When Should I Break No Contact With My Ex?
I wanted to say I absolutely love this article. It makes perfect sense! I realize it’s important to take things slow when getting my ex back but what would you say is a reasonable time frame? 3 months?
Right after the breakup, I started the no contact rule and it’s day 26. I feel pretty good because of it and I’ve really started to work on myself.
When you said you shouldn’t reach out to your ex until you’ve changed, does that mean I shouldn’t reach out to him in about a week when I’m still not 100% where I want to be? I’d say I’m 70% ready.
Also, he lives 5 hour drive from me so what would be some tips for a long distance breakup?
Thank you so much!
There are 3 main questions you are asking here.
1. How long does it take to get my ex back?
2. When should I reach out to my ex?
3. What are some tips for a long distance relationship?
I think out of these 3 questions, the second question is the most important, so I will spend more time answering it.
But I will still quickly touch on the other two questions.
Let’s start with the first question.
How Long Does It Take to Get My Ex Back?
This topic is actually worth an article by itself. So I will probably write one in the near future. But to give you a quick answer, I would say a realistic time frame is around 5 to 6 months.
How did I arrive at this figure?
Well, based on the success stories I have received from my subscribers so far, like the one you see in the screenshot below. It took Boonyi 6 months and a half to get her ex back.
Does it mean you will also take 5 to 6 months to get your ex boyfriend back?
Well maybe, maybe not.
Some people may take 3 months, some people may take more than 2 years. There are so many factors that can influence the time it takes.
Like I mentioned, I am going to write a longer and more detailed article on this topic, hopefully within the next 2 weeks. So you can come back to this website later if you are interested.
With that said, I think one major factor that will affect how long it takes for you to get your ex back is how you do no contact. So let’s answer the next question.
When Should I Reach Out To My Ex?
I am going to start with an analogy.
Let say one of your goals is to take part in a triathlon. You are not even trying to win. You just want to complete it.
But here’s the problem.
You can barely cycle which means it is going to very dangerous for you to navigate rough and uneven terrain.
You can’t really swim, which means you may actually drown.
You have also been a couch potato for a really long time. So even without cycling and swimming, you are just not fit enough to complete the running part.
So obviously, you shouldn’t be taking part now. Instead, you need to start improving your overall fitness. Most important of all, you need to learn how to cycle and swim.
Do you have to be as fit as a world class athlete before you compete in the triathlon?
Of course not!
However, at the minimum, you need to make sure you are fit enough to complete the whole journey and your cycling and swimming skill is good enough so that you won’t injure yourself or drown.
Getting Your Ex Back Is Like Competing In A Triathlon
There is a very specific reason why I use triathlon as an analogy for getting your ex back instead of just a marathon.
If you want to complete a marathon, you can just focus on your physical fitness and that should be enough. After all, it is just running and you are not even trying to win.
However, physical fitness alone is not enough for a triathlon, for very obvious reasons.
If you can’t cycle, maybe you can still compensate with your physical fitness by carrying the bicycle all the way. But why would you want to torture yourself that way?
If you can’t swim, no amount of physical fitness is going to compensate for it.
A Lot Of People Treat Getting Your Ex Back Like A Marathon
Basically, they just work on healing and doing things they enjoy during no contact.
By the way, I am NOT saying you should not do them. In fact, you should. Healing is very important.
I am just saying that doing those things only is probably not enough.
It is just like a triathlon. Yes, physical fitness is important but it is not enough. You still need to work on your cycling and swimming skill.
So I will suggest that you don’t just work on healing. Yes, your emotional health is very important. However, on top of that, you should also consider learning new relationship skills. Having these skills will help you when you encounter difficult situation with your ex.
Why Did I Spend So Much Time With An Analogy
Perhaps you are wondering why I spend so much time with the analogy. Why don’t I just get straight to the point and just tell you that you need to learn new relationship skills.
Well, I have my reasons for doing so.
You see, when I talk about cycling or swimming, you can easily understand that they are skills that need to be acquired.
You don’t just read an article or watch a video online and suddenly you know how to swim or cycle.
You actually need to spend time on the bicycle and in the pool to pick up those skills. You probably need some guidance as well.
But when it comes to relationship, most people have the tendency to think they can just read an article about relationship skills and then suddenly, they have the skills.
Unfortunately, that is probably not going to happen.
You actually need to spend time honing the skills with real people before you use them on your ex.
So you need to be honest and real with yourself. Have you developed new relationships skills?
Most get your ex back “experts” only teach you to heal and “work on yourself”. Usually, when they say “work on yourself”, they are just talking about doing the things you enjoy, or learning some new skills that doesn’t really help you get your ex back (example: learning a foreign language).
There are very few experts that talk about the importance of learning new relationship skills.
So it is not your fault if you are just focusing on healing and “working on yourself”. But now that you know the importance of these relationship skills, it is time for you to start taking them more seriously.
But What Relationship Skills Should I Learn?
Well, this article is getting pretty long, so I shall not go into details here.
Instead, here are 3 free resources that can help you.
1. You can read this article I have written: What It Really Takes to Get Your Ex Back
In the article, I mentioned a few important skills that you should consider cultivating.
2. My Newsletter
In my newsletter, I try to equip you with the foundational knowledge of getting your ex back within your first 14 days of signing up. I also talked about the important relationship skills from time to time.
3. Newsletter by a Very Knowledgeable Breakup Expert
I have actually studied a lot of materials by many breakup “experts”.
Unfortunately, most of them are quite disappointing. They only cover very surface level, or tactical stuff.
Personally, I am a big believer of “Principles over Tactics.” (I will probably write an article about this topic in the future.)
Principles give you long lasting results. Tactics give you quick results that may or may not last and may actually backfire on you.
He is one of the few experts that teaches sound principles for getting your ex back.
He is also one of the few experts that teaches real relationship skills instead of ninja tactics.
So When Should You Reach Out to Your Ex?
Do you have to wait until you are 100% where you want to be?
In my opinion, I don’t think we will ever be 100% where we want to be.
For example, you will always think you are not 100% ready to start that dream business. With that said, you shouldn’t just quit your job and jump into business without at least six months of savings.
Like what I mentioned above, you don’t have to be as fit as a world class athlete to take part in a triathlon. You just need to be fit enough.
So you need to make sure you are in a good place emotionally before you reach out to your ex.
In addition, it is highly recommended that you have a certain degree of competency in the important relationship skills.
Just like in a triathlon, you don’t have to be a world class swimmer or cyclist. But at least, you do need to have decent swimming and cycling skills.
Any Tips For a Long Distance Relationship?
Well, here are some tips that I hope will be helpful to you.
First, it is worth mentioning that a lot of the things you will learn in the resources I recommended to you above are applicable regardless of the distance. It is all about how you apply them to your situation.
For example, skills such as awareness, acceptance, communication, empathy etc are relevant whether you are talking to each other through text message, the phone, Skype or face to face.
I also understand that meeting each other regularly is a challenge for a long distance relationship. So it is going to be even more challenging after a breakup.
That’s why it is important to manage your expectation. If he doesn’t want to meet you, don’t take it too personally. Continue applying the skills you have learned in whatever communication channel you are using with him.
Sometimes, you need to be creative in order to meet him face to face. For example, maybe you happen to have an event that is sort of half way between you and his home. You can always invite him.
But only invite him if you are ok with him turning you down. It is alright to feel a little bit disappointed. However, if you are totally crushed when he rejects you, you are probably not ready to meet him face to face yet.
Also, you should only attend an event if it is something you are really interested in. It shouldn’t be just for the sake of meeting him. This is more of a mindset you want to adopt.
When you have the right mindset, it will tend to permeate through your communication with him and he will probably be able sense it. This will make him more eager to meet you face to face.