What to Do When Your Ex Boyfriend Wants to Be Friends

Well, it depends on what you want.

From my experience, most women who are asking this question still want their boyfriend back.

So this article will be focused on that.

This Is Not For Everyone!

Let’s face it. It is not easy to be friends with an ex.

This is a very painful situation to be in, especially if you still want him back.

Only those with a certain level of emotional strength and maturity can pull this off. You should only proceed if you know you can handle the emotional turmoil inside of you and you are absolutely sure that he is the one for you.

You must also accept the fact that even if you do everything right and tried your best, he may not want to come back.

Do you think you can handle that?

What If It Is Too Hard For You?

If you are still extremely emotional, forcing yourself to stay friends with your ex will probably do more harm than good.

If that is the case, it may be better for you to cut off contact for a while and allow yourself to heal from the breakup first.

In most cases, you don’t have to worry too much about rejecting the friendship. I am assuming that your ex boyfriend is a relatively reasonable and understanding guy.

If you just honestly tell him that you need a bit of time to heal from the breakup and can’t be friends with him for the time being, he should be able to understand.

It is not like if you say you can’t be friends with him, then you can’t contact him in one to two months time. So you don’t have to worry.

In fact, you don’t even have to say “can’t be friends with him”. Just say you need some space and he will understand.

However, once you are in control of your emotions and are ready to get in touch with him, you will have to accept the friendship if that is what he wants for the time being.

If you really want to get your boyfriend back, accepting the friendship will give you a chance to show him
that you have really changed and the relationship is going to be better.

Of course, proving to him that you are different is going to take time. You can’t just go up to your ex and tell him that you’ve changed or you are willing to change. I am pretty sure some of you have tried doing so without any success.

That is because action speaks louder than words. Your words don’t mean anything to him. He needs to see with his own eyes that you have really changed before he will even consider taking you back.

Anything That Is Worth Achieving Is Usually Not Easy

No pain no gain! I hope you don’t see it as I am trying to torture you.

I am just trying to be realistic here. Yes, not accepting the friendship is the easier thing to do. But very often, it doesn’t help you get back together with your ex boyfriend.

We shall look at an example here.

Let say your ex breaks up with you because of cultural differences, how is no contact going to help you get him back?

Do you think he is going to change his mind suddenly just because you stop contacting him? He may miss you a little bit here and there but that doesn’t mean he wants you back.

Put it this way. There are successful cross cultural marriages in the world. If he tells you he doesn’t want to marry you because of cultural differences, it simply means he is not crazy enough about you to want to even consider cross cultural marriage.

But if for some reasons, you just feel that he is the one for you, staying friends with him might be your only hope to make him fall deeply in love with you again, such that cultural differences is no longer an issue.

How To Get Your Ex Back If He Wants To Be Friends

When your ex just wants to be friends, it is not necessary a bad thing. The fact that your boyfriend still wants to be friends means he still wants you in his life.

If you play your cards right, it is possible to make him fall in love with you again. After all, he has loved you in the past. Therefore, he can love you again in the future.

The key to doing so is to get rid of the negative emotions between the two of you so that the love can flow again. In order to do that, you should accept the friendship.

Respect Your Ex’s Boundary

It is important to remember that you are just friends now. Therefore, it is important to respect the boundary of your ex.

Don’t expect him to meet up with you or contact you as often as when you were still together. If he does, good for you. If he doesn’t, be okay with that. That is why acceptance is important like what I mentioned in this article.

It is normal if he doesn’t want to meet you as often in the beginning. As long as you are able to make the best out of every meeting and improve your emotional connection with him, eventually he will want to meet you more often. Until then, be patient.

Important! Don’t Panic

I just want to mention this because I have received the same question so many times. Most probably, you will encounter the same situation too. So I thought it is a good idea to address the question here.

After being friends with your ex for a while and you are slowly starting to see progress, you will find your ex starting to take the initiative to contact you. Of course, when that happens, many women are very happy and full of hope.

Then suddenly, your ex stop contacting you. Many women will start to panic and lose hope when this happens.

“Oh no, what happen? I didn’t do anything wrong? I wasn’t needy or anything. Why did he stop calling?”

Hey ladies, I am here to tell you, “Don’t Worry!”

This is very normal. You have to remember this. You are not the only one who has emotions. Don’t forget that your ex is a human being too.

As much as you are anxious, he is probably as anxious as you. Maybe a part of him wants to get back together with you. Another part of him is not so sure because he is afraid to get back into the same old relationship.

That is why he is confused and anxious. Therefore, he stopped contacting you.

In fact, if you encounter this situation, you are probably in Stage 3 of getting your ex back. You can sign up for my newsletter below if you want to learn more about the various stages of getting your ex back.

You will receive this information on Day 11 of my newsletter. When you have a solid understanding of the various stages of getting your ex back, you will know what to do and what not to do during each stage. This will help you avoid a lot of unnecessary mistakes.

You Probably Did Nothing Wrong

Don’t automatically assume that you have done something wrong. Most probably, it has got to do with your ex’s emotional state, which you have no control over.

But you do have control over your own emotional state. So stay calm and don’t panic.

Of course, there is also the possibility that he just happen to be busy. That is why he stop contacting you for a while.

Remember, he is no longer your boyfriend at this moment. So he has no obligation to tell you what he is busy with.

Anyway, the main point I want to drive across to you is that your ex may suddenly stop contacting you for any number of reasons.

If there is one ability you need to cultivate in order to increase your chances of getting your ex back, it is the ability to look at things as they are without attaching your own meaning to them.

Don’t just let your negative thoughts take over and assume that you have done something wrong. Don’t just jump to conclusion.

Why It Is Important To Learn To Look At Things As They Are

First, let me explain what is looking at things as they are.

When your ex didn’t contact you, it simply means your ex didn’t contact you.

That is called looking at the situation as it is.

When you start to worry that you have done something wrong, that’s called attaching your own meaning to the situation.

Obviously, when you operate from that frame of mind, you are going to panic.

When you panic, you will not know what to do.

On the other hand, when you learn to look at the situation as it is, you can be more calm and relaxed.

When you are calm and relaxed, you can entertain more possibilities and thus come up with a better solution.

Instead of letting fear control you, now you are operating out of empathy and curiosity.

For example, when you are afraid that you have done something wrong, you are totally stuck. You don’t even dare to contact him if he doesn’t contact you again. Obviously, that is not going to help you get your ex back.

On the other hand, when you learn to look at the situation as it is, you are not hold back by fear or some arbitrary rules.

Say he contact you on Day 1 to Day 4 but didn’t do so on Day 5 to Day 7. Which rule say you can’t contact him on Day 8?

Maybe you can send a simple text message like, “Hey, I just watch Avengers. It’s a great movie. I believed you will like it too.” Then maybe he will reply you, both of you will start talking again and you will realize that your fear is unfounded.

Keep Your Emotions In Check

How well you manage your emotions during this period is going to determine your chances of getting your ex back.

I know this may sound a little bit counter intuitive to you but it is the truth. The more you can treat your ex like a friend, the more likely you are going to get him back.

In other words, you need to place his needs above yours. Respect his wish to be friends and put your desire to get him back on hold.

In a way, you can consider this as a form of true love. If you truly love and care about a person, you will not insist on getting back together when he isn’t emotionally ready to make the decision yet.

If every time you contact your ex boyfriend, your main focus is about how to get him back, without caring about how he really feels, he will be able to sense it and start resisting you.

Now, I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it is easy. Not everyone can do it. You really need to have a certain level of emotional maturity. More importantly, you need to truly care about the well being of your ex.

When you are able to do so, your ex will definitely appreciate it. Your friendship with your ex will deepen and there is a good chance that he will fall in love with you again.

Don’t Fall Into The Friend Zone

Yes, I mentioned above that the more you treat your ex boyfriend like a friend, the more likely you can win him back. However, that doesn’t mean you should let yourself fall into the friend zone.

For example, if you are simply meeting your ex for dinner every single time, then your relationship is unlikely to progress. Remember, you want to gradually make him fall in love with you again. Therefore, once both of you are comfortable with each other again, you might want to invite him for other activities such as hiking, having a roller coaster ride or even volunteer work at another country.

Sports or any activities that make you sweat provide great opportunities for you to rekindle the love with your ex. For example, when your ex is sweating, you can wipe the sweat off him, which is what couples often do. And don’t be afraid to flirt with him if the situation is right.

The keyword here is “gradually”. Obviously, you don’t try to plan an overseas trip for the first meeting after the breakup. You don’t try to flirt too much initially. You have an advantage here. You know your ex best if you have been dating him for at least a few months. You know what he enjoys doing. Therefore, you will know what activities to plan.

Learn To Have Fun and Enjoy Your Time With Your Ex

Being friends with your ex doesn’t always have to be a miserable experience, unless you decided to look at it that way.

It can be very fun and enjoyable as long as you are not too attached to the outcome of getting back together.

As much as you want to get your ex back, the more attached you are to the outcome, the less likely you are to be in the present moment. You will lose a lot of opportunities to connect with your ex on a deep emotional level which means you are less likely to get your ex back.

On the other hand, when you are not so attached to the outcome, you can be more present in your interaction with your ex because you are more relaxed.

Look at it this way. You are now dating your ex again. You are now getting to know your ex all over again. Maybe you will discover something new about your ex that you didn’t know in the past.

Shouldn’t that be an exciting and fun experience? When you can view being friends with your ex with this mindset, your ex will be influenced by you as well.

They are more likely to consider getting back together with you if they associate being together with you as “fun” and “exciting”.

You also have the chance to break old habits that caused your breakup in the first place and replace them with new, healthy habits.

This will ensure that you get back together on a solid foundation.

Know What You Are Getting Yourself Into

As much as possible, I try to be positive and encouraging because I understand how important hope is.

Without hope, people won’t even bother to try and get their ex back even if it is possible in the first place. Sometimes, all of us do need a little bit of encouragement.

That is why I always like to tell people that it is possible to get an ex back, which is true.

There are couples who do get back together in the most unlikely situation and become more loving than ever after resolving their differences.

There are also people who got their ex back even though their ex just want to be friends.

That is why if you are trying to get your ex back, you will do better if you approach it with an optimistic attitude.

It is also important to understand that it takes time.

It can take at least a few months to turn your ex from friends to lovers. I am not saying that everyone will take a few months. Some may do it faster while others will take longer.

But it is a good idea to be prepared so that you will not give up in the first few weeks.

I realized that a lot of people tend to give up too soon if they started with the wrong expectation, thinking that it will be easy.

Therefore, I would rather let you know what to expect so that you can be more patient and persistent.

When It Is Time To Move On

While it is good to be persistent, you should also know when to cut your losses.

Put it this way, if after one year, you are not seeing a progress in the relationship, it is probably time for you to move on.

Do take note. I am not telling you to try for one year. Ultimately, you are the one who decide how long you want to try. You will have to look at your own situation to decide.

I would say give it at least a few months. Of course, there are always exception. For example, if your ex makes it very clear to you that it is impossible between the two of you repeatedly, then it is a sign for you to move on.

The keyword here is “repeatedly”. Don’t just give up because he says it once or twice. You need to look at the situation.

Maybe the break up was really nasty and he is still very hurt. That is why he is very resistant to the idea of getting back together with you, at least for the time being.

Or maybe you haven’t really changed for the better and he noticed it. He hasn’t got the chance to see a better and improved version of you yet because you are still the same old you. That is why he is not considering taking you back anytime soon.

If that is the case, you should definitely start working on yourself. Start practising the skills I mentioned in this article today. The sooner you start, the sooner your ex boyfriend can see the changes in you and consider a relationship with you again.

Don’t Be Friends With Benefits

This is worth mentioning.

It is one thing to be friends with your ex but it is an entirely different matter when it comes to friends with benefits.

Being friends with benefits is not going to help you get your ex back and may even make the situation worse. So just don’t do it!

In fact, I have written an article about why it is not a good idea to sleep with your ex here.

And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter below. I am going to share with you my best information on how to get your ex back there.

If you want to successfully turn your ex boyfriend from friend to boyfriend again, you will definitely need the information that I am going to share with you in my newsletter.

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Older Comments

JCC

Hi Mark,

I really like what you have written, very authentic and genuine unlike a lot of other websites I’ve come across. I don’t like playing mind games because I know that will never work long term when it comes to love and relationships.
Here’s my story. Bf of one year wanted to break up because he no longer wants to be in a long term relationship. He did want long term when we first met as we both fell at first sight and were crazy about each other. Our relationship went downhill after many fights and drama (mostly instigated by me because of my controlling and jealous tendency) to the point that he has lost a lot of feelings for me (loss of emotional attraction). There’s still chemistry and we still like spending time with each other but I kept pushing him away by acting emotional and controlling towards him especially after he said he doesn’t want long term any more. When I act calm and balanced I feel his feelings for me can grow as there was a period of time things did get better when I really tried to work on my issues. Unfortunately before we had more time to rekindle our connection I found out he’s moving overseas for a job and will be gone in 2 months. I reacted badly to this and harassed him for weeks. Now I’ve realized by acting this way I only pushed him further away and he said all our intense conversation made him more sure why he does not want a long term relationship because it’s hard work and draining. He wants to be friends after he’s gone. I do hope there is a chance that we can be back together but I am not sure if I can handle long distance if our relationship is this strained. I really love this man and he has a heart of gold and has always been respectful towards me throughout our relationship. I think it’s pretty easy for him to move on when he’s in a new city and everything will be so exciting. I need your advice please.

Mark

I think right now you want to focus fully on yourself first. Because I can see you are in reaction mode right now. Bringing yourself in front of him in this mode is just going to push him further away.

I know you are worried that when he moves overseas, he can easily move on. But the fact is, you have no control over him. The time you spend worrying about him is time you can spend working on yourself, developing the skills I mentioned in this article.

Focus on what you can control now, which is yourself. Practise staying in the present moment. When you are more in control of yourself, you can reach out to him again. I know long distance is going to be hard. A lot of times, I get questions about how to show that they have changed over long distance.

Well, put it this way. If you spend enough time on inner work and really work on developing awareness, acceptance, calmness and brushing up your communication skills, it will naturally show in the way you communicate with him, even over long distance.

So I think you shouldn’t worry about how to show him that you have changed over long distance right now. (I believe this is one of the things you are worried about.) Work on yourself first. One step at a time.

JCC

Things to add to my last post. I mentioned we had a blissful period (1.5 month) with reduced drama and fights our connection did improve but unfortunately that did not change his mind about us as circumstances in his life made him very stressed out and he said he just did not want the burden of a relationship and he wants a new beginning by moving to another country. Of course I didn’t help by acting all emotional again so I am back to square 1. Well given we only have about 2 months together I am running out of ideas.

Mark

As I mentioned earlier, one step at a time. Work on becoming your best self first and see whether there is any improvement. Put it this way, when you have truly become the best version of yourself and you still can’t win him back, then maybe it is time for you to think whether it is worth it to put in more effort in this relationship.

maria b

Hi Mark,
My ex and I were only together for a few months but he recently ended things because we won’t be able to see each other for awhile (trips and school) and his last girlfriend cheated on him when he went away on a trip and is scared of getting hurt. I understand his feelings although I wish he trusted me enough to know I would never do that, and we have slowly started talking again. We have discussed meeting for coffee when he gets back and talking about things and I’m just not sure what the right words to say are to get him back (I’m worried he’ll want go in this friend approach). I really like the guy and I have never felt this connection with someone before. When we were together everything was totally fine(no warning signs), in fact I felt so confident about myself with him. Any insights? Thank you

Mark

The connection is a lot more important than the status of your relationship. If your emotional connection with him is really strong, a relationship will happen eventually. So don’t worry about him just wanting to be friends with you.

Being friends with him gives you the opportunity to strengthen your emotional connection with him. Once your emotional connection with him is strong enough, he will naturally consider getting back together with you again.

Audrey

Hi Mark, Really love your articles and videos and hoping you can help. My boyfriend of 7 months and I ‘officially broke up mid July and he said that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship at the moment and saw us more as best friends and to just leave it at that and keep hanging out. Things didn’t really change much for about a month after that as terms of endearments and constant contact continued and then all of a sudden, almost overnight he started putting distance, reaching out less, not returning calls without explaining why, refraining from commenting on all posts/pics on my social media etc…. As things stand I haven’t seen him in almost three months. Every time I’ve brought up meeting up for lunch or something he comes up with an excuse. We keep in touch messaging sometimes and phone calls here and there, most of which are initiated by me with him responding. It’s been confusing especially since he was the one who said we should be friends, “good friends”. We didn’t break up for any particular reason except for what i believe was me getting to close and it scaring him. He was the pursuer from the very beginning, for months he was the one interested and it’s like i met him where he was emotionally and ultimately he panicked. All i know is right now it doesn’t feel like we’re friends, it feels like I’m barely an acquaintance and that doesn’t feel good to me. What kind of a friend is someone when you can’t ever see them in person? It’s like he just doesn’t want to be around me in person. Obviously I can’t control his current reactions,choices and/or emotional state. What would you suggest is the best thing to do? I don’t want to enable being taken for granted or giving the feeling that a lack of care/interest in me is something I’m ok with. I probably should have implemented the no contact rule months ago but i didn’t and not sure if it’s too late to come back from this all. Is it possible and how can I ultimately get him back? Thanks for any advice.

Mark

You are right. You have no control over his current reactions, choices and emotional states.

However, current is not equal future. Just because he doesn’t want to meet you now doesn’t mean he will refuse to meet you forever. So you can always reach out to him again in a few weeks or few months.

Since he has already refused to meet you for a few times, I will suggest that you wait for at least a month or two or maybe even longer before you try again. A few weeks might be too soon because his resistance towards you seem to be pretty high. So you want to give it some time for the resistance to fall before contacting him again.

Meanwhile, there are things you can do.

First, you can do a bit of self reflection. Have you actually done anything unknowingly while you were hanging out that suddenly push him away.

For example, did you actually try to get back together with him while hanging out? Are you too impatient? I will suggest that you sign up for my newsletter. On around day 11, you will receive an email about the 5 stages of getting your ex back. This information is very important. A lot of people push their ex away unknowingly because they are not aware of these 5 stages.

Next, you should also work on the skills I mentioned in this article during the no contact period.

For some strange reasons, a lot of people seem to think that no contact is a miracle pill. Somehow, they think that after no contact, their ex will automatically want to get back together with them.

I hope you don’t fall for that kind of thinking. That is called wishful thinking.

No contact alone is not going to help you get your ex back. It is the skills that you developed during no contact that is going to help you get your ex back. Just read this article.

So to answer your last question. Is it too late? Is it possible to get him back?

Well, no one can give you a guaranteed answer. The article on this website and as well as the information I provided in my newsletter is simply to help you maximize your chances of getting your ex back. I don’t know you and I don’t know how much effort you are willing to put in in order to get your ex back.

So a large part of whether you can ultimately get him back is dependent on you. I have subscribers who are seeing progress in their relationship by following the recommendation in my newsletter because they are proactive. On the other hand, there are also people who are not seeing progress because they are too passive and are waiting for things to happen.

Of course, there are also relationship that can’t be saved even though you have already tried your best. You will never know until you try. At least, when you have tried your best but still can’t get your ex back, you can let go of the relationship without any regrets.

Audrey

Thanks so much for responding and giving your advise Mark. I’ve never been in a situation like this so it is all new territory for me.
I’ve done alot of self-reflection for the last couple months and there’s nothing I can think of I unknowingly did except for continue to demonstrate a high level of care for him which perhaps I should have dialed down once he had made his decision. In hindsight I think I could have felt overwhelming at times. Perhaps he thinks if he spends time with me he’ll feel guilty of how he handled it/me. I don’t know, at this point everything feels like the wrong thing to do. I miss him and find it hard not reaching out at all. As things stand, the most I’ve gone without contacting him is 3 days and then I start to get scared when i’ve heard nothing and I reach out. He responds every time but once again it’s me always initiating. Also i’m worried that if now after I maintained contact for months after the breakup, I stop reaching out/contacting him ‘out of the blue’, he may think i’m playing games or something. Should I not worry about that and just initiate the period of ‘no contact’? I know he still cares for me, to what extent i don’t know, either way for his own reasons he has decided to build up a wall. The truth is i’m willing to put whatever effort is needed to get him back. I’m in love with him and to me he’s worth the effort.

Do you have anything else you’d like to add advise wise? I have already signed up for your newsletter and will keep a special look out for the newsletter on day 11. Thanks again, your insight and advice means more than you know.

Mark

The way you reach out to him is going to make a whole lot of difference. To a large extent, your emotional state is going to influence the quality of your interaction with him.

If you are just reacting and contacting him because of your fear, do you think that is going to make him feel good or do you think that is going to push him further away? So don’t sabotage yourself by reaching out to him every few days. With your current emotional state, the more you reach out to him, the more you make him feel bad.

Really make sure you heal first and is in a positive state of mind before you reach out to him again. I think you may be over analyzing too much. How would you know he is going to think you are playing mind games? It is just your assumption. Don’t worry about that.

Miss LDR

Greetings from Philippines!
The NC rule worked for me yet my ex chatting me like formal.
We are 3 years in LDR, Europe and Asia. Last month he wanted to break up with me saying he is tired of me. He visits me every 6 months for a month. I feel that he genuinely loves me. He is 3 years younger than me, and he wanted to enjoy his life and travel.
We are break up for 2 weeks now. I applied NC a after he blocked me anywhere nd he texted me after 3 days, but just formal text. Now we are exchanging chats, I tried to be a little sweet but he just reply with a smiley. I want to talk why he came back and if he wants our relationshp back but I am afraid that it might push him away.
I would be so thankful of your help.
God bless the team!

Sara

Hi. I am wondering are there situations where there is no chance to get a ex back. My ex said that he “can’t do a relationship right now” and that he needs to concentrate on work and staying in the country (he’s been dealing with the stress of visa renewal and trying to get his green card through work). We dated for about 5-6 months exclusively and the entire time he had to travel for work. He hates his job but bc of the type of visa he has he is unable to change jobs at this time. He had a few times said that he was feeling overwhelmed and lost. I gave him my support of he wanted it and told him I would be there for him if needed/wanted. When he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now he said he wanted me in his life I said thank you for being honest and I hope it all works out for you. He said then responded with I don’t want to not see you again to which I didn’t reply. I was upset and implemented no contact and deleted him from FB (I didn’t want to see him or be able to see his pictures – I know myself and it would have made the very difficult for me to move on). The next day I sent him an email asking for my keys back. He responded “ok. And you took me off Facebook” to which I responded “I just need time to heal”. I didn’t hear from him. After a few days I responded to his text about not, not seeing him again. I said “Hey, that was nice of you to say you don’t want to not see me again. I would love to catch up with you again sometime in the future. However, right now, I am still hurt about us and how things transpired. I promise I will get back to you once I feel better. I am also sorry about unfriending you on Facebook. That wasn’t the best way to react and I hope that you’ll accept my friend request in the future.”

He never responded to that. I am asking for space so I guess he’s giving it to me. But going back to my question. In a situation where nothing in the relationship was wrong except the fact that he’s not ready for a relationship right now (maybe it was just an excuse to get rid of me) is there even a point in thinking that at the end of NC (assuming I still want him in my life) I have a chance.

Mark

I am sure you have heard of similar stories before. Like a couple really love each other, but due to circumstances or wrong timing, didn’t stay together. Then decades later, they meet again, still in love with each other and get married.

Of course, this is an extreme example. You probably have no intention to wait for him for decades. I am simply using this example to illustrate a point. That there is always a chance to save a relationship, no matter how unlikely it seems. Sometimes, you just happen to meet the right person at the wrong timing. If you still want him back after you have healed, what is stopping you from going after what you want? If you don’t give it a shot, you will never know the outcome.

Destiny

How to get the my ex to fall in love again and want a relationship ? We broke up for no reason he just said the relationship got old and that he don’t want a relationship right now so please help what should I do? He even said he not in love with me anymore

Destiny

And at first it was supposed to be a break but he wanted us to end so I don’t know what to do cuss he don’t even think about me anymore even though I think about him when I wake up and go to bed I still have feelings for him and when I tell him he only say okay and not yet etc . What guy doesn’t want a relationship he don’t even call me his girl anymore he said he see me as a friend because he lost the feeling and all he does is hang with friends or worry about his car when we do hang out he give me a time to come and it be for about 2 hours

Mark

It is impossible for me to tell you everything you need to do in order to get your ex back within a few sentences. So I will just give you sort of a big picture so that you know what to focus on.

He decided to breakup with you due to the loss of feelings. So the key to saving your relationship is to get the feelings back. How do you do so? By focusing on the emotional connection.

This is a skill that can be learned. In fact, you need to learn several skills. I explained in a lot more details in this article. You can read it for more information.

Also, you need to have a realistic expectation. Saving a relationship is going to take time. It doesn’t happen within a few days or even a few weeks. Most likely, it is going to take months. After all, it does take time for you to learn new skills and transform yourself.

Nouha

I love each single piece of advice you offer. I am one of your fans from Tunisia. My ex broke up with me two weeks ago telling me that he thinks that the problem is in him. He found out that the problem is in him. He doesn’t like to be in a long-term relationship and he doesn’t want to marry. Our relationship is a long distance relationship. We’ve been great together for about 4 years. He came to me, to my country and we enjoyed our time together. H tried to settle down in my country so that to live close to me and to be forever with me, but as the conditions here didn’t suit him and he faced so many difficultie, he decided to go back to his country. Then, after that, negative thoughts started invading his mind and he started doubting our being together,a s distant lovers, as the situation seemed so complicated for him to solve. And, he decided to break up with me. He called this Tuesday and said : I love you so much. I adore you,Nouha. You’re a flower. You did many great things with me that I will never forget and I can never pay you back. You’re a wonderful part of my life. You are a wonderful lady.Unfortunately though, we can’t be together for I don’t really want to marry. I am a lonely guy. That’s who I am. Moreover, I slept with a lady, I was drunk, but, I had no feelings for her. I didn’t even have reactions. Forgive me, please and move on.” I love him from the bottom of my heart and I see him as my husband. I want to get him back and get him to commit and marry me. Unforyunately, I can’t pay for your programme, for I have no credit card, and I am financing my masters studies. I hope you can help me and tell me what I should do. I would be forever grateful.
Looking forward to hearing from you VERY SOON.

Mark

You can check your email. I just sent you a list of free resources that may be helpful to you. You may also want to read this article. Many people have told me that is the best get your ex back article they have ever read.

jami

Hi,I’m 26 years old, I have been dating a 45 year old guy for 5 months and he was always keep saying I don’t want gf but we had sex and finally one night he messaged me that he met someone else and dumped me , after all I got hurt I was close to commit suicide after 3 months I saw him at the Tim Horton’s and I ignored him and left there, he messaged me again and said:what I did was for your best , I said that bcuz that was the only way I could keep u away from myself and he said I’m single, and since I love him so much I started talking to him , he was flirting on his text messages and asked me yo go for a coffee with him I said I’ll let him know and a day after i asked him if we can hangout he said he is busy blah blah … And said I’ll let u know tomorrow but he never did, so at night I messaged him and asked him if he regretted by messaging me again ..he said why would u say that,i want to be friend with u, since he knows I love him why would message me again and tell me he is single and flirt with me on his messages and ask for sexy pic of me …..and suddenly say i want to be your friend ??? I told him I like u and still I like u, he said as before I said I’m too old for u and don’t want relationship with anyone …. He made me so confuse ..once he is back and started flirting and now he says let’s be friends , I don’t get it ….am I crazy or he is? I do not know what is going on now.

Mark

Hi Jami,

Usually, I will encourage people to try their best to save their relationship. However, your situation is different. Technically speaking, he is not your ex. You have never been in a proper relationship with him.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but is probably what you need to hear. You need to let go of him as soon as possible.

He has already told you upfront for 5 whole months that he doesn’t want a girlfriend but you chose to ignore what he told you. You refuse to accept the truth. You have allowed your emotions to cloud your logic.

There is nothing confusing here. It is extremely clear that he is not right man for you. He doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. He is just stringing you along. So it is up to you to find the courage to let go of the relationship. Cut him out of your life so that you can start healing.

You deserve a better man who will treasure you and be willing to commit to you. You are still young and have a lot of opportunities to meet someone who is more suitable for you.

Tatiana

Hey Mark!

So I have been dating my bf for 3 months (Dane), and he broke up with me. And I have been still liking him for a little and someone asked me out while I still liked him so I thought it was a good idea so I can get my mind off of Dane then 2 weeks later I realized that I still liked Dane so I broke up with my bf and trying to see what Dane thinks of me and where our relationship is headed, but he just said that we should be friends and he isn’t ready for a relationship yet (that’s the reason he broke up with me but he thought he wasn’t good enough for me but he didn’t listen) anyways idk if he likes me or not but he told my friend that he just wants me to be happy but told them not to tell me but I think that’s weird. So after a month (when we broke up) I asked him if he wants to hang out at the movies and he said I think so being very clear about how its not a date, not romantic or sweet, which I thought was weird. And he also told me that he wants to invite friends like 6 or 7 which kinda makes me sad but it was going to be just him and I but I didn’t want him to know that. But idk how to get him back and I would really like to be back together with him so idk what to do. I honesty think he doesn’t know how to handle a relationship and he doesn’t know what to do but anyway how do I get him back? THANKS SO MUCH

Joanne

Hi. my ex broke up with me 9 months ago. During those 9 months we argued. I was hurt, he told me that he doesn’t like nothing about me and that we can never be together again, we could only be friends but when we first broke up he told me that maybe we can be together in the future. During the 9 months I know pushed him too far as I was in reaction mode, this weekend he stopped talking to me but by monday he started to send one or two messages. I feel bit calmer now but still worried as I don’t know what to talk to him about, I have tried to talk to him about the things he likes but he replies with closed answers. Please help me.

Mark

Don’t worry too much about what he says to you. You don’t have to take what he says too literally. You may want to watch this video that talks about context vs content. People can say all kinds of things when they are emotional. If you are able to change his emotions towards you, he will be open to getting back together with you again.

With that said, you can’t change someone’s emotions towards you if you are still emotional and in reaction mode yourself. Instead, you will have the tendency to do the wrong things and make the situation worse. Therefore, what you should do now is not to try to get your ex to talk to you. You should never try to get your ex back without healing and transforming yourself first. Otherwise, even if you manage to get back together with him, the relationship won’t be healthy and is unlikely to last because the same problems that cause the breakup is still there. Instead, you may want to follow the suggestion in this article.

Jessica

Hello me and my ex been broken up 7 months. He said he would like to be friends. I want to be his girlfriend, not just friend. Should I be friend and show him I change since breakup. I been working on me and not always saying what I want and thinking of him and his feelings. I said I accept your friendship. Did I do bad. We spoke a little. I did the 30 day no contact but don’t think work.

Mark

Have you truly changed? It is very important to understand the difference between “truly changed” and “thinking that you have changed”. You may want to read this article “How to Show Your Ex That You Have Changed” to learn more.

It is impossible to show him you have changed if you haven’t truly changed. Put it this way, if he can’t see your changes, then maybe you haven’t really changed as much as you think. It is also important to have a realistic expectation. Even if you have really transform yourself, it is going to take time for him to believe that your changes are for real. So you need to be patient.

There is nothing wrong being friends with your ex. It is more about how you carry yourself. If you are simply using friendship as a crutch or a backdoor to get back together with him, then it is not going to work. On the other hand, if you have truly changed, being friends with your ex gives you a good reason to be in close contact with him. This gives you the opportunity to show him that you are now a better person.

It is also important to understand that no contact is not a magic pill. If you do nothing constructive during no contact, you can do so for 300 days and it is not going to make any difference.

I suggest you read this article to learn how to use no contact properly.

Caity

Hi Mark,
My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue while he was overseas over a month ago. I’ve had difficulties in comprehending what went wrong because the last time i saw him before he left for the month long trip he said he was ‘the luckiest guy on earth’ because I was his. The first week of him being away was good (we had a convo at least once a day and we continued to say ‘I love you’,etc). One day he turns cold and distant and then that night he breaks up with me. We talked it out and agreed to go onto a break until he got back. The day he got back he broke up with me despite still telling me he loves me. He was crying as much as I was and it really seemed like something he didn’t want to do. The next day he comes back over and takes me out to coffee (it was very awkward). For the following two weeks we continued to talk and said ‘i miss you’. He had a counselling session because at the time he could not provide me a reason as to why he had to break up with me. After that he gave me a reason which was really insignificant and downright stupid. He said we should have some space but within the same sentence said ‘But i’ll still talk to you and ask you how you are and how i am. I’ll tell you all about basketball’. He wants to stay friends because i am ‘really important to him’ and also ‘because of what we had’ (that makes no sense to me because how can he say he wants me in his life because of that yet not want that). After I saw him that day he sent me many messages basically giving me a play-by-play which i all mostly ignored. The next day I called him and said i needed to have complete space from him because i was/ am so hurt and i was unable to heal. I told him just for a couple weeks which is almost up. I love this guy with all of my heart and i know that he loves me which is why this whole breakup is so confusing. I want to try to be friends with him but ultimately i just want him back again. Based off all that i’ve told you am I in with a chance? Thanks

Talia

Hi Mark,

My ex said he still wants to be friends because he cares about me. I am getting over a mental illness right now and that’s the main issue why we broke up, he couldn’t handle being around me. I caused a lot of stress in the relationship. However I am getting better and turning my life around, and he knows it, but the other day when I tried to talk about us seeing each other again he said he made a firm decision and wants to slowly talk to me less… He eventually doesn’t want me in his life he said. It’s a tough situation because I lived with him and most of my things are still at his place… The plan was that I only move out and back in with my parents to get better and now it seems like the world is falling down on me. He has changed the plan and acting like he is the one who needs his life back. Is there any hope at all? Or once a guy has said something like that is it pretty definite that he wants out for good? I’m crushed to be honest because we shared so much together and I know he loved me, it’s just my mental illness that got in the way and he saw me to often stressed. What can I do? He’s a nice person with a good heart so I am also often scared that he is just being nice when he talks to me but lately he has been a little aggressive and now saying he wants less contact.

Sami

My ex and I have been friends for 3 years, and were dating for 8 months.
We had your average fights, but we always make up and work things out. We managed to get through our fighting and everything was golden, then all of the sudden he said he wanted to break up, but still stay best friends. Because he still cares for me a lot, but just lost the romantic feelings. He loves me as a person, and a best friend.
We still talk, and I told him I didn’t want to talk for a bit, and at first he would ignore that, or say things like “I still want to talk to you tho” and finally he told me “okay. If that’s what you want. But I’ll always be right here when you’re ready to come back.”
He said he wasn’t ready for a long term relationship, and with his feelings fading he didn’t think it would be right to keep me in that, knowing how I feel for him.
Is there an chance at us getting back together? Or am I going to have to settle being his friend?

Mark

The fact that he is going back and forth means he is confused. But it is pretty clear he still wants you in his life.

The key to getting back together is to learn new relationship skills in order to connect with him on a deeper emotional level so that he start seeing you as a romantic partner again.

For a big picture overview of what to do, you can read this article “What It Really Takes To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back“.

Victoria

Hi Mark,

Me and my ex were together for 4 amazing years. He told me I’m the best gf he’s ever had and I’m the only one he ever thought about having children with. We lived together for 2 years. I had been struggling with work/life and live had gotten in the way of our romance. Things got a bit boring and mundane for the last few months. Then he’d been acting distant then suddenly one day he told me he didn’t see it working long term and that the spark is gone. I am heartbroken obviously. Genuinly thought we’d never break up. So I moved out straight away and gave him space and barely contacted. He then get annoyed at me for not contacting him and being distant and wanted us to talk about things. Then he insisted that he wants me in his life but not in a romantic way right now. I asked him if it’s a break and he says he doesn’t know. He says he wants me to have fun and for there to be less pressure. It’s so hard being friends with him cause I love him so much. He’s so nice to me and tells me I’m mean so much more than his previous exes. I’m going to try your method of seeing it as dating again when we hang out as friends. I’m just scared that he will think we’re better off as friends. Help!

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