to buy that ebook only to realize that it doesn’t work. Even worse, it pushes your ex boyfriend further away.

So you end up wasting 14 precious days and the money you spend on that ebook. Even worse, those dirty psychological tricks turn off your ex boyfriend.

This means you have even more work to do if you want him back. Initially, you might have a chance to get him back in 3 months if you follow the proper method.

But because of taking shortcut, now you have to undo the damages. So you have to spend 6 months instead of 3 months to get your ex boyfriend back.

Hopefully, after reading this article, you will know what doesn’t work so that you won’t be tempted to take shortcut. You will have a much better chance to get your ex boyfriend back if you follow the proper method.

Important! Don’t Believe In Everything I Say

You are probably going to resist my message initially and that is perfectly fine.

After all, I don’t want you to believe in everything I say blindly. Instead, I want to encourage you to think critically about your relationship. Take some time to think about whether what I said make sense.

Here is an even better approach. Try some of ideas I am sharing with you today.

See whether they make you a better person.

See whether they make you feel better about yourself.

More importantly, see whether your relationship with others improve.

The things I am going to share with you today are timeless relationship principles.

They don’t just help you connect better with your ex boyfriend. If you really adopt those principles as part of your life, your relationship with others will also improve, whether they are your family, colleagues, classmates, friends or even a stranger you meet on the street.

In fact, I want to encourage you to Bookmark This Page (Ctrl + D) now. Chances are, what I am saying is too much for you to take in today.

Maybe you will still go ahead (hopefully not) and try those tactics and mind games you learn from other websites, only to realize that they don’t work.

No matter what, I hope you will come back to this page later and start appreciating what I am sharing with you today.

The No Contact Rule ( N.C. Rule)

Let’s start with the no contact rule since this is probably the most popular and misunderstood topic in the get your ex back community.

I am going to assume that you already know what the no contact rule is. If not, you can read my article here: Does the no contact rule work?

What’s Right and Wrong With The No Contact Rule?

Almost every breakup website talks about the nc rule. So if everyone is saying the same thing, then it must be the right thing to do, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, it isn’t as simple as that. The problem here is that every website has different set of rules.

So now, we have one no contact and multiple rules.

Which rule should you follow then?

What’s Right With NC?

First, let’s talk about what’s right.

i. To Heal From a Break Up

Everyone agrees that you need to heal after breaking up. I agree too. After all, it is easy to say and do the wrong things when you are flooded with negative emotions.

So if you are using nc to heal, you are doing the right thing.

ii. For 30 Days

Also, most websites recommend 30 days of no contact. I agree with that too. I believe that most people do need at least 30 days to recover from a break up.

However, I don’t think you need to be so rigid with the number of days. If you are one of the few people who truly feels a lot better after 21 days, what is stopping you from initiating contact with your ex?

On the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend you to contact your ex just 3 days after the break up. That may be a little bit too soon. People generally don’t heal that fast.

Even if you have recovered from the breakup, your ex may still need more time. I would recommend a minimum of at least 14 days. For most people though, 30 days is a pretty good guideline.

What’s Half Right With NC?

Work On Yourself

Other than healing, most websites also tell you to work on yourself.

Basically, they give you superficial advice such as upgrade your wardrobe, change your diet, go to the gym, meet friends, date other people, be happy, increase your confidence and so on…

I think they are really missing the point here. That’s why I call it “half right”.

Yes, it is not a bad idea to make these changes. But at the end of the day, those are just very superficial external changes.

Those changes may not even last, especially if you are doing so purely for the sake of getting your ex boyfriend back.

I am going to make a wild guess here. I am guessing that your ex boyfriend didn’t break up with you because you didn’t go to the gym? So how can going to the gym help you get your ex boyfriend back?

I hope that makes you think a little bit deeper about what it really takes to get your ex boyfriend back.

Superficial external changes that don’t last can only bring you so far. Yes, your ex boyfriend might get back together with you when he sees the “external changes” in you.

But after a while, he is probably going to realize that you are still the same old person after all. Let say you break up with him because you are clingy and insecure, going to the gym everyday is not going to cure your insecurities.

When crisis happens, you are going to revert to your old habits. Your ex boyfriend is going to feel cheated and leave the relationship again.

It Is The Internal Transformation That Is Going To Determine Whether You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to focus on real, lasting internal transformation.

These are skills you need to work on starting from today. They will not only help you with your romantic relationship. They will also come in handy when you are communicating with your boss, co-workers, friends and people in general.

This is going to be our main discussion in this article. But before that, I just want to quickly talk about the types of no contact rule you should avoid.

It is important to go through them because I don’t want to see you sabotaging your own relationship by following the wrong set of rules.

What’s Wrong with NC?

i. Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend Completely

One version of nc rule is to ignore your ex boyfriend when he contacts you whether by phone, text messages or emails. Don’t pick up the phone and don’t reply.

This is a very dangerous and immature approach. It doesn’t reflect well on you.

First, your ex may think that you have moved on and decided to move on too.

Second, your ex may think you are playing mind games on him and get angry. Maybe he will start ignoring you too to get back at you.

Needless to say, if you are trying to get him back, this makes your job more difficult than it needs to be.

If you still need time to heal from the break up and is not ready to talk to your ex, there is a much better and more mature approach.

You can say something like, “Hey, thanks for contacting me. I really appreciate it. I would love to catch up with you again sometime in the future. However, right now, I am still feeling emotional over the breakup. I promise I will get back to you once I feel better.”

By doing so, you are keeping the door open. You are being honest and that kind of reply doesn’t make you look desperate or needy.

Also, it makes it easier when you are ready to contact him. You can simply carry on the conversation from there.

ii. Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

I have already written an article about why it is not a good idea to use no contact to make your ex boyfriend miss you.

Here is the article: How to Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

So I am going to keep it brief here.

Basically, you have totally no control over whether your ex boyfriend is going to miss you. If you are using no contact for that purpose, you are probably going to find yourself wasting a lot of time.

You will keep on wondering whether he misses you. Maybe you will be spending hours on Facebook obsessing about his status update. Maybe he added a girl as a friend. You will start to question whether she is his new love interest.

Your anxiety level will increase. How is that going to help you get your ex boyfriend back? You will do much better if you actually focus inward.

Instead of spending hours on Facebook, why not spend 10 to 20 minutes doing the inner work exercises I am going to share with you later in this article?

I am sure you can see which approach is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

Why Internal Transformation Is Important

Alright, now it’s time for us to talk about the internal transformation you need in order to get your ex boyfriend back.

You may be wondering why internal transformation is important.

Well, let me give you an analogy here.

Imagine that your head is itchy but you scratch your butt instead. Have you managed to relieve the itch?

Of course not! But you refuse to give up. So you keep on scratching your butt until it starts to bleed. Now, your head is still itchy and situation has become worse. Now, you can’t even sit.

Yes, I know this is a very crude analogy. But let’s be honest here. How many people are using crude ways to try and get their ex back?

For example, maybe your were too clingy. Interacting with you doesn’t feel good anymore. It is emotionally draining for your ex boyfriend. Therefore, he decided to break up with you.

So you go to the internet to find out how to get your boyfriend back. Instead of working on your clinginess, you found a website that gives you a magic letter that you can send to your ex.

So you send the letter. Not only does the letter not work, it makes the situation worse. Your boyfriend withdraws further. And of course, fundamentally, you are still the same old clingy person.

Now, your head is still itchy. To make things worse, your butt is bleeding and you won’t be able to sit for some time. Obviously, the right thing to do in the first place is to simply scratch the head.

Why Your Ex Broke Up With You

Do you know why your ex broke up with you? Yes, I know there are probably 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, I know every situation is unique.

But when you really examine the root reason for breaking up, it is simply because your ex doesn’t feel a strong emotional connection with you anymore.

It doesn’t matter whether the breakup is due to clinginess, long distance relationship, cheating or any other reasons. Because your ex doesn’t have a strong enough emotional connection with you, he doesn’t have the motivation to continue the relationship with you.

That is why you should focus on scratching your head. You should focus on real, lasting internal transformation so that you can bring a better you when you are interacting with your ex. The new you will be able to form a strong emotional connection with him.

The Internal Transformation You Should Focus On During No Contact

Awareness

The first thing you should focus on is to develop awareness.

Here are 3 questions that are probably in your mind.

1. What is awareness?

2. What has awareness got to do with getting my ex back?

3. How do I develop awareness?

Here is the answer.

What is awareness and how does it help me get my ex back?

The awareness I am talking about here is present moment awareness.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly replaying things that happen in the past.

When you are fully in the present moment, you won’t be constantly anticipating what is going to happen in the future.

It is important to develop your ability to stay in the present moment so that you can be more aware of what is happening both inside (eg. clingy, bad temper, big ego etc.) and outside (eg. your ex’s current emotional state) of yourself.

If this is the first time you heard of this concept of present moment awareness, you may find it a little bit abstract.

So I am going to try my best to explain it in a more layman language. Maybe the best way is to look at examples that can happen in real life.

Let’s look at the first example.

Have you ever tried talking to someone who is not fully present?

Maybe while you are talking to him, he is so busy checking his phone.

Or maybe while you are talking to him, he is looking at you. Yet, you can somehow sense that he is not fully present. (Very Big Hint: You cannot fake awareness! People can sense it!)

Maybe he is thinking about something that happened in the past. Maybe he is thinking about what is going to happen in the future. You can feel that he is zoned out.

Maybe he is your ex boyfriend? How do you feel when he is not fully present? Do you feel an emotional disconnection?

Are you guilty of that yourself? Have you spent your entire life not being fully present?

Let’s look at the second example.

Without present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are constantly thinking about the future. You are constantly thinking about what to say next so much so that you didn’t notice he is worried.

Ouch! You just lose an opportunity for deep emotional connection.

With present moment awareness:

You are meeting your ex boyfriend. You are fully present. You realize that he seems a little bit worried. So you ask him what happen.

He tells you that his company is downsizing and he is worried about losing his job.

He feels more emotionally connected to you because you are actually aware of how he feels.

Let’s look at the third example.

Without present moment awareness:

Your boyfriend is having an important exam. Because of that, he has to spend more time studying and therefore call you less often.

Due to the lack of awareness, you are acting on autopilot mode. You are insecure. You started over texting him, surprised him by going to his place etc.

He can’t take it anymore and decided to break up with you.

With present moment awareness:

You are still insecure. You pick up the phone wanting to text him.

Fortunately, you have been cultivating awareness. Therefore, you are no longer acting on autopilot.

Because of your awareness, you managed to catch yourself on the act before you do something silly that will push your boyfriend away.

Because of your awareness, you can put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend. You know he still loves you but is just too busy to call you as often.

You continue working on your awareness. Eventually, you even managed to overcome your insecurity. Now, insecurity no longer has any hold on you.

Hopefully, after looking at these 3 examples, you have a glimpse of how present moment awareness can help you get your ex back.

Awareness Cannot Be Faked If You Don’t Have It

As mentioned above, you can’t fake awareness.

While reading this section, you may be thinking to yourself, “Ya, I kind of know what awareness is.”

However, that is only knowing it intellectually. You haven’t really developed the skill. This can be easily verified with your ex. If one text message or Facebook status update from your ex boyfriend put you back into panic mode, then you know you still need a lot of practice.

It is just like skating. Seeing other people skate is easy. But wait till you put on the skates. You will probably fall the first time you try.

The only way to learn how to skate is to practice. Similarly, you need to practice in order to develop awareness. You can’t just read this article and claim that you know it all.

Awareness Is Not A Magic Pill

Now, I am not saying that once you developed awareness, you will no longer be nervous around your ex. It is just that you will be more calm when dealing with your ex. You are also less likely to act on autopilot.

Maybe this is a better way to describe it:

With awareness, you will learn to respond instead of react.

Example:

Without awareness:

Your ex boyfriend is angry at you and tells you that it is impossible between the two of you.

You get desperate and start reacting on autopilot. You start begging and pleading. Obviously, this is not going to help you get your ex back.

With awareness:

Same scenario.

You still feel a sense of desperation. Fortunately, you have been working on your awareness. You are aware that you are going to react (beg and plead). Because of that awareness, you manage to stop yourself in the track.

You are also aware of how your ex boyfriend feels. You know he is saying that because he is angry at you.

Therefore, you know you don’t have to take “impossible to be together” too seriously. Instead, you are able to respond by empathizing with him.

So while awareness is not a magic pill, it gives you the capacity to deal with all kinds of awkward situations thrown to you by your ex.

This will not be possible if you are relying on text message or magic letter templates.

I understand that having some templates can be helpful in certain situations. However, you will still need present moment awareness as the foundation. You need to be fully present when you are interacting with your ex. Otherwise, what are you going to say once you run out of templates?

How To Develop Awareness?

There are many ways to develop awareness. So feel free to conduct your own research about this topic.

But since you are here, I want to share with you something practical.

In my opinion, one of the best ways to develop present moment awareness is through meditation.

I know there are other get your ex back websites that may have mentioned meditation. However, I think they are missing the point.

They make it seem like you can practice meditation whenever you feel like doing it. However, I really encourage you to make it a daily routine. Make it a habit.

I am not making this up out of thin air.

There have been a lot of scientific studies done on meditation. So it is scientifically proven that regular meditation brings a whole host of benefits. It makes you healthier, calmer, happier and more.

Of course, for the purpose of this article, we are more interested in using meditation to develop awareness so that you have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back. So you can treat the other benefits as a bonus.

If you are interested to find out what other benefits meditation can bring, you can find out more yourself as this is out of scope of this article.

The Breath Meditation

One of the most common meditation methods is the breath meditation. Basically, all you do is to sit on a chair or on the floor cross legged, keep your back straight, close your eyes gently and focus on your breath.

Follow the breath as you breathe in and out. The idea here is to be fully present in your own body. Be aware of your own breath.

This might seem to be an easy thing to do. But wait till you try it and you will see how difficult it can be especially if this is the first time you are doing it.

After all, you have probably spent your whole life not being fully present. I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming most of my visitors are at least 20 years old.

So you have spent at least 20 years not practicing awareness. Therefore, it is normal to find meditation difficult. While you are trying hard to focus on the breath, I wouldn’t be surprised if new thoughts keep on coming up, especially thoughts about your ex.

That is often called the monkey mind. The purpose of meditation is to learn how to tame the monkey mind, so that you can be more present and aware.

The Release Meditation Method

I usually practice the breath mediation but I do realize that it is not the easiest method to get into for beginners.

Fortunately, I came across this “Release Meditation Method” on Youtube. In my opinion, it is easier to get into for most people compared to Breath Mediation.

However, once you get the hang of Release Meditation, I do encourage you to practice Breath Mediation.

I embedded the video below. Watch for instructions.

How Meditation Can Help You Get Your Ex Back

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you can just meditate somewhere in the cave of a mountain and your ex will come back to you miraculously.

Obviously, that’s not how meditation is going to help you get your ex back.

What meditation does it that it gives you the awareness you need to handle both yourself and your ex.

For example, you may be someone who gets angry easily. You often argue with your ex boyfriend. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke up with you.

Without meditation, you will just automatically act on your anger when someone (your ex boyfriend) pushes your button. It is as if you have no control over your own emotions. You are living life just like a robot.

With meditation, when your button is pushed, you managed to recognize that you are going to get angry just one second before you act on it and explode on your ex boyfriend.

Don’t underestimate that one second. That gives you just enough time to make a U-turn. You are now more in control of your own emotions and it certainly makes you more human.

Of course, I am just using anger as an example. Basically, meditation and awareness works for all kinds of emotions.

Can you see how this is going to give you a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

Meditation and Awareness Are Not Something That Can Be Fully Described With Words

There is only so much I can tell you about the benefits of meditation and awareness in words.

You really need to try for yourself to experience the benefits.

I know this is probably not the best analogy but I can’t think of a better one right now. So I will use it anyway.

It is just like sex. I can tell you how wonderful sex is and how great it feels. But if you never have sex before, you won’t know exactly how great it feels. All you have is intellectual knowledge.

It is the same for meditation and awareness. So don’t just read this article and think you have grasp everything. No matter how busy you are, try to block a period of time where you just meditate.

After all, you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your ex boyfriend back right?

Some Exceptions

But there are some exceptions. If you are suffering from severe depression or any psychiatric conditions where you are taking medications, then you may want to consult your doctor first. Otherwise, meditation is generally safe and highly beneficial for most people.

The Next Skill To Cultivate – Acceptance

Before you can cultivate Acceptance, you need to work on Awareness first. They go hand in hand. You can’t accept something if you are not even aware of what to accept.

Why Acceptance Is Important

I would like to start off this section with a question I received because it perfectly illustrates what happen when you are in non-acceptance (resistance) mode.

Hopefully, after reading my analysis of this question, you will start to see why it is so important to cultivate Acceptance if you want to get your ex boyfriend back.

Here is the question:

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

As you can see from the question above, she didn’t give me a lot of details about her relationship. I do not know what causes the breakup and what she did over the 8 months period. So I can’t really give her very specific suggestion.

But I do see familiarity in her situation because it is very common. I receive similar question from time to time. Most probably, you will be able to relate to some of the experiences she is going through. So let’s start the analysis.

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35.

I am going to take this opportunity to dispel a very popular myth here. It is “Time heals all wounds”.

If you have visited other get your ex back websites, you will usually see advice such as just go no contact for 30 or whatever number of days and you will start feeling better.

There are also advice such as go to the gym, eat healthier, exercise, go out with friends and other external methods.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t do those things. After all, if you haven’t been meeting your friends because you were spending too much time with your ex, then it is probably a good time to start catching up with them again.

If you have been leading an unhealthy lifestyle, then it is not a bad idea to start eating healthier and exercising more regularly. They do help you feel a little bit better. However, those are very superficial stuff and won’t really help you heal fully.

Perhaps you have already tried doing those external things? Maybe you have even been in no contact for a few weeks. So are you truly feeling better now?

If you are really honest with yourself, most probably, the answer is no.

Sure, on the surface, you may be feeling better after 30 days of no contact. But the real test comes when you are interacting with your ex. If you find yourself always reacting over your ex’s every move and are constantly in a state of emotional turmoil, then you know you have not truly healed.

Susan mentioned she has used no contact for 35 days. She also said:

I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again.

From that alone, I know she has not really healed from the breakup after 35 days of no contact.

I am not sure what she did during those 35 days. But I am assuming that she is doing a very passive form of no contact. Basically, just waiting for “time to heal all wounds”, which is definitely not a very effective approach.

Alternatively, she may be focusing on those external things mentioned earlier. Again, not a very effective approach to heal a broken heart.

As long as she focuses on the wrong approach, it doesn’t matter whether she goes no contact for 35 days or 350 days. She won’t be able to heal fully.

I am not exaggerating here. Just a few days ago, I receive a comment from a woman who is still hurting one year after her break up. And I know there are people out there who are still hurting even after a few years.

When you are focusing on those external stuff, all you are doing is distracting yourself. You are simply ignoring and suppressing the pain but the pain is still going to be there for a very long time.

So What Is The Key To Healing A Broken Heart?

If you want to see better results, you should focus on cultivating Awareness and Acceptance instead.

Here is an analogy:

Imagine there is a hole in the roof of your house. Every time it rains, your house is going to be wet.

You can do nothing for 30 days and the hole is still going to be there.

Sure, you may start feeling better after 30 days but that is not because the hole is no longer there. It is because you have gotten used to living in a wet house. You are used to numbing yourself.

This may work for a short period of time. But eventually, you still have to face the consequences of ignoring the hole. The hole is going to become bigger. When winter comes, you are going to feel the effect.

You can also focus on the external stuff like scooping the water out of the house or placing a pail under the hole.

Yes, now you are doing something. But the result is still the same. The hole is still there.

Why not try a better approach?

First, you need to be aware that there is a hole in the roof.

Next, you need to accept that the hole is there.

This is called acceptance.

Some people may try to resist the fact because of various reasons.

Oh, it is so troublesome.

It cost money to get someone to fix the hole.

I have to clean up after that.

I have to stay at home while they are repairing the roof.

This is called resistance.

But there is no point trying to resist it. Might as well fix it now. The more and longer you resist, the more sufferings you are going to bring to yourself.

Roof Repair vs Break Up

Yes, I know the roof repair example seems pretty obvious right?

But when it comes to your relationship, suddenly, what you need to do is not so obvious anymore.

Well, it is not your fault. After all, a break up is a lot more emotional compared to a hole in the roof.

When emotions are high, logic get thrown out of the window.

And the fact that there are so many websites telling you to do nothing or external stuff during no contact is making you more confused.

That is why you didn’t have the awareness to focus on the right things in the first place.

Hopefully, after reading this section, you are at least aware that those approaches won’t help you to heal a broken heart.

You are going to do better if you focus on Acceptance instead.

Using Acceptance To Heal A Broken Heart

Acceptance is about embracing both the positive and negative experiences.

When it comes to healing a broken heart, it means allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, anxiety etc.

You need to accept that you are feeling hurt. This is the first step of the healing process.

As human beings, we have a natural tendency to avoid pain. That is probably why doing those external stuff seem so appealing. When you are doing things like dating other people, going to the gym, waiting for time to heal your wounds, you don’t have to face those negative emotions.

Unfortunately, you can only suppress those emotions or numb yourself for so long. Eventually, they are going to come back and bite you in the most unexpected way.

For example, a visitor of my blog once told me that she lost it one day. She was trying really hard to get her ex boyfriend back and wasn’t seeing any progress. Eventually, she lost control and screamed at her ex.

That is why it is so important to face your emotions now rather than later. The sooner you face them, the sooner you can begin the healing process. This will give you greater emotional strength to handle any obstacles when you are trying to get your boyfriend back.

Using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) To Release Your Emotions

One very effective method you can use to heal yourself is the Emotional Freedom Technique.

Now, I want to be upfront with you. I am not an expert in EFT. My only exposure to EFT was through a workshop that I attended a few years ago.

However, I do find EFT very helpful in releasing negative emotions whenever I use it. I have also seen how my fellow participants benefited from EFT on their first attempt.

The beauty behind this technique is that you don’t have to be an expert in order to benefit from it.

You can just start tapping yourself and experience the benefits by following the instructions in the video below.

Of course, I cannot guarantee that it will work for you. I am sharing it with you because it has worked for me and I have seen it worked for others. Therefore, I think you may find it helpful too.

Just to share with you what I learned from my EFT instructor. For beginners, they will have a 50% success rate when using EFT to resolve their own issues.

However, for those with deeper emotional issues, self tapping may not be as effective. They can consider seeking help from a skilful EFT practitioner who has the ability to guide them through the entire process.

Just in case you are wondering, the lady in the video is not my EFT instructor.

I chose to embed this video here because after looking through a number of EFT videos on Youtube, this is the most relevant and helpful for breakups.

Accepting The Break Up

It is also important to accept that the break up has already happened. The old relationship is gone. Don’t try to fix or get the old relationship back.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Ok, so I accept the break up and I am going to let him go.”

If you really think it is best for both of you to go separate way, that is perfectly fine.

On the other hand, if deep inside your heart, you still want him back, yet you are letting him go without even trying, then that is not called acceptance. It is called resignation.

Back to the roof example. Acceptance means you accept that there is a hole in the roof and you actually do something constructive. You call the roof repair company.

The keyword here is constructive.

You don’t say something like “Ok, I accept that there is a hole in the roof. I will just let it be.” That is called resignation.

What Does It Really Mean To Accept The Breakup?

Accepting the break up means you don’t fixate on the past.

You don’t keep on thinking, “If only I have done this. If only I have done that. The break up will not have happen.”

The fact is, you can’t undo the past. I am not telling you to forget about the past completely. After all, it is a good idea to learn from your mistakes.

But once you know your mistakes, it is time to let the past go. For example, if your ex broke up with you because you were too needy, then just take note of that. Don’t beat yourself up for your neediness.

You can spend 30 days of no contact thinking, “If only I weren’t so needy, he wouldn’t have left me.” 30 days later, you are still a needy person and still not in a good position to win him back.

I am sure you can see this is not a very constructive approach.

It is much better to say, “Alright, I was needy in the past and still is. I completely accept that. I will do something to overcome my neediness”

Don’t you think that is a more constructive approach that will give you a better chance to get your ex back?

Accepting the break up also means recognizing that your ex boyfriend is a human being, just like you.

Sometimes, I receive comments from women saying things like,

“He is so stubborn!”

“He is a commitment phobe.”

In a way, this is a form of resistance. You are resisting because he is not behaving in the way you want him to.

Sure, your ex boyfriend may indeed be stubborn, a commitment phobe or any labels you are giving him. But when you strip all those labels away, he is a human being just like you.

Just like you, he has emotions.

Just like you, he has his own fears to deal with.

Just like you, he wants to be happy.

Whenever you use a label on people, you are closing the door to emotional connection.

If you label someone as hostile, you will have the tendency to react in a hostile manner too, basically fighting fire with fire. Obviously, you can’t extinguish fire with fire.

He will continue to be hostile towards you, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Needless to say, the interaction is not going to turn out well.

On the other hand, when you see him as a human being, suddenly he is no longer a hostile person. He is just someone who is angry and acting in a hostile way.

Instead of reacting with hostility, you become curious about him. You started wondering why he is so angry and acting hostile.

You started talking to him with empathy and found out why he was in such a bad mood.

Maybe he just lost his job and he is worried about his home being repossessed.

Now, you have opened the door to emotional connection. He felt understood by you. Obviously, he is no longer hostile towards you.

If you are able to bring the same level of acceptance in your interaction with your ex boyfriend, you are going to have a much better chance to establish an emotional connection with him.

Accepting the breakup also means being at peace with the fact that he is no longer your boyfriend.

In other words, you need to accept that he is no longer going to call you or text you everyday.

You need to accept that he is no longer going to celebrate your birthday for you.

You need to accept that he has the rights to date other women.

You need to accept that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.

At this point, you may be thinking, “I might as well stop trying to get my boyfriend back.”

Well, as mentioned earlier, acceptance is not resignation.

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means you don’t try to resist the reality.

The reason I am asking you to accept all those things above is because once you truly able to do so, it frees you from anxiety. Without that anxiety, you are less likely to make all the common mistakes that push your ex further away.

For example, if your ex boyfriend is dating another woman, you can certainly try to resist it. You can refuse to accept the reality. Therefore, you started doing all kinds of funny things.

Maybe you spend the whole day checking your ex’s Facebook profile. Maybe you keep on asking your ex about the other woman. Maybe you are constantly worried about whether he will really fall in love with that woman.

When you do those things, you lose awareness. You are not in the present moment. You are constantly worried about the past and future. Needless to say, when you are talking to your ex with that kind of mindset, the interaction is not going to feel good. Your ex will feel pressured and pull away from you.

On the other hand, you may not like the fact that he is dating another woman. You may not think that she is compatible with him. And of course, you still want him back. But you are able to accept the fact that he is dating another woman.

Because of that acceptance, you are able to bring a state of calmness when you are interacting with your ex. Your mind won’t be so preoccupied with the thoughts of him with another woman.

With awareness, you are even able to notice that he seems a little bit unhappy. So you are able to ask him with empathy.

Because of that, he felt understood. He is able to feel that you get him. So he opens up to you. He told you that after dating the other woman for some time, he realizes that he still loves you more.

You manage to form an emotional connection with him. You are making progress. Now you are one step closer to getting him back.

Can you see how important Acceptance is?

I think this is worth mentioning. I know there are a good number of women who push their ex away because of neediness.

Imagine that you used to be needy. But now, you are able to bring Awareness and Acceptance in your interaction with your ex.

Don’t you think that is going to change your ex’s opinion of you?

Don’t you think you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back?

Don’t you think that is going to work better than playing mind games or relying on templates to get your ex back?

Acceptance put you in a position of strength. Resistance put you in a position of weakness.

Acceptance Needs To Be Practised

Just like awareness, acceptance needs to be practised. You can’t just read this article and say, “Haha, I am now in full acceptance of everything.”

That is not going to happen for most people. After all, most of us have spent our entire life judging and putting a label on people, resisting reality, holding on to things and refusing to let go.

We have spent our entire life practising the habit of resistance. Therefore, it is going to take some time to cultivate the habit of acceptance.

For example, you might read this article and agree with everything I said about acceptance. Then the next moment, you realized that your ex didn’t wish you happy birthday.

You started panicking and over analyzing things, wondering whether he still loves you. Or maybe you react with anger, “How dare he forget my birthday!” If this is your reaction, then you know you still need some practise.

Right now, you only have an intellectual understanding of acceptance. So your goal is to make it become a part of you.

How To Practise Acceptance?

Well, start small. Start somewhere.

1. Are there people (acquaintances, neighbors, co workers, family members) you dislike because of some preconceived notion you have about them?

What labels are you using on them?

Maybe it is time to drop the labels?

Maybe it is time to get to know them more?

2. Can you start changing your reaction to some unimportant things in life?

Maybe you used to get angry whenever you miss the bus. Can you start smiling or at least don’t get so angry?

The bus is gone. No point resisting reality and getting angry, giving yourself high blood pressure. Make sense?

Maybe you decided to have a cup of coffee at a nearby coffee shop because you miss the bus. Then you realize the coffee taste so good!

Who knows? Perhaps this can be a good place to ask your ex out for a cup of coffee, when you are ready to meet him again.

Basically, the idea here is to cultivate the habit to focus on the positives.

When you can practise acceptance on the unimportant things in life, you will eventually be able to bring that acceptance to the more important things in life, such as the interaction with your ex.

Hopefully, this gives you some ideas on how to start practicing acceptance.

How The Situation Can Be Better With Acceptance

Let us take a look at the previous question again.

Hi Mark,

I decided to implement the no contact rule in order to heal a broken heart. It is already day 35 and I am still wating for him to call me. I really hope he will call because I will never call him if he doesn’t. This is because I have tried everything in the past 8 months. He was always acting hot and cold towards me. I am so confused.

I just don’t feel like trying anymore. If he calls me, I will be very happy. If he doesn’t, I will just let him go. I am not going to allow myself to get hurt again. Do you have any suggestions?

Susan

This time round, we are going to see how the situation can turn out differently with Acceptance.

1. With acceptance, Susan can heal faster because she allows herself to feel the negative emotions instead of suppressing them.

2. With acceptance, Susan can accept the fact that he may not call her and be ok with that. She is willing to take the initiative to call him when she is emotionally ready to do so.

3. With acceptance, Susan is less likely to make the mistakes most people are making when they are trying to get their ex back.

For example, in the question above, Susan said she has tried everything over 8 months without any significant results. She was getting hot and cold responses, in other words, mixed signals from her ex.

What Susan may not realize is that mixed signals is very common when you are trying to get an ex back.

Why does your ex give you mixed signals?

There are 2 possible reasons.

1. Your ex is stringing you along.

Of course, Susan didn’t give me enough details about her situation. So I can’t tell whether her ex is stringing her along. But for the purpose of this section, let’s assume that Susan’s ex is NOT stringing her along.

2. Your ex is starting develop feelings for you again.

That explains the hot behavior.

On the other hand, he is afraid of getting back into the same old relationship only to break up and get hurt again. He is not sure whether you have really changed for the better.

That explains the cold behavior.

In other words, the cold behavior is a way your ex is using to test you.

That doesn’t mean your ex is purposely setting a test for you. More often than not, this is an unconscious process that is going on inside the head of your ex.

In other words, your ex doesn’t even know he is testing you. He is just acting on autopilot, based on his emotions.

After all, I don’t think your ex have read this article or any articles that reveal similar concepts. So he is probably not practising awareness or acceptance like what you will hopefully start doing after reading this article.

So your level of acceptance is going to determine whether you pass or fail his test.

For example, in the early stages of saving your relationship, he is still very resistant towards you.

With patience, you finally manage to get him to open up to you again. Both of you started texting each other more often.

Then one day, he started withdrawing from you again. He started giving you one word reply.

At this point, most women will probably panic because that is not what they want. They can’t accept that. They just want their ex to keep on texting them more and more.

So they started sending all kinds of text messages such as jokes, pictures etc in order to elicit a response from their ex.

Obviously, that is going to push the ex further away. This is especially true if your ex broke up with you because you were needy.

Now, your ex can see that you are still needy. That means you fail his test.

On the other hand, with acceptance, you are more calm. You are able to accept the fact that sometimes, things will not go your way. You realize that maybe you were trying to move too fast.

So once you see your ex starting to give cold signal (one word reply), you realize that you need to take things a little bit more slowly. You decided to cut down the number of messages you are sending him.

Now, you pass the test because you have been practising acceptance.

The Next Skill You Should Focus On – Communication

I know Communication is not a sexy word. In fact, it sounds really boring and cliche.

It is definitely not as exciting as the secret psychological tactics you can use to get your ex back.

But let’s face it. Ineffective communication is probably the number one reason for breaking up. So if communication is not an important skill to focus on, then what else is?

Yes, there may be 1001 reasons for breaking up. Yes, everyone’s situation is unique. But if you really take the time to analyze your situation, you can probably trace it back to a communication problem.

Here is a typical example which is very common:

She is staying together with her boyfriend but she seldom get to see him because he spends a lot of time at work.

Obviously, she wanted him to spend more time with her. Therefore, she asked him to spend less time at work in order to have work life balance.

He started working less and spending more time with his buddies.

Did he listen to her?

Yes!

Did she get what she wanted?

No!

Why?

Communication problem.

She didn’t tell him exactly what she wanted. She didn’t tell him exactly what she meant by work life balance. Eventually, her resentment for her boyfriend grows. Eventually, that resentment explodes into a big argument followed by a break up.

On the surface, the break up is caused by that big argument. But the root cause of the break up is ineffective communication.

So what should she say to her boyfriend instead?

Should she just tell him that she wants him to spend more time with her?

Well, that is a bit better than simply telling him about work life balance and expecting him to figure out what work life balance really means. But it is still not specific enough.

A much better approach is to simply tell him that she would appreciates if he can spend a weekday evening together every week.

Be Clear About What You Want

This is a basic principle in effective communication.

In order to get what you want, don’t just tell people what you don’t want. You need to tell them exactly what you want. Be specific, just like the example above.

Don’t just tell your boyfriend not to spend so much time at work. Don’t just tell him to spend more time with you. Be more specific about what spending more time really mean.

After all, most people won’t have the skills to read your mind.

It is just like in a restaurant. If you just tell the waiter that you don’t want salad, it is only going to guarantee that you won’t get salad. But you are probably not going to get the food you really want.

If you can’t tell people exactly what you want, then a possible reason is because you are not exactly clear about what you want.

If that is the case, take some time to think about what you really want before making a request.

What If The Main Cause of Your Breakup Is Not Communication?

I understand that not all breakups are caused by ineffective communication. Even if that is the case, I will still strongly encourage you to work on your communication skills.

After all, I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from better communication.

By working on yourself in this area, you are not just helping yourself in your romantic relationship and increasing your chance to get your ex back. Your non-romantic relationships will also improve.

How To Improve Your Communication Skill?

One way to get started is to read some good books and start practising what you learned in real life.

There are so many books written on this topic of communication alone. So obviously, there is no space for me to share everything I know in just one article. And this article is already getting very long but I still have a lot of information to share with you here.

If you are interested to take your communication skill to the next level, you may want to check out this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

Although this book is not specifically about getting your ex back or saving a relationship, I believe you will gain a lot of insight about why you were not getting through to your ex with your previous communication approaches.

You can read the reviews of this book at Amazon here.

If you are interested to learn how to improve your communication with the opposite gender, you can check out Conversation Chemistry by Mirabelle Summers.

The Number One Equation For Getting Your Ex Back

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, there is only one equation you need to remember.

It is a very simple equation.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

The fact that you have broken up means the current relationship dynamics is not working. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need a “different” and obviously “better” relationship dynamics.

So how do you change the relationship dynamics?

Well, by changing the left hand side of the equation.

Obviously, your have no control over “Your Ex”. You can only control the “You” part of the equation.

In other words, you need to work on yourself! That is why I spent a good portion of this article talking about awareness, acceptance and communication.

When you get serious and start working on these important relationship skills on a daily basis and make them a part of your life, it is IMPOSSIBLE for the relationship dynamics to stay the same.

There Are Consequences For Ignoring This Equation

Let’s take a look at the equation again.

Your Ex + You = Relationship Dynamics

You can certainly ignore the equation and choose to skip the important step of “You” (real internal transformation) and try to get your ex back immediately.

Just be aware that there are consequences for doing so.

Here is a very typical example of an on again, off again relationship:

Let say your ex boyfriend suddenly decided to breakup with you.

So you started reacting on autopilot (due to lack of awareness and acceptance). You begged and pleaded for another chance, promising that you will change.

It worked for the first time. Your ex boyfriend decided to give the relationship another try.

Guess what happen next? Your ex boyfriend realized that the “Relationship Dynamics” is still the same. Nothing has changed. It shouldn’t be surprising. After all, “You” didn’t change.

So he decided to break up with you again.

Once again, you are back to autopilot mode. You begged and pleaded again.

Maybe he will decide to get back together with you the second time. But I believe you can already see how this relationship is going to turn out.

Most likely, it is going to end up in another break up because “You” still haven’t change. And this time round, your ex boyfriend has enough of you.

This Equation Is Applicable To Every Breakup Situation

Your situation may not be the same as the example above but it doesn’t matter.

The equation is still very relevant to your situation. I do not know of any relationship that will not benefit from a better version of “You”.

In fact, I want to introduce another component to this equation.

Your Ex + You + Time = Relationship Dynamics

Yes, that’s right!

Please take your time to get your ex back.

Very often, I see people just can’t wait to get back together with their ex.

I am here to tell you to:

Sloooooooooooooooowwwwwww doooooooooooooowwwwwwwn!

There is no point of getting back together when the “You” part of the equation is still the same. It is just going to lead to another breakup.

You need time for real internal transformation. That is not going to happen overnight.

You need time to date your ex instead of getting back together immediately. That gives you the chance to change the relationship dynamics.

Your ex needs time to see that you have really changed. You ex needs time to decide whether it is a good idea to get back together with you. You want that to be his idea so that he will be more committed to the relationship.

A Very Brief Overview of What You Learned In This Article

The infographic below gives you a very brief overview of what you learned in this article. After all, there are so much information in this article that I can’t squeeze every single detail into one diagram.

So if you haven’t read this article and is just scrolling through this page, I will encourage you to read this article carefully and you are going to learn something new.

If you have already read the entire article, then the diagram below may give you a quick recap of some of the key ideas you have learned so far.

If you like the information on this article, then sign up for my newsletter below. I have a lot more information to share with you in my newsletter that will give you a better chance to win your ex back.