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What to Do When Your Ex Boyfriend Wants to Be Friends

Well, it depends on what you want.

From my experience, most women who are asking this question still want their boyfriend back.

So this article will be focused on that.

 

This Is Not For Everyone!

Let’s face it. It is not easy to be friends with an ex.

This is a very painful situation to be in, especially if you still want him back.

Only those with a certain level of emotional strength and maturity can pull this off. You should only proceed if you know you can handle the emotional turmoil inside of you and you are absolutely sure that he is the one for you.

You must also accept the fact that even if you do everything right and tried your best, he may not want to come back.

Do you think you can handle that?

 

What If It Is Too Hard For You?

If you are still extremely emotional, forcing yourself to stay friends with your ex will probably do more harm than good.

If that is the case, it may be better for you to cut off contact for a while and allow yourself to heal from the breakup first.

In most cases, you don’t have to worry too much about rejecting the friendship. I am assuming that your ex boyfriend is a relatively reasonable and understanding guy.

If you just honestly tell him that you need a bit of time to heal from the breakup and can’t be friends with him for the time being, he should be able to understand.

It is not like if you say you can’t be friends with him, then you can’t contact him in one to two months time. So you don’t have to worry.

In fact, you don’t even have to say “can’t be friends with him”. Just say you need some space and he will understand.

However, once you are in control of your emotions and are ready to get in touch with him, you will have to accept the friendship if that is what he wants for the time being.

If you really want to get your boyfriend back, accepting the friendship will give you a chance to show him
that you have really changed and the relationship is going to be better.

Of course, proving to him that you are different is going to take time. You can’t just go up to your ex and tell him that you’ve changed or you are willing to change. I am pretty sure some of you have tried doing so without any success.

That is because action speaks louder than words. Your words don’t mean anything to him. He needs to see with his own eyes that you have really changed before he will even consider taking you back.

 

Anything That Is Worth Achieving Is Usually Not Easy

No pain no gain! I hope you don’t see it as I am trying to torture you.

I am just trying to be realistic here. Yes, not accepting the friendship is the easier thing to do. But very often, it doesn’t help you get back together with your ex boyfriend.

We shall look at an example here.

Let say your ex breaks up  with you because of cultural differences, how is no contact going to help you get him back?

Do you think he is going to change his mind suddenly just because you stop contacting him? He may miss you a little bit here and there but that doesn’t mean he wants you back.

Put it this way. There are successful cross cultural marriages in the world. If he tells you he doesn’t want to marry you because of cultural differences, it simply means he is not crazy enough about you to want to even consider cross cultural marriage.

But if for some reasons, you just feel that he is the one for you, staying friends with him might be your only hope to make him fall deeply in love with you again, such that cultural differences is no longer an issue.

 

How To Get Your Ex Back If He Wants To Be Friends

When your ex just wants to be friends, it is not necessary a bad thing. The fact that your boyfriend still wants to be friends means he still wants you in his life.

If you play your cards right, it is possible to make him fall in love with you again. After all, he has loved you in the past. Therefore, he can love you again in the future.

The key to doing so is to get rid of the negative emotions between the two of you so that the love can flow again. In order to do that, you should accept the friendship.

 

Respect Your Ex’s Boundary

It is important to remember that you are just friends now. Therefore, it is important to respect the boundary of your ex.

Don’t expect him to meet up with you or contact you as often as when you were still together. If he does, good for you. If he doesn’t, be okay with that. That is why acceptance is important like what I mentioned in this article.

It is normal if he doesn’t want to meet you as often in the beginning. As long as you are able to make the best out of every meeting and improve your emotional connection with him, eventually he will want to meet you more often. Until then, be patient.

 

Important! Don’t Panic

I just want to mention this because I have received the same question so many times. Most probably, you will encounter the same situation too. So I thought it is a good idea to address the question here.

After being friends with your ex for a while and you are slowly starting to see progress, you will find your ex starting to take the initiative to contact you. Of course, when that happens, many women are very happy and full of hope.

Then suddenly, your ex stop contacting you. Many women will start to panic and lose hope when this happens.

“Oh no, what happen? I didn’t do anything wrong? I wasn’t needy or anything. Why did he stop calling?”

Hey ladies, I am here to tell you, “Don’t Worry!”

This is very normal. You have to remember this. You are not the only one who has emotions. Don’t forget that your ex is a human being too.

As much as you are anxious, he is probably as anxious as you. Maybe a part of him wants to get back together with you. Another part of him is not so sure because he is afraid to get back into the same old relationship.

That is why he is confused and anxious. Therefore, he stopped contacting you.

In fact, if you encounter this situation, you are probably in Stage 3 of getting your ex back. You can sign up for my newsletter below if you want to learn more about the various stages of getting your ex back.

You will receive this information on Day 11 of my newsletter. When you have a solid understanding of the various stages of getting your ex back, you will know what to do and what not to do during each stage. This will help you avoid a lot of unnecessary mistakes.

 

You Probably Did Nothing Wrong

Don’t automatically assume that you have done something wrong. Most probably, it has got to do with your ex’s emotional state, which you have no control over.

But you do have control over your own emotional state. So stay calm and don’t panic.

Of course, there is also the possibility that he just happen to be busy. That is why he stop contacting you for a while.

Remember, he is no longer your boyfriend at this moment. So he has no obligation to tell you what he is busy with.

Anyway, the main point I want to drive across to you is that your ex may suddenly stop contacting you for any number of reasons.

If there is one ability you need to cultivate in order to increase your chances of getting your ex back, it is the ability to look at things as they are without attaching your own meaning to them.

Don’t just let your negative thoughts take over and assume that you have done something wrong. Don’t just jump to conclusion.

 

Why It Is Important To Learn To Look At Things As They Are

First, let me explain what is looking at things as they are.

When your ex didn’t contact you, it simply means your ex didn’t contact you.

That is called looking at the situation as it is.

When you start to worry that you have done something wrong, that’s called attaching your own meaning to the situation.

Obviously, when you operate from that frame of mind, you are going to panic.

When you panic, you will not know what to do.

On the other hand, when you learn to look at the situation as it is, you can be more calm and relaxed.

When you are calm and relaxed, you can entertain more possibilities and thus come up with a better solution.

Instead of letting fear control you, now you are operating out of empathy and curiosity.

For example, when you are afraid that you have done something wrong, you are totally stuck. You don’t even dare to contact him if he doesn’t contact you again. Obviously, that is not going to help you get your ex back.

On the other hand, when you learn to look at the situation as it is, you are not hold back by fear or some arbitrary rules.

Say he contact you on Day 1 to Day 4 but didn’t do so on Day 5 to Day 7. Which rule say you can’t contact him on Day 8?

Maybe you can send a simple text message like, “Hey, I just watch Avengers. It’s a great movie. I believed you will like it too.” Then maybe he will reply you, both of you will start talking again and you will realize that your fear is unfounded.

 

Keep Your Emotions In Check

How well you manage your emotions during this period is going to determine your chances of getting your ex back.

I know this may sound a little bit counter intuitive to you but it is the truth. The more you can treat your ex like a friend, the more likely you are going to get him back.

In other words, you need to place his needs above yours. Respect his wish to be friends and put your desire to get him back on hold.

In a way, you can consider this as a form of true love. If you truly love and care about a person, you will not insist on getting back together when he isn’t emotionally ready to make the decision yet.

If every time you contact your ex boyfriend, your main focus is about how to get him back, without caring about how he really feels, he will be able to sense it and start resisting you.

Now, I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it is easy. Not everyone can do it. You really need to have a certain level of emotional maturity. More importantly, you need to truly care about the well being of your ex.

When you are able to do so, your ex will definitely appreciate it. Your friendship with your ex will deepen and there is a good chance that he will fall in love with you again.

 

Don’t Fall Into The Friend Zone

Yes, I mentioned above that the more you treat your ex boyfriend like a friend, the more likely you can win him back. However, that doesn’t mean you should let yourself fall into the friend zone.

For example, if you are simply meeting your ex for dinner every single time, then your relationship is unlikely to progress. Remember, you want to gradually make him fall in love with you again. Therefore, once both of you are comfortable with each other again, you might want to invite him for other activities such as hiking, having a roller coaster ride or even volunteer work at another country.

Sports or any activities that make you sweat provide great opportunities for you to rekindle the love with your ex. For example, when your ex is sweating, you can wipe the sweat off him, which is what couples often do. And don’t be afraid to flirt with him if the situation is right.

The keyword here is “gradually”. Obviously, you don’t try to plan an overseas trip for the first meeting after the breakup. You don’t try to flirt too much initially. You have an advantage here. You know your ex best if you have been dating him for at least a few months. You know what he enjoys doing. Therefore, you will know what activities to plan.

 

Learn To Have Fun and Enjoy Your Time With Your Ex

Being friends with your ex doesn’t always have to be a miserable experience, unless you decided to look at it that way.

It can be very fun and enjoyable as long as you are not too attached to the outcome of getting back together.

As much as you want to get your ex back, the more attached you are to the outcome, the less likely you are to be in the present moment. You will lose a lot of opportunities to connect with your ex on a deep emotional level which means you are less likely to get your ex back.

On the other hand, when you are not so attached to the outcome, you can be more present in your interaction with your ex because you are more relaxed.

Look at it this way. You are now dating your ex again. You are now getting to know your ex all over again. Maybe you will discover something new about your ex that you didn’t know in the past.

Shouldn’t that be an exciting and fun experience? When you can view being friends with your ex with this mindset, your ex will be influenced by you as well.

They are more likely to consider getting back together with you if they associate being together with you as “fun” and “exciting”.

You also have the chance to break old habits that caused your breakup in the first place and replace them with new, healthy habits.

This will ensure that you get back together on a solid foundation.

 

Know What You Are Getting Yourself Into

As much as possible, I try to be positive and encouraging because I understand how important hope is.

Without hope, people won’t even bother to try and get their ex back even if it is possible in the first place. Sometimes, all of us do need a little bit of encouragement.

That is why I always like to tell people that it is possible to get an ex back, which is true.

There are couples who do get back together in the most unlikely situation and become more loving than ever after resolving their differences.

There are also people who got their ex back even though their ex just want to be friends.

That is why if you are trying to get your ex back, you will do better if you approach it with an optimistic attitude.

It is also important to understand that it takes time.

It can take at least a few months to turn your ex from friends to lovers. I am not saying that everyone will take a few months. Some may do it faster while others will take longer.

But it is a good idea to be prepared so that you will not give up in the first few weeks.

I realized that a lot of people tend to give up too soon if they started with the wrong expectation, thinking that it will be easy.

Therefore, I would rather let you know what to expect so that you can be more patient and persistent.

 

When It Is Time To Move On

While it is good to be persistent, you should also know when to cut your losses.

Put it this way, if after one year, you are not seeing a progress in the relationship, it is probably time for you to move on.

Do take note. I am not telling you to try for one year. Ultimately, you are the one who decide how long you want to try. You will have to look at your own situation to decide.

I would say give it at least a few months. Of course, there are always exception. For example, if your ex makes it very clear to you that it is impossible between the two of you repeatedly, then it is a sign for you to move on.

The keyword here is “repeatedly”. Don’t just give up because he says it once or twice. You need to look at the situation.

Maybe the break up was really nasty and he is still very hurt. That is why he is very resistant to the idea of getting back together with you, at least for the time being.

Or maybe you haven’t really changed for the better and he noticed it. He hasn’t got the chance to see a better and improved version of you yet because you are still the same old you. That is why he is not considering taking you back anytime soon.

If that is the case, you should definitely start working on yourself. Start practising the skills I mentioned in this article today. The sooner you start, the sooner your ex boyfriend can see the changes in you and consider a relationship with you again.

 

Don’t Be Friends With Benefits

This is worth mentioning.

It is one thing to be friends with your ex but it is an entirely different matter when it comes to friends with benefits.

Being friends with benefits is not going to help you get your ex back and may even make the situation worse. So just don’t do it!

In fact, I have written an article about why it is not a good idea to sleep with your ex here.

And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter below. I am going to share with you my best information on how to get your ex back there.

If you want to successfully turn your ex boyfriend from friend to boyfriend again, you will definitely need the information that I am going to share with you in my newsletter.

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Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 164 comments
Katie

Hi, I just want to have a man’s opinion. Do you think it is a good idea for a woman to remain as friends with her ex boyfriend?

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Katie,

    It depends on what you really want. Do you really want to be just friends with your ex without any further expectation? If this is what you are looking for, then go ahead.

    However, I am going to make an assumption here. The fact that you are asking this question means you actually want to be his girlfriend again, not just a normal friend.

    Well, I am not going to say that it is impossible to get him back eventually by being friends. After all, there are women who have done it. But it is definitely not easy and there is no guarantee that he will get back into a relationship with you just because you stay as friends with him.

    Also, it is going to hurt if you do want to get back together with him. Can you bear the pain? This is something you have to ask yourself. At the end of the day, you have to make this decision for yourself.

    Reply
Nicole

I wouldn’t encourage anyone to be friends with their ex. It simply hurts and you won’t be able to get your ex back anyway.

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Nicole, I agree it can be painful. But I won’t say it is impossible to get an ex back by being friends. There are people who do. Personally, I won’t encourage it as well because it is simply too painful. But at the end of the day, it is all a matter of personal choice.

    Reply
michelle

I have been in a LDR with my ex for two years. The first year was fine. We always made an effort to contact each other and talk to each other. But things started going downhill in the second year. He sent me a message telling me that he is tired of LDR and wanted to break up with me. But he says we can still be friends. Do I still have a chance to get him back?

Reply
    Mark

    Long distance relationship is usually much harder to maintain. It is hard for me to say whether you still have a chance since I do not know your boyfriend.

    Sometimes, guys do not tell the real reason why they are breaking up. He says he is tired of LDR. Is it his real reason for breaking up? Or is it because he is facing other problems?

    This is something you want to find out. The good thing is he has not cut off all contact with you. Since he is still willing to be friends with you, you should be able to contact him and find out more.

    Reply
Megan

Hiya, I need some help.
Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 2 years, he broke up with me just over a week ago. I know the reasons why. But he as recently said that we can be friends and see where it goes?
But he has also said that he does not care about me anymore? Is there any chance we could get back together?

Reply
    Mark

    Too little information for me to tell. Why did he breakup?

    Reply
      Megan

      I recently found out that I have a health problem and I haven’t been myself since I found out. But mainly because he lied to me the once about who he was with and went behind my back and went out partying with one of my friends, and from then on I didn’t really trust him as much as I did before. We had lots of arguments over it, and she was telling me she was with him all the time, and because he was never with me when she was saying these things, I didn’t know if she was stirring things or not. I asked him and he said no he wasn’t hanging round with her and we were fine. But recently we argued most of the time we were together. But I had been feeling insecure about the situation.

      Reply
        Mark

        Is he aware of your health problem?

        If he knows and still does things behind your back, that doesn’t seem like a good sign to me.

        Instead of asking about the chance of getting back together, maybe you want to ask whether the relationship is worth saving in the first place?

        You should give yourself some time and space to heal first. When you are less emotional, you can think more clearly.

        Reply
Sophie

Hi, 5 months ago my ex broke up with me through LDR, we were together for about a year. 4 weeks after breaking up he asked me if I was ok with him going on a date with my best friend (they are good friends, its how I met him) and had said they were going to dinner and he wanted to change it to a date. I said I wasn’t ok with it and got very upset, my best friend was also angry with him, I ended up blocking him on fb, and saying I couldn’t handle him. he made things confusing and didn’t even know if he liked my friend. I unblocked him when I got home.
Ive seen him twice 3 months ago with groups of friends, the first time round he tried to get my attention but why talk to someone who hadn’t apologised for what they did, I couldn’t give him attention it was too hard. the second time round he was awkward around me.
Last week he messaged me, I didn’t reply and then he messaged a second time round the next day, he didn’t want me to ignore him. he tried to flirt with me over messenger and I explained why I wasn’t talkative. he claimed that I had misunderstood what he was asking me about my friend, that she was only there as a friend through our break up and all he wanted to know was that whether the event occurred that they got together would I be ok with it (which wasn’t the case he wanted to date my friend, she wasn’t interested), he also said he heard my friends saying that I wanted to talk to him. the last time I said this was 2 months ago. he also mention “even if don’t get back together I would still like to be friends”, I said to him that “you should have known better than to think id be ok with it, people don’t try to date their ex’s best friend, and I don’t want to get back together” his reply was “so in other words you hate me?”, he ended up giving me a sincere apology for what he had done and then he started asking me who else I was talking too.
I’m very confused as to what he wants, his message was very out of the blue, but from my view and also my cousin’s view (same age and gender as my ex) is that he tried to see if I would get back with him and he seemed desperate, he messaged me multiple times when I wouldn’t reply for several hours. I would like to know your opinion on this, I don’t want to get my hopes up and I don’t want to get pulled into his confusion again or commitment issues.
thanks, sorry its long.

Reply
    Mark

    There are 2 possibilities here:

    1) He Really Have The Intention To Date Your Best Friend

    If that is the case, he is probably not worth your time. Just move on.

    2) He Is Just Trying To Make You Jealous

    Maybe he realized that he made a mistake breaking up with you. So he wanted to get back together but didn’t know how to do it the right way. He may have gotten some bad “get your ex back” advice to make you jealous. So he decided to tell you that he is going to date your best friend.

    If that is the case, he is still “forgivable”, so to speak. I am not saying that he has done nothing wrong. Just that when someone is emotional and desperate, they can do all kinds of stupid things. Hopefully, he has realized his mistakes.

    I am not sure which category your ex belongs to. I don’t know your ex personally so I don’t think it is appropriate for me to judge him. You probably know him better since you have been with him for one year.

    You are confused probably because a part of you still hope to get back together with him.

    On one hand, you don’t want to ignore him completely because you are afraid that you will lose him forever.

    On the other hand, you are not sure whether to get back together with him because you feel like you don’t know him.

    If that is the case, I suggest that you contact your ex and talk things out once you are ready to do so. (when you are no longer so angry or emotional)

    If you are not ready to meet him yet, just let him know. Ask him to give you time and space so that you can work on yourself and think things through. Give him a time. Can be anywhere from one to four weeks. This is up to you. If a few days is enough, that is fine too.

    Tell him that you will contact him once you are ready. This will also give you time to reflect on the relationship

    Right now, I can see that you are still angry with him. Whether you want to move on or get back together, you need to release the anger and learn to forgive.

    Reply
Jennifer

I need advice:

So, its been a month and a half since my ex and I broke up and its been very painful. We had a rough patch when he became a police officer. We recently talked in person and he said he is trying to find himself and he will always be there if I needed him. He then goes on to say he will still with me to our previous planned concert events coming up and said he would go with me to my sisters wedding (he brought this up on his own). He was very touchy feely during our conversation but then the next day he just said he had to be alone to figure out whats best for him. WHAT is going on????? What should I do?? I love him and I do want to be with him. I am 7 years older than him and he’s only 24 so I understand his need to figure out his life but why is that worth losing me?

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Jennifer,

    It must be very tough for you.

    Just want to clarify a few things first. Did he actually mention the word “break up” or is it your assumption?

    Sometimes, when a guy says he needs to be alone, it may just mean he needs space for the time being. It doesn’t necessary mean he wants to break up although there is this possibility.

    Did anything happen in between?

    For example, when he said “he is trying to find himself and he will always be there if you needed him”, did you suddenly go into panic mode and started questioning him or contacting him more often? Because doing so may cause him to think about ending the relationship when he didn’t have the intention in the first place.

    When was the last time you have any contact with him?

    Reply
Amber

Hello,
My ex and I had dated for almost 3 years before we broke up. In my case, it first started off as a break and then I broke up with him (we ended in good terms). After a while of NC, I texted him and asked him if he wants to hang out and so we did the next day. I asked him if he wanted to get back together with me but he said he just wanted to remain friends because we’re too young to make a serious commitment in our relationship marriage wise and he felt we were too attached. Half of me wants to move on and the other half still wants him back. I don’t know if it’ll work being his friend considering that I still do have romantic feelings for him. Why do you think he still wants to be my friend and do you think I should try to be his friend to see where it goes?
Thanks!

Reply
    Mark

    It is hard for me to tell based on this little information.

    It can mean different things.

    Maybe he really just wants to be friends. Considering that both of you ended in good terms, there is no reason for him to lose a friend.

    Perhaps he still care about you and still has feelings for you but just don’t want to be in a relationship at this moment.

    Since both of you ended in good terms and have a break prior to that, I suppose both of you have a good talk about the break up?

    What is his main reason for breaking up?

    Reply
      Amber

      The main reason that caused the break up was because I was insecure. When he wanted to go on a break I obviously agreed to it because I wanted to try and work things out. Well, a few days after (while were still having a break) he told my friend at his job (She catered there on Tuesdays) that he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to get back together with me because of my insecurity issues. When my friend told me that he said that, she advised me to break up with him to avoid him stringing me along. I haven’t spoken to him for eighteen days now (I’m doing another NC for a month) and I have improved my self esteem now. I just don’t know if I can endure being his friend if he doesn’t want a relationship at the moment. Any ideas? And thank you for your help so far!

      Reply
Dolcevita

Would like to hear your thoughts on my situation.

I dated a guy last summer for a couple of months, I really liked him and we got on really well. Unfortunately things didn’t work out he said he didn’t want a long term relationship. So we stopped dating, he did say he’d like to stay friends. I just wanted to move on. For the last year he’s been in contact on and off, only via txt and always sends the same ‘how are you’ message, I do reply and we chat a bit, but it never goes anywhere. Last time this happened I firmly told him not to contact me again as I really didn’t want to be friends. In the last couple of weeks he accepted a really old friend request from me, which got sent in error when I updated to FB messenger. I knew he got it as he contacted me when he got it back in June. I told him to ignore it as it wasn’t intentionally (was a genuine error on my part). I saw he now has a new girlfriend, which I’m fine about. But don’t understand why he is persistent in wanting to stay friends, after all this time. I haven’t seen him since last August.
Finding it all a bit weird. Be interested in a male perspective.
Thanks

Reply
    Mark

    I see two possibilities here.

    First, he really just want to be friends. Maybe he really like you as a person. Therefore, even though you can’t be together, he still want to keep the friendship.

    Second, he is thinking of getting back together with you, maybe “sometime in the future” when he is ready to get into a long term relationship. That is why he is still keeping in touch with you.

    Reply
Ech

Hye i need a man’s view in this situation, i have been in LDR for about 6month, and we break up due to lack of trust plus insecurity issues. And he’s not trying hard to get me back after a break up. After almost 2 months we break up, he coming back to me asking can we be friend? he also meet my parents and leave good impression. i can see he’s trying. We just having a very deep conversation. He brings back about past and his hope about future. He tells me that why he’s not trying hard to get me back because he lacks of confident, nothing to give me as warranty that he’s a better person for me. Still got no stable salary, tho its stable job but the salary is still not good enough to buy a house. He asked me to move on, and if i found someone better then him, good enough salary, very stable, got a house and also if i also like him. He asked me not to wait for him. But if one day, everything already stable, he gets what he wants especially financial, and if that time i’m still single, he wants to marry me. What should i do? FYI i never asked him to get a better salary, or house or anything. And also i’ll be the first person he finds after gets what he wants which is a stability.

Reply
    Mark

    I can understand where he is coming from.

    He seems to be the type of person who will not consider marriage unless he is financially stable or at least has the confidence that he will make it in the future.

    It doesn’t matter whether you ask him to get a better salary or not. This is the way he thinks.

    Sure, there are people who say that you do not need to be financially stable before getting married. But this is not how he thinks. And I can tell you that it is very difficult to change how a person think.

    My advice to you is to listen to him, which is to move on.

    I know you may want to wait for him to become successful but you never know how long it is going to take. The fact that he lacks confidence makes the situation worse. A person cannot be successful without confidence. Therefore, he may take forever to achieve success unless he started to become more confident about himself.

    Unless you are willing to wait indefinitely, don’t get back into a relationship with him right now. He is just not ready to commit.

    If you do get back together with him, at the initial stage, everything may seem to be fine.

    But over time, you will start to feel insecure again and may even resent him.

    If both of you are agreeable, you can stay as friends. But don’t close your door to other potential suitors.

    If he does make it financially in the future and you are still single, then you can consider a relationship with him again.

    Reply
Baylee

Hello,

Three days ago, my boyfriend ended our relationship, but it was on good terms. He didn’t initially say that we were “breaking up”, but instead substituted it with “I think we need a little time apart” to which I replied, “what made you draw these conclusions?” Honestly he said it was because I relied far too much on him, and he gave the reasons for why he wanted to end the relationship. Since it was being too taxing to handle, along with my lack of confidence and insecurities (my poor self-esteem, not trust issues). Furthermore, he said that I needed to work on myself and grow.

I can’t blame him for his reasoning, and I humbly agree. Both of agreed that we needed some time away from each other. However, he said that he still likes me, but he lost his love for me a few days before the break-up. Along with saying that we need to step back from relationship, and need time to figure it out between us.

To add further substance to the issue, we’re both in a LDR, and have been dating for 9 months, with about 3 months prior as friends, before dating. We primarily communicate through Skype instant messages, calls, and webcam. Though, instead of a call/webcam, he used text o break up, and when I asked why, it was because it would be worse for me to hear him say it.

All in all, here we are now, we both agreed not to contact each other for a while, until we let the break up pains subside to allow for proper friendship. His own words that he doesn’t mind talking to me still, just that he wants to take a step back from the relationship. Not our friendship.

I’m wondering what your impression is, and if it would be possible to get back with him in the future? We connected on a deep level, because we both had the same interests, hobbies, and personality. I still deeply love him, but right now, talking to him is simply too painful, but he understands, and is okay with not contacting for a while.

Reply
    Mark

    The possibility of getting back together is there, especially when he doesn’t mind talking to you.

    The key is you need to work on yourself. I know this sound a bit cliche but there is a reason why he break up with you, which he already told you.

    Therefore, there must be a good reason for him to consider getting back together. In other words, you cannot be the same old person if you wish to be together with him again.

    I would advice you to work on your self esteem issue, not for the sake of getting your boyfriend back, but for yourself instead.

    Let go of the relationship but maintain the friendship and when the time is right, you may be together again.

    Reply
Lauren

Hello there:

BF broke up with me and said he just wants to be friends, the possibility of getting back together is there, but he wants to date other girls and just be friends right now. He said he needs a few more weeks of no-contact. But we can start talking again. How do I get him to regain that attraction for me again?

Reply
    Mark

    Let him go.

    He is breaking up with you because he wants to date other girls. That is not acceptable.

    By agreeing with his condition, you have already lost his respect.

    Reply
Roor

I don’t really like the idea of being friends with the ones we loved .. it’s painful and will hurts deeply.. just going away and never contact him will be better..

Reply
    Mark

    I saw your other comment.

    Yes, I know it is painful and it hurts. I just updated this article to take into consideration what you have mentioned.

    Hopefully, that answers your question.

    At the end of the day, your decision will depend on whether you think this relationship is worth pursuing and whether you can handle the pain.

    Reply
      Desall

      I really don’t know what to do Mark..

      I and my bf dated almost 3 years. We work in the same office. One week ago, my ex told me that he has a feeling for someone else at work. I know her as well…

      He told me this before that he would never consider her since she has 2 kids and she sleeps around with different guys…Oh well….he ended up liking her.

      We were so great together and happy. He only has a few friends and has very bad relationship with his family. I was the only one who understands all and he talked about his personal issues. I know all his secrets and stuff. He is a very closed person.

      When he told me that he likes someone else..these are things that he told me.
      He said I mean the whole world to him. He never wants to lose me from his life. He is confused and never thought he would be in a situation like this. He thought about having fam with me and he would be happy in the picture. He cares about me a lot and always have time for me. He will do anything for me and I will be always first before anyone else. He was crying for hours. I never even thought he would be like that.

      After a few days, I found out that they have been hanging out. I don’t even know if he is in a real relationship or in a rebound relationship. At this point, I don’t care.

      I ignored him whole week at work. No Contact after work either.
      Last night, about 10 days after break up, I sent him a text to call me. He called right away.

      We talked how we have been doing..
      He told me he is sincerely sorry for what he has done to me. I asked him if he is happy or happier now. He told me he is not even sure what he is in. He said the new girl is completely different from me and she is alright to hang out with. He told me the whole week that I ignore him, he has not been eating well and not sleeping well. He said he vomited many times (I guess he is stressed) and thinks about me all the time. He said I am in his mind every moment. He said he wanted to talk to me during the week, but he was afraid to upset me even more if he talks to me now. Also, he still care about me and want me to be his friend. He said I am the only one who knows about him and understands him. He still think I am his best friend and feels empty not having me around. He even had dreams about me.

      My heart is telling me that I don’t want to lose him. I don’t even know if I can get back with him or if I even want to. But my heart tells me that I don’t want to lose him as a person. People around me told me don’t even bother to be his friend because he is using the fact that I still love him and care about him.

      I don’t know what to do…
      Why he is trying to keep me in his life? Is it because he wants to feel better for him self for trying to be friend with me? I really don’t know what to do…

      Reply
        Mark

        It is not unusual for a man to have feelings for another woman when he is in a relationship. In fact, it can happen to women too.

        The problem is he actually acted on it. He actually decided to hang out with her even though he knows it is going to hurt you.

        I don’t know your ex personally. So I do not know what kind of person he is. Maybe he is really regretting his action. Maybe he is using you. I do not know.

        Your friends are telling you to ignore him because they are on your side.

        However, I believe a part of you still want him back. And there is a possibility that he you back that is why he wants to remain friends with you.

        Personally, I believe everyone deserves a second chance. However, he has to take responsibility for what he has done.

        You do not know what to do now because you are confused. The thing is, you don’t have to make a decision immediately. Give yourself more time so that you are clearer about what you really want.

        The time can be used for observation. If he continues hanging out with the other woman, you at least know he is not serious about getting back together with you. Then you can decide whether you even want to be friends with him.

        Reply
adri

Hi
My story is with my my first boyfriend. . He was my first everything. we lost contact For about 8 yrs n now he writes to me saying that he misses n reminiscing on what it used to be. The reality is that yes those were good times we were young n innocent but I have no intentions on getting back with him . How can I tell him that without being mean?

Reply
    Mark

    I don’t know the personality of your ex but for most people, no matter what you say or how you say it, it is going to hurt.

    So just tell him the truth sandwiched between compliments.

    Compliment ==> Truth ==> Compliment

    Reply
naazo

me and boyfriend after 3 years relationship broke up almost a year ago and we see each anther every 3 or 4 months for like 2 r 3 hours and i saw him last weekend after 3 months .He was all over me i thought he wants me back but when we left he didn’t text or call me and when i sent him my pic last night to see if he reply so he did only saying its nice but we are friends . what is this mean ? is he moved on ? should expect any hope ? or i shouldn’t coctct him anymore ?? what should i do i love him so much and i want him back.

Reply
    Mark

    What do you usually do when you meet up? Besides seeing each other every 3 to 4 months, do you text each other often? Who is usually the one initiating the contact or the meeting?

    Reply
Daisy

So me and my ex dated for 2 years and he broke up with me because he said he couldn’t make me happy at this point in his life. After that I completely cut off contact with him because he hurt me so bad. I recently moved an hour away from home in a house with my cousins and friends, also my ex is friends with one of the girls I live with.. so he’s been visiting often and he’ll say hi to me and is extra nice to me always offering drinks/food, laughing at things I say, randomly starting convos with me.. And now he’s planning on moving down here too in January. I haven’t actually talked to him about it or know what his feelings are. I’m not too sure how I feel about that and am confused on why he’s been doing all this. I don’t even know if I’d want him back but I just don’t know what his intentions are.. any tips on what I should do?

Reply
    Mark

    Just talk to him about it. No point trying to read his mind. Only he knows his own intention. Maybe the conversation will also help you decide what you want.

    Reply
Sheryl

Hi mark. 3 months ago I got into a relationship with a a guy I knew from church. We instantly clicked and it was as if we were made for eachother he even mentioned I was perfect for him. We were each others bestfriends. Upon him going back to school I noticed an emotional distance.. We talked it out. It didnt really go away though.. So i tried to be supportive and I guess I started to come off as being clingy and too emotional mostly because i didnt want to lose him amongst all Of the struggles I had going on in my life.. He started sort of pulling away. Yesterday morning I was sick of the distance and asked him if he needed space. He told me would talk to me about that later. And yesterday day night he broke with me . He said its not over, I still feel the same about you, and want to continue to talk everyday, andvof course to still hang out and be bestfriends I just don’t know what it is i dont feel like being in a relationship anymore. 40 minutes later he texted me asking what I was doing we had a short convo about school and I ended it short to go sleep. How can we be friends when he told me its not over? What do I do when my bestfriend/exboyfriend is pursuing other girls for fun just because he can now. The idea of being friends, “a fresh start” sounds wonderful but should we give eachother space first? Is it too soon to contact eachother? Shouldnt i give him a little time to miss me? Do you think we will get back together soon?

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Sheryl,

    It must not be easy for you. If he is pursuing other girls, it means he doesn’t really care about your feelings. There is really no point hanging on to this relationship.

    Most guys in high school are just not ready for a serious relationship. It’s only 3 months and he has already lost interest. I can understand that because I was teenager more than 10 years ago. He is a high school kid after all. He just want to have fun and date many different girls.

    Consider letting go. I know it is not easy but if you hold on to it, it is only going to cause you unnecessary heartache.

    Put it this way. Even if you do manage to win him back, what happens when he get into college? It is going to be a whole new experience for him with so many temptations. Most probably, he is going to put the relationship with you aside again at that stage.

    Think about it this way. It is only 3 months. Don’t take this relationship too seriously. Don’t waste more time on this. You are still so young and you have lots of chances to meet a guy who really loves you. Don’t let this guy hold you back. You deserve a guy who loves you and care about your feelings.

    Reply
kittycat

Hey,
My ex and I were dating for almost 8 years when one morning he came to me and told me he felt like we were more friends then bf and gf. I was blindsided by this. He said he’s been thinking about this for a couple of weeks. We did live together as well. I saw him at the store I work at a few days after and told him I missed him and he said he misses me too. I moved some of my stuff but not all of it. About a week later I was getting some more of my stuff and while we were saying good bye, we kissed goodbye three time and I told him I loved him, and in turn he said it back. He also said he didn’t want to date anyone, but is not willing to work on our relationship. He was texting me every couple of days, but they stopped last weekend. My friends tell me I shouldn’t text him to do the no contact thing, but I feel like that is a game. Is there any hope to get him back?

Reply
    kittycat

    I forgot to mention that after he broke up with me he spent two days in bed and was really upset about it.

    Reply
    Mark

    I think no contact is not necessary a bad thing to do for your situation. After all, you have been together for 8 years and you were living together. Maybe the familiarity or the same old routine has caused him to lose romantic interest in the relationship.

    Of course, you don’t have to take no contact to the extreme. Basically, don’t initiate contact. But when he text you, you can reply him and try to keep the reply brief.

    The main purpose of no contact is not to play games with him but rather it is for you to reflect on your relationship. He probably needs the time to figure things out too.

    You may also want to think about whether this relationship is worth saving.

    What is your goal for this relationship? To get married? So after 8 years of relationship, has he ever talked about it? After all, 8 years is a long time and if he never have the intention to get married, then it is something you cannot ignore if marriage is what you want.

    Reply
      kittycat

      I also recently went back to school and dropped back on my hours at my job, and he just had a career change about a year ago. I would love to fix this relationship, we did talk a little bit about marriage, but nothing serious.

      Reply
        Mark

        The thing is he doesn’t want to work on the relationship. So if you want him back, you have to be the one working on it. But is it worth it? In general, are you happy with the relationship?

        Reply
        Cat

        We had a great relationship, we rarely fought, and really enjoyed spending time together.

        Reply
        Mark

        Are you aware of any stress he is facing right now? I am asking this because sometimes people choose to breakup due to stress in other areas of their life. They will think that they can manage the stress better without the relationship even if they are in love with the person they breakup with.

        Reply
        kittycat

        I know the day before we broke up he was doing his resume, because he was thinking about looking for a new job. He wanted more responsibility at his current job and couldn’t get it. He was at a stand still there. Plus I went back to school, and cut my shifts back, so maybe he was worried about money. That’s all I can think of.

        Reply
        Mark

        So you mentioned your ex stop messaging you last weekend. Was he always the one who initiate contact? How was your communication with him all along after the breakup? Cordial? What were the conversation about? How is your emotional state now? Are you stable enough to be in contact with him? Did you do anything desperate like begging or pleading after the breakup?

        Reply
        kittycat

        The day of the break up I pleaded with him, but not anytime after that. When he did text me things were very friendly, some joking around, some of my friends said it some of it looked kind of flirty. At first I was the one who would text him, but I stopped after I read about the no contact thing. He was the one who would text me after I stopped. When the texts completely stopped he came into my work about a week later, and was staring at me from the register. Apparently he was in the day before as well. I did wave at him (not to call him over but to not be rude), and he came over to talk to me, he asked me how things were and we talked for a bout 10-15 minutes. I acted like I was awesome, but inside I was a nervous wreak. He told me that if its ok with me he would like to pack up some of my stuff, I was like yeah sure whatever. I haven’t seen or talked to him since earlier this week. I’m not texting him, but if he does text me I’ll answer, but keep them short like you said.

        Reply
Sharon

Hello, I really hope that you can help me out.

Me and my ex boyfriend were in a relationship for 7 months. He has broken up with me one month ago.. he said that he lost his feelings for the relationship. We were too different from each other and he didn’t feel understood by me. He said that when we were together he was happy, but when he sat alone at home he didn’t had the need to be with me. He said he still loves me very much though. I have not contacted him for 2 weeks after the break-up, but after that I contacted him again, it just felt so wrong not talking to him and I didn’t think that it helped.

I saw him last week for the first time again, he was helping me with math and we played some games on the Wii U.. It felt so good seeing him, it wasn’t awkward for me. But very often when I ask him to meet up, he says that he doesn’t have time, or he doesn’t know if hes to the mood.. and he says ‘we’ll see’.. I don’t know what to do.. We’re friends now I guess.. but I think that he knows that I want more.
I really want him back as my boyfriend.. i love him so much and its so difficult because i really wanna work on it. What should I do now?

Thank you for reading and I hope you can answer me. Greetings from Sharon

Reply
    Mark

    I think you are trying to move too fast. Take it slowly.

    The key is to learn how to look at signals. He has already rejected you a few times. So it is safe to say that he doesn’t want to meet you for now.

    He has told you why he decided to break up with you. He said both of you were different and you didn’t understand him. Do you agree with him? How is your relationship going to be different if you do get back together with him? Have you work on that?

    Because there is no point trying to get him back if the main issue that cause the breakup is not resolved.

    Reply
      Sharon

      Thank you so much for your reply! Yeah.. i dunno.. i think he’s really busy. I’ve been thinking about our relationship and he also said that I seem to irritate him a lot, I now realize I was pushing him away by being too jealous I think. (He also mentioned that) I made a point of almost everything because i was so afraid to loose him. Some of the things were correctly to point him in the right direction but others were pointless and shouldn’t have been said. Ive been thinking about that and now I realize.. but is it too late?

      Reply
        Sharon

        Oh I wanted to add.. he asked me today if he could come to meet me at my place! He had some free time. But I told him that I already had something planned, but I didn’t. I don’t want him to come to me whenever it comes out good for him. Is that bad?

        Reply
        Mark

        Sharon, you said when you ask to meet him, he says he is not free etc.

        And now, he wants to meet you and you say you are not free.

        If this keeps going on, then both of you are not going to meet each other. So how are you going to get back together if this is what you want?

        Playing mind games with each other is not the way.

        Reply
Louisa

Hi, I just read your article and it is one of the best advice blogs I have seen so thank you for that.
However I need help :(

Me and my ex were together for 3 months, we had a great time together, he told me he had fallen for me, and if I am honest I had to, I love him so much.

About 3 weeks ago he ended it, said he wasn’t happy with himself and didn’t want to bring me down.
I decided not to contact him, and I was strong and lasted a whole 3weeks, however 2days ago I got a message saying he misses me, and if he calls me it will just be for some ‘company’

I truly believe we are meant to be together, and I know he loves me, I don’t know why we would want to throw it away. How do I get him back????? I am desperate to just hold him again </3

Thank you,

Louisa

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Louisa,

    It doesn’t seem like a good sign to me. Why does he need to say it will just be for some company? It probably means he wants to hang out with you without being your boyfriend.

    But I don’t want to judge too quickly. If you want, you can meet up with him and see how things go. However, it is probably not a good idea to get back together with him so soon no matter how much you want or even sleep with him. He breakup with you for a reason. And you don’t want to be strung along by him. Basically, don’t let your emotions rule your head.

    Why do you believe that you are meant to be together?

    Reply
      Louisa

      Thanks for replying, well it sounds cliche, but I have this strange feeling, almost like Incan feel what he is feeling as well. He told me he was falling in love with me and was shocked at how strongly he felt towards me in such a short amount of time.
      I think he is scared to fall in too deep, so is running away from his true feelings.

      I guess keep doing the no contact thing?

      Reply
        Louisa

        I can*

        Reply
shez

hi :) hope you can help me, my bf of 4.5yrs broke up with me 2 months ago, afterwards we kept in touch, especially me, i was begging and pleading,trying to make him stay and see how much i love him,he talked about marriage n kids n buying a house together only this year,i tried getting him to remember hes words but he says he wants to be best friends and nothing more, he says he still loves me alot n i will always mean alot to him but he says we are better off as best friends,i told him that i still have very strong feelings towards him n he says he does aswell,i said i might move away and cut all contact and he practically begged me not to go but still says to be best friends :(

Reply
    Mark

    If you cut contact and move away, you may risk losing him forever. What was the reason for breaking up?

    Reply
      shez

      he says we fought alot and i wasnt going out enough n stayed in all the time and it was really great at times but sometimes it got really suffocating,he has since then said he wants to be best friends only,with no intimate things :( he keeps saying there is no hope for us and that if we are to be friends than i have to be ok when he starts seeing someone else which he says will happen in the future, he says he loves me alot and will always care alot for me but just doesnt want to be a couple,i tried telling him that we love each other as much as we do than i dont see why we cant take a shot and it might work but he gets angry whenever i bring it up, so i have stopped saying that,i just dont understand, he does say he is very stubborn so i dont know if he is being stubborn or what :( please help

      Reply
kim alison

Hi mark ! I read your writings and it kinda giving me hope i broke up with my ex a day ago because of wanting him maybe more attention from him and he kinda dont like it he said that im insecured.and the day after he told me us to start all over again and start from being friends .please Mark im desperate u dont want to lost this time i have lost a lot of relationship and i figuring out that is my insecurities is failing me to have in a happy relationship pls advice me what to do,i dont want to lost him i want this man to be my partner for life.

Peasing to hear from you,
KIM

Reply
    Mark

    At least he is willing to start over again as friend. So it is not a bad thing. You already know what to do, which is to work on your own insecurities. So what are you doing about it? Working with a therapist? Meditation or EFT can also help. Basically, he wants to see that you are no longer insecure before he will even consider getting back together with you. When you are actively doing something about it, he will be able to see your effort which makes it more believable. You can’t just tell him that you are no longer insecure.

    Reply
Shae

I was optimistic until i got to the last part :( “For example, if your ex makes it very clear to you that it is impossible between the two of you, then it is a sign for you to move on.” we broke up about 2 weeks ago..he dumped me..but we were friends before so he still wants me in his life…he calls me sleeps on the phone with me..we stil laugh & joke..he says he still loves & cares for me but isn’t in love anymore because i was a “bad gf”…but we are still attracted to each other and we are even going to hang out the weekend…we wanted to have sex again but he said to me he doesn’t want to hurt me & he knows for A FACT he will never want to be in a relationship with me again because i used to hurt his feelings so if i know i want something more it’s a bad idea..and i do so i wont be having sex with him…I was very insecure as a gf & he hated it but i am very willing to change but he says its too late…he made a joke saying in 5 years we can try again….but other than that he has maintained since the break up that though he wants to be friends we will never be anything more.

so is this a lost cause?…if we remain friends but his mind is completely closed off to anything more no matter what I do will just fall short wont it?…will i just end up hurt?

Reply
    Mark

    Let’s put it this way. He won’t want to get back together with you until he can see that you have changed. Until you have really changed, he will assume that you will never change. That is why he says he will never want to be in a relationship with you again.

    Your question is actually quite common. So I will address your question in more details in my ebook which I will give away for free. You can check out the announcement here.

    Reply
FHCalifornia

HI
I got into a relationship with my next door neighbor. We both had moved in to our new places over a year ago. I was married over 2o years and divorced for 3, he had broken up with his ex girlfriend of 3 years (they bought the house together but they broke up after a few months). She was 20 something years younger. He assured me that the relationship was over and wondered why I questioned the commitment part all the time. One thing i remember he told me over and over again “when i felt that I was not lovable, you came into my life and showed me that I am loved, no woman showed me love the way you did, selfless”… When he asked his ex to come and take her personal belongings, they met after a few months and things changed. He told me that he loved me but not in love with me. That he was hurt from the previous relationship. We broke up. and that he had jumped into this relationship without healing. I saw him last night after a week, He is angry at how she left things. He said the relationship is over between them and she has showed no interest in coming back. He says, he still feel love for her but more than anything anger. He needs to go into his man cave and solve it for himself. He does say he does not want to feel this way and this needs to stop and he is hurt on how he hurt me. He misses me and misses my friendship, my kindness, my optimism. He says all his relationships in the past have left him with the feeling of abandonment. He thinks if he does not fall for anyone, no one will leave him. I replied, I am here, I have not left you, your friends have not left you… I did not abondoned you. If you want me to be here, I be here as a friend because when you love someone truly, you give them the love the way they need to receive love. We don’t have to have an intimate relationship and called it no name and see what our faith is. If we are meant to be together we will be, I am a mother of two adult sons. I know how giving is and what it means. I have to mention that his friends all were very happy when I entered into his life and they all supported it. They told me how wrong she was for him and how right someone like me was for him. They were very happy for him. The question is Do I stay as a friend, or do I leave? Would there be a possibility of us to fall in love for the right reasons for him? Should I invest in this? What about if all he sees would be only a friendship? I don’t think I need to reinforce that I want a future with him. I think he knows that. Or am I wrong? should I mention that again?

Reply
    Mark

    I do think he knows. Even if he doesn’t, this is not the best time to talk about it. Right now, he hasn’t gotten over his ex and is still deeply hurt. So it is not a good idea to do anything that will add on to his stress or you may just push him away.

    Whether to stay as friends or not is really dependent on you. I can’t make the decision for you. What I can tell you is this. Sometimes, relationship is about taking risk. Maybe after a few months he will come around. Or maybe he won’t and he will still be stuck in the past. There is no way I can predict the outcome.

    Maybe thinking about these questions can help you make a decision. Do you think he is worth it? Is he someone you would want in your life even if you are not in a relationship? Also, will you regret if you don’t give it a try?

    More importantly, do you have the emotional strength to be friends with him and provide him the support he needs? After all, if you want him back, you have to be the one who is more in control of your emotions. And you may have to put his needs above yours at least for now. (his need to heal over your need to be together, which is why I told you not to talk about the relationship for now)

    I know it sounds tough. Being friends with an ex is never easy. But the reward may be worth it. The thing is, you don’t have to make a hasty decision. You can probably try a few months and see how things go and then decide from there.

    Reply
Emma

Great article. Thanks… I am the one who broke up with him. He didn’t want to end it. At the time I told him I wanted to be friends, and he refused. It was a flat out NO. Then after two weeks of no contact, we resumed with low contact and he acts like just a friend. We’ve been friends now for longer than the relationship itself had lasted. We don’t mention dating other people. Don’t ask don’t tell. He is a good friend, shares details of his life and gives me good advice. I am grateful for his friendship, and I care about him sooo much. I just don’t know if our friendship can continue when one of us gets into a serious relationship with someone else. It’s like a time bomb and I worry. I’ve gotten so used to having him to turn to, I’m afraid to lose him :-(

Reply
    Mark

    So you broke up with him quite a long time ago? Are you thinking of getting back together or still treat him as a friend and nothing more?

    Reply
      Emma

      The relationship was sort of a whirlwind romance that lasted only 4 months. Initially, probably infatuation. Plus it’s long distance, with language barrier to boot. We got together several times, were intimate. Then there was distrust. I was not happy. We fought. At the time I ended it, he kept saying we should take time, give us a chance. It’s been 5 months since break up, during this time we have not seen each other. We talk every couple of days, but not about “us”, not about seeing other people, and we don’t flirt. Getting back together is ok I guess, although there were problems we never addresses. I would be happy with things as they are now… as long as he stays single. Our communication is warm and caring.
      Mark, do you think he will leave me soon?

      Reply
        Mark

        It sounds like you want to get back together with him but somehow afraid that a breakup will happen again.

        What was the distrust about? You don’t trust him or he doesn’t trust you? Why? So that is the problem you never address?

        Reply
        Emma

        He was, IMO, secretive. I asked him certain questions, he would not answer directly. Also he lied about certain things. Small lies, I think he was too afraid of my displeasure and judgement. After being friends for the past months, I gathered he has an oppressive mother. He didn’t betray me, he didn’t need to lie. Anyway, he was really good to me overall.
        I do want him in a relationship IF he could be more open. But I know better than to try and change someone.
        So I am in a friendship, we share warm feelings. But the reasons for the breakup need to be resolved.
        The attraction is still there, I think from both sides. We are still attached, as friends.
        I can imagine him (or me) following your advice, Mark. Good so far. Now we come to a hurdle: We cannot get back together until those issues are resolved. But we won’t be working on the issues unless we’re in a relationship.
        Also, I can’t do LDR. Not being together added to our problems. We can’t get back together unless we can be together (I would need to move). But I’m not gonna move unless we’re in a relationship.
        Sorry it’s so long. This is the only ex I have ever stayed friends with. On the internet, a lot of information on attracting an ex or making contact. But no info on what to do after that, to get back together. How do others do it?Maybe we are simply incompatible as lovers, and should stay friends, but then, can we handle it when we have new bf/gf?

        Reply
        Mark

        I know this may not be the best analogy. But it seems to me like I want to start my own business but I am not going to start until I know I can make one million dollars.

        So will I be able to make one million dollars if I start the business? Well, who knows? But I am 100% certain about one thing. If I don’t get started, I will never make that one million dollars.

        I think to a certain extent, a relationship works the same way. Sometimes, you have to be willing to take risk. Will your relationship work if you give it a try? Who knows? But it is 100% not going to work if you don’t do anything.

        Of course, I am not asking you to jump blindly in. You should really take the time to think about it. Maybe do a cost benefit analysis.

        I know that may not sound romantic. But it is a very practical thing to do.

        Back to the business example. What is the worst thing that can happen if I fail? Well, it depends on the type of business. If it is a restaurant, then I probably have to invest hundred of thousands of dollars and I may lose them all and even get into a huge debt. Can I take it? If not, then I don’t take the risk.

        If it is a online business, say an ecommerce store, I only have to invest at most a few thousand dollars and I know I won’t get into a huge debt even if I fail. Will I be able to stomach the risk? Well, yes. Then I can go ahead and take the risk.

        So it doesn’t hurt to take the time to do a detailed analysis. What is the worse thing that can happen if this relationship fails? Can you learn anything even if it fails? Maybe you will learn some skills that will help you in a future relationship? Can you take it if the relationship fail?

        Also, have you actually talk to him about it? At least, you want to make sure he is on the same page as you. If he isn’t, then you can probably skip the analysis altogether.

        Reply
Vicky

Hi I don’t know where to begin but me and my ex split in August when I was 7months pregnant we met when I was 14 and he was 15 we was together for 8years and have a 2 year old son and 3week old baby now but since we split everything has been so up and down there I’m so in love with him his been talking to other girls and even started dating someone 3weeks after we split I tried doing the whole not contacting him as much unless was about the kids and there was a few times when we got close but when that happened he still kept saying we couldn’t get back together it would never work and he only sees me as a friend but after we had our baby he started becoming all nice and last week I text him out if the blue and told him me and the kids love him and he was what would you say if I said the same so he came round we talked cuddled kissed and watched a film but he was still saying he don’t want anything to happen yet he still needs time to himself then for like 4days after we had cuddles and kisses and was getting on fine and he told me on one of the nights before leaving he loves me then he was like remember were still single but since then he went really weird and quiet on me a couple of days ago we had a long hour and half phone call on the phone found out he was back with this other girl again and that we will never work he never felt anything when we kissed and cuddled but he was the one who always came onto me but he said at this moment he really doesn’t know what he wants anymore he said he wants to change and I was like I thought you might want to change for your family and he was like I can’t answer that but he was saying his glad he kids with me because Ill always be in his life he said he didn’t want to tell me he was seeing this girl again because I stopped talking to him once I found out the first time he was seeing this girl but it hurts me knowing his with someone else I told him I miss and care about him and he said I miss you and care about you to and said that we could be really good friends if I let us because it hurts us not talking after 8years feels like his whole childhood has gone he use to be able to tell me everything but now he feels like can’t he said the split was the best for both of us and it hurts him to see me hurting so much but there’s nothing else he can say or do my family dislike him because of obviously leaving me 7months pregnant with a 2 year old and house to look after and he keeps saying he can’t be with me knowing my family hate him and he keeps telling me about this girl at work who’s after him but she’s too young for him but he said she is attractive but he knows how I feel about him so I don’t know why his telling me whether it’s to make jealous or whether he just don’t care he keeps saying he would be happy to see me with someone else and his said it about three times since we’ve split but he still keeps coming back to me even of haven’t got back together but he knows full well I don’t want anyone but him being friends with him will hurt but I don’t know whether if I accept to be friends whether I will succeed in getting him back while his with someone but he said to me you know I have to have someone there all the time so he always has to be in a relationship we our so close and get on so well whenever were together but only time I do see him is when he comes to see the kids he says he only comes to see the kids but I make it hard if don’t talk to him so my head is all confused I don’t know what to do for the best anymore I need some help please.

Thanks
Vicky

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Vicky, I am sorry to hear what you have been through and I know it is not easy for you. Maybe you want to think about this question. Let’s pretend that you don’t have kids now, you have never been in a relationship, you have never fallen in love and you have never met your ex.

    One day, you meet this guy who is somewhat attractive to you. However, you know that he will abandon you when you are 7 months pregnant. Will you still fall in love with this guy?

    Reply

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