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Will He Come Back to Me? What To Do When Your Boyfriend Breaks Up With You

This is a rough one.

 

How to Get Him Back

You cannot always get him back after he dumps you. Sometimes, the breakup is best for both of you and your best bet is to do what you can to move on.

Okay, we’ve got the worst-case scenario out of the way. Now, let’s examine what to do in any situation except that one.

 

Ignore Him—at first

I just want to make it clear.

I am not telling you to flat out ignore your ex boyfriend or play mind games with him.

I am just telling you to ignore his behavior and what he says.

For example, if he tells you that he hates you and doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore, just take it with a grain a salt.

Why is that so? Well, you have to consider his emotional state when he is saying that. Most probably, he is still angry with you, that is why he is saying that to spite you. But you know what? Emotions are constantly changing.

Today, he may be angry with you. Tomorrow, he see a photo both of you took together and suddenly, he is no longer angry with you anymore. So his words, “I hate you and doesn’t want to get back together with you anymore” is no longer valid.

Also, don’t worry about his behavior. Don’t worry if he ignores you or go no contact on you.

Most guys go into No Contact mode when they break up with their girlfriends. It’s an ancient defense mechanism for guys who are unsure how to deal with certain emotions. Remember, guys don’t get to have emotions, most of the time: they’re either expected to be sexual robots primarily concerned with their WSWPH (Women Slept With Per Hour), or some kind of real-life version of Rambo. Neither of these has much room in it for being sad, or even conflicted, about a breakup.

His friends are not going to be any help in this department. They are going to believe that if he broke up with you, he had good reason—whether he did or not. They are also going to believe that if he decides that maybe he was wrong, it’s their job to talk him out of his “weak” moment (see how any conflicted emotions get quashed?) and back into his normal guy self. His “normal guy self,” at this point, includes lots of partying, outings with his buddies, hitting on as many women as possible, and lots of status updates about how super-fantastic everything is, and he is.

 

This is like twisting the knife in the wound for most women. The last thing in the world you want to see is your man leave you in a fiery, explosive breakup (where you both probably said a lot of nasty things you didn’t really mean), and then get right back up the next day and have everything in his life be awesome. But have faith—things are, as usual, not what they seem.

The more time he spends publicly announcing that things are great for him (and telling himself over and over that he feels awesome), the more he’s probably conflicted about the breakup. Guys all the time go out and sleep with as many women as they can, because they think that’s what they’d do if they were truly over you. They’re trying to convince themselves, and they’re probably trying to convince you, a little bit, too.

So you have to ride out this storm. It’s the roughest part of the whole game, but it’s also the most important. Calling him 57 times a day is the most surefire way to get rid of him forever.

 

There are two reasons for this:

The first is that those 57 calls, whatever the voicemail messages might say, send one message loud and clear: desperate.

That’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but it’s fundamentally important. And we have to take this brutal honesty thing one step further, here: would you really want to be with someone desperate? It’s not a very attractive quality. And, as we’ll explore in-depth below, you need to be as attractive as possible right now.

The second reason is that all those calls let your ex know that you are right there, a safe bet if he ever decides that he was wrong.

If, on the other hand, you are able to control yourself, calm down and reflect on what needs to be changed, you are going to have a better chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

 

Working On Yourself Is The Best Thing You Can Do

Have faith that it’s the best way to make him want you back. Pamper yourself. Go out with your girlfriends, get your nails done—go and do those ‘you’ things that have nothing to do with your ex, but that you truly enjoy. Spend a few weeks just focusing on being the best and most attractive person you can possibly be. Do what makes you feel good about yourself.

Of course, don’t just focus on those external things. What is even more important is the internal transformation as mentioned in this article.

Don’t keep on checking his Facebook profile. Don’t worry too much about whether he is going to come back or whether he is going to fall in love with another woman. Those are things out of your control anyway. Worrying about those things will not help you to bring him back.

Also, don’t worry too much about using Facebook to get your ex back. Don’t waste time updating your Facebook profile, hoping that this will help you get him back. You can have the best photos in your profile and maybe that will motivate him to get back together with you.

Unfortunately, the result is probably going to be short lived. After some time, once he realized that you are still the same old person and the relationship dynamics is still the same, the reasons for the breakup are still there, he is going to leave you again.

That is what we often call the on again, off again relationship. I am pretty sure that’s not the kind of relationship you are looking for. You are going to see much better results when you put in the effort to transform yourself inside out so that you can become a better person and create a different relationship dynamics with your ex.

 

After a While, Try Talking

But only a little! This is the second hard part. Once things have calmed down, and both you and he have had a chance to ride out that crazy emotional storm, you can try a quick hello. The best thing to do is just drop a line—“hey, it’s been a while. How are things going?” is normally enough. But personalize it for your own conversation style; remember, you already seduced this guy once. Just being you—that best version of you—is the best possible course of action for attracting him back.

 

Be Seductive

Getting a guy back after he dumps you is an art, not a science. You’ll have to make a lot of decisions for yourself. But that’s a good thing: guys don’t fall in love with formulas. They fall in love with girls. And the girls that men find most attractive are the ones that look and feel their best, whether the guy likes them or not. You may feel absolutely terrible, not only about what’s happened, but also about yourself. Getting dumped can make you feel pretty ugly and unattractive, but you know enough now to know better. If he didn’t find you attractive, he would not have started dating you in the first place. If the way he felt about you changed, it was because something in the relationship changed.

So go out there and be your absolute best self. Take the time to make you feel good about you: no formula you’re going to find on the Internet will be better than that for bringing your ex running.

And of course, remember to sign up for my newsletter below! I have a lot of good relationship saving information to share with you inside! 

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You will receive daily tips that will show you how to calm down, deal with your negative emotions, develop the right mindset, understand your ex's emotional state,  understand your own emotional state and many more.


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Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 288 comments
donna bloomfield

Hi Mark, my boyfriend and I broke up last night, it all started three days ago, it was New Year everything was going well when I said I wanted to go home I was tired and I wanted to take my daughter home, he was having fun and didn’t want to really leave, my girlfriend was heading home so I said to him I would get a ride back with her from there he took it wrong thinking I was angry. I wasn’t. It was a simple solution. We ended up having a nasty fight, for two days he didn’t call me, I left him alone. Then he calls saying he needed to pick up some of his cloths, I asked him what was going on with us, he said he didn’t know and that I ruined the night and embarrassed him. I tried to tell him I wasn’t angry but be won’t believe me. He said he wanted to start the new year fresh. I said do you really want to threw us away and he said he might feel different by tomorrow, I felt so insulted and told him maybe he is right it’s better that we break up then. I hung up and then sent him a text telling him to pick up his things today and to have a good life. The truth is I don’t want him to have a good life without me but I’m tired of him being indecisive about our relationship. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do. He was also my best friend for 10 years before we got together. I don’t wont to go back to being his friend.

Reply
    Mark

    It seems a bit sudden the way he breakup with you. I also find it a bit weird that he is acting in an insensitive and selfish way. Because both of you have been best friends for 10 years so I thought there should be a certain level of trust and understanding between the 2 of you.

    Is this the norm for him? Maybe there were already problems in the relationship way before that night but you weren’t aware? Because you said he think you were angry. Why would he think you were angry? Is it because you are someone who gets angry easily? Or were you angry at him for something else before that night?

    Reply
Antoinette Jones

Hello Mark, my BF broke up with me on Sunday, he went through my phone and found pics and text messages. He is furious, pissed and very hurt. I know I have to give him his space to get his self together but will he eventually come around and come back to me.

Reply
    Mark

    Depends on what you do during this period. The information here should give you an idea on what to focus on.

    Reply
Serena

Hi Mark,

I’m 18. I dated this one guy for over a year and he and I were each other’s first loves. For our age, it was really intense and adult like; we are very mature people to begin with. It was hard at times, as all relationships can be, but for the good majority it was an amazing relationship which people were even envious of. The experiences and special times we had together were unforgettable. He broke up with me out of the blue. Even his friends said it came out of left field. When he broke it off, he didn’t even sound like he wanted to break up. He said things like “this is breaking my heart too” and “I’ll always love you” and “if we were 30 I would have married you, but we are too young” (I know this sounds lame, but I know him very well, and I know he was not bullshitting me when he said this, because of the way he said it). His reasoning was not easy to follow, mainly it sounded like he wanted freedom from a relationship and to have fun while he’s young. I ignored him for a while afterwards, but we both go to school together and have the same friends, so we have been talking now for a few months and it makes me sad because we used to be best friends, and I lost that closeness when I lost him. I still miss him terribly and am not over him, even though it’s been almost half a year. Because we lasted so long and were so good, and I really believe he loved me, I want to believe that he might love me again, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I miss him very much though, and I’m afraid that he will move on and forget me completely. I would appreciate any advice.

Thank you so much

Reply
    Mark

    Hi Serena,

    Forgetting about you completely, that is not going to happen. I can assure you that. After all, you have been together for one year. It’s not like you have only gone out for 2 dates. Many people still think about their exes from time to time even if the break up happen many years ago.

    It is very normal for young guys of his age to want freedom, have fun, enjoy being single or even to date other women just to experience what it is really like to date different women.

    At least that is what he wants now. So there is probably nothing much you can do about the situation. You may want to consider moving on.

    I know this may sound counter intuitive to you. Even if you still want him back, you will have a better chance if you can truly let go and accept the breakup. This will allow you to heal your emotions so that you can operate from a position of strength.

    When you are able to operate from a position of strength, not weakness (such as neediness, fear, worries), the vibes you give out will be very different. This will actually give you a better chance to get him back because you will be able to connect with him better. You can read this article to learn more.

    Reply
S

Hi Mark,

I need your help!

I have this guy in my life who is not exactly my bf but would definitely want him as a bf.
The issue is I am not clear about his feelings as of now. He is younger to me and we work in same office. May be being a junior stops him from advancing..I really don’t know! We are into talking terms since last 8-9 months and he keeps dropping me hints that he likes me. But honesly I am not sure what exactly he is looking fwd to. though we stay in touch but somtimes he just vanishes for a day or two.. no contact nothing and then suddenly appears out of blue. doesn’t even reply to my texts. Though I text him very less keeping my self respect first in place. Last weekend again the same episode happened. And Sunday onwards I decided to ignore him as much as I can. I didn’t reply to his Morning wishes on sunday and then monday also I kept my conversation limited to just Good morning only. Now Sunday onwards I can see huge change in him as he is trying talk to me as much as he can, he is even searching for excuses to talk to me…texting me…coming online more often. This has never happend in past 9 months. requesting me to join him in cafeteria for coffee.

I don’t understand if really has feelings for me? If so, how to make him admit his feelings? should I pursue this guy? I really like him a lot. But don’t know what holds him back.

Pl suggest.

Reply
    Mark

    Are you giving him mixed signals? Maybe he is inexperienced, the shy type or is afraid of rejection. That is why he wants to be sure before he confess his feelings for you.

    Have you tried dropping more hints to show that you are interested as well?

    Reply
      S

      Hi Mark,
      Thanks for responding.

      I think I have not been dropping hints frequently. More for the reason he is younger to me. I just can’t face the embarrasment of being tagged as a “Desparate woman”.
      And I really want him to make the move first. Pl suggest how to make him confess his love for me.
      He had been asking me for “Coffee” for past 5-6 days (When he doesn’t like coffee at all.)and yesterday only I could get some 20 mins for him. He said thanks for taking out time for him. He is really interested in me & I can feel it now. He wants to spend time with me.

      Thanks.

      Reply
        Mark

        If that is the case, try dropping more hints.

        For example, he has already asked you out for coffee. So it can be your turn to ask him out the next time.

        Also, can try to initiate some physical contact when it is appropriate. For example, maybe you see some pieces of food on his mouth, can try to help him wipe.

        Reply
        S

        Thanks Mark.

        I will not be able to ask him for coffee ever. I feel I am not that open with him as compared to him. It’s him only who had been approaching me always. I know I have this limitation.

        But physical contact I will be able to initiate when we would be having something together.

        On a different note–how you percieve it as spending time or dating a man younger to you? is it ok?
        As a man I would like to know how it feels when you are attracted to an older woman? why on the earth some one would do that?

        Reply
Lucy

Hi Mark, looking for some insight

He says there is ‘something missing’ in our relationship but cannot quite put a finger to what that is. He broke it up with me in a haste says I pushed him. After that says he is “in turmoil and so unsure of his feelings”
Wants us to be friends and wants to go catch a movie which we have been anticipating the relase for for quite awhile.
He hasn’t been happy with himself for quite awhile he says. So I think this ‘something missing’ he keeps mentioning about is maybe he is looking for me to fill that empty space and when I’m unable to, he feels frustrated. He says there is ‘something missing’, so let’s not waste time.
I asked him to explain what is this ‘something missing’ because I am struggling to understand what he means by it as I also don’t feel it at all. He can’t explain it. Says he wish he can sit and talk to me about it.
Broke up a week ago. Day 5 of NC and he hasn’t contacted me either. Miss him. Keep looking at his whatsapp ‘last seen status’ I should stop I know but I’m still grieving for him :((((

Do you think there is a good chance for us to get back together?

Reply
    Mark

    Is he going through a tough time in any area of his life or is he facing any crisis?

    Reply
      Lucy

      He works in an industry where he has no passion and interest for but keeps at it because that is what he has been doing since forever and he keeps saying he wants to do something different, in his actual field of interest but that pursuit has been stagnant for a long time. He feels trapped in this current job and also due to the fact that he travelled across the globe to accept this job, he is extremely frustrated because it did not give him the satisfaction that he had hoped for. Most of his resentment and grief is from the stress of working in this current environment with the current people that he dislikes and that has taken a toll and poured over to our relationship a lot.

      He is an expat in my country. We met while he was in his 3rd month here. He mentioned once before when we had a tiff that he loved me and pictured me being his wife and us having a family and living back at his country as he feels he is ready. Then.

      Now he keeps saying about the ‘something missing’ but can’t actually put a finger to what that is when I asked.
      My head’s messed up thinking about this.
      Today is day 7 of NC from either side.
      Everyone’s singing the same song – move on, get over him, etc etc
      But how does it help a person who is grieving for this loss? Yes it will heal in due time if it’s not meant to be but right now o matter what I need to know from your perspective what you think might be going thru his mind and if there might be any slight chance he is re-considering us?
      The mere thought of him already moving on and dating someone else drives me further into a depressive state.

      Reply
        Mark

        I shall answer this question by sharing a story about myself because I think it is quite relevant to the situation you are facing now.

        I once broke up with a girl and I think my situation, while not exactly the same, was quite similar to what your ex is currently facing.

        Basically, I was facing some financial difficulties because of some failed business attempts. Just like in your situation, my ex and I have talked about marriage. I did have the intention to marry her one day.

        And just like your ex, I also felt that something was missing but I can’t exactly pin point what it was. On hindsight, I think it was probably due to stress.

        I just wanted to focus on my career and my heart was just not in the relationship anymore. I had very low self esteem, I didn’t even want to attend any events with her because I just didn’t want to meet new people. We were also meeting only once a week.

        To a certain extent, I felt guilty. It wasn’t fair to her. So I thought the best thing to do is to just let her go. So we broke up.

        My problems already existed before I got into a relationship with her. At that time, I actually have this thought, “as long as she is my girlfriend, i can take on the world”. I think that is what you called chemistry.

        But through this personal experience, I finally realized that as long as you are not happy by yourself, you can’t be happy in a relationship.

        My ex is a very devout Buddhist. I think because of that, she is quite grounded in the concept of acceptance that I mentioned in this article. So she was able to let me go very graciously as well.

        But let’s imagine this. If she wasn’t willing to let me go and she tried all kinds of methods to try and get me back, even if she is using the proper methods that I recommend on this website, she is still not going to get me back.

        The reason is not because I no longer have any feelings for her. It is because I am now very aware of the fact that I can’t be happy with her if I am not happy with myself. Getting back together doesn’t fix the original reason for breaking up.

        Back to your situation.

        As mentioned, I think your ex’s situation is quite similar to mine. So this is really something out of your control.

        Let me try to answer your questions here.

        Any slight chance he is re-considering us?

        Well, I don’t know. It depends on whether he is able to get back on his feet on his own and how long he takes to do so.

        But how does it help a person who is grieving for this loss?

        As I mentioned in this article, doing external stuff such as going to the gym, pretending to be happy or simply ignoring your feelings is not going to help you feel better.

        You need to first accept that you are feeling hurt. You need to allow yourself to experience those negative emotions. Let them come out. You can try some of the exercises I recommend in that article.

        Also, I noticed that you are from Singapore. In case you are wondering how I know, because when you leave a comment on my blog, it will tell me your ip address. I am also from Singapore.

        Anyway, the reason I am mentioning this is because I want to encourage you to go to the library and borrow these 2 books.

        Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenburg
        Present Moment Awareness by Shannon Duncan

        I believe when you practice the principles in this book, it can help you process your emotions. These books will teach you more than what I can tell you in a single comment.

        How To Improve Your Chances of Getting Him Back

        I know you still hope to get him back. Let me put in this way.

        I don’t think you are emotionally ready to do that. Let me just point out a little observation I have.

        For example, yesterday, you just left 2 comments here, “Any advice Mark” twice.

        When I saw that, I was actually feeling a little bit irritated and almost wanted to delete your entire thread. But of course, I know you are going through a tough time now. You just wanted me to reply you faster.

        Don’t get me wrong. I am telling you this not to criticize or to make you feel bad. So please don’t feel bad about it.

        I just want you to be aware of certain nuances when you are dealing with your ex.

        Let say you bring the same vibe when you are interacting with your ex, it is only going to push him further away. Ironically, the more impatient you are, the more you are going to push him away, just like how you want me to reply you faster but I end up having to process my feelings of irritation first before I reply you.

        So there is no guarantee that you will get him back. The only thing you can do is to improve your chances.

        A simple equation is this.

        Same man + Same woman = Same relationship dynamics(the relationship that failed)

        In order to get your ex back, you need a different relationship dynamics.

        You can’t control the man’s part of the equation but you can control the woman’s part, which is you.

        Which means working through your emotions, improving your communication skill (non violent communication will teach you that), working on awareness and acceptance that I mention in the article.

        Let say your ex is ready for a relationship again, at least you can bring an improved version of yourself back into the relationship. Don’t you think that is going to give you a better chance? Even if you and your ex are not meant to be, the skills you cultivate will definitely help you in your future relationship.

        I hope that helps. Anyway, I hope what I just said won’t discourage you from commenting on my blog again. What I am asking is, just give me a few days to respond. Thank you.

        Reply
        Lucy

        Haha.. Mark, thank you so much for that reply! You are so right on in what you’ve said! I do tend to be impatient at times as I hate waiting around and look where it landed me in the end! The ex did break up with me in a haste.

        I apologise for the double entry. Honestly did not mean to click on button twice. Didn’t see first comment come up so clicked again and then both appeared! My apologies again!
        Thank you for your valuable insight! I will go look for those books and try and be more calm and more patient. I do recognise that I get annoyed easily when he takes awhile to reply my whatsapp texts (although I see that he’s been online) and I will definitely take those steps to try and improve my communication skills.

        Thank you again Mark and I do appreciate your advice and again please excuse my petty annoyances. Lol

        Cheers

        Reply
        Mark

        No worries. All the best!

        Reply
Chelsea

Hi Mark. I’m 20 years old and my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for 2.5 years and much like others, it came out of the blue for me. He said he could handle the stress of what was going on in his life (I.e school, work, his family). He goes to school full time and works 20 hours a week and cooks/cleans/takes care of his parents, brothers and grandmother. He is only 19. He never really wanted to go out with people when we were together and has always talked about just wanting to be young, but always had so many responsibilities. He told me a few weeks after the break up that he missed me and still loved me with all of his heart. But then the next night said he was starting to get over me. We’re trying to be “friends”, but we were never friends before we dated. I’m not sure what to do anymore.

Reply
    Mark

    Stress can often take a toll on relationship. My suggestion is that you try to empathize with him. Try to put yourself in his shoes and understand what he is going through.

    I think he has too much on his plate right now, considering that he is only 19. Even a 30 year old guy will find this kind of schedule stressful. So what you can do now is to just accept the fact he doesn’t want a relationship for the time being.

    That doesn’t mean you have to give him up completely. Also, don’t worry about what he told you. I know you are confused. One moment, he is telling you that he loves you. The next moment, he is telling you that he is moving on. Don’t take his words too seriously.

    What you need to understand is this. Human beings have emotions. I am sure you have probably heard of some angry people saying things like “I am going to kill you”. So did they end up killing any people? Of course not. Those are just words of anger.

    Similarly, your ex boyfriend’s emotions is constantly fluctuating. This is very normal after a break up. So just take what he said with a grain of salt.

    The key to getting an ex back is to make sure that every interaction you have with him feels good to him. The more often you can do that, the more likely is he going to consider getting back together with you.

    But in order to be able to do that, you need to feel good yourself first. If you yourself is in an emotional turmoil, obviously, you will not be able to connect with him emotionally.

    That is why I ask you to accept the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship now, at least not at this moment. This frees you. It gives you the time to start working on yourself for at least a month or two. Work on the skills I mentioned in this article.

    This is going to give you a much better chance to get him back when your ex boyfriend is ready for a relationship again.

    Reply
yolanda

Hey
I met a guy online hes from a different country from me we have a really good chemistry he was always there for me in everything but after a while he start to be cold we met once and we talked a lot abt our future and stuffs and we were so happy but at my birthday he broke up with me because i was so needy and i want him to be with me he put a distance for 3 days saying that he wont leave me then he came witg an desicion to be friends and he texts me every day but not constantly he said that he want me to be mature because life is hard sometimes he say that i wished we are still in relation and in so special to him and sometimes he said u might go few dates before we go back to each others he really make me confused with his mixed signals and always mention my friend who is a boy that u will be happy when he knw that we are in relation and that he doesn’t want to date anyone but i will be in relation and he said that he will see me soon and sat that every woll be good for u and for me i really dont knw what to do u dont know if hes coming back or no please help

Reply
    Mark

    Start working on the skills I mentioned in this article.

    Getting an ex back is based on a very simple equation.

    same man + same woman = same relationship dynamics (the relationship that broke up)

    You can’t do anything about the man’s part of the equation. You can only work on yourself in order to change the relationship dynamics. Imagine a new and improved version of yourself. A woman who is confident and no longer needy. A woman who is aware and has the ability to connect emotionally with her boyfriend.

    When you are able to bring a better version of yourself to the relationship, the relationship dynamics is never going to be the same again. It is going to be much better. That’s the only way your ex will even consider getting back together with you. So it depends on whether you are willing to put in the effort to work on yourself.

    Reply
zoey

hey mark,
my bf broke up with me about a month ago over something i didn’t do. my friend contacted his ex telling her about the kind of relationship we had and she scolded him in return he broke up with me even though i had nothing to do with it, i tried explaining it to him and he knows that it wasnt my fault but says that he can no longer be the same as he was, what does that mean? he says he wants to be with me but can’t now as things have changed.
we had a good relationship of 2.5 months and he said he loved me. now i’m not in contact with him for almost 2 weeks and haven’t heard from him either
what should i do? i really love him

Reply
    Mark

    Work on the skills mentioned here for one month and and try again. I will be updating the article again on 22nd jan with information that you can use. So you can check back again later.

    Reply
      zoey

      what if he goes back to his ex?

      Reply
        zoey

        he is not even trying to contact me, its been two weeks

        Reply
        Mark

        Do all of you know each other, as in you, your ex, his ex and your friend? How long ago did your ex broke up with his ex before he got together with you? Just trying to find out whether you are his rebound relationship.

        Reply
LALA

Hey mark. I came across your website searching for answers that i didnt get from him. He broke up with me reason due to family. And the family introduce him with a girl, friends of the family. He said he grew fonder of her. Now thats his reason. Oh yea, and its over a text. We almost reached 5 years. What happen. He said i didnt do anything wrong. He cant keep fighting the family wishes. Calls diverted,msgs not going thru. I guess like u said he is cutting communications. Better yet we work in the same building. Ive been tuning out my thoughts with my headset for the last 3 days. But i just cant help me sometimes. Whats going on u know.

Reply
    Mark

    The only way to get him back is to bring a better you into your interaction with him. So instead of worrying about all the external things you can’t control and asking all kinds of questions that won’t help you get your ex back, start focusing on your own internal transformation which you can control. Work on the skills in this article and you are going to stand a much better chance.

    Reply
Tamara

Hi Mark I was seeing a guy for 3 months we hit it off right from the beginning – we took things slow and eventually spent almost every day and night together. I ended up getting pregnant and we had talked about if it happened we would nit keep it as we both do not want children I am 25 he just turned 30. When I found out I was happy but couldn’t be I guess I had made it sound like I wanted the baby and he got mad and we haven’t seen or spoke except for fighting and saying hurtful things to each other in 2 weeks. I make some statuses public on Facebook and he has sent me texts about them so I know he’s been looking at my profile since I removed him. He kkeeps saying he never wanted to be with me and doesn’t want to now – but the day before I told him I was pregnant he was at my house all weekend saying things like baby you don’t love me anymore and texting me sweet things that same morning – then he changed in an instant. Said I made him mad so he didn’t come back.
Is he just really mad or just needs his time to clam down and maybe rethink this whole thing. It doesn’t make sense, if he actually didn’t want to be with me why would he say all those things and be at my house instead of breaking it off way before – or not coming back when I dumped him in the middle of December?
I’m so confused and heart broken over this

Reply
    Mark

    It is probably due to the baby. He is not ready to bear the responsibility of a father. That is why he is withdrawing from you.

    Leave him alone for the time being. Hopefully, he will change his mind and start taking responsibility.

    Right now, focus on taking care of yourself first. Don’t over analyze things. It doesn’t solve any problems.

    Only contact him if it is something to do with the baby.

    Reply
crystal

Hi Mark.
My boyfriend broke up with me in November last year. he messaged me a week after to say that he wanted to be friends but I wasn’t sure. I saw him at a party and he spoke to me as normal but he never hinted at getting back together, I was really upset back then but I am starting to feel a lot better. I only text him when he does and this was on Christmas and new year and after that when he messaged me again, I did not reply because I gave up hope that he will want me back. whenever I see him, I only briefly say hi and I don’t linger. He hasn’t messaged me at all since then, should I stop hoping that he wants me back and move on completely, I want to but its so hard because I still love him and I feel really lonely and sad without him.

Reply
    Mark

    You need to take a more proactive approach. You can’t just sit there and hope for things to happen. I know this may not be what you want to hear but I am just telling you the reality.

    If you want him back, you need to work on yourself.

    You need to be happy by yourself first before you try and get him back.

    Right now, you seem to be depending on him for your happiness. That is extremely unattractive.

    You can sign up for my newsletter here if you need more help in this area.

    Reply
Anonymous

Hi mark

I’m 21 and my bf and I were in a long distant relationship. It’s been 20 months that we dated, one year of it spent fighting. it was always about my insecurities and it kept pushing him away every time I tried talking to him about it. We would end up fighting almost everyday because he hates having long conversations and I insisted them, I was clingy and I never backed off when he wanted me to. His friends all think I’m no good for him. He was not happy with me and doesn’t want to be with me anymore, not now and not in the future. He says we’re not compatible and he doesn’t see us being happily married if this is how we fight all the time. He always use to get frustrated at me all of a sudden without me even trying. He says I’m clingy, pushy, always stifling him, make everything about myself, bring out the worst in him and I have this way of making him frustrated like no one else does. We were in a pretty serious relationship, and met up a few times. The good times is what kept us going for the past year. It would be that when we were together in person nothing could tear us apart and that kept us together, but the last meeting I started the fight thinking talking about things in person would make a difference but it made it worse. He’s busy with his studies, and said he can’t afford to be in a taxing relationship as ours was but he doesn’t mind being friends. So I said I know I messed up and maybe in the future I hope I get to earn the chance of being with him as someone better, because he always says I’m not the girl he fell in love with. And he said he feels that being friends with him is giving me hope of ever being with him again and I should move on. He refuses to tell me how he feels about me anymore, coz if he tells me he’s over me I would feel hurt and if he tells me he isn’t then it would give me hope, but to me he seems better off without me and completely fine. Since Sunday after the phone call we’ve been chatting via text as friends and it’s like when we first met, the conversations are completely normal like how we’re ever wanted it to be.. But a relationship is like out of the question if I ever bring it up.. and surprisingly he’s actually putting effort into the texting, like the first 6 months of our dating, without the flirting though. He’s so complicated to read I don’t know what to do or think. I messed up badly and he doesn’t want to try again coz I tried a million times and I kept on telling him I will change and the same thing happened. There was a point that he was madly in love with me and I meant the world to him, but now I feel it’s as if I mean nothing to him at all. The worst part of it all, I’m still in love with him no matter how bad he was to me and he he knows I’ll always be there. I even stooped below my standards and was the one to call him all the time. This time, I think I pushed him too away. I realised how badly I’ve behaved with him and have been the worst girlfriend ever. Im not proud of myself at all and I can understand why he wouldn’t want to be with me. I tried begging him and obviously that wasn’t going to work. It’s my first relationship and clearly I’m not fit to be in a relationship and capable of handling situations appropriately and maturely. I have this tendency of bringing out the worst in the people that care for me, and the person that cared for me the most I think I may have pushed him for good. But I honestly, really want to genuinely do everything to make him happy now and want to change to be a better person and the one that he fell in love with. What do I do? Every time I try to do something it always backfires and never works. How do I show him that the entire year of fighting was worth it and the relationship was worth holding on to. I want to be myself again like when he first met me, but I just don’t know how to and I don’t know if he’ll ever fall in love with me again or restrain himself coz of the past year and his studies or if he’s moved on and wants to be with someone else. Sigh…

Reply
    Mark

    If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you have to be willing to work on yourself first. I think you probably know that already since you have been hitting the wall so many times. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. So you need to take a very different approach.

    Until you become a better version of yourself, whatever you do will be a waste of effort. So I will suggest that you don’t contact him anymore and focus 100% on yourself.

    A good place to start is by reading my article here. I shared a lot of information in that article. Make sure you don’t just read the article. You must actually practise the exercises in the article for at least 30 days to start seeing some differences in yourself, especially the meditation.

    Also, sign up for my newsletter above. I will share with you more tips you can use to work on yourself.

    Reply
      Anonymous

      Taking time away makes a huge difference. Looking at myself how I was for the past year and how I am now.. I feel so ashamed how I could have let myself stoop so low and drop my standards. After all I’m a woman and I should know how to handle situations with ease. Typically I think we always react with emotions thinking they would work rather than logic.
      Also, being away from a situation lets you see things from a different perspective. I guess I needed to get out of the relationship to have time to myself completely so I could pull myself together.

      I am glad to say that I finally got myself to doing the no contact, mainly for myself. It’s been a week and I feel alive and happy and in control of my life. I am off social networks which makes a big difference so I won’t be stalking him and hurting myself, instead I get to focus all my energies on myself and keeping my thoughts and feelings in check. I do love him, a part of me misses him and wants him back.. But a part of me is really angry as well for the way he treated me. Yes I was wrong in many ways, and he couldn’t handle my constant nagging and insecurities and “clingy” side.. But then again he brought out that side the minute he chose every other girl over me and made me feel like the last priority in his life. “Make other woman jealous of your girl, don’t make your woman jealous of other woman.” If I had an issue about something, I would bring it up because if I did the same thing he would have had an issue about it. Other than that I honestly didn’t care and I’m a very chilled person. I agree my insecurities made me act out in a lot of bad ways.. But now I know better never to deal with a situation while I am clouded by emotions.

      As for contacting him again, that’s below my standards. And I’m really tired of running after him in circles. Since I haven’t replied to his last message and I’m off social networks.. There’s a possibility he may phone to check up on me.. So if he does, then I guess I’ll just play it cool or should I ignore the calls for a bit since he kinda deserves it for all the times he ignored me? and well.. coz he thinks he has this power over me where if he says jump then I’ll jump.. Basically he knows how to control my emotions. So when I do speak to him and he asks why haven’t I replied, I should say I’ve been busy in a casual way?
      And I should be the one to control the conversation, what we speak about and when the conversations ends and just pretend that I’m talking to one of my buddies and be confident, and cool about everything. He would miss talking to me that way?

      Dealing with the situation non-emotionally makes sense right? Just be the best version of myself as that will boost my confidence and not let him get to me. That way he’ll be respectful towards me. I know I have it in me to do this right I’m just afraid I might mess up or slip.. One wrong thing I say or do can possibly put me back into square one.

      I honestly didn’t expect things to be this way, I guess we all don’t expect our relationships to get so bad. We were perfect together when we were not fighting. I hope it’s possible for us to go back to the way we were in the first few months. He kinda made it super clear to me how happy he is without me.. Or is that what he feels right coz of how toxic our relationship had become? Coz every time we took space, he’d miss me or be the one to tell me that he needs me than I can imagine.. But I was too overprotective? He couldn’t even handle another guy looking at me that’s how protective he was with me. Do you think it’s possible after everything and all that he’s shown me that he’s moved on, that he still has feelings and possibly still wants to be with me? In the break up msg he said he wished things would be like the first 6 months and that’s exactly what we both want.. Which means there’s a slight chance right? I guess whatever happens now, happens. Just go with the flow and never forget to be my best self.. And always be happy.

      Ps: Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it :) Looking forward to what you think about how I’m dealing with things at this point!

      Reply
Sasha

Hey Mark,
Can you help me please?
I had been with my boyfriend for a year and two months. We would always fight in the past, all the time, but we talked about it and we fixed it and the fights became less and less. But they would still happen, and I would usually instigate them. One day I fought with him over something dumb and I guess he was flat out tired of it so he ignored me for two days. I blew up his phone with calls amd texts (nice ones at this point) but he just ignored them. Then after two days we met up in person and he broke up with me. Said he felt notbing for me anymore and just did not want to be with me. I was hysterically crying, in front of him! I couldn’t brlie e it because he had been the most amazing, caring, loving boyfriend I had ever had. He would tell me he loved me every single day he would do everything for me. We went to mexico for two weeks to visit his whole family. Everything was great. On top of that he asked me to marry him. I don’t understand how someone can switch up like that in just one day?? I cried to him so much. I tried to convince him not to do it but he looled me with a straight facr and said he doesn’t care and doesnt feel anything for me at the moment. That was a week and two days ago and I havent spoken to him in the last 5 days at all. I did the mistake of apoligizing and saying I really want him back. I don’t know If I annoyed him too mmuch already or did too much damage but that was just in the beggining. A few days after the breakup. I dont know. I really love him and want to be with him soooo bad. What should I do? Do you think he might want me back or might miss me?

Reply
    Sasha

    Btw, we were together every single day throughout our entire relationship. Everyday. Lile how can he straight up say he does not feel anything anymore. Plus, his friends all hate me for no reason. And since the breakup, he’s been going out with them daily. He deleted me off fb and deleted our pictures

    Reply
    Mark

    Well, your situation is quite common and not as bad as you think. I have seen worse situations than you got back together, so I hope that at least offers you some consolation.

    Let’s focus on the important things here. It doesn’t matter whether he misses you or want you back if you are still the same old person. Because once he get back together with you and realize he is going back into the same old relationship, the only logical conclusion is another breakup. I am pretty sure that is not what you want.

    So the only way to get him back permanently is to work on yourself. So how do you get started working on yourself?

    Well, I have written an extremely long article about this topic. You can read it here. You can also sign up for my newsletter above where I am going to share even more information with you.

    He still has feelings for you. It is just that the positive feelings are blocked by negative emotions because of all the arguments. Therefore, you need to get rid of those negative feelings by becoming a better version of yourself.

    Reply
      Sasha

      I read your entire article and it was amazing (you should write a book, to be honest)!
      I’m definitely working on myself, mostly internally.
      However, I want to mention that the week of our breakup, i sent him a long apology by text and I genuinely told him nice things. I told him I was sorry for fighting and being irrational at times. I explained the reasons I did those things, but that they were wrong nonetheless. I explained to him that I wasn’t angry at him and I forgive him too and I told him I already started changing and if we get back together he will see those changes, I would never act like that again.
      He ignored me and told one of his friends I was “spamming” him. His friend is datingbmy bestfriend, so she told me. And that hurts a lot. I just can’t help but wonder how he looks so happy these past two weeks. On social media and everything he looks like he’s having the time of his life. I was his first serious relationship, his longest, and we went through a lot. Regardless of the fights, it was a beautiful relationship. Very affectionate, genuine, together all times.
      I’m using the NC Rule to heal, but also, he ignores me. I’m sure he needs a lottt of space. I made myself look like I reallllly wanted to be with him that first week, but it’s because I truly do.
      I can’t help but wonder how he looks so happy without me? How does he not miss me? Or when he will start to.. And how can he not remember all the amazing things I did for him as well, regardless of the fights, throughout our relationship…

      Reply
lily

How mark, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years while we were still in the same country. But when he got admission to study abroad, he seldom called and to make matters worse we lost contact for almost a year. when he came back for Christmas,he asked me if I have a bf but I said no cos that was the truth. we made up and were happy for sometime .however there was this girl in his school who he says has been helping him a lot, even doing his assignment for him when he was sick
because of that, his family knows the girl, but he says he is just friends with the girl.
One evening he agreed to meet but due to my work, I couldn’t meet him on time, he waited for me but my boss was taking much of my time. I called him later and asked him to go home
He was very angry and told me never to do that to him again or else he will quit. It happened again a week later and he said I should not call him again till he lives the country. He said he’s tired and he is not interested anymore. I begged him on phone and thru texts but he switched off his phone. i let a day passed after which I called him thrice but he did not respond. After sometime,,he called me and asked what the problem was, I begged him again and he said I should meet HIM . I told him it will be in the evening. Around 6pm I called again to tell him am coming but he said he won’t have time again till he lives the country. He even cut the call on me. Please what should I do, is he still with me or has he broken up with me.

Reply
    Mark

    If he cut the call on you, then don’t contact him anymore. Treat is as he has broken up with you. You can start working on yourself and cultivate the skills mentioned in this article. Also, you can sign up for my newsletter above for more helpful information.

    Reply
Alyssa

Hi Mark!

This article has really helped me out. My boyfriend of a year and 6 months (was going to be 7 months on Christmas) broke up officially the day after Christmas last year, and it sucked.

The relationship started going downhill once his mom had surgery and he needed to take care of her and hardly had any time to hang out with me, which I understood. But once she was getting better, he kept saying he was extremely busy and could barely see me on the days we went to church together, and he kept getting more and more distant whenever we were together. Then he decided to join the Navy, and I looked into joining also because he was joining. On the 23rd of December, he said we needed a break through teary eyes and became very emotional saying he didn’t want to drag me into what he was doing, which was right of him to do, so I agreed to a break at the time. But he also mentioned if I wanted to date others I could because he wouldn’t hesitate to date others, either. He also invited me to see my favorite comedian January 8, which I thought was weird since we were having a “break,” but he never brought up the comedian again.

We continued to talk as if nothing happened the next two days until Christmas evening, when I noticed he deleted all of our pictures, I got very upset at him and when I did, he said I was acting like all the other crazy girls I’ve made fun of and all of these very mean things to me. We eventually broke up the next day officially and he said he “didn’t care anymore about me” and that “we had fun.”

Come January 8, he ended up taking a new girl co-worker “friend” to see this comedian instead and posted it on instagram and even took a picture with the comedian and this girl. I just didn’t understand how he could do this, since we were talking normally on New Years Day but he never contacted me after that again.

What do you think is going through his mind? Since he’s met my family, I’ve met his, and he’s gone out of town with me several times. I’m working on bettering myself, but is this really the real him? He was such a sweet guy when we were together, even though we both did dumb and mean things during our relationship. I’m also feeling guilty about bad things I did and said to him. Is this guilt real? Or should I just let it go?

Thanks, and sorry for the long post!

Reply
    Mark

    Guilt doesn’t really serve you. So learn to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt. The best way to deal with guilt is to learn from your mistakes and make sure not to repeat the same mistakes again. This is a lot more constructive than feeling guilty.

    Whether to let go or not depends on you. My suggestion is don’t give up so soon without even trying. Also, don’t over analyze his every action. Just because he took a girl with him and take photo with your favorite comedian doesn’t necessary mean anything. Since the break up is still fresh, let the heat settle down first. Go no contact for a while and try again when you feeling better emotionally.

    Reply
mimi

hey. my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me on july 2014.he said he don’t love me anymore.so i was calm and said okey a week later he called me i was calm and i was laughing he was chocked and said that the break up didn’t affected me so he tried to get me back we talked a few months and then we saw each other on septembre.i over reacted when i saw him and he realised that i’m still in love with him so he kind of back off a little and said let’s give some more time because going back together now is not a good idea so i was really angry so i cut him from fb and skype and did no contact for 2 months in which he didn’t contact me not even once.after that i contacted him on decembre said he was okey he accepted my invitation on fb and was pretty nice to me and got angry when he find out that i have new male friends.so to make him believe that he is the only one in my head i overeacted again like a break down i let him see that i’m still in love with him and i want hiim back he said no it wouldn’t work we tried once and that’s it .so i tried to stay come but the thing is whenever i don’t talk to him he comes to talk to me and blames me for not talking to him but when i talk to him he ignors me i even ask him out but he keeps sayin not now not now .i even told him that i want to see him to say goodbye for ever but he said not now.he’s like afraid of me he doesn’t want to talk to me in the night he said because he doesn’t want to get used to talking to me then we will go back at what we were he is afraid of being in love with me again so he is pushing me .but he is saying that he doesn’t love me anymore.and for the record he didnt date any girl since the break up he told me that he wanted to be alone now.is that making any sense to you .he is making me insane.what do you think tomorrow is our aniversary eventhough we’re not together i told him i wanted to see him but he said no because he obviousely forget about it.what do you think if i go where he lives and call him saying i’m here come it will be a big thing for him right !!!!

Reply
    Mark

    Seems like he is confused about what he really wants. Anyway, you shouldn’t go to where he lives. Showing up at his house uninvited will just make you look crazy and desperate and push him further away. So don’t do that. Right now, he doesn’t seem ready to talk to you. So just leave him along for the time being. Meanwhile, use this time to work on yourself and practise the skills I mentioned in this article.

    Reply
zoe

Hi Mark, My boyfriend proposed to me 1 year into our relationship, he did so while we were away in paris. He spoke to my sister about proposing 6 months before he did. He asked for my dads permission and took my sister and best friend ring shopping. We met each others family and friends and went on double dates etc. He spent all his time at mine as he preffered being with my family.his mum is lovely but his dad is really grumpy and puts my bf down alot. He called my mum ‘mum’ and said my sister was like his sister. We planned our whole life together, babies, houses, dogs etc. He spent every free time with me and when he didnt he text me all the time. We really wanted to move out but I wanted to wait to buy a house. We had a few disagreements but he eventually said it was a better idea. I sent him a few pictures of houses and he told me to stop til we could afford it. Then we kinda had a argument where he said he didnt want to buy full stop. Then the next day he phoned me in tears saying he loved me but couldnt commit, this was just after our 18 month anniversary. Before that we had spent the whole weekend together with no sign at all he didnt want to be with me anymore. He wrote lovely words in my valentines card and brought up a conversation on our future children. He even came out for 2 family meals.

We kinda spoke on email the week after he left me but he kept making excuses not to meet up. He said it was nothing I did as I was perfect, its his issue. He said he needs to be alone to grow up (he is abit of a mummys boy) even tho we are both 26. A few weeks after the break up he blocked me on fb, I asked why and he said it was his way to cope. I asked if he missed or loved me even a tiny bit and he said he has no feelings and hes seeing someone new nothing serious. I asked if he cheated and he swears he didnt which I do believe.

He does have a serious lack of confidence and always said I could do better. He avoids confrontation completely. And I never noticed when I was with him but my friends and family said he seemed to be ok one minute and down the next. His dad nearly had a mental breakdown 10 years or so ago and they wonder whether he has depressive traits, maybe like his dad. I saw his grandad after the split and even he agreed. Its been 7 weeks since we split and I have good and bad days. I dont understand how something so perfect has ended so out of the blue. All my friends and family are shocked and dont understand either as he always spoke so highly of me and worshipped me. He only has a a few good friends who are both with a girlfriend/fiance and hes not a going out drinking type, hes quiet and not a laddy type. Going out of my mind replaying everything and wondering what happened.

Reply
    Mark

    The house issue is the cause. He couldn’t take the stress and that’s why he decided to bail himself out of the relationship. You shouldn’t push him to buy a house when he wasn’t ready. It is a very big financial commitment and that was giving him so much stress that he couldn’t take it anymore.

    Reply
      Zoe

      Should I just forget him and try and move on? I’m not doing too badly ATM, despite missing him a lot. I suppose deep down I would like him to return, what’s your advice?

      Reply
        Mark

        If deep down, you really want him back, then give it your best shot and see whether you can get him back.

        That way, you can move on without regrets even if you failed. At least you know you have tried your best.

        So the key questions to ask yourself is this, “Will you regret if you don’t try?”

        If you will, then try. If you won’t, then move on.

        If you decided that you want him back, this resource will help you a lot.

        Reply
Holly Small

Hi Mark,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years.
We both started new jobs about four months ago and are working hours clash. This means that we can go weeks without seeing each other. This made us grow apart but my boyfriend kept saying that it would get better in the future when we both were more secure in our jobs.

I have always worked while we were together but my boyfriend was unemployed for a year. This meant that I would have to pay when ever we went out. This made him feel uncomfortable and not like a “man”. So when he got a job, we were both under the impression that we would have a better life together and we were planning for the future. But as mentioned previously, we ended up seeing each other less.

Although the relationship was strained I always believed we would get through it, as we have gotten through other things in the past. However last week he told me that we had grown apart and his feelings changed. We then saw each other a few days ago because he wanted to see me in person. He told me again that he wanted to break up. The situation was very emotional and it was decided that we would see each other the next day. I did not see him and have not spoken to him because I still feel too emotional. I have not been in contact since.

His sister told me that he has never felt good enough for me and that he is confused.

Deep down I am hoping that he is confused and that in a few weeks he will change his mind. To me he was all that I wanted in a partner. I love him more then I realized and I am absolutely heartbroken.

Reply
    Mark

    It is an issue with his self esteem. Just give him a few weeks to sort things out and contact him again after that to see how things go.

    Reply
Kelly

I am a sexy intelligent 51 yr old woman…I dated a great guy for over a year…we got along great in every way but I knew from the start that our lifestyles were different and I nearly did not date him for these reasons. I am more active more health conscious and he smokes which to me is usually a deal breaker.

I learned more in the past year both from him and and from being with him perhaps more than in 20 years prior. It was the first time I opened my heart up to someone in years, and as much as it hurts I am glad for it.

Although we never fought there were things about his lack of energy and being less passionate than me that always bothered me, some of which I attributed to his diet and lifestyle and hoped perhaps he would change it on his own. I never put him down or made he feel bad about any of these things, I learned how to be calm, loving and kind in a relationship, I felt all along that perhaps he is the transition guy,the guy who teaches me how to be in a relationship so that when I meet the right guy I will be ready.

We had a bit of a rocky time at the beginning of this year, he backed off into his cave (unlike his usual communicative nature) told me he needed time to think…During this time I was a bit insecure about what was going to happen but did not say anything…In the end I decided that we should put all the cards on the table, tell each other how we feel, what we each need and want in general and from each other and then decide if we can each meet those needs or if we needs to move on. I wrote him a letter that actually sounded more like a love letter yet explained all these points. My regret was not giving it to him to read before meeting so that he could reflect on it for a bit.

When we met…he told me that he did not love me and he was sorry he hurt me.As much as I knew we were not on the same page..to hear this and ‘it shouldn’t be so hard’ was devastating… we talked, cried, made love and parted…nearly 3 weeks ago…Not sure if he did not realize that we broke up but somehow he expected or hoped that I would go to a birthday dinner in his honour a few days later, I turned him down and told him it would be too hard. Since then I soon after sent him another letter which though still not unkind explained my hurt(and a bit of anger), mostly for deciding to call me his gf at one point when I told him that I needed to back off as I was getting emotionally tied to him and felt like it was one side, I explained to him that the only way I could protect my heart was to date others and see him more as a playmate. He asked me if it would be ok to call me his gf….the label changed little.

I told him I was having trouble reconciling things he said and did during the relationship and these things he said now. I told him perhaps we could be friends later (he wants this) , but right now I can not. He not only wrote me a reply but has since, twice emailed me to tell me that he is thinking about me and grieving and it is hard for him…and has texted as well. I have not replied to either.

I am trying to stick to my adage I created called NOPE..whenever I think of reaching out I say NOPE – meaning as far as he is concerned I am Not On Planet Earth. Well this past weekend he played in a concert, and I went back and forth on the idea of going and enjoying the concert and acting like a friend only…with what are you crazy..you cant be out of sight and not in contact and be there at a concert…I did not go…now when I see posts about the concert, pics of him playing, not only do I feel I missed out, but I miss him and want to reach out….

Perhaps I am having a hormonal day as I know the following

He is sweet and kind and has many great qualities I have not seen before BUT

We are different
He has disappointed me with low energy
Though sex was unreal, I want someone who wants me more than going home to do their laundry in the morning;-)
He does not love me…I deserve more!
I keep trying to temper this thing with all the good that I miss but it is not enough…….thoughts, suggestions would be most welcome.

Reply
    Mark

    Maybe this article will help you make a decision. You can scroll down to the part on Reason 6: Good But Not Great.

    As you mentioned, you have all along regarded him as the transition guy. So maybe you still decided to date him despite the lifestyle differences and deal breaker because at least it feels good even though it is not really great?

    Reply
Jessica

Hello mark
My boyfriend and I were together for one year and two months.. we’ve been through a lot and on January the 5th.. we had a stupid fight, he ignored me for 3 days then he suddenly told me he doesn’t have feelings for me, he said he tried his best but he can’t and that he’s tired. we were doing great all the time with intentions of getting married.. he introduced me to all of his friends and family.. and I introduced him to mine as well…

I admit that I have done some stupid things after we broke up which made me look like a complete b****… but i’m not and i feel so sorry for what I did but my anger controlled me at that time. He blocked me afterwards on all social media.. told me that he hated me and that there is no way for us to get back together.. he admitted that he will never find a girl like me and that no girl will ever do what i did and that i was amazing but he just can’t continue with the relationship anymore. His mom and I are friends.. and she keeps telling me that he might change his mind again and realize what a big mistake he have done.

I will probably be seeing him in about a month because I need some money from him and I’m thinking about apologizing to him for what I did AFTER the break up, It won’t be an apology to get him back.. but because I really have to what I did was awful and he has the right to hate me.. but he knows deep inside that I’m not a bad person.. Is there any chance that he might change his mind back again? after the apology?

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    Mark

    There is definitely a chance that he will change his mind. However, it will not be achieved by the apology. The only way to change his mind is to show that you have changed for the better, therefore, the relationship will be different and better this time round.

    This article will give you an idea on what are the important things you need to focus on.

    Reply
Andjela

Hey Mark,
I had a long distance relationship…it lasted 8 months..for 8 months we saw each other 3 times :/ (we didnt have possibility for more..money,time,my college and his work) first we fall in love on first sight in Greece.From that night(and we didnt sleep together that night) we didnt see 4 months,but we hear on skype,fb etc.after he come to Serbia for 4 days with his friend and we had amazing time!it was really magical! but at the end he keep telling that we have no future,that long distance wont work…but still we hear like we were in relationship.after one month i went to greece but just for a few hours (i had only 20e for shopping tour..and while rest of the group was shopping i was with him.i traveled 9hours with bus to greece and 9h back just so i could see him for one afternoon)..he introduced me to his friends and wanted to introduce me to his familly,but i didnt want that because i was tired and they dont speak english and i was a little scared from their reaction(i am serbian and he is albanian…if you dont know-those two countries are not quite friendly)..and at the end of the day again he kept telling how we dont have future (but 5 min before he told me he loved me and that no girl would do what i did for him and that i am only girl with who he would imagine a serious relationship.and that he hates this far away thing,that it hurts him so much(and he is not kind of person who tells a lot about emotions..macho and that kind of stuff). In that moment i kind knew he is not going to continue this relationship,but i couldn’t admit to myself…

so we keep going until february and it become just worse..and in one moment i wanted to end just so i dont wait for the moment when he gets absolutely cold.i didn’t want to see him looking me cold.but he didnt let me and said how he dont want to loose me and that i give him one week and he will look more positively at our future(but i have 3 more years to finish medicine college,i cant come to greece now,no way).i told him that one week will not solve nothing, but he insisted. and that week turned in one month and he left me at the end of march.before he broke up he stopped calling me.i was thinking maybe he has some kind of phase,i dont want to be boring,i will wait for him to call..but week passed and he didnt call.i even had some little tooth operation and he didnt ask me how i am.(we usually hear every or every second day on chat,and once a week on skype).i know he didnt find some other girl..and i called him week after and he speak in short sentences and said everything is ok.but i see its not.and after i started asking what what what is wrong he told me that he wants to stop.i said ok lets talk on skype(because i am maybe coming in one month in greece for 5 days.just i wanted him to be patient a little and to give us chance.because we really didnt have chance to spend more time together),and he didnt want.he sound cold.i was very hurt.tried whole day to calm down..i go out with friends for coffee,go running and nothing…in the night i go to party and got drunk and called him(i know its stupid,but alchocol…)and i looked desperate.i deleted him and his friends from fb(because i didnt want to see him).he was even colder.morning after i realised how stupid i was and that maybe he has right that he wants end(we really have no money to see each other at least once in 2 months) and i send him to talk on skype for finish and that i feel stupid for that drunk conversation.he didnt want.he blow me off because he wanted to watch football and go out.i felt even more hurt.like he never loved me,like i am some kind of crazy woman(i never did something like that drunk conversation and to be boring all the time with messages.but because of that last conversation i felt like i am crazy)…week passed..i cried myself out (and still cry sometimes)..and again i had to talk with him to try to get back my dignity at least if i can.i send him and he said that he dont want to talk with me because he still has feelings for me(less than before,but still have)and its hard for him to talk for end because the distance is the only reason for break up(at least he says so…im not so sure its only that.maybe he just dont like me anymore).at the end we talked on skype…and we talked about everything except break up..a little we talk about break up(no drama) and that is it..rest two hours i dont know what we talked xD he told me that i am something special in his life and that he will remember me and that he would want to hear with me(and emphasize-not every day but when we can)…from that day i didnt hear with him.

on first May i am going in Greece and i dont know what to do..to call him or not..i dont want to be desperate.he will maybe think i am stalker.i am not.my aunt and my brother are going on bussines trip to greece and there is one place free in car for me.and we are not going just to his city(but when we were together plan was that they drop me with him and after come back for me),we are going to some other cities too.we would be just a few hours in his city.
Now i ask you what you think is the best to do?

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Sweety

I ended up in anger but then I said sorry but he said breakup. I cried a lot. He was asking me to be friends. I said no but I miss him a lot. He doesn’t want to be in any relationship with me. He just wants to be friends but I want him back and I am hardly taking to him. Just a “Hi” and “Bye”. Will he be back?

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    Mark

    What happened before that?

    Reply
Jessica Miller

Okay my boyfriend and i have been together for about 7 months. We were so in love but we are two very strong minded people so of course we had arguments. I went through a death in my family and i became angry i explained everything to him and he told me he would always be there for me and i apologized. well after a good month we were on the phone talking like usual and i said something he didn’t like and he broke up with me over the phone. The next day he came to me and said he didn’t mean and so we decided to work on it. Then the next night he done the same thing and then we talked about it again and he said he didn’t deserve me and that he was scared of the future and that he knew i would leave him eventually anyway. so we talked about it and decided to work on it then he done it again. Hes so confusing. and this time he cut all contact off with me i texted his mom to see if he was okay and she decided to meet up with me. She said theres no others girls and that she doesnt know whats wrong. so me and him finally met up and he told me that he will always love me. he wants to be alone right now but he kept kissing me. like deep romantic kisses. So the next day at work he called me to the back and kissed me again. but he still tells me he doesn’t want to work on us at all. He just goes out with his friends all the time now. I have owned up to my mistakes in the relationship and i apologized for having a bad attitude towards him. He texts me but as of today i deleted everything out of my phone that reminded me of him. everyone thinks he will come back but i dont know. What should I do?

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    Mark

    Be patient. You may want to read this article and practice the skills mentioned, especially Acceptance. Accept that he doesn’t want to work on the relationship now. If you keep on pushing it, it will just push him away. Right now, your focus is to make your interaction with him feels good. Continue doing so until he wants to spend more and more time with you. Gradually, he will want to be together with you again and by then, he will be willing to work on the relationship.

    Reply
Stacey

Dear Mark,

My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. He told me he was too busy right now. At that point, we hadn’t seen each other for three weeks, because we were both really busy. Me and him have a strong connection in real life, never argued or anything like that. We have some amazing memories! He did say that he feels like heaven when he’s with me, but he just doesn’t has the time. Because we haven’t seen each other for three weeks his feelings for me were growing weaker. He is also still mad because when he called me a week ago, I wasn’t the bubbly happy person I normally am, because I was grumpy. His friends were with him and they tried to talk to me, a conversation like ‘how are you’ but I kind of ignored them. He didn’t like it that I didn’t really wanted to talk to his friends at that moment. I really miss him, I haven’t spoke with him since the break-up. What should I do?

Stacey.

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    Mark

    How long have you all been together? What are your job and his? Are both of you high flyers where a lot of time have to be spent at work?

    Reply
Faith

Hey Mark,

I recently just turned 24 in February and, now my ex boyfriend, turned 32 in January. We’re both in school and both bartenders. We’ve had our rough patches, as any couples do, we’re both Aquariuss, so majority of the time we were bumping heads constantly, but at the end of it all, we loved each other, or so I thought.
December marked 3 years together. A few days before my birthday this February, I found out he had been looking online at personal ads, women for man type ads, as well as ads for houses and apartments. Of course I flipped, but had he told me he was just browsing the web, whatever, lend me SOME kind of consolidation, we could have moved passed it, but he didn’t, wouldn’t let me see his phone either. So he slept downstairs, the next morning, I went to work, haven’t heard or seen him since. We’ve lived together for 3 years, up until about a week ago, I’m pretty sure he’s been at his moms, but I did find out he had been looking into hotel rooms, and applying for apartments as well. His furniture, clothes, shoes, everything is still there,I personally know he’s been applying for apartments, so I’m left with the “home” we both created, bitter sweet. I haven’t heard or seen him in over a week as of last Wednesday, so I took the initiative to text him, basically just telling him I got him boxes, I would pack his things if he wanted me to, and that we needed to sit and talk about our bills basically and everything we once shared, so that we could both move on because I didn’t think it was fair that I had to see his stuff everyday and he didn’t have to see mine, I didn’t want to fight or argue just cordially talk about what exactly was going to happen since it ended so abruptly, he never responded. I sent the same text to his email saying, just in case the text didn’t go through. Nothing. We were literally doing the best we had ever been, and then out of no where I’M the one left with unanswered questions even thought I didn’t do anything wrong! He’s had his fair share of “cheating” on me several times, but I always pulled through for us, and for him to think I’m not even worth a text, what’s going on!? It’s been a little over a week, as you can imagine it feels like a lifetime, but this is the longest with absolutely no contact we’ve ever gone. He didn’t even tell me happy birthday, after being together for 3 years.
I so desperately want to reach out to his best friend but I know the rules on that one so that’s out of the question. He HAS to make SOME kind of contact doesn’t he? How long does it take? He can’t just drop everything for me that fast can he?! What goes through a mans mind?
I’m not the type to bug and bug Or come off desperate, No matter how bad it’s killing me inside. I didn’t do anything wrong yet, IM the one trying to reach out. I’m obviously keeping the house, I havnt heard back from him so IM packing his stuff and I’m changing the locks. Im not a damn storage unit! What do I do at this point? I don’t even know who I am anymore, if someone doesn’t want to be with me, I’d rather them say so, he just went MIA! And I’m worth more than that after 3 years. The fact that IM the one reaching out it already out of my comfort zone, I’m lost.

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